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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24424636">Roses in a Flatbed</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/antioedipus/pseuds/antioedipus'>antioedipus</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>A Different World [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Co-workers, Developing Friendships, Drama &amp; Romance, Drinking, Eventual Smut, Everyone Is Alive, F/M, Male-Female Friendship, Multi, Vulnerability</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:13:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>178,463</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24424636</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/antioedipus/pseuds/antioedipus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Figuring it all out, or: slumping towards vulnerability and the integration of past trauma. </p><p>For what it's worth, Neji is alive (and remains so).</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dai-nana-han | Team 7 &amp; Sai, Hyuuga Hinata/Uchiha Sasuke, Hyuuga Neji &amp; Tenten, Sai &amp; Uchiha Sasuke, Sai/Tenten (Naruto), Tenten &amp; Uchiha Sasuke</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>A Different World [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1895671</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>112</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>💙</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. A Day Off</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em>“See our reflection in the water”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Phoebe Bridgers, “Garden Song”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It’s a hot day. Sweat runs down the back of Tenten’s neck, even though her hair is up in a ponytail. She and her team have just returned from a mission. Gone for days, they are all sore. It went well, so none of them are in a bad mood. Following protocol, they keep their masks on until they get back into Anbu quarters.</p><p>Tenten has been in Anbu for years, but she still feels stuffy under the mask. She has a permanent breakout on her temple because of it. The design improves each year, but she has resigned herself to always hating the mask. None of her other teammates seem to mind it, but they were all acclimated to much worse. Stepping up ahead, she pushes the door open first, and once the it closes, she removes her mask.</p><p>She always takes hers off first. She stares down at the porcelain, over the painted lines of the eagle. Beside her, Neji removes his mask. Like Tenten, he wears his hair up in a ponytail that sits on the crown of his head. They do this so that they look the same out in the field.</p><p>Across from them, Sai and Sasuke remove their masks. They too, twin each other. They regularly exploit this doubling effect. Sasuke shakes his head out, like a dog. Sai remains still. He looks to Tenten, and smiles. She smiles back, and Sasuke rolls his eyes. He turns to leave but Neji, in an effort to be perceived as a more humane leader, clears his throat. They all look at him.</p><p>“Any plans this weekend?” Neji asks. Sasuke snorts, and Sai blinks. Tenten sighs; Neji really doesn’t have to prove he is sensitive to their needs. None of them are in Anbu to feel better about themselves. Sai and Sasuke had no choice, and Tenten chose to follow Neji when he asked her.</p><p>“Sweet fuck all.” Sasuke drawls, crossing his arms. Neji glares at him, while Tenten smirks. Sai presses his mouth into a thin line; his thinking face.</p><p>“I’m training, and Tenten is joining me.” Neji smiles at her. Sasuke tilts his head.</p><p>“Tenten, did you know that?” Sasuke asks, and she scowls.</p><p>“I figured he would murder my weekend.” Neji smirks, and with a wave, he sends them all off. He turns back towards the change room. Sasuke merely disappears in a swirl of leaves. Tenten looks at Sai, who hasn’t yet answered.</p><p>“You don’t have to wait.” Sai puts a hand to touch the back of his neck. It is a gesture of comfort, a way of soothing his nerves. Neji and Sasuke intuitively understand Sai’s social awkwardness and leave him to it. But Tenten always seems to think he has something worthwhile to contribute. It makes his anxiety worse, knowing that there is someone who wants to hear about his personal life.</p><p>“I want to know,” Tenten replies, “we’re on the same squad. Besides, Neji and Sasuke always give the same answer.” She smiles at him, and Sai feels a lump in his throat.</p><p>“I am going to go see Sakura,” Sai’s face relaxes. “We always have dinner the night before my day off.” Sai smiles. He has noticed that he will hold eye contact with Tenten for a second too long. He can’t help but look at her, and he has always dismissed it as her being the most likeable team member.</p><p>But in this moment, as time stretches between them, he still doesn’t look away. She is smiling at him, and he wants to be closer to her. His mouth is dry, a personal tell that he likes her. He breathes in, calming himself down. There is a good chance that Tenten holds eye contact to indulge him, like she feels like he has to make him feel comfortable. He would like to think that they are friends, but he doesn’t know her very well.</p><p>“You don’t have to let him do that,” Sai breaks their moment, that he has convinced himself was entirely in his head. Tenten blinks, and she has a dazed look in her eyes.</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“Neji—you don’t have to let him monopolize your time.” Sai has a feline affect. Like he just watches the world around him, and it is impossible to see if he is interested or not. Tenten likes watching him. His face is like a cipher. He always seems to take in more than he lets on, and she is always amazed at how he fits the pieces together. He doesn’t have Neji’s clarity or Sasuke’s reflexes. His logic is all his own.</p><p>She crosses her arms. She tilts her head to the side, and her ponytail bobs with her. “He’s my best friend,” she replies, “if it weren’t for me, he would spend all his time alone, working himself to death.” She smiles, but her eyes are sad. Sai presses his line into a line. “I just don’t like the idea of him being alone.” She rubs her bicep, over the tattoo. She has nice arms. They are the one part of her that Sai allows himself to notice. He mulls the idea of ‘alone’ in his head. He gets it. Sai doesn’t like being by himself, but he has grown used to it, like a dull ache. But Neji just doesn’t seem like someone who is particularly bothered by it. Loneliness exists on a different register for him.</p><p>“You’ve given me something to think about.” He smiles, and it reaches his eyes. His face is handsome. It smacks her upside the head. Tenten looks away and back quickly, before stepping back, towards the change room. She bits her lip into a smile, and she waves.</p><p>“See you later, Sai.” As she turns around, her hair swishes. He allows himself to look at her back, to acknowledge that the ends of her hair are a few shades lighter than her roots. As he looks at her, Neji exits the change room, and looks between them with a smirk. His hair is wet, and he doesn’t say anything as he holds his hand up. Sai’s smile falls from his eyes, and Neji snorts. Pausing at the door, Neji turns to look back at Sai. “You can just ask for a date.” He laughs at the frown on Sai’s face, as he heads home for the weekend.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Tenten is alone in the locker room. Thanks to the anti-social tendencies of her team mates, they always get back in the lull between noon and late afternoon. Neji told her that he and Sasuke had timed it. She doesn’t mind being alone after missions. After spending multiple days in a row with two malcontents and Sai, she likes to be alone.</p><p>She opens her locker and peels away her sweaty clothes. They will need to be washed. Bundling them into a ball, she stuffs them down into her bag. She doesn’t quite stink, but there is a definite odour. She takes her hair out of the ponytail, and tucks it into her bag. Tenten takes out her towel and the toiletries she keeps in her locker. She closes it and goes into her favourite shower stall. It is at the far end of the row. She turns the shower on, to the hottest it will go, and stands outside for a minute to let it heat up.</p><p>She takes her towel off and hops in with one smooth, practiced motion. She does all her best thinking in the shower. It is one of the few times where she is guaranteed to be alone. It is never as hot as she would like, but she doesn’t like to bring the grime from work home with her. She stands under the water, tilting her head back.</p><p>She has been on this team for the past two years. Her predecessor had quit Anbu, and after trying multiple different replacements, Neji insisted that she join. Her team isn’t difficult, so much as they are all very particular. She had been nervous to work with the three of them, which seems silly in hindsight, now that she knows how dorky they all are. She can tell that she has changed since joining the team.</p><p>She used to be able to go home and turn off her work brain, but now her vigilance persists. There are nights where she can’t sleep, simply because she can’t shut off her over-active brain. She is more muscular, and she has lost some of the padding on her hips and breasts. Sometimes, she sees herself in the mirror and she thinks she looks like less of a woman. It would make her self-conscious if she were dating, but thanks to Anbu and Neji’s workaholic tendencies, she has no time to meet anyone. She barely has time to see her actual friends.</p><p>Besides, it’s hard to believe in love when she spends her time with three incredibly damaged people. It’s funny, because she is the weakest member on the team, by far, but it isn’t lost on any of them that people approach her first, even though she isn’t the leader. Shikamaru always tells them that she is his personal favourite. She doesn’t think that it bothers her team, but it makes her clench when jokes are made at their expense. It really isn’t fair, what life did to the three of them. Neji, Sasuke and Sai are three extraordinary men, they just aren’t very good at the whole human being thing, and that isn’t their fault. She knew that they were just as immature and lonely as everyone else in their twenties, but everyone looks at them differently because of their abilities.</p><p>Working her fingers into her scalp, she washes her hair, and tries to recall the last time anyone on the team went on a date. She is pretty sure they all put their libidinal energy into their work instead of dealing with other people. Specifically, she tries to remember the last time she got laid. Tenten had never planned on being alone, but she has been trying to accept it.</p><p>There is nowhere else she could imagine herself. But at the same time, she didn’t think professional success would come at the cost of her sex life. It is pathetic, really. She is at her prime, and here she is, emotionally unavailable because of her job. Ino always tells her that she is too beautiful to be alone. She frowns as she squeezes soap onto her hand.</p><p>Maybe she has some invisible flaw, something she can’t see that drives men away. She doesn’t ask for much. She just wants to be desired, that’s all. She knows that it isn’t a very feminist sentiment, but it is what she wants. Being alone and untouched is hell. She doesn’t know how her team mates do it.</p><p>She would ask them about whether or not she is flawed, but she already knows what they would say. Neji would sigh and tell her that, as far as he can tell, she is fine. Sasuke would smirk, and ask why she cares about how they see her. Sai would then say something blunt, and then her feelings would be hurt. Tenten can admit that it is because she cares about how Sai sees her the most, but she dismisses it as a misguided crush, born out of sexual frustration.</p><p>If she wants an honest opinion. she should ask Kiba. He is the most sensible person she knows.</p><p>Rubbing the soap into the dirt on her arm, she looks down at her tattoo. It is another change. She doesn’t wear sleeveless tops anymore, now that she has been marked as one of Konoha’s finest. She rinses herself off, and wraps her towel around herself before leaving the stall. She pads over to her locker, hunched over, disliking the cool air.</p><p>She promised to meet with Kiba and Hinata for a drink in a few hours, so she has to go home and put on an outfit that is more fun that the grey pants and black t-shirt she wore when she came into the locker room on Monday. She leaves her hair hanging down her back, hoping it will dry. She contemplates crushing a bit of dex and putting the powder under her tongue, but she needs to get some sleep before Neji kicks her ass tomorrow, so she decides against it.</p><p>Making sure not to forget her dirty uniform, she closes her locker and heads out, towards home.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>For once, Sasuke walks through the door instead of coming through the window. He has been gone for days, and he has missed home. He takes his shoes off, and he hears the shower going. He shrugs his vest off, and hangs it on a hook. He walks over to the bathroom, and opens the door. It is steamy, and the fan isn’t on. He can’t even see himself in the mirror.</p><p>He pads across the tile, and opens the curtain, poking his head in. Hinata stares at him, her byakugan activated and toothpaste all around her mouth. She turns to spit her toothpaste down the drain. He doesn’t get why she turns away, since she is still spitting in front of him. He thinks it is sweet, if a little silly. She smiles, using the back of her wrist to wipe the toothpaste off her mouth. When she walks up to him, he kisses the toothpaste-y corner of her top lip.  </p><p>“Didn’t we agree that you would let me shower in peace?” Hinata rests her chin on the hand holding her pink toothbrush. Sasuke grins.</p><p>“I just got home. I didn’t want to wait.” Sasuke shrugs, and she smiles.</p><p>“Home?” Sasuke blushes at her question.</p><p>“You know, Konoha.” He looks away and she rolls her eyes. She is about to turn back towards the water, when she sees the grime caked onto the arm visible to her. She opens the curtain wider, getting a look at how dirty he really is. She sighs.</p><p>“Hop in,” Hinata says, “I’m almost done,” closing the curtain. Sasuke doesn’t mind being told what to do, so he takes his clothes off and follows her into the shower. There is just enough room for the two of them, but it is still a logistical nightmare. She passes him the showerhead, so he can hose himself off while she lathers on her soap.</p><p>She tucks some wet hair behind her ear, and takes the showerhead back from Sasuke when he is done. He has his own soap here, since he spends more time at her place. He grabs the soap off the shelf, as Hinata stands back under the water.</p><p>“How was the mission?” Hinata looks at him with her typical, owlish expression. He shrugs in response, rubbing the soap in his arm. She hums, tilting her head to the side. They are quiet, Hinata enjoying the smell of his soap and Sasuke finally relaxing.</p><p>“I was going to shave,” Hinata says, “but I don’t have room.” Sasuke snorts, shaking his head.</p><p>“You invited me in here,” he replies, “and I truly do not care.” He smiles at her then, dumb and lopsided. She laughs to herself, and he scrunches his face into a frown.</p><p>“Sorry, I’m just thinking about your fan girls.” Hinata says, “do you remember them?” Sasuke groans in the back of his throat.</p><p>“I thought you were done with your shower.”</p><p>“Now you are changing the subject.” Hinata smiles, glad to be doing the teasing. She is smaller than him, so she is the one who moves around, giving him full access to the shower.</p><p>“I don’t like to think about traumatic memories.” Sasuke turns his back to her, putting his face under the water.</p><p>They have done this before, so while she isn’t immune to him, she doesn’t find him distracting. She crosses her arms. “You know they started shaving before they needed to?” Sasuke groans again, and Hinata smiles at his back. She steps out and on to the tile. Wrapping the towel around herself, she sticks her head back in the shower.</p><p>“I’m going out to meet with Tenten and Kiba.” He turns back to look at her, his eyelashes sticking together and his hair is plastered to his head under the water. He is still handsome, even though his haircut looks dumb when wet. “I have to run out before and pick a few things up from the grocery store.” He frowns.</p><p>“Should I go to my place?” Sasuke asks. He really doesn’t want to go back to his apartment. He hates putting clothes on while wet and he is exhausted. Hinata gives him a confused look. “You are home.” She says it carefully, unsure how he will respond to the truth. Sasuke blinks and then smiles, his big, dumb, handsome smile.</p><p>“Home, huh?” Hinata smiles in return.</p><p>“I cleared out the top drawer.” Her tone is light, happy. “I have put all the clothes you’ve left behind in there.” Sasuke whistles. Hinata jumps at the sound.</p><p>“My own drawer?”</p><p>“You can whistle?”</p><p>“And you think I deflect.” Sasuke, done with his shower, turns around to turn the tap off. Hinata throws the curtain open and grabs him a towel, throwing it at him. He catches it, easily. When he steps out of the tub, drying off his arms, she walks up to him and kisses his chin.</p><p>“The drawer makes it easier to sneak around,” she says quietly. He is stealthier, so he is the one who comes to her place. She has been his apartment only a handful of times. She turns around and walks to her room, while Sasuke decides to brush his teeth.</p><p>He just finishes flossing when Hinata pops back into the bathroom. She is wearing a tank top and shorts, probably because of the heat. She stands in the door, looking at him.</p><p>“Get some sleep.” Sasuke turns around to look at her. Her expression is tender, gentle. He walks up to her without responding.</p><p>“I will.” He pokes her forehead, and Hinata’s mouth quirks upwards before she steps back. “Where are you going?” Hinata is walking towards the door, while Sasuke stands outside the bathroom. She turns around, looking at him with her milky, purple eyes.</p><p>“The patio over by Sakura’s house.” Hinata pauses. “I won’t be out too late.” Sasuke smirks.</p><p>“I will probably pass out as soon as I get in bed,” he pauses, licking the back of his front teeth. “Have fun.” He says quietly, and Hinata beams at him. Sasuke nods, and turns back towards the bedroom. He throws the towel into the hamper, and gets under the covers. The last thing he hears is the click of the lock before falling asleep.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>After he showered and changed, Sai decided to drop by Sakura’s place instead of dropping his gear back at home. He and Sakura always went to the same place for dinner, and it wouldn’t be a big deal for him to take his bag with him.</p><p>Sai had been thinking about what Tenten had said to him about not wanting Neji to be alone. The truth is that Sai has a greater likelihood of remaining single, but Sakura is his best friend and he doesn’t like the idea of her ever being alone. He knocks on her door, and it only takes a minute for her to answer. She still lives with her parents, and he greets her mom as they walk down the hall to the kitchen.</p><p>“You’re early,” she says over her shoulder. Sai smiles and shrugs.</p><p>“I didn’t feel like waiting to see you.” He says, and Sakura shoots him a look over her shoulder, but she remains quiet. When they get into the kitchen, Sai sits at the kitchen table while Sakura returns to doing the dishes. She is meticulous, so it takes her a long time.</p><p>“You brought your gear.” Sakura says, bent over a plate. Sai pulls out his sketch pad and a pencil.</p><p>“As I said earlier,” he says, “I wanted to see you.”</p><p>“Dinner isn’t until 7.” Sakura turns to him, searching his face for the truth. Sai is a creature of habit, and when he changes, it means something is up. After a few seconds under Sakura’s gaze, Sai looks down at the table.</p><p>“I don’t want you to be alone.” Sakura’s face softens, and she turns back to the plate, smiling.</p><p>“You know I live with my parents.” She says softly, “I am not alone.” <em>Not like you</em>, is left out but implied. Sai squirms in his seat, because he can’t not tell her where he got the idea from but he knows what she will tease him over it.</p><p>“Tenten told me that’s why she spends so much time with Neji.” Sai is quiet, and he scrunches his mouth over to the right side of his face. Sakura doesn’t look at him, but he hears her giggle.</p><p>“Oh, so it was Tenten that inspired you.” Turning at the waist, she winks at him, and he looks down at the blank page in front of him. He bends over to start drawing, clearly not wanting attention drawn to his crush.</p><p>“The mission went well,” he says, drawing the beginnings of an eagle. Sakura washes a bowl, disgusted by the grey water in the sink.</p><p>“How is the team?” Sakura wrinkles her nose as her fingers brush against something soft and mushy in the water.</p><p>“Sasuke is himself. Neji is fine.” Sai pauses, “Tenten is still everyone’s favourite.” He likes saying her name. Sakura can hear it in his voice, even if he won’t fess up to his crush.</p><p>“You’re my favourite,” she says, drying the bowl. Sai snorts.</p><p>“Tenten is objectively the most likable one,” he looks up at Sakura. “She is kind and she treats us with compassion. When she talks to us, it is because she cares about us as people. It’s hard to find someone who likes me for who I am.” Sakura smiles at him, as he continues. “She trains with Neji, even on her day off, because she knows he will work himself into an early grave. She is the only person whose feelings Sasuke can’t hurt.” Sakura frowns.</p><p>“Sasuke hurts your feelings?” Sai clicks his tongue. He forgets that she also puts the three of them in the category of normal people.</p><p>“I meant that she is the only normal, well-adjusted person who is immune to him.” Sai looks at his drawing, continuing. “She always waits for me to speak, even when Neji and Sasuke have decided it isn’t important.” Sai focuses on the wings, trying to get the feathers just right. Sakura starts washing another plate.</p><p>“You know, I am sure that she would like to spend time with someone other than Neji,” Sakura uses her nail to chip off some mystery food particle.</p><p>“Do you think so?” Sai’s voice is higher than usual. It is a sign that he is trying to be casual.</p><p>“I am sure of it.” Sakura rinses the plate, “I can’t even remember the last time she was on a date.”</p><p>“A date?” Sai’s faux-ignorance would be grating, if it weren’t because he was trying to hide a crush.</p><p>“You notice everything about her.” Sakura places a dish onto the rack by the sink. It is old and wooden, and honestly, too small for the fact that three people in this house make dirty dishes. “I am her friend, and I know way more about her because of you.” Sai bites his lower lip, and shrugs. He has a tendency to hide his feelings, like he doesn’t trust them.</p><p>“She is the most interesting to look at.” His reply is quiet, and he focuses on his drawing, concentrating like a little boy. Sakura smiles, and in a teasing voice, replies, “Neji and Sasuke are pretty too.” Sai grunts in response, and Sakura turns back to the dishes.</p><p>She receives her comeuppance when her hand brushes a soggy clump of meat, and she embarrasses herself, squealing and leaping back from the sink as if she had seen a vision of her own death. With a sigh, he gets up and puts his hand in the murky water, gathering all the pale, mushy clumps of food.</p><p>“You work in a hospital.” Sai mutters. Sakura, arms and crossed and attempting to save face, scowls.</p><p>“That’s different,” Sakura replies, “I have to be stoic there.” Sai quirks an eyebrow as he dumps the food into the garbage, and he washes his hands. He doesn’t say anything, and they soon return to a companionate silence.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Tenten decides to wear a cream blouse, with bell sleeves. It’s light, breezy. She only has a slim wallet and her house keys. She likes to walk around like this: weightless. The light is golden, the way it is the few hours before the sun sets. She sees Hinata’s back first. She got their usual table, the one against the wall. Tenten is the second to arrive, and she doesn’t say anything until she has plopped down into the chair across from her friend.</p><p>“Hello,” Tenten says in an upbeat voice. Hinata tilts her head and smiles, as Tenten turns herself on her chair so that her back is against the wall and she faces the street.</p><p>Tenten is a much looser person than Hinata. It is an open secret that she is in Anbu, and Hinata knows that her friend is good at her job. She can tell by the way Neji and Sasuke talk about Tenten. She is an open, unguarded person. Tenten has remained unchanged, despite everything she must see. She has the kind of smile that makes Hinata feel implicitly understood and cared for, like she matters. Hinata has never asked, but this is why she thinks Neji and Sasuke actually like her. She doesn’t see the Hyuuga and Uchiha prodigies. Tenten treats them like they are ordinary.</p><p>“How was your week?” Hinata asks, passing a menu to Tenten. She takes the menu as a courtesy, even though she already knows what she wants. Tenten feels like she needs to act more womanly to compensate for how she spends most of her time, so she tries to be more receptive when off-duty.</p><p>“Oh, it was fine.” Tenten replies, “the usual.” She smiles after, and Hinata hums. She is used to Tenten’s cryptic responses. They are far more informative than Neji’s monosyllabic answers and Sasuke’s grunts. She wonders if Sai would be more forthcoming.</p><p>Tenten is about to ask Hinata how her week was, when Kiba appears, hopping the rail around the patio. He has one of his rakish smiles on, and they can only guess where he has just been. He strides up to the table, and moves the paper bag off the chair beside Hinata and takes a seat. He has a wild look in his eyes, which means that he too just got off a mission.</p><p>“How are you two?” Kiba asks, thumping the table. They are so used to his bullish manner that neither woman jumps. Tenten makes a ‘so-so’ gesture with her hand, and Hinata brightens up.</p><p>“It was really nice. Ino and I got a lot done.” Hinata smiles. She has been working with Ino in T&amp;I. The two women play off each other well, and she can tell that Hinata has become more confident. The last six months have been good to her, and neither Tenten or Kiba can remember the last time she fidgeted or stuttered. It’s nice.</p><p>“Well, I got put on a mission with Naruto and Shino.” Kiba says with a frustrated expression, “Naruto is a nice guy but man, he can’t listen to instructions to save his life.” Tenten rolls her eyes, while Hinata’s face goes pink. It has been years, but Hinata still feels like she ought to defend her ex-boyfriend from Kiba’s jabs.</p><p>“You know Hinata doesn’t like it when you bash him,” Tenten replies, “and aren’t you two friends?” Kiba tuts, and sits back in his chair, arms crossed.</p><p>“I still consider him a friend, but I can’t not know what Hinata told us about him.” He doesn’t quite glare at Hinata, but it is enough to dispel her embarrassment. “Hinata, all I ask is for your next boyfriend to be someone we aren’t friends with. A nice stranger who we can judge and then cut out when you are done.” Hinata glares at Kiba, and he puts his hands up in a gesture of surrender. “All I’m saying is that you can’t undo fucking a friend. It throws the energy of the whole group off.” Tenten doesn’t want to linger on this conversation, so she scrunches up her nose.</p><p>“Gross.” Tenten replies, and Hinata sips her drink. She can tell that his remarks bothered Hinata, although she isn’t sure why. Kiba has said all these things before, and she usually laughs along. Tenten briefly wonders what has changed, but Kiba interrupts her before she can think of a way to ask.</p><p>“Hey, you have some cute friends,” he puts on a mock lecherous grin. “Like me.” Both his canines are visible. Tenten snorts and throws a bar peanut at him, and Kiba catches it in his mouth. Tenten and Hinata both laugh. “See? It’s hard to resist my charm!”</p><p>“What charm?” Shikamaru asks as he and Ino come up from behind, and they all laugh at the deflated look on Kiba’s face. Shikamaru sits beside Kiba, who sticks a tongue out at him.</p><p>Ino sits beside Tenten, and after saying hi, she and Hinata immediately start talking. About what, Tenten doesn’t pick up. The patio is fun because she likes people watching. Everyone is more attractive when it is hot enough to drink outside. The waiter comes over, and they all get their usual.</p><p>Returning her gaze to the street, she watches the people she protects walk around, oblivious to her. She chose the eagle mask because she wanted to be taken seriously, but she also just likes watching the world go by. Kiba tells a joke that makes everyone laugh, and their drinks all arrive shortly after.</p><p>As she takes a sip, her eyes flit to Sakura’s front door. It is a teal colour, with a brass knocker at eye-level. She sees the nob turn, and Sakura step out of her door. Sai follows her, carrying a bag. Tenten is distracted, because she has never seen him wear blue before. They are in the middle of a conversation, and they don’t notice that several of their classmates are at the bar across the street. Sai has a thoughtful look on his face, and he looks back to Sakura as she locks the door. Tenten watches his mouth move, and she finds herself trying to figure out what he is saying.</p><p>She is so distracted, that she doesn’t notice Ino waving a hand in her face, until she nearly gets jabbed in the eye. Sai and Sakura have stopped just outside Sakura’s house. Tenten has never seen Sai look so relaxed,</p><p>“Uh,” Tenten stutters, leaning away from Ino’s hand. “What?” Ino gives her a strange look.</p><p>“What are you looking at?” Ino asks, and Hinata tilts her head at Tenten. Kiba and Shikamaru aren’t paying attention. Tenten adjusts her face into a smile, and she shrugs.</p><p>“I just spaced out.” Tenten replies, “I wasn’t looking at anything.” She is relieved when Ino turns away and starts talking to Hinata again. Tenten didn’t think <em>looking at</em> <em>the guy you dated when you were a teenager</em> would go over well.</p><p>Looking back over in the direction of Sai, she sips her beer. She registers him just as his back melts into the crowd.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>The morning of their day off always starts the same. Sai and Sasuke always sit on Sakura’s parents’ couch, watching her and Naruto squabble over something that is ultimately pointless. Sasuke and Sai aren’t really friends, but they aren’t enemies. They share a mutual apathy that is incredibly comforting when their teammates start fighting.</p><p>It started off how it always does. Sakura insists that they all have breakfast at her house, and each one of them is in charge of bringing an important but not key element. Sai, the only trustworthy one, was promoted to bringing eggs for the last two times they had done this. Sasuke always gets orange juice. All Naruto had to do was buy two kinds of fruit. Sai and Sasuke, foreseeing disaster, decided they would each bring a different kind of fruit, just to avoid a blow up. Sai had bananas, Sasuke had strawberries. They had a plan.</p><p>Not only did Naruto not bring fruit, he showed up with expired milk <em>before </em>Sai and Sasuke could get there to cover for him. Sakura was ripping into him when they got there. The door was open, so they just walked in and took a seat in the living room. Sakura isn’t as shrill as she used to be, but her temper never truly abated. Since Naruto was the only person she was truly comfortable expressing her feelings to, he always gets her at her most exaggerated and self-righteous.</p><p>Sai and Sasuke, leaving their respective contributions on the coffee table, decide to sit back and ride this one out. Sasuke has his head in his hands, and he grumbles about getting out of bed for this, while Sai is doodling in a sketch book. Sai knows that Sasuke will soon lose his temper, and then Sakura will storm into the kitchen. Sai will then follow her, and he will sit at the kitchen table listening to her mutter under her breath while, in the living room, Sasuke rubs his temples and Naruto tries to cheer him up.</p><p>It happens every time. There is a certain security in the routine that Sai appreciates. He looks up, and Sakura is still ripping into Naruto. Sai tilts his head. He can feel Sasuke’s anger beginning to emanate, but their teammates are too distracted to notice. How did Kiba put it? Naruto and Sakura need to bang it out? Sai smirked to himself. That would be an interesting development. He turns to say this to Sasuke, but he can tell that he just isn’t in the mood.</p><p>“Sai and I have the day off,” Sasuke cuts in, “and this is what we’re doing? Watching you two fight for the umpteenth time?” Sasuke buries his head in his hands again, groaning. Naruto takes the opportunity to point out that Sakura is annoying them all, and she doubles down on her assertion that Naruto must enjoy being truly and absolutely stupid.</p><p>Sasuke leans back into the couch and rolls his eyes, and smirks when he sees the detail Sai is putting into the vein that pops out on Sakura’s forehead whenever she loses her temper.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Neji’s apartment is sparse, with high ceilings and large windows. His only decorations are a few jade plants, given to him by Ino when they dated a few years back. The split had been amicable, and Neji had developed a rapport with the plants. Tenten lies on the floor, a glass of water by her head, while he checks their leaves to make sure they were well-hydrated.</p><p>He frowns, apparently finding a soft leaf. In one efficient movement, he uses his nail to clip the leaf at the stem. They had been training all morning, and Tenten can feel all the places where she’ll be sore. She is the only person, other than Hinata, with whom he spends a significant amount of time. He finds being with Sasuke and Sai draining, and the three of them barely speak to each other. She sits up on her elbows, watching him pour his glass into the soil of the struggling jade plant.</p><p>“Are you trying to kill me?” Tenten asks for the billionth time. He looks at her with a smirk, as he walks back to the kitchen. He touches his big toe to the bottom of her foot, and she recoils. He smirks at her reaction.</p><p>“Since we were genin,” he shoots back over his shoulder. His voice is delicate and restrained, making his quips especially cutting. Not for the first time, she wishes she were eloquent enough to spit something back as quickly as he can.</p><p>He fills his glass, looking at her. She likes lying on the floor, something he should probably talk to her about, but he doesn’t know how to ask about her emotional wellness. Traditionally, that has been her thing.</p><p>“Can we do something fun, for once?” Tenten asks, sitting up to turn and look at him. Neji plucks two apples from the bowl on the counter, and volleys one to her. She catches it, still looking at him for an answer.</p><p>“I enjoy our training sessions.” Padding back to the living room, Neji sits on the couch. Tenten crunches on the apple, and speaks while she eats. She is his best friend, so he doesn’t mind her lack of manners.</p><p>“No, it’s work,” she garbles, swallowing the apple after. What she really wants to say is that she too cute to live like this, having her time monopolized by him. If she were honest, when she signed up for Anbu, she didn’t anticipate signing her life away. She wants to go out, maybe find a boyfriend. She doesn’t say this, even though he is her best friend, because he will only have contempt and will probably throw a kunai at her head.</p><p>He makes a big show of sighing, and he tilts his head to the side. “What would you prefer to do?” Tenten curls her lip, tempted to shoot out <em>literally anything else</em>. Since she has to include him, she needs to think of something he would like to do.</p><p>“We could hang out as a team.”</p><p>“With Sasuke and Sai?” Neji makes a face. Tenten is always surprised that he doesn’t care for either of their teammates. He was worked with them for five years. She thought he would like them more.</p><p>“Well, maybe one of them could do this with you, and I can go live my life,” she slumps back onto the floor, looking at the ceiling.</p><p>“Why would they want to spend time with me?” Neji asks, and she sighs.</p><p>“If you didn’t act like their overlord and just asked for help, I am sure that they would at least consider it,” she says, before adding, “there is only so much Naruto and Sakura a person can take.” Neji snorts and swirls the water in his glass.</p><p>“They would probably tell me to ask you.” Neji is quiet, and she groans. He smiles, kicking his legs out. “Am I really a burden?” <em>Yes</em>, she wants to say, <em>yes you are</em>. Instead she sighs. She loves him, she really does, but she wants <em>more</em>. She is a woman now. Tenten doesn’t want to look back and think about how she spent her prime running repetitive drills. There has to be more to life than training with Neji, ignoring Sasuke’s quips and being infatuated with Sai. The former barely take the edge off the latter, which she is certain is the result of sexual frustration. Mostly.</p><p>Okay, she is a little infatuated with Sai for reasons beyond her dry spell. But she is still certain that meeting someone new would make a world of difference. So she sighs, and decides to answer Neji’s question in a way that would make her other teammates spit up their drinks and Kiba glow with pride.</p><p>“I want to get laid.” She whines. Neji smiles, and leans back on the couch.</p><p>“Ten…” As he trails off, Tenten sits up to see him grinning. He only does that when he is about to really tease her, usually about things that happened in the past that she doesn’t ever want to talk about.</p><p>“We must never speak of <em>that</em>,” she narrows her eyes. Neji shrugs his shoulders, smiling. She really does look like a bird of prey when she does that. She is referring to the brief period in their teenage years when they had sex. In truth, it had been sweet, until the day Hiashi had walked in on them and they had all stared at each other, until Tenten squealed and threw a blanket over them. Neji and Hiashi, both deeply awkward people, decided to point out that they had the byakugan. The blanket did, literally, nothing.</p><p>Tenten had then rolled off Neji and buried her head under his pillow, while Hiashi told them to use protection and to lock the door next time. It had been traumatizing for her, and they both agreed to stop. Neji still finds it funny, but that is partially because she still turns pink when he brings it up.</p><p>He puts his hands up in a mock surrender, plastering an innocent expression on his face. “I was going to say that you should just talk to Sai.” Snickering, Neji continues. “He likes looking at you. Two birds, one stone.” Tenten scowls, but she says nothing. Knowing he has won, Neji smirks. “You wouldn’t be silent if you hadn’t thought about it.”</p><p>She mutters a whatever, and chugs her water. Neji tilts his head, and puts his hand out just in time to catch it. “That,” she says, “is for ruining my weekend.” Neji, with a look of indifference, walks back into the kitchen. Tenten looks after him, sighing and thinking about the shower she is going to take when she gets home.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>If someone had told Hinata that she and Ino would spend their days off gossiping in Yamanaka Flowers, she wouldn’t have believed them. But here she is, wearing a mustard yellow sundress, running her thumb over the leaf of a rose while Ino explains that she judges men who come in here to buy roses. It’s a cliché, really. Do they think they will get credit for the bare minimum?</p><p>Hinata smiles, as her response creeps into her mind. “Well, what flowers would you prefer Ino?”</p><p>“The kind that demonstrate that a man has paid attention to me.” Ino winks. Hinata turns back to the flowers, as Ino elbows her. “What flowers do you like?” Hinata pauses, thinking. The truth is that she has never received flowers from anyone. Naruto was hopeless and Sasuke inconspicuous.</p><p>“I like peonies, lilies.” Hinata replies. Ino nods.</p><p>“Pretty.” She bends over, looking at an invoice. She allows Hinata to stand behind the counter with her, a place of privilege. Hinata taps her fingers against the green vinyl as Ino finishes with the invoices.</p><p>Ino doesn’t like to play music in the shop, but today she has the radio on. They are in the middle of a heat wave, and apparently there is some unrest at the border. Ino and Hinata work in intelligence, so none of this is news, but it cuts the monotony of the heat. She plucks a dead leaf from a potted plant, when she feels Ino poke a tender spot under her ear.</p><p>“Who gave you the hickey?” Ino asks, “you didn’t leave the bar with anybody.” Hinata blushes, and touches the spot. Sasuke must have done that this morning, before he left for Sakura’s place.</p><p>Hinata hadn’t even noticed it when she got dressed. It was beyond her how Ino had seen it. She looks over, and Ino smirks, waiting for an answer.  Hinata swallows.</p><p>“It was nobody.” Ino’s eyebrows shot up, and Hinata kicks herself over the answer.</p><p>“A nobody?” Ino looks like she wants to ask for more. Instead she sighs. “You know you can tell me anything, right?” Ino pauses. “No judgement.” Hinata smiles.</p><p>“I come to you for judgement, Ino.” She sees Ino smirk, and shrugs. “But it isn’t worth discussing.” She pauses. “He is nothing.” Ino gives her friend a careful look, before nodding her head and turning her attention back to her invoices.</p><p>“I believe you.” Hinata unclenches, and Ino smiles to herself. “He must have sucked.” Before Hinata can respond, Sai and Sasuke walk into the store. Sasuke looks cranky, and Sai wears his typical indifferent expression. Sasuke immediately zeroes in on her, and while he doesn’t say anything he does smile at her. Ino waves without looking up.</p><p>They walk up to the counter, and Sai rings the bell, a habit that makes everyone but Ino jump. She rolls her eyes and places the invoices on the shelf under the counter.</p><p>“Are we interrupting you?” Sai’s voice is even and steady. Not quite monotone, but close.</p><p>“Of course not,” Ino replies, in her flirtatious way. She tilts her head to the side, making her ponytail swish. Sasuke glances at Hinata.</p><p>“It looked like the two of you were in the middle of something.” Sasuke directs the question to Ino, but he looks at Hinata. She isn’t able to signal him to drop it, not with Sai beside him. Ino grins at Hinata, and turns to the two men.</p><p>“Oh, nothing,” she snickers, “just the guy who left that mark on Hinata’s neck.” If Sasuke is surprised, he hides it well. Sai leans over to peer at her neck, while Ino smiles to herself. Hinata blushes, and she swears that Sasuke has never looked smugger.</p><p>“Oh,” he says, “what was he like?” Hinata narrows her eyes, and Ino looks between the two of them, doing some sort of math. Sai also looks confused.</p><p>“He was fine.” Hinata says in a bright, cheery tone. Sasuke’s mouth quirks, but he doesn’t reply. Ino, trying to inject some levity, breaks the silence. “Fine is code for awful.”</p><p>No one is prepared for Sasuke’s response. “Or, you’re being invasive.” He shoots out, and Ino glares at him. If anyone had been nosey, it had been him. Instead, Ino plasters a grin on her face, and in her most syrupy voice, asks “how can I help you two today?”</p><p>Sai clears his throat, and takes the lead. “We are here to buy some flowers for Sakura.”</p><p>“He thinks it will placate her, after she yelled at Naruto for doing nothing wrong and treating us like we weren’t in the room.” Sasuke crosses his arms. He is protective of Naruto, although he doesn’t always show it.</p><p>“I think she feels underappreciated,” Sai turns to reply, and making the eyes bug out of Sasuke’s head.</p><p>“She consistently underappreciates Naruto,” Sasuke says. Sai shrugs, dismissing him. Hinata takes this as her cue to leave the store. “Well, I’ll go now,” Hinata pats the counter and walks across the store, “I’ll see you tonight, Ino!” Hinata pushes the door open, before anyone can say anything.</p><p>“Well, fuck me, then.” Ino says, brushing her hands on her apron. Sasuke’s jaw clenches, his eyes following Hinata’s back. Ino notices, but she says nothing. Shaking her head, she looks to Sai. “What were you two thinking of?” Sai opens his mouth, but Sasuke cuts him off.</p><p>“You can handle this, right?” Sasuke doesn’t bother waiting for an answer before bolting out of the shop, disappearing in the same direction as Hinata. Ino’s eyes narrow, and Sai tilts his head at her.</p><p>“That was weird, right?” Ino looks at Sai, who is frowning.</p><p>“Yes,” he days, “it was.” Sai and Ino look at each other, both thinking the same thing. “I don’t think he was nobody.” Ino nods.</p><p>“I don’t think he was either.” Ino walks around the counter, to show him the flowers that she thinks Sakura will like. They immediately drop the subject of Hinata and Sasuke, as Ino tells Sai for the umpteenth time that pink flowers mean nothing to Sakura.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Hinata feels him come up behind her and snag her elbow. She turns up to look at him, and while she isn’t mad, she knows neither of them want to spotted together. She looks around, and sidesteps into an alley.</p><p>She is pretty sure no one saw them, but they head in far enough so that they are behind a dumpster. She sees the tendon in his neck, and the way his jaw clenches.</p><p>“So I was just fine?” Sasuke asks. Hinata looks at him, confused.</p><p>“No, you were great,” she crosses her arms, “are you actually mad that I said that?” He looks away, and his cheeks glow pink. Her expression softens. “If I said anything otherwise, she would want details. And that means people finding out.” She hugs herself, and he nods, not looking at her. Recently, he has been thinking that it would make both their lives easier if they just told people.</p><p>He puts his hands on his hips, and eventually he looks at her. “Okay.” He says it softly, and she reaches out to cradle his elbow. His lips move into a small smile.</p><p>“I’m going out tonight.” She says, “I’ll be out pretty late. Will you be home for dinner?” Sasuke shakes his head.</p><p>“I have an appointment, and Naruto roped me into hanging out with him.” He sighs, “I will probably be back late too.” Hinata runs her thumb along his upper arm. “I’ll just go back to my place if you aren’t home.” She frowns, not liking the idea of him being away from her. She doesn’t necessarily know if she wants their relationship to be public knowledge, but she doesn’t want to be apart while he is in town. But she nods, instead of saying what she really wants to say.</p><p>“You have an appointment?” Hinata asks. He nods. “Is it to see a doctor?” Hinata only asks because he goes frequently, for someone who resents authority. He shakes his head, wilting.</p><p>“I have to see my therapist,” he frowns, “I’m damaged, or whatever.” He looks away, kicking a rock with the side of his foot. He doesn’t like talking about anything that has happened to him, and the therapist won’t let him go unless he talks. It is a waste of time and resources, but Kakashi won’t let Sasuke worm his way out of this one. Hinata has listened to him complain about this before, but this is the first time he lets her see how upset he is.</p><p>Hinata peeks over his shoulder, and seeing no one there, she hugs him around his waist. He drapes an arm around her shoulder. “I think I’d like you to stay with me tonight.” He steps back and nods. Hinata looks at him, fully taking him in. “You’re not damaged.” She squeezes his arm, and she goes to leave the alley. He turns around and calls out to her.</p><p>“Hinata?”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“My therapist knows about us.” He blushes again, and Hinata smiles. He doesn’t like to talk about the things that really matter, and she can recognize what a big step this is. Of course, he wouldn’t be Sasuke if he weren’t doing radical vulnerability by a dumpster.</p><p>“Do they really?” Hinata puts her hands on her hips. “What do they think of me?” Sasuke scrunches up his face, pretending to have a difficult time remembering. He relaxes his face before answering.</p><p>“I started talking about missing my mom.” He shrugs, “it was a big step. I think you are liked.”</p><p>“I make you think of your mom?” Hinata teases. She knows she should get going, but she doesn’t really like leaving him.</p><p>“Well,” he begins, “you make it easier to talk about her.” He shrugs, and Hinata grins.</p><p>“I like the idea that someone knows.” She spins around, making her skirt twirl around her legs.</p><p>She pauses before leaving the alley, looking both ways. She doesn’t see anyone she knows, that she manages to step out and melt into the crowd.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Clutching a bag of oranges, Tenten walks out of the grocery store with her head down. She is pretty sure she smells, and while she doesn’t care what Neji thinks, she is horribly self-aware while around everyone else. She just wants to get home and shower. Maybe read a book, eat an orange. If she has enough time, she might even masturbate.</p><p>After all, she is a simple woman with very basic needs. She is busy listing all the things she wants to do before she goes out tonight, so she doesn’t notice Sai approach her until he says <em>hello</em> right in her ear. She jumps forward, and then turns to see him. He is smiling, holding various blue flowers, arranged into a bouquet. Sai is looking at her, clearly expecting some sort of acknowledgement.</p><p>She straightens herself out, and smiles at him. “Sorry, I was in my own head.” Tenten still holds the oranges to her chest, and Sai watches her bite her lower lip. He remains silent, and she quickly figures out that she will be the one carrying this conversation.</p><p>“Those are pretty flowers.” She smiles, even though she wants to disappear, “who are they for?” Sai looks at the flowers, like he too is surprised to be carrying them around.</p><p>“They are for Sakura,” he replies, “I think she feels as if Naruto, Sasuke and I don’t care about her.” He holds the flowers close to his chest, cradling them.</p><p>“That is very sweet, Sai.” Tenten replies. “I wish I got flowers.” Sai frowns, and looks at the oranges she is carrying. He looks back at the flowers, and reaching in, he pulls a single stem of larkspur out, and hands it to her. She takes it from his hand, gently. Their hands brush and she tries not to think about it. Sai looks at her, looking much more stiff than usual. “I’ll talk to Neji and Sasuke about getting something nicer.” He blushes, holding the flowers between them like a shield. Tenten holds the stem close to her heart.</p><p>“You really don’t have to,” she reassures him. “I would probably kill them.” Sai gives her a strange look.</p><p>“They are dead as soon as they are cut from the plant, Ten.” No one but Neji, Sasuke or Sai call her that. Tenten had figured it was a mixture of laziness and genuine affection, since, of everyone they know, they have given her the least offensive nickname. It’s kind of sweet, when Sai says it, like there is something delicate in his mouth.</p><p>In this instance, it keeps her from feeling like a complete moron. “Well, anyways, you don’t have to go to the trouble of getting me flowers. They are wasted on me.” Sai nods, clearly disagreeing with her but wise enough to know that she needs him to change the subject.</p><p>“So, oranges.” He nods at her bundle, and Tenten laughs.</p><p>“Yes, oranges.” They make eye contact, and she swallows. He has impossibly dark eyes. They aren’t intense, or empty. Rather, they are kind. Tenten bites her lip again, trying to remind herself how to speak like a human being.</p><p>“I should take these over to Sakura,” he says, looking away from her. People are beginning to give them funny looks, and the last thing Sai needs is these flowers wilting because he can’t stop staring at Tenten. She nods at him, quickly, like they are in the field.</p><p>“She will love them Sai,” Tenten says, “they are really pretty. Those flowers are like, ‘the meaning of life’ pretty.” He quirks his mouth. She has a way of taking really big ideas and making them sound simple. It is something he likes about her.</p><p>“Meaning of life pretty?”</p><p>“I understand life a little better after seeing those flowers,” she knows she is rambling, but she wants to keep talking to him, even though she knows they both have places to be. “Haven’t you ever seen something that just makes you think, <em>wow</em>, there must be a divine will if something so perfect exists.”</p><p>“You believe these flowers are perfect?” Sai keeps a straight face, and he doesn’t really laugh, but she can tell that he thinks this is pretty amusing. Tenten feels like an idiot, but she has no choice but to commit. Sai adds, “what do these flowers tell you about life?”</p><p>Tenten looks at the larkspur in her hand, trying to figure out whether or not he is being serious. A few moments ago, he was trying to leave. Now he is playing a game with her. Not wanting to lose, she looks him straight in the eye when she answers. “That looking for a meaning is pointless, when there is beauty in the world.” She says it with the solemnity of Neji, although he would never say such a thing. It sounded dumb in her head, but as she says it, she can tell that she hit something true. Sai nods, impressed. She wants to do a little dance, but Tenten doesn’t want him to know that she craves his approval.</p><p>“I never thought of that answer,” he says, tilting his head and looking at the sky.</p><p>“You think about the meaning of life? Like, regularly?” Tenten asks. He shrugs.</p><p>“I don’t speak to a lot of people, so I have to entertain myself.” He says with a shrug, indifferent. Tenten frowns, not liking the idea of anyone acclimating to solitude. No one should have to be alone. She looks up at him and steps forward.</p><p>“You can call me,” she says, “if you ever want to talk to someone.” Sai nods, mulling it over. He doesn’t want her to spend time with him out of pity, but he does want to see her more frequently. It is a real dilemma. So he smiles, and nods. “Okay.” Tenten mirrors him, which he hopes means that she genuinely likes spending time with him, and not that she is doing this out of a misplaced sense of obligation.</p><p>They are standing there, looking at each other, and they can both tell that it is becoming awkward. Neither wants to turn away, but they both have other things to do. Not for the first time, Tenten curses Neji for making her train and get smelly so early in the day, and Sai for having the worse timing. So she decides to break their moment first.</p><p>“I have to go, but I’ll see you around,” nodding, she doesn’t wait for him to say anything before leaving. He stands and watches her, tilting his head.</p><p>A life without meaning; he supposes that it is what he has been living all along.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Like most people who are forced to attend therapy, Sasuke doesn’t really know why he is here. He <em>knows</em>, sure, whatever, but he doesn’t know how this process is supposed to make him better. He sits, arms crossed and shoulders back against the seat. He doesn’t scowl like he used to, but he definitely doesn’t look happy to be there.</p><p>His therapist is a woman barely older than him. Her name is Rin. She wears her hair back in various twists, and she wears a lot of neutrals. That is how he is supposed to feel about her: neutral. Over the years, they have cultivated a mutual indifference that rivals what he shares with Sai and Neji. He is fine with how things are. She is not.</p><p>“How have you been since our last appointment?” Rin asks, her voice clipped. Sasuke shrugs.</p><p>“Fine. Not much has changed.” He has decided to try and be nicer to her, if only to break up the monotony of these appointments.</p><p>“How is work?”</p><p>“Tenten is still the only team member I like.” Rin sighs, and she looks at him from beneath her glasses.</p><p>“Why her?” Sasuke tilts his head back, looking at the ceiling. It is popcorn. The kind Sakura would call tacky.</p><p>“She is just easy to work with,” he tries to think of a more satisfying answer. “Ten is easy to talk to. She just is who she is.”</p><p>“So, you feel like she is authentic?” she writes something on her notepad. He doesn’t envy her, having to crack the code of Sasuke. He doesn’t even know what to make of himself.</p><p>“We’re all damaged, she isn’t.” He looks up at the ceiling, already irritated by the direction his therapist will take this in. “She is a whole person. It’s an attractive quality.”</p><p>“So you are attracted to her?”</p><p>“You are twisting my words.” He breathes through his nose. He doesn’t like being misunderstood. To his knowledge, Team Seven, his mother, Itachi and Hinata were the only people who had bothered to truly understand him. “I don’t like her like <em>that</em>. She is objectively the nicest one on the team. I’m pretty sure that’s why she was assigned to us.” That, and she has good aim.</p><p>Rin sighs, and takes her glasses off, putting them on her head. Like having worse vision will help her see him better. “How are things with Hinata?” Sasuke drops his hands to his lap, and he moves his head to look at her. He likes talking about Hinata.</p><p>“She is good,” he says, “I told her that you like her.” Rin gives him an amused look.</p><p>“Oh?”</p><p>“Was I wrong?” Rin smiles at him.</p><p>“No, I can tell that she has had a good influence.” She jots something down on her notepad. “You aren’t hostile.”</p><p>“I don’t know if hostile is the right word.” Sasuke puts a finger to his chin. “I prefer resistant.”</p><p>“Oh no, you are still resistant. You just aren’t as mean.” Rin gives him a smirk, and in this moment, he allows himself to feel a spark of affection towards her. She has been in his life for the past nine years, and she has never gotten angry with him over his abysmal progress towards—how did she put it—vulnerability and the full integration of past trauma.  </p><p>“Whatever. The point is, is that she is was happy to hear that you like her.” Sasuke replies, “she is the kind of person who likes being a good influence.” Rin nods. She has grown to understand that it is best to let him speak when he feels like it. “She smiled when I told her that she made it easier to talk about my mom.”</p><p>“She loves you,” Rin says, “she wants you to think about things that make you happy.” Sasuke clucks his tongue.</p><p>“It didn’t use to make me happy.” Sasuke replies, fidgeting in his seat. Rin blinks.</p><p>“That is because you were ashamed of your feelings.” Rin says, “Hinata makes being happy less scary, doesn’t she?”</p><p>Sasuke thinks about this for a minute. It’s true. Being with Hinata makes being happy without his family feel less like a betrayal. He would even go so far as to say that his mom would want him to be happy and loved. If asked this six month ago, Sasuke would still insist that he had to be miserable, that it was all he could rely on in this life. That life without his parents and brother should be hell.</p><p>But Hinata had challenged his beliefs. She made him feel…loveable. Like she took all the things Naruto and Sakura feel for him, and amplified them. It is nice. He permits himself to smile. Rin clears her throat, putting her glasses back on.</p><p>“However,” she says, “there is no way we can complete treatment until you tell me about what happened with Orochimaru and the massacre.” She pauses. “You don’t need to tell me everything, but you need to be able to talk about it without shutting down.” His smile disappears, and he blinks. He feels like an anvil was dropped on his head. Hinata and his mother keep those memories at bay, and he prefers to block them out for a reason.</p><p>“It won’t change what happened.” He replies, defensive. “I’m a functional person. Look at my stats. I have friends, I’m in love. I really think I’m healthy now.” Rin sighs, looking at him like he is especially stupid.</p><p>“You won’t be healthy until you can look at what happened to you. Because those experiences you had impacted the man you’ve become.” Sasuke frowns.</p><p>“You mean an emotionally stunted criminal?” the question is rhetorical, but Rin has the courtesy to frown.</p><p>“Is that who you really think you are?” Rin has a way of outmaneuvering him. “Because according to you, Uchiha Sasuke is a functional member of society, a loyal ninja, and a loving boyfriend.” He sits there, not stunned but surprised. Rin has a way of exposing the mean things he believes about himself. She looks right at him, a silent evaluation.</p><p>She puts her notepad down, declaring that they are finished for today. She expects to see him in another month.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>Tenten had nicked herself while shaving. The cut was too large to cover with a bandage, so she decides to leaves it open to the air. She sits on the floor, her back against her mattress, looking at the cut on her knee.</p><p>She lives in a studio apartment, and other than a mattress and a dresser, there is no furniture. Decorating would feel like she was settling down, and she isn’t ready to admit that this is her life. She only has two coffee mugs. The larkspur sits in one, filled with water, by the sink. The oranges sit on the counter, by her coffee maker.</p><p>Turns out she didn’t want an orange or to masturbate. She wanted coffee. She indulges, despite it being the late afternoon, because she is going out later tonight. She is trying to read, but she just can’t get into the book. Neji told her didn’t think she would like it, and she had replied that she was trying to expand her horizons. When he continued to stare, she confessed that she was worried that she didn’t have an inner life. She lives alone, and if she wants to cultivate one, she needs to get into hobbies that encourage inner reflection, like reading or knitting.</p><p>Neji had rolled his eyes and told her that everyone has an inner life. It was easy for him to say that, because he was always stuck in his own head. He couldn’t be any other way. But Tenten feels as if her attention is always pulled outwards, away from her. Now that she has begun to accept the possibility of being alone, she needs to learn how to spend time with herself.</p><p>But this book is boring her, like Neji predicted. She drops it on the floor and looks straight ahead at the white wall in front of her. Maybe she should get into scrying. She is sure that her walls have the answers, if only she could get to them. Sighing, she stands up, looking around her apartment. Walking is a solitary activity. She is already wearing underwear, so she grabs a pair of shorts and a large t-shirt to wear. She doesn’t bother with a bra, tucking her shirt into her waistband.</p><p>The shirt had been an ugly orange, and three sizes too big. With frequent washing, it is now tissue-paper thin and an inoffensive cantaloupe. Her hair is wet, so she leaves it down. As she sticks her feet into her sandals, she fluffs her bangs, hoping they dry alright. She chugs her coffee, grabs her house keys and leaves.</p><p>She skips down the stairs, two at a time, and when she finally gets out of the building, there is a big smile on her face. Movement makes her happy. She turns right and walks up the street, towards the market. She doesn’t need anything, but she figures it would be fun to people watch.</p><p>She spots Sai as he picks up a carton of tomatoes. He looks focused, trying to see as much as he can while only touching the packaging. He is conscientious that way. She walks up to him, and taps his shoulder. He turns and smiles wordlessly, before putting the tomatoes back onto the display table.</p><p>“Ten,” he says, his voice low. It makes her feel warm to hear him use her nickname. Granted, it wasn’t his idea, but the way he says it makes it feel like it is his own personal name for her.</p><p>“Sai,” she replies, and he looks at her with a look that makes her cheeks warm. A part of her is disgusted by her infatuation, but a bigger part is buzzing.</p><p>“Does life still have no meaning?” Sai asks, turning his body to her, and again, he looms. It isn’t a gesture of intimidation. Rather, it feels like he wants to be close to her. Tenten moves her head side to side, hands on her hips. He exhales. “I thought your belief was firm?”</p><p>“A belief isn’t a fact,” Tenten shoots back, “it’s more about faith.”</p><p>“Faith,” he says in a hum. He puts his hand onto Tenten’s upper arm, nudging her out of the way of another customer.</p><p>“I’m going on a walk.” She puts her hands into her pockets, drooping her shoulders so she can angle her chin up at him. “Do you want to join me?”</p><p>Sai looks down at the tomatoes, calculating whether he can put off grocery shopping for another day. Luckily, Sakura had given him the left over pancakes from breakfast, and he already has a few eggs and vegetables, so he has something to eat for dinner and breakfast. He shrugs, like a <em>sure thing</em>, if he spoke that way, and he follows her lead.</p><p>She wastes no time, talking as soon as they get out of the market. “I need to cultivate an inner life.” Sai gives her a look, but he withholds judgement as she continues. “I spend so much time alone, and I need to figure out how to be by myself.” Sai nods, and she turns to him for his opinion.</p><p>“I’m surprised that you’ve thought about the meaning of life,” he says, “and yet you think that you don’t have one inside you.” Sai shakes his head. “It doesn’t really make sense.” She chews on that for a bit, and Sai doesn’t say anything. They walk back down towards her apartment, and eventually she finishes mulling it all over.</p><p>“I guess I just get bored easily,” she says, chewing on her thumbnail, “maybe that’s my real problem.” She is always looking for ways to improve herself. Guy taught her to never settle for anything less.</p><p>“Why would there be a problem?” Sai asks, “boredom simply is. There isn’t any point in struggling against it.” He always says things like they are factual and make perfect sense. It doesn’t annoy her, but it does make her jealous. She would love to live in a world where everything makes sense.</p><p>“I’m not like you,” she replies, “I can’t cruise through life the way you can.” Sai snorts, turning to look at her.</p><p>“Cruise?”</p><p>“You know,” she waves her hands, as if a hand sign would be more illustrative. “You can just roll with the punches.”</p><p>“The punches?”</p><p>“You are unflappable, and you are comfortable with who and where you are in life.” She smiles at him, “You are always cruising. I’m honestly kind of jealous.” It blindsides him, the idea that he has anything she would want for herself. Sai looks ahead, trying to remain neutral. She wonders if she said something offensive.</p><p>“Cruising,” he says, “I like that.” He turns to smile down at her, and she brushes his arm with her hand. The contact makes him bite his lip, and he leans closer to her. She sees her apartment come into view, and she pauses. He stops with her, and while she looks ahead, he can only think about her mouth. He is seriously thinking about kissing her.</p><p>“Sai?” Tenten asks, looking up at him. He quickly shifts his gaze to look at her eyes.</p><p>“Yes?” Sai’s voice is a little terse, as he tries to stop thinking about kissing her.</p><p>“I have to go get ready for something.” She sighs, putting her hands on her hips. “But we should go walking again sometime.” He nods, and steps back. Waving, he turns away.</p><p>She watches him walk back towards the market, and she feels her heart fall into her stomach. When his figure disappears, she turns and walks back towards her building.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. An Obligatory Party Sequence</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The philosophy of more: a pink line of dexedrine, a toe ring and an unruly vibrator.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em>“Let’s be honest with ourselves/ we’re way too high to drive”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Khalid, “Homemade Dynamite (Remix)”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The best bar in Konoha is a real dive. It is dirty, the floor sticky from alcohol being sloshed around and improperly cleaned up. It is relatively small, so it is always packed on weekends. Lots of civilians are there, so the pool is large to choose from. It’s not too fancy, so the girls can get away with wearing sneakers or boots. There are a few tables and booths, so when they inevitably drag Shino, he has a place to sit and observe. The last time they went out, Ino caught him talking to a girl, and when Hinata had given him their old signal that they were leaving, he decided to stay. <em>Growth</em>, Kiba had said, with pride.</p><p>The ritual goes something like this: Kiba’s apartment is closest to the bar, so everyone goes there to pre-game. Aside from the girls, Lee, Shino and Chouji are also invited. Kiba usually plays some sort of classic rock (tonight, it’s “Paradise City”, <em>where the grass is green, and the girls are pretty</em>). Everyone brings at least one can of beer to drink before they go. Shino is usually there first, and Tenten is always dead last.</p><p>Kiba and Shino created a strict “No Assholes Who Slept with Our Female Friends” policy, out of solidarity. As such, Naruto, Neji and Sai have never been invited. Sasuke never showed any interest in being friends, so is also excluded. Shikamaru once had a standing invitation, but it was revoked when he began to see Ino. He never came out anyway. Chouji wants to invite him again, but respects the rules. Lee simply prefers the company of women, and he loves to go out dancing with Tenten and Ino.</p><p>Tonight, everyone is feeling extra wild. It has been a hot day, the kind that makes everyone feel incredibly restless. There is a certain buzz in the air, starting when Shino and Ino show up at Kiba’s door. Shino had plans to meet up with the girl he has been seeing, so he wears a navy turtle neck, with a thick black stripe across it, which reveals the bottom half of his face. He has a nice jawline, and he smiles more frequently than most would assume. Ino keeps commenting on how dewy and clear his skin is, which makes Shino blush and Kiba smirk.</p><p>It’s probably, partially, because of the way Ino is dressed. She’s hot. Kiba and Shino can admit it. Her dress is oyster purple, and silver thread is woven throughout the fabric, so it shimmers in the light. The straps are thinner than Hinata’s pinkie finger, and the dress reveals her collarbone and the upper half of her sternum. The back cuts down into a scoop that cradles the bottom of her shoulder blades. Her dress stops mid-thigh, revealing her long, muscular legs, ending in her white tennis sneakers. She is wearing the small, silver hoops that match the ones worn by Shikamaru and Chouji. She cut her hair again, into a mid-length cut that skims her shoulders.</p><p>Kiba welcomes them in, with open arms. Shino puts his hands in his pockets, as Ino swans in. She is carrying the paper bag with their two cans of beer, and Ino’s ID, a few bills and a house key, wrapped in a handkerchief and tied together with a rubber band. Chouji will inevitably end up carrying them for her. She is bubbly and excited, personifying the very energy of the night. Kiba snickers as the two head to the kitchen, when he hears another knock at the door.</p><p>Hinata is there, with a quiet smile on her lips. She is wearing a black satin top, with a pair of shorts. They sit high on her waist, with four buttons on each hip, mimicking the flair of her lower half. The neckline is a shallow scoop, and the straps are thin. She wears black sandals, and she painted her toenails lavender. Kiba spies the thin, silver ring on her middle toe. It’s a sweet little touch, and it makes Kiba smile. People say the Hyuugas don’t have a sense of humour, but Hinata has a pretty sly one.</p><p>“Nice ring.” Hinata glances back down at her feet, and smiles to herself.</p><p>“It’s not too much, is it?” her voice is delicate, and Kiba rolls his eyes.</p><p>“As if you could ever be too much. Come in.” Hinata smiles, and scampers over to where Shino and Ino have already started drinking. This is the point in the evening where Kiba decides to just leave the door unlocked.</p><p>Akamaru sits between Shino and Hinata, and Ino is looking at Kiba’s music collection. Her hands are on her hips, and Kiba avoids picturing the long ling of her spine, dipping into the fabric of her dress down to the two spread wings of her pelvis. She turns to him, smirking.</p><p>“Guns ‘N’ Roses?” her approval is evident on her face.</p><p>“Well, it is weather like this that has the potential to make Konoha feel like paradise, if only briefly,” Kiba heads to the fridge to get a beer.</p><p>The weather is, as Kiba calls it, truly <em>stink-o hot, </em>especially for November. For this reason, Kiba is wearing all linen. A robin egg blue, short sleeve button up, untucked from the grey linen shorts he wears on his lower half. The shorts hit mid-thigh, and he plans on wearing his sandals. Sticking his arm into the fridge, he looks over to Shino, who is wearing the black fatigues they all have.</p><p>“You sure you’re going to be comfortable in pants? I have a pair of shorts you can borrow.” Kiba grabs a beer and pops open the tab. Shino is blushing, already feeling exposed.</p><p>“It is pretty warm, and we are going to be dancing,” Hinata looks at her teammate, who is pointedly look at the ground.</p><p>“What about my shirt?” The question is quiet. Ino, Hinata and Kiba all look to each other.</p><p>“Your shirt?” Kiba repeats the question dumbly.</p><p>“Do you think it will look okay with shorts?” Shino is still quiet, and he looks almost ashamed.</p><p>Ino puts her hand to her cheek, appraising Shino. Hinata and Kiba are good friends, but if there is anyone who can make someone feel desired, it is Ino. She tilts her head and makes a grunting noise, like a farmer appraising a prize hog.</p><p>“I think it could look good, actually.” She smiles, “Kiba, do you have any black shorts like the ones you are wearing?” Kiba smiles, picking up a folded pair from the top of his folded clean laundry. He throws the shorts over to Shino, who grabs them and heads over to the washroom.</p><p>As the bathroom door closes, they can hear Chouji and Sakura lumber in. Chouji is wearing a Hawaiian dad shirt: it is a muted pink, with tigers, parrots and palm leaves on it. He is wearing olive shorts that hit him an inch above the knee. He had bought the shirt with Ino the other weekend, and he was wearing a green baseball cap with a hibiscus flower on the front, that Ino had bought him on a whim. He also wears his silver hoops, and he and Sakura are debating different chip flavours (they had been on snack duty).</p><p>Sakura is wearing a forest green romper. The neck dips mid-sternum, and the straps are two finger-widths wide. She has pockets too, which is endlessly convenient for her. She is wearing white tennis shoes, while Chouji is wearing his sandals. Her hair is down, with her cherry hair clips keeping her fringe out of her eyes. She wears the cherry ring Shino got from a vending machine and gave to her on her ring finger. Sometimes, she flashes it in front of him to get a blush.</p><p>She pulls out a bag of barbecue chips, and tosses them to Kiba, who gets a bowl out as well. Popping open the bag, he shakes the chips into the bowl. Shino walks out of the bathroom, pants under his arm. He silently looks around for a place to put them, and Hinata takes them from him, putting them in the bag Team 8 has left in Kiba’s place, of all the things they leave behind and will one day pick up.</p><p>Ino calls to Chouji, waving her little package at him. “Can’t you use a purse?” he grumbles, “or wear a bra and put it in there?” Ino glares at him. Chouji is the only man alive who is completely immune to her, so he simply blinks.</p><p>“Whatever,” she pouts, “I’m hopeless. I don’t know why you think I would change.” Chouji snorts, putting his hand out for the bundle. Ino drops it into his hand, and he tucks it into his shorts.</p><p>Kiba, a generous host, walks around, making sure everyone has a beer in hand. They have a very specific ritual, and it hinges on everyone being half-cut before Tenten finally shows up. Luckily, she is almost always late, so they have plenty of time to enjoy their drinks, talking about work. Ino and Hinata stand by the television, watching Sakura and Kiba shotgun a beer. Hinata says it reminds her of Naruto, which makes both Kiba and Sakura frown and Ino cackle.</p><p>Chouji is with Shino, reassuring him that yes, the turtleneck and the shorts work together. Akamaru sits on Shino’s feet, and barks when Kiba spills beer on the floor. He swears loudly, and Hinata runs over to get the paper towel while Shino holds Akamaru back. Kiba stomps his foot, and Ino tells him to calm down, <em>it is just beer</em>.</p><p>Then, like an archangel of mercy, they hear Tenten walk in. She is in the middle of scolding Lee over something inconsequential. Lee, absolutely forbidden from drinking, relies on the drugs she brings with her more than the rest of them.</p><p>“Tenten,” Kiba hollers, hands on his hips. “What took you so long this time?”</p><p>“Sorry,” she says, “I only get an entire weekend off every few weeks, forgive me if ensuring you all have drugs is low on my list of priorities.” She kicks of her sandals, while Lee follows her into the apartment.</p><p>“I wanted to try that new restaurant over in the west end, by the wall.” Lee shrugs. He wears a green muscle shirt and denim shorts, and he unties his sneakers. They are beat up and grey. While Lee takes his shoes off, Tenten strides into the kitchen, pulling her wallet out of her shorts.</p><p>She has a fluid walk; not as beautiful as Sai or Neji’s but more graceful than Sasuke. Tenten’s shoulders have developed well; over all, she has become more cut, as Kiba puts it. Her shorts are black with a high waist. She wears a white, satin camisole cropped at her waist. There are yellow, violet and blue blotches, in water colour, on the blouse. It billows around her frame, and reveals a sliver of her tummy. She uses a genjutsu to hide her tattoo. It is too hot to dance with her arms covered.</p><p>Like Ino, she didn’t bother with a bra. She has been, one could say, <em>lonely</em>.</p><p>Kiba left a cutting board and knife out for her. She smiles. It’s cute how over prepared Kiba is when they use recreational drugs. Tenten pulls a baggy out of her wallet, emptying out four pink pills. They are pink and triangular, with lines down the middle.</p><p>“Hands up if you want to swallow.” Tenten says, quickly splitting each pill in half. Everyone puts their hand up, and she smiles, not knowing why she asks.</p><p>If asked, Tenten would say that her favourite drug, without a doubt, is Dexedrine. Otherwise known as dextroamphetamine and affectionately known as dex, it is a stimulant used in the treatment of ADHD and to keep military pilots awake on long-haul flights. Every member of Anbu receives a monthly allotment of uppers and downers. Her team gets dextroamphetamine and clonazepam. Her team mates, however, hate speed. They have all mentioned it both individually and collectively to their doctors, but nonetheless, each month, they receive fourteen pills, a week’s supply of each.</p><p>Now, Neji, Sai and Sasuke all had shitty childhoods, so they keep their clonazepam for a rainy day. Luckily for Tenten, they all loathe dex; it’s disorienting and the zing is just a little too much. So they just give their pills to Tenten. In turn, she pays it forward by doling out the extra pills when she goes out. She claims to do it for the people, but really, she is just someone who craves the speedy, amped feeling of stimulants. Having other people to do it with is just an excuse to be high.</p><p>They receive 5 milligram pills of the instant release. A shorter term high. Tenten finds that a 2.5 milligram dose is the perfect for going out. It makes you more alert and energetic, but it the actual high is a pleasant background hum. Ino put it best: life is simply less <em>difficult</em> on dex.</p><p>It also makes Tenten incredibly horny. Ino says she feels it too, but Sakura simply feels a wave of euphoria, a buzzy sense of well-being. Hinata has never given a direct response, so Tenten assumed that it horned her up too. Ino once said that she thinks it probably gets Sakura worked up, she just refuses to acknowledge her sexuality. Tenten wasn’t sure at first, but the more she watches Sakura and Naruto dance around each other, she thinks Ino may be onto something. Since she doesn’t have a boyfriend and on the off-chance she strikes out, Tenten made sure to leave her vibrator out. She doesn’t really care about what dex does to the boys.</p><p>She easily splits each pill into two, and the seven of them line up for their portion. The point of these nights is to stay up and go dancing. Everyone will have one drink to get a buzz going, take some dex, and be good for the rest of the night. Being moderately high is simply less messy, and overall, more pleasurable.</p><p>She places a little pink triangle on each palm, and because they are so small, they dry swallow the pills. Ino always puckers her lips and shakes her head after, making her blonde hair swish around like a show pony. Kiba swallows his pill in one big gulp and goes over to turn the music up, while Sakura and Chouji, both hopeless, always let the pill sit too long on their tongue and get the slightly bitter tang. Shino and Hinata build up spit in their mouths, and then swallow.</p><p>Lee just throws it right back and down his throat. He has never once gagged or choked.</p><p>Tenten doesn’t drink, out of solidarity with Lee. However, instead of swallowing, she likes to crush and snort her dex. She places her pill on the cutting board, and pulls out a bill and a credit card. While Kiba and Ino argue about the music, waiting for the high to hit, Tenten takes the side of the knife to crush the pill into a fine, pink dust. She is thorough, pushing the knife up and down until the powder is, more or less, uniform.</p><p>Running her pointer against the side of the blade, she collects the pink dust on side, and sticks it into her mouth. <em>Yummy</em>, she thinks. She places the knife in the dishwasher, and then uses her credit card to shape a nice line. Everyone has turned away by now, to allow her to enjoy the rush in peace.</p><p>Tenten rolls the bill, and she uses her finger to close one nostril as she leans down and pulls in one big breath. She gobbles up the entire line in one go, and it stings her nose. But the rush hits strong and quick, and in her sexless life, it is almost as good as the orgasm she gave herself before getting dressed.</p><p>Ino, sped up and loud, bounds over to Ten. “You look hot,” she says, as Tenten tilts her head back and sighs. Mucus drips down the back of her throat. Believe it or not, it is Sakura and not Tenten who is the real cokehead, but Sakura likes to wait for dex to hit.</p><p>“Thanks,” Tenten replies, with a big smile on her face.</p><p>“You looking to get laid tonight?” Ino giggles, and Tenten rolls her eyes.</p><p>“It would be nice,” she sighs, “I can’t stare at a wall like the rest of the team.” Ino snorts in response. “I have been with both Neji and Sai,” Ino drawls, “and I still can’t imagine either of them having sex.” Tenten blushes at Sai’s name, as she leans against the countertop.</p><p>“You and Sai were seventeen,” Tenten replies, “you don’t even know what sex is at that age.”</p><p>“So were you and Neji.” Ino remarks. Tenten rolls her eyes.</p><p>“At that age, the parts just fit.” Tenten says, “we didn’t have much else in common.” She doesn’t mind talking about Neji with Ino. She gets it.</p><p>“When are we going to find a boy for you?” Ino asks, batting her eyelashes. Tenten looks up at the ceiling, letting the zing move through her.</p><p>“Are you trying to marry me off?” Tenten asks on a sigh. “Why me specifically?”</p><p>“I worry about you,” Ino replies, twirling a lock of platinum hair around her finger. “You always seem lonely.” She frowns, looking at Tenten’s face. There is a moment of silence, and just as Tenten opens her mouth to speak, Kiba is hollering that it is time for them to go—the night won’t last forever, and they can’t keep Shino’s girl waiting. Ino immediately floats over to Chouji, and Tenten watches her friends from a distance.</p><p>She tilts her head, wondering if she would feel more excited to go if she weren’t in Anbu. It is hard to go into dark, crowded places and feel safe. She stretches her neck, and stands up, striding over to the door. She pets Akamaru on her way to her sandals.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Naruto likes going to noisy bars. Sasuke supposes that this is because, unlike his friends, not only does he have the capacity to feel boundless joy, he actively chases that feeling. It is always shots, girls, dancing, more shots, loud music. The philosophy of consumption: why stop when you could have <em>more</em>?</p><p>Sasuke thumps the back of head on the wall. Sai sits beside him, sipping a beer. Naruto is at the head of the table, blabbing to Neji about all that they have missed while they were out of the village. Neji runs his pointer finger along the rim of his glass, listening but disinterested. Shikamaru drinks beside Neji, rubbing his temples. The only thing the four of them have in common is that they aren’t immune to Naruto’s pleading.</p><p>He had promised that getting the band back together would be fun. As far as Sasuke was concerned, Neji and Shikamaru were never in the band and Sai barely qualified. Their table looks out over the dance floor. They are all hoping a girl catches Naruto’s attention, so that he doesn’t try to force them to dance.</p><p>The beat is loud, consistent. It thumps, no matter the song<em>. Cocaine for breakfast/ yikes</em>. Sasuke smiles at the idea. Tenten loves speed, but Sakura is definitely the cokehead of their little family. She once called it <em>delicious</em>. Sasuke had rolled his eyes, and then nearly died of laughter when Naruto put some powder on his tongue and gagged at the taste. It was even funnier when his tongue went numb, and Sai had to explain that coke can be used as a local anaesthetic. It was enough to make up for how exponentially annoying Sakura and Naruto are when coked up.</p><p>Sasuke is looking up at the ceiling, thinking about how nice it will be to go home and crawl into bed next to Hinata, when Naruto suddenly hollers. The rest of the crew have come to the bar, probably to do their ritual of excluding the five of them. Naruto, clueless as ever, gives up on trying to convince them to go dancing and gets up to go over to Kiba.</p><p>“We weren’t invited,” Shikamaru reminds Naruto, “if you recall, it’s because of your busted up relationship with Hinata.” It wasn’t so much that Hinata and Naruto weren’t friends, as much as it was Kiba and Shino being overprotective. Of course, Naruto was the only one who actually wanted to go to one of these parties. The other four knew they could watch their friends use dex and dance obnoxiously pretty much any other day, but Naruto hates being left out.</p><p>Deciding not to listen, Naruto goes over to Kiba, who greets him. They must have popped the dex recently, if Kiba is okay with Naruto crashing the party. Sasuke flicks his eyes over Kiba’s shoulder, where Hinata is talking to Ino. Not for the first time that day, Sasuke wishes people just knew. Then he wouldn’t have to pretend he was looking anywhere else. “Ino cut her hair,” Sasuke’s voice is monotone, turning his gaze away. Shikamaru gives him a confused look, for Sasuke shows nothing but contempt for Ino. Looking over, Shikamaru smirks when he sees Hinata speaking to Ino. It is, what Shino would call, <em>a development</em>.</p><p>Chouji comes over, and he hands Shikamaru a cloth bundle. “This,” Chouji says, “belongs to Ino, and therefore, you.” Shikamaru pouts. Neji smirks at the mention of Ino. Their relationship had been one of convenience, but you can’t unsee someone naked.</p><p>“Who says I am going to be here all night?” Shikamaru deadpans.</p><p>“Isn’t tomorrow your one day off?” Chouji volleys back, “I can’t imagine Ino plans on letting you get much sleep.” Even Sai laughs at the way Shikamaru shuts up. Sai gets up and excuses himself to the washroom, and Sasuke looks at Neji and nods towards the bar. Shikamaru still hasn’t quite recovered from Chouji shutting him down, and both Neji and Sasuke have finished their drinks.</p><p>“Do you think Sai will make his move on Ten?” Sasuke asks. Neji smirks.</p><p>“It’s going to be Ten,” he replies, “Sai isn’t assertive.” Sasuke nods, as they head over to bar.</p><p>On their way over, he walks behind Neji, and he is able to touch his elbow to Hinata’s waist, making her squeak. Sasuke shrugs in response, since she now has to deal with Ino asking why she looks so grumpy. He is really looking forward to going home soon.  </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Sasuke and Neji are at the bar, waiting for the bar tender to pay attention to them. Sasuke tries not to look at Hinata, who is talking to Shino and some girl. He doesn’t know if he can hear her, or if her voice simply plays in his head, but he can tell that she likes the girl Shino is seeing. Her mouth is soft, instead of tight on her face.</p><p>Neji and Sasuke like each other’s company because they aren’t compelled to speak to each other. It’s nice to not have to talk. Sasuke is busy looking at Hinata while Neji is looking at the drinks on tap, and they don’t notice Tenten creep up behind Neji and hook her elbow on his shoulder. Neji smiles at her, while Tenten sticks out her tongue.</p><p>“Ten,” Sasuke says, tilting his head. She has her dex face on; a relaxed, yet pepped up expression. No one is supposed to know that they are on a squad together, but it is an open secret amongst their friends. It’s weird, hanging out off the clock.</p><p>“Sasuke.” Tenten takes her arm off Neji’s shoulder, and he looks back up at the drinks.</p><p>“You are in a good mood,” Neji says, “you must have taken dextroamphetamine.” He looks back at her, and she smiles.</p><p>“What gave it away?” Tenten bats her eyelashes, smiling.</p><p>“You aren’t mad that I said it,” Neji replies, looking back at her. “You aren’t drinking tonight?” Tenten shakes her head, pointing her thumb back over at Lee, who is helping Ino drag Sakura to the dancefloor. “Not with him around.” Neji nods, indifferent. Sasuke finds it endlessly funny that two of the calmest people he knows ended up on a team with Lee. He smirks at the thought, when Sai sidles up next to him. Sasuke can tell before he looks over his shoulder, by the way Tenten’s cheeks turn pink. Neji nods at Sai, and he too looks to Tenten, who hasn’t realized that they both know that she and Sai are dancing around each other. It’s cute.</p><p>“Comrades.” Sai is always awkward when she is around. Sasuke can tell that it’s because he is trying hard to come across as human.</p><p>“So what are the three of you doing here?” Tenten asks, still looking at Sai.</p><p>“Watching Naruto find Mrs. Uzumaki.” Sasuke says dryly. Neji smirks.</p><p>“Why are you here Ten?” Sai asks. Sasuke keeps his face neutral, but Neji snorts at the question. Once again: not subtle. She tilts her head to the side.</p><p>“It’s a thing I do with Kiba and the girls.” Tenten replies, fidgeting. “It’s a ritual.”</p><p>“No one who has slept with one of the girls can go,” Neji says, “which is why you,” he points to Sai, “and I weren’t invited. Right, Ten?” Neji looks to her, and she nods. Sai frowns.</p><p>“What about Sasuke?”</p><p>“I’m just an asshole,” Sasuke drawls, shrugging. “I’m not missing out on anything.”</p><p>“I don’t think we have ever been in a bar,” she says, “like, as a team.”</p><p>“Are we really here as a team if we weren’t invited to your party?” Sasuke asks. Tenten glares at him. “Are you covering your tattoo so you can be a regular girl?” Tenten gives Sasuke the middle finger, and he is the first to laugh. Neji smiles at her.</p><p>“You look nice, Ten.” He snickers, “like a normal girl.”</p><p>“You two are such assholes.” She crosses her arms, “it’s hot and I wanted to wear a nice top.” She puffs her cheeks. Smelling blood in the water, Sasuke grins. “You look good, Ten. <em>Almost</em> as pretty as the three of us.” She opens her mouth like a goldfish, bright pink. Neji snickers.</p><p>“I think you’re pretty, Ten.” Sai’s voice is even, but Sasuke can tell that it is a fake calm. Tenten smiles at Sai. “Thank you, Sai.” Delighted by the compliment, she doesn’t even notice the look Sasuke and Neji exchange. Sasuke steps between Sai and Tenten, heading back to the table. Neji laughs, and then presses his lips to his hand, and then his hand to her temple. “You look good, Ten,” Neji leaves them alone, walking towards Hinata, who calls out to him.</p><p>Tenten and Sai are left looking at each other, nodding awkwardly. “So, this…” Sai begins, hoping Tenten will keep their conversation going. She smiles, “it’s nice, isn’t it?” Sai nods, hoping he looks normal. She keeps smiling, so he assumes that he is doing something right.</p><p>“I suppose.” He curses himself for such a noncommittal response. His stomach still flip flops from this afternoon. Tenten turns, looking at Hinata, who is being teased by Neji.</p><p>“I better go save her,” Tenten turns to look at him, “but you are going to come dance, right?”</p><p>“I thought I wasn’t invited.” Sai smiles. Tenten gives him a sly look.</p><p>“I’ll see you down there.” Tenten smiles, before turning away.</p><p>He stares at her shoulders as she walks away, enthralled by how the blades move under her skin.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>When he finally gets back over to the table, Sai is immediately accosted by Naruto. “We,” he declares, “are going dancing.” Sai raises his eyebrows, hoping that will be enough to be left alone.</p><p>“We?”</p><p>“Yes,” Naruto replies, grinning, “we!”</p><p>“I don’t want to dance with you.” Sai is earnest. He only wants to dance with Tenten. No one else. Naruto pouts.</p><p>“How are you ever going to meet a girl if you stay up here and brood like those jerks!” Naruto points to their table, and Sai refrains from pointing out that <em>those jerks</em> are, <em>technically,</em> their friends. Sai simply shrugs in response, and Naruto interprets his lack of resistance as assent.</p><p>Grabbing his lower arm, Naruto drags him down to the dancefloor. He looks back, and feels betrayed at the thumbs up Sasuke gives him. Sai glares back, making the other man laugh<em>. Tenten was right</em>, he thinks, <em>you truly are an asshole</em>.</p><p>Naruto is dragging them through a sea of bodies, Sai grimacing the entire time. He sees a flash of pink hair, and Sai inwardly groans, not prepared to deal with the ordeal that is Sakura and Naruto, when Tenten appears in front of Naruto.</p><p>“Sakura is alone right now,” Tenten says,” Now is your chance to cut in.” Tenten puts a hand on Sai’s shoulder. “I’ll make sure he doesn’t go back to the corner.” Naruto gives her an uncertain look.</p><p>“You want me to leave, Sai?” Naruto asks him, and for a moment, Sai is moved by his friend’s loyalty.</p><p>“I insist,” he replies, “Sasuke and I have a bet.” They don’t, but it is enough get Naruto to beetle towards Sakura. She smiles and embraces him when she sees him, and Sai allows himself a smile. Then he feels Tenten’s breath on his neck, and he remembers how close they are.</p><p>“That was pretty slick,” she says, “Anbu training really comes in handy, doesn’t it?” Sai is distracted by the fact that their faces are inches apart. He nods, looking at her mouth. She steps back, grabbing his arm, pulling him into the sea of people.</p><p>Her face is relaxed, and she stands across from him. He really does try to follow her lead, but he is hopeless. He is stiff, and he can’t really move to the rhythm. She just stops dancing at one point, unable to hide her laughter. “Oh, Sai,” she holds a hand to her mouth. She thinks it is cute, really. He normally moves with such grace, that it is endearing to see what a bad dancer he is.</p><p>Normally, Sai would just frown and stop. But he sort of doubles down, and she holds her stomach, laughing harder. He smiles at her, and when she finally stops laughing, she thumps his chest. She smiles right at him, like, right into his eyes, and for Sai, it feels like everything falls away. The loud music, all the people, their well-meaning but annoying friends.</p><p>He watches her breathe. The in and out, two-beat rhythm. The way her chest expands and contracts. Before she does it, he thinks, <em>she will kiss me first</em>. It is a realization, on par with when he figured out that the sky was blue just cause, with no reason.  </p><p>When she flows towards him, he is ready. She presses her mouth to his lower lip. He doesn’t have time to respond before she pulls back, hand to her mouth, face flushed.</p><p>“Oh no,” she says, “Sai, I am so sorry. I should not have done that.” He can tell that she is embarrassed. She has no reason to be, but he can tell she won’t stop apologizing unless he says something.</p><p>He steps towards her, and puts his hands on her waist. His thumbs graze the skin above her waist band. She stills. “You don’t need to apologize.” He says, “may I kiss you again?” Tenten, silent, nods. He leans in, and everything fades away when she presses a palm to his cheek.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p>With Naruto gone, Neji and Sasuke can finally know some semblance of peace. Shikamaru and Chouji are still chatting, and Neji isn’t a conversationalist, so Sasuke looks over his shoulder to the dancefloor. His eyes flick over the bodies, holding his breath, shoulders tight.</p><p>When his eyes meet Hinata’s, he finally relaxes. A small smile spreads across his face. She stops dancing, and her milky eyes shine at him. Not for the first time, Sasuke’s stomach tightens as he appreciates her beauty. The way her nose and mouth fit on her face. The way the straps of her top expose her shoulders, her collarbones. The way the lights dance across her skin.</p><p>He wonders why she chose him. She smiles back at him, inviting him to dance. He shakes his head at her, catching the attention of everyone at the table. Chouji, who isn’t nosey, allows Sasuke to have some privacy. Neji and Shikamaru aren’t as kind. When they realize who Sasuke is looking at, both Shikamaru and Neji smirk. Standing up, Neji decides that he will help nudge fate along.</p><p>“Sasuke,” Neji says, “I’m leaving. Could you make sure Hinata gets home?” Sasuke swivels his head to look at Neji. He simply nods at his captain. No snarky remark or narrowed eyes. <em>He must really like her. </em>The thought makes Neji smile.</p><p>Sasuke turns back to look at Hinata. He is so distracted, that he hasn’t fully realized that Shikamaru and Neji know. Shikamaru looks at Neji. “You approve of Sasuke?” Shikamaru asks. Neji shrugs.</p><p>“He’s a good worker.” Neji pushes his chair in.</p><p>“What about Tenten?” Shikamaru taps his fingers against the table. Neji usually sticks around to make sure Hinata and Tenten get home in one piece, even though they don’t need it.</p><p>“Sai is on it.” Neji tucks a lock of hair behind his ear. Shikamaru grins.</p><p>“Is he a good worker too?” Shikamaru has a shit-eating grin on his face. Neji nods.</p><p>“I also know where to find the two of them,” he snickers, and Shikamaru laughs. Chouji rolls his eyes and sips on his beer.</p><p>“We won’t tell Ino,” Chouji says, “right Shikamaru?” Shikamaru shrugs.</p><p>“Or do.” Neji shrugs, “who cares?” Shikamaru laughs, as Chouji waves to Neji. Sasuke still hasn’t looked away from Hinata, who has given up on getting him to dance. She bops around, keeping an eye on the table. Kiba is dancing with a girl, while Naruto, Ino, Lee and Sakura dance with each other. Shino is talking to his girl at the bar, and Hinata is pretty sure she saw Tenten and Sai making out somewhere.</p><p>When Neji leaves the bar, she takes her chance. Without saying a word to anyone, she weaves through the crowd of people. When he sees her on the move, Sasuke jumps up. On his way over, Shikamaru, unprompted, says he will cover for them. Sasuke nods, his ears thumping.</p><p>“Ready to go?” Sasuke asks. Hinata nods, taking his hand.</p><p>When they get out of the bar, the night is still hot. There is a breeze, and people are walking around, drunk and happy. They are silent for a little bit, Sasuke rubbing his thumb across the knuckles of her hands.</p><p>“Why didn’t you dance with me?” Hinata’s voice is light and silver. Sasuke groans.</p><p>“I don’t dance,” he says, “it’s bad for my image.” Hinata puts her other hand around his wrist. Her thumb rests over the silk-thin skin of his wrist.</p><p>“It would have been nice.” She puts her head on his shoulder. They are walking up an empty street, her apartment just a few blocks away.</p><p>“I just don’t like it.” He wrinkles his nose.</p><p>“It would have been with me.” She replies. Turning her head, her mouth is now against his arm. He can feel her lips through the cotton of his t-shirt.</p><p>“Well, then everyone would know.” He says. Hinata sighs.</p><p>“Would that be the worst thing?” Hinata asks, “people knowing?” Sasuke looks at her, thinking. His expression is unreadable to her.</p><p>“You want people to know?” Sasuke repeats her question, making sure that he heard it correctly. Hinata nods against his arm, her cheek rubbing against the fabric of his shirt.</p><p>“Yes.” Her voice is soft, tender in the night.</p><p>“I don’t know,” he says. A part of him wants people to know, but a bigger, paranoid part of him wants to hide their relationship from the world. People are always looking to find his weakness, and he doesn’t like the idea of everyone knowing about his private life. If he were honest, he doesn’t want anyone, not even Hinata, to know how scared he is of what could happen if he allowed himself to accept that he is happy.</p><p>So he keeps silent, and they both allow it to fall away.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p>Shortly after Hinata and Sasuke leave the bar, Ino bounds up to Shikamaru. Her cheeks are pink and her eyes glimmer. For a long time, he insisted that he was immune to Ino’s beauty. But he was a liar then. Shikamaru likes to think that he has grown into a more honest man.</p><p>She sits on his lap and puts her arms around his neck. He rests a hand on her hip, but he doesn’t let her distract him from Chouji. She kisses his temple, and he shrugs away.</p><p>“I’m trying to talk to Chouji.” She grins, having successfully redirected his attention towards her.</p><p>“You guys are gross,” Chouji remarks, “I hope you know that.” Shikamaru snorts.</p><p>“It’s just the dex,” Shikamaru says, “isn’t that right, Ino?” Chouji snorts.</p><p>“No, you two are always this gross when you’ve been drinking.” Ino swishes her hair over her shoulder.</p><p>“Why didn’t you dance with us, Chouji?” Ino asks. He pretends to think for a moment, before replying.</p><p>“I prefer intelligent company.” Chouji taps the table with his knuckles. “Besides, Neji and Sasuke are even prettier than you.” Ino scowls, and Shikamaru kisses her bare shoulder. She smells like coconut and tastes like salt.</p><p>Chouji, smirking, stands up, stretching. He looks around, and Sakura and Naruto are walking over, giggling and only speaking to each other. Shikamaru taps on Ino’s hip. “We better head out.” She smiles at him.</p><p>“But I’m not tired.” She bats her eyelashes, and he makes a face.</p><p>“I didn’t say I was <em>tired</em>.” He leans into her ear, “but, if you must <em>know</em>, Sasuke and Hinata left the bar together and Sai and Tenten are somewhere making out. Making sure Sakura and Naruto don’t ask any questions is the least we could do.” Ino sighs, and stands up.</p><p>“If it is the will of fate, I guess I don’t see why we can’t help.” She shakes her hair out, as she walks over to Sakura and Naruto.</p><p>Chouji convinces them to go get ramen. Naruto and Sakura charge ahead, while Chouji walks in the middle. Shikamaru and Ino hang back. A cigarette hangs from his mouth as she combs her fingers through her hair. They don’t hold hands, but it is very clear that they are together.</p><p>“Sasuke and Hinata left the bar. That explains a lot,” she says. Shikamaru gives her a look.</p><p>“What?” Shikamaru never fully asks Ino a question. They have known each for so long, that she can correctly deduce an entire question from a simple <em>what</em>.</p><p>They are almost at the shop, and Ino can see that Sakura has gotten them a table. She smiles at Shikamaru. “I’ll tell you at home,” she says, picking up her pace. She walks ahead of him, and not to be left behind, he places his hand on the wing of Ino’s hip, pressing his hand into her flesh.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p>Tenten doesn’t know why it surprises her, but Sai is easily her favourite person to kiss. They have been against the wall of the bar for a while—Tenten hasn’t checked the time. This is what she gets for judging <em>those couples</em> at the bar. If they too had this light, floaty buzz in their chests, she completely understands why they simply stand there, making out.</p><p>Her arms are around his neck, and she pulls away on a sigh. His eyes are lidded, and his has a small smile on his lips. Who would have thought he was so good at kissing? She leans back, pressing her hips to him but keeping her shoulders back.</p><p>“You’re good at this,” she says, her hands playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. He smiles, and kisses her forehead. He is much more affectionate than she would have guessed, which she isn’t complaining about. It’s nice, to be treated with tenderness.</p><p>If asked to describe how it feels to kiss Sai, that is the first word she would use. He isn’t aggressive, or overpowering. He takes his time. He holds her close, like he is precious to him. She rests her back against the wall, noticing how he blocks out the crowd, light and noise. He is quite protective, in his way. She isn’t property or conquest; rather, when he kisses her, it feels like he just wants her to feel safe and comfortable.</p><p>Tenten feels a bloom in her chest, and it is not the dex. She leans up and kisses him again, and she feels his hands along the skin at the waistband of her shorts. Sai is a gentleman; he would never put his hand up her shirt in public. She pulls back a little, so they can speak in whispers.</p><p>“Want to go home, Sai?” Tenten’s voice has a sing-song quality that he didn’t think possible. Sai kisses the corner of her mouth.</p><p>“Yes, I would.” Tenten grins, kissing his chin.</p><p>“We should get going.” The bar is still packed, and they are less likely to be noticed if they go now. Sai steps back, and she immediately feels cold without him. She frowns for a moment, before he puts his hand on her arm.</p><p>“Ten?” he asks, “are you alright?” Sai’s look of concern is enough to make her melt into him.</p><p>“I’m just a little cold.” She crosses her arms. He tilts his head, and then places his arms around her shoulders. It is a little awkward at first, but it soon gives way to a flood of warmth in her stomach. As they move through all the people, she puts her arms around his waist in a counter embrace. She presses herself against him.</p><p>She isn’t in love, but she can’t remember the last time she was giddy over a man putting an arm around her. She sees Shino at the bar, and she waves at him. He salutes her, as Sai leads her out into the night.</p><p>Sai turns to look at her, expecting her to take the lead. She releases his waist, and takes his hand. She moves forward, but he stays still. She turns back, and he has a troubled look on his face. Her smile falls, and goes back and wraps her arms around his waist.</p><p>“What’s wrong Sai?” Tenten asks. He puts his arms around her.</p><p>“Are you still cold?” Sai asks. She feels the heat move up her face, realizing that Sai—sweet Sai, baby of their team Sai, boy with the murdered childhood Sai—was worried that she was cold. She puts a hand on either side of his face, kissing him, before pulling away. His arms are still around her, and her insides feel like hot liquid.</p><p>“I’m going to be fine,” she replies, “I live close by.” She kisses him again, and she senses reluctance as he releases her. She isn’t looking for much more than sex, but as she holds his hand the whole way home, she opens her mind to the idea of more.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p>Hinata pushes the door open, and holds it for Sasuke. She slips her feet out of her shoes, and immediately charges to her bedroom. Sasuke takes his own shoes off, and puts both pairs away on the shoe rack. Hinata isn’t a messy person so much as Sasuke is a compulsively neat person. He walks over to the bedroom, where Hinata lies like a starfish, taking up the entire bed. She sighs loudly, and as he takes off his shirt, he knows that she has something on her mind.</p><p>“Sasuke,” she says, “how do you feel about me?” Sasuke pauses, turning his head to look at her. He has always been under the impression that his feelings are self-evident to those around him, and she knows him better than anyone. He thinks about her question again, while he takes his pants off.</p><p>“You don’t know how I feel about you?” Sasuke asks, dumbly. Like a lot of men, because he directly experiences his feelings, he doesn’t spend much time reflecting on them.</p><p>“I can’t read your mind,” she pouts. He goes over to lie down on the bed. He assumes she will move away, but when he lies on her arm, she rolls up, wrapping herself around him. Her shirt is sticky from her sweat, and it sticks to his skin. He puts an arm around her, because while he thinks people are a contemptible genre, he likes having her close to him.</p><p>“Well,” he grins, “I think you’re pretty great, Hinata.”</p><p>“That’s a thought, not a feeling,” she volleys back, and he laughs to himself. She doesn’t miss anything. “It has been six months,” her voice is quiet, “and you don’t know how you feel?” He turns to look at her, and he hates seeing the sad look on her face.</p><p>“I feel sneaky,” he jokes, weakly. Hinata frowns, and turns onto her back, yanking her arm and leg out from under him.</p><p>“Funny,” she replies, her voice frosty. Sasuke makes a sound in the back of his throat.</p><p>“It doesn’t count if it’s prompted,” he says, “but I love you. It’s how I feel. It’s not much.” Sasuke shrugs, and Hinata sits up, looking at him, surprised.</p><p>“You love me?” Hinata asks. Sasuke gives her a look, wondering if he said something wrong.</p><p>“Yes.” He pauses, “do you feel the same?” Hinata’s eyes soften, and she puts a hand on his arm.</p><p>“I do.” She smiles, and she moves over to straddle him. “I love you, Sasuke.” He smiles at her, tracing a circle on her thigh. By the expression on his face, she can tell he is going to tease her.</p><p>“My therapist told me first.” He smirks, “she beat you to the punch. Apparently you love me and you want me to think about things that make me happy.” Hinata pouts.</p><p>“I was supposed to tell you those things.” Sasuke shrugs.</p><p>“It’s enough to know she was right. I think she assumes that you are well-adjusted and can use your words.” He looks up at her, and Hinata shifts her hips against his stomach. She is quiet for a moment, and he taps his fingers against her knees. She doesn’t like thinking about her childhood either.</p><p>“Want to have sex?” Hinata asks. She wouldn’t be Hinata if she didn’t deflect.</p><p>“Why?” Sasuke likes toying with her, and he still isn’t entirely over her calling him a bad lay in front of Ino and Sai.</p><p>“Dex makes me <em>hooorny</em>.” She leans down to kiss his neck. Sasuke feels like teasing her a little bit. He stretches his neck, enjoying the feeling of her lips against his skin.</p><p>“I don’t know,” he sighs, “are you sure you don’t want someone better than fine?” Hinata sighs against his neck, and he feels her breath in his ear.</p><p>“You’re still mad about that?” amusement evident in her voice, “I had to throw Ino off the trail.”</p><p>“At the cost of my self-esteem?” Sasuke shifts her hips down. Hinata sits up, unbuttoning her shorts before pulling her shirt off.</p><p>“Your ego is too sensitive,” she brushes him off, and she moves to lie down next to him. She lifts her hips, unzipping her shorts and underwear, throwing them across the room. She’s naked, so Sasuke refrains from commenting on the mess.</p><p>He pouts, and then rolls away, his back to Hinata. “Well, in that case, I’m going to sleep.” He feels the bed shift, as she sits up beside him.</p><p>“I’m awake!” She whines.</p><p>“That’s why you shouldn’t take stimulants after 4 PM.” He snickers. Silence falls, and she lies back down. She thumps the bed with the back of her heel. He waits for a minute, before rolling onto his back, wide awake. “Did you really think I was going to go to sleep?” Sasuke climbs over her, hovering between her legs. She makes a face, and run a hand through his hair.</p><p>“I don’t know. You seemed pretty over it, but you didn’t brush your teeth.” She shrugs, “it could have gone either way.” He smiles, and kisses her sternum, before he begins to trail down the plane of her stomach. She taps his shoulder, and he looks up.</p><p>“I want to make out.” She smiles, opening her arms to embrace him, “I want to make out while you’re inside me.” Sasuke kisses her stomach again.</p><p>“Don’t you want to get off first?” Sasuke is a lot of things, most of them on the spectrum of terrible to not great, but he is considerate in bed. Hinata shakes her head at him.</p><p>“I am <em>so</em> horny,” she says, “that I don’t care about coming.” She taps her heel against his back, and Sasuke groans.</p><p>“I care,” he replies, quietly. Hinata props herself on her elbows, so his chin sinks into her soft stomach.</p><p>“All I want is to be as close to you as possible,” she puts her hand on his cheek. “It’s enough, for me.” She leans in to kiss him, and Sasuke sighs into her mouth.</p><p>“Don’t say I didn’t try,” he murmurs, moving back up to hover over her. She smiles into his mouth, not replying.</p><p>Hinata has been thinking about this all night, as soon as the dex hit to when she saw him in the bar. He can tell as soon he is in her, and it makes him smile into her mouth. She moves with him, easily. She wraps her legs around him, pulling him in closer. Every so often he goes hard enough to make her moan into his mouth or against his jaw, something he thinks is a lot of fun. “I could make out with you forever.” She mutters into his ear, digging her nails into his shoulder.</p><p>“That would do it?” Sasuke teeters on the edge, and she somehow presses herself even closer to him. They are both sweaty, and that makes her even more excited. She thinks bodily fluids are gross, with the exception of his. He is the only man to have ever been inside her without a condom, and if life goes the way she plans, it will stay that way.</p><p>In other relationships, it felt like the sex and feelings were all neatly demarcated. But Sasuke blurs them all together, so that it feels like sex enhances their emotional bond and vice versa, rather than remaining two separate entities.</p><p>“Yes,” she replies, “that would do it.” He doesn’t know how often she wants him to simply pin her down and fuck her like this, deep and strong and <em>there</em>, right there, <em>don’t stop</em>. She arches her back to meet him half way as he kisses her throat, and she feels herself spring like a trap around him.</p><p>When she looks into his eyes, and sees how much he wants her, she melts down into him. “Come,” she pants, “come inside me, right now.” Hinata doesn’t know what compels her to speak this way to him. It sometimes feels like they are trying to prove who wants the other more. Sasuke narrows his eyes. He nips her chin.</p><p>“Beg.” He replies. He is already inside of her, so her invitation is redundant. She can tell he is on the edge, and she is so close that she decides to indulge him.</p><p>“You have no idea,” she moans, “how badly I want you.” She takes a breath, and she can tell he is waiting for more. “I really, <em>really</em> need <em>you</em> to come inside <em>me</em>.” <em>Never anyone else</em>.</p><p>He thinks about asking for more, but he doesn’t want anything else. All he wants is right here, surrounding him. Her soft voice, the mixed smell of her sweat and soap, her softness. It is all here. One, two, he buries himself in her. Three, his face is pressed into her shoulder, and she kisses his temple. Her hands rub his back, and she says that <em>this will always be enough, this right here is all I want</em>.</p><p>In five minutes, she will get up to pee, wash her hands and then come back in with their tooth brushes. She will pick up her clothes, and hang them up in her closet, while he watches her from their bed. He will get up to spit first, and as he rinses his mouth, she will come into the bathroom and put her palm against his back, letting him know that she is there and needs to rinse as well.</p><p>They will go to bed, and he will wake up to her crusty eyes and sleepy voice and he will still think, as he does now, with her wrapped around him, that this is all he has ever wanted.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Tenten doesn’t know what she expects from Sai walking her home, but she never thought it would take her ten minutes to get them through the door, just because they were making out against it. Her arms are around his neck, and his hands are up the back of her shirt. “Sai,” she mutters, “we should go inside. I don’t want anyone to see us.” He considers telling her that, as far as he is concerned, everyone could watch if it meant that neither had to move.</p><p>Instead, he lets her go, and kisses her shoulder when she turns her back to unlock the door. It tickles, making her shiver. When she gets the door open, she welcomes him in, slipping off her shoes. She turns to him, silhouetted by the blue night and her blank walls. Sai walks into the apartment after taking off his shoes, looking around.</p><p>“This place is empty, Ten.” He doesn’t know what he was expecting, but he didn’t think she would only have a queen mattress and a dresser to her name. There is a lamp on the ground her bed, and she own a coffee maker. A few books are stacked by the bed, as well as a pile of oranges on the counter.</p><p>She shrugs, going to open a window. There is a nice breeze, and she likes sleeping in a cool apartment. Sai walks into the big room, staring at her back. He pads up behind her, and puts his chin on her head, looking out at the night from behind her. She leans back against him.</p><p>“You’re like a cat,” she says, her voice warm with affection.</p><p>“How so?” he doesn’t move his chin from the crown of her head. She presses her head up, liking how the pressure feels.</p><p>“Getting my attention by hovering.” Tenten steps out from under his chin, turning around to put her hands around his waist. She kisses his throat, and he sighs. She pushes him back toward the bed.</p><p>“You’re kissing my neck,” he says, putting his hands up the back of her shirt. She is warm, and apricot soft.</p><p>“It’s closer than your mouth.” She mutters, leaning up to kiss his chin. He makes a hum in his throat, and finally decides to take her shirt off. The fabric is so flimsy that is glides to the ground. Sai takes his own shirt off, and it lands a few feet from hers.</p><p>This time, she kisses his mouth, and he pulls her down with him onto the bed. She hovers over him, and she is about to kiss him when he groans, as if he were in pain.</p><p>“Sai?” Tenten sits up, as he puts his hand under his back.</p><p>“I landed on something,” not looking up, he searches for the mystery object. Tenten tilts her head, confused, and then horrified, and then embarrassed as he pulls her pink vibrator out from under him. She covers her face, while Sai looks at the object in his hand. Curious, he presses the button and it starts rumbling.</p><p>He knows what it is; he’s not an idiot. It isn’t threatening. He actually thinks it’s kind of cute. He wouldn’t have pegged Tenten for a pink girl, but he doesn’t know her as well as he would like too. He has a feeling that after tonight, he will learn all sorts of things about her. He smiles at the thought.</p><p>Meanwhile, Tenten thinks her heart may have stopped. She goes to pull it from Sai’s hand, but he holds it over his head and away from her. “<em>Sai</em>,” she whines. His hand presses over her diaphragm, keeping her from snatching it out of his hand. It is still buzzing.</p><p>“To be or not to be,” he says, “that is the question.” She glares at him, but Sai laughs.</p><p>“This isn’t funny, Sai.” She puts her hands on her hips, really trying to stay mad. He looks up and turns the vibrator off, bringing it back into her reach.</p><p>“It’s pretty funny.” He smiles, “will you need it?” Tenten gawks at him.</p><p>“Need it?” Tenten chokes out. He tilts his head, confused.</p><p>“Well, some girls find it easier to come with one. I’m not threatened, if you need a vibrator.” Sai sits up, holding it out to her. “I have robotic tendencies, so it’s more of an extension of who I am.” It rests on his flat palm.</p><p>Tenten, topless and sitting on Sai, takes stock of the moment. Sai—a great kisser, concerned about her safety and comfort, who hovers like a cat—also isn’t threatened by the idea of using a vibrator, that he literally fell on top of, to get her to come. Sai looks at her expectantly, and she takes the vibrator out of his hand.</p><p>“I don’t know who called you that,” she says, “but you definitely aren’t a robot.” He shrugs.</p><p>“I have my moments.” He hums. Overcome with a wave of tenderness, she kisses him. He puts his hands on her waist, and for a few moments, she forgets that she is holding a vibrator in her hand.</p><p>“I won’t need it.” The way he kisses her makes her confident. He bites his lip, unsure.</p><p>“You sure?” Sai asks.</p><p>“Totally.” She tosses it over her shoulder. She smiles, until she hears the buzzing start back up. It must have fallen on a button.</p><p>Sai doesn’t know what’s funnier; the fact that the vibrator turned back on, or the way her face fell when it did. She climbs off of him, and he lies back, laughing. “It seems like your vibrator wants to be included.” She groans in response. He sits up on his elbows, watching her turning it off.</p><p>Tenten is beautiful, even when hunched over and embarrassed. The blue light catches the little hairs all over her body, softening her lean silhouette. From the way her back dips down into her spine, he can now see the muscles he knew were there the way she moves. He knew that she was fit, having to keep up with the three of them, but there is a difference between knowing and seeing something.</p><p>He sits up, resting his elbows on his knees. “Leave it by the bed.” He says softly, as she looks up at him. Her lips are swollen, and her gaze is soft. She stands up, and places the vibrator down by her bed. She moves to stand before him. Sai looks up at her, before unbuttoning her shorts and pulling them down her legs. He then pulls her underwear down. She steps out and kicks the clothing away.</p><p>Looking into his eyes, she undoes one hair bun, and then another. Each falls in a spiral down the side of her head, and she shakes her hair out. With her hair out, he now feels like he is seeing Tenten properly naked. She sits beside Sai on the bed, and he kisses her as soon as she is beside him. He hovers over her, and she kisses his lower lip as she helps him unzip his pants and wiggle out of them.</p><p>It feels like all her blood is rushing both to her head and to her belly. She completely exposes herself to him, body bare, with her mouth and legs open. His hand runs down the snake of her side, along the ridge of her hip to between her thighs. She moans into his mouth, and pushes herself onto his fingers. It makes Sai smile, to know that she wants him as much as he wants her.</p><p>Kissing down her neck, he wonders if she has watched him for as long as he has her. He doesn’t think so, but he has been wrong before. He shakes the thought from his head, sliding down to her core. When she feels his mouth against her, it feels as if something clicks into place. In what feels like no time, she arches her back, pushing herself against his mouth.</p><p>One of his hands is on her stomach, the palm pressed flat to her. It makes her feel grounded, as if he is personally making sure that she won’t float away. She closes her eyes, and lets herself simply feel him. Can one being share two bodies?Because she has never felt this rush before, and the only explanation she can think of, is that Sai must be a long lost part of her. Being with him is like coming home, not having known you were gone.</p><p>She bites down on her lip, mindful of her neighbours, until he does this thing with his tongue that makes her body curl and her throw her head back. She pants, looking down at Sai. He wipes his mouth with his wrist, and when they make eye contact, she goes to him.</p><p>When they kiss, she realizes how disappointed she will feel if he doesn’t feel the same way as she does. He hasn’t even been inside of her, and she already feels empty without him. He crawls back over her, and when he lies on her, she sighs, feeling secure the closer he is. <em>Don’t ever go away</em>, she wants to say, <em>stay clos</em>e. She kisses him, as his hand runs along the back of her thigh, a gesture of comfort. It sends a shiver up her thigh along her hip through to her spine. Sighing into his mouth she goes to guide him in.</p><p>“Condom?” Sai can’t even say the whole word. He just murmurs it into her jaw.</p><p>“I don’t have one,” she mutters, “I’m clean and on the pill. You?” Tenten realizes they should probably have had this conversation with clothes on. There is the possibility that he could lie to her. The lust clears from his eyes, and he blinks. “Yes, I’m clean too.” She nods, and he kisses her chin. He sucks in his breath and hisses when they come together.</p><p>Sai tries not to think about how reckless he is being. Rationally, he knows she could be lying, and that the safest thing to do would be to wait. However, in the core of his being, he knows she would never lie to him. It is a real dilemma, because they aren’t normal people. They are supposed to be better than having unprotected sex after a few drinks and a little bit of Dexedrine.</p><p>He remembers the story of Mars and Venus: the goddess of love seducing the god of war means that love is the stronger force, in the sense that it can cause war and destruction. Love doesn’t beat war; rather, war can be made into a tool. War, no matter how hard it may try, cannot turn love into a weapon. Thus, the seduction of Mars by Venus. The Romans were right—love can destroy as much as it can create.</p><p>Sai kisses her, trying not to think about how Tenten is the first woman to make him think about the kind of love that makes you ruin your life on the first stroke. He doesn’t think she wants to cause him any pain or ruin, but history is full of people who unintentionally ruined each other’s lives.</p><p>He looks into her open, wide awake eyes. Warm, and loving and calling him home. Can another person be a home? Because if he could, he would never leave. She gasps his name, and he can tell that she is as close as he is. He plants a kiss on her sternum, and between the thumping and floating and the sense of coming home, he drives himself inside her one last time. He collapses on to her, and she kisses his ear. “Sai?” Tenten asks.</p><p>“Yes?” He picks himself up, and he closes his eyes when he withdraws. She yips, and he grimaces. “Sorry,” he apologizes, rolling over onto his back. “You had a question?” Tenten stays on her back, trying to catch her breath.</p><p>“Do you feel like a whole person?” her voice is small. Sai breathes in deep, thinking about how he ought to respond. He could lie, and say yes. But they have discovered that they are one. He won’t lie to her.</p><p>“I usually do.” He sighs, “but not right now.” They lie in silence, looking up at the big crack in her ceiling.</p><p>“I should have pulled out.” He rubs a hand over his eyes, exhausted. Tenten is silent for a moment, and he assumes it is because she is too polite to agree. She sits up beside him, and swings her legs off the bed. She pauses, and then turns to look him in the eye.</p><p>“Is it bad that I’m glad you didn’t?” Tenten asks. The question itself, is hilarious. But the vulnerable look in her eyes, which connects with a part of himself that he never knew existed, is serious.</p><p>“No,” he replies, “it’s not bad at all.”</p><p>She gets up to use the washroom, and Sai tries to forget the part of him that is falling in love with her.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Smut is gonna happen on a regular basis now. The high of dexedrine is overstated (i.e. it is not orgasmic, lol). </p><p>Referenced Material</p><p>Hamlet, Shakespeare </p><p>“Paradise City” Guns ‘N’ Roses</p><p>“Novacane” Frank Ocean</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. A Murdered Weekend</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A shitty work week, a bet and a messy choice.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“Laughing ‘til our ribs get tough/ but that will never be enough”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lorde, “Ribs”</em>
</p><p><em>Today is a new day</em>. Tenten walks around the village, sipping on an iced coffee. She takes it with milk and cinnamon. No sugar. One of the reasons she resists buying furniture is that she likes having excuses to go outside. It has been rainy this week, a relief from the heat. It only cleared this morning.</p><p>The team got another weekend off. It’s rare that they get two weekends off in a row, but no one argued with Kakashi. He rode them hard, and it was about time that he showed some appreciation. She sips on her coffee, sucking it up a red straw. Due to the weather, they didn’t do their ritual, but Lee, Sakura, Ino and Hinata had come over the night before. They all got ripped on speed and had danced for hours before she kicked them all out. If asked, and she would never admit it, getting Ino high and sending her home to Shikamaru was quasi-retaliation for all the work he made them do this week.</p><p>When they had walked into her apartment, Ino whistled and said that Tenten lived like a serial killer. Sakura added that even Sasuke has a more hospitable place. Ino had then asked Hinata what she thought, about how Sasuke lives. Hinata had shrugged, replying that it was none of her business. It was a weird exchange, and Tenten felt like she was missing something, but she didn’t think much about it.</p><p>The first line went down with a zing. The second built on the momentum, and the third rips the world apart. Everyone, even Hinata, gets giddy. It is still a very functional, and minimal high, but it is enough to put them all at ease. Besides, there is more.</p><p>Ino decided to ask Tenten about Sai, and she was so high that she admitted to sleeping with him. Ino had squealed, and Sakura had covered her ears, insisting that she didn’t need to know the details. Lee started ranting about young love, and Hinata had smiled. When Tenten had told them she didn’t plan on doing it again, Ino leapt on her, telling her that <em>no</em>, Tenten was going to call Sai <em>right now</em> because nice boys like him get snapped up <em>like this</em>. Sakura and Lee had decided to start dancing, and were scream shouting: <em>all night, I been drinking all night/ I been drinking all night, I been drinking ay ay/ all night I been drinking all night/ I been drinking all night, I been drinking hey.</em> Fuck, Lee and Sakura are somehow both sharp and flat. Tenten doesn’t hate this song, but it is too much. It was thumping in her head, with the memory of Sai fingering her and Ino’s shrill voice in the background, screaming <em>he’s nice boy</em>! There comes a point where a drug isn’t fun anymore. For the first time, dex let Tenten down.</p><p>Her brain was in the middle of scrambling when Hinata had intervened, and reminded Ino it was midnight, he was probably asleep. Besides, he probably doesn’t want to deal with five people ripped on speed. In the confusion, Tenten reminded herself that she, under no circumstances, could tell them that she had actually told Sai that she was glad he didn’t pull out. Tenten has no idea how she had been able to look him in the eye this whole week at work.</p><p>Sai is, indeed, a nice boy. He had asked her to call him, and she never did. It isn’t that she isn’t interested. It’s that she doesn’t know what will come of it, and Tenten instinctively resists taking risks. But things were charged at work. He didn’t do a good job of hiding the fact that he had seen her naked. She knew Neji and Sasuke knew something was up, but neither asked.</p><p>Why didn’t she call Sai? It hadn’t slipped her mind. It was actually at the forefront, invading her thoughts at the worst times. You don’t forget when someone makes you feel like you aren’t a whole person. It made her stomach clench whenever she thought about it. <em>What a stupid question</em>. She doesn’t like to think about the way he answered. It obsesses her, because he felt the same. What grosses her out isn’t the vulnerability, the intimacy, or the fact that she didn’t want him to ever pull out. It was the <em>honesty</em> that followed. Sai compels her to speak truthfully, when deception is a ninja’s greatest weapon. He split her in two, and she doesn’t really know who she is anymore.</p><p>She sucks on her red straw, and nearly chokes when she sees Sai, sitting on the rail of a bridge, reading a book. He is concentrating, she can tell because he is biting his tongue. The pink tip pokes out from between his lips, and she blushes. <em>Get a hold of yourself</em>, she thinks, <em>that tongue has been in your mouth</em>. This thought does not help.</p><p>For his part, Sai has more or less accepted her rejection. He asked her to call him, and she chose not to. It wasn’t what he wanted, but he has learned that you have to judge someone by their actions. The problem is that he has never had someone say that sex with him made them feel less whole, and for them to act like nothing happened after. He would ask Sakura, but she would tell Naruto, who would tell Sasuke. The last thing Sai wants is for people to know that Tenten didn’t want him to pull out and then ignored him.</p><p>It makes him feel mixed up. Sai can accept rejection, but that doesn’t mean that he knows how to move forward. He can’t stop thinking about her, but he doesn’t want her to know. This leads him to thinking, <em>how can she not know</em>? And he is back to the beginning: <em>how can she not feel the same, or at least want to do it again to see if it was a fluke</em>? He shakes his head, and concentrates on his book.</p><p>He jumps when he feels a hand on his thigh. When he puts his book down to see Tenten, straw in her mouth and smile on her face, he immediately squirms.</p><p>“What are you doing?” Tenten asks, and he has to stop himself from admitting that he was thinking about her. He holds up his book, one of those romance novels Kakashi reads all the time.</p><p>“The bookstore had nothing else.” He doesn’t miss the blush that spreads across her face, or that she starts chewing the inside of her cheek.</p><p>“I don’t believe you.” She says. Her hand hasn’t move from his thigh. He tilts his head.</p><p>“You should,” he says, “this is the most tasteful cover I could find.” It is a plain purple, with a single stiletto on the front. She smiles.</p><p>“You choose books by the cover?” Tenten looks up at him. He shrugs, and she looks away, towards the river. “Do you like romance novels?” she asks, not looking at him. She moves her hand from his thigh, and he feels colder.</p><p>“There are some good ones.” His answer is noncommittal on purpose.</p><p>“Well, what stories do you like?” Tenten’s voice is a lilt, coming out hard before tapering to a softer tone.</p><p>“I like the ones where everything is neat.” He pauses. “I don’t like messes.” <em>Like the one you would pull me into</em>. She gives him a strange look.</p><p>“Most relationships are messy, Sai.” He watches her lips move as she puts the straw back in her mouth. Her cheeks move in as she sucks up some coffee.</p><p>“What does that mean?” Sai asks, looking up at her eyes. The eyes that called him home.</p><p>“It means that there is never a right time for a relationship,” she says, “they just happen of their own accord, with their own logic.”</p><p>“Logic?”</p><p>“You know, how it works.” Tenten sighs, “relationships have two sets of logic. The first is what people see on the outside, the second is what happens on the inside, that only the people within the relationship can see.” She sips her drink, “what I’m saying is that relationships are only ever <em>neat</em> in a romance novel.” She looks out into space for a bit, before she looks right into Sai’s eyes. He isn’t prepared for it.</p><p>“Can I ask a question?” her lips twitch; she looks vulnerable. He nods at her, wondering how he could be making her nervous.</p><p>“Were you thinking of one of those when we…” her voice trails off and she blushes. Sai’s eyes widen, and he puts his hand on her arm.</p><p>“Absolutely not,” he replies. “They didn’t even cross my mind.” They are looking into each other’s eyes for too long, so she decides to crack a joke.</p><p>“Should I be offended?” her smirk is half-hearted, and it falls into smile. He can see her tips of her front teeth, and he can only think about how he would like to see them all.</p><p>“No, it is definitely a compliment that they weren’t on my mind.” He leans forward, and she is staring at his mouth. She bites her lower lip, and pulls away before she is ensnared. He blinks at her, catching himself.</p><p>“I’ve got to get going,” she says, “I’ll see you at work on Monday.” She steps back before moving forward, and she waves as she passes by.</p><p>It is most definitely not a good sign that she really, really wanted to lean in and show him how much she has thought about him</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Generally speaking, Sai is not a petty person. It is beneath him. This is why he has been trying to not take Tenten’s rejection personally. It isn’t easy, but it is the right thing to do. As he walks to the grocery store, he reminds himself that she isn’t the only girl in the world, and that a relationship with her would be inevitably messy, and he doesn’t do messy, or chaotic, or searing. He likes his relationships to be grounded.</p><p>Yes, Sai is determined to keep his two feet firmly on the ground. As he walks to the grocery store, he tries not to think about the red straw or the way she looks painted in blue. He remembers thinking that he was falling in love with her. It was for the best that he had decided to repress it. He likes his relationships to be neat and tidy. Clean, safe and predictable. Say what you want about Ino, but for all her dramatics it was always easy to anticipate her actions. Tenten is steady, but her motives are beyond his comprehension.</p><p>Okay, so before he stops thinking about this, Sai would like to acknowledge that he has never connected with someone the way he has with Tenten. Now that he has admitted it, he hopes he can move on.</p><p>Sai walks into the grocery store, pulling his list out of his pocket.<em> Eggs, tofu, milk, rice, oranges, apricots that are as soft as Ten</em>…he pulls a face. It’s reasons like this that he should stay away from Tenten. She isn’t something to be consumed. She is a person. It is perverse that he wants to use her flesh as some sort of standard for choosing produce. A part of him wonders if maybe, this is what it means to really, really, <em>really </em>like-like somebody. Sakura would try to explain her crushes to him, and he never quite got it. But now, he begins to think that he does.</p><p>Shaking his head, he walks over to the produce section. A flash of pink and orange catch his eye, and he looks up to see Sakura and Naruto, grinning, walking up to him. Skulking behind them, Sasuke has his hands in his pockets. He is frowning, and has been since their breakfast this morning.</p><p>“Hello,” Sai says, “funny that we’re all here at once.” This town is actually quite small. This happens regularly. But Naruto and Sakura laugh, because they are good people. Sasuke smirks.</p><p>“Well,” Sakura puts her hands behind her back, a sign that she is trying to be sly, “we were wondering what your favourite kind of foods are.” She smiles.</p><p>“Yes!” Naruto says, “we realized we didn’t kno—“</p><p>“They want to make plans for your birthday next Saturday.” Sasuke interjects, over this farce. Sakura turns and glares at him, while Naruto crosses his arms and grumbles.</p><p>“Oh.” It is the only response he can muster. Sai enjoys celebrating the birthdays of those he loves, but he is unattached to his own. Sakura refers to him as the baby on their team, even though he had the most warped childhood, a true accomplishment considering everything Naruto and Sasuke had lived through.</p><p>“We need to start planning!” Sakura quickly recovers her excitement. Naruto nods, and the two of them start listing off possibilities. Cakes, ramen, beer, sparkling wine—they know he doesn’t indulge himself, but what would he most like to eat on this one, special day that is all about him? Sasuke can tell that Sai is uncomfortable, but they both learned long ago that it is better to allow Naruto and Sakura to lose focus rather than try and stop them once they get going.</p><p>It is when Sakura starts asking about flavours of cake, that Sai decides to state his wishes plainly. “I don’t want a party.” Sai thinks about adding to this statement, but he decides that it would be best to simply allow Sakura and Naruto to respond. They both freeze, mouths hanging open and total surprise on their faces.</p><p>“Why don’t you want a party Sai?” Naruto asks, “you only turn twenty-five once!” Sakura nods.</p><p>“C’mon Sai, we don’t spend a lot of time together anymore.” Sakura clasps her hands together, like she is preparing to beg. Sai keeps his face neutral. It is clear to him that this more of a Naruto and Sakura bonding thing than it is a party for Sai. He looks to Sasuke, who only shrugs.</p><p>“We will probably be on a mission,” Sai looks back at the apricots before him. What he would give to be back on the bridge, looking at Tenten drinking coffee with a straw.</p><p>“We will just get Kakashi to give you some time off!” Naruto says without thinking. Sasuke simply laughs, while Sakura turns and pins him with a glare.</p><p>“Naruto!” Sakura growls, “Kakashi is the Hokage now! You can’t just go to his office and <em>ask</em> for him to give Sai time off.”</p><p>“I was going to ask for Sasuke too,” Naruto says, oblivious to Sakura’s statement. She frowns, and begins to really lay into Naruto. Somehow, Naruto’s own unavailability to spend time with Sakura becomes the focus of her anger. Sai looks to Sasuke, who closes his eyes and exhales. They both wish that she would be less of an asshole to Naruto. They don’t care how she does it. She just needs to stop laying into him for no reason.</p><p>“Leave Naruto alone,” Sasuke says. “Look, Kakashi won’t give us another weekend off, and Sai doesn’t want a party. There is no point in fighting.” Sasuke crosses his arms. Sakura glares at him, before turning her attention back to Sai.</p><p>“If you don’t want a party, what would you like then?” Sakura’s expression is sincere, and Sai tries to come up with something quickly. Nothing comes up, and he begins to panic internally, when a man wearing a mask appears. He holds a scroll out to Sai, grateful for the intrusion.</p><p>Sai nods his head at Falcon, who disappears in a swirl of leaves. He opens the scroll, and then tosses it to Sasuke.</p><p>“I knew two weekends off in a row was too good to be true.” Sasuke says, tucking the scroll into his pocket. “We better get going.” Sai nods, glad that he hadn’t yet picked up any the food on his list. Sakura and Naruto tell them to be safe, and like that, Sai and Sasuke are off.</p><p>“I guess I don’t need eggs.” Sai and Sasuke decide to walk to Hokage Tower. Neither is particularly thrilled to be called into work on a Saturday. Sasuke’s hands are in his pockets, and Sai can tell that he has something he wants to say.</p><p>“I don’t like with the two of them act like we are all normal.” He says, not looking at Sai.</p><p>“I think it is sweet.” Sai pauses, “misguided, but sweet.” Sasuke turns to him, raising an eyebrow.</p><p>“Sakura isn’t our mom, Sai.” Sasuke states, “She tries to be, but she isn’t.” Sasuke pouts, looking away. Sai doesn’t really understand why Sasuke resists the kindness of others.</p><p>“She just doesn’t want us to be alone.” Sai replies.</p><p>“I think it is kind of toxic to think that someone is broken because they want to be alone.” Sasuke bites his lip. Sai knows that while Sasuke loves Sakura and Naruto with a loyalty beyond words, his love doesn’t involve public declarations of affection, birthday parties and constant attention. Sasuke just doesn’t know how to accept that other people care for him. Sai doesn’t really like Sasuke, but he does not want his teammate to end up alone due to his own hubris.</p><p>“You would prefer solitude?” Sai asks. Sasuke sucks in a breath.</p><p>“I would like to be allowed to live my life.” Sasuke’s reply is quiet, and Sai can tell that the conversation is over.</p><p>Sai nods, and they continue on to Hokage tower.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p>When she received the scroll, Tenten had been visiting Ino at the flower shop. One moment, Ino was telling her that Hinata’s secret boyfriend. The next, Dog was standing behind her, holding a scroll. Tenten sighed and left the store, throwing her half-finished iced coffee in a trash can. The red straw jumped up, and she allowed herself to briefly mourn her murdered weekend.</p><p>When she gets to the tower, to she walks through the lounge and into the locker room. In twenty minutes, she is dressed and ready to go. She walks into the lounge, and her team is waiting for her. Neji’s hair is in a ponytail, so she lets down her hair and puts it up in one too. Sai’s eyes are immediately on her. She smiles at him, ignoring Sasuke rolling his eyes and Neji’s crossed arms.</p><p>“Glad you could join us,” Neji deadpans. She sighs.</p><p>“I was with Ino.” Tenten replies. Sasuke laughs.</p><p>“She never shuts up, does she?” he tosses his mask up into the air and catches it.</p><p>“It doesn’t matter.” Neji replies, “we need to go.” Tenten nods at Neji, but her and Sai keep looking at each other. Neji considers saying something to one of them. But they are both adults. If they can’t make the parts fit for themselves, it is a lost cause. Neji hasn’t asked Tenten about last weekend, but he knows something happened. He has his own assumptions, but it would be best to allow her to tell him on her own time</p><p>Tenten puts her mask on first, becoming Eagle. Neji puts on his own, becoming Wolf. Sasuke is Snake, and Sai is Monkey. They leave the lounge and walk down the hall, into Kakashi’s office. Neji stands in front the desk. Tenten is between Sasuke and Sai, a few feet behind Neji.</p><p>Shikamaru stands by the desk, arms crossed, while Kakashi lazily looks up from his paperwork. Tenten always gets the impression that he is profoundly bored by his job. She doesn’t blame him. Being the Hokage is nothing but drudgery and paperwork, until you die or retire. Which will Kakashi choose? Tenten thinks the latter. He probably has a stack smut he wants to get around to reading.</p><p>“I hate to call you all in on your day off, but then, is there a higher calling than serving your village?” Kakashi drawls. She can hear Sasuke grit his teeth, and she can tell that he is restraining himself from crossing his arms. She tries not to sigh. Tenten does not feel like dealing with Sasuke’s mood. Sai stands still, and she feels herself lean towards him.</p><p>“The mission?” Neji asks. He always cuts straight to the point. He hasn’t said this, but Tenten suspects that Neji doesn’t care for the way Kakashi speaks to them. He speaks to them like he knows who they are, instead of anonymous operatives. It rankles his sense of restraint and professionalism.</p><p>“There has been an incident at the border. Reports of missing nin causing problems.” It is still difficult to discern whether or not Kakashi cares, but the job has visibly aged him. He has wrinkles around his eyes that weren’t there a few years ago. “It should be relatively easy for the four of you to take care of.” Shikamaru snorts, and Tenten has the nasty feeling that something is being withheld from them. She sees Neji stiffen, and she can tell that he is having the same thought.</p><p>“Why,” he asks, “<em>relatively</em> easy?”</p><p>“Oh, it won’t be easy,” Kakashi replies, “but you are the squad to send out there. Shikamaru would you like to speak?” Shikamaru nods, and they all turn their attention to him.</p><p>“There are reports of eight missing nin causing trouble along our western border. At least one is from the Leaf Village. We aren’t sure what they are doing, but they are causing unrest in the region.” Shikamaru walks over and hands a scroll to Neji. “The four of you need to secure the nin and bring at least one back in for interrogation.”</p><p>“Only one?” Neji asks. Shikamaru smirks.</p><p>“One is all we’ll need.” The subtext: eliminate as you see fit. Tenten hates these conversations. It isn’t personal, so it can’t be called murder. But she doesn’t like going into a mission knowing that they are being sent out to kill, like a pack of hounds or a gang of wolves. She knows her teammates don’t enjoy it either. It may actually bother them more. But they were raised to be weapons, so no one expects them to have any objections. That’s why they were the squad to send out there. Three killers and their handler.</p><p>“Once this is over, you can get back to your lives,” Kakashi smiles. Tenten frowns, not believing him. The trip to the border will take several days, not factoring in the mission itself. She sighs, and thinks about how she can still taste the coffee and cinnamon in the back corners of her mouth.</p><p>Without another word, they all set off.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>They are leaping through the trees, no one speaking about their mission. By the tendon in Neji’s neck, she can tell that his jaw is sitting tight on his face. Sasuke and Sai are both silent. She resigns herself to silence when Neji clears his throat.</p><p>“How was everyone’s weekend?” he asks.</p><p>“Is it a weekend if you only get to enjoy the first eighteen hours?” Sasuke drawls. Tenten, fighting her comedown, considers popping a dex to stay awake. Between that, her interrupted time at the flower shop and having to throw out her iced coffee, Tenten is in her own mood.</p><p>“Do you think any of us have personal lives?” she pouts. She hears Sasuke snicker, and the tendon in Neji’s neck recedes. She can tell that her own sour mood makes them both feel better.</p><p>“What,” Sasuke bounds up beside her, “you don’t have a secret boyfriend you’re hiding from us?” Tenten gives Sasuke the middle finger. Neji barks out a laugh, shaking out his head.</p><p>Sai stays silent. He feels his gut clench, the way it did when she caught him reading a romance novel earlier that morning.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Back in Konoha, Tenten and Sasuke sit beside each other on a hospital bed. Her arms are sore and Sasuke holds a pack of ice to his head, wincing. Neji is pacing in front of them, arms crossed and eyes narrowed. In the hospital, Tenten never fails to think about how ugly institutional buildings are. Tile, brick and cement. All easy to wipe down.</p><p>Across the room, Sai lies down on a bed as Sakura examines his shoulder. There is a nasty wound, and Sai winces as she pokes at it.</p><p>The mission was an unmitigated shit show. It had taken days to get to the border, when they had gotten there, they discovered eight missing nin, terrorizing a village. They were forced into open combat, which wasn’t the worst thing for their team. Sai, Sasuke and Neji were weapons, and Tenten was their protector.</p><p>Things took a turn when one of the nin recognized Sasuke. She could tell by the look on his face, before he managed to croak out “Sa—.” The nin was interrupted by the kunai she put through his throat. In protecting Sasuke’s identity, the whole mission had gone to shit. When they were done, six were dead and two detained for questioning. Upon returning to the village, one of the nin got loose and hit Sasuke on the head and managed to rip into Sai’s shoulder before she could be detained.</p><p>As she sat there contemplating her life, Tenten looked up to see Kakashi waltz in to their hospital room. He looks as laid back as ever, and she supposes it isn’t so strange that he would want to see how Sai and Sasuke were faring. Sasuke and Neji are both scowling. Sai maintains a cheerful indifference, when Sakura isn’t prodding his wound. Tenten knows that she looks like she just wants to die.</p><p>Kakashi stands in the middle of the room, looking at the four of them. “Look at it this way,” he says, “you brought more than one back here.” Tenten blinks. She had forgotten their actual objective on day four.</p><p>The four of them remain silent, all looking at Kakashi. He clears his throat. “You are all to report to Hokage Tower tomorrow. You are going to sit down with Shikamaru, and give a verbal report.” Kakashi puts his hands in his pockets. “Your meeting is at 2 PM. I suggest taking a shower before you turn up.” He disappears in a swirl of leaves, and Sasuke mutters “asshole” under his breath. Tenten is glad that Sasuke restrained himself from mouthing off until after Kakashi was gone.</p><p>“If he was an asshole,” Sakura says, brows wrinkled as her hands begin to glow over Sai’s shoulder, “he wouldn’t have come to check on you four.” She doesn’t look up.</p><p>“He didn’t have to send the murder squad,” Sasuke grunts. “You know that’s what we are, right Sakura?” he asks. Tenten rubs the bridge of her nose as Sakura casts a menacing look their way.</p><p>“You shouldn’t speak about your team that way,” Sakura replies. Sasuke grumbles beside Tenten.</p><p>Neji has returned to pacing. He is a hard ass and a perfectionist, but he takes any injury to a team member as if it were a personal affront.</p><p>“Neji,” Tenten says, “you need to stop pacing.” She puts her leg out to stop him. He glares at her, but she doesn’t back down. “The mission was tough. The nin were detained. Sasuke and Sai are okay. We brought more than one back.” He still glares at her. “Don’t look at me like that!”</p><p>“How am I looking at you?” Neji retorts.</p><p>“Like I’m an idiot!” She leans forward, jostling Sasuke, who winces. “You are such an asshole when you’re worried about us. Just tell us you’re really glad that we’re okay and find a different way to process your feelings.” Tenten crosses her arms, “all your pacing is giving me anxiety.” There is no wall for her to lean against, but she does lean back further than Sasuke. Neji opens his mouth, considering replying, but he closes it, choosing restraint. He does sit down on the chair, although he still pouts.</p><p>“You really are a handler,” Sakura says, and Tenten shrugs. Someone has to keep an eye on these three. If trauma freezes you at the age at which is occurs, Neji is four, Sasuke is seven and Sai is eight. It’s like working with children. Three big, emotionally stunted children who have extraordinary abilities and cultivated sociopathic streaks. She keeps them in check and protects them while they do their jobs. </p><p>Neji doesn’t appreciate being spoken about as if he weren’t there, but he can’t disagree with Sakura. Tenten is very good at keeping them focused. “We should go get a drink.” He says, “as a team.” They all swivel their heads to look at him.</p><p>“Sounds more like an order than an invitation.” Sasuke replies.</p><p>“You don’t have a choice.” Neji deadpans. Tenten turns to look at Sai, concerned.</p><p>“Sai, will you be alright to leave?” Tenten’s worry is evident, and Sai gives her a soft look before Sakura answers for him.</p><p>“Yes, he can leave when I’m done.” Tenten smiles at Sai, before Sasuke poisons their moment.</p><p>“What about me?” Sasuke grouses, “I have a head trauma.” Tenten pins him with a viperous look.</p><p>“You make everything about you.” She retorts, and he is about to reply when the door opens.</p><p>Hinata bursts in, a scared look on her face. Like she is searching for something that she fears could be lost. She didn’t even knock on the door. She simply stepped in.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Hinata doesn’t address her question to anyone in particular. As Neji begins to respond to her question, Tenten watches Hinata look right at Sasuke. Tenten turns, and sees that their eyes have locked. Hinata visibly relaxes, and her moon eyes soften. Sasuke doesn’t smile, but the corner of his mouth lifts, and he nods at Hinata. It’s an <em>I’m okay despite the icepack</em> nod.</p><p>“Hinata,” Neji, finished listing his immediate complaints, asks, “want to go on a walk with me?” Hinata jumps, and turns around. She nods, turning pink. He gives her a strange look, but Neji gets up and tells them when and where they are going to meet. Tenten nods, and it is not lost on her that before leaving, Hinata looks back to Sasuke.</p><p>With Hinata’s departure, Sasuke’s mood becomes surlier. <em>No doubt about it</em>, Tenten thinks to herself. He takes the ice pack off his head and drops it onto the table between the two beds.</p><p>“Well, I don’t know about you, but I need to go feel like a human being before we go drinking,” he stretches upward. Tenten can tell that he is irritated that Neji took Hinata away with him.</p><p>“Want to go get something to eat?” Tenten asks. Sasuke nods, not looking at her. She stands up, and as Sasuke heads out the door, she touches Sai’s wrist. “I’ll see you at the bar, right?” Sai looks at her hand, and nods.</p><p>“I’ll be there.” He smiles at her, and before she can say anything else, Sasuke has slammed the door in a fit of pique. “Sorry,” she mutters, before going after Sasuke.</p><p>Sai watches her leave, and his fists clench. Sakura clears her throat. “It’s not like that, between her and Sasuke.” She doesn’t look at Sai, or stop what she is doing. His jaw ticks.</p><p>“I have no idea what you mean.” Sai’s lie is instinctual.</p><p>“I think you do,” Sakura replies. Moving her hand over his shoulder, stitching the muscle and sinew back together, she wonders who will tell the truth first: Sai or Sasuke?</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>They have never been to a bar as team before. The four of them sit at a table, each with a beer in front of them. Neji and Tenten sit beside each other, while Sasuke is across from her. Sai got there last, and ended up across from Neji.</p><p>They all wear long sleeves, hiding their tattoos. The weather has cooled down, and it would be weird to see her in a camisole. Sai thinks it is a shame, because Tenten has nice arms. He has this thought in the most clinical way that he can. In trying to avoid staring at her, Sai looks down at his drink. Tenten looks over at him, worried that he isn’t looking up.</p><p>Neji and Sasuke, bored with the impasse that Sai and Tenten seemed to have reached, give each other a sullen look. They haven’t said anything to each other, and have barely touched their drinks. Neji rubs his forehead, frowning.</p><p>“I can’t believe it went that way.” Neji puts his hand down, and he glowers off into space. Tenten looks at him.</p><p>“Not this again,” she says. Neji rolls his eyes, and Sasuke and Sai prepare themselves for round two of Tenten putting Neji in his place.</p><p>“Sasuke and Sai shouldn’t have been injured,” Neji says, “that nin should have been in secure custody after we delivered them to T&amp;I. Who is working there?” Neji sighs. It is a sign of progress, that he can admit that it was his teammates being injured that bothered him. Tenten sighs.</p><p>“Hinata and Ino,” Sasuke deadpans. Neji glares.</p><p>“They would never have allowed someone to escape custody.” There are two people who Neji holds dear, above all others, Hinata and Tenten. He is especially sensitive when Hinata’s abilities are questioned.</p><p>“I didn’t mean it like that. I’m pretty sure today is their day off,” Sasuke pouts, and no one comments on how strange it is that he knows Hinata and Ino’s work schedule. It simply confirms everyone’s suspicions, but they allow him to have his privacy.</p><p>“I just want to know how Sasuke was recognized,” Tenten rubs her temples, “I almost missed.”</p><p>“Ten,” Sasuke says, “if there is anything I have learned this week, you have good aim.” She had taken out three of the six who couldn’t be detained.</p><p>“It happens,” Sai shrugs, “Sasuke is distinct, nin get out of custody. It is no one’s fault.” Sai rubs his shoulder, and it makes her see red all over again.</p><p>“Still, what the <em>fuck</em> was that,” she knocks the table with the flat of her hand, “you two don’t need to act like everything is okay just because you aren’t maimed or dead.” She frowns into space, before crossing her arms.</p><p>“We’re all alive and the mission was successful,” Neji says, “it is all fine.” The irritation and strain in his voice implies otherwise.</p><p>“Then why do we have a big meeting tomorrow?” Sasuke asks, rubbing his head. “It feels like we are missing something right in front of us.”</p><p>No one says anything for a while. They are the murder squad. No one really tells them how their missions fit into the grand scheme of things, on the off chance Neji or Sasuke grow a conscience and decide to disobey direct orders. They are just sent out to eliminate threats. The frustration lies in the fact that they are clearly doing things that have significant political impact, but they aren’t permitted to know exactly what they are doing. Eight missing nin don’t simply band together and terrorize a border town, a glorified outpost, for no reason. Tenten puts her head in her hands, rubbing her eyes. Her three teammates all have their own ideas, but her brain is too small to try and comprehend the machinations of the Land of Fire.</p><p>“Just drink your beer,” she says, and to her surprise, the three of them simply do as they are told.</p><p>Sai watches her throat move as she takes her own sip, while Neji and Sasuke continue to brood.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p>Eventually the mood brightens. Hinata and Ino come over to their table, and Ino sits beside Tenten as Hinata sits beside Sasuke. She presses her thigh against Sasuke’s, and he allows himself to relax, to forget about his shitty week. She doesn’t say anything, but they don’t need to talk. Hinata will sometimes bump her foot against his, and he will catch it with his own. Out of the corner of his eye, he catches her smiling.</p><p>Beside him, Sai keeps looking at Tenten. Her face becomes rosier, the more that she drinks. Shikamaru, Naruto and Sakura have sidled up on his side of the table, and his staring isn’t lost on them. Neji goes up to get another beer, and Sakura leans against the back of Sai’s chair.</p><p>“So,” she says, in a glib voice, “you and Sasuke like Neji’s favourite people?” <em>This is going to be fun to watch</em>. Sai swivels his head to look at her, grumpy that he has to look away from Tenten, and that Sakura has figured it out so quickly. Shikamaru rolls his eyes, knowing that it has already gone well beyond pining.</p><p>Sasuke, overhearing Sakura, turns his head and scowls at her, while Sai blushes. Naruto, not to miss out on the opportunity to tease the two, crosses his arms. He looks over his shoulder, making sure that Neji is still at the bar. “How about we make a bet on who makes the first move?” Naruto grins, “my money is on Sasuke.” He only feels more confident in his choice when Sasuke glares at him. It’s a good sign when he acts protective. Besides, if Hinata sits so close to him there is a good chance that something has already happened.</p><p>“Sai, make me proud,” Sakura ruffles his hair, “I have dinner riding on this.” Sai feels utterly betrayed, but he isn’t exactly surprised that Sakura and Naruto are using this as an opportunity to plan the logistics of their first date.</p><p>“Shikamaru, you want to get in on this?” Naruto asks. Shikamaru shrugs.</p><p>“My money is on Tenten and Hinata making the first move.” Naruto and Sakura start explaining that it is outside of the parameters of the bet, while Shikamaru puts up his hands and defends his position. This makes Sai and Sasuke smirk, because one again, Shikamaru has proven himself to be a true genius.</p><p>Hinata bumps her foot against Sasuke’s calf, and he pointedly asks Tenten about the secret boyfriend she refused to tell them about when they first headed out on their mission. She throws a bar peanut at him, and she almost misses Sasuke’s forehead when she catches Sai looking straight at her.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p>Tenten isn’t drunk, but she is tipsy. Three drinks leave her feeling warm inside, and her arms are crossed across her chest, keeping out the chill. Sai walks beside her, hands in his pockets. This is the first time they have been alone since the bridge, and they keep skirting around the obvious.</p><p>“Sai, have you ever thought about the animals we chose?” Tenten asks, her voice bright. It takes Sai a second to realize that she refers to the masks they wear.</p><p>“Oh, not really,” he replies, “I just like monkeys. I was a kid when I chose my mask.” She nods in response.</p><p>“I wanted to be taken seriously.” She says, “and I have good aim.” Sai smiles beside her, before pinning her with one of his dark looks.</p><p>“Everyone respects you. You wouldn’t be on the team if that weren’t the case.” He pauses, “Neji personally requested you.” It was more than that. Neji had demanded her Anbu recruitment. She still wasn’t sure if she was actually good enough, or if she was kept around to placate Neji. He gets mad when she asks him, and she doesn’t really know Sasuke well enough to ask. Sai, with an obvious conflict of interest, cannot be asked the question.</p><p>Sai does think about their masks. Specifically, hers. He always thought that she was more of a doe or a vixen, rather than an eagle. He had said this to Sasuke once, who had snorted and replied that Sai only thought that because he wanted to fuck her. It isn’t <em>not</em> the case but it also isn’t all of it.</p><p>“I mean, I want people to see me as a capable adult.” She looks to him, her eyes glimmering. “It’s why I don’t wear my hair in buns on missions.” She looks ahead, shrugging. Being the only woman on an elite squad meant that she would be held to an even higher standard. Her face was already too kind, and her eyes aren’t cold, not even one bit. Wearing her hair like an adult was the easiest way to signify that she ought to be taken seriously.</p><p>She looks away from Sai, rubbing her jaw. She doesn’t know why she is telling him any of this. She had pretty much rejected him, and he probably didn’t want to hear her talk about her insecurities. It strikes Tenten that she may actually be the cruelest member of the team. Neji and Sasuke would definitely have called, if they had experienced what she had. And if they decided to reject someone, Neji and Sasuke wouldn’t spend more time than necessary with them. But when Sai offered to walk her home, Tenten had started nodding before she had even thought about it.</p><p>The night is cold and ink blue. Sai looks up at the stars, wondering what they think about him and Tenten. He doesn’t even know what he thinks, and he is one of the people involved. If every relationship has two sets of logic, an external and internal one each, what is the sense, the force that compels him to spend time with her? He looks to the ground. She isn’t looking at him. She is probably annoyed that he even asked her, and she merely accepted out of a misplaced sense of kindness.</p><p>Normal sucked, but it didn’t give Sai an ulcer from the anxiety of wondering what exactly goes on in her mind.</p><p>“It doesn’t look right,” he says, “you wearing your hair any other way.” It isn’t a professional answer, but it is the truth.</p><p>“Look right?” Tenten asks. She is unaware of how much time he has spent looking at her. He shrugs in response.</p><p>“You just don’t look like yourself, Ten.” Sai says her name softly, like he is carrying something delicate in his mouth at the same time.</p><p>She stops walking, looking at him. He stops with her, and he doesn’t look away. He looks into her eyes, and it feels like he is pulling something out of her. As if he were touching her optic nerve with a look alone. It doesn’t even hurt, not one bit.</p><p>She looks at the moon of his face. Sai is unquestionably beautiful, and he is looking right at her mouth. She isn’t stupid, and so she moves towards him. She kisses his lower lip and sighs as she comes home.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p>This is the second time they have decided to fall together. Two weeks of fluttering around each other, trying not to think about that which moves between, is gone. When they stumble into her apartment, there is not time wasted opening the window, or looking around at all the unoccupied space.</p><p>Sai is a nice boy, but that doesn’t mean he is passive. He kicks the door shut, and as he leans away to lock it behind him, she rips her shirt off. When he turns back around, he makes a gesture for her to turn around. Without breaking an ankle, she spins on her heels in the middle of slipping her shoes off. She grins to herself, wondering how Guy would feel knowing she was doing this with his hours of training. Sai is at her back, and in two seconds her bra is unclipped, and she lets it fall to the floor.</p><p>She turns around, and he is taking his own shoes off, and she smiles at the crown of his head. <em>I wonder if he has read this in one of novels</em>. She takes initiative, and unbuttons her pants, letting them fall to the floor. He looks up, and when it registers that she is naked, something dark flashes behind his eyes. She is somehow, always a step ahead of him. He throws his shoes at the wall, and she steps into her apartment, away from him.</p><p>He follows her, and when they tumble down onto her bed, he once again ends up under her. Her hands are on his jaw, and he smiles into her mouth. “Ten,” he says, and she pulls back. She helps him get his shirt off, and then she kisses him again. Sai now knows that the last time definitely wasn’t a fluke. His hands are on her face now as hers migrate south, fiddling with his pants.</p><p>“You’re not very patient.” He mutters against her jaw. She laughs quietly.</p><p>“No, I’m really not,” she says, “there is a reason I like speed, Sai.” It’s the first time she has spoken to him about her affinity for the stuff. He thought she just liked the way it feels, but he supposes it makes sense that the restraint she shows at work would be something she has worked on, as opposed to an innate quality.</p><p>“So speed amplifies who you are?” Sai asks as she kisses his throat. She hums, and he can tell she doesn’t want to linger on this topic. He looks up at the familiar crack on her ceiling, and he slides a finger against her. She makes a noise, but she melts onto him like the last time. It makes him smile.</p><p>“Not patient at all,” he says into her mouth, and she would laugh but he makes her gasp when he moves his hand. She thinks about being indignant, but it makes more sense to move with it. He lies back, content to watch her react to him. She looks down at him, biting her lip, unsure what to do. She leans down, but he puts a palm to her sternum.</p><p>“I want to watch,” Sai murmurs. Tenten tilts her head, puzzled. Something hot begins to curl inside the base of her stomach. No other man has ever wanted to watch her being touched. “I want to see your face when I make you come.” He tries out being more assertive, and to his surprise, she nods like she is going to obey. She takes it a step further. She sits back and away, and while she still looks a little confused, when he begins to properly work her, exploring to see what works, with an occasional <em>there?</em> her face changes. Confusion gives way to a smile to a whine to a gasp to a moan.</p><p>He likes kissing her, he really does. But there are few things more intimate than watching how your touch effects someone. He can’t explain it. Maybe it is because he is a painter, and prefers to watch things. It is just really well, <em>hot</em> to watch her face, knowing that he is the reason behind each expression.</p><p>She is too pretty to be a bird of prey. Better a vixen, a doe. Something with expressive eyes and the capacity to gut you with a look. The eyes of birds are soulless, and her eyes are full, brimming with expression and life. They are magic, as far as he is concerned.</p><p>Her eyes were lidded and now they are wide, and her mouth hanging open. She isn’t screaming, no, rather, the thing climbing out of her throat is shake-y and quiet, uneven and ragged. Alcohol numbs her senses, so while she anticipated having fun, Tenten could never have expected it. The orgasm that rips through her sears everything, making everything clear. All she sees and feels is Sai, his face and his hands and his body under her.</p><p>“More?” he asks, voice hoarse. She whines and nods, giving him what he wants: a view of her face as he takes her to the peak. She moves against him, and he goes with it. <em>More</em>, what a funny word. It is apparent to Sai that what she means is everything. So that is what he does; he gives her all he can.</p><p>The clench and release. A comedown. His fingers are in her, but they have stilled. She still spasms around him, and her hand is on her stomach, trying to still her breath. Sai bites his bottom lip, waiting for her to say something, anything. When her eyes can focus again, she looks down at him.</p><p>“I,” she begins, “no one has made me feel like that before.” The spasms stop, and he moves his hand. She tucks a stray lock of hair behind her ear, and she kisses him. “Thanks, Sai,” she says. He kisses the corner of her mouth, and she smiles. Sitting back up, she smirks.</p><p>“You need to take your pants off.” She slides to get off of him, but he sits up, holding her in place.</p><p>“I don’t have to do anything.” He puts his forehead against her sternum, and hugs her. She rubs the crown of his head, and she feels him smile.</p><p>“We can stop,” she says quietly. She doesn’t want to, but she will if that is what he wants. Sai releases her and shakes his head.</p><p>“I just wanted to be close for a bit.” She kisses his forehead before standing up. She finally unzips his pants, and he laughs when she does a cheer.</p><p>“Seriously,” she says, “it’s like they were trying to keep us apart.” Sai thinks it’s funny that she feels that way. He sits back down on the bed, and gestures for her to come back to him. He wraps his arms around her waist, and buries his face into her neck.</p><p>“Sai?” she asks.</p><p>“Yes,” he replies moving his head to look at her.</p><p>“We’re going to do this, right?” her weight shifts, and she is holding him. He nods, knowing what she really means. <em>We are going to choose to come home, instead of looking away</em>. Sai kisses her collarbone.</p><p>She kisses his temple, and then moves so they are then one. Tenten has never been especially comfortable with intimacy, but with Sai, it is like she wants to peel off all the layers separating the two of them. In this position, where she looks down on his face, mere inches from hers and their chests bump together and she can see his pores, Tenten realizes that they may never be close enough. Even in this position, cracked open with gravity forcing her down, she feels like they are still too far apart. The thought scares her. It seems terribly unfair, that she finds the person who she wants above all else, only to remember that they will always be essentially separate people.</p><p>She moves slowly, and he tightens his grip on her waist. He begins to move up as she goes across, and the angle at which they connect becomes a circle, so that everything begins to gain speed. As it all spirals, and he kisses the hollow of her throat and she looks up, all she can think is that this, right here, is the perfect moment.</p><p>He looks up at the moment she looks down, and they find it impossible to look away from each other. The eye contact is more intimate than the way he moves in her, and she puts a hand on his face, stroking his cheek. Sai thinks to himself, <em>yes, we are going to make a big mess</em>, but it doesn’t stop him. She makes a series of small gasps, and she feels his breath on her throat, her collarbones, her sternum. It feels like he is all over her.</p><p>He feels her clamping and he can hear the tell-tale gasp, and he knows it is time to slam home. She leans in, telling him to <em>come, come I can take it, go, go, go</em> and so he does. She bites her lip, keeping her own groan back, and she wraps her arms around him. He buries his face into her throat, and she tries to remember that they are two separate people who can, temporarily, become one. It will hurt if she doesn’t move soon. But what is more pain when she knows she will be stiff tomorrow morning?</p><p>Unwrapping his arms from her waist, Sai sits back. Tenten gets up, shakily, and she winces at how both sensitive and sore she is. “Sorry,” he mumbles, placing a hand on her hip.</p><p>“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” she touches his hand, before moving away towards the kitchen. He watches her back, at the way the blue light dapples across it. She fills two glasses with water, and brings them back over. Handing him one, she gulps down her own.</p><p>Sai watches her over his glass. After chugging her water, she walks into her washroom. He hears her pee, wash her hands, and then unwrap something. She comes back out, holding a toothbrush out, her own in her mouth.</p><p>Brushing his teeth, he watches her throw a big t-shirt on, and then open a window, presumably for air. He stands up, and with his toothbrush in the corner of his mouth, picks up and folds their clothes. He pulls his underwear back on, while Tenten goes in to the washroom to spit. Walking across the room, Sai places their clothes in two separate piles on her dresser.</p><p>When he walks into the washroom, she is untying her hair. He spits and rinses, and leaves his toothbrush in the cup by her sink. When he climbs into bed, he chooses the same side he slept on as last time. When she finally pads out of the washroom, turning off the light, he hears her sigh.</p><p>“Ten?” he asks, simply.</p><p>“I’m just tired,” she climbs in beside him. She shuffles over, and he opens his arm so she can press herself against him.</p><p>“I don’t feel like a whole person, Sai.” She tucks her face into his armpit. It smells like sweat and deodorant—like <em>him</em>. He makes a noise in the back of his throat. “Do you?”</p><p>“We chose the messiest option, Ten,” he says, “of course I don’t.” She puts her head on his shoulder, looking up at him.</p><p>“I only feel this way after we have sex.” Her foot jerks. “It’s only with you.” He nods.</p><p>“It’s the same for me.”</p><p><em>Ten and I</em>, he thinks, <em>falling in love</em>. It doesn’t seem so bad. At least the sex wasn’t a fluke.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi! I haven't really written much in these endnotes. I just wanted to say thanks for reading this thing. I am working on my MA thesis and this is my primary emotional outlet in the time of COVID-19/2020 being an unrelenting year. I am sure there are typos I have missed, and I will probably go back and do a re-upload. I promise this thing has a plot, besides porn. Or stay for the smut. I don't judge. </p><p>I know SaiTen are a weird pair but I love 'em, and I promise that SasuHina will get more action in later chapters. </p><p>The song that Lee and Sakura scream sing is Chance the Rapper's "All Night". Great song, but under the circumstances, it too would make me cross-eyed.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. A Bureaucratic Hurdle</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>An unnecessary meeting, a crossword puzzle and the problem with butter.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“And all I want to do is to fall in deep”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ariana Grande, “Into You”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The sun pours in from large, east facing windows. Despite the cooler weather and open windows, it is the heat rather than the light that wakes Sai up first. Tenten hadn’t drawn her curtains when they fell asleep the night before. Lying on his stomach, Sai raises his head and looks over to the other side of the bed.</p><p>She isn’t there, and he puts his arm out. It is still warm on her side, so she must have gotten up a short while ago. He groans, putting his face back in his pillow. He isn’t hungover, but he didn’t sleep as well as he would have liked before an important meeting.</p><p>“I didn’t think you made those kinds of noises.” Tenten pads over to him. Sai rolls over on his back, and gets up onto his elbows. Her hair is wet, and there is a towel wrapped around her torso. He tries not to stare at her legs. They aren’t dripping, but they are wet. It is entrancing to see how the muscles move beneath skin and fat. How can he best avoid staring while committing her bare legs to memory?</p><p>“I am full of surprises,” he deadpans. Tenten smiles, and she sits down on his side of the bed.</p><p>“Did you sleep well?” Tenten asks, searching his face. Sai nods with a yawn. Tenten smiles, and rubs her hand on his arm. He smiles, and actually sits up.</p><p>“Are you hungry?” Sai asks. It isn’t his apartment, but he would feel rude if he didn’t ask how she was doing. Tenten nods.</p><p>“It was your birthday this past Saturday,” she says, “wasn’t it?” Sai nods his head, getting up off the bed. Tenten’s eyes follow his back, as he goes to the dresser for his clothes.</p><p>“Yes, it was.” His reply is cool. “How did you know?” Tenten turns pink and shrugs.</p><p>“I know everyone’s birthday on our team,” she says, “so I can check our horoscopes.” Sai turns to look at her, trying to keep his face as neutral as possible.</p><p>“You check our horoscopes?” Sai just wants to make sure that he heard her correctly the first time. Tenten nods.</p><p>“I want to see how our days will be,” Tenten trails off. He shrugs and turns to his pants, unfolding them. “Anyways, what I wanted to say was that I’ll pay for breakfast today, since you only turn twenty-five once.” She stands up and walks towards her dresser. He can hear her approach him from behind.</p><p>Wordlessly, she passes her deodorant to him and he nods. It is an inoffensive, neutral smell, and he swipes it on while she chooses her clothes for the day. She settles on a pink, silk blouse and black pants. Without warning, she takes off her towel and dries herself off once more, before she chooses her underwear. He sets the deodorant back down on the dresser, and he puts on his pants.</p><p>It’s funny that she doesn’t care if he sees her naked as much as she cares about what he will think of her underwear. He watches her hesitate, and he tries to keep the smile off his face.</p><p>“I don’t care, Ten.” Sai turns to her. “I’ve seen you naked, twice now.” She pouts.</p><p>“But underwear is like a swimsuit. It is sexy because it hides so little.” Tenten tries not to whine, making Sai laugh.</p><p>“So you care about me picturing you in your underwear today?” Sai feels hopeful. He still wasn’t sure if this was a one-off thing, but it was a good sign that she wanted him to think about her naked. She tries to glare, but she can’t hold it.</p><p>“Were you actually going to pay attention in the meeting?” Sai zips his pants up, and shrugs.</p><p>“Maybe.” His answer is non-committal. Sai would probably have been trying not to look at her the whole meeting. He takes a look in her underwear drawer, scanning her options.</p><p>Black is conventional. Pink is fine. He spies a bit of cantaloupe colored lace, a warm orange that he anticipates will be fun to think about. He pulls it out of the drawer and passes it to her. He gives her a boyish grin as she takes the bra from him. She smiles at him, and his fingers tingle from where they brushed against hers.</p><p>She clips the bra on, and looking into her underwear drawer, she pulls out a bit of crimson lace. She pulls it up over her hips, and she puts her arms out like, <em>ta-da</em>. Sai smiles, and takes a moment to look before giving her a nod and going into the bathroom. She grins back at him, before turning to her clothes. He picks up his toothbrush, and brushes his teeth, trying not to think of their dumb little game. Sai wants to save it for the meeting, when Shikamaru and Neji inevitably squabble over a minor detail.</p><p>When he comes out of the washroom, she is dressed. He puts on his shirt, and they put on their shoes, and they are out the door. Tenten takes the lead, and he sticks close to her. The streets are still empty; they are up that early. She walks like she knows where she is going, and when she reaches back for his hand, he takes it.</p><p>It makes her feel so unnaturally happy to feel his hand in hers. She tries to keep the grin off her face, and for the most part she succeeds. When they finally get to the diner, she pushes the door open and holds it for him. Sai squeezes her hand, before he lets go so they can sit at a table. They are in a booth in the corner, and the waitress clearly knows Tenten. When their order for coffee is taken, Tenten turns her attention to Sai.</p><p>“Neji and I come here,” she says, “she probably thinks he is my only friend.” Looking up from the menu, Sai smiles at her.</p><p>“I am pretty sure the people who work at the place where Sakura and I get dinner think that I am her charity case.” Sai looks back down at the menu, and she frowns.</p><p>“It’s not charity,” she says, “spending time with you.” He looks at her with one of his indifferent expressions.</p><p>“I’m an awkward person.” He shrugs, wiping his tongue over his front teeth. Sai thinks about continuing, but she puts her head down to look at the menu. He is grateful that she doesn’t continue this conversation. He has more or less accepted who he is; in all the books he has read, one of the fundamental components of having an integrated, functional personality is self-acceptance.</p><p>They talk about nothing in particular, dancing around the obvious. It is only after their food arrives that Sai builds the confidence to ask her what has been on his mind since last night.</p><p>“Tenten,” she looks up, stuffing a bit of pancake in her mouth. “What did last night mean?” Sai looks at her, unblinking. The pancake is dry in her mouth, and it is especially chewy. He waits as she swallows, and it feels like the oxygen has been sucked out of the room.</p><p>Twice now, he has punched through her clit when they were both under the influence. More importantly, twice now he has made her feel like the half of a whole, like they were made for each other. He is staring right at her, and she can tell that he is preparing himself for her rejection. She nods her head, pretending to think when she knows her answer. She doesn’t want to seem desperate.</p><p>“It means something.” She says, “I don’t really know what, yet, but I want to find out.” The boyish smile on his face returns, and Tenten smiles, picking at her pancakes.</p><p>“Something.” He nods. “I’ll take it.” She licks her upper lip, and he watches the tip of her tongue move from left to right.</p><p>“I’m still picking up the check.” She says, “this is a late birthday treat.” Sai smiles at her.</p><p>“Not the sex?” he snickers. He must have learned how to do that from Neji and Sasuke.</p><p>“No, the sex was purely for my enjoyment.” She grins, and Sai nods. He puts some egg in his mouth, and she wonders if this is how the rest of her life will look like: watching him eat, and thinking how cute he is.</p><p>Eating is objectively unattractive, unless the person sitting across from you is the person you wish to devour yourself. <em>It’s crazy</em>, she thinks<em>, he is making me crazy</em>. <em>These are not the thoughts of someone who is level-headed with their feet on the ground</em>. No, these thoughts are very much from a person who is having a hard time accepting that they are falling in love. She sticks another piece of pancake in her mouth, as Sai talks to her about this book he is reading.</p><p>The book starts like this: <em>“Later!”</em> Sai tries to imitate the blasé voice of the character, but he has never sounded nonchalant in his life. She starts laughing, and she has to look away from him so she can swallow her pancake without choking, as he tries and fails to sound like a laid-back and carefree guy. She can tell that he has more or less given up on trying to get it right, and is doing it to make her laugh. She finally puts her head in her hands, forcing herself to look away.</p><p>He only says it three more times after that: <em>Later! Later! Later!   </em></p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Hinata sits on the couch, with her legs bent in front of her. Her arms are wrapped around her legs, and she holds a large cup of coffee against them. She likes the heat. It is early, and while she doesn’t have to be up for work in another two hours, Sasuke has to leave in around an hour. He sits on the couch beside her, reading a book. He bites his lip in concentration, re-reading his favourite book, about a woman who, at the end, vows that she “will rise up as strong and beautiful as a young horse.” He likes stories about rebirth, even though he insists that he is a malcontent.</p><p>Sasuke is handsome; it is well known. But he has a very particular way of moving through the world that Hinata finds entrancing to watch. It isn’t grace, so much as it is confidence. He moves with conviction. There is no waste, or unnecessary expenditure of energy. Hinata spent much of her childhood hesitant and unsure of herself. Even now, she feels like she overthinks everything. But Sasuke can merely exist in the liminal space of moment-to-moment, between a footstep or a heartbeat, when she would otherwise be straining her ears to hear the pattern.</p><p>She knows that being with him has changed her life for the better. Not just because she is in love with him. Being around his confidence makes her believe in herself. Ibiki and Ino always believed in Hinata, but now Ibiki looks at her like she is a ninja and Ino doesn’t shield her from anything. She doesn’t stutter anymore. Kurenai told her she had far surpassed her potential.</p><p>Even her father, miserable and stern Hiashi, said that she had become formidable. His words, not hers. When he said that, Hinata couldn’t stop smiling, and Sasuke told her that her cheeks were going to fall off. She could tell from his face that he was happy for her. Sasuke’s father had been difficult to read, and he told her that the only way he knew that his father even cared was because his mom always told him.</p><p>In her room, Sasuke has left a family photo beside hers. He looks like his mom, and they have the same kind look in their eyes. Sometimes, Hinata will indulge herself and imagine what it would be like if their families could actually meet. Would Itachi team up with Hanabi in teasing them, or would he distract her instead? Hinata thinks that he would probably humour her little sister, and tell Sasuke not to frown so much. Hinata hopes that Sasuke’s mom would like her. Hinata is sure that her mom would like Sasuke. Their dads, well, they would probably peacefully co-exist, like Sasuke and Neji. The four of them wouldn’t talk much, but everyone else would more than make up for it.</p><p>She smiles to herself, putting her head between her knees. This fantasy is one of her favourite daydreams. She looks up, grinning. Sasuke doesn’t look up from his book, but he can always tell when something is on her mind.</p><p>“What are you thinking about?” Sasuke asks. His voice is bored, but there is an undercurrent of amusement. He likes her fantasies. He never calls them stupid, or dumb. They make him smile.</p><p>“I’m thinking about what would happen if our families could meet.” She sees the corner of his lip quirk.</p><p>“Really?” Sasuke asks, not looking up. She nods, and pokes his side with her foot. He looks to her, and puts his book down on his lap.</p><p>“Don’t you want to know more?” Hinata asks, earnestly. He looks down, and puts his hand on the top of her foot, running his thumb along the underside of the arch. It doesn’t even tickle. That’s how used she is to him.</p><p>“Let me guess,” he smiles, “Itachi and Hanabi are making fun of us, our moms are talking for our dads, who are in the garden, saying nothing to each other and enjoying every second of silence, and Neji and I are more or less doing the same.” He pauses. “You are definitely hanging out with my mom. My dad would like you, but you’re a mom kind of girl.” Rubbing a circle into the peak of her arch, he looks into her eyes. “How close was I?” Hinata smiles at him, sipping her coffee.</p><p>“Itachi was telling you not to frown.” Sasuke nods.</p><p>“Sounds like him.” He clears his throat, and moves his hand from her foot. He has to get dressed soon. She rests her chin on her knees.</p><p>“You could call in sick.” She says. He smirks.</p><p>“With what?”</p><p>“You sustained a <em>head trauma</em>,” she makes fun of the way he said it last night, when they got home from the bar. She had accidentally bumped his head with her elbow when she reached to turn off the bedside light on his side of the bed, because he was too tired to be bothered. “I am sure those things usually feel worse the next day.” Sasuke smiles, and stands up.</p><p>“You know how it is,” he says, striding to her room, “duty calls, or whatever.” As he walks towards the bedroom, Hinata calls out.</p><p>“Want to go out for dinner?” she doesn’t want to stay in and figure out what to cook, since he will probably be back late. He turns to her, hands on his hips.</p><p>“I was going to pick up some stuff from the store and make something,” he replies, “you cook all the time.” Hinata’s face falls. Everything in her life is picking up steam, but she sometimes feels like her relationship with Sasuke is both metaphorically and actually inert. She wants to go out for dinner because she wants them to be seen together. To be recognized as a unit.</p><p>Even Kurenai and Asuma went out on dates, even though they pretended otherwise. Sasuke can see that he said something she didn’t like. His eyes narrow, and she can tell he is trying to figure out what it was. But how can she tell him that she wants people to know? Every time she brings it up he retreats away from her.</p><p>She doesn’t know how to tell him how important it is to her that he hold her hand in public. She wants to be able to look for him, without having to pretend that she is looking for her cousin. Hinata wants to be the first person to be contacted if he’s hurt, and she wants to be able to kiss him in broad daylight and have lunch with him at work.</p><p>She wants everyone to know, and <em>look</em>, she knows they aren’t normal people and that her family is nosey and he is a reformed criminal but their relationship? It <em>is</em> normal. If she has learned anything from Ino, it is that wanting everyone to know how absolutely in love you are with somebody is one of the perks of finding your soulmate. Not to rub it in their faces, but to prove that it is possible. <em>Sasuke</em>, she wants to say<em>, I want everyone to know that I absolutely adore you</em>.</p><p>But she doesn’t say any of what she is thinking. Hinata knows he just wants peace in this life; if that means holing up in this apartment until they are old and dead, who is she to ask him to give up his one bit of security in this world? She sips her coffee and shrugs. He doesn’t look away from her. He chews his lower lip. It makes him anxious, not knowing why she is upset.</p><p>“Is there anything happening?” Sasuke asks. Hinata feels bad for worrying him, so she recovers her smile.</p><p>“No.” She pauses. “I’m happy as long as I’m not cooking.” She stands up, and walks over to him. She puts her hand over his diaphragm, and he puts his hand over it. He looks doubtful, and she wants to tell him how much she loves him; to describe its infinitesimal quality, its taste and texture and sound. But she can’t, because there aren’t enough words, or any words. Simply sensations, feelings with no name.</p><p>She rubs her thumb back and forth on his abdomen. “I’m happy, as long as I’m with you,” Hinata says, “that’s all I want. To be with you.” Sasuke looks down at her face. He doesn’t believe that she is actually fine, but he does believe that she will tell him why she is upset. She isn’t withholding to punish him. Hinata needs time to process her feelings. When she is ready, she will tell him why her face fell.</p><p>He nods, and he smiles first. “I would kiss you,” he says, “but you have coffee breath.” Her mouth scrunches, and she kisses him anyways. He feigns disgust, but he kisses her again, before pulling away and going to get dressed.</p><p>Hinata looks at his back, broad and strong from hours of training and fighting. He has the back of a warrior, like her father. <em>I would do anything to protect that back</em>, she thinks. She covered Naruto during Pain’s assault and the war, but she was a girl in love with a boy who inspired her to be her best self. It’s different, with Sasuke. When she looks at him, she sees her future. That is the back of the man she is going to spend the rest of her life with, the father of her children. Her life depends on that back.</p><p>She smiles, and blinks fast, the way she does when she thinks about his career in Anbu. She walks back over to the coffee maker, and pours more coffee into her mug. When he comes out of the bedroom, he raises his eyebrows at her before he ducks into the washroom to brush his teeth.</p><p>When he finally emerges, he comes up behind her, and kisses the back of her head. “Have a good day,” he murmurs. When he is out the door, Hinata walks back to the coffee table. He left his book flipped over, opened. She picks it up, and looks for the bookmark, which he always leaves in the cover.</p><p>It is a thick square of paper, and when she turns it over, she recognizes it as a picture she made him take with her when they drove up to the lake. She was wearing a swimsuit, a black one piece with a deep scoop in the back. She remembers his big hand on her back, splayed out.</p><p>An older woman was walking along the trail while Hinata was convincing him to take the picture. She offered to take it, so Hinata handed her the camera before he could object. Hinata’s blue-black hair is up in a ponytail and there is a breeze blowing her bangs over. Sasuke smiles his lopsided smile, the one he has as a boy in all his family photos.</p><p>This picture is on her dresser, which means he had taken the negative in to be developed. It makes her warm inside, to know that he had a copy too. Hinata tucks the photo into his spot, and she takes the book into their room, leaving it on his bedside table.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>After breakfast, Sai went home to shower and change. Tenten had spent the rest of her morning drinking an iced coffee, and had decided to finish some of the paperwork that had built up. By the time she looked up at the clock, it was 1:50 PM and, if she didn’t start moving, she would be late to a meeting that was, presumably, about her explaining why she killed three people last week.</p><p>She was working in a spare office by T&amp;I, in the basement of Hokage Tower. When the elevator stops at the main floor, she taps her foot, impatient. She smiles when Sasuke, holding a newspaper and a pen, walks into the elevator, whistling. He nods at her, and then immediately slouches against the wall, looking at his puzzle.</p><p>“Dirty due to neglect. Seven letters. Second letter is Q, last is R.” It is a compliment that he doesn’t feel like he has to go through the mundane niceties with her.</p><p>“Squalor,” Tenten replies, as the elevator slowly climbs. “Aren’t you supposed to be a genius?”</p><p>“If you haven’t noticed,” Sasuke replies, “As long as you are smarter than Naruto and Lee, have better reflexes than Kiba and don’t have the temper of Sakura, Ino or Chouji, you are regarded as a genius in this place.” Tenten smirks, because he is right. Genius is supposed to be rare: it doesn’t mean anything if every other asshole is one. Sasuke taps his pen against the paper. “I was just trying to start a conversation.” She turns and smiles at him. Neji is her best friend and Sai may become her boyfriend, but she always liked Sasuke. His sullen demeanour really rounded out the quartet.</p><p>“I am in a very good mood.”</p><p>“I’m happy for you.” Sasuke sounds genuine. He even smiles.</p><p>“Why?” Tenten narrows her eyes. She likes Sasuke, but he has never, in their two years working together, ever admitting to being happy for anyone. He was capable of empathy, yes; that doesn’t mean he ever demonstrated it. The elevator, if possible, starts moving even more slowly.</p><p>“I killed a few kittens on the way to work.” He deadpans, and she crosses her arms. She can’t remember the last time he was in a good mood, let alone admitted to being in one. “Everyone is always so suspicious when I’m happy,” he grumbles. “So, why are you happy today?” Sasuke asks, deciding to ignore her rude question.</p><p>Tenten blushes, thinking about her time with Sai. She can’t say <em>I am in a good mood because I get to spend the next three hours of our lives knowing Sai is picturing me in underwear he chose for me</em>. She also can’t really say <em>Sai used my deodorant this morning and he let me hold his hand in public </em>or <em>Sai made me nearly puke from laughter trying to nonchalantly say Later!</em></p><p>“It has nothing on murdering kittens,” she says, “I just had a good night, is all.” Sasuke looks at her, really looks at her, and smiles like he has smelled blood in the water.</p><p>“Oh, did Sai finally seal the deal?” Tenten yelps and jumps away, as Sasuke laughs.</p><p>“It was a guess,” he says. “You two aren’t subtle at all.” Sasuke chuckles under his breath. Neither he or Neji were surprised when they gravitated towards each other. They were surprised that it took this long, but whatever. Tenten, trying to recover her dignity, thinks of something to volley back.</p><p>“I know about you and Hinata,” she blurts out. Like that, the mood shifts, and for a brief moment, Tenten wonders if it was a smart idea mentioning the probable cause of his good mood without Neji <em>and</em> Sai there to back her up. Sasuke narrows his eyes, and tucks the paper under his arm.</p><p>“Did she tell you?” he asks. Tenten snorts and crosses her arms.</p><p>“No.” she replies, “I figured it out by the way you two looked at each other in the hospital.” Sasuke’s jaw ticks, and he looks up to see how many floors they have to go.</p><p>“People look at each other all the time,” he says quietly.</p><p>“I don’t eye-fuck every man I look at.” Tenten rebuts. Hinata is her own person, but Tenten isn’t going to stand by and watch Sasuke waste her time.</p><p>“No,” he drawls, “that’s just with Sai, isn’t it?” Sasuke can tell that he has hit a spot equally tender to the one he holds for Hinata. Tenten looks like she might punch him. “It is just sex.” He says, thinking that will make her drop the conversation. She only looks angrier.</p><p>“Do you really think that? What if Neji or Naruto find out?” Tenten says.</p><p>“Well, Naruto is betting on Hinata and I getting together, so I think he will be fine,” Sasuke replies, “and Neji, for all I care, can shove it.”</p><p>“Then why is it a secret?”</p><p>The elevator chimes, and Sasuke tries to get away from her. Sadly, they can only go so fast in a busy hall and they are going to the same place. Tenten is breathing down his neck, and Sasuke would like to recover some of his good mood before the next few hours of his life are pissed away by Shikamaru.</p><p>“Because it isn’t anyone else’s business.” He retorts. Tenten is right on his heels.</p><p>“You need to treat her right,” she says, “Hinata doesn’t do casual.” Something about the insinuation that he doesn’t take his relationship with Hinata seriously, or that she doesn’t mean anything to him, sets Sasuke off.</p><p>He spins on his heels and glares right into Tenten’s soul. “Maybe she wants people to stop telling her who she is and how she ought to move through the world.” His eyes are swirling, and Tenten finally sees it. <em>He is in love with her</em>. He moves to walk away, but she grabs his wrist.</p><p>“You really like her, don’t you?” Tenten asks, searching his eyes for any evidence that she is wrong. But all she sees is the face Sasuke made when he was trying to hide the curse mark. Pain, irritation, and a fear of vulnerability. She lets go of his wrist, and he knows it is because she found what she was looking for. Trying to save face, he twists his face.</p><p>“Why else would I sleep with her?” Sasuke starts walking down the hall. He is steps from the door, when Tenten bounds up to him.</p><p>“It’s not just fucking, is it?” Tenten says. He grunts. His hand is on the doorknob, but he turns to her before opening the door.</p><p>“And what are you and Sai doing?” Sasuke blinks, feigning innocence. “Saving the whales?” Tenten scoffs. He opens the door, and she only has time to whisper, “you are such an asshole,” before they step into the meeting room.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Someone once told Sai that time is a flat circle. They were talking about a television show he never bothered to watch, but sometimes he comes back to that phrase. <em>Time is a flat circle</em>. Apparently, it means that everything that has ever happened, will happen over and over again. You have some agency in how you choose to face it, but you can’t really get away from it.</p><p>Sai never found it particularly convincing, but he finds that it pops into his mind whenever he is stuck in one of these meetings. Whenever there is a question of excessive force, Kakashi wants the squad involved to sit down with Shikamaru and go over what happened. Sai doesn’t get why Kakashi bothers. Well, that isn’t the whole truth. He understands why a debrief would be important for most squads. They may be mercenaries, but you can’t go around killing people indiscriminately. Kakashi wants to ensure that there is a collective understanding of the standard that needs to be met for the use of lethal force.</p><p>But their squad? The team sent out to kill? Sai just didn’t see why they were compelled to have these kinds of meetings. They never get missions involving well-meaning but stupid clients, or tracking missions, or even stealth missions. It is all high-stakes investigation and intelligence gathering, with the authorization to kill if necessary. They aren’t deployed for anything less than state-sanctioned murder. Sai doesn’t have a problem with the authoritarian machinations of Konoha, but he would like it if the bureaucracy had some clear rules for a change, rather than a series of conflicting aims that were applied at the whims of Kakashi. Sai would simply have more confidence in the system. Is that too much to ask?</p><p>Neji sits across from him, while Shikamaru is at the head of the table. Shikamaru is scowling at his files, and Neji’s arms are crossed. Their team always seems to clash with Shikamaru. The squad, more or less, are all accustomed to death. They don’t like it, but you can’t be the murder squad and not develop the kind of indifference that allows you to sleep at night. Tenten’s parents died before she could form memories, Neji’s father died a sacrifice, Sasuke survived a massacre and Sai…well, he can’t remember his parents either, and his childhood was all but destroyed by Konoha. The point is that they have all endured the destruction of a mythic past, their origins. They aren’t connected to humanity like normal people.</p><p>Shikamaru, with his attentive and available parents and relatively sheltered upbringing, never seems satisfied with the answers any of them have to give about why lethal force was used. No one ever lies: they are on missions where leaving witnesses endanger the team. But the <em>wrong place wrong time insert apathetic shrug</em> seems to infuriate Shikamaru. Which begs the question: why have a <em>murder squad</em> if you don’t want them to kill in the first place? Why not disband the team, or give them different missions if you were going to smack them around for doing what they were told? Sai taps his fingers against the table. Maybe time really is a flat circle, and he will always be in this conference room, feigning empathy for Shikamaru’s comfort.</p><p>While debating whether or not it is appropriate to smile, Sasuke and Tenten clamber in. He catches her calling Sasuke an asshole, and he can tell that Neji and Shikamaru do too by the grins on their faces. He turns to look at Tenten, whose flush is brought out by her pink top, and Sasuke, who looks grumpier than usual. He has the paper tucked under his arm, and he thuds into the chair beside Sai.</p><p>However, Sai is too busy looking at Tenten, who sits beside Neji. He is definitely annoyed that Sasuke chose to sit next to him. Neji turns to nod at Tenten, while Shikamaru clocks Sai’s irritated expression. Shikamaru grins, before straightening his face. He can’t remember the last time he saw a genuine emotion flicker across Sai’s face. It humanizes him.</p><p>Sai looks at her. The silk of her blouse wrinkles across the lace of her bra, and he can see the faintest outline of her nipples. Sai doesn’t smile, but he allows himself to enjoy the thought of their perverted little game. She was right; it is a lot of fun to picture Tenten in her underwear. She smiles at him, and he can tell that she too, is picturing him naked. A flush creeps up his neck, and he looks away. It’s a dumb, but very effective distraction.</p><p>Shikamaru clears his throat, indicating that it is time to begin the meeting. “So, we need to go over the entire incident, from start to finish.”</p><p>“Don’t you have better things to do?” Sasuke asks. His fuse is especially short today.</p><p>“Clearly not.” Neji’s voice is irritated. He hates pointless meetings like this, where sound judgements are repeatedly called into question. Shikamaru makes an exasperated noise. Everyone seems to be in a bad mood today. Sai and Tenten smile at each other. Sasuke kicks his chair, and Sai yelps.</p><p>“Look,” Shikamaru says, “I don’t enjoy talking about slaughter either, especially since your instructions were to kill, but life is full of bureaucratic hurdles for us to negotiate.” He rubs his forehead. Ino is right; there is a deep wrinkle already forming. He can <em>feel</em> it.</p><p>“Are you sure you don’t enjoy these meetings?” Sasuke asks. Shikamaru’s jaw tightens on his face. He swears that Sasuke is the primary cause of his giant forehead wrinkle. He looks to Neji, who looks even less impressed with Sasuke. Sai and Tenten are trying and failing to stop looking at each other.</p><p>“Is the sky blue?” Shikamaru deadpans. “Now, why were so many bodies?”</p><p>“Tenten was watching our backs in combat.” Neji replies in a clipped tone. “She is good at her job. She has exceptional aim.”</p><p>“Very good aim. Lots of blood,” Sasuke inserts himself. <em>He’s in a mood today</em>, Shikamaru thinks <em>what were he and Tenten talking about?</em></p><p>“Tenten,” Shikamaru turns his gaze to her. He sees the precise moment Sasuke kicks her, because she is too busy looking at Sai. She narrows her eyes at Sasuke, who points at Shikamaru. He sighs. Sasuke, Tenten and Sai are only professional with the masks on. Shikamaru now understands Neji’s perpetual frown—dealing with these three must feel like herding cats.</p><p>“Yes, Shikamaru?” Tenten blinks.</p><p>“I need you to tell me your version of events. Tell me what you saw.” Shikamaru blinks, and all five mentally prepare themselves to lose three, irretrievable hours of their lives.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p>They are dismissed at 5 PM. Sasuke bolts out the door first, and Tenten nods her head to let Sai know to follow her out of the room. They don’t even say goodbye to Shikamaru and Neji, who are still discussing the finer details of the report.</p><p>When they are outside the room, Sai holds his hand out to catch Tenten’s wrist. She turns to him, looking up into his eyes. They are at work, so he isn’t going to kiss her, but the softness in her gaze could persuade him otherwise.</p><p>“Are you busy now?” Sai asks.</p><p>“No. We should do something.” Tenten smiles at him, stepping closer than is professional but still too far away for his liking.</p><p>“Are you asking me on a date?” Sai asks, smiling. Tenten nods.</p><p>“Something like that.” She taps her foot, putting her hands on her hips. “I want to date you, after all.” Sai nods his head, as they begin to walk down the hall.</p><p>“I want to date you, too.” He looks ahead, so he can’t see her wiggle her hips in excitement. Tenten feels a fluttering in her chest, and she reaches out to take his hand in both of hers.</p><p>“Want to go get dinner?” Tenten asks. Sai turns back, and nods. She looks at his profile: the clean jaw, his dark eyes.</p><p>“You’re staring,” he says, pressing the button of the elevator.</p><p>“You were staring at me that whole meeting.” She replies. Letting go of his hand, she steps away. Looking at her sideways, he grins. She likes the look of his real smile. Tenten could get used to it.</p><p>“I didn’t say I minded.” The elevator dings, and he gestures for her to step in before he follows her.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Hinata walks out of her bedroom to see Sasuke preparing rice in the kitchen. He was at work all day, and while it was just a meeting, she could tell it left him in a mood. His forehead was scrunched. When irritated, he doesn’t get loud, or crash pots and pans around. He gets really quiet, retreating inside of himself.</p><p>She walks up to the counter, standing across from him. Sasuke looks up. She is wearing a blue sundress. He assumed she had been napping in the other room, and he didn’t want to bother her when he got home. Sasuke has tried to be quiet, but clearly, it didn’t work. It made him even angrier at himself. He was powerless in the field, back at HQ and now he couldn’t even sneak around Hinata’s apartment.</p><p>Hinata has missed him. He was gone for a week, with no warning. She simply came home last Saturday, and he had never returned. When she went into work and asked where Neji and his team had gone, Ibiki replied that they had been sent to the border. She knew what was happening out there, and she was powerless to go retrieve them.</p><p>It wasn’t his fault, but she was kind of mad at him. Mad at the job he had, that he was compelled to leave without saying goodbye, that their life together would always have Anbu hanging over their heads. She knew all of this when they had first gotten together, but living with it was wearing on her. If something happened, would she end up like Kurenai? Would it be Neji, Tenten or Sai who would come to her door, and tell her that Sasuke was dead? Out of the three, Tenten was the one with whom he would most likely share his last words.</p><p>Or maybe it would be Shikamaru. He was good in times of crisis. He would call Ino after getting Hinata out of her doorway.</p><p>Hinata, crumpled at her door, on her knees, sobbing and gasping over a man who never held her hand in public. A man who she never got the chance to claim as hers. Someone who everyone assumed to be single. And if he met his end on a mission, he would be alone. Hinata could spend her days moping with Kurenai, over men that were never really theirs, and for what? Privacy? Hinata had wanted to ask Kurenai this for a while: was the secret still hot and fun, or was it a source of shame after Asuma died? Sneaking around feels good, until Hinata thinks about laying the wreath on a tombstone like Kurenai had. Hinata had cried over this on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. On Thursday, she was finally numb.</p><p>Today, she had masturbated in her room while he was at work. Trying to feel better, working herself up to the point where she couldn’t relax, but she couldn’t orgasm either. There was no relief without him.</p><p>But standing there, looking at him cooking, the scab over all the love and fear is ripped open. Kurenai had barely been a person for a year. Hinata doesn’t think she would be a person at all. They hadn’t talked about his absence. They had simply come home from the bar and gone to sleep, and then he went in to work early. He wasn’t even around for her hangover.</p><p>“I missed you,” she says, “I was lonely.” Sasuke looks up at her from over the sink.</p><p>“Would you believe me if I told you my week was the same?” he has been home for 24 hours, but he still looks tired.</p><p>“Were you also mad that you left without telling me?” Hinata asks, smoothing her hands on the countertop. He pauses, and looks her right in the eye. She has the prettiest eyes he has ever seen.</p><p>“Yes,” he replies, “I am always angry when I have to leave without telling you.” He looks away, but Hinata knows it is because he doesn’t want to show her how upset he really is. “I don’t have a choice. You know that.” If he had a choice, he would stay by her side forever.</p><p>They stand in silence for a bit, Sasuke cutting vegetables and the rice soaking. She is tired of being mad at him. Tired of being scared for him. She has nothing left inside. “I want you to come home.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“I don’t like having to go in to work and ask Ibiki about where Neji is to find out where you have been sent.”</p><p>“I know.” He isn’t even engaging with what she says. She exhales, and presses her palms to the counter.</p><p>“Come here, please.” He looks up at her, blinking. His dark eyes scan her face.</p><p>“Why?” Hinata smirks. She is tired of being mad, scared and distant from him. She wants him to be close.</p><p>“I want you to show me how much you love me.” She says, smiling. He snorts, and looks down at the cutting board.</p><p>“I’m cooking.” He puts his knife down, and looks up at her. “You okay with waiting to eat?” Hinata nods, her smile getting bigger. He comes out from behind the counter, and walks to her. His head is cocked to the side, and he is smirking now.</p><p>“Did you come out here,” he starts, “to make me think you were mad at me, to make it easier to seduce me?” Sasuke can admit this: his mood is beginning to improve exponentially. Hinata turns her head to the right to look at him. Her chin is tucked down, and he can tell she is trying to keep a grin off her face.</p><p>“Lift up my skirt.” She says, not moving from her place. He gives her a look before going behind her.</p><p>“Is kissing too intimate now?” Sasuke kisses the top of her shoulder anyway. Hinata shrugs, so he obeys. He puts his hand up her skirt, discovering that not only was she not wearing underwear, she was already wet. She feels him laugh behind her.</p><p>“Is this what you were doing in the other room?” he rumbles. She nods, not even looking back at him. “You need anything else?”</p><p>“No,” Hinata replies, “just you.” Sasuke kisses the back of her head. Her hair is silky, soft under his mouth. He loves her so much he doesn’t care that some of it sticks to his lips.</p><p>“You are awfully prepared.” He moves back to unzip his pants, as she bends over, resting her chin on her hands. He pushes her skirt up onto her back, and places his palm on the side of her hip.</p><p>“I’ve been thinking about you for seven days, thirteen hours and twenty minutes.” She looks over her shoulder, chin propped on a fist. “The last forty-five minutes were really fun though.” She smiles at him, and it makes something in his chest burst. He rubs his hand on her hip, and he returns her smile.</p><p>He hates being far away from her. But maybe, being far away is a necessary precondition to their closeness. He wouldn’t know how important being near her is if he was around all the time. That said, one mission was sufficient for him to learn this lesson. His taps his hand against her hip. “You are such a perv.” He grins, “<em>I like it</em>.” She shrugs at his comment, humming.</p><p>He lines himself up, and when he hears her gasp, he feels a sense of completion that he hasn’t felt with anyone else. Her hair runs down her back, and he runs his fingers through it. She is so much smaller than him, and he is continually surprised by how much she can take. It’s like she gets off on the intensity with which he shows her how much he loves her. Most people back off from the dark undertow, but she wants to be pulled in.</p><p>It isn’t even that dark, and it isn’t a real undertow. It’s just that he has a lot of feelings, and she wants to experience them all. He knows she is, technically, the receptive partner, but he feels like she cracks something open in him, making everything he hides leak out. Physically, he is inside her. But emotionally? She is the one ramming into him. <em>More,</em> she gasps, <em>more</em>. He looks inside himself for the well of more, willing to drain it all now. <em>Don’t settle for more</em>, he wants to say, <em>here, have everything</em>.</p><p>She pushes back against him, forehead on her hands, biting her lip. This was what the past forty-five minutes was missing; him. Hinata closes her eyes, trying to remember if she was ever a person before Sasuke came along and made her a human being. His love animated something in her, a force that now knew what it means to love someone beyond words, language, being itself. A force that roars through her when he is gone and in danger, and when he is safe and at home. Does he know she would die for him? She would have died for Naruto, but she was seventeen and thought real love was about dying for someone.</p><p>Even scarier, she wouldn’t just die for Sasuke. She is twenty-four, and she would live for him. Death is a one-time thing. The moment passes, and you become nothing. But to live for someone: to get up every day and affirm that yes, you are going to get up and go to work and live, because this person needs you to be alright? That’s even scarier, and it is a bigger forever than death. Death annihilates possibility. But life simply generates even more to choose from. <em>You are the person I choose, </em>she bites back.<em> I want to hold your hand and call you my partner; I want to have your babies; I want to grow old with you; I am going to love you forever, why pretend otherwise?</em></p><p> <em>I want everyone to know that you are mine, and I am yours.</em></p><p>He moves in her, and he can feel that something is building up inside her, between the two of them. She is too quiet. They move easily together, frictionless. Nonetheless, he can see her back arching, so something is sparking up within her. He presses down against her back, not even grossed out by the sweat on her hairline, and his own sweat falling on her back.</p><p>Finally, he feels her begin to sputter, and he puts his forehead between her bare shoulder blades. The straps of her dress have fallen over her shoulders. Robin’s egg blue; the sky.</p><p>“Sasuke,” she starts, and nods.</p><p>“I know,” he replies, “more, I’m on it.” <em>More, more and everything </em>is the chant in his head. He feels her shake her head.</p><p>“No.” Her reply is soft, staggered. “Not that.” He pauses and looks up at the back of her head.</p><p>“No? Like, stop?” he rubs his hand against her stomach, and she pushes her hips back.</p><p>“Keep going!” She says, desperate. He nods, and begins to move, reassured but wondering what she wants to say to him. <em>What else is there to do but ask for but more?</em> “Sasuke,” she says, gasping, “I love you.” <em>Like, really love you. So urgently that if I don’t say it now I will forever regret it.</em> Hinata wants to destroy all doubt. He needs to know that she loves him with her whole being. <em>I love you, I love you, I love you</em>. Her back arches and he finally hits the spot they both wanted.</p><p>It is amazing how the ground and the sky collide on the horizon line. He feels pinned down by each, squeezed into the non-existent space between heaven and earth. He doesn’t fall against her back, but he presses his forehead into the knot of her spine, trying to remember which way is up. How long has the rice been soaking? What is the color of the sky? When he remembers that it has been twenty minutes and that the answer is blue, he stands up.</p><p>He steps back, and fixes himself before zipping up his pants. As she straightens out her back, her skirt falls down, covering her backside. He is quiet, as he pulls the straps of her dress back up over her shoulders. He then walks around the counter, and washes his hands. Hinata has odorless dish liquid, and he uses a generous amount. She watches him lather the soap on his hands, and she taps her fingers on the counter.</p><p>“So,” he finally says, “first my therapist tells me for you, and then you tell me you love me during sex?” Sasuke’s smile is lopsided, and she feels her heart constrict. “I don’t think it counts when you say it like that.” She smiles and shrugs.</p><p>“It’s how I feel when you’re inside me.” She replies, “why pretend otherwise?”</p><p>Indeed, he thinks. “I love you too,” Sasuke replies, looking right at her. After a second, he turns away, beginning to drain the rice, and she walks over to the fridge. “Do we have any beer?” Hinata asks, “I feel like this has been a beer week.” Sasuke snorts.</p><p>“You live here,” he replies. She narrows her eyes at him.</p><p>“You pretty much live here too.” She opens the fridge, frowning when she only sees one can.</p><p>“I am gone for weeks at a time,” he looks back at her. “Ino is here more frequently than I am.” Hinata sighs, not because he is wrong, but because she would prefer it to be otherwise. She wipes her hands against her skirt, and walks up behind him. Putting her chin against his back, she looks at the ceiling.</p><p>“I am going to go to the washroom and then go get some beer.” She clucks her tongue. “Have a preference?” Hinata feels his shrug, and she moves her chin away.</p><p>“I will drink anything in a can.” Leaving the rice to drain in a sieve, he goes back to cutting vegetables. “It is up to you.” <em>It is always up to you, </em>he thinks, <em>I am just waiting for the day you decide you don’t want me anymore</em>.</p><p>She nods and pads to the washroom. When she is done, she grabs her purse and waves at him, repeating “I love you.” He smiles and says it back.</p><p>She will come back in an hour, carrying a bouquet of forget-me-nots, peonies and lilies that Ino put together for her, <em>because she is too pretty to not receive flowers</em>, and a brown bag with a few cans of beer. She will come up to him, and place a forget-me-not behind his ear, and remind him that blue truly is his color. She will even take a picture of him, and he will let her, because they are in love and for an evening, they are going to be a normal couple. The kind of couple who, after a long week and the beginning of another, will sit down and eat dinner with a can of beer, and talk about nothing in particular.   </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Tenten doesn’t know what she expected when she stepped into Sai’s apartment, but she is surprised by how much it feels like she is stepping into his brain. There are canvases everywhere, and an easel in the corner of his living room. He has a drawing table by the window, and the walls are sky blue. Walking into his living room, she sees his red couch, and a dark brown coffee table.</p><p>He even owns a television. She snorts, and he shoots a look over his shoulder.</p><p>“Why are you laughing?” Sai asks, putting the grocery bags up on the counter. He is going to make pasta. Sakura gave him a recipe to try out. It is going to be garlicky, but she assured him that it was worth it. He had said this to Tenten, who shrugged and said she was fine with anything<em>. I don’t kiss on the first date</em>, she had winked. He had rolled his eyes in response, putting garlic in his basket.</p><p>Now, he takes the garlic out, waiting for Tenten’s response. She turns to look up at him. “I think you are the only person I know under thirty who owns a television.” Sai tilts his head. He has a troubled look on his face. “Sai? Did I say something wrong?” he shakes his head in response.</p><p>“I was just trying to think of who else I know who owns a television,” his frown deepens, “Sakura’s family has one. Her dad gave me their old one.” Tenten looks at the television, and realizes why he is so attached to it. It’s a gift from his family.</p><p>“I think it is cute,” she smiles, and Sai’s face relaxes. He was afraid that she would make fun of him for being a dork. He never noticed how frequently he steels himself against rejection, until Tenten kissed him two weeks ago. She walks up to him, and she puts her hand over his. “Can I help?” Tenten’s voice is soft. Sai looks at her hand, and shakes his head.</p><p>“I like cooking,” he says, “it’s relaxing.” Tenten nods, but she doesn’t move her hand.</p><p>“It’s really garlicky, right?” Tenten asks. She moves her hand away, but she stays close to him. He turns to face her directly.</p><p>“Yes,” he says, “Sakura said so.” She taps her fingers against the countertop, and he can’t stop looking at her cupid’s bow. “Are you sure you don’t kiss on the first date?” Tenten sighs, and tips her face up towards him.</p><p>“Not usually,” she says, “but I think I want to go even further than that.” Sai puffs his cheeks and nods his head, putting his hands on her hips.</p><p>“You want to do more than kissing on our first date.” Sai looks down at her mouth. She wraps her arms around his waist, and presses her face into his sternum, nodding. He puts his chin on her head, and she starts laughing.</p><p>“You did that the first time,” she mutters, “do you remember?”</p><p>“You told me that I hover like a cat.” He says this as he pulls away. “I don’t think I’m hungry.” She shakes her head.</p><p>“Me neither.”</p><p>Sai puts his hand on her cheek, and leans down to kiss her. Tenten reciprocates, aiming for his cupid’s bow.</p><p>How funny is it, that he was in front of her this whole time? She was thinking this in the meeting, when Shikamaru was grilling him about the man he put his tanto through and she had an excuse to stare at him. Sure, she had a crush on Sai, but she didn’t know the way she knows now how badly she wants him. Her hands are on either side of his face, and he pulls her closer. Should she feel bad that their connection is built on sex? If it feels this good, it can’t be bad, right? Tenten never had a mother to talk about these things with.</p><p>Sai mutters, “bedroom” into her mouth, and she nods as he breaks away from her. She follows him through the door, and into his room. His bed is on a frame, unlike hers. There are book shelves, a dresser, a bedside table on either side. Sai lives like a real adult. He turns back to look at her, and as she makes eye contact with him, she begins to unbutton her blouse.</p><p>“It’s silk,” she says, and he nods. She lives like a serial killer but she knows how to take care of her clothes. Sai takes her shirt, and puts it on a clothes hanger, leaving it on the hook outside his closet. He then takes off his own shirt, as she works on her pants.</p><p>He turns his back to her, and her heart jumps up in her throat when she remembers that he is one of those special people with dimples on either side of his spine. She steps out of her pants, leaving them on the floor, and pads towards him. She places her thumb over one dimple, and her ring finger over the other. He pauses, and looks over his shoulder.</p><p>“You’re special,” she whispers, “did you know that is what these mean?” Sai shakes his head.</p><p>“They are just indentations.” He breathes out.</p><p>“They are called the dimples of Venus.” She places a kiss between his shoulder blades. He stands there as she kisses all the way down his spine, where she then kisses each dimple. When she steps away, he turns around, luminous in the golden light coming through the window.</p><p>“That felt nice.” He murmurs. No one has touched him like that before, as if he deserved to be worshipped. Tenten smiles at him, her cantaloupe bra orange in the light, all peach and apricot. Sai wonders as he moves towards her, if she will actually cause a big mess, or if the world will be set back on its axis.</p><p>She unzips his pants and he lets them fall, before he moves to hover over her. Both times they have been together, they have been at her place. In Sai’s bed, she feels like he is everywhere. He smells clean and warm. It isn’t quite soap, and to be honest, it is impossible to describe the scent of an actual person. But as he leans down and she kisses her neck, a crystalline thought emerges: <em>this is home</em>.</p><p>She cracks herself open, and a part of her gushes when she feels his stomach move against hers. She kisses his neck while he fiddles with the clasp of her bra, to the point where he can feel her chuckle against his neck. Instead of feeling embarrassed it makes him smile, and when he finally undoes the clasp and she shrugs it off, he kisses her chin and she sucks in a breath.</p><p>They’ve had their tongues in each other’s mouths before, but they have never spent a whole hour just kissing, like they do now. Sai has flannel sheets for the cooler weather, and Tenten finds herself burrowing down into them, trying to bring him with her. Kissing is fun, and Sai is her favourite person to kiss, but she has never done this kind of kissing before: the kind that feels more intimate than sex itself.</p><p>She sighs into his mouth, finally ready. She tilts her hips up, helping him remove her underwear. He moves to put his head between her legs, but she shakes her head and calls him up and over her. Her breath is a distinct one-two beat, and on the second count he moves in and they are once again together. She makes a noise in the back of her throat, and for a second he is concerned that maybe he moved too fast and hurt her. No, his mouth was just too far from hers. They are going to walk into work with bruised lips and everyone is going to know.</p><p>But that knowledge will only be abstract. No one will know this: the honey and the amber and Sai’s clean scent hitting the back of her throat. The fluttering that starts in her stomach, moving up into her chest but also, somehow, moving lower, past her stomach as she clenches herself around him. No one will ever know, not like they do.</p><p>Sai wants to take back what he thought earlier, about time being a flat circle. He thinks it must be true, because he never wants to leave this moment, with Tenten wrapped around him and the golden light shining around them. Knowing that there will always be a <em>them</em>, flushed together, makes life worth it. By this sense of time, they were already here before they were born. Destiny isn’t something Sai has ever put faith in, but as her hand runs up his side he finds himself reconsidering a whole lot of things.</p><p>Tenten knows she isn’t going to come, but she still clamps around him, enjoying being close. They had been <em>close but far,</em> all afternoon, and she was happy that they were making up for lost time. Sai kisses the sweat on her jaw, and she melts into him even more. When he buries himself for the final time, she exhales, like the impact forces the air from her lungs. She whimpers. He kisses her temple, an apology. Tenten sighs again, content. </p><p>Sai reluctantly pulls away, and sits on the edge of the bed. He puts his head in his hands, trying to still the buzzing in his head. The bed shifts as she sits up. “Sai?” her voice is quiet.</p><p>“Yes?” he turns to look at her. He doesn’t know why, but seeing her naked makes his throat lock up. Her beauty is warmth, tenderness. She is vulnerable to world, but she also welcomes the world’s softness. Sai feels like he is inside the moment right before something blooms.</p><p>“I’m cold.” She says quietly. He blinks for a second, looking out the bedroom door before turning back to her.</p><p>“Are you hungry?” Sai stands up, and walks to his dresser. He pulls out the third drawer, and finds Tenten a sweater. It had belonged to Sakura’s father, and it was too big for Sai. It is a cotton pullover, navy. He hands it to her, and Tenten pulls it over her head without answering his question.</p><p>“Kinda.” She replies. She is hungry, but would also be more than content to burrow next to Sai like she did last night. He pulls on a clean pair of underwear, and picks up his phone.</p><p>“The pasta will take a while,” he swipes it open to the recipe Sakura gave him. “Apparently the shallots have to cook down until they are jammy.” Sai looks up at her. He is confused, because she is smiling like an idiot.</p><p>“What’s so funny?” Sai really hopes that he isn’t the butt of a joke. She shakes her head.</p><p>“I just love the way you say ‘jammy.’ It’s cute.” She stands up, and walks over to him. The sweater falls just below the top of her thighs. He stares at her legs.</p><p>“Jammy?”</p><p>“Yes, just like that.” She stands before him, and he bops one of her hair buns.</p><p>“What is so endearing about how I say ‘jammy’?” Sai has never received this kind of compliment.</p><p>“It sounds warm, the way you say it.” Tenten pauses. “Cozy. It makes my insides melt.” He snorts, but it is the kind of compliment that makes Sai feel floaty. It strikes him that he felt like he did when she kissed his back. He was unaware that he was this likeable. It had honestly never occurred to him that it was possible for someone to adore him. He always saw himself as attractive, <em>sure</em>—but Sai never thought of himself as someone who was worth much. He just went with what the world gave him; it had never occurred to him that the world would give him this much.</p><p>Tenten is still smiling at him, and Sai nods his head again. “Time to make some jammy shallots,” he says, and she stands on her tiptoes so that she can kiss the corner of his mouth.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Something that Sasuke has noticed in passing is that Hinata eats a lot of food. She eats almost as much as she fucks, which is a lot. Her appetites surpass his own, if he were to be honest. He thinks it’s cute, that someone so quiet would turn out to be such a horny glutton. He takes endless delight in being the only one to know the full truth of Hinata. Sometimes he will be eating, and he will think of the way she devours her food when no one is around to judge her. It is safe to say that they have reached the point in their relationship where he doesn’t count as a someone. He once walked in to the kitchen to her eating a peach over the sink, juice running down her chin. Like, she was so hungry that she didn’t bother doing anything to minimize the mess. She smiled at him, but she didn’t bother trying to eat prettily, the way she does in front of everyone else. He even kissed her sticky chin after, that’s how cute he thought it was.</p><p> He woke up in a good mood this morning. Sex against the counter top and a beer <em>and</em> ten hours of sleep probably did it. <em>This is the only way to live</em>. Getting out of bed, he shakes out his head and stands up. Stretching out his arms, Sasuke walks out of the bedroom and into the kitchen, to see Hinata pacing with something tucked in her underarm.</p><p>There are two plates on the counter, each with a butter croissant on them. Sasuke isn’t partial to pastries, but he likes these well enough, and Hinata likes to do special things for them on the rare occasions she and him are going in to work at the same time. He approaches the counter, silent. She is pacing, like Neji, and they have the same frown when they are particularly impatient. Hinata’s is cuter, but the resemblance is still uncanny.</p><p>When she turns to see him, she offers a weak smile. “Surprise,” she says. He blinks, and walks over to the cup of coffee she left for him.</p><p>“You didn’t need to do this,” he picks up the mug. “I like making breakfast.” It is actually his favourite meal. Hinata frowns.</p><p>“But I wanted to enjoy our morning together.” She says, “I even bought the other newspaper too, so you could have a choice in crossword puzzles.” It is the local paper. He prefers the national one. Hinata’s father had called it bird cage litter, and Sasuke doesn’t disagree. The crossword probably wouldn’t be much better, but it is sweet that she thought of him. He picks up the newspaper, and looks at the table of contents for the crossword. While he does that, he figures he should probably ask what she is holding.</p><p>“What have you stuffed into your armpit?” Sasuke doesn’t look up, trying not to smile.</p><p>“Butter,” Hinata replies. Sasuke looks up at her, and blinks.</p><p>One of her quirks is that she hates how butter looks when left on the counter, the way some people hate how mayonnaise looks in the jar. But, Hinata likes butter on all sorts of things, including croissants. So, she always keeps it in the fridge, but whenever she needs to spread it on something soft, like a croissant, she has to warm it up or it will tear apart the thing she is trying to eat. It doesn’t help that she is usually pretty hungry when she decides to do all of this.</p><p>Besides the mystery of where all that food goes, he doesn’t understand how she can have such a visceral reaction to something, yet still want to eat it. He breaths in, and pinches the bridge of his nose.</p><p>“Why didn’t you leave it on the counter when you left this morning?” Sasuke asks. He turns his attention back to the paper. The crossword is tucked at the back, with the comics, so he can skip all the boring news pieces and predictable editorials. He can hear her frown.</p><p>“Butter is gross when it is left out.” She replies like it is obvious. Her nose wrinkles, making him snort.</p><p>“You eat it when it is soft like that,” he points out, “besides, we could be eating now instead of me watching you walk around with butter in your armpit.” She makes a noise, and he can tell she has a response ready for him.</p><p>“It is in a Tupperware container!”</p><p>“That you are holding in your armpit.” He blinks at the time. It is 7:15 AM. They have to be out the door in an hour. His stomach is beginning to rumble. “Can’t you put it in the microwave?” Hinata gives him a defeated look.</p><p>“I never time it right,” she sighs, “I always end up melting it.”</p><p>“We could microwave the croissants,” he says, “then let the butter sit on them and warm up.” Hinata tilts her head, thinking about it. She ends up shaking her head, and he knows that it because it wouldn’t be the same.</p><p>He turns his attention to the crossword, and pulls out a pen. He can tell that this is one of those issues where one of them is going to be really stubborn and the other just has to drop it. Does he think all of this is excessive? Yes, he really does. But there is no harm in indulging her. He quickly fills in the words he knows. When he hits a clue he doesn’t know, he speaks.</p><p>“Hinata,” he begins, “Ten letters. A beautiful lady and a deadly plant.”</p><p>“Belladonna.” Hinata doesn’t miss a beat. She takes the plastic container from under her armpit, and after looking at it, decides it is warm enough to spread. She walks around the counter, picks up a knife and begins to spread butter on their respective croissants.</p><p>“I can do that myself.” He says, putting his crossword down. She shrugs.</p><p>“I like taking care of you.” She replies, “it makes me feel useful.” He gives her a look.</p><p>“You don’t have to take care of me,” his voice is soft, “I don’t expect that from you.” She finishes, and passes his plate to him.</p><p>“We were raised by wolves,” she begins, “and wolves take care of each other. Even if they don’t need to.” She shrugs, “it’s who we are.” Her voice is quiet, as she spreads the butter on her own pastry. He nods, and starts to eat.</p><p>“This is nice,” he says, mouth full. “Thank you.” She smiles at him, licking some butter off her thumb. He looks at the flowers on the counter, and he thinks about how he would like to do something like that for her. Ino was right; Hinata is too pretty not to get flowers. <em>Soon</em>, he thinks, stuffing pastry in his mouth<em>. Soon</em>.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>One of their long-standing rituals is to get breakfast together at least once a week. Tenten will usually order something greasy, and Neji will order something relatively healthy. However, he always seems to find a way to swipe a piece of bacon from her plate.</p><p>He holds the bacon between his thumb and pointer, and he chews on it thoughtfully. Like Hinata, Neji only lets his bestial side show with those he is absolutely comfortable with. Tenten knows she ought to be flattered, but he took the piece she had been eyeing for herself. He swallows the food in his mouth, tilting his head.</p><p>“You’re scowling.” He says, taking another bite.</p><p>“I wanted that piece of bacon, “she says, stabbing her fork into a pancake. He smirks.</p><p>“You’re always telling me to indulge more often,” he replies, “you never said anything about when. Besides,” he smirks, in anticipation of her reaction, “I thought you would be in a better mood, now that you’re with Sai.” Tenten, accustomed to his baiting, keeps chewing her food. She swallows loudly.</p><p>“I have no idea what you are talking about,” she says. Neji rolls his eyes, picking at his eggs.</p><p>“You aren’t subtle.”</p><p>“Sasuke said that to me yesterday in the elevator,” she replies, “before I ruined his good mood.” Neji’s lips quirk.</p><p>“He was in a good mood?” Neji has never taken the time to think about the emotional life of Sasuke, or, well, anyone other than Tenten or Hinata or Hanabi. That’s only because those three always come to him with their problems. He likes to think that he does nothing to solicit it.</p><p>“Yes. He joked about murdering kittens.” She stuffs some more pancake in her mouth. Neji simply nods.</p><p>“That’s our Sasuke.” He says sagely. He pops a berry into his mouth, and feels the juice pop with each bite he takes. How did you ruin his good mood?” Tenten puts a hand over her mouth, pausing. After she swallows, she answers.</p><p>“I poked a tender spot.” She feels a little bad for putting Sasuke on the defensive. “I was irritated that he brought up Sai.” She thought they would at least have a few weeks before Sasuke and Neji would start talking about it.</p><p>“Oh. You brought up Hinata, didn’t you?” Neji puts some egg in his mouth, and Tenten’s jaw hangs open. He blinks at her, while she tries to recover the use of her jaw.</p><p>“You <em>know</em>?” she asks, “how?” Neji shrugs.</p><p>“I can tell by the way he looks at her. It’s cute that they think they are subtle.” Neji picks at the eggs on his plate. “Don’t worry, I think you and Sai are cuter.” He can’t contain his smirk, and she thinks about punching him.</p><p>“What do you think of it?” Neji looks up, thinking about his response.</p><p>“It’s not my business.” He says, “but I’m happy if you and Hinata are happy.” Tenten smiles. For all his efforts to purposefully alienate those around him, Neji has a sweet side. He doesn’t show it very often, but it is there. Neji wasn’t paying attention to her, but when he sees her smile, his brows furrow.</p><p>“Why are you so happy?” Neji asks.</p><p>“Oh,” she says, “just enjoying young love in the spring time of my youth.” He narrows his eyes.</p><p>“I don’t believe you.”</p><p>“What happened to being happy if I was happy?” Tenten smirks. Neji frowns.</p><p>“It’s different when you grin at me like that.” He replies, “your impression of Guy and Lee is chilling.” She shrugs, eating another piece of pancake.</p><p>“Well, I was wondering if you were going to find someone.” Tenten puts her chin on her hand. “You know, there would be a nice symmetry if everyone on the team was in love.” Neji snorts.</p><p>“I have my plants and all the books I want to read,” he says dryly, “which I would have read if you and Hinata gave me the time to do so.” He sits back, crossing his arms. “If anything, I will get a chance to know actual peace.” Tenten frowns.</p><p>“I don’t like the idea of you being alone.” She says softly. Neji sighs.</p><p>“Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I am alone.” He puts some egg in his mouth, chewing thoughtfully. “Knowing you and Hinata, I will forever be subjected to litany of social obligations.” Neji says this softly, so she knows that while he appreciates her concern, he is actually very happy being single. She smiles at him, and plays with her pancake.</p><p>“Neji?” Tenten asks.</p><p>“Yes?” he replies.</p><p>“I’m inviting you to every birthday party I will ever have.” She smiles, and she feels even better when she gets him to laugh.</p><p>“I’m counting on it, Ten.” His real smile comes out, and it makes her warm inside.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Her absolute favourite chore, if asked, is folding laundry, fresh from the dryer. Hinata likes how warm it all feels. It sends a shiver up her back, that’s how much she likes it. She gets back into her apartment, pushing the door open with her foot.</p><p>It is early evening. The sky is blue, with the faintest orange sheen. Sasuke sits on the couch, working on the crossword puzzle from this morning. He has the radio on, so he can listen to the news. Apparently the crossword in the local paper is more difficult than the national one. She can tell from the smile on his face that he is enjoying the challenge. Hinata smiles to herself. She likes seeing him happy.</p><p>He looks up and nods, acknowledging her presence. Walking across her apartment, she holds her laundry basket out and away from her. Hinata stops over him. She hums, and he looks up. She lifts the basket up, up over her head, and dumps the laundry on him. He holds the paper out of the way, but he doesn’t move. Sasuke likes how it feels too, and it has been awhile since they spent time together like this.</p><p>One thing that Sasuke shares with Shikamaru is that Hinata gets the distinct sense that they are both at a point in life where they are ready to cruise and wait to die of old age. Ino always complains about how Shikamaru is set in his ways, even though Hinata knows for a fact that Ino likes it. Whatever, the point is this: Hinata can empathize with having a partner who is content to plateau. Hinata likes being secure, but she is too young to feel settled.</p><p>“My dad listens to the radio.” She clears a spot at the other end of the couch, and sits down. She puts the basket in front of her.</p><p>“Call me daddy,” he smirks, not looking up from his puzzle.</p><p>“Gross,” she sighs. She hears him snicker, but she ignores it. She begins separating the laundry, between his and hers. Sasuke is quiet, and for the next ten minutes, they listen to a special report on issues at the border. He bites his lip and sucks in. They haven’t really spoken about his mission, and what it means for their relationship. It was the first time he came home with something other than a bruise or scratch. He can tell that she didn’t like it. He never doubted that she loves him, but if he did, the look on her face when she walked into the hospital room would have been enough to shatter any doubt or suspicion to the contrary.</p><p>He has never thought about it before, but Sasuke wants to know what love means for Hinata. They don’t usually talk about heavy things, but he is beginning to feel, well, curious about how she sees the world. His therapist is always telling him to have these kinds of conversations with her, to make himself explicitly open and vulnerable to her, to share his feelings with words instead of sex. Sasuke taps his pen against the paper, and then looks at Hinata.</p><p>Hinata is a spectral kind of pretty. Like Kurenai, she has a way of searing herself to your optic nerve so that you will always see her on the back of your eyelids. She has a gentle smile, but under her kind demeanour, her beauty haunts, in the sense that it demands attention. He was screwed as soon as their eyes locked over that file seven months ago.</p><p>“What do you think about love?” Sasuke asks. Hinata turns to him, blinking. He has never asked her this kind of question before. She thinks about it for a moment, turning to look out the window.</p><p>“Love?” Sasuke can tell by the hesitance in her voice that he needs to clarify his question.</p><p>“Do you think love can make someone a better person?” eyes unblinking, he waits for her answer. She looks at him with <em>hmmmm</em>. It makes his palms sweat. He doesn’t like this kind of vulnerability. It’s one thing to say <em>I love you</em>. It is completely different to ask someone what they think about it as a concept. What if they have radically different views? Fuck, he doesn’t even know what he thinks about love. He can’t even contribute to the conversation.</p><p>“I love you the way you are,” Hinata replies. “If I didn’t like you as a person, I wouldn’t love you.” She returns to the laundry, folding one of his t-shirts.</p><p>“The only other people who love me like that are my dead family and Team Seven.” He pauses, “I don’t really know if Sai even likes me.” Hinata clucks in response.</p><p>“Sasuke, he loves you.” Hinata throws his shirt onto the pile, before picking up a pair of her underwear.</p><p>“How do you know?” Sasuke blinks. Hinata smiles to herself.</p><p>“You wouldn’t spend so much time with someone unless you really care or are being paid.” She pauses, “you two are brothers and Sakura and Naruto are your inept but well-meaning parents. It creates a bond, or at least, that’s how I think about it in my own head.” She moves like a bird, delicate and graceful, even when folding laundry. Her arms peck at the pile, and folding each piece of clothing in one smooth motion.</p><p>“We are paid to hang out,” he replies. Hinata sighs.</p><p>“Why can’t you accept that people love and care about you?” she asks. “You always think that there is some hidden motive.”</p><p>“Ask my therapist. I am <em>sure </em>that she has a few theories.” Despite herself, Hinata smiles at his joke. It is how he knows that she understands that he finds being open for too long draining and near intolerable. But he wants to try a little longer, just to see if he can do it.</p><p>“People love me, but you do it the best,” he smiles at her.</p><p>“The best?” she smiles, picking up one of her t-shirts. She folds it carefully, and Sasuke looks at the way she tucks the arms under the shirt.</p><p>“Yep.” He pauses, “like, I could be hit in the head with a rock and forget who I am and you would still love me.” Another beat. “Well, you and Naruto. Sakura and Sai would probably stick around too. But I love you all that much too.” He frowns at his own rambling. “Whatever, the point is that I never question your love for me, and that is a step I could never have taken if not for you.” Sasuke looks back at his crossword puzzle, and Hinata pauses, smiling at him. He really has come a long way from when they first fell together.</p><p>“I will always love you,” she says quietly. Sasuke looks at her, and nods.</p><p>“I will always love you, too.” He pauses, “do you think I do a good job, of loving you?” Hinata blinks at him. The question takes her aback. She doesn’t always know what goes on in his head, but she never really imagined that he thought, consciously, about how to love her.</p><p>Hinata had grown up in a frigid household, so she knows what it is like to grow up without love. She has never questioned Sasuke’s feelings. They are evident in all the little things he does, like the way he loads the dishwasher, and how he touches her elbow when he comes up behind her. It’s definitely in the way they have sex; the way he breathes in her ear, how his hand rests on her back.</p><p>His love is expressed in actions rather than words, and how he navigates the world with her. In short, this question has come out of the blue. “What do you mean?” Hinata asks. He tilts his head.</p><p>“I equate love with care. I try to show it in my actions.” He sucks on his lower lip. “You do a good job of caring for me—I never doubt you. I’m just curious if I am any good at returning that care.” He taps his pen against the paper. <em>One, two, three</em>. “You would tell me if there was something I was missing, right?”</p><p>The look on his face is uncertain. His mouth is scrunched, and his eyes are worried. She never thought someone would ever love her enough to ask her if they were doing an okay job—in fact, she never even thought it was a possibility. She is so surprised, and delighted, that she doesn’t even think to mention the fact that she wants their relationship to be public.</p><p>“There is nothing missing,” she says, “but I will tell you if that changes.” She smiles. His lopsided grin comes out, and she thinks that they will be okay. She keeps looking at him, even when he turns his attention back to the paper. He knows, and he can’t keep the dumb grin off of his face.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Here is chapter four: I hope you like it! Sai is reading "Call Me By Your Name" by Andre Aciman (of course), Sasuke's favourite book is "Near to the Wild Heart" by Clarice Lispector, and someone was trying to get Sai to watch True Detective. He did not. </p><p>Stay safe in the age of COVID-19.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. A Plateau</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A cactus, several dirty dishes and a life without furniture.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em>“All I want, all I need, all I see is just me and you”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ariana Grande, “Everyday”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It has been ten months, two weeks and three days since Sasuke and Hinata first got together. They were in the same social circle, but they had never spoken directly. They were always at the same parties, but their paths never crossed. Sasuke wonders why he didn’t see her sooner; how could the heat between them have been missed? Hinata points out that it is probably because the people around them are so distracting. They just never got a good look at the other, that’s all.</p><p>He is sitting on the couch, chin on his hand, looking out the window of her living room. She is in the bathroom, showering. The sky is purple, and he frowns while he thinks about the first time he and Hinata met, properly. He had been sent by Neji to deliver an intelligence report directly to Ibiki. With his mask on, Sasuke had entered the office, to find Ibiki in the corner reading another file. Hinata was there, and Ibiki motioned for her to take the report from Sasuke.</p><p>She put her hand out, and he looked at her milky palm, and the way it spread out to her fingers, the skin of her wrist. When he finally looked up into her eyes, he realized the she was looking right at him. There is no other way to put this: when their eyes locked, a moment of heat passed between them. It is both cliché and frustratingly simple. They looked at each other, and the only thing to say was <em>yes</em>. He backed out of the office, and turned to walk down the hall.</p><p>Sasuke had been prepared to forget it, but when he heard footsteps behind him, he smiled, knowing he wasn’t going to have to. “Snake!” Hinata called out. He stopped, and simply turned around. Still walking, she activated her byakugan. If his identity surprised her, she didn’t show it. Her lips twitched up, and when the vessels around her eyes receded, she smiled fully.</p><p>He doesn’t know what possessed him to do this, since it broke the cardinal rule of Anbu, which is to keep your identity a secret at all times. Putting his hands behind his head, he undid the straps of his mask, and then took it off. They looked at each other, entranced.</p><p>“I am off work at seven,” Hinata spoke first. “We should go get a drink.” Sasuke nodded his head.</p><p>“I’ll come get you then.” He replied, before putting his mask back on. He turned around and walked away, and he felt her eyes on his back the whole way down the hall.</p><p>He had picked her up, and they planned to go to a bar by her house. But at some point, it all erupted and they stumbled into her apartment, his hand on her hips and her muttering <em>you’re so handsome</em> into his ear. She pressed her palms to the counter in a position of submission, her back exposed and bare to him. He gave and she received.</p><p>Now, ten months, two weeks and three days later, he sits on her couch, thinking about how she was the only non-Anbu who saw him both shed and become Snake. She knew the secret of his transformation. He had trusted her from the very beginning. Taking his mask off had been stupid, and reckless, and she already knew who he was. But for some reason, he wanted her to see his face when he looked at her. He wanted her to see the effect she had on him, not simply feel it. A feeling is subjective, and can be dismissed. To see something before one’s eyes is to know that it is real.</p><p>Their relationship is a secret for three reasons. The first, and least important, is that it is fun to sneak around. The second is Hinata’s nosey clan. The third, and most significant, is that Sasuke really, really, <em>really</em> values his privacy. Since he was twelve years old, everyone has wanted a piece of him. They see a weapon, a thing—not a person. He had become so used to it, that Sasuke doesn’t feel comfortable with the vulnerability of being human. He doesn’t want people to see him as anything else but a tool, because he doesn’t want to show weakness.</p><p>He loves Hinata, and he trusts her more than Naruto. But he doesn’t trust the world, and he isn’t ready to entertain the idea of being open to it. But he knows that they are reaching the point in their relationship where they will want to start a life together. He never thought he would be happy, or worthy of love, and on his worst days, he still doesn’t, but here he is on Hinata’s couch, loved.</p><p>He frowns to himself, and decides to stop brooding. He is trying to focus on the <em>now</em>, instead of obsessing over the past or fixating on the future. He looks to the bathroom, and sees her come out, hair wet and in one of those tiny nightdresses she sometimes wears. She holds a cotton pad in her hand.</p><p>“Do you want to watch a movie?” Sasuke asks, trying to sound like he hasn’t been stuck in his head for the last ten minutes. She walks over to him, shaking her head. Without a word, she climbs onto his lap, and he lets her.</p><p>“What’s that?” he eyes the cotton pad in her hand.</p><p>“It’s toner,” she replies, beginning to wipe it across his face. He frowns, but he doesn’t pull back.</p><p>“Why are you rubbing it on my face?”</p><p>“It is to make you feel refreshed.” Every so often, Hinata will do these little, somewhat annoying things to demonstrate how much she cares for him.</p><p>“Refreshed?” he grumbles, putting his arms around her, scooting her towards him.</p><p>“I’m keeping you beautiful.” Finished, she tries to get up to throw the cotton pad out, but Sasuke doesn’t let her.</p><p>“If I recall, you already think I’m handsome—that’s what you told me on our first date.” Hinata scrunches her face. Yes, she is keenly aware of the way his stubble felt when she told him that he was handsome. But he is so much more.</p><p>“You looked distracted,” she whispers, “I wanted to get your attention.” He smirks at her admission.</p><p>“You could have just asked,” he replies, “there will never be a time when I won’t happily let you sit on me.” He kisses her first, and she squeaks, pulling away.</p><p>“What about this?” Hinata holds up the cotton pad. He blinks.</p><p>“What about it?”</p><p>“Don’t you want me to throw it out?” Hinata asks, “you are a neat freak.”</p><p>“Hinata,” he replies, “I can prioritize. You, on my lap, is more important than a used cotton pad.” He pauses. “If it really bothers you, put it on the coffee table and I will throw it out as soon as we are done.”</p><p>“It doesn’t bother me at all,” Hinata turns and leans over to set it down on the coffee table. “It is you I am worried about.” She laughs at the groan that comes out of the back of his throat. She tosses the cotton pad on the table, and turns back to him. She puts a hand on either side of his face, and pulls him towards her. He can feel her smile as he pulls her nightdress up and over her hips.</p><p>“Not very patient, are you?” Hinata’s voice is quiet, whispering right into his mouth. If he could put the words she speaks into his mouth, he would suck on them. Sasuke would save each word, and put them in one at a time, savouring the silver of her voice.</p><p>He kisses her, and puts his fingers against her. Her tongue in his mouth, his hand in her hair. The clock going tick-tock, a dreary metronome. Moving onto his hand, she tilts forward, as if to devour him. Sasuke thinks <em>consume me, take it all</em>. She tastes like toothpaste, the cinnamon kind. He likes the tang it leaves on his tongue. Hinata pulls away and he whines in response.</p><p>“Off,” she mutters, pulling the violet cotton over her head, letting it fall behind them. She then pulls on the bottom of Sasuke’s shirt, yanking it up, up and off.</p><p>“It’s off now,” he says into her mouth, and she nods. She reaches for his hand, but he is faster, and then it is one, two fingers <em>in-out-in-out</em>, and the callus on his thumb against her clit. <em>No one else has a callus like that</em>, she thinks, saying a silent thank you to whoever first had Sasuke pick up a katana.</p><p>In a few minutes, he feels her whine against him, and he puts his teeth against her throat. “Come”, he mutters, “do it.” Feeling his teeth and not wanting this to stop, Hinata closes her eyes and thinks of an appropriate response.</p><p>“Say please.” She breathes out, looking right into his eyes. Black, like deep outer space. Full of life, possibility. The place where the world began, its cradle and grave. He has beautiful eyes. <em>Does he know</em>, she wonders, <em>that the entire universe is contained in his eyes?</em> She could stare into his eyes all day. She loves him so much, that all the clichés have become true. Her thumb rubs the soft skin of his under-eye, and he nods.</p><p>“Please,” he asks, “please come on my hand.” She nods.</p><p>“Okay.” Pressing his thumb closer, he feels her orgasm begin before her face screws up and she mewls out his name. To be honest, Sasuke gets almost as much pleasure from making her come this hard as he does from his own orgasm. Her flushed face and open mouth and the ugly things she says awake something primal in him, without fail.</p><p>Recovering, Hinata kisses his jaw, still on his hand<em>. Keep it</em>, he wants to say<em>, I will gladly spend the rest of our days with my hand inside you</em>. But she pulls away, sitting up. He reaches to unzip his pants, but she puts her small hand over him. Hinata shoots him a look, and he moves his hands away, in a position of surrender. She unzips his pants and gives him a stroke, her face thoughtful.</p><p>“Let me be the man.” She says. Sasuke blinks.</p><p>“The man?” he asks, trying to think while Hinata lines up with him.</p><p>“I want to be the one calling the shots.” She angles, sighs, and he is in. He hisses.</p><p>“I don’t make you do anything.” He rocks a little bit, and she sighs.</p><p>“I want to be in charge.” She replies, and he rolls his eyes.</p><p>“You are always telling me what to do.” He rocks again, and she smiles. It’s the same smile she uses when she is about to say something crazy; his personal favourite will always be the time when she screamed <em>fuck me like a whore</em>. That was a lot of fun.</p><p>“I want to feel like I’m doing—“</p><p>“The fucking?” Sasuke smirks, kissing her chin.</p><p>“Yes,” she sighs, rocking against him. He smiles, and releases his arms, sitting back.</p><p>“Have at her, then,” he grins. She leans forward and kisses him, and she begins to move as she always does. Sasuke, really, truly, would be fine with just going with it. But Hinata wants to do the fucking, and he doesn’t feel like she is inside him.</p><p>“I don’t think that’s how I do it.” He mutters into her mouth. She sighs.</p><p>“I can’t get inside you,” she pants, “you have an unfair advantage.” He snorts.</p><p>“It’s a mindset,” he replies, “make me feel like you are inside me.” Hinata pauses, before an absolutely rakish grin spreads across her face.</p><p>“Was that a request?” Sasuke is about to respond, but something changes between them. She begins slowly, like she is turning him inside-out. He swallows, and nods. Hinata smirks, while he tries to figure out what has changed between them.</p><p>Because he is still technically inside her, but it feels like she is in him, pushing something up and out of his throat. He bites on his tongue and leans back, looking at her. It’s not that he dislikes it—far from it. It just takes some getting used to. She smiles at his half-lidded eyes, and she tries to remember what he says to her.</p><p>“Is this right?” Hinata smirks, and it feels so good, he can’t even be mad at the expression on her face. If this is even a fraction of how he makes her feel, he is beginning to understand a lot of the things she says.</p><p>“This is the spot.” Sasuke grits out, and she smiles at him. She loves the way he fucks her, and she is simply trying to pay back the favour. She wants to make him feel full, like every cell in his body is about to burst, like a star is about to be born in each one. She wants him to feel like she does, when it feels like they are creating a universe together.</p><p>“How deep do you want me?” Hinata asks.</p><p>“<em>Deeper</em>,” he challenges her. She nods, like <em>okay sure thing</em>. The truth is that deeper won’t be enough. They both know this. She needs to hit the absolute limit, to reach the point where they fuse into one. She needs to drive them home. He is trusting her to do this for both of them.</p><p>Hinata feels herself beginning to sputter, and she can tell that he is close too. She is determined for him to come first, not just for her pride, but because she wants to prove that she can fuck him as well as he fucks her. His hand is under her thigh, and she knows he is going to leave a bruise. <em>Bruise me</em>, she thinks, <em>mark me, I dare you</em>. He presses his fingers into her flesh, and she bites her lip.</p><p>“Not deep enough?” Hinata asks. Her voice is breathy, and his heart catches in his throat.</p><p>“Almost,” he grins, “almost.” She nods, and picking up her pace, she moves just like he does, burying her face in his neck.</p><p>It hits him all at once, like she really has, somehow, bent time and space and has buried herself in him. He opens his arms, receiving the pleasure and the pain and her, her teeth biting his shoulder and her hands in his hair. He has never experienced this kind of absolute, bruising intimacy before. They clench around each other, and he wraps his arms around her like she does for him, welcoming her home. He kisses her temple and rubs her back, and eventually, she sits up.</p><p>She looks at his shoulder, and kisses the bite mark she left behind. She then turns to look at him. She searches his eyes, and he can see her hesitation.</p><p>“Did you—“</p><p>“Sure did.” He smiles, and she kisses him. He pulls his chin back, and looks into her eyes. “I feel like you are inside me all the time, but never like that.” She kisses him again.</p><p>“That is only a fraction of how you make me feel,” she whispers, “I was just imitating you.” Sasuke smirks.</p><p>“Perhaps the greatest tragedy in my life is that I will never experience what it is like to have sex with me.” Hinata snorts, moving off of him. This time, he winces when she pulls away.</p><p>“Yes, but you get to have sex with me,” she stretches her hands up to the ceiling, her a body a curved line. “I think that more than makes up for it.” Fixing himself, Sasuke zips up his pants as she bends over to pick up the cotton pad.</p><p>He watches her as she walks across the apartment to the garbage in the kitchen. The way her hips wiggle, the dimples on the backs of her thighs, that kind of thing.</p><p>“I really am lucky,” he says, and she turns around to look at him. She blinks at him, her mouth twitching.</p><p>“I’m luckier,” she says, turning to throw the cotton pad out. Sasuke rolls his eyes.</p><p>“Not possible,” he replies. She doesn’t say anything, so he knows she doesn’t agree, she has simply decided to let it go.</p><p><em>Hinata, Hinata, Hinata</em>. There is no way she knows this, and he thinks that she should never know this, but he likes repeating her name in his mind sometimes. On missions, at home, or out and about. Like a silent prayer, he thinks <em>Hinata, Hinata, Hinata</em>, and he is able to relax and focus. She isn’t a daydream, or an escape from reality. Rather, he invokes her name to help him concentrate, to keep him in the now and away from all the negative thoughts and self-recriminations that will plague him until his last breath.</p><p><em>Hinata, Hinata, Hinata. I don’t like to think about where I would be without you</em>.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>It has been three months. Sai and Tenten haven’t discussed exclusivity or anything like that. It simply doesn’t come up. It seems unnecessary, since they are together most of the time.</p><p>Take, for instance, this morning. When she is in the village, she goes jogging every other morning. Sai doesn’t join her, since he usually trains with Sasuke every day they are at home, but he will go to the park with her. He will sit on a bench and read or draw while she does her laps.</p><p>He looks up, watching her red face and bobbing head and steady gate. He looks back down at his drawing, and goes back to trying to recall what tigers look like. Unless they are at work, every time he looks at her, it takes him a second to remember what he was thinking about before. It was like this before they got together, it’s simply worse now. He finds it easier to focus at work because he is conditioned to become a different person when the mask is on.</p><p>He is in the middle of drawing a stripe when she jumps up onto the branch in front of him. Tenten has to grab him from falling over, and then she just kisses him and smiles. It is hard to get him to blush, but he does bite his lip, which makes her grin even more.</p><p>“C’mon, we got to go to work.” She hops off of the branch, waiting for him while he packs up his things. He moves smoothly, and she can’t keep the stupid grin off her face while she watches him</p><p>“I love you.” It falls out of her mouth, and when he looks down at her, she moves her mouth like a goldfish. Sai smiles to himself, and with all his things packed, he swings his leg over and jumps down. Sai nods, takes her hand in his, <em>like I know</em> and says “I love you too.”</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Everyone has their own quirks. Hinata grew up with particular people who were used to everyone indulging their weird habits. It prepared her to live with Sasuke. He isn’t a dictator like her father, but he has a way in which he likes to live.</p><p>Sasuke has a very particular way in which he loads the dishwasher. Hinata is used to tossing knives blade down and stacking the dishes in whichever way was easiest. But Sasuke insists on a very particular method: all the utensils have to be up, while only dishes that can be placed so that they are straight up, can be on the bottom, so that the water can reach the dishes on the top rack.</p><p>Hinata watches him load the dishwasher, sipping a cup of coffee as he goes.</p><p>“Would you like help?” she asks. He shakes his head, quiet. Hinata looks over at his crossword, and she makes a mental note to buy him a book so he can do them on the road.</p><p>It’s a recurring joke, that no one really knows what she and Ino do all day, but they all know that inflicting irreversible psychic trauma is big part of the job description. Today, she and Ino re-interrogated the nin who hit Sasuke in the head three months ago. Hinata thought she was able to finally control her emotions, but the fucker hadn’t yet learned that Sasuke was off-limits and when she said <em>it was fun cracking Snake in the head</em> Hinata hit so hard and quick that she coughed up blood and Ino had to talk her out of inflicting more damage.</p><p>She wants to ask Sasuke if wanting to completely destroy the woman who hurt him makes her a bad person. She doesn’t know how, so she just watches him load the dishwasher until she figures it out.</p><p>“Hinata,” he says, “did you see Ino today?” Hinata shakes her head, trying to forget how good it felt to hurt someone.</p><p>“I see Ino every day. Why?” Hinata takes another sip of coffee. Sasuke stands up and looks in the sink, frowning at a dirty plate.</p><p>“I’m trying to be an attentive boyfriend,” he drawls. “How is she?” Sasuke picks up the plate and uses his nail to chip away at some hardened food.</p><p>“She found an article that explains what Lilith means in your birth chart, and she convinced Shikamaru to finally try unsweetened dried mangoes,” Hinata looks up at the ceiling, wondering if she missed anything. “He agreed with us. Unsweetened dried mangoes are the best bulk food of all time.”</p><p>“Unsweetened dried mango?”</p><p>“Unsweetened is the secret,” Hinata replies. Where can she buy a book of crosswords? Maybe she should try and find a theme. Anything is possible on the internet.</p><p>“Do you and Ino just snack and talk about astrology all day?” Sasuke asks, picking up another plate. Hinata shrugs.</p><p>“Between torturing people.” Hinata gets up to get more coffee. Sasuke holds the plate up right to his face, his brow furrowed.</p><p>“So you <em>do</em> torture people.”</p><p>“I nailed the person who hit you in the head today,” Hinata pours the coffee into her cup. She puts the coffee pot back down and looks over at Sasuke, who is staring at her. “Why are you staring at me like that?”</p><p>“I didn’t think you would—“</p><p>“Care?” Hinata walks to the fridge, looking for milk. “I did not like seeing you in the hospital.”</p><p>“I didn’t think you would be so angry.” Sasuke replies. “I am the angry one.” Hinata finds the milk and unscrews the cap, keeping her back to him.</p><p>“I’m only angry if I think about it,” Hinata says quietly, pouring the milk into her cup. “That’s why I don’t think about it often.” Sasuke turns his gaze away, and puts the plate in his hands in the dishwasher.</p><p>“I understand.” He picks up a bowl from the sink. “I find that breathing in and out five times before I do anything helps.”</p><p>“Oh?” she replies, screwing the lid back onto the milk and putting it away in the fridge.</p><p>“Five is the perfect number,” he replies. “It buys you some time to calm down, but it’s not so long that the whole situation passes before you are ready to respond.” Sasuke puts the bowl onto the top shelf before closing the dishwasher. He washes his hands, while Hinata comes to stand beside him at the sink.</p><p>“You know what’s strange?” Hinata asks. Sasuke shrugs, because no, he does not know.</p><p>“As soon as she said your code name, I have never seen more clearly in my life,” Hinata drums her fingers on the countertop. “I didn’t even have to think about activating the byakugan. Suddenly I could see her chakra network and I hit the point that would hurt the most. I was angry, but very calm.” Hinata pauses. “Ino was pretty mad that I did that. I set the interrogation back a whole two weeks.” Sasuke looks out onto their living room. This is the first time Hinata has ever indicated that she has the capacity for brutality.</p><p>“You know,” he sighs, “that is a completely sane reaction.” He pauses, “wanting to hurt someone that hurt you or someone you love isn’t insane. You just shouldn’t do it, because revenge eats you up instead of hurting the other person.” Sasuke doesn’t want to mansplain. He just knows what it feels like to want to avenge someone.</p><p>Sasuke always knew that she had it in her. He just didn’t know that she loved him enough for her to seek revenge. Hinata is protective and loyal, but he had never pegged her for vengeful.</p><p>“Just take five breaths next time, Hinata.” Sasuke murmurs. <em>Just take five</em>.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Tenten has a large bachelor apartment. Sai sits with his legs tucked under him on her bed. He came here after visiting Sakura. He wears a turtleneck sweater Sakura made him buy for the cooler weather. It is black wool, and cozy. He has a banana in his hand, and he is staring off into the empty space of Tenten’s apartment.</p><p>She has a dresser, a queen bed, a few lamps, but nothing else. Her walls are white, and she has heavy, navy curtains to block out all the sun. Sai has never encountered anyone who lives this way. Even Sasuke has a table and chairs and a couch. Sai unpeels his banana, although he only goes halfway. He takes a bite, and chews with a thoughtful look on his face. Looking at the pale yellow inside of the peel, he pouts to himself.</p><p>Tenten is rinsing off a dish. As she dries the plate, she looks over her shoulder. Sai has this way of observing the world that makes you think that he isn’t paying attention, but then he can tell you every detail of the last hour, down to the dust floaters in the light. He is staring at a blank, white wall, eating his banana. He prefers to eat it with one hand, whereas she likes to tear off a chunk and pop it into her mouth to chew. It is a small difference but it speaks to his overall efficiency as a human being. He doesn’t like dirtying his hands.</p><p>Sai, like Neji and Sasuke, prefers whole snack foods that can be eaten with ease during travel. Tenten will eat whatever is put before her. Sai had a bad experience with Sakura’s food pills, and developed an aversion to them. Sasuke and Neji didn’t have an aversion, so much as a preference. Tenten smiles at him, before setting the plate on the drying rack.</p><p>Once it is set, she walks over to him. Sai turns to her, blinking. He takes a bite of banana as she sits down beside him. “Sai,” she says. He points at his mouth, and she nods. “Sai,” she whispers, “why are you looking at the wall?” He blinks in response.</p><p>“I find empty space transfixing.” Sai blinks. “It is all possibility.” Tenten smiles, and she lies back on the bed. Sai switches the hand holding the banana, and puts his hand on her calf.</p><p>“I like that,” Tenten puts her hands behind her head, “all possibility.” Sai nods his head, before turning to look at her.</p><p>“Why do you not have any furniture?” Sai asks in his earnest way. She sighs. The truth is that she doesn’t really know how to settle into a place. This is the first place that was properly her own, and she just wasn’t sure what to do about it. Neither did she feel like she had to change anything. She liked things as they were: blank. Smooth, undifferentiated.</p><p>“I don’t really think I need it,” she replies, “it’s just me here.” Sai doesn’t look back. Instead, he frowns at the blank wall before him.</p><p>“Well, do you want to keep the colour?” Sai asks. Tenten hums, acting as if she is thinking about it, but they both already know she has no interest.</p><p>“I just…don’t see the point.” She replies.</p><p>“But you live here,” he says, “and the inside of your head isn’t a blank wall.” She blinks, and sits up beside him. She gives him a hard look, as he unpeels the rest of his banana.</p><p>“I’m not as expressive as you,” she mutters, “I like to keep some things to myself.” Sai doesn’t look at her, but he points to inside of the banana peel.</p><p>“You should look into a pale yellow.” He murmurs, “something cheerful, but not overpowering.” He stuffs the rest of the banana in his mouth, and stands up to throw out the peel as he chews.</p><p>She watches him walk over to the garbage, and she thinks about reiterating her disinterest in painting the walls. But at the same time, she doesn’t want him to feel like there is no space for him. She just…doesn’t want to change who she is. That’s why she doesn’t settle anywhere. If she doesn’t have a lot of things, she feels like she still has the independence to do as she likes.</p><p>It is hard to put those thoughts into words, so she keeps them to herself. Sai is coming back from the garbage, the banana swallowed.</p><p>She moves over so he can sit beside her, and they both stay quiet as he lies back on the bed. He stretches his arms out and she follows, and as they stare up at the ceiling the dead quiet becomes overwhelmingly loud.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes, Hinata will make up excuses to approach Sasuke at work. She does it more frequently now, but it is still a relatively rare occurrence. He is wearing his mask, arms crossed, standing outside of Shikamaru’s office. They all have to pick up guard duty, and he had mentioned it to her this morning. Which was probably against the rules, but, whatever.</p><p>He told her, so he clearly wanted to see her. She can tell by the way his shoulders relax when she comes into view. Ino had a file for Shikamaru, and Hinata has insisted on taking it to him. It took two seconds for Ino to figure out why, but all she did was smile and hand off the file.</p><p>Hinata walks right up to Sasuke, whose hands fall down to his sides. “Hi,” she says quietly. He nods in response. She goes to open the door, but she pauses. This is fun, but in all truth, she would prefer to just get lunch with him at work. It would be easier to plan, and it would spare her Ino’s smirk.</p><p>“When are we just going to tell people?” Hinata asks. Sasuke freezes, and for a second, she thinks he may be playing dumb.</p><p>“You want to tell people?” Sasuke has known this for a while now. But he is fixated on privacy, on protecting this one thing from the world. Hinata nods in response. “That’s necessary?” he whispers, and he watches Hinata frown.</p><p>People already know, or at least, suspect. But they both know that there is a huge difference between rumors and living, publically, as a couple.</p><p>“I want to start getting lunch,” she mutters, “when we are both at work. We don’t have to be in public or anything, but we’re normal.” She pauses, “we are a normal couple and I want to do normal couple things with you.” Sasuke nods, and for the first time, he turns to look at her.</p><p>“I have lunch in an hour.” Hinata smiles at him, and she knows he is smiling back.</p><p>“Meet on the roof?” she asks, taking a hold of the handle. He nods, and turns his head to look at end of the hall. She doesn’t touch him, but he sees her wiggle with excitement, which makes him smile.</p><p>When she steps into Shikamaru’s office, he is watching her from his desk, his head propped on a fist. “Ino told me you would be here in ten minutes.” He says dryly. She is only five minutes later then he expected her to be, but he knew who was stationed at his door. He and Ino had laughed about it on the phone. Hinata frowns.</p><p>“Things happen, Shikamaru.” She gives him the file, and he smirks.</p><p>“Things have a way of doing that,” he smiles at her flustered expression. “Tell Snake that he can take lunch now. Ino has decided to come up and harass me for an hour. No one will come and take me out while she is around.” He looks at the file, consciously avoiding eye contact. “If she’s at lunch, you are off too, isn’t that how it works?”</p><p>Hinata nods, both impressed and irritated by Shikamaru and Ino’s ability to meddle. Shikamaru looks her right in the eye. “Tell Snake he can leave when Ino shows up.” Hinata nods again, and heads to the door. Before leaving, she turns to Shikamaru, who is now engrossed in a file.</p><p>“Thank you.” She says quietly, and he smiles.</p><p>“He has been in a pissy mood all morning,” Shikamaru drawls, “I’m doing this for my own convenience.” Hinata rolls her eyes, and leaves the office.</p><p>When she gives Sasuke his instructions, she can tell he is smiling. <em>See you on the roof in ten</em>.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Working with Sai is different from how it used to be. Tenten finds herself watching him much more closely than she used to. Her purpose is to protect all members of the team. She isn’t supposed to get into direct combat. Rather, she surveys from above. She was always watching them.</p><p>Sai is different. He is more fluid and reactive than Neji or Sasuke, and he never betrays how much effort something takes, another thing that the rest of the team hasn’t learned. She watches him because he is beautiful.</p><p>But he was always that way. What has changed is that he is now the person she cares for, above all others. Falling in love has been fun, for the most part. But every time they are in danger, which is every mission, her heart constricts and she finds it hard to concentrate on anything but him.</p><p>She sits on a bench, waiting for Neji, brooding on this last point. She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, and she sighs.</p><p>Neji approaches her from the side. She has a cranky look on her face, which is just the way she looks when she is thinking about her self-perceived failings. Tenten has a competitive streak that few give her credit for. Neji would even go so far as to say that Sai and Sasuke are probably the only other people who know.</p><p>But Neji has noticed a change in her priorities. Before, she had wanted to prove that she was a competent member of the team. Lately, he has noticed that she and Sai have begun to cover for each other on missions. Just the other day, she broke formation to cover his back. It wasn’t technically against her role on the team, but Sai had it handled.</p><p>Then yesterday happened, and Sai had gone after a nin who she had seen coming. Neji didn’t say anything to either of them then, but it was becoming a problem. Neji frowns to himself. It’s not that he doesn’t worry for the team, because their safety is always on the forefront of his mind. He simply manages his anxiety by trusting the three of them to be alright. Neji doesn’t believe in much, but he does believe in his team’s ability to survive horrible odds. One must always have faith, and he does this to will their safety into existence.</p><p>Neji sits down beside her, and she turns to him. “I feel like I have been letting you down.” She says this before looking ahead, her chin on her hands. Neji frowns.</p><p>“You’ve never let me down.” He says, looking at her. “But you can’t keep compromising yourself on missions.” Neji sighs. Tenten looks to him, and unblinking.</p><p>“Letting something happen to him would be infinitely more compromising.” She rubs her jaw. “It’s not what you want to hear, but it’s true.” If anything were to happen to any of them, she would never forgive herself. But Sai? That would stop her heart dead. Protecting them was her way of proving herself. But it’s no longer about her own ego; it is now personally, intensely, like soul-level priority that he be alright. She knew it was the same for him when he put the tanto through the abdomen of someone she already saw coming.</p><p>Neji hadn’t said anything, but she can tell he is disappointed in her. He shifts in his seat, and looks out ahead rather than at her. “I am saying this as your squad leader: achieving the mission is the objective.” He turns, watching her nod with her eyes glazed over, unhappy with being lectured. Neji sighs, and allows himself to smile. “But as your friend, I’m happy for you.” Tenten’s eyes brighten, and she smiles at him. He hasn’t seen that look on her face in a very long time. “You really like him. I can tell.” Neji thinks it’s cute. He doesn’t really believe in love, or soul mates, but it is sweet to watch Hinata and Tenten delude themselves. He used to worry that they would martyr themselves for him, that they would insist on being alone like he is.</p><p>Watching them fall in big deep love makes him happy, because neither Tenten or Hinata are built to be alone like he is. He always found people overwhelming, like, on a sensory level. Besides, Neji has a whole stack of books he wants to read, and with Hinata and Tenten occupied, he is finally making headway, so much so, that he has begun buying books again.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>It is inevitable that you will pick up the habits of the person you work with every day. Ino and Hinata have been working in an archive for the past two weeks. Hinata always brings snacks, and Ino chooses the music. Hinata always bring fruit and vegetables, at Ino’s insistence. Ino claims that while she may have the same appetite, she doesn’t have Hinata’s metabolism, which is why she has to be careful about what she eats.</p><p>For the last two weeks, they have only listened to Ariana Grande. Ino’s hair is growing back, so when she whips her hair over her shoulder, it nearly hits Hinata if she is standing too close. Hinata thinks it is sort of like working with a version of Ariana Grande. One who can’t sing, with a temper and a penchant for pharmaceutical grade stimulants, but a version nonetheless.</p><p>Hinata likes to listen to music when at home. Sasuke asked her why, and she replied that it is because she grew up inside such a quiet house. It is a way of asserting her independence. Sasuke had nodded and turned back to his crossword. She asked if it bothered him, and he replied no, he was just curious.</p><p>She and Ino had been listening to Ariana’s whole catalogue, in chronological order, over and over. Naturally, Hinata has become fixated. She has been listening to Grande off duty. It has been like this for a week, and Sasuke has said nothing. Actually, she has noticed that he will actually bop his head and hum along to the music. He has even muttered lyrics under his breath.</p><p>Sitting at the counter with his crossword, Sasuke bops his head in time to the beat, and hums along. Hinata watches him, smiling. <em>He really is cute</em>, she thinks to herself. He even taps his pen on the fruit bowl, and it is all on the same timing as his head bop and the beat of the song. After a few minutes, he looks up at Hinata, and their eyes lock.</p><p>“What?” Sasuke asks. Hinata giggles.</p><p>“You like Ariana Grande, don’t you?” Hinata manages not to laugh at the expression on Sasuke’s face. Don’t get it wrong, she likes Ariana Grande too. But the idea of the great Uchiha Sasuke, former fugitive, probable genius, deadly weapon Uchiha Sasuke, likes listening to someone as light and airy as Ariana Grande? That is pretty funny.</p><p>Sasuke blushes, keenly aware that his fearsome reputation would go down the drain if people found out that he even listened <em>thank u, next</em>, let alone had actual opinions on Grande’s body of work. Yes, Hinata has only been playing it for a week, but it is on all the time. Besides, Sasuke is a genius, he literally cannot turn his brain off. So yes, he has quite a few opinions on the evolution of Grande’s lyricism, but he will take them to the grave.</p><p>“You put it on!” He retorts. Hinata smiles.</p><p>“What’s your favorite song?” she asks, picking up her phone. He narrows his eyes.</p><p>“Who says I have a favorite song?” Sasuke replies. Hinata, over his posturing, rolls her eyes.</p><p>“You have a lot of preferences.” Hinata replies, “I just want to make sure we are listening to something you like.” Sasuke frowns.</p><p>“I’m a simple man.” His reply is cool and even. Hinata raises an eyebrow.</p><p>“You are one of the most complex people I know.” She volleys back. Sasuke puffs his cheeks and glowers into the middle distance. It’s how she knows that she has won.</p><p>“Be Alright.” He mutters. Hinata smiles, and puts it on for him. His expression softens when he turns to see how pleased she looks. It’s dumb, how much she wants him, a certified miserable person, to be happy. But it makes him feel warm, to know that someone wants something beyond his successful reintegration into society. She wants him to be <em>happy</em>, in whatever form that may take.</p><p>“What is your favorite song?” Sasuke asks. Hinata taps the counter with her pointer finger. He watches a thoughtful expression morph into a smirk. Now that he thinks about it, she probably picked up the habit from him.</p><p>“Into You.” She gives him a pointed look. He doesn’t miss a beat.</p><p>“I would have pegged you for ‘Moonlight.” He blinks, “it’s very…<em>you</em>.”</p><p>“What does that mean?” Hinata smiles, curious. He shrugs.</p><p>“It’s soft, sounds more innocent than it is,” he snickers, looking back down at the crossword.</p><p>“Is <em>Dangerous Woman</em> your favorite album too?” Hinata goes to open the fridge. Sasuke looks up at the ceiling, thinking.</p><p>“I guess.” His shrug is overly non-committal. He does this when he is trying to downplay how much he actually likes something. Hinata looks away from him, and into the fridge.</p><p>“It’s nice that we both agree on which album is the best one.” She takes out some orange juice.</p><p>“No,” Sasuke says in a bored tone, “<em>Sweetener</em> is objectively the best one. <em>Dangerous Woman</em> is just our favorite.” He gives her a pointed look. “Just because something is your favorite, doesn’t mean it’s the best. You should know this; you dated Naruto, and now you’re dating <em>me</em>.”</p><p>Hinata pulls out a glass, and she gives him a disappointed look. “You should stop being so hard on yourself,” she says, “or at least leave Naruto out of it.” She unscrews the cap, and pours the juice into her glass. It’s a glass tumbler, one of the nice ones for serving liquor. She screws the cap back on, and she turns to put the juice back into the fridge. “Besides, you two are the strongest in the village. No one would ever call either of you inferior.” Sasuke frowns, because that isn’t what he means.</p><p>“Look,” he sighs, “Sai is the real catch on Team Seven. He’s cute, he’s an artist, he is smart and he was never a fugitive.” Sasuke chews the lining of his cheek. “He isn’t charming or very funny, but he is a better person than I am.” Hinata closes the fridge door, and gives him a look.</p><p>“I don’t want Sai, or Naruto.” She pauses. “I want you.” She says this quietly, like there is something soft in her mouth.</p><p>“Your favorite isn’t always the best.” He replies, “case in point.” She frowns, and walks around the counter to embrace him from behind.</p><p>“I’m not a little kid,” he mutters, “you don’t have to baby me, or make me feel better. I’m not a good person.” Nonetheless, he leans towards her chest.</p><p>“You were a kid,” she murmurs, “you were just a kid. When are you going to see that?” Sasuke shrugs.</p><p>“I don’t know.” He replies, “Maybe never.” He pauses. “Is that okay?” Hinata puts her mouth against his shoulder.</p><p>“Define okay.” She feels the cotton of his shirt against her lips. The smell of his soap sits on her tongue.</p><p>“Well,” he begins, “will we be okay if I never get it?” Sasuke puts a hand over hers, and he leans forward, away from her. For a few seconds, she doesn’t really know what to say to him.</p><p>“I want you to be okay for you.” She continues, “You need to be okay for us.” Hinata squeezes his middle, “but, for what it is worth, I love you all the same. I just think you would find a lot of things easier if you could forgive yourself.” Hinata pulls away, allowing Sasuke to lean over the counter. He grabs her juice, and turns to pass it to her. She smiles as he holds it out to her. She takes the glass from him, and their fingers brush. He turns back to hunch over his crossword.</p><p>“Is that it?” Hinata asks. She laughs when Sasuke grumbles <em>I miss my mom, that’s all</em>. It makes sense; moms love you for who you are, even at your most lost and desperate and twisty. Your mother always loves you. Hinata loves Sasuke a lot, but she can’t give him the kind of cosmic affirmation that his mother could. Hinata laughs because of the grumpy way he says it. Both their mothers are dead. They are the only two people allowed to laugh at the ways in which they express how much they miss their moms.</p><p>She places a hand on his back, and he turns to look at her.</p><p>“I miss my mother, too.” Hinata says in her silk voice. She moves her hand up his back and onto the crown of his head, ruffling his hair. He presses his head into her hand, like a cat. She smiles, before pulling away. She hears him grumble again, and, knowing that he is alright, she goes over the couch to read the file she brought home from work.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Sai likes to watch movies, and Tenten likes to watch Sai. Luckily for both of them, he has a whole stack of movies he has been meaning to get through, and she is always invited to join him. She leans against the arm of the couch, her toes pointed at Sai’s hip. He will lean forward, with his elbows on his knees, concentrating on the television. He is someone who can completely block out everything else to focus on a movie.</p><p>Tonight, he is watching the movie adaptation of a book he had just read. It takes place on the Italian Riviera, and there is a lot of linen and cotton and bright, soft light. It’s a beautiful movie, but it is also deeply <em>boring</em>. Well, maybe boring isn’t the right word. It just doesn’t have a lot of action. So she goes back to watching Sai, but that only makes her feel restless, like her insides are being pricked with hot needles.</p><p>He always has a serene look on his face when he watches movies. She suspects that it is because he gets to watch people without the burden of having to interact with them. He has told her that he still finds it stressful to talk to unfamiliar people, even though he has been free of Root for nearly ten years. He said it wasn’t a problem when he was in Root. He only became self-conscious when he joined Team Seven, and began to care about the people around him. It was easy to glide through life without regard for other people. It is entirely different when you care about their feelings.</p><p>They sometimes talk about how they first met. Neither of them remembers, except that it must have been when Asuma was alive. Sai says he likes it that way, for it feels more organic to think that they had always been around each other, rather than the truth. Tenten feels the opposite. She wishes to remember what she thought when she first saw him. Sai replied that it clearly wasn’t much, which made her laugh, because look where they are now.</p><p>Looking at Sai, her insides prickling, she sits up. He doesn’t notice her. She reaches for the remote and hits the button with a big red square. Sai jumps, and looks over at her. He isn’t mad. He’s just curious.</p><p>“Why did you stop the movie?” Sai asks quietly, as if the movie were still playing.</p><p>“I wanted to ask if we could fool around,” she smiles, “but if not, I can just hit the play button.” Sai blinks at her.</p><p>“You stopped the movie to ask if we could make out?”</p><p>“Maybe more.”</p><p>“You stopped the movie to ask if we could make out and maybe more?” Sai’s voice is flat, but she can tell that he is amused by the look in his eyes.</p><p>“I thought it would be better to just stop it and ask rather than talk while you were watching the movie.” She remembers what Ino told her<em>: you are too pretty to be alone, and definitely too pretty to watch Sai watch movies all day</em>. From the look on Sai’s face, Tenten thinks there is a good chance that he and Ino may agree on this point.</p><p>In a minute, Sai stretches over her, a shield between her and the ceiling, her and the world. Tenten can fend for herself but she enjoys the feeling of being protected. She hasn’t told Sai, but it makes her feel infinitely more secure when he puts himself between her and everything else. She doesn’t think that he does it consciously, and she would never tell him that she likes it, but that doesn’t stop the trill that moves up her spine.</p><p>A faun leg hooks over his hip, and Sai presses down into Tenten. She is wearing that huge sweater he gave her when she first started staying here. She doesn’t wear anything else, and he can’t say that he is mad. They spend all their time together, but work doesn’t really count. They can’t be close like this, or curl together when they are out in the field. Part of it is because Neji and Sasuke are always around; it is also because they have to always be ready for danger. Being wrapped around Tenten floods all of his senses. Sai doesn’t know how she does it, but it’s like time stops and everything flows around them and, suddenly, hours have passed and he has no clue where the time has gone.</p><p>Tenten licks her upper lip before she kisses him. Sai thinks she has a really cute tongue, which he was going to say before she cut him off. He smiles into her mouth, and it makes her pull back. “Why are you smiling?” Tenten asks, but he just kisses her again. She drops it, running her hand through his hair. No, they definitely can’t do this at work. Sasuke and Neji would probably walk in on them, not only interrupting the fun but also giving them a lecture on professional behaviour. Well, that would be Neji. Sasuke would probably tell them to be better at not getting caught. The idea makes Tenten giggle, and Sai pulls back.</p><p>“Why are you laughing?” his face is blank, smooth. But there is a flush creeping up his cheeks, and his dark eyes look into her soul.</p><p>“I was thinking about how Neji and Sasuke would react if we did this at work.” Tenten had meant, of course, if she and Sai had snuck away, because under no circumstances, and she means absolutely none, would she ever, ever, <em>ever</em> want Neji and Sasuke to ever, in any way, be close to her and Sai. Tenten does not <em>share</em>. Sai gives her a look, and she realizes that she didn’t make it obvious that Sasuke and Neji weren’t a part of any weird fantasy.</p><p>“You were thinking about Neji and Sasuke walking in on us?” Sai tilts his head. Tenten starts blushing, like, Hinata red.</p><p>“No, not like <em>that</em>,” she sputters, “I mean, like, just the lecture they would give us like we are kids as if I’m not older than both of them.” Sai looks at her blankly, and she puts her head in her hands, embarrassed. Sai blinks, and then smirks.</p><p>“Ten?” He murmurs into her temple. She nods in response. “I don’t know if I believe you.” She moves her hands from her face, mortified.</p><p>“You better.” She gets up on her elbows so they are nose to nose.</p><p>“Or what?” Sai asks. Tenten sucks on her tongue, trying to think of something to volley at him.</p><p>“You just have to believe me.” Her eyes soften, and she puts a hand on his cheek. He stares at her mouth, but pulls back when she leans in.</p><p>“I don’t like that you were thinking of them.” Sai isn’t mad, or even remotely jealous. He thinks all of this is actually pretty funny. But she handed him an opportunity to tease her, so he will take it.</p><p>“I wasn’t thinking about them like <em>that</em>,” she hisses, “I don’t share.” Sai blinks.</p><p>“Share?” Sai tries not to laugh, “am I the one everyone is after?” Tenten looks up at him, with a big smile on her face.</p><p>“I am pretty possessive.” She says. Sai rolls his eyes.</p><p>“Well,” he starts, “either way, I was doing something wrong if they were on your mind.” Sai sits up and stands. She whines, sitting up. Sai kneels on the floor, and motions for her to open her legs to him.</p><p>“I wasn’t thinking about them like that,” she murmurs, as Sai looks up into her eyes.</p><p>“I am going to make you forget everyone but me.” Sai kisses the inside of her knee, and Tenten licks her upper lip again. Sai pushes the sweater back, exposing the softness of her lower belly, the faded marks from where her growth spurt hit.</p><p>“Sai, you don’t have to—“ a gasp interrupts her. She scoots to the edge of the couch, and Sai presses forward with his mouth. She places a hand on the crown of his head, and she feels him smile against her. She leans back, her shoulders thumping against the back of the couch so she can look down at him.</p><p>She doesn’t know how he does this with just his mouth, but he makes her feel impossibly warm. An eternal summer. A heat without end. But she isn’t even thirsty. His mouth between her legs quenches it. Not for the first time, Tenten wonders where he learned how to do this. He and Ino had been seventeen, and Ino made him sound sweet, but deeply awkward.</p><p>He’s still sweet, but he is anything but awkward. Which begs the question, where did he learn how to do this?</p><p>“Sai?” Tenten croaks. He pauses, and looks up.</p><p>“Who taught you how to do this?” Sai’s eyebrows furrow.</p><p>“I’ve been around.” He pauses, “is that a problem?”</p><p>“N-no,” she replies, “I was just curious.” Sai nods into space. “Sai?” she asks. He looks right at her.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“I’m sorry for asking.” She murmurs, running her fingers through his hair. He smiles.</p><p>“It’s okay,” he says. He kisses her knee. She smiles.</p><p>“I’m glad. Because I really, really, really need you to wipe my mind blank now that I have thought of even more people I won’t share you with.” Sai smirks. He thinks about saying something, but he would prefer to do something other than talk.</p><p>She hums when his mouth is once more against her, and she puts her head back so he can look at the column of her throat. He can feel her breathing becoming shallow, the muscles of her core tightening around him, and he knows she is close. She tilts her chin down, and when their eyes connect, she gushes a little more. She pants, “my mind isn’t blank yet,” and he plunges deeper and faster, until her gasps are coming in quick succession and her face contorts.</p><p>She overwhelms his senses, she is on his tongue and in his ears and against his hands and all he can smell and if his eyes were open, she would be the only thing he could see. She clenches around him, intentional until her body takes over, as if it too, never wanted him to stop. She had asked him where he had learned to do this, and the honest answer is that no one had ever reacted to him this way. Yes, he made other women come but they didn’t have the same chemistry he shares with Tenten. Never before has he been desired like this, and neither has he wanted anyone so desperately.</p><p>When he pulls away, he looks at her expectantly. Sai likes praise. He thrives on it. Tenten leans down to kiss him, hungry. It’s not a perfect kiss; there is teeth and tongue. Not perfect, but exactly the reaction Sai wanted to provoke. “Make me forget more,” she says into his mouth. “I want to forget my name.” She wants to forget everything except Sai’s name. She rips the sweater off while Sai takes off his shirt, and she comes down to him.</p><p>Lying back, he runs his hands over the sheen of her abdomen, the sweat under her breasts. She finally frees him, and he grits his teeth when he slides home. Tenten sets the pace, and it is quick and to the point. Sai puts his hands on her hips and looks up at her, golden in the late evening light. Her mouth is parted open, and he starts moving with her in earnest.</p><p>He sits up, because he wants to kiss her face while obscenity after obscenity tears from her throat. His lips are on her jaw and his hands are going to leave bruises on her hips, and somehow, this isn’t enough. She wants to shatter.</p><p>“Sai,” her voice is hoarse, “I want to forget.”<em> I want to be taken to the place where my soul was born</em>. He nods, and moves a hand between them, his thumb finds the right place. Sai loves her too much to do anything less than make them both forget everything.</p><p>It feels like seconds, but it takes minutes, and she hits the spot where Sai’s name is the only thing she can recall. It tastes crisp, like the blue of the sky, and she closes her eyes and breathes in and out. She sighs, and not only is his name pronounced like the word but the noise it represents, her deep exhale, sounds like his name too.</p><p>Her sigh is Sai. It is the one coherent thought in her mind, as she breaks out into the space beyond memory and language. There are no words to describe it, except his name and the clean taste of the air.</p><p>Sai’s mouth hangs open, and he rocks her forward so he can bury his face in her neck. It is all just too much. The taste and the feel and the smell and the sighs that are his name, tumbling from her throat. When he finally comes, he wraps his arms around her and holds her tight, because he wants to remember how this all feels.</p><p>She is able to move before him. Tenten puts a hand on the side of his face not buried into her shoulder.</p><p>“I forgot it all,” she says in his ear. “Thank you, Sai.” She feels his smile against her collarbone.</p><p>“I don’t want you to think about anyone else,” he mutters. She kisses his forehead, before getting up and reaching for her sweater.</p><p>Sai lies back on the ground, and stares up at the ceiling. He thinks that this must be what happiness feels like.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Every so often, the stars align and Sasuke and Naruto can get lunch together. Sasuke sits beside Naruto, listening to him slurp up his ramen noodles. Sasuke will never admit this, but eating with Naruto is a gratifying experience. Naruto just loves food so much. It’s nice to be around someone so full of unbridled enthusiasm. It shows Sasuke that life is much simpler than he makes it out to be.</p><p>He picks up an egg and pops into his mouth as Naruto clears his throat. “Sasuke,” Naruto asks, “are you ever going to try dating?” Naruto looks at Sasuke with concern. This again. He swallows his egg nearly whole, and frowns.</p><p>“What’s wrong with being alone?” Sasuke turns back to his bowl, swirling his noodles in broth. “I prefer my own company.” He feels guilty, since he isn’t really alone. But ten months of lies have built up, and he doesn’t know how to tell the truth, even if he wanted to.</p><p>“What are you going to do, stare at a wall all day?” Naruto asks, before putting more noodles in his mouth.</p><p>“But who will be there to appreciate the wall if I’m running around with different women?” Sasuke smirks, “I think the wall would get lonely.” He stuffs more noodles in his mouth, knowing Naruto is about to give him unsolicited advice. Naruto and Sakura do that a lot these days.</p><p>“You’ve got to live your life Sasuke!” Naruto gets a sneaky look on his face. Positively vulpine. “Or, ask Hinata out so Sakura has to buy me dinner.” Sasuke rolls his eyes.</p><p>“So I have to ask out Hinata so Sakura can buy you dinner?” he smirks, “are you angling for a date?” Sasuke knows he is right when Naruto spits his noodles back up. The look on his friend’s face is a mix between indignation and genuine surprise.</p><p>“No!” Naruto says with too much force, “if I wanted to ask her out on a date, I would just ask her.” Sasuke bops his head, like, sure-sure. This only makes Naruto’s eyes narrow. “You let Hinata sit next to you.”</p><p>“She’s a nice girl.” Sasuke shrugs, “she doesn’t spit up her food, or yell, or demand that I leave my wall.”</p><p>“You have never said anything that nice about anyone.” Naruto grumbles, sticking a piece of pork into his mouth.</p><p>“I saved your life with we were twelve.” Sasuke deadpans, “I show affection through acts of service.” He frowns when he remembers that he also nearly killed Sakura and Naruto. It still bothers him that he really would have done it. <em>If not for Sai</em>, he thinks, <em>you two really would be dead, and I wouldn’t be a human being</em>. Sasuke should probably buy Sai paint or something.</p><p>“Yeah, and you let Hinata sit beside you.” Naruto waves his chopsticks, like a fool.</p><p>“I sit next to Sai at breakfast,” Sasuke replies, “and we don’t like each other.”</p><p>“No, you love each other!” Naruto slaps Sasuke’s back, nearly making him choke.</p><p>“Love?” Sasuke has to stop himself from saying that Hinata said the same stupid thing a few months ago.</p><p>“Yes, you two love each other.” Naruto sticks more pork in his mouth. “Being on Team Seven creates a bond.” He smiles, swallowing the pork whole.</p><p>“Sure.” Sasuke replies. Most of his bond with Sai is the two of them trying to withstand whatever is happening between Sakura and Naruto while keeping their sanity intact.</p><p>“You can’t look at me and tell me that there is nothing between you and Hinata.” Naruto changes the subject, “I’m 90% sure that you are already fucking.”</p><p>“Only 90%?” Sasuke smirks. If he only knew.</p><p>“Well, that’s the only reason I haven’t taken Sakura out for dinner.” Naruto prattles on, “Sai loves love. Of course he is happy to broadcast it. But you,” he nearly jabs Sasuke in the eye with his chopsticks, “are a secretive asshole. I bet you and Hinata have been together way longer than either of you have let on, and the two of you have grown too lazy to hide it well.” Naruto has a victorious look on his face, and Sasuke frowns. It is easy to forget that Naruto isn’t an actual moron.</p><p>“If that were the case,” Sasuke replies, “and it isn’t, I wouldn’t say anything anyway, because the guy should pay on the first date. Which is what your bet is for. To plan the logistics of your first date,” Sasuke takes a sip of water. Naruto frowns, and turns back to his soup.</p><p>Sasuke wonders if Naruto is mad at him, until he starts babbling about Kakashi’s recent bad moods. Apparently he hasn’t found a suitable replacement for <em>Icha Icha</em>, and he wants to read something new. Shikamaru and Naruto are looking for books, but there just isn’t anything that compares to Jiraiya’s smut. Sasuke laughs, and says something like <em>so you and Shikamaru read pornographic novels out loud to each other all day? </em></p><p>This makes Naruto frown and retort <em>stop devaluing the literary value of erotica!</em> Sasuke laughs so hard that broth comes out of his nose, just knowing that Naruto knows how to use the words ‘devalue’, ‘literary’ and ‘erotica’ and successfully deploy them in a sentence.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Hinata strolls around the grocery store. It is one of her favorite errands. She looks at the list in her hand, trying to read Sasuke’s hand writing. He doesn’t have bad hand writing, but when he is in a hurry, he has a tendency to regress into ‘boy writing’, the messy scrawl used by boys who are too hyperactive to focus on their penmanship. She <em>thinks</em> he wants apples. She also knows he eats those a lot and they don’t have anymore. Whatever, if she misses something, he is an adult and he can go get it himself.</p><p>Sighing, she tucks her list back into her pocket. She hadn’t changed out of her uniform after work, and she is self-conscious of the looks civilians are giving her. She walks over to the apples, and takes out on of her reusable mesh bags. If she and Sasuke <em>both</em> like apples, how many would last a week? She frowns.</p><p>She feels him before she sees him. “Sasuke,” she says, “how many apples should I buy for the week?” Hinata turns to look at him. He blinks at her, holding his own basket.</p><p>“I can deal with the apples.” He replies. Hinata rolls her eyes.</p><p>“There is nothing to deal with. I just need a number.” She picks one up, looking at it.</p><p>“We can each get seven.” He shrugs, “I don’t like those kind, anyways.” Hinata blinks, before looking at him.</p><p>“I buy these all the time!” She isn’t shrill, but she is sharp.</p><p>“They would go bad. I know you buy them for me, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful.” Sasuke looks away. Hinata sighs.</p><p>“Well, what do you like? I want to know.” She puts the apple back. He opens his mouth to respond, when Shino appears behind them.</p><p>Hinata really likes Shino. He is an incredibly understanding friend, and he always had faith in her. She smiles at him, and he smiles back.</p><p>“Hi Shino,” she says, “funny seeing you here.”</p><p>“I too, eat.” He has a dry sense of humor, and she laughs on impulse. Sasuke remains silent, as Shino looks at him, head tilted.</p><p>“Hi Shino.” Sasuke mumbles. Hinata gives him a strange look. She reaches out to touch Sasuke’s arm. Her thumb rubs a circle on his bicep, and Sasuke sighs.</p><p>Shino, not born yesterday, does the math easily. There had been rumors, but this is all the confirmation he needs. He won’t say anything, since he presumes it is a secret for a reason, but he makes a silent note to put Sasuke on the permanent never invited list.</p><p>“I didn’t know you two were friends.” Hinata pulls her hand away, and Sasuke’s eyes narrow.</p><p>“Oh, you know,” Hinata begins, “we see each other at work.” It’s not a lie. It’s just not the whole truth.</p><p>Sasuke nods. “Our relationship is strictly professional.” Shino blinks, but they can’t see because of his glasses.</p><p>“The two of you were arguing over which apples to buy.” Normally, he wouldn’t pry. But Shino figures they could use some practice getting their story straight.</p><p>“Oh, well, Sasuke was just helping me decide which ones to try.” Hinata shrugs, and Sasuke winces at her lie. Granted, he couldn’t come up with anything better.</p><p>“We all have to get our kicks somehow,” Sasuke says, salvaging Hinata’s half-truth. “Mine involve helping Hinata choose produce.” She nods as he says this, and Shino blinks again.</p><p>“You get enjoyment from helping Hinata choose produce?” Shino asks, blankly. He sounds even more disinterested than Sai.</p><p>“Among other things,” Sasuke smirks, thinking about this morning. “I’m a helpful guy, right Hinata?” his lopsided grin comes out. Usually, she is a sucker for that smile. But she can’t resist putting Sasuke in his place. If he can imply that they are having sex, he should also be able to admit that they are dating.</p><p>Hinata narrows her eyes, and Shino steps back instinctively. “You’re fine.” She turns her back and walks away, waving at Shino. Sasuke glares at her back and mutters, following her, not even bothering to say good-bye to Shino.</p><p>Shino watches them have a tense exchange over cauliflower. There is a moment where Sasuke is silent, and he puts his hand on Hinata’s elbow. He doesn’t yank, or grab. Rather, his hand cups her elbow, coming up from below, giving her the opportunity to shrug him away. She doesn’t move. Shino watches Sasuke’s thumb rub a circle like hers did on his arm, and Hinata sighs, before smiling at him.</p><p><em>They’re cute together</em>, Shino thinks, <em>in a damaged kind of way</em>. He will never say this, and for a brief moment, he thinks he may not get a chance to think anything else, as Hinata looks at him, and Sasuke turns back to glare.</p><p>If he were Sasuke, he wouldn’t want people to fuck with his privacy either. Shino nods and walks in the opposite direction, taking the long way to the cereal aisle. He is glad that Hinata found someone who likes her so much that he wants to follow her around the grocery store. For a while, it didn’t seem like she would be attracted to that kind of commitment. It reminds him of Kurenai, when she had Asuma trailing her around. He hopes they have a happier ending, but it makes Shino feel warm to know that she found someone who wants to spend so much time with Hinata that he does errands with her. Smiling to himself, he picks up his usual brand of cereal. </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Time used to crawl before Tenten. She was alive and happy, but it always felt like there was something missing. But with Sai, time has sped up. Already, three months have rolled by and she has barely noticed. It not for Neji’s table calendar, she wouldn’t have been checking.</p><p>She is lying back on the grass, under the sun. Sai sits up, his face inches from a snapdragon. Shikamaru had asked Sai to draw a few anatomical pictures of different flowers. Sai thought a flower about deception was appropriate for a person who works in T&amp;I. Tenten had tried to persuade him differently, but Sai is convinced that it is perfect. Tenten thinks he simply prefers to draw them.</p><p>Tenten turns to look at Sai, who is concentrating on his task. “Is it weird drawing flowers for Ino?” Tenten isn’t jealous. Ino and Sai dated when they were teenagers. However, she is curious to know how he feels about how differently his life turned out from how he thought it would be when he was seventeen. Sai shrugs.</p><p>“Is it weird being on a team with Neji?” Sai barely inflects. Tenten makes a squawking noise in response.</p><p>“How did you know?” she has never spoken to him about her past partners, and especially not Neji. He was her first. She likes to think that means something sacred.</p><p>“An educated guess.” Sai smirks, not looking away from the pink and yellow snapdragon before him. Tenten sits up on her elbows. She looks at the small of his back, uncovered by his cropped shirt.</p><p>“Does it make you jealous?” Tenten asks.</p><p>“Do you want me to be jealous?” Sai responds, his voice still bright and clear. She looks up at the sky, thinking.</p><p>“No,” she pauses. “you have no reason to be. I never thought of him the way I think about you.” She sits up, picking her water bottle.</p><p>“How do you think of me.” Sai puts his hand down, and turns to look at her.</p><p>“Different from Neji.” She takes a sip of water. “I wanted him in an abstract way.” She swirls her water in the bottle. Sai blinks.</p><p>“Abstract?”</p><p>“Well, he represented a life I thought I wanted.” She strokes a blade of grass. “He was a vehicle to other things. Like a family, kids, a house. It was sort of like playing at having a future. It wasn’t serious.”</p><p>“Those are all big things.” Sai replies. Tenten shrugs.</p><p>“Being with you makes them feel small.” She says offhandedly. “I can’t really explain it well, but the big things seem dumb and inconsequential when you find who you really want. Everything that came before is petty.” Sai blinks.</p><p>“So what makes me different?” his voice is small. Tenten bites her lower lip. She wraps her arms around her knees.</p><p>“I just want you.” She puts her head on her knees, and turns her face towards him. “It sort of feels like I have already gotten what I wanted. I’m happy to wait for the rest.” She turns her head to fit her chin between her knees.</p><p>Sai stares at her. It is such a naked statement. Sai doesn’t know a whole lot about the world, but he knows that he has never made anyone content before. He feels denuded, like she has stripped away a shell he didn’t know he had. No one has looked at Sai and seen their future. He was always just a stop on the way to something else. Sai looks away, and starts drawing again.</p><p>Tenten frowns at his silence. “Sai, are you okay?” Tenten wonders if she said too much. Sai drums his pencil against the paper.</p><p>“Yes,” he says, “I am okay.” He turns and smiles at her. “I never really thought about the future before, period.” Tenten opens her mouth in a soft ‘O’, and it makes him grin. “You’ll catch flies with your mouth open like that.” She shuts her mouth and narrows her eyes. He laughs at the expression on her face.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Sasuke wants to make one thing clear: he had intended to buy Hinata actual flowers. When he walked into Yamanaka Flowers, he had hoped that Ino’s mom would be behind the counter. Sadly, it was Ino sitting there, chin on her fist, with a leonine smirk. Sasuke had immediately changed gears, and told Ino that he was looking to buy a plant for himself. Something that would thrive under gross negligence.</p><p>Ino had walked him over to wall, and pointed to a bunch of cacti. All different shapes and sizes and colors. Some had hard spikes, some had soft, fluffy spikes. Some cacti had flowers. Some stood straight while others sprawled. “Not even Naruto could kill one of these,” Ino drawled. Sasuke nodded, picking up different ones. His eyes kept going back to a small, bright green ball, covered in yellow spikes. Sasuke thought it was pretty cute, for a cactus. He could tell Ino was pushing him towards that specific plant. “It’s a Golden Ball Cactus,” she said, “also referred to as Mother-in-Law’s Cushion.” He looked over at Ino, whose grin was downright evil. <em>Hinata needs new friends</em>, he thought, picking up the plant.</p><p>He had intended to surprise Hinata, but she was already home when he got back. She was in the kitchen preparing dinner when he walked in, holding the cactus in both hands. His timing was thrown off when Ino has insisted on changing the flower pot <em>free of charge</em>. He had long suspected that she knew something was going on, and this confirmed it. <em>Whatever</em>, he gritted his teeth, <em>it’s not like we are being subtle</em>. Ino had raised an eyebrow at him when she had tried to put the cactus into a matte purple pot, and Sasuke insisted on the glazed sky-blue one. “She always gets purple,” he said, and Ino pressed her lips together before replying, “I thought it was for you.” Nonetheless, Ino put the cactus in the shinier pot. After tying a yellow ribbon around it, they preceded to argue for fifteen minutes when he insisted on paying for the extra cost of the pot. Eventually, Shikamaru had turned up and took Sasuke’s side, which made Ino shriek. The exchange was something like: “<em>Ino, just let him give you his money,</em>” to which she responded, <em>“I’m trying to encourage him to do the right thing,</em>” which made Shikamaru scratch his head and Ino even angrier that he could forget that Sasuke is the secret boyfriend Hinata won’t admit to having. While Ino was distracted, Sasuke dropped the money on the counter and took the cactus with him, saluting an irritated Shikamaru on his way out.</p><p>Hinata stands over the stove, using a pair of tongs to mix pasta around in some sort of sauce. “Hi Sasuke,” she glances at him, before returning her attention to the stove. “I ran into Sakura and Sai at the grocery store, and they told me about this pasta recipe that they had tried, and…Sasuke?” Hinata had turned back to look at him, holding a cactus, with an embarrassed look on his face. Hinata looks at the plant, and back up at his face. She does this a few more times.</p><p>“I wanted to buy you flowers,” he said, “but Ino was in the store and I didn’t want to tip her off.” Hinata blinks.</p><p>“So you bought a cactus?” Hinata finishes stirring the pasta, and takes it off the heat. He can’t see her face, which makes him extra nervous.</p><p>“It will last longer,” he rambles, “not even Naruto could kill it. It thrives under neglect.” He pauses. “I’m not saying your negligent, I just said that I was buying a plant for myself, and well, I’m negligent.” Sasuke grips onto the plant. She walks towards him, a gentle smile on her face. She puts her hands out, and he puts the pot in her hands.</p><p>The pot is a heavy ceramic, with a shiny glaze. It is the color of the sky. Hinata holds it up so she is eye-level with the cactus. It is bright-green, with yellow spikes. It is a cute nub, more like a bud rather than a plant. She smiles.</p><p>“They’re cute.” Hinata goes to put the cactus on the counter.</p><p>“They?” Sasuke asks. Hinata shrugs.</p><p>“I didn’t want to refer to they as an it.” She scrunches her nose. “They are a living being.” Sasuke blinks.</p><p>“Should we give them a name?” he asks. Hinata turns to him.</p><p>“You want to name our cactus?” Hinata blinks. Sasuke’s flush creeps across his face, and her eyes soften.</p><p>“Kinda.” His reply is soft, and he looks away. Hinata puts her hands on the counter, and looks at the cactus. She tries to stare into their soul. <em>Who are you?</em> After a few minutes, Sasuke turns to look at her while she stares at the cactus. After what feels like forever, she clears her throat.</p><p>“Akamaru Two.” She says in a cheerful voice.</p><p>“What?” Sasuke’s mouth hangs open. Hinata tilts her head, looking at him like he just asked her why grass is green.</p><p>“Well, he is kind of like a pet, and Akamaru is really sweet,” she smiles softly, “he is a good namesake.”</p><p>“Our cactus is the furthest thing from Kiba’s dog.” Sasuke crosses his arms. Hinata shrugs.</p><p>“What name would you prefer?” she asks. He blinks.</p><p>“Hinata Two.” He uncrosses his arms. “They need a sunny place to live, and you’re a good person. It’s aspirational.” Hinata clicks her tongue.</p><p>“I don’t really want to name a gift after myself.” Her voice is hesitant. A gesture like this is a lot for Sasuke. She doesn’t want to discourage him.</p><p>“Your name will be good luck. You make ugly, prickly things thrive and be better.” He pauses, “I don’t think you are like a cactus. You like ugly things, but you’re not ugly at all. You’re like a lily.” He shoves his hands in his pockets, not knowing what else to say.</p><p>“Are you the cactus?” she gives him an owlish expression. He sucks in his lower lip, thinking.</p><p>“I don’t think I’m as cute.” He taps his heel against the floor. Hinata crosses her arms and nods a bit, appraising their new friend.</p><p>“Sasuke Two.” She smiles, “you bought them for me, so it’s not weird if I name it after you.” She hums, sliding the plant towards her. “You aren’t ugly at all Sasuke,” she murmurs. “Maybe they will grow to be as tall as you.” Hinata smiles right at their cactus. Sasuke exhales, happy that she likes her gift.</p><p>Not thinking, he reaches his hand out to pet the cactus, freezing just in time. Hinata turns to him, eyes wide. “How are you in Anbu?”</p><p>“Fuck if I know,” Sasuke steps back, stretching. “No one ever tells you why you are in Anbu, unless you’re Tenten and Neji makes everyone miserable until you are recruited.” Hinata blinks.</p><p>“He did that?” Sasuke nods.</p><p>“Sai was the good cop, Neji was the bad cop and I was the indifferent asshole. We burned through so many other operatives before Yamato finally recruited her,” Sasuke says. “Now Tenten is his favorite member on the team.” He turns back and looks at the stove. “Dinner smells good,” he changes the subject, “what is it?” Hinata looks over at Sasuke, who is poking at the pasta with the tongs. It smells garlicky.</p><p>“Sakura and Sai have both tried it. You dissolve anchovies into the sauce.” Hinata says, “it gives it a nice umami flavor.” She smacks her lips together to emphasize her point. It is a weird gesture on her. Ignoring her, he picks up a clump of pasta with the tongs and drops the food into his mouth.</p><p>The pasta is good and chewy, and it has a good spicy, meaty flavor. He nods his approval while chewing the pasta. “It’s good,” he says with his mouth full. Hinata smiles at him. <em>It’s all good</em>.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope everyone is safe and in one piece in the age of COVID. I am still isolating as best I can. Here is an update. Let me know if you have any thoughts!</p><p> </p><p>Sai was trying to watch Call Me By Your Name.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. A Sense of Peace</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A jam cat, chewed up gum and superstitions.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“Life is one funny motherfucker”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kendrick Lamar “Duckworth”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Falling in love, the real kind, means being able to see your partner for the entirety of who they are, surrendering all your preconceived notions and images for who they actually are. Ever since he accidentally lay down on her vibrator, Tenten has proven to be even better than she was in his head. But there is one thing that has surprised him the most: how superstitious she is.</p><p>Sai is standing in his kitchen, drinking a cup of tea, watching her read a book on astrology. Tenten’s mouth is scrunched, and she is clearly concentrating on something. She is still reading when she begins to speak.</p><p>“According to this book,” she says, “you and Sasuke should be best friends.”</p><p>“He and I are friendly,” Sai replies. “That’s the extent of our relationship. I wouldn’t call us friends.” Tenten sighs.</p><p>“I don’t get it,” she puts the book down, “you like Neji.”</p><p>“That is a professional relationship. We aren’t friends.” Sai sips his tea. Tenten frowns.</p><p>“I’d like to think I am friends with all of you.” She replies. Sai shrugs.</p><p>“It’s a maladjusted thing.” Sai pauses. “The three of us are content with the way things are.” She stands up from the couch, and walks over to him.</p><p>“My life isn’t perfect either,” she says quietly. “I was a ward of the state, after my parents died.” Sai looks at Tenten, his expression thoughtful.</p><p>“But you still know who you are. You have always been intact, psychically speaking.” He replies. “If it weren’t for what happened to us, Neji, Sasuke and I could be totally different people.” Tenten walks right up to him, looking right at his face. He touches his palm to her stomach, and looks down at the way his fingers look spread against her.</p><p>He is thinking. She can tell because of the way he holds his jaw. “I hate what happened,” she says quietly. “But I love who you are. I love Neji too, and I like Sasuke enough. Things could have been different, but I’d like to think that we still would have found each other.” She puts her hand over his, and presses them both into her stomach.</p><p>“You were never a weapon or a tool or someone everyone was nice to because you were traumatized.” Sai isn’t jealous. He is just stating the facts. “You are who you were meant to be. For us, sometimes, it feels like we were going to be one thing, but then someone else made a decision for us that changed everything.”</p><p>She has nothing reassuring to say that wouldn’t dismiss the trauma of the Hyuuga affair, the devastation of the Uchiha massacre and the brutal regimen of Root. Life is a motherfucker with an absurd sense of humor, but there are some things that you can’t laugh at. She likes them all, but even she hesitates to affirm what happened to them, and those events are what made Neji, Sasuke and Sai who they are.</p><p>“You are who you are, Sai.” She replies. “You can’t keep comparing yourself to who you think you could have been. You are just torturing yourself.” Sai chews the inside of his cheek, and frowns.</p><p>“You sure?” he asks. Tenten nods.</p><p>“You aren’t who Root tried to make you be.” She says. “You are your own person.”</p><p>“My own person?” he asks. She nods, and wraps her fingers around his hand, which still lies against her stomach.</p><p>“A person of your very own.” She smiles, and she looks back at her book on the table. She leans against Sai. “You know what I like about astrology?’</p><p>“What?” Sai asks.</p><p>“Well,” she replies, “don’t you think there is something beautiful about the idea that the position of the planets and stars when you were born can tell you something about yourself that you couldn’t necessarily figure out on your own?” She looks back up at Sai, her eyes wide and unblinking.</p><p>“There are a lot of beautiful ideas about the universe, Ten.” Sai says. She can tell that he is just going with it to please her. She pouts.</p><p>“You are just saying that.” Tenten pulls away, walking towards her book. Sai smiles at her back, before walking over to the sink. He places his mug there, and then turns to see that Tenten has returned to her book, sitting on his couch.</p><p>Sai walks over to the couch and sits on it. Picking up his own book, he smiles at her before opening it up. There are a lot of beautiful things in the universe, and the stars and planets are just one little piece of it. Maybe they can disclose something you couldn’t figure out for yourself, and Sai is pretty sure that if they can, it isn’t the kind of thing you can find out from the system. They are the sort of thing you can only feel in your soul.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>The one nice thing about therapy is that you get to an hour to force someone else to listen to you ramble about Life’s Big Questions. It’s a great way to kill time. Sasuke isn’t big on talking, but every so often he finds an idea that won’t leave his brain. He has a tendency to fixate, and honestly, if it weren’t for his therapist he would probably annoy everyone in his life with his ultimately banal musings.</p><p>Rin looks at him expectantly. She is used to his ramblings. She likes them, actually. It’s the most vulnerable Sasuke will allow himself to be. He is tapping his foot, and she can tell that he has something he wants to say.</p><p>“Is there something you have to say, Sasuke?” Rin blinks at him from beneath her brow. Sasuke shrugs.</p><p>“Maybe.”</p><p>“That’s quite vague, Sasuke.” Rin picks a piece of lint off of her skirt. Sasuke watches the bit of fluff glide down to the floor.</p><p>“Have you ever asked yourself why you want to be healthy?” Sasuke taps the armrest of his chair. It’s a cushion-y armchair. It’s supposed to make the therapeutic process easier.</p><p>“No, I have never asked myself that question.” Rin crosses her legs.</p><p>“I was reading this book that talks about this concept called ‘biopolitics’. The idea is that in contemporary societies, different institutions have sprung up to administer control over the health of populations. Under these regimes, being ‘healthy’ becomes a moral obligation. Like, why do you not want to get fat? Because it is, ostensibly for your health.” Sasuke pauses for effect. “<em>But</em>, where did we get the idea that being fat was unhealthy in the first place? Basically, his argument is that the policing and monitoring of bodies is the chief function of things like medicine, and that the compulsion towards being healthy is merely one way in which our complicity in our own oppression is exposed.” Sasuke sits back, proud of himself. “Nifty, isn’t it?”</p><p>Rin blinks, like a cat. “Why are you telling me this?” she asks. It isn’t that she doesn’t care. It’s just that she cares more about getting work done. He deflates a little bit, like he has disappointed her. She jots this thought down.</p><p>“I thought you would enjoy an intellectual conversation.” Sasuke is difficult to get purchase on. He purposefully resists the efforts of others to see him.</p><p>“We are here to talk about you.” Rin smiles, “you are talking about a book to avoid being vulnerable.”</p><p>“I thought you would be interested in hearing an alternate perspective.” Sasuke blinks, and for a second, she thinks he may choose the path of vulnerability. Instead, Sasuke chooses resistance. “I thought you would want to know my thoughts.” Rin rolls her eyes.</p><p>“I don’t need another demonstration in avoidance,” she says, “but that was masterful.” Sasuke pouts. One thing Rin has noticed is that he has a tendency to get defensive over the smallest of things.</p><p>“I was actually trying to engage you in conversation.” Sasuke crosses his arms. Rin snorts.</p><p>“So you want to have a conversation?”</p><p>“It would be nice.” He drawls. Rin raises an eyebrow.</p><p>“Why do you resist being vulnerable?” she asks. Most days, she plays his game. Today, she will not. Sasuke puffs his cheeks like a child.</p><p>“I can be vulnerable.” He says, “just not with you.” Rin raises an eyebrow.</p><p>“Oh, really?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Give me an example of vulnerability from the last two months.” Sasuke narrows his eyes, thinking.</p><p>“I bought Hinata a cactus.” Sasuke replies.</p><p>“A cactus.” She doesn’t know what she was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t this.</p><p>“Her best friend told her that she is too pretty to not get flowers.” Sasuke shrugs.</p><p>“So you bought a cactus.” Rin wants to laugh at the impatient look on his face. But she is still trying to figure out how buying a cactus is a show of vulnerability.</p><p>“They are hardy, she likes ugly, prickly things…”</p><p>“Are you an ugly thing?” Rin interrupts Sasuke’s rambling.</p><p>“Probably.” Sasuke replies. Rin jots something down, and Sasuke eyes her pen. “What are you writing?”</p><p>“That you have poor self-image.” Rin says. Sasuke scowls.</p><p>“Her friend works at the flower shop.” He says, “I had to get something that would get past her.” Rin, not for the first time, thinks about all that he could accomplish if he confronted his problems head on.</p><p>“Have you considered the possibility that this friend already knows about you and Hinata?” Rin asks. Sasuke shrugs.</p><p>“She suspects something.” Sasuke doesn’t want to get into this right now. His relationship with Hinata is private. Rin is the only person who he has told. She should feel honoured, or at least, less cavalier about mentioning it. So he glares in response.</p><p>Rin sighs. Sasuke never learns. “So, how was this an example of vulnerability?” Sasuke puts his head in his hands and groans, and Rin feels it right in her soul.</p><p>Today, they get nowhere and accomplish nothing.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>There is one thing that has become glaringly obvious in the last few months. Sai wants a cat. He won’t come out and say it, but it is what he wants. Tenten knows this because whenever they see a cat on one of their walks, he smiles at it the way Sakura and Ino smile at babies. Tenten thinks it is really sweet, and when she sees that smile on his face, she feels something in her heart grow. A little sprout that grows bigger and stronger with time.</p><p>Today, they are walking towards the market, when they see what Sai refers to as a jam cat, an orange tabby. He gives the cat a small smile, and it approaches them, rubbing itself against their legs. Sai bends down to stroke its chin, and there is an audible rumble from the cat’s throat. When the cat finally walks off, Sai stands up, smiling. Tenten thinks he is so cute. She never thought that in the span of a few months that she would know the difference between the smile Sai uses on people and the one he reserves for cats.</p><p>“You want a cat.” She says, taking his hand. Sai turns and looks at her, before he starts walking.</p><p>“I shouldn’t be a pet owner,” he replies. She frowns.</p><p>“I think you’d be a great pet owner,” she says, “I’ve seen the way you look at cats.”</p><p>“My work schedule is too erratic.” Sai looks ahead, avoiding her gaze.</p><p>“There is nothing wrong with admitting you want something, Sai.” Tenten squeezes his hand, and he looks back at her, a sheepish look on his face.</p><p>“I would like a cat.” He says, “I think they are very sweet.” Tenten smiles.</p><p>“Was that so hard?” she asks, pressing herself closer to Sai. He shakes his head, and keeps looking forward.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p>Being in love means looking at your partner struggle with a task, and being able to discern the difference between letting them figure it out for themselves and when you need to step in. Hinata’s oven is finicky. But what took Sasuke a few tries to learn, Hinata still struggles with. She wants to make cinnamon buns, but the oven isn’t cooperating with her.</p><p>He doesn’t want her to feel bad, but he can tell from the line on her forehead that she is losing her patience. So he walks over to the kitchen and steps behind her.</p><p>“May I?” he asks. Hinata sighs, nods. He reaches behind her, and fiddles with the nob, turning it on. “There are times when it is very apparent that you grew up with servants.” Hinata snorts.</p><p>“How do you get it to work?” Sasuke can tell that she is purposefully not reacting to him. He steps back, and shrugs.</p><p>“There’s a click you need to look for, and right when you hit the point where it won’t turn, you push the nob in while you keep turning.” He replies. Hinata rubs her lips together.</p><p>“You make it sound easy.” She says quietly, and he can tell that she is annoyed with herself.</p><p>“Well, you might not keep me around if you figure it out. I could be lying.” Sasuke smiles to himself, walking back to the living room. Hinata watches him, leaning over the counter.</p><p>“You would never lie to me,” she replies, “when it comes to those you love, you are honest to a fault, Sasuke.”</p><p>“I don’t tell people about us.” Sasuke replies. The corners of her mouth turn up.</p><p>“That’s because you think you have to protect us,” she says quietly. From what, she doesn’t quite know. She just knows that he does. In all honesty, the longer they do this, the more she wants to be a regular couple.</p><p>She wants to kiss him in public, and hold his hand, and be the person people think of when they think of him. She doesn’t care about the opinions of her family or their friends or the other villagers. Hinata wants them to claim each other, publically. She wants to say “Uchiha Sasuke is my partner,” aloud.</p><p>He knows the quirks of her apartment and her body and her moods—and he is patient and kind and understanding and they are so in love it <em>hurts</em>. Except it doesn’t, because he is tender and caring. Sasuke sees a future, and a family with her, even if he won’t accept that he is allowed to not only have but want those things. He made her stronger, more confident in herself. He helped her realize that love doesn’t cause pain. It makes you feel good.</p><p>She just wants the world to know how he makes her feel.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>“So are you dating?” Sasuke smirks, looking down at Tenten and Sai. They are sitting at a table, Sai reading a book will Tenten goes over a file. Sai had tried a different kind of tea than he usually orders. Sai really liked it, and he held his mug out for Tenten to try. She had smiled at him, taking the mug from his hands and sipping. She was about to tell him what she thought of the tea, when Sasuke sauntered over.</p><p>Sasuke refrains from teasing them at work. He knows they are together; they don’t exactly hide their relationship. As a general rule, watching couples drink from the same cup is disgusting. It always comes across as clingy at best, disgusting at worst. He doesn’t know why. Theoretically, a couple sharing a beverage has probably already had their respective tongues down each other’s throats. But Tenten and Sai just come across as two securely attached people, who don’t need to touch to let you know that they are together. It’s so sweet, Sasuke feels a cavity form. Maybe he has gotten soft. It’s not exactly unwelcome.</p><p>So there he is, arms crossed, standing over Tenten and Sai with a shit-eating grin. He didn’t know any other way to greet the two of them. Sai’s face is frozen in a neutral expression, and Tenten scowls. She puts her elbow on the table, and offers Sasuke the middle finger. Sai looks between the two of them.</p><p>“Look, I just want to know if there is a label.” Sasuke says, sipping his own coffee. “Neji and I need to know if this will throw everything off.” Their relationship already has, but Sasuke doesn’t need to remind them.</p><p>“Don’t you have someone else to go annoy?” she asks. Sasuke shrugs.</p><p>“It’s a crime of opportunity, and you and Sai were just at the right place at the wrong time,” Sasuke drawls, stepping back. “See you at work.” His smile is lopsided, and for a brief moment, Tenten and Sai see what draws Hinata into Sasuke’s orbit.</p><p>They watch him walk off. When he is a safe distance away, Sai turns to Tenten. “Do you think we are throwing everything off?” Sai asks. He already knows that they are. He rammed his tanto through someone who Tenten saw coming. Sai has developed a lot of issues with the “let Tenten handle herself” rule.</p><p>“What?” she says, “he was just being a dick.” Sai leans back into his seat, thinking.</p><p>“I have never been on a team with someone I was dating.” He squeezes his lips together. Tenten sighs.</p><p>“We’re different.” She says.</p><p>“How?” Sai tilts his head. Sometimes, his habit of probing for a deeper reason is inconvenient. He can’t just dismiss things like she does.</p><p>“We’re adults,” she replies. “It’s different from when you are seventeen.” She smiles at him, and he doesn’t say anything. She relaxes, assuming that he has no more questions. Tenten looks down at her file, and reaches for her coffee.</p><p>“The tea was nice,” she says, “I didn’t think you would like something fruity.” Tenten looks up when her comment is met with silence. Sai is staring at her. She blinks, and he tilts his head further to the side.</p><p>“Are you my girlfriend?” he asks. Tenten blinks again, and for a horrible moment, she fears that she has been misinterpreting this relationship the whole time.</p><p>“Am I your girlfriend?” she asks.</p><p>“Are you my girlfriend?” Sai asks. “We haven’t talked about any labels.”</p><p>“I’m in love with you.” Tenten says. Sai shrugs.</p><p>“I am in love with you, too.” He says, “but that’s not my question.”</p><p>“There isn’t, nor has there ever been anyone else.” She feels like this is one of those things that ought to be self-evident.</p><p>“I don’t want to see other people.” Sai picks up his mug, swishing his tea. “That wasn’t my question.” Sai feels nervous. Tenten nods.</p><p>“I thought I was your girlfriend this whole time.” She says softly. Sai smiles and nods.</p><p>“I like that idea,” he sips his tea. “That means I’ve been your boyfriend this whole time.” He smiles, and leans across the table and, using his pointer finger, picks up a loose eyelash from below her eye. He shows her the eyelash. She smiles.</p><p>“You should make a wish.” She said.</p><p>“A wish?” he asks.</p><p>“It’s what you are supposed to do with you find an eyelash. You make a wish and blow it away,” Tenten puts her chin on her fist. “It’s a superstition.”</p><p>“Superstition.” Sai says to himself. He turns the word around his head. He is an orphan and a shinobi. No one ever taught him to avoid cracks in concrete or to be wary of black cats. Superstitions mean little to him, however, as he has gotten older he has realized that they are important to other people. He tucks this away in his mind, under things that are important to Tenten. He wants a real life with her. This won’t be the last time he has to do this.</p><p>Sai looks at her eyelash. It is dark and thick. He thinks about what he wants most. He looks up at Tenten, who is smiling at him.</p><p>“I don’t know what to wish for.” He says. Tenten shrugs.</p><p>“It can be anything,” she says, “you’re not supposed to tell me.”</p><p>“Why?” he asks.</p><p>“Then I’ll make it happen, and you won’t know if it’s me or the magic.” Tenten smiles. Sai looks at the hair on his finger.</p><p>“Magic.” He repeats. She nods.</p><p>“Maybe it will be extra strong, because it is my eyelash.” She says with a wink.</p><p>“Why?” he asks in his blank voice. Tenten rolls her eyes.</p><p>“Because I love you.” She replies. Sai smiles.</p><p>“I thought you didn’t want to influence the outcome of my wish.” Sai has a warm expression on his face.</p><p>“I didn’t say I couldn’t give it a nudge,” Tenten blushes. Sai nods, pursing his lips.</p><p>What does he want? He wants to end up with Tenten. She’s the person he wants the most. Things are good, but he knows that life can be hard. He hopes they can stick it out. He doesn’t think magic is real, so he is pretty sure that he isn’t binding her to him against her will by doing this. He thinks about Tenten, and how nice it would be to be with her, always.</p><p>Sai concentrates, and he blows the eyelash off of his finger. Where do eyelashes go, and do they really take wishes with them? Sai looks off into space, and then turns back to Tenten. She smiles, holding up his book for him. She found his exact place. He takes it from her, and smiles.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Hinata can’t stop thinking about the throbbing between her legs, and the fact that she is going to be late. She is walking around the bedroom, naked, looking for her underwear. Sasuke lies on the bed, arms behind his head, watching her.</p><p>“Do you need help?” he drawls. Hinata stands up and shoots him a look, and Sasuke laughs.</p><p>“This isn’t funny!” Hinata looks around. Her panties are pink lace. They are her favorite pair. She gets on all fours, and looks under the bed. She hears the bed shift as Sasuke gets up, and starts walking around.</p><p>“You might have to just wear a different pair.” She gets on her knees to look up at him. His hair is still wet from his shower earlier, and Hinata bites her lip. She should have just left while he was in there, instead of trying to get him to help pick her outfit. Now she is naked, looking for her underwear, and she has no idea what she will wear to see her dad.</p><p>Sasuke walks around her, and goes to the closet, opening it. Hinata goes back to looking for her underwear, not paying attention to him. She once read a book with the following line: “we ate the animal out of each other’s bodies.” Sex with Sasuke is a race to devour each other. It’s a game that never ends and no one wins; her favorite kind.</p><p>When she sees the edge of pink lace under the hamper, she smiles. “Found ‘em.” Hinata crawls over and reaches for the pink lace. Sasuke just cleaned the apartment this morning, so there are no dust bunnies hanging off of them. She stands up, and puts one leg, and then the other through, and pulls the lace up onto her hips. She turns to Sasuke, smiling.</p><p>“It’s funny that you care so much about the underwear you are wearing when you are going to meet your dad.” Sasuke is holding out a violet dress. Hinata stares at it, and Sasuke, growing impatient, shakes it on the hanger. “I think you should wear this.”</p><p>“You remembered?” Hinata asks. Sasuke frowns.</p><p>“Of course I remembered. I knew what my answer would be as soon as you asked.” Hinata smiles at him.</p><p>“You only initiated sex because you knew you could help me be on time.” Hinata walks back to the bed and sets the dress down, before reaching for her bra, which somehow ended up on the headboard. Sasuke watches her as she clips it on, doing nothing about his own nudity.</p><p>“You excited to see your dad?” Sasuke walks over the bed, and sits down beside the dress. Hinata presses her mouth together, and shrugs.</p><p>“He’s my father.” She walks to the dresser, to swipe on more deodorant. “He is himself.” She walks back over to the bed, and reaches for the dress. Sasuke reaches for her, and pulls her down by her hips onto him.</p><p>“I’m your daddy now.” He bites her shoulder. Hinata rolls her eyes.</p><p>“I only said that because you asked me to,” Hinata replies, “this is a give and take relationship.” Hinata looks him right in the eye, and smiles at him. “You’re gross.”</p><p>“Me? Gross?” he scoffs, “you are the one who obliged.” Sasuke kisses the side of her head. She kicks out her legs.</p><p>“I was just trying to make you happy.” Hinata squirms, and Sasuke lets her go. She grabs her dress and throws it on over her head. She turns to look at herself in the mirror. He had made a good choice.</p><p>“You don’t have try and make me happy,” he drawls, lying back on the bed. “I wouldn’t want you to do anything you weren’t comfortable doing.” Hinata shrugs.</p><p>“I don’t think you could make me uncomfortable.” She says quietly, smoothing down her dress. She holds her tummy in and stands straight. Hinata is, by no means, fat or hunch-backed, but he is continually impressed by the difference those habits make. She exhales, and looks at him.</p><p>“I need to brush my teeth.” She says. Sasuke blinks.</p><p>“Why? You did that this morning.” He remembers because he walked past the open door, and she kicked it back so he couldn’t see her spit. Lesser men would have jumped.</p><p>“Because your dick was in my mouth.” Hinata blinks at him. Sasuke starts laughing, and she narrows her eyes. Instead of responding, she walks out to the bathroom. He couldn’t help it. Something about the bluntness of her statement absolutely broke him. Little Hinata, talking about brushing her teeth after his dick had been in her mouth like it was raining and she needed an umbrella. She is too much sometimes.</p><p>When he figures out that she won’t come back in the room to say goodbye, he gets up and walks out to stand outside the closed bathroom door. When she opens it, she is surprised that he is right there, waiting.</p><p>“You won’t let me see you spit.” Sasuke says, “why?”</p><p>“I want you to think I’m a lady,” Hinata replies. The truth is that she thinks spitting is gross. She doesn’t get why Sasuke would want to see it. He isn’t missing anything.</p><p>“You’ve had my dick in your mouth,” he smirks, “I don’t think <em>that’s</em> ladylike.”</p><p>“Do you want me to stop?” Hinata teases. “Because I will, if it makes you see me as less than a lady.”</p><p>Sasuke has this particular face he makes whenever Hinata one ups him. His eyes go wide, and his mouth hangs open, like he is about to say something but he is beaten to the punch. He did it at the flower shop with Ino and Sai, and at the grocery store with Shino. It’s really cute, even though he only does it when she has shut him down. It reminds her of a meme. She showed it to Ino, and she agreed with Hinata: that was the face he made at the flower shop.</p><p>“You know you look like that yellow mouse when you do that.” Hinata grabs her purse. Sasuke blinks.</p><p>“A yellow mouse?” he asks.</p><p>“You know, stripes, red circles on its cheeks, shocks its enemies with electricity.” The name doesn’t come to her. She looks to Sasuke, whose head is tilted.</p><p>“Pikachu. You are talking about Pikachu.” He blinks. Hinata smiles.</p><p>“Yes! You have Pikachu face.” She hooks her purse on her shoulder and walks up to him. “It’s really cute.” Sasuke purses his lips, deeply unimpressed. This only amuses Hinata more.</p><p>“Pikachu face?” Sasuke replies.</p><p>“It’s actually kind of perfect, considering you have the chidori.” Hinata walks over to her sandals. Sasuke puts his hands on his hips.</p><p>“Really?” he asks. “Like, we are thinking of the same thing, right?” Hinata nods.</p><p>“Definitely. It’s like this.” Hinata does her best impression, which isn’t very good. Her mouth is too wide, and her eyes sort of bug out of her head. Sasuke sighs.</p><p>“You’re overdoing it. You need to look more stunned than surprised, like this.” Sasuke opens his mouth like he is about to say something, but freezes, like someone has snatched the words right from his throat. He does a perfect imitation of himself.</p><p>“That’s the face.” Hinata smiles, putting on her sandals. She pauses, looking at him. He is still naked, and but his face has relaxed back into a smile. His arms are crossed as he leans against the wall.</p><p>Sasuke watches Hinata look at him with a smile on her face. It makes him feel squidgy on the inside. “Hinata?” she blinks.</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“I hope you have a good time with your dad.” She doesn’t talk much about her childhood, but from the bits and pieces she has shared, as well his friends’ collective perceptions, Hiashi sounds like a difficult man to be around. Sasuke’s father was hard to please, too. Sasuke would like to think that if his father were still alive, they would have repaired their relationship.</p><p>“Thank you.” She pauses. “I love you. I’ll be home for dinner.” Hinata pauses at the door.</p><p>“You’re going to be late.” He says.</p><p>“I already am late.” She replies.</p><p>“You better hurry anyway.” Sasuke smiles, and Hinata opens to door and leaves, shutting it behind her. Sasuke blinks, and then goes up to the door.</p><p>He turns the lock, and then heads back to bed.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Sai slides into the booth beside Tenten. He came to the bar with Sakura, and Kiba was already there with Tenten. He raises his eyebrows at Tenten, and she rolls her eyes and puts her hand on his thigh. Kiba makes a fake gagging noise, and Sakura smirks.</p><p>“So, it’s official.” Sakura says.</p><p>“And we are the first two you want to go out with?” Kiba says. “Wouldn’t it be better to go with an actual couple, like Shikamaru and Ino?”</p><p>“Sakura is Sai’s best friend and you were available.” Tenten replies. Kiba narrows his eyes as Sai picks up a menu and offers it to Sakura. She takes it from his hand with a smile.</p><p>“I’m happy you two found each other,” Kiba begins, “I really am. But remember what I asked for?” Tenten sighs, and Sai looks at her in confusion.</p><p>“Ask for?” Sai directs his question to Tenten, but it is Kiba who answers.</p><p>“I made one simple request of Sakura, Tenten and Hinata. That they date men who aren’t in our friend group, so we can cut them out easily if things go to shit.” Kiba pauses. “I’m not saying they’ll got to shit.” Sai blinks.</p><p>“Oh.” He says. Tenten narrows her eyes at Kiba, while her hand rests on Sai’s leg.</p><p>“Kiba.” Tenten hisses. She uses her Anbu voice, which is close to her ‘Neji/Lee/Sasuke Shut the Fuck Up Before I Make You’ voice, both of which are less intimidating than her ‘Don’t You Dare Say Anything Bad to Sai’ voice. Sakura watches the interaction. She has never seen Tenten act so…protective. It makes Sakura feel warm. Sai needs to be protected.</p><p>“Yeesh, Tenten,” Kiba smirks, “you take everything so personally. Sai is a man. He will live.” Kiba leans back in his seat. “I just don’t want to hear any complaining after. I still haven’t recovered from learning more about Naruto than I ever wanted.”</p><p>“First, I’m not planning on an after and second,” Tenten leans across the table, “I was there too, and I would <em>never</em> subject you to that.” Kiba, satisfied, takes a sip of his beer.</p><p>Sakura and Sai exchange a look. “What do you two know about Naruto?” Sakura asks. Kiba winces, and Tenten shakes her head.</p><p>“You’re both better off not knowing.” Tenten replies.</p><p>“I know for sure I’d be.” Kiba says. “So, this thing between you two,” he points his finger at the space between them, “is serious?” Tenten and Sai look at each other, smiling.</p><p>“I’d say it is,” she replies. Kiba sips his beer, while Sakura smiles up from the menu.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Hinata and her father try to have tea on the first Sunday of every month. When she gets to the house, she is expected to go straight to his office, where he will be waiting. They will meet while he is looking over different scrolls. It is rude, but she knows he does it because he still hasn’t figured out how he can look her in the eye after everything he did. She has learned to accept her father’s emotional limitations the way he has accepted that she will never truly be comfortable in his presence.</p><p>She sits across from him, hands in her lap, blinking. She thinks he has always loved her. He has killed two people, that she knows of, to protect her, and he hasn’t had her sealed. She would like to think that it was more than for the preservation of the byakugan. He has called her formidable, and he is proud of her career at T&amp;I. But, to put it plainly, Ibiki is more of a father to her than Hiashi ever was, and she has only worked with him for eighteen months. <em>Is father just as embarrassed by how shallow our relationship is?</em> Hinata wonders to herself. It occurs to her that her father actually prefers this level of emotional engagement. Perhaps, it is all he is capable of.</p><p>If so, then she feels very sorry for her late mother. <em>Who could have sex with that icicle?</em></p><p>Hinata sips her tea while her father reads over a scroll. He hasn’t asked her any questions. He never does anymore. It is how he shows that she has matured beyond his belittling.</p><p>But she has a question. One she has wanted to ask for a very long time, and the deeper things get with the Sasuke, the more curious she has become.</p><p>“Father,” she says in the lily soft voice he trained her to address him with, “what did you want for me?” Hiashi looks up at her, and blinks impassively.</p><p>“What kind of question is that?” he asks. Hinata withholds her sigh.</p><p>“When I was born, what kind of life did you want for me?” she restates the question. She doesn’t know if she wants the answer. She doubts it will be something like, <em>happiness</em>, you know, the things parents actually wish for their children.</p><p>“It was never a question of what I wanted, but what was good for the clan.” He pauses. “You are no longer the heir, but you are good for the clan.” He nods his head, and looks back to his file.</p><p>“Oh.” This is the most affection she has been able to squeeze out of him.</p><p>“Was that not the answer you wanted?” Hiashi doesn’t look up from his scrolls. Hinata sips her tea.</p><p>“It was better than I expected.” Hinata replies frostily. Hiashi gives her a hard look before returning to his paperwork. She does not miss the smile on his face.</p><p>She shouldn’t be surprised. He taught her himself that the strong don’t silence themselves in the face of what they really want.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Sai is hunched over a drawing. He hasn’t left his spot in two hours. Tenten admires his dedication. She finished cleaning her weapons, so she just sits on the floor, looking up at him. Sai has a focused expression, and she can tell that he is only vaguely aware of her.</p><p>Tenten stands up and stretches. Not wanting to bother him, and feeling sleepy, she walks over to the couch and curls up under a blanket. She is asleep in ten minutes, and Sai smiles to himself when she starts snoring. He doesn’t say anything, because he doesn’t think she would handle it well, but he thinks her snoring is cute. He is pretty sure his body is trained to find it relaxing.</p><p>It’s been two hours, and he <em>is </em>feeling a little sleepy. He yawns and stretches, leaving her in the living room. Sai walks into his bedroom and stretches out on his stomach. In ten minutes, he is out. An hour later, he wakes up to Tenten crawling in beside him. He moves over, and puts an arm over her stomach. Another hour rolls by, and he is on his side, her cold toes tucked between his calves and her hot breath on his neck.</p><p>Sai presses his back into her, and goes back to sleep.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Neji likes to take Hinata out after she visits her father. He knows, from personal experience, how hard it is to earn Hiashi’s approval. It is late afternoon, and they are sitting on the rail of a bridge, their legs dangling over the water. Hinata isn’t as deflated as she usually is after these things. Neji thinks it’s progress.</p><p>“How is Hiashi?” he asks. Hinata shrugs.</p><p>“Himself.” She replies. Neji nods.</p><p>“Always.” He kicks a leg out. They are quiet for a bit, until Neji decides to ask about the obvious.</p><p>“Sasuke has been in a good mood lately.” He murmurs. Hinata hums before answering.</p><p>“He seems alright.”</p><p>“You would know.” Neji turns to look at her.</p><p>“He is very obvious with his moods,” she says, “he can’t hide how he feels about anything.” She shrugs, and Neji pins her with a look.</p><p>“I’m not blind, Hinata.” He remarks quietly. She bites her lip, and looks out over the water.</p><p>“We don’t know if we want people to know.” Her voice is quiet.</p><p>“People know.” Neji replies, “I have for nearly six months.”</p><p>“Everyone is so nosey,” she sighs, “and people always want a piece of him. I just want him to know peace.”</p><p>“Do you want to keep it a secret? Neji asks. He has a way of always cutting to the core of a problem. Hinata frowns.</p><p>“No,” she says, “I really don’t want it to be a secret.” Hinata looks at Neji, who gives her a sympathetic look.</p><p>“Hinata, you are his girlfriend. He chose you.” Neji sighs, rubbing his forehead. It astounds him how incredibly stupid Sasuke can insist on being. “You aren’t a fan girl or someone with ulterior motives. You aren’t entitled to everything, but when you are in a relationship, it is expected that you each have a public claim to each other.”</p><p>“I know,” she says quietly, “but it is hard getting him to see that.”</p><p>“Have you ever told him how much it hurts you?” Neji asks. “You need to be vulnerable too. You two can’t pretend there are no differences between you two. Eventually they will assert themselves.” This has occurred to Hinata several times. It is dishonest, settling to avoid conflict. She thinks about her conversation with her father. He didn’t raise her silence herself. Intentionally.</p><p>“I’ll try talking to him soon.” She sighs, “but it’s going to take some time for me to figure out what to say.” Neji shrugs.</p><p>“You have time.” He says, “I see how he looks at you. He isn’t going anywhere.” Hinata smiles.</p><p>“You think?”</p><p>“He jokes about being happy,” Neji replies. “He used to frown and pick on Sai, but he hasn’t done that in almost a year.” Hinata smiles, and they kick their legs out in tandem, looking out over the water.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Tenten and Sai are sitting beside each other, looking up at the sky. Neji is meditating in the forest, so they have to speak quietly. Sasuke is off somewhere, probably skulking around for their dinner. He and Neji have this bizarre insistence on taking some alone time when they are on long missions. Sai says that they do it to break up the monotony, but considering the fact that it has only become more frequent since she and Sai got together, Tenten suspects that it is their way of giving her and Sai some privacy. <em>What do they think we are going to do</em>, she thinks, <em>have sex on the job?</em> Tenten smirks to herself.</p><p>She reaches for Sai’s hand, and rubs her thumb into his palm. “Do you think there is any truth to the chemtrail conspiracy?” she asks. Sai looks at her, tilting his head.</p><p>“What is the chemtrail conspiracy?” he asks.</p><p>“That the condensation trails left by airplanes are actually made up of chemical and biological agents, sprayed upon the general public by the ominous powers that be.” Tenten blinks, “you know, stuff like population control, psychological manipulation, things like that.” Sai blinks.</p><p>“Who are the ominous powers that be?” he asks.</p><p>“The government.” Tenten lets go of his hand to wrap her arms around her knees. She looks like a child when she does that.</p><p>“The government is spraying us with chemtrails.” It’s not that Sai thinks government agencies are innocent, because they’re not. He just thinks the truth is infinitely more horrifying and banal than airplanes spraying toxins everywhere.</p><p>“Lee and I read about conspiracy theories.” Tenten says, “he is really into them.”</p><p>“I think the truth is subtler and far more sophisticated,” Sai says, “governments and other bodies looking to secure power don’t resort to such clownish schemes.” Tenten looks at him, intrigued.</p><p>“You’ve actually put thought into this?” she asks. She knows Sai is smart, but she had expected him to dismiss her.</p><p>“The ominous powers that be always tell you who they are. It’s just that people don’t listen, because they are busy looking for a mountain when it’s really a molehill.” Sai kicks his legs out. “We’re in Anbu. Why do you think we wear masks? Because people are more terrified of the theatrics of a someone wearing a mask than they are knowing that there are mercenaries for hire, who have been trained since childhood, to infiltrate, deceive and kill people. I don’t get why no one in the general public asks why we need shinobi in the first place.” Sai looks at his cuticles. Tenten nods her head. He makes sense.</p><p>“Sai,” she says, “how do you feel about what we do for a living?” Sai loops his wrist around her ankle, tracing a circle on the top of her foot.</p><p>“We are weaponry for the state. Nothing less, nothing more.” He replies. “There are probably whole conspiracies about us, and none of them come close to that horrifying and simple truth. Governments don’t have principles. They desire power.” Sai has a way of always sounding like he accepts whatever is before him. Tenten frowns. It figures Neji would drag her into something like this. He is messy.</p><p>“But how do you feel about it?” she asks. Sai shrugs.</p><p>“Nothing, anymore. Do you?” he asks. Tenten thinks about his statement.</p><p>“I don’t feel like I can change now. It’s too late for me.” She sounds deflated. Sai gives her a soft look.</p><p>“It’s never really too late.” He says, trying to be comforting. Tenten shakes her head.</p><p>“It is.” She smiles, “but if I see an opportunity to change, I’ll take you with me.” Sai kisses her shoulder.</p><p>“Sounds like a plan.”</p><p>“What’s the plan?” Sasuke comes back into the clearing, holding two dead rabbits by their hind legs.</p><p>“None of your business.” Tenten glares at him. He always interrupts her and Sai when they are having a moment. Sasuke rolls his eyes.</p><p>“I gave you two hours to pet and breathe on each other.” Sasuke drops the rabbits on the ground, looking for the firewood. “Don’t act like I don’t care about you two.”</p><p>“We were talking about the chemtrail conspiracy.” Sai speaks before Tenten can. Sasuke snorts.</p><p>“Oh, that?” he laughs. “The truth is way more horrifying.” Sai nods.</p><p>“That’s what I was said.” Sai wraps his arm around Tenten’s waist, and pulls her closer to his side.</p><p>“Did you know that people tell stories about us?” Sasuke asks. Sai and Tenten shake their heads. “Hinata says that prisoners refer to us by our names. Apparently Neji and I are seven feet tall and can kill with a look, Sai moves faster than lightning and Ten is some sort of assassin par excellence. Man, if they knew the fucking truth.” Sasuke shakes his head.</p><p>Tenten sighs, and tucks her head between her knees as Sai gets up to help Sasuke with dinner. When Neji comes back and asks if she is okay, Sasuke shrugs and tells him that she only just learned that they are the subjects of conspiracy theories. Neji nods his head, and leaves her to sort through her melted brain.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Hinata likes it when Sasuke drives with his hand on her thigh. His hands are nice and rough, and she will stick her fingers between his and curve them into his palm. He doesn’t say anything as she does this. He just lets her. If he needs his hand, he knows he can just tug away and she will release him. He trusts her enough to hold him immobile. Sasuke has never felt that way about a woman before.</p><p>They are going to go spend the day by the lake. He rented a car, which he picked up this morning. It’s a four door sedan. It’s chilly, but Hinata insisted on wearing her bathing suit under her sweatpants and a cardigan. Her sweater is off, so he can see her shoulders. It is a black one piece, with scoop that goes low on her back. He is wearing a sweater and jeans, since he will most definitely not be going in the water for a swim.</p><p>He drums his fingers on the wheel. They go to the lake to do their thing. He has a book he wants to read, and she likes to lie out in sun with her head on his stomach. They can be more affectionate out here. No one they know is around. It is just them and the birds.</p><p>It takes two hours to get there. They have made it through the first forty-five minutes. Sometimes, when he is driving, Sasuke will remember little bits of his childhood. His father used to take them on drives. “You want to know something gross about me, Hinata?” he asks.</p><p>“Nothing you do is gross to me.” She replies, looking at him. He rolls his eyes. Human existence is gross. It distinguishes humanity from the rest of the animal kingdom.</p><p>“Well, when my family would go on drives, mom would buy gum. She would buy this really strong mint gum for her and dad, and this fruity stuff for Itachi and I.” Sasuke smiles out the windshield. “Itachi and I would chew threw it quickly, and I would always end up asking for some of mom and dad’s gum. I was really little, like five, and she always told me I wouldn’t like it. So, she gave me a piece and it just totally stung my mouth, so Itachi took it out of my mouth, chewed it for the first minute to take the kick out, and then put is back in my mouth.” Sasuke laughs to himself. “I started just handing him the gum, fresh from the packet, for him to chew for me. Mom thought it was really funny.” Sasuke misses his brother. If Itachi will love him for always, Sasuke will love Itachi for whatever surpasses that amount of time.</p><p>Hinata makes it easier to talk about his family. Part of it is because he loves her and wants to share himself with her. Another, bigger part of it is that they do so many domestic things together, that it is impossible for him to repress the memories. They just pop up, and he speaks about them.</p><p>He looks to her, and she smiles. “I have something better.”</p><p>“Better?” Sasuke asks. Hinata smiles into space.</p><p>“Grosser.”</p><p>“Nope,” he says, “not possible.”</p><p>“Hanabi and I used to go outside without sunscreen, and get burned so bad that the skin would peel, on purpose. We wouldn’t put aloe on in or anything.” Hinata says, “we would peel each other’s skin off.” Sasuke makes a gagging noise, and Hinata starts laughing. “It is a lot of fun!”</p><p>“You’re right,” he laughs, “that is grosser.” He squeezes her hand, as she looks out the window. It’s surprising, how it feels like they will never know enough about each other. They both want every memory, to taste every doubt and hope and feeling the other has ever had. It’s not an obsession. Just a desire that flares up every now and then.</p><p>Hinata looks back over to Sasuke, twirling a lock of hair around her free hand. “What if I dyed my hair blonde?” Would you still love me?” Sasuke snorts.</p><p>“It’s your hair, not mine.” He says, “you do you.”</p><p>“Kiba says if you change your hair, you can change your life.”</p><p>“Kiba is a simpleton.” Sasuke replies. Hinata frowns.</p><p>“That’s mean.” She says.</p><p>“It’s true.” He grunts. Kiba is a practical, sensible person because he sees the world in simple terms. He has no grasp on nuance. He can only think in black and white terms.</p><p>“Whatever,” she says. “Ino and I were talking about me dying my hair blonde.” Sasuke exhales, readying himself for whatever scheme they are plotting. “What if Ino and I became twins? I could dye my hair, we would wear the same clothes, the whole bit?”</p><p>“Hinata,” Sasuke says, “I don’t know Shikamaru well, nor do I want to, but I can assure you that our greatest nightmare is you and Ino fusing into one being.” Hinata laughs.</p><p>“We would never.” Hinata squeezes his hand. “Our bits would fall apart. We rely too much on her being loud and me being quiet.”</p><p>“You know,” he starts, “I want to be mad that it’s comedy and not my sanity keeping you and Ino from becoming one, but you know what, as long as something is preventing it, I’m fine.” Hinata laughs.</p><p>“You make it sound like Ino is a bad influence.”</p><p>“I’m not saying that,” he says, “I just love you as is.”</p><p>“Ino has made your life so much better.” He can hear the giggle in her voice.</p><p>“How?”</p><p>“Ino sends Shikamaru dirty pictures. It’s where I got the idea from.” Hinata says. Sasuke makes a choking noise.</p><p>“That’s why you started doing that?” he doesn’t take his eyes off the road, but he considers it.</p><p>“She helps me with lighting and everything.” Hinata says, “You should be nicer to her.”</p><p>“What, do you want me to fall in love with her too?” Sasuke huffs. Hinata rolls her eyes.</p><p>“You’ll never love her,” she says, “you two would drive each other insane. Now, Shikamaru and I? We would have a nice, functional life together. But you and Ino? It would combust.” Hinata drops his hand so she can pull her hands apart as she says <em>boom</em>. He wrinkles his nose at the idea of Hinata being with someone else.</p><p>“None of that will ever happen.” Sasuke grunts, “not in past, present or future life times.”</p><p>“She can’t love you like I do,” Hinata adds, “I would chew gum for you and put it in your mouth.”</p><p>“Gross,” he sticks his tongue out. Hinata smiles.</p><p>“You’d help peel my sunburn.” She says, looking out at the road. “Don’t act like you wouldn’t.”</p><p>“It would be under duress.” He replies.</p><p>“I don’t make you do anything.” She says, stretching her legs.</p><p>“Fine, I’d do it in a heartbeat. But only for you.” Sasuke mutters. “Don’t tell anyone I said that.”</p><p>“Not even Ino?” Hinata bats her eyelashes. It’s a weird gesture on her.</p><p>“Especially not Ino.” Sasuke taps his hand against her thigh.</p><p>“But she gets ideas for her and Shikamaru from us.” Hinata replies, “it’s a two-way street.”</p><p>Sasuke makes a face like he has tasted something bad. Hinata gives him a worried look.</p><p>“Sasuke?” she asks, “are you okay?”</p><p>“Sorry,” he says, “I’m just trying to get over the fact that my boss probably knows about all the things we say to each other in bed.”</p><p>“Shikamaru isn’t our boss.” Hinata counters.</p><p>“He might as well be, and you aren’t denying it?!” Sasuke exclaims. Hinata shrugs.</p><p>“Ino and I get bored at work, and you and Shikamaru have the worst hours. We brainstorm.” Hinata grins evilly, “neither of you complain.”</p><p>“You know, if Shikamaru and I are all that are keeping you and Ino apart, you don’t have to lie. Go for it, I <em>dare</em> you.” Sasuke grips the wheel. Hinata <em>hmmms</em>, like she is thinking about it. But she shrugs with a <em>nah</em>. Sasuke laughs.</p><p>“Why? Ino is prettier than me. You are for sure prettier than Shikamaru.” His smile is lopsided. She would never admit it, but she likes it when he teases her.</p><p>“There are other people, but only one Uchiha Sasuke and Nara Shikamaru. I want you, she wants Shikamaru.” Hinata looks at her nails. “When you know, you know. You know?”</p><p>“That’s a lot of knowing.” Sasuke says quietly.</p><p>“You’re a prodigy.” She smiles. “You get it.” Sasuke smirks and nods. Does he ever.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry for the wait. The stage has been set for the plot to actually happen. If you have been reading this so far, thanks! I appreciate it. I will go back and fix mistakes as I find them. Stay safe out there in the age of COVID.</p><p>Sasuke read Michel Foucault's collection of lectures "Society Must Be Defended" and "The History of Sexuality Part I". The book Hinata is thinking of is The Chronology of Water by Lidia Yuknavitch.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Another Indignity to Survive</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A bundle of cilantro, a bloody kunai and deep, deep regret.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“’It all went up in flames”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Phoebe Bridgers, “Garden Song”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Tenten has this face she makes at the grocery store. It is hyper-focused. Her brows furrow and her jaw sits tight on her face. She always has a list, but it is different each week and she is hopeless at remembering where things are. At least once, she will insist to Sai that the grocery store must have moved at least one item around. That has never been the case. But Sai likes indulging her, so he simply nudges her in the right direction, until they find what she is looking for. She blushes after and apologizes to him for all the mean things she said about the grocery store (never the people who work there—she attributes an intelligence to the physical store that Sai doesn’t understand).</p><p>She found the cilantro by herself today. Sai is pushing the shopping cart, watching her mutter to herself over the herbs. Sai is indifferent to cilantro, and she only needs it for a specific recipe. They always sell cilantro in huge bundles, and she is trying to find the smallest one without touching all the produce. Sai sometimes doodles little thumbnails of her doing things at the grocery store.</p><p>He is in the middle of doing this when she finally asks for his input.</p><p>“How do you feel about eating a lot of cilantro this week?” she asks, biting her lip.</p><p>“I don’t mind,” he says, “cilantro is fine.” He truly does not care, but she puts a lot of thought into his preferences, even the ones that don’t exist. She is always double-checking and re-checking.</p><p>“Why do they sell it like this?” she huffs, and Sai smiles and shrugs. She’s cute when she’s mad. He is about to say something to that effect, since she always calms down when he calls her cute, when they hear a voice come up from behind.</p><p>“Hi!” Sakura comes over, holding a basket. Sai smiles, and Tenten waves. “How are you two?”</p><p>“Tenten wants to know why herbs are sold in large bundles.” Sai replies. “I am a mere spectator.” She rolls her eyes at him, and Sakura smiles at the two of them. They are a lot cuter than Shikamaru and Ino. Sakura has no idea what Sasuke and Hinata are like as a couple, since they still won’t admit to being one, but she doubts that Sasuke would be much better than Shikamaru at waiting by a cart. She looks at the doodles on Sai’s note pad, and she gives him a knowing look that makes the tips of his ears turn pink.</p><p>“So you are deciding whether or not you want to eat cilantro for a week.” Sakura states.</p><p>“Does Sai really not care about cilantro?” Tenten asks. Sai and Sakura blink at each other.</p><p>“I don’t have a preference.” He says.</p><p>“Sai has never mentioned disliking it.” Sakura adds. Tenten frowns to herself.</p><p>“But cilantro is such a divisive herb,” she says. She turns to Sai, “do you really not care?”</p><p>“I truly do not.” He smiles. She exhales, and simply picks up a bundle and puts it into the plastic bag she already has in her hand.</p><p>Sakura smiles, and pats Sai’s arm before walking off. She turns back to watch them as Tenten sets off and Sai follows her with the cart. They don’t always touch, but they always seem together. They just move through the world like two securely attached people who don’t need to hold hands for everyone to know that they are an item.</p><p><em>They are definitely the cutest</em>, Sakura smiles to herself before returning to her list.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Today, Ino walked into work and declared that she would be doing all the desk work, while Hinata would be scuttling around, delivering their reports. She had shrugged in response. Ino had been coming down with something for the last few days, and Hinata was in a restless mood. She had been thinking about her conversation with Neji, and how she wants Sasuke to go public with her.</p><p>Hinata has admitted to Ino that she is seeing someone. Hinata talks candidly about her sex life, and Ino always listens. She has not told Ino that it is Sasuke, although it feels increasingly like everyone knows anyway.</p><p>The more she thinks about the conversation, the more ways she thinks of how it could go wrong. He may never want people to know. Hinata loves him with her whole being, but she doesn’t think she can stay in a relationship that feels like it is going nowhere. The next steps, like moving in together, getting married, having children, are all things that have a public dimension. Hinata always saw those things in her future. Her love for Sasuke is epic in scope, but that doesn’t mean that she has forgotten about all the things she wants from a relationship.</p><p>She bites her lip, a stack of folders in her arms. These are all for Shikamaru. She gets off the elevator, and walks down the hall towards his office, not bothering to knock, because he is expecting her.</p><p>“Here are all the intelligence reports related to the Western border from the last fifteen years.” Hinata walks in and places them carefully on his desk. She looks up, and sees Sasuke standing there, mask off and arms crossed, in front of Shikamaru’s desk. Shikamaru has a pinched expression, and Sasuke looks irritated.</p><p>“Am I interrupting something?” she looks to Sasuke first, but it is Shikamaru who speaks up.</p><p>“No. He is just here to help me go over the files.” Shikamaru sits back in his seat, crossing his arms. Sasuke looks at Hinata, a hard look on his face.</p><p>“This is a waste of my time.” Sasuke replies.</p><p>“Don’t be so rude.” Hinata says, not even thinking.</p><p>“Yes,” Shikamaru says, “listen to Hinata.” Sasuke glares, but he says nothing. Shikamaru watches as Hinata blinks and her mouth opens, before her mouth sets in a line and her eyes narrow.</p><p>Shikamaru looks between the two of them as they stare each other down. Hinata’s face is bright pink, but she doesn’t apologize or back down. Shikamaru is actually quite impressed that Hinata, of all people, would stand up to Sasuke. He is even more surprised when Sasuke huffs and looks away first, tucking his hands into his pockets. It has been a long minute.</p><p>“Shikamaru,” Hinata says softly, “do you need anything else?”</p><p>“No.” He chooses to be economical.</p><p>“Don’t hesitate to call if you need anything else.” Hinata looks at Sasuke one last time, blinking. Her face softens slightly, and Shikamaru can tell that whatever weird tiff they were having is over. Sasuke offers a small smile, and Hinata nods before leaving.</p><p>Sasuke still has a smile on his face when the door clicks shut. Shikamaru puts his elbows on his desk, his chin on his hands.</p><p>“Do you ever think about how you and Sai are like Neji and Hiashi?” Shikamaru smirks. Sasuke blinks, deciding to take the high road and remains silent. He picks up a file and says nothing. “No?”</p><p>“Is there a point?” Sasuke says in as a neutral a tone as he can muster.</p><p>“No,” Shikamaru shrugs, “I just think it is really funny to contemplate whether or not you and Sai are a symptom rather than the cause of Hinata and Tenten’s turn towards humorless men.”</p><p>“Hinata and I aren’t dating.” Sasuke drawls.</p><p>“Then what, exactly, are you two doing?” Shikamaru doesn’t like Sasuke, but he does like needling him whenever he can. It’s a perk that comes with the position.</p><p>“I can’t speak for her, but I go home and stare at a wall to help unwind after work.” Sasuke concentrates very hard on Ino’s neat handwriting. Shikamaru smiles, knowing he has him.</p><p>“Humorless, check.” He replies.</p><p>“I’m not dating Hinata,” Sasuke replies, “and Sai has a sense of humor.”</p><p>“Is that what you want to call it?” he asks. “It takes Sai minutes to figure out a punchline.”</p><p>“The other day he said that your idea of fun is seeing how far you can push our team before someone commits a murder-suicide.” Sasuke drawls, “I thought that was pretty funny. I laughed.” Shikamaru picks up his own file, and flips it open.</p><p>“At least Sai can admit he is in a relationship,” Shikamaru replies, “personally, if I had to date anyone on Team Seven, it would be him.”</p><p>“Who, if they heard you say that, would commit crimes faster. Sakura or Ino?” Sasuke asks.</p><p>“Sakura is way more insecure than Ino.” Shikamaru drawls, “at this rate, Sai and I will be happily married before you can admit that you and Hinata are dating.”</p><p>“We aren’t dating.” Sasuke says, looking at his file. Shikamaru looks up at Sasuke, and blinks.</p><p>“I don’t know why you are denying it when you let her call you rude. She is the only person I have seen who calls you out without first contemplating whether or not they like the current arrangement of their facial features.” Shikamaru says. “I’ll believe you when you can look me in the eye and say that there is nothing going on.”</p><p>Sasuke turns pink and hums at his file, while Shikamaru smiles and sips his coffee. It’s worth having Ino send Hinata up just to watch Sasuke squirm. Ino was right; he is in a way better mood now.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Tenten and Sai usually stay at his place, and it is for one practical reason. He has more furniture than she does. He doesn’t mind, since it makes his life easier, but when they are at her place, he thinks it would be nice to have the option of eating somewhere other than over the counter, on the floor or on her bed. That’s all.</p><p>He has suggested it before, but she always blows him off. He can’t tell if it’s because she doesn’t care what he thinks, or she simply doesn’t want to change. He isn’t asking for much. Just a chair, maybe a table.</p><p>He sits cross-legged on her bed, eating a piece of toast with the plate right under his mouth. Tenten doesn’t care about crumbs, but he does. She doesn’t live like an animal, but he suspects that not having furniture gives her a certain level of freedom that she couldn’t enjoy if everything had its proper place. Bed couldn’t be the dining room if there were a table. The floor couldn’t be the lounge if there were chairs. She is more of a free spirit than she is given credit for.</p><p>Tenten comes over to him from the kitchen. He clears his throat to speak. “You should buy more furniture.” He hopes that restating it will help it sink in.</p><p>“Why do I need more furniture?” Tenten is in a good mood; everything in her life is going well. She is wearing her little shorts and a sports bra, and she wiggles her hips the way he likes but won’t admit to noticing. Sai eyes her hips, but he doesn’t forget his question.</p><p>“Then I wouldn’t have to worry about getting crumbs all over your bed.” He pops the last bit of toast in his mouth, chewing. He sets the plate down on the floor, and as he sits up, he sees that she now stands in front of him.</p><p>“I don’t care about crumbs,” she shrugs, “you know that.” She is about to add something, when Sai grabs her hips, and she winds up on top of him. He lies back on the bed, his forehead pressed to her breastbone. Sai likes how her sweat smells.</p><p>She sits up, looking down at him. “Do you really care about crumbs that much?” Sai nods.</p><p>“You’re salaried. You can afford furniture.”</p><p>“But I don’t want it.” She replies, rolling off of him so she can lie down beside him.</p><p>“Why?” he asks. Sai has always done what was expected of him. Well, accept deciding to have emotions. But everything else he has done because it is what other people told him to do.</p><p>“I just like the freedom, I guess.” Tenten says. “I feel bohemian.”</p><p>“Bohemian?” he replies, “as in, artsy and free?”</p><p>“Only the free part,” Tenten sighs, “I’m not an artist.” She frowns, rolling onto her side to look at him. “I like knowing that I could leave this place behind, if I had to.” Sai looks at her, an unreadable expression on his face.</p><p>“Leave?”</p><p>“I just don’t like feeling settled.” She replies, “the idea of moving in and having a big girl place makes me feel like I would be…”</p><p>“Cruising?” Sai asks, wondering if he used the word right. If he recalls correctly, it is what Tenten liked about him.</p><p>“No, cruising is your thing.” She says, “you don’t get attached to things that don’t matter. But I’m the kind of person who would name the coffee table. If I settled here, I am afraid that I would never change.”</p><p>Sai tilts his head, wondering what matters. “Oh,” he replies. Tenten nods.</p><p>“Oh.” She leans down and puts her face in his armpit.</p><p>“What are you doing?” he asks. She looks up with a sheepish look on her face.</p><p>“I like how your sweat smells.” Tenten turns pink, and Sai smiles. He says nothing, and for a second, she thinks that she has finally weirded him out, until he rolls on top of her and confesses that he put his face in her chest to do the exact same thing.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>When he gets home that night, Sasuke knows that it will be weird. He shouldn’t have glared at Hinata the way he had. She had spoken to him unprofessionally but she had a point. Sasuke didn’t need to be rude. Then Shikamaru kept him late into the evening. There are times where he feels like he is stuck in life, but Sasuke doesn’t know where else he can go.</p><p>He is one of the greatest ninja in the village, he is in Anbu, he knows the truth of the Uchiha massacre. He has accomplished everything he wanted to do, but something still feels like it is missing. On an intellectual level, he knows that he isn’t twelve anymore, but that does nothing to fix the emptiness of realizing that getting what he thought he wanted didn’t change his life.</p><p>He walks into the apartment, and Hinata is drinking water, sitting on the couch. Her back is against one of the arms, and her legs are spread across the couch seats. She is wearing sweatpants and a big t-shirt. Sasuke is pretty sure both belong to him. He frowns. He should really bring more clothes over. It’s a pain having to go back to his apartment whenever Hinata claims another piece of clothing for herself.</p><p>She looks up at him, unmoving. He can tell that he really upset her this morning. Sasuke locks the door, takes off his shoes and leaves his keys on the counter. He isn’t in the mood to discuss what happened, but even he knows that isn’t the way to approach conflict.</p><p>As he walks over to the couch, she says nothing. He goes to sit at the opposite end from her, but she lets out a quiet “stop.” Frowning, Sasuke turns his head to look at her. Hinata gestures for him to come over to her. When he does, she opens her legs, and gestures for him to sit between them.</p><p>“Why?” Sasuke asks, sitting down.</p><p>“I just want to see how it feels.” She says. “Put your legs up on the seat.” He does as he is told, and he leans his back into her chest. She hooks her outside leg up around his waist, so the sole of her foot rests flat on his thigh.</p><p>“Am I squishing you?” he murmurs, flopping his head back to look at her. Hinata shakes her head.</p><p>“No,” she says softly. She wraps her arms around him, and Sasuke allows himself to relax.</p><p>“Do you want to talk about what happened today?” he asks. He takes a hold of Hinata’s foot, cradling it in his hands.</p><p>“Is there anything to say?” she asks. He can tell that she is in one of her down moods.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he says, “for being rude, and then treating you like you were inconveniencing me.” Hinata kisses the shell of his ear.</p><p>“Apology accepted.” She says, “I’ll try not to rebuke you like that at work.”</p><p>“Deal.” He sighs. “Why are we sitting like this?”</p><p>“You seemed upset.” Her voice is quiet. “I thought it would make you feel better.”</p><p>“You didn’t want to move from the couch, did you?” Sasuke jokes, and Hinata laughs into the crook of his neck.</p><p>He has never been as close to another woman as he is to Hinata. He and Karin fooled around, sure, and he had dated since returning to Konoha. But he never relaxed into intimacy, or let himself really enjoy being close to another person. It’s nice. Being close. She is at his back, and while he can’t see her, he can feel her fingers and her hot breath as she moves the collar of his shirt to expose the mark on his neck. She kisses the mark, before kissing up the side of his neck.</p><p>“That feels nice.” He mutters.</p><p>“That’s why I am doing it.” Hinata has struggled with frigidity in every relationship, except this one. For some reason, it is easy for her to be affectionate with Sasuke. She just wants to touch him. It’s a compulsion she has never had in any previous relationship.</p><p>She likes how his back feels against her. It’s big and broad and fields like a cover, a shield between her and the world. Wrapped around him like this, she also feels like she is protecting him. She kisses the soft place behind his ear, and he smiles. “Hinata,” he says, “I think something is missing.”</p><p>“Like what?” she impulsively holds him tighter.</p><p>“I feel like I ought to feel happier.” He says, “I want to be happy, and I look at my life knowing I ought to be, but it feels like there is something between me and it.” Hinata runs her hands through his hair, thinking.</p><p>“Happy.” She says.</p><p>“Like, my career is great, and I’m in love with you, and I have friends…but something just doesn’t fully click.” Sasuke looks down at the arch of her foot. He rubs his thumb across the sole, as if he were painting the arch.</p><p>“Because you aren’t open with people.” Hinata says, “that’s what is missing for me, anyway. I want to tell people about us.” Sasuke sighs against her.</p><p>“I don’t know.” He shifts against her.</p><p>“What is there to <em>know</em>?” she replies. “Neji, Ino and Shikamaru know, and we only know that because they have said something to us.”</p><p>“I don’t want people to know our business.” Hinata rests her forehead against the back of his head.</p><p>“I want people to know.” Hinata kisses the knot at the top of his spine. “I want everyone to know how you make me feel.” Sasuke smiles to himself.</p><p>“How do I make you feel?” he asks.</p><p>“Really, really good,” she says, “when you aren’t being rude for no reason.” She feels rather than hears his laughter.</p><p>“Do you think I’m vulnerable?”</p><p>“I think you’re quite strong.” She says, demurring from the question.</p><p>“That’s not the question.” He says quietly.</p><p>“I think you are as vulnerable as you are capable of being.” Hinata smooths the hair on the back of his head. “But I think you can become more vulnerable. You just have to work at it.”</p><p>“More work.” He sighs.</p><p>“It never ends.” She replies. “Are you hungry?”</p><p>“No.” He says. “I just want to sit here. Are you comfortable?” Hinata nods behind him, and tightens her hold on him.</p><p>She knows she ought to push him, but she doesn’t want to fight, not right now. She wants to sit here and ignore their problems.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Sai and Sakura are sitting on the steps outside of the library. Sakura is sipping a coffee, and Sai is reading a book about how people come to love their own oppression. He and Sasuke have been on a French philosophy kick recently. Sakura sits back, looking out into the middle distance.</p><p>“Sakura?” he asks. Sakura looks over at him.</p><p>“What is it, Sai?” she asks. He wears one of his unreadable expressions.</p><p>“Do you think I just cruise through life?” he doesn’t know why he asks this. He knows Tenten means it as a compliment, but a part of him wishes he weren’t so passive. Sakura shrugs.</p><p>“It’s not a bad thing.” She replies.</p><p>“That’s not what I meant.” He says. Sakura puckers her lips for a second, thinking about what she wants to say.</p><p>“Life doesn’t seem to get to you,” she replies, “if that’s what you were asking. It’s a good thing. It’s a sign of resilience.” Sai nods his head, turning back to his book.</p><p>“Why are you asking?” she asks.</p><p>“Sometimes I think I’m complicit in my own suffering.” He replies.</p><p>“Suffering? Sai, what are you talking about?” Sakura sits up, alarmed. Sai shrugs.</p><p>“Well, suffering is a bit much. I suppose I wonder if I’m too passive.” He turns back to the book in his hand. “I wonder if things would be different if I did more than do as I was told.”</p><p>“Wouldn’t you have died in Root training?”</p><p>“Possibly,” he shrugs, “but a lot of people die during that training.” Sakura frowns.</p><p>“Let’s change the subject.” She says, “I don’t want to think about your death.” Sai turns and smiles at her.</p><p>“We could talk about your crush on Naruto.” Sakura cries out and flings her coffee at him, but he is too fast, and it falls on the empty place beside her.</p><p>He apologizes, and offers to buy her another coffee. Sakura mutters, but she accepts his offer.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Hinata doesn’t want to jinx it, but she thinks that they have turned a corner. For the last two weeks, Sasuke has come down to T&amp;I, as himself, and they’ve taken their lunch together on the roof. No one sees them, and he doesn’t introduce himself as her boyfriend, but Ino and Ibiki will just turn to Hinata when Sasuke shows up. He doesn’t hold her hand or anything, but he isn’t trying to be sneaky anymore. Not even inconspicuous.</p><p>Today, he brought her lunch. They are walking out of her office, and she is holding his hand, eating an apple. “So, you’re holding my hand at work.” She says. Sasuke looks away and <em>hmmms</em>. “Does this mean you are my boyfriend?” Hinata asks in a teasing voice.</p><p>“Boyfriend.” He says in a flat voice.</p><p>“Yes,” Hinata says in a light voice, “boyfriend.” Sasuke nods his head, and he tightens his grip on her hand. Hinata takes another bite of her apple. She feels like she has made her point.</p><p>He’s trying. Not the way she wants him to. But it is something.</p><p>They are both staring off into space, when Shikamaru and Ino turn the corner. The four of them stare at each other, but Sasuke reacts first. He and Hinata freeze at the same time, and he yanks his hand away. Hinata blinks, because before she knows it, he has walked up ahead of her, as if Shikamaru and Ino were the enemy. His knees are slightly bent, and his back is stiff.</p><p>She can’t see the expression on Sasuke’s face, but she can see Ino and Shikamaru’s face. Ino, sipping an iced coffee, rolls her eyes at Sasuke’s posturing before winking at Hinata. Shikamaru frowns, his hands in his pockets and a cigarette in the corner of his mouth.</p><p>“I don’t remember assigning Hinata a protection detail,” Shikamaru says out the side of his mouth. Remembering himself, Sasuke straightens out.</p><p>“It’s nothing,” he says in a cryptic voice. Ino tilts her head, eyeing him.</p><p>“It’s not nothing, Sasuke.” She says, “we know.” Sasuke looks back at Hinata, who hasn’t told anyone, but she can’t say that in front of Ino and Shikamaru. He looks uncertain, and she can’t tell if it’s because he thinks she has said something or because he doesn’t know how to respond.</p><p>“Look, I don’t care about what you do in your spare time,” Shikamaru drawls, “but taking that stance in front of Ino and I? That isn’t okay.” Shikamaru doesn’t think it fully registered to Sasuke who was in front of him, but there is nothing wrong with clarifying. Sasuke looks back at Shikamaru, his mouth scrunched like he swallowed a lemon. He always looks like that when Shikamaru pulls rank.</p><p>“Whatever.” Sasuke puts his hands in his pockets.</p><p>Ino looks at Hinata and smiles. “I’m just glad that none of us have to pretend that Sasuke isn’t your secret boyfriend anymore.” Ino sucks on her coffee, and Sasuke thinks it is the most obnoxious sound she has ever made, and that is a competitive category.</p><p>“We’re not dating.” He says. Ino glares at him, handing her iced coffee to Shikamaru so she can plant both hands on her hips. Shikamaru takes a sip of her coffee, amused at the prospect of Ino chewing out Sasuke. They aren’t twelve anymore, but he has a petty streak and Sasuke’s comeuppance is long overdue.</p><p>“Why are you lying?” she asks. Hinata, recovering herself, walks up behind Sasuke. He steps in front of her, as if to shut her out of the conversation. It hurts. Deeply.</p><p>“I’m not lying.” He says. Shikamaru takes his cigarette out of his mouth to put it out on his boot, and stick the butt in his pocket to throw out later. He seems indifferent. Ino’s chin is tilted down, and she looks furious.</p><p>“Yes, you are. I don’t know why, since Hinata is <em>way</em> too pretty and nice for <em>you</em>,” Ino huffs and crosses her arms. She may be dramatic, but all her mannerisms are predictable. Shikamaru will only get worried if she stops gesticulating. That’s how you know she’s out for actual blood.</p><p>“Hinata and I are not dating.” Sasuke grunts, and he takes Hinata’s hand in his before he goes to walk off.</p><p>But Hinata doesn’t move with him. Rather, she plants her feet and waits for him to turn around. Shikamaru takes another sip before handing Ino back her drink. <em>This is interesting</em>, he thinks, <em>Little Hinata stands up for herself</em>.</p><p>She doesn’t know why she chooses to assert herself this way. She could have simply spoken up. Hinata is always hesitant to hurt the feelings of others, even at the expense of her own. However, something in her has snapped. It’s one thing to deny that they are together, and to know that Sasuke does the same. It’s entirely different to have him do it in person, to two people who have already figured it out. Ino and Shikamaru aren’t her nosey family or villagers who don’t know them. They are their friends. Well, maybe not with Sasuke. But definitely Hinata.</p><p>Sasuke turns to look at her. “Hinata?” he asks quietly. Hinata’s mouth is pressed in a thin line, and she is trying not to look as hurt as she feels.</p><p>“I think I would prefer to stay here,” she says quietly. Sasuke gives her a dark look, like he is trying to figure out what he did wrong, when it is obvious. He squeezes her hand, and walks back to her.</p><p>“Hinata?” he repeats himself in an even softer voice. She just looks at him as he stares into her.</p><p>Shikamaru gestures to Ino, because they should leave. He doesn’t want to stay and watch how this plays out. Ino glares at him, but she follows him anyway. Ino touches Hinata’s shoulder before walking past her, and as they turn the corner, they start debating the kind of couch they ought to buy. Ino wants white. She has told Hinata of her vision for their living room for the last week. They even made a mood board. Ibiki helped.</p><p>Sasuke sighs, tilting his head. “Hinata,” he begins, but she cuts him off.</p><p>“Don’t ‘Hinata’ me!” She says. “Why did you lie to Ino and Shikamaru?” Hinata’s voice is needy and desperate and deeply, deeply sad. She has never spoken to him like this before.</p><p>“I didn’t…”</p><p>“Want them to know? I got that.” Hinata says, “but they know, especially after you put yourself between them and I, and you grabbed my hand before leaving. That isn’t being sneaky. That is lying and expecting no one to say anything.” She pulls her hand away, and he releases it.</p><p>“I just, I wasn’t thinking.” Sasuke bites his lip.</p><p>“You were thinking,” Hinata says quietly, “you were thinking about what you want.” Sasuke blinks at her, like she had told him Mars isn’t real. It tastes bad, this fight. It’s not like the others they have had.</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>“I know.” She replies. His love isn’t in question, but it certainly won’t help him wiggle his way out of this one.</p><p>“I’m not doing this for my health, you know.” He puts his hands on his hips.</p><p>“Is there something wrong with me?” Hinata says out of nowhere. She sounds exasperated. “Because I keep thinking of all the actual reasons you would want this to be a secret and my only conclusion is that there is something wrong with me—like, maybe I am too ugly or I’m not smart or I have some other glaring flaw that makes you want to keep it a secret!” Hinata is talking with her hands, something he has never seen her do.</p><p>“What?” he asks. “You are very pretty, and smart. You don’t have any flaws.”</p><p>“Than why do you insist on it being a secret?” Hinata asks. “You come to have lunch with me, you hold my hand, you follow me around the grocery store, but you can’t admit that you are my boyfriend?”</p><p>The truth is that Sasuke doesn’t know how to answer her question. He doesn’t have a good answer, besides his own comfort. It’s just easier to deny the truth, to continue to present as the same Sasuke: alienated and cold. If people were to know about Hinata, they would know that he has a weakness that could be exploited. As soon as he admits that they are together, his life won’t be his own anymore.</p><p>But he doesn’t want to live without Hinata, either. Now that he has known what love feels like, the kind that makes you feel like a real human, he doesn’t want to let it go. He wants to tell her all of this; to tell her of the extent of his uncertainty, self-doubt and self-loathing. He wants to tell her everything: that he doesn’t know if he is really a human some days. That he is damaged. That he doesn’t really think that he can be any other way and he hates failing, so he would rather not receive confirmation of how bad he thinks he is.</p><p>“Sasuke?” Hinata’s voice is still clear, but her lower lip is trembling. “Answer me.” Sasuke has an incredibly sad look in his eyes, and she feels his pain in her stomach. She doesn’t push him for exactly this reason. But if she never pushes him, things will never change.</p><p>Sasuke opens his mouth to speak when Sai calls for him. Hinata and Sasuke both look at Sai. “Apologies for interrupting,” Sai says, “but we have a mission.”</p><p>“A mission?” Sasuke feels a mixture of relief and irritation. Relief, because he can put off this conversation. Irritation, because he knows this reprieve is going to bite him in the ass.</p><p>“We need to report to the Hokage.” Sai smiles at Hinata. She offers a weak one in return, before turning to Sasuke. He is biting his lip.</p><p>“Hinata,” he says, “we’ll talk about this when I get back.” Hinata looks like she wants to argue with him, but she decides that she won’t say anything in front of Sai. She simply nods, and walks back to her office. Sasuke watches her back, and sighs. He knows she is mad. She doesn’t like to show it, but he knows.</p><p>There are a lot of things that Sai doesn’t understand, but the look on Sasuke’s face is self-evident. “We better go.” Sai begins to walk away. Sasuke blinks, and turns to follow him.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Their mission is very simple. They need to detain a possible informant. He isn’t high up on the food chain of whatever shadowy organization the Hokage is after this time, but he could have valuable information. None of them have been particularly talkative. It’s not that it’s worse. To put it simply, the quality of their silence is charged. Neji told Tenten that he had a bad feeling about this one. She told him to dismiss this feeling, like he does every other emotion he has ever had. Neji had smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.</p><p>The informant finds them first. He doesn’t choose the sensible option, which is to try and run. No, he chose to fight. In a forest, no less. They got into their familiar formation. Sasuke, Neji and Sai triangulate around the subject, and Tenten was to stay above and keep watch.</p><p>He is strong, the informant. <em>Who exactly are we dealing with?</em> Tenten thinks to herself. She hasn’t met anyone who could fend off Sai, Sasuke and Neji. It probably wouldn’t be so hard if they had permission to kill. But still—he should be down by now. He keeps leaping through the branches, forcing them to move. It’s a struggle for her to keep up with all of them. There are several moments where they are all above her, and she can only look up. She begins looking out for traps, while trying to keep an eye on the fighting.</p><p>Then, in the span of twelve seconds, the fight comes to her. From out of nowhere, Sai thuds down onto the ground, and she leaps down to check on him. When she gets to the clearing, the informant is there, standing above Sai. He is on the ground, injured but conscious. She can tell that he is trying to figure out how to get out of the way.</p><p>But this informant has been tough and while they aren’t supposed to kill him, Tenten finds herself taking a kunai out of her pouch and aiming for his carotid, and the weapon lodges itself in his throat. There is a lot of blood, some of which ends up on Sai, who gets up to his feet.</p><p>What is the ethical action? Tenten doesn’t know. She simply did what felt right. She stands back as Sai attempts to stop the bleeding, and when Neji and Sasuke land beside her, she says nothing when they ask what happened. Neji walks over to the body, and he only needs to take one look at the kunai to know how killed their informant. Neji picks up the bloody kunai, and walks towards her.</p><p>“Why did you sever the carotid of the target?” his voice is the deadly sort of calm, like a still forest. Tenten blinks behind her mask.</p><p>“He was standing over Monkey.” She says, “he would have killed him.”</p><p>“Was there a weapon pointed at him?” Neji asks.</p><p>“No.” She winces as the word comes out.</p><p>“How did you know he was going to kill Monkey?” his voice is cold. She knows that if it were Sai or Sasuke, Neji would have simply said something rude and been over it by now. But because she is supposed to be his right-hand, she is held to higher standards.</p><p>“I just did.” She replies, “he was fending all three of you off…”</p><p>“We weren’t supposed to use lethal force.” Neji replies harshly.</p><p>“There was no way that I would have been able to fend him off while Monkey got up on his feet for however long it would take for you two to get here.” Tenten states.</p><p>“Are you calling me slow?” Neji steps towards her. He has never spoken to anyone on the team, let alone her, with such anger. He is normally cool and logical. But he has spent the better part of an hour fighting with the informant with the explicit purpose of bringing him in alive. He hasn’t said anything about all the times that Tenten and Sai have covered for each other, because so far, they have not come into conflict with the goals of any of their missions.</p><p>But this is different. Neji loves Tenten, but she is turning into a person he doesn’t recognize, or care for. She is behaving like a weakling. She is compromising herself, and Neji cannot accept that his best friend is the kind of woman who makes herself small for a man. She could become remarkable, there is no question. But she won’t amount to anything if she chooses to be Sai’s girlfriend instead of Eagle. It has become clear that she can’t delineate between the two.</p><p>Something in the air changes. Sasuke, who was standing beside her, steps between the two of them. “He’s dead. There’s nothing we can do.” Sasuke turns his back to her. “Let’s think about this.” She can tell by the bend in his knees that he is ready if Neji lunges. Sai steps up behind Neji, and she realizes that they are both getting ready to protect her.</p><p>Sai and Sasuke weren’t there, but<em> they</em> haven’t forgotten the fact that Neji nearly stopped Hinata’s heart in a fit of pique. Sasuke hasn’t really forgiven him and Sai won’t take any chances. One on one would be hard, but two on one should get the job done. Neji looks around, and it is when he realizes that Sasuke and Sai are readying themselves to intervene that he feels like there is a mutiny taking place. He gets into his familiar stance, and Sasuke steps forward to block her.</p><p>“What is there to think about?” Neji asks.</p><p>“He was probably going to end up dead anyways, after T&amp;I was through with him. We are out here on a hunch. We have no clue if he was actually useful.” Sasuke replies.</p><p>“That was the purpose of our mission.” Neji says, “to detain him, so we could evaluate his information. We can’t do that anymore.” Tenten steps out from behind Sasuke, but he puts his arm out to block her. She tries not to huff. He is being sweet, in his own way.</p><p>“He would have killed Monkey,” she says.</p><p>“Monkey can protect himself, Eagle.” Neji says, “use your head.”</p><p>“I was!” She retorts.</p><p>“No, you were protecting your boyfriend, and now the mission has failed.” Neji growls. “Not everything is about Monkey.” She can’t see his face, but she knows that Neji is glaring right into her soul.</p><p>Before any of them can speak, Tenten steps out from behind Sasuke, her hands up. “Look,” she says, “I’m sorry that the mission failed, but he was going to kill Monkey. You have to trust me; I made the right call.” Neji lowers his shoulders, still angry but relieved to see that she still trusts him, on some level.</p><p>“Seal his body, Eagle.” His voice is cold. “We need to get out of here.” She can tell that he is still angry, but it was a good sign that he at least let her say sorry. Tenten doesn’t feel like she did anything wrong, but she knows that Neji is sensitive to being compromised.</p><p>Sai stays beside her the whole way back, and if Neji didn’t have his byakugan activated, Sai would reach out and brush her arm or back, when he had the chance. Unlike Tenten, Sai has a bad feeling that whatever truce they have reached out here will be broken when they give their report.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>When they come back empty handed, Kakashi merely sighs and thanks them for bringing the body back. <em>He didn’t know anything worth losing an operative over</em>, Kakashi had said. Shikamaru nodded, and told them that they were free to leave.</p><p>When they walk back into the lounge, they all take their masks off and look at each other. None of them have slept particularly well, but only Neji has a sour look on his face. “You shouldn’t have done that, Ten.” He rubs his forehead. Neji has never been a failure before. This is new to him.</p><p>“I did it to protect the team.” Tenten crosses her arms, her voice flat and unamused.</p><p>“No,” Neji says, “you did it for Sai.” He looks right at her. He is somewhere beyond disappointed, a previously unknown feeling to him. “You did it for your boyfriend.”</p><p>“He is our comrade.” Tenten steps up to Neji. In all the years they have known each other, he has never known her to step up to him like this. If it were anyone else, he would think that she had progressed. But it’s him, so any change that puts her interests against his is considered a threat.</p><p>Sasuke and Sai make eye contact, and step back to let Tenten and Neji have it out. They aren’t in the field anymore, and Neji knows that they will step in if he goes too far. Tenten and Neji square off. Neji can admit this: she has grown up from the eleven-year-old girl who was in awe of him.</p><p>“He is capable.” Neji replies curtly.</p><p>“He is right here.” Sasuke says. They both look over at him.</p><p>“Stay out of it.” Tenten snaps, before turning back to Neji. “You have no right to be angry.”</p><p>“No right?” he asks, incredulous. “You are the reason we failed.”</p><p>“We would have failed if anything happened to Sai.” Tenten insists.</p><p>“What if something happened to me, or Sasuke?” Neji replies. “Would that be a <em>failure</em> too?” Tenten’s eyes narrow.</p><p>“What are you implying?” she asks. “I would consider any mission that results in one of us not coming home to be a failure.” Neji’s face is indifferent.</p><p>“You have become weak.” He glares at her as he twists the knife into her side. Tenten’s lip curls, and she steps right into Neji’s face.</p><p>“Fuck you, Neji.” Tenten steps back and turns away.</p><p>“Ten.” Neji calls. She stops, and turns back.</p><p>She has only seen this expression on his face once before. It was the look when Guy told him not to go after Hinata. Barely restrained rage. “You are suspended.” There are a lot of things she could say in response. But none of them could fully capture the hurt that he has inflicted on her. So Tenten raises her arm, and hurls her porcelain mask at the wall.</p><p>Sai leaps and catches it before it hits the cement. She doesn’t look back to see why it hadn’t shattered. She storms into the locker room, and decides to leave as soon as she changes.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>After his shower, Sasuke had waited for Tenten with Sai, but he left after a few minutes. Sasuke had walked all the way to Hinata’s apartment. He was glad to be back, but he was keenly aware of the conversation they were going to have. Sasuke would be a liar if he didn’t admit that he was desperately hoping that he could simply crawl into bed with Hinata. At the same time, he knows that love isn’t enough to fix their problems.</p><p>It’s been a year. He knew that she would want more, eventually, but he never thought about what that really meant. He walks around the village, and no answers come to him. Looking for answers is aimless. He needs a good question, and to start from there. <em>How to be vulnerable? </em>Obvious. <em>What does it mean to be a human being?</em> Vague. <em>Am I even capable of being a good boyfriend?</em> Crude, but a passable start.</p><p>He doesn’t even have his shoes off when Hinata is on him. Her arms are crossed, and her face is eerily close to Neji’s face when he told Tenten that she cared more about being Sai’s girlfriend than being a shinobi. Sasuke exhales, readying himself for an actual fight. He has it coming.</p><p>“Hi,” he says, dumbly. Hinata pouts.</p><p>“Hi.” She says.</p><p>They stand in silence, reliving their last conversation. He thought he had hurt her feelings through sheer thoughtlessness. But maybe she was right: he was thinking, but only of himself.</p><p>“How have you been?” he stands there, not bothering to take off his shoes. <em>He is planning on running away</em>, she thinks. It only agitates her further.</p><p>“My week was fine.” She says quietly. “I was worried about you. I am glad that you are home safe.” Sasuke bobs his head, like a dolt, thinking about whether or not he has anything to say. She sucks in her lower lip, staring at him.</p><p>“Neji suspended Tenten.” Sasuke says, having no other news to report but still wanting to put off the inevitable.</p><p>“Why?” Hinata asks. Sasuke shrugs.</p><p>“She made a call that he didn’t agree with, and she refuses to appease him.” Sasuke restrains himself from saying <em>and speaking of women appeasing men: what about us?</em></p><p>“Oh.” She says.</p><p>“Yah. Oh.” He scuffs his foot on the floor.</p><p>“Are you going to take your shoes off?” she stares down at his feet.</p><p>“I’m comfortable here.”</p><p>“By the door.” She gives him a look that feels like it pierces his soul.</p><p>“You’re mad at me,” he states plainly. Hinata bites her lip.</p><p>When she got back from lunch, Ino said that the way Sasuke spoke about her was unacceptable. <em>It’s the principle</em>, Hinata, she had said, <em>it’s a matter of self-worth: are you okay with him saying those things in front of you?</em> Hinata had blinked, and replied that she wasn’t dating Sasuke. Ino had glared, and told her that Sasuke was turning Hinata into a liar too. She has shrugged and said that she didn’t want to talk about it, but thanks. Ino shook her head and returned to her files. They made up the next day, but Hinata could tell that Ino was disappointed in her.</p><p>“Are we ever going to talk about it?” Hinata asks.</p><p>“Ideally, no.” Sasuke drawls. Hinata sighs at his feeble attempt at a joke.</p><p>“Am I your girlfriend?” Hinata asks.</p><p>“Yes.” Sasuke replies.</p><p>“Are you ever going to take me on a date?” she asks. Sasuke blinks.</p><p>“A date?” he repeats, stupidly.</p><p>“Like, are we ever going to be together anywhere outside of my apartment.” Hinata keeps her hips straight. It’s how he can tell that she is serious.</p><p>“You are angry because we haven’t gone a date.” Sasuke can see the bigger picture, but he hopes that she decides to keep it small.</p><p>“No, I am angry because it has been a year and we are in the same place as where we started.” She replies. “I want to feel like a part of your life.”</p><p>“You are a part of my life; I come home to you every night, I’m in love with you…” he starts, but she cuts him off.</p><p>“But I’m not integrated into your life. I’m a whole separate piece that you keep secret!” Hinata raises her voice. “I want to hold your hand. I want to kiss you in public. I want people to know that you are my partner. I want people to know that out of everyone, I choose you!” Hinata’s hands are in the air, and she punctuates her speech with a frustrated growl<em>. Arrugh</em>.</p><p>Sasuke has never seen her this way. Well, he has seen it directed at inanimate objects, but never at a person. This is both a personal achievement and a new low for him. “I just don’t see how people knowing could change our relationship for the better.” He shrugs.</p><p>“Because it would legitimate it.” Hinata volleys back.</p><p>“I’m your boyfriend and I’m in love with you, that should be enough.” Sasuke replies.</p><p>“But what is any of that worth if you won’t tell other people about it,” she cries, “do you know how much it hurt to stand there and watch you tell Shikamaru and Ino that I don’t mean anything to you?”</p><p>“That’s not what I said.” Sasuke tries to backtrack. Hinata puts her hands over her eyes.</p><p>“How else should I interpret my boyfriend telling my close friends that we aren’t dating?” Hinata asks. “And you want to know something? Ino tried to talk to me about it, and I <em>lied</em>. She told me that you made me a liar, and she is <em>right</em>.” He remains silent. Hinata is back to waving her hands. “Don’t you care that you have hurt me?”</p><p>“Look, I don’t really know what you want from me.” It’s not that he doesn’t know. Rather, it is that he doesn’t know how to de-escalate. He has only ever been taught how to make things worse.</p><p>“I have told you, so many times, what I want.” Hinata replies. “I refuse to believe that you are stupid.” She rubs her forehead. “For a long time, I thought I could be patient, that loving you would be enough, but it isn’t enough for me anymore. I really do love you, with my whole being, but loving you hurts every time we deny it.” She sighs. “I just don’t want to hurt anymore.”</p><p>She looks into his eyes, and she knows he isn’t going to change. Not for her. “I don’t have anything more to say to you, Sasuke.” She walks over to the counter, and picks up her keys. Sasuke follows her, and watches her take the key to his apartment off her ring.</p><p>“Here.” She holds it out to him, but he doesn’t take it.</p><p>“Are you breaking up with me?” Sasuke asks. He has gone into the sweet, liminal space he retreats to when he wants to feel nothing. It’s like being in the afterglow of a benzo. It feels like everything around you simply washes over you, like it’s happening to someone else.</p><p>“Were we ever really together?” Hinata asks quietly. Sasuke blinks. He can’t believe this is happening to him, so he doesn’t say anything.</p><p>He takes out his keys, and removes the key to her apartment. When they exchange keys, they avoid watching the other put the spare key back on their respective key rings. Sasuke tucks his keys back into his pocket, while Hinata places hers on the counter.</p><p>“Can I get my things now?” he asks. Hinata nods, not commenting on the fact that he is still wearing his sandals.</p><p>Sasuke only cares about the picture of his family, today’s crossword and his favourite book. He debates taking something else, but everything else is replaceable. He walks out of the bedroom and nods at Hinata. “You can throw everything else out.”</p><p>“Are you sure?” Hinata asks. Her stomach tightens. She doesn’t want to have to go through his things. He shrugs in response.</p><p>“It’s all replaceable.” He replies. Sasuke pauses, unsure of what to say when the person who made you believe in love breaks up with you. “I’m sorry.” He looks her in the eye, “I’m sorry for being me.” Hinata’s eyes soften, and she has to stop herself from hugging him. She wants to take all of this back, but that would be cruel. He could never trust her again, if she broke up with him and then immediately begged for him to come back.</p><p>“I’m sorry for being me, too.” She says softly.</p><p>Anger is an emotion that has always come easily to Sasuke but now, he finds himself unable to feel it. Rather, he feels numb. He never wanted to say goodbye to Hinata, but he understands he has to. She can’t keep compromising herself for him. He’s damaged, but she doesn’t have to be.</p><p>They move towards each other at the same time. Hinata buries her face into his chest, and Sasuke kisses the side of her head. “I’m sorrier,” he says into the side of her head. When he lets her go, he looks away first, and turns around to leave the apartment.</p><p>Hinata stands there, looking around in a haze. She spends the rest of the night cleaning. She does all the dirty laundry, and she folds his things nicely before putting them in his drawer. She takes his soap out of the shower and his toothbrush from the bathroom and puts them in there, along with the picture of them from the beach.</p><p>She finally goes to bed at 2 AM.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi! I hope I didn't keep anyone waiting. I am still staying inside and avoiding the outside world/all my more pressing responsibilities, so here is another chapter. The plot is finally rolling. Feel free to leave a comment. </p><p>Sai is reading Anti-Oedipus by Deleuze and Guattari (my namesake!)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. A Suspension and a Miserable Time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A wine bottle, a clock radio and several headaches. </p><p>CW: There is some purging; it isn't eating disorder related, but this is a heads up.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“</em>
  <em>Please wait up for me 'til whenever I get home”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Teyana Taylor, Gonna Love Me</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sai had waited for her in the lounge, but Tenten must have just gone in to dump her things in her locker. After she had stormed into the change room, he had gone and put her mask in his locker. Neji had turned on his heel and left, presumably to fill out the paperwork for her suspension. Sai had then showered and changed, and Sasuke sat with him for five minutes before declaring that he had better things to do, and to tell Tenten that Neji was just being an asshole.</p><p>Sai waited for another ten minutes, and Neji returned with Shikamaru following him. Shikamaru looked like he had swallowed something unpleasant, and Sai could tell that he was less than thrilled that Neji had simply suspended Tenten without prior approval.</p><p>“Is Tenten here?” Shikamaru turned to Sai.</p><p>“I am waiting for her,” Sai replied, “but I think she may have left.” He stood up, dusting himself off. “I am going to her place. I can take any paperwork with me.” Shikamaru hands him a file.</p><p>“She has sixty days, paid.” Shikamaru drawls.</p><p>“Sixty days?” Sai looks between the two men. That was excessive, considering Neji was mad that she had done her job, which was protecting them. Shikamaru frowned at Neji.</p><p>“Neji thinks she will learn her lesson. She can come back earlier, at his discretion.” Shikamaru crosses his arms. “I made sure it was paid because she is my favourite. Don’t think I have gotten soft.” Sai holds his hand out for the paperwork, and tucks it into his bag when Shikamaru hands it over.</p><p>Sai nods at the two of them, before leaving. He is irritated that Tenten left without telling him, but he figures she probably needed time to decompress. He tucks his hands in his pockets, looking at the ground. His hair dries on his walk.</p><p>When he finally gets to her building, he pushes in the heavy door and walks up to her apartment. He takes the steps two at a time, and he wonders what he will be walking into. He knocks on the door, and he hears shuffling before she opens it. She is wet with a towel wrapped around her. She looks deflated, and she steps back to let him in.</p><p>Sai takes off his shoes, and follows her into the apartment. There is an open can of beer on the middle of the floor, and a puddle. She must have been lying down on the floor. Sai wordlessly hands her the papers. Tenten’s deflated expression falls into a grimace when she reads the terms of her suspension.</p><p>“Sixty days for doing my fucking job?” she throws them onto the counter. Sai walks over to the can of beer. He picks it up, and hands it to her.</p><p>“Shikamaru made sure you were being paid,” Sai says, “I think he is angry that Neji suspended you. No one mentioned bringing the team in for a debrief, either.”</p><p>“I’m angry.” Tenten snaps, before sipping her beer. She sighs. “I’m sorry for leaving work like that. I wanted to be alone.” Sai looks at her, frowning.</p><p>“I don’t want you to be alone.” He says quietly, “you did nothing wrong.” She nods, setting her beer on the counter. She bites her lip.</p><p>“I know,” she replies softly. Sai nods, walking over to her bed.</p><p>“Thank you,” he calls back, “for saving me.” He flops back onto the bed. Tenten readjusts her towel, and walks over to him. She climbs on, so that she straddles him. She holds onto her towel at the top.</p><p>“I would do it again.” Tenten says, “Over and over again.” Her gut told her that the target would have killed Sai. What is a mission objective if Sai is dead? Sasuke and Neji were too far and slow to do anything, so she acted on instinct.</p><p>Sai strokes her thighs, looking up at her. The biggest difference between him and his teammates is that they were never asked to kill a comrade. Shin had died by his own hand, but Sai knows he would have done it. He has to live with the fact that he would murder his brother on orders; not in a fit of rage, like when Neji tried to kill Hinata, or out of a mix of revenge and paranoia, like Sasuke. There was the one time Naruto lost control of his seal and went after Sakura. But he had regressed into something that was barely an animal, for animals still recognize their own kind. No, Sai would have killed Shin because he was told to. That knowledge makes Sai’s gut twist in knots when he sees how much others care for him.</p><p>Her hair is down, and she is making him wet. She sits on his tummy, bare and damp. “Again?” he asks, putting a damp hand against her cheek. Tenten nods.</p><p>“Over and over again.” She sighs. “I don’t care if it makes me weak.” This isn’t the full truth. It actually really bothers her that Neji would tell her that saving their teammate was the wrong thing to do. And to exploit an insecurity of hers? She certainly cares about that.</p><p>But it is all petty and insignificant when she looks at Sai, who is safe and whole. Sai smiles up at her, and she feels her stomach flutter.</p><p>“It’s not a weakness, Ten.” He looks at her softly. She had always thought that she would be unstoppable, and that is not an exception when it comes to Sai. She bites her lower lip, looking down at him.</p><p>“Is it weird that I want to kiss you?” Tenten turns pink. His mouth is just really distracting. That’s all. Sai gives her a puzzled look.</p><p>“Shouldn’t I ask to kiss you?” he asks. “You saved me.”</p><p>Tenten smiles at him, and lets go of her towel to lean down and kiss him. She would do it, again and again and again. She doesn’t care what Neji says. In Sai’s arms, she allows herself to bask in her defiance, her insistence that she hadn’t misread the situation. No information that could be gathered would be worth losing Sai.</p><p>When his hand is on her cheek, Sai thinks that maybe they should talk about what happened a little bit more instead of having sex. She sighs into his mouth, and he pulls the towel away. Yes, they should definitely talk about their feelings, instead of expressing them through sex. Sai should have opinions about her getting suspended for him, or at least give her space to talk about how she feels.</p><p>But she said that she would do it again, even knowing Neji would suspend her and that is enough for him. Maybe there is nothing to talk about. Sai has his hands on her hips, and he hooks his thumbs into the bony ridges of her pelvis. He will leave a bruise, but she told him that she likes it when he grabs her. It makes her feel wanted. Sai would like to think that his desire for her is never in question. But sometimes he likes to be extra sure.</p><p>Tenten kisses his jaw. She had meant what she said earlier. There is no timeline where she wouldn’t have thrown the kunai. Tenten can still taste the soap on his neck. She doesn’t mind it, although it doesn’t taste nice. But it’s on Sai, so, well, what can she do?</p><p>Sai rolls them over, pinning her under him. Tenten smiles up at him. She has a way of beaming, that he has never seen anyone else do. “You beam.” He says, “were you aware?” Tenten pulls back, and gives him one of her strange looks.</p><p>“Beam?” she laughs a little, and she puts her hand on his cheek. It’s her way of reassuring him that his question was endearing. Sometimes his questions and observations are alienating. Although, now that he thinks about, he has never alienated her. The last few months have been surprisingly easy.</p><p>“Like, you have light radiating from within you.” Sai says, “it’s endearing.” Tenten kisses the corner of his mouth. It’s a small gesture, but Sai has come to discover that one small thing can mean many different things. It can mean <em>hello</em> or <em>good-bye</em>, or <em>pay attention to me</em>. She can do it when she is tired or wide awake, sad or angry.</p><p>But his favourite is when it means this: <em>I love you</em>. It feels better than when she says it. Sai thinks that anyone can say <em>I love you</em> to another person. It’s generic. But the way Tenten presses her lips to the corner of his mouth is singular. He hasn’t asked, but he just knows in his soul that she has never pressed her lips like this against the mouth of another. This kiss is just for Sai. For this reason, he treasures it more than all the ways she shows him that she loves him.</p><p>“Like the sun?” she smiles. “Are you saying the world revolves around me?” Tenten gives him another kiss on the corner of his mouth, so he can’t be held responsible for what he says next.</p><p>“And the other planets.” He bites his lip. “Maybe a few other stars.” Tenten runs her thumb along his lower lip, and she touches the tips of his front teeth.</p><p>“That’s funny,” she says quietly.</p><p>“Why?” Sai asks. Tenten looks away, and he feels her hand play with edges of his shirt. She hums before answering.</p><p>“Because I don’t feel like I’m the sun,” Tenten replies, “the sun doesn’t protect anyone.” Sai furrows his brow. He isn’t an expert or anything, but he had said something romantic and very true. Tenten tugs on his shirt, and he sits up to take it off. He throws it away, and when he looks back down, she is smiling gently.</p><p>“You’re the sun to me.” Sai says as he lowers back down. Tenten tilts her head.</p><p>“I didn’t say it right.” She opens herself further, so she can feel their stomachs press together. “I don’t feel like I’m the sun because that is who you are to me, Sai.” Tenten smiles.</p><p>If Neji or Sasuke heard the way they spoke to each other, they would both throw up. But these soft, gooey feelings are just as true as Tenten’s aim or Sai’s tanto. The truth isn’t always hard to swallow. Sometimes, it is actually quite nice.</p><p>Sai blinks at her, not sure how to respond. Sometimes, it’s overwhelming to be the object of such…love. Not just love, but the kind of soul deep adoration that has no end.</p><p>“Sai?” her forehead wrinkles. “Did I say something wrong?” Sai smiles, and shakes his head.</p><p>“No,” he replies, “sometimes I just find it hard to understand how you love me so much.” Tenten smiles.</p><p>“I don’t find it hard to understand, but sometimes, it overwhelms me too.” She hums. “I feel a lot when I look at you, Sai.” She kisses him again, and he remembers that she is naked underneath him.</p><p>“I nearly forgot that you’re naked.” Sai kisses her jaw, down her neck.</p><p>“How could you forget?” Tenten sits up on her elbows, watching him kiss down her stomach. Sai looks at her, instead of responding. His eyes glimmer in the light. It makes her wet when he looks at her with those eyes.</p><p>She closes her mouth, and he kisses her beneath her belly button. Tenten looks down at the top of his head, at his shiny black hair, and she stands by her earlier assessment: he is the sun, pulling her towards him. The muscles in her lower abdomen clench as her body anticipates him. She sighs when he is finally against her, and she closes her eyes.</p><p>She wants to feel everything. Applying her Anbu training to her sex life once again, she knows that taking away one of the senses can heighten the others. Sight was the easiest to say goodbye to. She doesn’t need to see him when she can feel his mouth and his fingers. She breathes in, and focuses on discerning what exactly he does down there.</p><p>When her eyes are open, all she can look at is him. Now that they are closed, she can concentrate on feeling him. She knows he has a rhythm he uses. She is simply curious to know what it is. He does a lot of stroking, and he has a preference for a rolling beat of one two three, where the third beat lasts for the length of two. Well, it’s actually her preference and his observation. It’s a rolling beat, like a rocking horse. It feels <em>really</em> good.</p><p>Sai knows her eyes are closed because he can feel her hand searching for the top of his head. It’s a sign that she is close, but that he needs to go faster. So, he obliges, giving and giving and giving until she opens her eyes and gasps his name.</p><p>It’s the least he can do. She literally saved his life.</p><p>He looks up to her, and she is flushed and pink and shiny. She sits up as he crawls back over her, and she kisses him, deep. It makes him blush, the way she makes him feel just from kissing. She pulls back, and kisses the corner of his mouth again, and she opens herself to him.</p><p>“Again and again?” Sai doesn’t know why he asks. Tenten pulls away, lying down as he lines himself up.</p><p>“The kissing? Or the kunai?” Tenten asks. Sai looks at her.</p><p>“The latter.”</p><p>“Sai,” she exhales, “again and again is my only answer. Why are you asking this now?” Sai gives her a blank expression. “I’m not going to change my mind.”</p><p>“I was just checking your resolve.” He blinks at her, and she groans.</p><p>“You were joking.” She flops down, relieved that he isn’t actually asking her, but irritated that he made her wait for him so he could tell a dumb joke. She can feel him laughing. “That’s not funny.”</p><p>“It kind of is,” he replies.</p><p>“You can’t eat me out like that and then ask me a question like that while I’m waiting for you!” Tenten isn’t actually mad. It’s just that she is on edge, and Sai is doing everything to keep her on it. It is torturous.</p><p>“It’s a free country.” Sai replies, hovering. He thinks this could pay off, so he restrains himself.</p><p>“At best, our country is vaguely authoritarian.” Tenten asserts, “and that’s a good day.”</p><p>“What if I wasn’t good at oral sex?”</p><p>“Sai!”</p><p>“I’m serious,” he smiles, “would you still love me? Would you have saved my life?” Tenten narrows her eyes. She is going to kick Sasuke’s ass the next time she sees him. This is straight from his ‘rile Neji and torture Sai and make Tenten deal with it’ play book.</p><p>“I don’t know Sai,” Tenten replies, “is there a world where you are bad at giving head?” Sai scrunches his face in response. It dawns on him that he took the joke too far. Tenten sighs and kisses him again. He feels it in his soul.</p><p>Sai didn’t think he really had a soul until he first had sex with Tenten. He probably won’t tell her that, but it lingers in the back of his head.</p><p>On the four of one, two and three, he is in. There he is, and there they are. She wraps her legs around him, and kisses his jaw while he focuses on the again and again and again. She doesn’t look away from his eyes. He gets teased for being blank and soulless, but that is far from the truth. Tenten might actually murder the next person who says that. He is always observing, looking out at the world. He still writes down the things that their friends like, or he will point at something and tell her a story about someone they know and the thing at hand.</p><p>His eyes glimmer, like they have a secret they are dying to share. It makes her stomach clench, to think that there is any part of Sai that hasn’t already told her everything. Rationally, she knows and accepts that everyone has secrets. But having sex with Sai feels like she is baring her soul to him, and it pains her to think that he isn’t doing the same.</p><p>She blinks, dismissing the thought. Sai kisses her, and she puts her hand on his cheek. If asked, she would say that Sai likes making out more than she does, and she likes it a lot. “Again,” she murmurs into his mouth. He pulls back so he can hear her. “Again and again.” He nods and picks up the pace, and she hums in the back of her throat. It feels good being close to him. She can’t explain it much beyond that it just makes her really happy. Like, obscenely so.</p><p>She can tell he is almost finished by the way that he moves against her, and she arches her back to meet him as he buries himself in her. Tenten kisses Sai’s chin as he rides it out, only pulling back when his breathing slows down. She likes taking care of him. He looks down at her and smiles.</p><p>Again and again.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Frowning at the wall, Neji crosses his legs as he sits on the middle of Hinata’s couch. He hasn’t spoken to Tenten since he called her weak. In their sixteen years of friendship, it never occurred to him to use that word to describe her. They always wanted the same things, envisioned similar futures. They were always going to the same places.</p><p>Neji can’t figure out how she changed so quickly. He has never been in a relationship that ever tempted him to be different from who he is. He simply cannot empathize with her. Sasuke had told him that he was too harsh, that she never would have recovered if something happened to Sai. <em>Someone on this team should be spared losing the person most important to them</em>. Neji doesn’t disagree. He just had doubts that Sai was actually facing imminent death.</p><p>He frowns, crossing his arms, staring at the wall of Hinata’s apartment. After breaking up with Sasuke, she has been trying to fill her time as much as possible. Yesterday, she baked all sorts of different kinds of bread. Today, she made Neji lunch and insisted that he watch a movie with her. Her computer is set up on the coffee table, and he can already tell that she has selected a trite movie from their childhood. The kind where everyone ends up okay at the end and real love is possible. Tenten would never subject him to this kind of movie. He pouts, looking at Hinata flutter around the kitchen.</p><p>She has baked so many different cakes and cookies and breads that she has run out of Tupperware to store them all. There is a big pile on the counter, and she is humming to herself, choosing a few things here and there for their plate. She isn’t sad, not like Sasuke. Hinata is simply acting off. Like she is overcompensating for how bad she actually feels. But she was listening to the kind of slow, sad girl music that you only put on to make yourself feel worse. Hinata can’t fool him. They haven’t talked about it, beyond her telling him what happened.</p><p>“Hinata,” he says. She looks up from a plate of cookies, blinking.</p><p>“Yes?” she answers.</p><p>“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks gently. Her mouth twists, and she shakes her head. She doesn’t think that she will ever be ready to talk about it.</p><p>“There simply aren’t words, Neji.” She sighs, “I don’t know any other way to put it.” She feels gutted, but she is still alive. There is no one but herself to blame for her telling Sasuke to leave. Hinata hurt both of them. She has no right to be sad, or upset. But here she is, sad and in pain, so she bakes things to avoid sitting with her feelings.</p><p>Neji gets up off the couch and walks over to her. “You need to talk about it.” He says, “it was a real relationship. You lost something.”</p><p>“I didn’t lose something,” she says, picking a cookie up off the plate. “I threw him away. I chose to live without him.” She takes a big bite of the cookie, and then decides to cram it into her mouth. Her eyes are stinging. Neji sighs. If she insists on denying the obvious, he won’t try to change her mind. Facing heartbreak is something you have to do for yourself.</p><p>He picks a cookie up, and takes a bite. “These are good,” he says, with food in his mouth. He doesn’t need to be polite for Hinata. She smiles, her own mouth full of cookie. “You know, if you want someone to keep an eye on that cactus for the next few months, I can take it with me.” Hinata frowns, and swallows her cookie in two awkward gulps.</p><p>Hinata looks at Sasuke Two, and she places her hand on the side of the glazed pot. She broke up with Sasuke but she isn’t ready to let go of every piece.</p><p>“I think they should stay here,” she replies. “I like them.” Neji shrugs, and takes another cookie before he walks back to the couch. Hinata looks at the cactus, and not for the first time, wishes she could touch her plant. She wants Sasuke Two to know that she will love them forever, even though Sasuke is gone.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Misery insists upon having an intimate relationship with Sasuke. They go <em>way</em> back. Sasuke and his eternal companion. He lies on his back in bed, staring up at the ceiling. This week has been full of self-pity. He eats fine, but he stays in bed as much as he can. He does get mad, but his anger is directed at himself. Losing Hinata is the final indignity in a life time of woe. It is obscene that the sun still rises after she has left his life.</p><p>To cope, he has been living in a daze of Klonopin. He takes a little blue pill to help him sleep at night, and the next day he wakes up, numb and relaxed. He has been going to work like this, and he can tell that Sai and Neji are worried. His reflexes are still there, but none of the spite they expect. Neji told him that they would be reading files with Shikamaru this week, and Sasuke had simply shrugged. Sai asked him if he was sick, and Sasuke had simply chuckled before his face fell back into a flat affect.</p><p>Today is his day off, and he had thought that he had managed to wiggle his way out of having to go to their team breakfast, but Naruto and Sakura decided to bring it to him. Sai was going to be late, so they simply broke into Sasuke’s apartment without him. Sai, at the very least, would have made sure not to make so much noise.</p><p>Sasuke can hear them bickering now, and he closes his eyes, steeling himself. Naruto bursts through the door, and Sakura follows him.</p><p>“Hi Sasuke!” Naruto jumps onto bed beside him, putting his hand behind his head. His smile is obnoxious. “How are you feeling?”</p><p>“Spectacular.” Sasuke rolls his eyes. He hadn’t taken a Klonopin last night, so he doesn’t feel as groggy as he has for the past week. His face will start working normally again.</p><p>“Sasuke,” Sakura says, “we’re all really worried about you.” Sasuke turns his head to look at Naruto, who has dropped his smile and replaced it with a look of concern. <em>Fuck</em>, Sasuke thinks to himself. He hates it when Naruto looks at him like that.</p><p>“Sai told us that you were going through something,” Sakura says, “he is really worried.” Sasuke snorts, and sits up on his elbows.</p><p>“Sai sees me every day. He could have said something to me.” Sasuke rubs his forehead. Sakura frowns at him. “Look, I believe you. Sai is a real boy; you don’t have to make up feelings he doesn’t have.” Sasuke frowns, sitting up. Naruto nearly rolls off the bed as the moves up. He yelps, and Sasuke grabs his collar before he can fall.</p><p>“Sasuke,” Sakura says, “Naruto and I looked around the apartment. It’s messy.”</p><p>“No it isn’t,” he replies.</p><p>“There are dishes in the sink,” she says, “you <em>never </em>leave dishes in the sink!” Sasuke grunts, and gets out of bed. He only wears underwear, and Sakura and Naruto blink at each other as he huffs around for a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt that don’t remind him of Hinata. It has never taken him longer than two seconds to get dressed if someone else is around.</p><p>Sasuke gives up, and decides to just put his work clothes on. They blink, watching him put on his black fatigues and tank top. He turns around and looks at them.</p><p>“What?” he asks in an unimpressed voice.</p><p>“Uh, we were just wondering what’s on the radio!” Naruto lies, badly. Not looking, he feels around for it, and hits the play button. Immediately, life mocks him: a few upbeat cords, and cheery reminder to <em>don’t stop/thinking about tomorrow/don’t stop/ it’ll soon be here</em> blares. Sasuke starts laughing under his breath, and Naruto and Sakura eye him.</p><p>“You’re laughing.” Sakura says.</p><p>“Should I be frowning?” Sasuke retorts. She narrows her eyes.</p><p>“Why are you laughing?” she asks, “you have been miserable this whole week.” Sasuke picks up his deodorant, and lifts an arm.</p><p>“The absurdity of life is always good for a few laughs.” He drawls, swiping on the deodorant. Sasuke has finally hit rock bottom. Life is cruel without his parents, miserable without his brother, and is just absurd without Hinata. He thought laughter was medicine but in his case, it may just be the poison that gets him. “Who told you I was miserable?”</p><p>“Sai,” she says. Sasuke frowns.</p><p>“He is such a tattle tale.” Sasuke puts hit deodorant back on his dresser. “I still can’t believe he was my replacement.” Sasuke looks back at Naruto, who looks a little scared, and then he turns to Sakura, who looks angry.</p><p>“Stop picking on him!” She snarls. Sasuke, who has survived so much worse than her temper tantrums, smiles.</p><p>“Remember the days when I was your favourite?” he asks. “In moments like this, I miss them.” Sasuke goes to walk by her, but she blocks his path with her arms. He blinks, and goes to shove past her when Naruto throws his own pillow at him.</p><p>“Sasuke, just tell us what’s wrong.” Naruto says.</p><p>“Well, let’s start at ignoring me when I said I needed to sit out this breakfast and the breaking and entering.” Sasuke says. Sakura crosses her arms and frowns, and lines form on Naruto’s forehead.</p><p>“Did something happen last week?” Sakura asks quietly. He looks away.</p><p>Sasuke, really and truly, does not like lying to Naruto and Sakura. Or Sai, he guesses. But a year of lies sit on his shoulders, and he isn’t ready to talk about all of it. So he rubs his face and decides to lie anyway.</p><p>“I’m just tired,” he says. He looks at Sakura, who is frowning at Naruto. Naruto sits up, and sets his elbows on his knees.</p><p>“Sasuke,” he says, “you would tell us if something was wrong, right?” Sasuke blinks, and then nods.</p><p>
  <em>Right. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Tenten slumps on the bench outside of the academy. She was climbing up the walls after the first two days of her suspension, and Lee offered her a temporary teaching position. She spends her days trying to get hyperactive children to focus on their work, while Lee meets the children at their level and Chouji allows them to run amok.</p><p>She can safely say that she is the only person who cares about structure around here, which is ironic, because she was the most laid-back on her Anbu squad. Tenten thought their combined obsession with time and rules and structure ran the gamut between irritating and demented, but now she would give anything to return to the days of Sai’s meal planning and Neji’s byzantine rules and Sasuke’s insistence on physical conditioning.</p><p>Well, she still has the meal planning. But she doesn’t see Sai as much as she is used to. She is usually home before him, staring at the ceiling for hours, waiting. When he returns to her, she crawls all over him on sight. He likes it, but she can tell that she is overwhelming him.</p><p>She spends most of her time with Lee and Chouji. They sit on either side of her on the bench. Chouji is working through a bag of chips, and Lee is crowing about his new jogging route. Tenten would never want to make light of suicide, but she wishes Sai or Sasuke, even Neji, were around so she could make a joke about slitting her wrists. It just wouldn’t go over well with Lee, and Chouji would be concerned.</p><p>Tenten stretches her legs in front of her, resting the heel of her right foot on the toes of her left. The lunch Sai made sits on her lap, untouched.</p><p>She sighs, crossing her arms. “I’m not cut out for this kind of work.” Lee has the energy of a child and Chouji is a nice, pleasant person incapable of working on a murder squad. She is neither of those things.</p><p>“Nonsense,” Lee turns to her, “the kids love you! That is all that matters.” Lee is always so confident that he understands what people are trying to say to him. But he didn’t hear her correctly.</p><p>“That’s not what I mean, Lee,” she rubs her forehead. “I’m <em>bored</em>.”</p><p>“Well, what were you doing before?” Chouji says, “we can try and find something similar.” Lee nods enthusiastically.</p><p>“I did a lot of S-rank missions.” And missions that were never even ranked, because it had to be as if they never existed. Chouji puts a chip in his mouth, and chews thoughtfully.</p><p>“That is certainly a change.” He swallows. “Why don’t you become a jounin-sensei?”</p><p>“That is <em>MARVELOUS</em> idea!” Lee throws up his arms. “You would make Guy-sensei so proud!” Tenten picks up her lunch box and opens the lid. Sai left her a little note. It’s a picture of an eagle. She smiles; he doesn’t see her differently.</p><p>“We have a few really talented kids coming up for assignment,” Chouji says, “I am sure there are a few who could be sent on tougher missions.” She shakes her head.</p><p>“I’m flattered that you think I would be a good teacher,” she says, “but I am off suspension in less than two months, and I am going back into the field.” She pops a vegetable into her mouth.</p><p>“Well, it was an idea,” Chouji shrugs.</p><p>Lee gets up to go get in a few laps before lunch ends. Tenten shoves rice into her mouth while Chouji shrugs in response. They sit on the bench together, and Tenten has to admit that he is an okay replacement for Sasuke. He isn’t as snippy, and he always offers to share his snacks.</p><p>“Tenten,” he says, “why were you suspended?” he turns and gives her one of his concerned looks. Tenten blinks before looking away. Chouji isn’t someone who needs to know about the dark machinations of the state, or how fucked up her job really is.</p><p>“I made a call that my captain disagreed with,” she replies. “I stood by it, so he suspended me so that I would learn my lesson.” Chouji frowns.</p><p>“Were you wrong?”</p><p>“No,” Tenten says, “I wasn’t wrong. Both of my teammates agreed with me. My captain is just a fucking dick.” Chouji laughs at that one.</p><p>Tenten eats her lunch, listening to Chouji talk about his plans with Shikamaru that evening. Apparently they are going to see a movie. She said that it sounds like a date, and Chouji smirked and said that he and Shikamaru’s lives would be much simpler if they were in love, <em>but alas</em>. Tenten smiled and said that he sounded like one of her teammates. That this was one of the first times she has felt…normal.</p><p>Neji hasn’t spoken to her. He hasn’t visited her. No calls, or texts, or emails. Not even a post card. She knows he is doing it because he doesn’t know how to talk to her, but it still hurts. Especially since he is the one punishing her. Not only that, but he chose the kind of long-game, slow burn punishment that makes someone impatient like her go wild. He isn’t stupid. They both know that the longer she is out of the game, the harder it will be to get back in. If she can’t keep up, then she will be re-assigned.</p><p>She could take an indignity, but misery? Tenten doesn’t know how to live with it. She hasn’t figured out if he is trying to make her resent Sai or not. Tenten doesn’t blame him, because it wasn’t their fault that they were put in the position they were in. She also refuses to believe that their relationship is actually a liability for the team. <em>Something that feels so right can’t be wrong</em>, she thinks to herself.</p><p>She picks up a piece of tofu, and sticks it into her mouth as Chouji tells her all the reasons he is excited to go to the movies tonight.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>This is the tenth time she has tried to do this. Hinata gets closer to being able to do it each time. She becomes more and more prepared. The first time she tried, it was too soon. The next three times, she had tried to do it right after work.      She thought the results would be different if she had something pressing to do after, so the next four times she tried doing it before leaving for work. The last time, she thought buying a bottle of wine to have as a reward would work.</p><p>But she thinks she knows what she has to do for the tenth try to be successful. Hinata, taking a sip of wine right out of the bottle, stares at Sasuke’s drawer. She hasn’t been able to open it since she packed all of his things away. Hinata, at the very least, wants to open the drawer this time. It will be a step in the right direction: letting Sasuke go. She breathes in, and then out. She takes another sip of the shitty, cheap white wine Ino and Sakura like so much. She pulls a face as it goes down. The wine makes her belly burn.</p><p>Setting the wine on the dresser, she puts her hands on her hips, looking at the handle of the drawer. She puts a hand on the handle, and curves her fingers so that they fit in the groove. Hinata closes her eyes, takes in a breath, and opens the drawer.</p><p>This is further than she has ever gotten. Usually, she stares at the drawer until she feels like dry-heaving. She opens her eyes, and looks in.  His soap is there, beside his toothbrush. His clothes are all neatly folded, the way that she left them. They are all dark. He prefers soft, cozy textures. She lets herself move her hand across each pile, remembering when he wore different items. With her other hand, Hinata picks up the bottle of wine and takes another sip. She looks over at box on the bed, which she had bought for his things.</p><p>What he said doesn’t matter—she won’t throw his things away. That is wasteful. Besides, he has good taste. Some of it is worth keeping.</p><p>Hinata didn’t think she would get over it quickly. She had prepared herself for a long recovery period. But it has been a few weeks and each day feels more hellish than the last. Isn’t this supposed to get easier? Hinata thinks to herself. She looks in the drawer, and reaches for a big, worn in sweater. It’s a crewneck, a faded brick red. There is a hole in the arm pit. It belonged to Sasuke’s father. He didn’t wear it very much—only for cleaning, really.</p><p>Hinata is wearing a pair of shorts and a sports bra, with her hair in a high pony-tail. Her heater is broken. She only sleeps with a thin blanket, while she waits for it to be fixed. Sasuke said this himself: <em>that sweater isn’t very warm</em>. She pulls it out, holding it up while she sips her wine. She hadn’t cleaned it recently. Bringing the sweater to her nose, she inhales. It still smells like <em>him</em>. If asked to describe his scent, she wouldn’t be able to say much, even though she would recognize it anywhere. He just smells like a <em>man</em>; it makes her heart thump and her thighs rub together.</p><p>She sets the bottle on the dresser, and then she pulls the sweater over her head. It is a big sweater; it hangs off Sasuke, and he is tall. It covers Hinata’s shorts, and in all honesty, she looks like a blob on legs. Well, a shapely blob but a blob nonetheless. She closes the drawer, and picks up the bottle of wine. With the flat of her hand, she pushes the box off of her bed. It’s empty, so it makes a hollow noise when it falls on its side. She exhales through her nose, and walks over to his side of the bed, and climbs on.</p><p>She brought Sasuke Two into the room with her. She left them on the dresser, needing the moral support. It didn’t work, but that’s fine. She tucks her knees up to her chin, and takes in a big gulp of wine. It scratches the back of her throat on the way down.</p><p>“It’s just you and me, Sasuke Two.” Hinata says. She takes another swig, because she talks to a houseplant named after her secret ex-boyfriend. Or is it ex-secret boyfriend? <em>Fuck</em>. She takes another sip, because she doesn’t know which is correct. Then she remembers that she hasn’t changed her plant’s name, so that’s another gulp. She groans at the thought of changing it, so there goes another mouthful. Then she remembers that she tried calling it <em>baby</em>. She drains the bottle.</p><p>She starts to feel light and floaty, despite the fact that she feels like shit. Hinata is so sad, that she starts giggling, and then laughing, because she is twenty-five and will never be prettier than she is now and she is crying over an ex-criminal. Who fucked an <em>I love you</em> out of her and made her feel all kinds of stupid melty, a man who could kill without breaking a sweat, but who Hinata wanted to protect with her whole being. She’s crying now, clutching the empty wine bottle, because she would still do it, even now.</p><p>She loves him so much that it has taken ten tries and counting to clean out his drawer. She loves him so much that she won’t change the name of the plant he bought her, even though with each <em>Sasuke Two</em> she twists the knife in her side a little more. She loves him so much that she is wearing his dead father’s old sweater, crying and drinking horrible white wine. She tucks her face down beneath the collar, and when she smells him, she cries even harder, because it hurts but it hurts good. Like the pain makes her feel more alive.</p><p>Hinata keeps the place tidy for him, too. She cleans dishes as soon as they are dirty, and she is always sweeping and wiping and folding and organizing. She still loads the dishwasher the way he taught her, even when she feels lazy, because an irrational part of her hopes that he will break in one day and insist on coming back, and that seeing the place tidy would somehow affirm such a bizarre display of affection. She wants him to come back, so, so bad.</p><p>She is ugly crying, but she can’t stop. She drops the empty bottle onto the bed beside her, and tucks her head into her hands. Her father was right. Hinata is incredibly, singularly stupid on a truly epic scale. She wanted to have a life with Sasuke: he wasn’t some guy she fucked for a few months, or even a teenage sweetheart like Naruto. Sasuke is, <em>was</em> going to be the father of her children. They were going to be young and beautiful and then old and ugly together. She was going to love and protect him forever. She screams into her hands. <em>Stupid, stupid, stupid</em>. She will never find another man who she will love that much who fucks her that well and loves her unconditionally. She knows her reason for breaking up with him was valid, and that wanting to break up in the first place is a valid reason as any, but dammit, why couldn’t he just give her what she wanted? <em>Whywhywhywhywhywhy</em> she screams into her hands <em>whywhywhywhy?</em></p><p>The screaming takes something out of her, and she falls apart onto her back, breathing hard. She gulps and blinks, wiping her eyes. She turns to check the clock—11:30 PM. She needs to be up in eight hours for work, and she won’t get any sleep with this much wine in her stomach. She gets up and walks into the kitchen—Sasuke would laugh and say that she is waddling—<em>fuck</em>, she needs to stop thinking about him. She should ask Ino how to get his voice out of her head. But only theoretically. Hinata doesn’t want to let go just yet.</p><p>Hinata takes out three huge, plastic cups. She takes them into the bathroom and fills them with cold water. She kneels in front of the toilet, and double checks the security of her pony tail. She takes off the red sweater, and folds it neatly on the ground beside her.</p><p>She sets the lid of the toilet back. She closes her eyes, and chugs the first glass of water, and then the second, and then the third. As she sets the glass down, she moves fast and sticks her fingers down the back of her throat. All that comes up if liquid and bile. The wine stings worse on its way back up.</p><p>Ino once told her that pulling trig would help prevent a hangover. Hinata is pretty sure that it doesn’t work that way, but it can’t hurt to try.</p><p>When it is all up, she spits in the toilet and slumps back onto her heels. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, staring at the toilet. It smells bad. She scrunches her nose and reaches for the silver handle, and pulls it down. She stands up, shakily, and brushes her teeth and flosses. Deciding that the cups are tomorrow’s problem, she picks up the sweater and puts it back over her head.</p><p> She turns off all the lights on the way back to her room, and she pads around in the dark. She climbs onto the bed, and pulls her thin blanket over her, tucking it under her legs so she feels cocooned. She tucks her nose into the sweater, and thinks about the fact that while it now smells like Sasuke, tomorrow it will smell like her. She starts crying again, so hard that her eyes weld shut.</p><p>The next morning, when her alarm goes off, her throat scratches and it feels like her eyelashes are being peeled off she opens her eyes. The wine bottle is by her forehead, and her prediction came true: the sweater now smells like nothing, like her.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>It is important to Sai that Tenten feels supported. He read that in a book about interpersonal effectiveness. She has been through an Unexpected and Upsetting Life Event. People who go through such things need to get a sense of stability through their loved ones. When he can, he will still make meals for her, since she would otherwise feed herself out of a can. Sai makes sure that every night he is in town, they are together.</p><p>They still run errands together, even though their schedules now conflict; and by conflict, her schedule is predictable whereas the only constant in his work is the gruelling demands. More often than not, he comes into her apartment when she has fallen asleep and will be long gone before she is up.</p><p>The physical demands of Anbu never bothered him before. He is accustomed to a lack of sleep. But he thinks that it was all okay because she was there too. They couldn’t go out on dates or have sex when they were in the field, but he never felt like he was missing out on time together.</p><p>Today, they are in Konoha, and Sai told Neji and Sasuke that while they could do whatever they wanted, he would be taking a lunch break. The two of them had just stared at him, trying to figure out why Sai thought they would have a problem with him taking lunch. All they were doing today is going through and typing up all the unfinished reports that had built up. Sasuke seemed to catch on faster. He smirked, saying <em>oh, are you going to make out with Tenten?</em> Sai’s mouth set in a line and Neji frowned. Sasuke looked between the two of them and sighed, <em>I don’t see why we have to pretend she doesn’t exist. I don’t know about you two, but she was always </em>my<em> favorite</em>. Neji simply left the room. Sasuke smiled and told Sai that he had no plans to leave for lunch, <em>so feel free to take two hours, if you want</em>. Sai smiled and left, knowing he wouldn’t take that extra hour but appreciating it anyway. He knew Sasuke was going through a rough time, and it was a mark of progress that he was trying to be a good person even when he was hurting.</p><p>Sai waited by the bench at the academy, and he smiled when he saw her walk out of the building, flanked by Lee and Chouji. He sees her first, so he gets to see the way her face changes when she sees him. Sai can’t get over the fact that he makes her face light up like that. He isn’t a very exciting person. He can’t imagine what she sees in him. He watches her wave goodbye to Lee and Chouji, and she runs up to him.</p><p>She woke up in the middle of the night and he was there, lying on his stomach. She woke up in the morning, and he had been gone. So in a rare show of exuberance, she jumps on him, and he hugs her back. It hasn’t been very long, but this suspension already feels like it has punished them both enough.</p><p>“Sai,” she mewls into his neck, and he squeezes his eyes shut so that he doesn’t have to see the kissy-faces a few of the kids are making.</p><p>When she turns around to see why his eyes are closed, and she realizes that it is because of a few kids, she kisses him on the corner of his mouth, just to make him blush. It is then that Chouji yells, from across the yard, that he has no interest in watching them make out. Tenten rolls her eyes and leads Sai out of the school yard so they can go on a walk.</p><p>“How was the mission?” she asks, holding his hand. Sai shrugs.</p><p>“Classified.” He replies. It’s their code word for missions that are extra brutal. Like, discovered a new circle in Hell awful. Tenten sighs. He can tell she is bored. She isn’t very good at hiding it.</p><p>“How is the academy?” he asks.</p><p>“It’s boring,” she says, “is it bad for me to say that about teaching the next generation of shinobi?” Sai smiles.</p><p>“I wouldn’t want to do it.” He says, “I’d probably freak them out.”</p><p>“They spend time with Lee, I don’t think you are going to intimidate them.” Tenten says.</p><p>“Why? Am I not intimidating?” Sai says in his blank voice. She laughs.</p><p>“You don’t scare little kids. You’re too pretty.” She smiles, “they look at you and automatically think you’re one of the good guys.” Sai scrunches his face.</p><p>“That’s poor reasoning. I hope you are teaching them critical thinking skills.” He says in a painfully earnest voice.</p><p>“Oh, we do. Lots of crosswords and meditating and doodling.” She says in a bright voice. “All to keep the mind sharp.” Sai opens his mouth, and then closes it.</p><p>“You were telling a joke.” He says, a little disappointed. She squeezes his hand.</p><p>“They’re kids, Sai,” she says, “I don’t want to be the one to make them grow up too fast.” She frowns, and Sai watches a line form between her eyebrows. “That’s why I hate working there. I don’t like being reminded of how things used to be.” Things had never been any different for Sai, so he says nothing. He looks at his watch, and he sighs when he sees the time.</p><p>“I’ll walk you back to the academy,” he says, taking a right turn, holding her hand.</p><p>“Will you be home for dinner?” she asks, “I could go to the store and buy a few things.” Sai looks back at her, preparing to disappoint her. They have a lot of reports to go through, and only three people to do it. But she looks so hopeful, and he wants to see her too.</p><p>“I won’t promise anything, but I will try to be home for seven.” She grins and nearly bruises his hand.</p><p>Sai tells Sasuke about his promise, feeling like an idiot after he came back and looked at all the work they had to do. Sasuke nodded, and looked at the two, even piles before him. He leans over, and takes half of Sai’s pile, and puts it on his own. Sai said he didn’t have to, it’s fine, she can live with disappointment. Sasuke rolled his eyes and said that he was doing this for Tenten because she is his favourite and that he literally had nothing better to do.</p><p>Sai gets home at 6:45 PM, and it makes both his and Tenten’s week.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>As her tongue swirls around her finger, Hinata wonders how her tongue felt to Sasuke. Hinata eats raspberries by placing one on the tip of each of her fingers, like a cap. She then places a finger in her mouth, and sucks the berry off, turning it into a pulp by rubbing the fruit against the roof of her mouth. She removes the finger from her mouth, and looks at the shine of her saliva.</p><p>She doesn’t know what her own tongue feels like on her skin. Her nerves connect both to her brain. Half the fun of someone else touching you is that your brain can’t predict where they are going. Thus, she can’t know how it felt for Sasuke when her tongue was on him. He seemed to like it, but she wants to know what it felt like for him.</p><p>Hinata frowns, and puts her ring finger in her mouth. Ino sits beside her, snapping gum and reading a magazine. She isn’t in the mood for fruit. Looking over at Hinata, Ino smirks. “Hinata, is there no one to lick your fingers for you?” she blushes, and takes the finger out of her mouth. Hinata thinks about replying, but she simply puts another finger into her mouth, ignoring Ino. “Ignoring me isn’t going to make me forget that I asked.” Hinata glares, and puts her thumb in her mouth, sucking off the last berry.</p><p>“Who said I ever had anyone sucking my fingers?” Hinata deadpans.</p><p>“You forgot about your secret boyfriend?” Ino replies, “he must <em>suck</em> in bed.” She cackles to herself, knowing full well that is not the case. Hinata never said his name, but Ino knows for a fact that Hinata and Sasuke say the craziest things to each other.</p><p>Hinata sighs through her nose, and puts her chin on her fists. She blinks, and Ino thinks that maybe, now Hinata will be ready to talk about her feelings. She isn’t stupid. Hinata hasn’t been eating as much as she usually does, and she doesn’t respond to Ino’s taunts. She isn’t sad. Hinata just isn’t herself. She hasn’t said anything, but Ino knows that it has something to do with Sasuke.</p><p>“Hinata,” Ino says, “did anything ever happen between you Sasuke?” Hinata turns to look at Ino. This is the first time she ever actually asked the question.</p><p>Using her clean hand, Hinata begins to put berries on the tips of fingers of her dirty hand. She doesn’t say anything. Ino sighs and turns her attention back to the magazine. At least she asked the question.</p><p>Ibiki stepped out of the office, and they aren’t interrogating anyone today, so they are sitting around, waiting for when they can go home. They sit in silence, when Neji walks through the door. He has a sour look on his face, and his hair is down. They can both tell that he is in a bad mood. When he sees Ino, he usually smiles at her like he has seen her naked.  But his mouth is set in a line, and the tendon in his neck is raised.</p><p>“Neji,” Ino simpers, “how can we help you today?” Neji glares.</p><p>“Not today, Ino.” He says. She closes her magazine and tilts her head to the side, deciding whether or not she wants to throw the fact that she, too, has seen him naked in his face. Hinata pops a finger in her mouth, as Neji paces around their office, glowering.</p><p>“Well, fuck you too.” Ino drawls. Neji shoots her a glare.</p><p>“You already have,” he replies. Ino shrugs. She has no comeback for that one.</p><p>Hinata doesn’t want to get involved. She can tell that it is something serious by the look on his face. Neji isn’t usually so tense. But she hasn’t been sleeping well and his footsteps are uncharacteristically loud. Hinata turns and looks at him.</p><p>“Is there something wrong?” Hinata asks. She keeps her voice cool and even.</p><p>“Why would anything be wrong?” Neji replies. Hinata and Ino blink, and look at each other. Ino turns to Neji.</p><p>“You are stomping around our office, grumbling.” Ino snaps her gum for emphasis. Neji narrows his eyes. He always thought it was a revolting habit of hers. She knows this, and did it on purpose. Not for the first time, they both regret the fact that his dick has been in her mouth.</p><p>“Neji,” Hinata says, holding her hand out to look at the four remaining berries. “You should use your words.”</p><p>“My team is slowly falling apart,” he says. As a rule, Neji doesn’t touch his face, but if he did, he would be rubbing his temples. If he was ever consulted on the matter again, he would say to avoid love at all costs. It rots the brain.</p><p>“I’m sure it can’t be that bad,” Ino says, “don’t Sai and Sasuke have like, four emotions between the two of them?” Hinata shoots Ino a look, and she mouths <em>what?</em> Neji scowls. “I am sure that if you four sit down and talk about it, everything will be fine.”</p><p>“You always say trite things like that.” Neji replies. Ino puffs her cheeks.</p><p>“Because more often than not, if you just sit down and talk about your problems, they are easily solved.” This is something that had always been an issue between them. Neji likes the kind of dead-silence that kills Ino’s spirit. Hinata, bored of watching the two of them re-enacting the moldering corpse of their dead relationship, chooses to speak.</p><p>“Sasuke, Sai and Tenten are usually agreeable.” Hinata says.</p><p>“No, they are usually <em>reasonable</em>,” Neji retorts. Hinata blinks.</p><p>“Neji,” she says, “people are inherently illogical. You have unrealistic expectations.”</p><p>“They are all in Anbu,” he says, “we have no choice but to be logical.”</p><p>“What is this actually about?” Ino asks. Neji chews on the inside of his cheek.</p><p>“Their personal lives are getting in the way.” Hinata blinks. She doesn’t want to know how Sasuke is feeling. It is none of her business, anymore. She feels bad, knowing that he is in pain, even though that pain is unavoidable.</p><p>“Neji, you can’t expect people to turn their emotions off.” Ino says, “feelings are what make life worth living.”</p><p>“Feelings?” Neji snorts. Ino rolls her eyes.</p><p>“Hinata, do you have anything else to add?” Ino asks. Hinata sighs and shakes her head. “In that case, I think you have received all the advice you are going to get. Feel free to leave.” Ino says. Neji blinks, unused to people stepping up to him. With her clean hand, Hinata picks up the carton of raspberries and holds them out.</p><p>“You can sit here and eat berries with me if you promise to be quiet.” Hinata smiles and pops a berry into her mouth. He stands there, hands on his hips, pouting.</p><p>“I just want things to be simple again.” Neji says in a quiet, uncertain voice. Hinata smiles at him.</p><p>“Things were never simple.” She says, “you four are the most complex people I know.” Neji pulls out the chair beside her, and he puts a berry in his mouth.</p><p>They sit in silence, and when Hinata locks up the office, Neji offers to take her out for dinner.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Tenten looks at herself in the bathroom mirror. She wears only a pair of underpants, and her hair is down. Something feels different. She wiggles her hips, and pinches the fat on her belly. Her body is getting softer already. It’s not that she looks bad, or that gaining weight is the end of the world. It’s just that her body is changing because Neji suspended her. It’s like everywhere she looks, she relives seeing Sai in danger and seeing the look on Neji’s face when he suspended her. It’s not good for her psychic well-being, to think this way. But the fat just sits there. She puts a hand on her stomach. There is no mistaking it; she has grown softer.</p><p>Frowning, she walks out of Sai’s bathroom and pads into his room. He just got back from work, and she can tell he is tired. He and Sasuke have been training extra hard for a mission they are going on tomorrow. She will be alone for a few days. Not looking forward to being in her empty apartment without him, Tenten decided to spend the night at his place.</p><p>Sai sits on the bed, his elbows on his knees, rubbing his forehead. Was he always this tired, or does she just now have enough energy to notice? He looks up at her, and smiles.</p><p>“Ten,” he says warmly. She walks up to him, and he eyes her hips as they swing. He doesn’t like that she is suspended, but a part of him feels better knowing she is safe in the village. It has helped put some things in perspective for him. He is at the point in his life where one starts to think about what actually matters. Being a perfect operative doesn’t matter if she is in danger. He is beginning to understand why older shinobi don’t question the system, or the machinations of Konoha. They will gladly feed the beast if it means they can come home to their loved ones. She is his one above all others.</p><p>Saying nothing, she stands before him. “Sai,” she says, “do you think I’m getting fat?” Sai blinks at her, shaking his head.</p><p>“What?” he asks. He has had a rough day, and tomorrow promises to be worse. He really doesn’t want to navigate this kind of conversation. He is spent.</p><p>“Do I look…softer, to you?” Tenten asks. Pitching forward, he sticks his forehead into her bare stomach. She feels his mouth moving against her belly, but she can’t hear him. “Sai?”</p><p>He groans, instead of answering her question. There are no words for how deeply he does not want to have this conversation. Tenten runs her hand through the hair on the back of his head. “Are you going to answer my question?” she asks. Sai pulls his head back, and looks into her eyes.</p><p>“This feels like a trap.” He says. Sai will never forget the beating Sakura gave him when he called her ugly. He is pretty sure that moment is the root of his social anxiety.</p><p>“It’s just a question.” Sai rolls his eyes.</p><p>“No woman has ever asked me about her appearance without it being a trap.” Sai crosses his arms. She sighs, and steps back.</p><p>“I can tell that I am getting softer.” She tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, and she bites her lip. “I just…I’m worried that I will fall behind.” She plops down beside Sai and puts her head on his shoulder. Sai turns to look at her, and smiles.</p><p>“You’re just not going as hard as you used to. It’s not a big deal.” He pats her thigh. Her softness represents something different to him: it means she’s at home, and he can concentrate in the field. To her it represents weakness. He sees a reason to relax.</p><p>Sai doesn’t think that he has a better perspective on her body. He just thinks that they have two very different understandings of what being soft means. But he knows that she isn’t a soft person, and that she prefers the strenuous physical labour of Anbu to the comparatively easier life as a member of the regular forces.</p><p>Tenten looks up at Sai from beneath her eyelashes. “You really think so?” Sai nods.</p><p>“It truly is not a big deal.” She can hear how tired he is in his voice.</p><p>“Okay,” she replies. “Are you hungry? Or do you just want to go to sleep?” Tenten looks up at him with her big doe eyes, and he smiles.</p><p>“I want to go to sleep.” He says. She nods and stands up. While he gets undressed, she brushes her teeth and flosses. He goes into the bathroom as she leaves. Tenten crawls under the duvet, and lies on her back, waiting for Sai.</p><p>He turns off the light, before pulling the covers back. Her arms stretch out towards him. He sees this in the moonlight. Lying on top of her, he presses his face into her chest. “Do you really want to sleep like this?” he asks.</p><p>“Yes,” she says. He sighs, and drops off quickly. When her eyes close, he is asleep on her arm. When she wakes up for work, he is long gone.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Tenten and Ino go to lunch now. Hinata has been in the mood to stay in her office all day, looking at files. Ino knows to give her space, and since Sakura is always busy, between the hospital and Naruto’s circling. Lee and Chouji have been busy preparing their students for their genin promotions and Sai had gone on a mission; Tenten has been feeling neglected over the past few days.</p><p>They go to a café around the corner from the academy. They sit at the same table by the window, and they both order something different each day. Today, Tenten is picking at a salad, while Ino gobbles down a sandwich. For someone so pretty, Ino can be profoundly ugly when she feels like it. Tenten likes it; it humanizes her. She picks up a piece of kale, and sticks it in her mouth, while Ino chews a bit of sandwich.</p><p>Ino tilts her head, looking at Tenten thoughtfully. “You’re bored,” Ino says after she swallows. Tenten sighs.</p><p>“The kids are fun, and Lee and Chouji are nice.” Tenten is diplomatic. Ino snorts.</p><p>“You work with three big babies who have well cultivated psychopathic streaks,” Ino grins, “personally, I would take the kids in the academy, but I’m not like you. I don’t like things that can bite back.” Ino is being facetious. Like Hinata, she doesn’t like inflicting violence. That’s why Ibiki chose to groom the two of them to be his successors. But no one in Anbu is there because they don’t believe that violence, in some ways, is necessary to solving the world’s problems. In all fairness, Neji, Sasuke and Sai were never presented with any alternatives; almost every major event in their lives hinged on violence.</p><p>“They’re not like that,” she says, “they are easier to work with than children.” Ino snorts.</p><p>“<em>Sure</em>,” Ino doesn’t believe her. “I’m pretty sure that the kids in the academy would be pretty angry if someone told them to allow a teammate to die.” Ino takes another bite of her sandwich, wondering if she ought to save the other half for Shikamaru. If she wasn’t around, he would never eat.</p><p>Tenten scowls. She didn’t think anyone was supposed to know the details of her suspension. “Who told you?”</p><p>“Shikamaru,” Ino shrugs, while wrapping the other half of her sandwich in a few napkins. Tenten stabs a piece of chicken with her fork. “He’s mad that Neji suspended you without clearing it with him and Kakashi.”</p><p>“The entire suspension is bullshit.” Tenten stuffs the chicken into her mouth and chews aggressively.</p><p>“Can’t you just ask Neji for your job back?” Ino asks, “he came into T&amp;I in a foul mood the other day. I’m sure he wants to talk to you.” Tenten scoffs.</p><p>“I don’t really want to talk to him.” She moves some vegetables around her bowl. “I won’t speak to him unless he apologizes first.” They have never had a fight like this before. But things change; if he won’t reach out, then she sees no reason to.</p><p>“We both know he won’t say anything first,” Ino replies, “he’s a coward in all the important ways.”</p><p>“Our missions are pretty scary,” Tenten replies. She doesn’t disagree with Ino, but she reflexively defends Neji. Ino rolls her eyes.</p><p>“No, your missions are high-risk. They aren’t scary.” Tapping the table with a nail, Ino smirks. “You are the only member on your team who isn’t pathologically terrified of people.”</p><p>“You’re not wrong.” Tenten replies. She can already feel herself changing her mind.</p><p>“You are the brave one.” Ino smiles, “just be brave for him one last time, and talk to him about what happened.” Ino has the gift of suggestion, persuading you to do something you didn’t really want to do and making you think it was your idea.</p><p>Tenten knows this, and yet, she finds herself nodding in agreement. “I have to, don’t I?</p><p>“Unless you want to stay out for the whole suspension.” Ino pops the last bit of her sandwich into her mouth. Tenten sighs.</p><p>“I am so bored. I look at Sai, who comes back tired from work, and I am so fucking jealous. I can’t stand it.” She stabs her fork through a tomato.</p><p>“You can’t get what you want if you don’t ask for it,” Ino replies, “how does the saying go?”</p><p>“A closed mouth doesn’t get fed.” Tenten opens her mouth and places the tomato in it. It squelches around in her mouth. Ino nods, tucking the other half of her sandwich into her purse before she says goodbye.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p><em>Being alive is a fucking chore</em>. Sasuke sits on Sakura’s parents’ old couch, waiting for it to be picked up for charity. It is a hot day, and he and Sai had only just come back from a bitch of a mission when Naruto came up to them, begging and pleading for help moving the couch out of the living room and to the curb, and moving the new couch in.</p><p>Sai, like a fool, immediately said yes for both of them. Actually, come to think of it, Sai was probably in on the plot to force Sasuke out of his apartment. It’s not that he feels bad, it’s just, well, he isn’t really over Hinata breaking up with him. A year doesn’t just go away, and he has caught himself, numerous times, walking towards her place after work or going to the grocery store by her house. He has seen her in passing, but he doesn’t think that she has seen him. It’s always the back of her head or the curtain of her hair.</p><p>When he sees her, he feels something lock up in his chest and it takes everything in him not to go up and ask her, pretty please, if she would reconsider. Never before has he been rejected by a woman. He is used to having all the emotional power in his relationships. While he has loved before, it has never been as intense or certain as he feels for Hinata. Even now, when he thinks of her he sees his future: it’s now that he sees it slipping away.</p><p>There are days when Sasuke is really and truly angry about it. That it wasn’t even a discussion; that it felt like Hinata made a unilateral decision without consulting him. On the other hand, if she hadn’t broken up with him, he wouldn’t now know that he was willing to go public in the first place. In all honesty, if she had let him keep putting it off, he would have kept trying to get away with it. When Sasuke looks inside himself, in his absolute darkest moments, he knows that she was compromising herself to make him comfortable. He knows that is no way to live. She had every right to get out.</p><p>Sitting on the couch beside Sai, they are treated to another episode of <em>The Sakura and Naruto Show</em>. Naruto wants to go get dinner. Sakura wants them all to wait for the truck to pick up the couch. Sai probably wants to go home and breathe on Tenten, or whatever they do when no one else is around. Sasuke has nothing to go back to, but after days with Sai and Neji, he would love nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep for the rest of his life. He isn’t depressed. Just over it.</p><p>Which is probably why they are all here. Naruto and Sakura are worried about him, so they are creating things that require his presence. It is flattering, but Sasuke could really, really use some alone time. He might even treat himself to a double dose of NyQuil.</p><p>Maybe his wounds are festering. Oh well. It’s probably too late to be different now.</p><p>Sai pulls a baggie with nuts out of his pocket. He opens the bag, and offers some to Sasuke. Sakura is in the middle of telling Naruto that he will never amount to anything if he doesn’t take the time to see things through properly, when Sasuke stands up instead of holding his hand out to Sai.</p><p>“Sakura,” Sasuke says, “you won the stupid bet.” All three blink at him.</p><p>“The bet?” Sakura asks, blinking. She has clearly forgotten. Naruto is scratching his head too. Sasuke sighs. “Sai and Tenten got together first. Hinata and I never…got off the ground.” This is the closest he has come to admitting that anything happened between the two of them. Sakura and Sai look like they want to say something, but Naruto speaks first.</p><p>“SASUKE!” He shouts. “I don’t believe you.” Sasuke blinks.</p><p>“You should,” he says, “I would never lie.”</p><p>“You are in Anbu; you lie all the time!” Naruto jumps up and down, like his is twelve and not twenty-five.</p><p>“Is Sai a liar?” Sasuke volleys back. Sai goes to speak, but Sakura shushes him with a hand.</p><p>“Sai doesn’t lie about the big stuff!” Naruto says, “you cannot tell me that you and Hinata weren’t seeing each other seven months ago, if not longer.” Sasuke screws up his face.</p><p>“I am telling you, for the last time, nothing happened between Hinata and I.” Sasuke frowns. Naruto is about to speak, but he cuts him off. “Sai and I can stay and deal with the couch. You two should go out on your not-date.”</p><p>“Sasuke,” Naruto goes up to him, “you need to tell us what really happened.” Sasuke tilts his head, and sighs.</p><p>“I am a losing dog, I guess.” Sasuke sort of wilts, and Naruto takes him by the shoulders.</p><p>“No you are NOT a loser. You are one of the strongest people I know!” Naruto starts shaking Sasuke by the shoulders, and he closes his eyes to avoid getting dizzy. “You have been a winner since you first day at the academy!” Once it is clear that Naruto won’t stop unless forced, Sakura steps between the two of them.</p><p>“Naruto, I think we should let Sasuke figure out when he is going to tell us what happened.” Sakura turns to Sasuke, “and I am feeling hungry, so if you and Sai are still good to deal with the truck, we can just go now.” She smiles at Sasuke, and he quirks his mouth at her. He is indebted to her for a lot of reasons, but this is in the top five nicest things she has done for him.</p><p>Sakura hauls Naruto away, and Sasuke plops down beside Sai again. He puts out his hand, and Sai drops some nuts into his hand.</p><p>“We are always left in the dust.” Sai remarks. Sasuke shrugs, picking up a cashew.</p><p>“Do you want to spend time with them on their date?” Sasuke smirks. Sai shakes his head.</p><p>“But you didn’t have to do that,” Sai replies.</p><p>“Do what?” Sasuke puts the cashew in his mouth. He turns, and Sai gives him a blank look.</p><p>“Lie.” Sai takes a sunflower seed out of his baggie. “You and Hinata were seeing each other since before she shut you down in the flower shop.”</p><p>“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Sasuke shoves the whole handful of nuts into his mouth, chewing angrily.</p><p>“Is it over?” Sai asks. Sasuke pauses, before nodding.</p><p>“How did you know?” Sasuke asks, his mouth full.</p><p>“Because you finally called the bet.” Sai replies. Sasuke shrugs.</p><p>“I also want them to be happy.” Sasuke looks down the street. “The guy should always pay. It would have been tacky if…”</p><p>“You told the truth?” Sai offers. Sasuke narrows his eyes in response.</p><p>“Don’t you want to go home and pet Tenten?” Sasuke asks. It’s a rude question, but Sai can appreciate that Sasuke is doing his best to still believe in love.</p><p>“I can wait.” Sai replies, “you would look like a real loser if you were sitting on this couch all by yourself.”</p><p>Sasuke nods and puts out his hand. Sai grins, and pours more nuts onto his palm. They don’t talk much. They both prefer to sit and stare down the street. After an hour, the truck finally pulls up.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Tenten doesn’t think about what she is about to do. She simply does it. Knocking exactly three times, she stands back from the door. Just as she thinks that there will be no answer, she hears the lock turn. Neji pokes his head out, his hair in a bun. He is wearing an ugly tourist shirt and sweatpants. He looks like such a normal guy, it’s funny.</p><p>But she can’t laugh. Not when she sees the anger on his face. “Hi.” Tenten didn’t think she would have to say much more. He blinks at her, irritated. “Am I bothering you?”</p><p>“Yes,” he replies.</p><p>“Oh, okay.” She says, “I’ll get going.” Her face falls, and he sighs, stepping out from behind the door.</p><p>“Ten.” He murmurs.  She looks up at him, hopeful. He offers a small smile. “How are you?”</p><p>“Do you really want to know?” she asks.</p><p>“Yes.” He thinks about her all the time, ever since she hurled her mask at the wall.</p><p>“I am bored,” she replies, “like, stick a bobby pin into an electrical outlet bored.” He nods.</p><p>“Your talents are being wasted.” He says simply. She inhales, thinking that this will be easier than she had thought. <em>Maybe he has changed his mind</em>.</p><p>“I came here because I need my job back.” She says. He frowns.</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“Oh?”</p><p>“I thought this was a social call.” He replies in a small voice. She tilts her head, trying to figure out when there had ever been a distinction between the professional and personal in their friendship.</p><p>“It is. We always talk about work.” She replies. Neji looks to the floor.</p><p>“Are you even sorry?” he asks. He can tell that she still doesn’t get it.</p><p>“No,” Tenten’s voice is quiet, but she doesn’t hesitate. “I will never be sorry for throwing that kunai.”</p><p>“You can’t come back, then.” Neji says in a cold voice. “You need to be able to look me in the eye and tell me that Sai won’t get in the way.”</p><p>“He was never in the way.” Tenten’s voice is quiet. Neji blinks at her.</p><p>“He has made you weak.” He says in a sad voice. “You are meant for great things, but you won’t achieve them if you throw them away for him.”</p><p>“I didn’t throw anything away,” her voice rises, “you are asking me to throw my humanity away.” Neji purses his lips. Tenten feels herself beginning to lose her cool. Where has her patience gone? Her ability to wait out Neji’s tantrums? Did she kill that too? “I’m in love with him.”</p><p>“I know.” Neji says. “You need to decide if you are Eagle or Sai’s girlfriend, because from my perspective, I don’t think you can do both.” Tenten looks stunned. Neji has never reduced her to anything, not once. It hurts, to hear him tell her who he thinks she really is.</p><p>“I think you’re wrong.” She says.</p><p>“That’s not the same as telling me.” He replies. Tenten bites her lower lip. “Come back here when you can tell me who you will be when the mask is on.” Neji says, stepping back into his apartment.</p><p>“I’m Tenten.” She says, “That’s who I always have been and who I will be.”</p><p>“You’re not her,” he says, “the Tenten I know wouldn’t choose mediocrity.”</p><p>“Sai is our comrade!” She yells, “what was I supposed to do? Watch him die? Would that make you happier?!”</p><p>“You’re yelling.” He says.</p><p>“How am I supposed to react? Do you want me to blink and roll over?” she snarls. “Because the Neji I know would never ask me to compromise the safety of our teammates.”</p><p>“We’re Anbu,” he says, “Sai knows what he signed up for.”</p><p>“He was a child!” Tenten throws her arms up in the air, as if to make herself look physically bigger. Neji blinks.</p><p>“You’re an adult. If you can’t handle it, you should leave.” He says.</p><p>“Are you even a person anymore?” she asks. Neji blinks.</p><p>“Yes. I just haven’t changed.” <em>Not like you</em>.</p><p>When she finally gets back to Sai’s place, she walks through the door, crying, and hugs him while he loads the dishwasher. She doesn’t take off her shoes or her coat or anything. He asked her what happened, but she was in hysterics. It took ten minutes for him to convince her to let him go, that he really and truly isn’t going anywhere, that this isn’t a dream, that he really is alive and this isn’t some fever dream or psychosis triggered by his untimely death.</p><p>When she calmed down enough for <em>what happened</em> to register, her face crumples, and she said that she was just anxious, that’s all. Sometimes it gets the best of her. Sai doesn’t believe her, because she has never mentioned anxiety to him before, but he lets her lie to him because he trusts that she will tell him the truth, when she is ready.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi Team! I am sorry for my extended silence. I have great news: this entire story is drafted (yes, all seventeen chapters exist). I will be doing weekly updates from now on. I hope you are all staying safe in the age of COVID. I usually catch errors as I go, but let me know if there is anything egregious. </p><p>Oh, and "Don't Stop" by Fleetwood Mac is the song that mocks Sasuke.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. A Mistake</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A pack of beer, a blanket as a dress and a 10/10.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em>“What do you do with a loving feeling/when a loving feeling leaves you all alone?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Mitski, A Loving Feeling</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Tenten sits across from Ino, sipping a beer. They have a table right by the wall, and a third chair pulled up on the open side. It sits, empty. Hinata went up to the bar to get a drink, but Tenten is watching her flirt with the bar tender. She frowns, and Ino turns to look too.</p><p>“Oh,” Ino says, “you’re looking at that.” Ino rolls her eyes, and adjusts herself to lean against the wall, taking in the rest of the scene. Ino pouts, clearly frustrated that Hinata isn’t paying attention to her.</p><p>“I didn’t know she was looking.” Tenten says, strategically. She hasn’t seen Sasuke in a month, but she still respects him enough to keep his secrets. Ino looks at Tenten with one of her piercing expressions. Her eyes narrow, and her eyes become deeper than the ocean, like she is about to pull her in.</p><p>“You’re very diplomatic.” Ino replies, turning her attention to her nails. Tenten shrugs.</p><p>“It’s my job to hide things in plain sight.” Tenten replies. “Or, at least, it was.” She sighs, and Ino gives her a pitying look.</p><p>Tenten has been out for a month. Technically, she is halfway through her suspension. But she is restless. She was never meant to live a quiet life. She wants to be in on the action. She doesn’t do well without the kind of intense, active work of Anbu. Everyone can tell that she is miserable. Sai does his best, but she has found herself increasingly wondering if Neji was right. Every time she looks at Sai, she can’t help but feel a twinge of resentment. She does not regret saving him. If something had happened to him in front of her, and she did nothing to stop it, she would never recover.</p><p>But does she look at her uniform and wish she were still in the field? Absolutely. Not at the price of his violent death, obviously. But that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t miss it. She turns so that her back leans against the wall, so Ino can’t see her whole face. Tenten always thought she knew who she was, and then Sai went and made her feel like she isn’t a whole person without him.</p><p>She lies beside him at night, awake, wondering how she is supposed to decide who she is—Eagle or Tenten. She thought she could have both, but what if Neji was right? What if she was just a weakling? She sighs, sipping her beer.</p><p>“Ino, how did you decide who you are?” Tenten asks. Ino looks at her, confused.</p><p>“Who I am?” Ino blinks. Tenten nods.</p><p>“I have a choice to make, and it involves choosing over two things that make me who I am.” Tenten puts down her drink, and knocks on the table with her knuckles. Ino watches her.</p><p>“Do you really have to make this choice?” she asks. “You are probably over thinking it.” Tenten wilts into the wall.</p><p>“I don’t think I am.” She looks down at her feet. She feels like she is being asked to cleave herself in two. But the more time goes by, the more she thinks that perhaps, Neji really was right to call her weak.</p><p>Tenten sips her beer, as she and Ino watch Hinata give the bar tender her number. <em>Bummer for Sasuke</em>, Tenten thinks, <em>he really loves you, Hinata</em>.</p><p>Ino can tell her differently, but Tenten is inclined to believe Neji when he tells her that it is an either/or thing, being Eagle and Sai’s girlfriend.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Tenten wakes up one morning, and as she watches Sai get dressed, she feels something break inside of her. They stayed at her place, so his back is to her as he pulled on the underwear he brought over in an overnight bag. She watches as he pulls the waistband over his hips, and the way he bends forward to pick up his pants. He has to go to breakfast with his team. He keeps meaning to ask Sakura if he could bring Tenten along. Sai is always excited to go to these things, even though Sakura and Naruto bicker all the time and Sasuke is a miserable asshole.</p><p>Naked, she wraps her arms around her knees. As he steps into his pants, Tenten knows what she has to do, and it means that she will never have breakfast with Team Seven. She holds herself tighter, and she tries not to think about it. He swipes on some deodorant, and she looks at the muscles in his back. He leans forward, taking a shirt out. It’s his black turtleneck, the one Sakura bought him.</p><p>“Sai?” his name comes out of Tenten’s mouth light, like a cloud. He is holding his shirt, and he looks over his shoulder at her, blinking. A long minute stretches between them, and though he can’t imagine why, Sai feels like something very bad is about to happen to him.</p><p>“Yes?” he replies. Tenten’s eyes are watering.</p><p>“I think we need to take a break.”</p><p>“A break?” his voice is hoarse. Sai feels like this is happening to someone else, and he is simply a witness to it.</p><p>“Yes,” she says in the smallest voice he has ever heard.</p><p>“You are breaking up with me.” Sai wants clarity. “Why?” Tenten blinks at him.</p><p>“Because I was told to choose.” Sai swallows. She doesn’t need to tell him.</p><p>“You want to get back to Anbu.” He says. Sai can tell that she was restless, and that her suspension was slowly driving her insane. Even if she made the full sixty days, Neji would never accept her if she didn’t do something to prove her commitment to her duties. Sai wouldn’t love her as much as he did if she weren’t as driven as she is.</p><p>“Yes.” She says. She won’t cry in front of him. She is the one doing the hurting; she has no right to cry.</p><p>Sai turns around and pulls his shirt over his head. He knows that he is in pain, but it is so overwhelming that he is unable to do anything but go through the motions. He zips up his overnight bag and puts on his sandals and leaves without saying a word.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>People have been looking at Sai strangely. His face must be doing something wrong. He can’t imagine what that would be. Instead of knocking, Sai walks into Sakura’s house. He drops his bag in the hall, and kicks off his sandals. He can hear Naruto and Sakura talking, and Sasuke occasional grumbling. Sai moves quietly, walking up the hall and into the kitchen.</p><p>Sakura is cutting up some fruit, while Naruto and Sasuke sit at the table, drinking coffee. When they look at him, they confirm that something is wrong with his face. For a moment, all four of them freeze. Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto all stare at Sai. Sasuke frowns, and Naruto looks stunned. Sakura is the only one who looks as worried as she feels. She drops the knife and runs over to Sai. Her arms open up, wide, and Sai finds himself falling, falling down to the floor. Sakura clings to him, running her hands through his hair, asking him <em>what happened</em>.</p><p>He opens his mouth to speak, but all that comes out is a sob. Naruto and Sasuke put their coffee down. Naruto kneels down, so he can look into Sai’s eyes. “Sai, what happened?” Naruto asks. Sai squeezes his eyes shut and closes his eyes, covering his ears with his hands. He has never felt this kind of pain before. It is dizzying. His ears are ringing and his stomach hurts and something in his chest is dying. Sakura wraps her arms around him tighter, and he hears her tell Naruto to go boil some water. Sasuke walks down the hall, and Naruto calls out, like, <em>where the hell do you think you’re going?</em></p><p>Sasuke shouts back that he has something he needs to do, but to not let Sai be alone right now. <em>He isn’t built for this kind of pain, Naruto</em>. Sasuke is right. Sai is pretty sure that this is how actual death will feel: cold, stinging, acute pain. He tucks his face into the crook of Sakura’s elbow, and allows himself to sob.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Tenten is crying, but she still has processed what has happened to her. She knows she is broken, but it’s like she has so much adrenaline running through her system that she doesn’t feel it yet. She is lying on her bed, naked. She is on her side, with no idea of where to go from here. She still has ten fingers and ten toes, and she can move them all. She isn’t physically paralyzed, but something keeps her from moving.</p><p>She doesn’t even jump when she hears a thump at her door. She decides to wait for it to go away, but it comes again and again and again, until she finally stands up. She reaches for a blanket, and wraps it around herself. She walks to the door, the blanket like a long, shapeless dress with a train. Her hair is down. She didn’t lock the door after Sai left. They never even exchanged keys. They were always together.</p><p>She depresses herself with this thought as she opens the door. Before her, Sasuke stands. He looks stunned, like he didn’t believe that she would open the door. They stare at each other for a moment, before she stands back to let him in.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” she blinks. Sasuke still stands outside of the apartment. He blinks. They haven’t seen each other in a month. He doesn’t look well. Like he has lost his spark.</p><p>“What did you do to Sai?” Sasuke asks. His voice is quiet.</p><p>“I thought you two weren’t friends.” She replies. Her voice isn’t cold. Rather, she sounds dead.</p><p>“It’s different when you make him cry,” Sasuke says, walking through the door. He looks around the big, empty apartment. “How long have you lived here?” Sasuke looks back at her. Tenten shrugs.</p><p>“I don’t know. Two years, I guess.” She walks back over to the bed, and flops back onto it. Sasuke takes off his sandals, and walks in.</p><p>“Two years?” he asks. She must be joking.</p><p>“I never got around to decorating.” She rolls onto her back, like a dying animal.</p><p>“Has Sakura been here? Because she is always stomping around my apartment, telling me I am going to end up alone, but I think this place is worse.” Sasuke looks around. There isn’t even a chair to sit on. <em>Where did Sai even sit?</em></p><p>While he considers the mystery of where Sai perched, Sasuke hears Tenten croak. He turns to look at her. “Neji was right, you know.” Sasuke rolls his eyes.</p><p>“About what?” he replies.</p><p>“About Sai making me weak.” Tenten sits up, covering herself with her blanket. Never before has Sasuke found implied nudity so un-arousing. “I can’t see myself not in Anbu.” Sasuke sighs.</p><p>“Love makes you strong, Ten.” Sasuke walks over and sits beside her. “And are you really going to sit there and tell me that you can see yourself without Sai?” Tenten frowns.</p><p>“I always thought of myself as independent and hard-working.” She says, “I don’t want to be remembered in Anbu as someone who wasted their potential for a man. It’s different from women, Sasuke.” Tenten swings her legs. Sasuke turns to look at her.</p><p>“Normally, I wouldn’t say this because I think it is toxic to tell people to stay in relationships they don’t want to be in, but I can tell that you and Sai are special to each other,” Sasuke turns away, trying not to think of Hinata. “You two are cute, even when you do gross things like share cups or pet each other in front of Neji and I.”</p><p>“We never petted each other in front of you two!” Tenten snaps. Sasuke rolls his eyes.</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>“I’m serious!” She says, “I don’t share!” Sasuke blinks, and then laughs.</p><p>“You think Neji and I would fight with you over Sai?” Sasuke can’t stop laughing. “That is the funniest thing I’ve heard in a while.” Tenten puffs her cheeks, as Sasuke gets up, still chuckling. “Sai is always at the bottom of the pack, isn’t he?” Sasuke walks over to the fridge and opens it. Tenten frowns.</p><p>“What are you doing?” she asks.</p><p>“I want to see if you have any beer.” Sasuke closes the door. “You don’t, by the way. Want me to go get some?” he walks back over to the door and puts on his sandals. Tenten watches him. She remembers, distinctly, not inviting him to stay.</p><p>“Why would you be buying me beer?” she asks. Sasuke snorts.</p><p>“Put some clothes on and you’ll find out.” He rubs his forehead. Her apartment is tidy but he supposes there is a kind of chaos generated by emptiness. No, it’s chaos born of the insistence upon emptiness. Tenten resists being attached to things unless she has no choice. Things that are non-optional to other people are disposable out of necessity.</p><p>She looks up at Sasuke, trying to figure out his angle. Men always want something. Well, except the dolts in their social circle. Sasuke appears unimpressed by her silence.</p><p>“I don’t want to sleep with you.” He says. It’s rude, but she feels so bad that is doesn’t even bruise her ego.</p><p>“Why me?” she asks, “you hate people.” Sasuke blinks.</p><p>“I like <em>particular </em>people,” he corrects her. “I have had a shitty month and I think it would be nice to spend time with a fellow miserable person who doesn’t need me to act like I’m fine.” Tenten bites her lip, and gets up off the bed.</p><p>“You promise we’re just going to be miserable together?” she asks. Sasuke nods.</p><p>“We are going to hit rock bottom.” Tenten smiles at his words.</p><p>“Rock bottom, huh?” she says. Sasuke goes to the door.</p><p>“Put some clothes on!” He hollers over his shoulder, closing the door behind him.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>An hour later, Sasuke sits at the end of Tenten’s bed, his back against the mattress, legs crossed. Tenten made her bed while he was gone, and she now lies on it, her feet on her pillows and her head by Sasuke’s shoulder. She is wearing a pair of shorts and a tissue thin tie dye shirt. He can see her nipples and the shape of her breasts, but Sasuke isn’t interested in any woman but Hinata.</p><p>He still thinks about her when he rubs one out. It makes him feel a soul deep shame that he hasn’t felt in a long, long time.</p><p>They are both two beers on an empty stomach deep, and Tenten is lying on her stomach, eyeing the beer in her bottle.</p><p>“Sasuke,” she says, “why are you miserable?” Tenten drawls. They haven’t been talking. Just drinking.</p><p>“Hinata dumped me.” Sasuke bites the bullet and chugs his beer. Tenten nods. “We were together for a year, and I didn’t want to go public with her, so she broke up with me.” Sasuke takes a third beer out of the twelve-pack he bought. Tenten eyes him. He catches her, and wordlessly gives her the beer in his hand, and takes a third out for himself.</p><p>“Why did you want it to be a secret?” she asks. Sasuke shrugs.</p><p>“I want to have something just for me.” He replies, “everyone wants a piece of me, and I just wanted…I wanted to protect her from the world, in my own way. But I only hurt her feelings, so once again, I am a failure.” Sasuke opens the bottle with the bottle opener on Tenten’s key ring. Tenten sits up, frowning at the back of his head.</p><p>“You’re not a failure, Sasuke.” She says, “you’re in Anbu.” He snorts.</p><p>“They don’t know where else to put me.” He mutters.</p><p>Tenten knows better than to question Sasuke’s negative self-image. That’s for his therapist. She rubs her chin with her pointer finger, as Sasuke tosses the bottle opener over his shoulder. She catches it before it lands on the bed.</p><p>“You’re so angry all the time.” She sighs.</p><p>“I’m troubled,” he retorts. Tenten smirks.</p><p>“No, you like to whine.” Tenten says in a matter-of-fact tone. “Too many people indulge you.” She opens her beer, and cusses when it fizzes out, all over her bed. Sasuke turns back and laughs at her. She gives him the middle finger, and he laughs harder.</p><p>She stands up on her bed, holding the half-full bottle of beer. She steps lightly onto the floor, and Sasuke admires the shape of her legs. Tenten catches him, and frowns.</p><p>“Don’t look at me like that.” She says. Sasuke smirks.</p><p>“Like what?” he asks.</p><p>“Like you want to see me naked.” She walks over to the sink, and he grins.</p><p>“You have nice legs.” He shrugs, “I’ll stop looking, if you want.” She turns to him and frowns.</p><p>“Where is your loyalty to Sai and Hinata?” Sasuke frowns.</p><p>“I don’t want to actually sleep with you.” He says. “I don’t think I want to have sex again, like, ever.” Not with anyone but Hinata. It’s sick. He needs help, or, to at least be more open with his therapist. He frowns to himself, and Tenten can tell that he is going to a dark place.</p><p>“Well, I won’t be three for three.” She sniffs, and Sasuke’s eyes widen as he does the math.</p><p>“You and Neji?” he snorts. He gets why Neji would like Tenten, but what did she get out of it?</p><p>“We were seventeen and figuring it out,” she shrugs. She opens a cupboard, and pulls out a bag of chips. With the chips and her beer, she walks back over and plops beside him. Sasuke takes the bag from her and opens it. He takes a chip out for himself, before offering her some. She takes one, and pops it in her mouth.</p><p>Sasuke eats another chip, as he snorts to himself.</p><p>“What?” Tenten asks. He shakes his head.</p><p>“Just, you and Neji?” he chuckles to himself. “I can’t picture it.” Tenten smiles and shrugs.</p><p>“It ended because Hiashi walked in on us and I saw who Neji would become in twenty years.” Tenten giggles, and Sasuke laughs.</p><p>“Shikamaru joked about Sai and I being psycho-sexual stand-ins for Neji and Hiashi.” Sasuke says, “I didn’t say it then, but it was actually kind of funny.” Tenten smiles.</p><p>“I don’t know why he is laughing. Ino is also in the race to be three for three.” Tenten kicks her leg out, and sips her beer. Sasuke frowns.</p><p>“I’d have sex with you before her,” he says, “it’s not even a contest.” Tenten gives him a side-eye.</p><p>“She’s so pretty it’s gross.” Tenten says, “why wouldn’t you?” Sasuke makes a face like he tasted something bad.</p><p>“She used to jump on me when we were kids, and she is loud.” Sasuke sighs, “Hinata would actually hate me and Shikamaru would ruin my life. Besides, I think Ino and I both know that our bit works better when it is antagonistic. We like each other better when it’s like this; trust me.” Sasuke sips his beer, and Tenten shrugs.</p><p>They sit in silence, and Sasuke gets an idea, that he thinks will be really funny. He turns to look at the side of her face. She is frowning at her nails. Sasuke leans forward, and kisses her temple. He pulls back, and laughs at the stunned look on her face.</p><p>“What was that!?” Tenten exclaims. Sasuke sips his beer before answering. Her face gets all red, and he can tell it’s because she kind of liked it. Tenten rubs the spot. Both Neji and Sai have kissed her there. This feels like a horrible, horrible way of history repeating itself.</p><p>“You’re three for three.” Sasuke smiles. Tenten scowls. He is lucky that he is stupid handsome. All three of them are.</p><p>“Fuck you, you have all now kissed my break out spot.” She frowns. Sasuke blinks, and leans back in. He squints at her skin, but at most, he sees a few blocked pores.</p><p>“I don’t see anything.”</p><p>“You aren’t looking hard enough!” She snaps. Sasuke narrows his eyes.</p><p>“Are you saying that I have bad vision?” he asks, dryly. “You, at most, have a few blocked pores.” Tenten grumbles, and Sasuke smiles. “At least it has all been on big lateral move for you.” Sasuke pats her head, and she narrows her eyes at him.</p><p>“This is sexual harassment.” She says. Sasuke shrugs.</p><p>“Go tell Neji.” He grunts, reaching for a chip. “I would <em>love</em> to have a reason to punch him.” Tenten rolls her eyes.</p><p>“And why do you want to punch him?” she sips her beer. She expects it to be something dumb, like most of the disagreements her teammates have. Sasuke is silent, and when she turns to look at him, he has a solemn expression on his face.</p><p>“Because he knows that if you had seen Sai get killed in front of you, that you never would have recovered.” Sasuke blinks. “We all know that. You love Sai so much that your brain wouldn’t even be able to consciously process the loss. You’d have to spend your days guarding Shikamaru, and even then, there would be another operative stationed who would actually be doing the job. We would just be giving you something to do.” Sasuke looks away from her, and sips his beer. “I’m mad at him for both of you, because you two are my friends.” Sasuke is trying to be a better person. Part of that is making sure that your friends know that they are your friends.</p><p>He turns to look at Tenten, who has an incredibly sad look on her face. “It’s true.” She says, “even now that we aren’t together.” She feels broken, but she would be dead if anything were to happen to Sai. She doesn’t think that will go away. Sasuke nods.</p><p>“I’d feel the same, if it were Hinata.” He says this quietly, “that’s why I stepped in front of you the way I did.”</p><p>“Because of Hinata?” Tenten asks. Sasuke rolls his eyes.</p><p>“I did it because it was unfair, since he knew what losing Sai would do to you, and because you would do the same for me, if I had blown a mission to protect Hinata.” Tenten nods.</p><p>“I would have kicked Neji across the clearing for you.” She smiles. Sasuke sips his beer, and looks at the blank wall ahead of him.</p><p>“You know why I like you, Ten?”</p><p>“Because I have nice legs and I would kick Neji’s ass if he came between you and protecting Hinata?” she asks. Sasuke laughs, but he shakes his head.</p><p>“Because you like Sai, Neji and I as we are.” He says, “you are the only person who does.” Tenten rolls her eyes.</p><p>“The three of you are something else.” She says, “I just work with you all the time, so you know me the best. But people don’t laugh behind your backs, wanting you to be fixed.” Tenten sips her beer. “We’re all fucked, in our own ways. The three of you just have a hard time getting out of your own heads.” She huffs, and Sasuke leans back against her bed.</p><p>They stare into space for a while, before Sasuke recovers his rakish grin. He turns to Tenten, and her eyes are already rolling out of her head. “What?”</p><p>“I’m thinking about your legs.” Sasuke is half-joking. Tenten frowns. She knows he is only doing this because Hinata has left a void in his life that could never be filled.</p><p>“It wouldn’t be sex.” Tenten replies, “it wouldn’t be real sex and you know it.” Sasuke sighs.</p><p>“I know,” he says quietly, “I was just trying to lighten the mood.” Tenten sips her beer.</p><p>“I don’t think I was doing sex right, before Sai.” She says, “that’s how much I love him.” Sasuke nods.</p><p>“When I was with Hinata, there were moments after when I would lay back and think: this is what the human race is all about; this is why we exist.” Sasuke says. Tenten laughs.</p><p>“Once you have the kind of sex that makes you understand why your parents fucked you into existence, you can’t go back.” Tenten says. Sasuke laughs beside her.</p><p>It’s nice, laughing with someone whose heart is just as badly broken as your own. When the laughter peters out, Tenten sighs. “I don’t think I am going to find anyone else.” Sasuke exhales.</p><p>“You and me both.” He replies. Tenten turns to him, and he looks at her.</p><p>“Do you think I’m weak?” Sasuke rolls his eyes.</p><p>“I think Neji is an asshole.” He grunts. Tenten pouts.</p><p>“But he is my best friend.” She sighs.</p><p>“What am I?” Sasuke asks, waving his hand. “I’m drinking beer on the floor with you, not him.” Tenten smiles.</p><p>“I guess you can be my second string.” Sasuke gasps, and clutches his chest like he has been wounded. Tenten pushes him, and he falls over, his beer spilling all over the floor.</p><p>They both collapse into a fit of giggles, and for a brief moment, the world doesn’t feel broken anymore.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Tenten wakes up the next day with a brutal headache. She and Sasuke had spent all of yesterday drinking. Before he crawled into bed beside her, he had called Naruto to tell Neji that he was feeling sick. Naruto demanded to know where the hell Sasuke was and why he was drunk, but Sasuke shrugged and hung up the phone. Naruto sent an angry text, but said he would cover for him. Tenten had sent Lee a text saying the same thing, and he told her not to worry. She needed to focus on getting better, he would cover her duties at the academy.</p><p>She told Sasuke to use Sai’s toothbrush. He frowned and said that he didn’t know either of them like that, so he just put toothpaste on his finger and rubbed it in, and then flossed. Tenten had shrugged and gotten into bed. Sasuke made his phone call, and then followed her.</p><p>It is noon. Sasuke kicks out in his sleep, and he woke her up twice. She rolls over, and looks at him. He lies there, awake, with an unimpressed expression on his face.</p><p>“You snore.” He says, “I have no idea why Sai likes you so much.” Tenten rolls her eyes.</p><p>“Everyone snores,” she replies, “and you kick in your sleep.”</p><p>“You snore <em>bad</em>.” Sasuke replies, sitting up.</p><p>“Wouldn’t you know from missions?” she asks. He shrugs.</p><p>“I think Neji and I always assumed it was the other or Sai,” he grins, evilly, “but now I know that it was you, the whole time.” Tenten puffs her cheeks.</p><p>“You are a brute and I have no idea how Hinata fell in love with you.” Tenten rolls onto her back, crossing her arms.</p><p>“She has a thing for lost causes.” He says, “besides, you can’t tell me that Sai wasn’t trying to <em>My Fair Lady</em> you this whole time.” Sasuke rubs his head in his hands. He feels like shit. He is hungover and thanks to Tenten, he got no sleep. But he hasn’t felt this human in a month, and he knows it’s because he actually talked to someone else about his feelings.</p><p>“Sai loves me for who I am,” Tenten rolls onto her stomach, stretching out her whole body. “He doesn’t want me to change.” Actually, he probably wants her to change her mind. That’s what she was forgetting. She and Sai are no longer a couple.</p><p>“Happy to know that I’m not the only one who lost the only person who will ever accept my glaring shortcomings.” He rubs his eyes, before looking around for his shirt.</p><p>“Fuck you, I’m perfect.” Tenten declares. Sasuke turns to look at her. The big shirt she wore to bed has ridden up, and he can see her tiny pink panties.</p><p>“I never would have taken you for a pink girl.” He smirks. Tenten looks back and yelps, rolling right off the side of the bed in the process. Sasuke laughs out loud.</p><p>“Still perfect?” he asks. Tenten sits up and scowls.</p><p>“I’m a ten out of ten,” she snarls. Sasuke looks at her with her hair down. She looks younger. He reaches over and straightens her bangs. She huffs and he laughs.</p><p>“Your flaws are all glaring,” he smirks, “there is so much I would change.”</p><p>“Go to hell,” she says, swatting his hand away and standing up. The shirt falls to her knees, like she is a little kid wearing her dad’s shirt. It’s hard to take her demand to go to hell seriously when she reminds him of a tall five-year-old. Sasuke shrugs.</p><p>“I’m pretty sure we are already in hell.” Tenten sighs.</p><p>“Want to go get breakfast?” she asks. He shrugs again.</p><p>
  <em>Sure. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So an act of god happened and my computer was drowned; luckily I sent Roses to a friend on Discord so it is all saved. I am taking it as a sign to post this baby NOW; there will probably be more than a few errors but it will be DONE and I promise I will go over typos when I am able to; thank you so much for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. An Aftershock</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A frustrated therapist, a shitty one-night stand and an empty feeling.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“I hate you for what you did/ and I miss you like a little kid”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Phoebe Bridgers, Motion Sickness</em>
</p><p> </p><p>After his breakdown in her kitchen, Sakura insisted that Sai stay with her and her parents for the week. Her mom checks his forehead with her wrist and her father saves the comics from the newspaper just for him. Sai felt ready to go back home after one night, but Sakura and her family insisted that he stay a full week. <em>I refuse to let you be alone right now</em>. Sai insists that his meltdown was a one-off, that he isn’t in any danger, that he needs alone time. But Sakura had wiped tears and snot from his face and the inside of her elbow as if she were his mother, so she refused him.</p><p>It was comforting for her to sleep in bed next to him, with Naruto on the floor that first, awful night. They had no clue where Sasuke ended up, but Sai preferred his absence. It felt like Naruto and Sakura were just his again, a selfish thought that he indulged in a moment of self-pity.</p><p>He knows that she has sent Sasuke and Naruto to his apartment to clear it of all traces of Tenten. It makes him feel a little uncomfortable to be this babied, but Sasuke told him it would be easier for all of them if Sai went with it for a week.</p><p>Sai pulls his shirt over his head and looks around the guest room. Sakura forced Kakashi and Yamato to attend breakfast this morning. He is sure that they have already been informed of his situation, and he does not look forward to speaking with them about it. Sakura has spent the past week trying to get them all to talk about their feelings. None of them really know what to say, because none of them trust her when she insists that there is no right answer.</p><p>He walks down the stairs and into the living room, where Yamato and Kakashi are sipping coffee and politely listening to Naruto talk all about how he and Sasuke are going to spend their day together. Sasuke sits there, impassive. Sakura is in the kitchen, humming.</p><p>“Sai,” Kakashi says, “how are you?” Sai shrugs. Kakashi isn’t in his robe or the office, so he insists that the team treat him normally, i.e. not like the leader of the village. Yamato gives Sai a careful look, like he is evaluating him.</p><p>“You look like yourself.” Yamato says. Sai snorts—who said “although of course you end up becoming yourself?” Wait—it’s the title of a book about an author Sai likes. He can’t recall the name, but the title sticks with him.</p><p>“I can’t be anyone but myself,” Sai replies. Everyone looks at him. Naruto does so with pity, but the other three look at him with a respectful empathy. Naruto is the only one who hasn’t seen his entire life go down the drain, right before his eyes.</p><p>Sai walks over to the couch, and sits beside Sasuke. “How are you feeling, Sai?” Naruto asks. “Better?” his voice cracks with hope. Sai looks down at his hands. He feels horrible. Like he isn’t a whole person, in the worst way possible. He shrinks down into his seat, and he desperately wishes Sakura was here to talk for him.</p><p>He swallows, thinking of an answer. “I’m getting there.” Kakashi nods.</p><p>“I had a friend who went through a really bad break up,” he says.</p><p>“What happened?” Naruto asks. Knowing how Kakashi’s life tends to go, Sai and Sasuke figured that it didn’t end well and they, personally, had no interest in hearing about how it went. Kakashi tilts his head, thinking.</p><p>“He moved on, eventually,” Kakashi pauses, “I guess.”</p><p>“You <em>guess</em>?” Sasuke asks. He sounds irritated. “Is that supposed to make Sai feel better?” Kakashi swirls his coffee in his mug.</p><p>“And you.” Kakashi replies dryly. “I don’t want either of you to lose hope.” Sasuke scowls and leans back into the couch.</p><p>“I don’t know what you are talking about.” Sasuke crosses his arms to complete his posturing. Sai deflates, wishing that the couch would swallow him.</p><p>“Thank you for trying to make me feel better,” he says softly, “I appreciate it.” They all look at him, and then do the small kindness of allowing him to pretend that he doesn’t exist until Sakura comes out with breakfast.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Sasuke wonders how much money the village has spent on his therapy. It is probably a considerable sum. He weighs it against how much money his Anbu missions are worth. They are salaried, rather than being paid by the mission, but not for the first time, he contemplates the economic impact of his work. Do they bring in money, or is a matter of them preserving the current material conditions of Konoha? Sasuke considers this while Rin waits for him to speak. Various numbers and revenue streams are dancing around his head when she finally clears her throat.</p><p>“Yes?” he asks. Rin blinks at him.</p><p>“You seem pensive.” She replies.</p><p>“As opposed to….”</p><p>“Vacant.” She shrugs.</p><p>“I never look vacant,” he replies. Rin smirks.</p><p>“You sometimes look empty behind the eyes,” she drawls. “On your bad days.” Sasuke snorts.</p><p>“Everything feels bad.” He says, “Hinata broke up with me.” Rin’s mouth quirks downward. It looks like a twitch.</p><p>“I’m sorry to hear that.” She says. “You really love her.”</p><p>“I really, really do.” Sasuke slumps back in his seat. He has been trying to not think about it. Rin writes this down on her notepad.</p><p>“How do you feel about it?” she asks. Sasuke shrugs.</p><p>“What is there to feel?” he drawls. “I’m still the same miserable person.” He pauses. “I was supposed to change. I thought that the relationship would change me, make me better, but I’m still the same shitty person.”</p><p>“You’re not a bad person because a relationship didn’t work out.” Rin replies. Sasuke frowns.</p><p>“Hinata is the best person I know,” he says quietly, “she loved me, and I blew it.” Rin sighs.</p><p>“Do you want to tell me what happened?” she asks, “I would rather be constructive.” Sasuke glowers.</p><p>“She told me that she couldn’t be with me any longer if I wasn’t willing to go public with her,” he rubs his head, “and I stupidly said no.” Rin presses her lips together.</p><p>“Have you spoken to her since?” she asks.</p><p>“Well, when someone breaks up with you it’s generally polite to leave them alone.” He deadpans.</p><p>“If you would like a second chance, you have to ask.”</p><p>“I don’t deserve another chance.” Sasuke replies.</p><p>“That isn’t a constructive way to speak about yourself.” Rin says, “and if she was in love with you, and compromised so greatly, I am sure that she would reconsider if you were willing to give her what she wanted.” Rin says, “which is what? Being in a public relationship with her?” Sasuke puffs his cheeks.</p><p>“It’s not that easy.”</p><p>“Actually, it is.” Rin looks at her note pad, “going back to Hinata and telling her that you want to go public with her is actually the easiest of all your problems to solve.”</p><p>“But that means I have to change.”</p><p>“Sasuke, life is all about changing,” Rin says, “I thought you wanted to change.” Sasuke pouts.</p><p>“But what if I can’t change? What if I am always going to be this way?” he asks. Rin tilts her head, sympathetic.</p><p>“We can all change.”</p><p>“You think I can?” he asks, trying not to sound hopeful. Rin smiles.</p><p>“I wouldn’t have this job if I didn’t think that people were capable of change.” She says with such sincerity, that Sasuke actually believes her.</p><p>“So, how do I change?” he asks. She blinks.</p><p>“Well, how do you want to change?” Rin asks. Sasuke scoffs, throwing his hands up in the air.</p><p>“Isn’t it your job to tell me how to change?” he asks. Rin sighs.</p><p>“I can’t live your life for you. Only you can choose how you’d like to change and whether or not you are capable.” Rin replies, “I don’t have a dog in this fight.”</p><p>“Aren’t you supposed to be on my side?” he asks. Rin makes a few notes on her pad, not looking at him.</p><p>“If I had such a stake in your personal life, I wouldn’t really be on your side. My advice is to call Hinata and tell her that you want to try again. That would be the constructive thing to do, however, given your history, I think we have a few more months before you are ready to have that conversation.” Rin says. Sasuke exhales and leans back against the chair.</p><p>“You’re not wrong.”</p><p>“As if to say that I am right.” Sasuke makes the shape of a gun with his pointer finger and pulls the trigger at Rin. She glares at him, calling him <em>juvenile</em>. Sasuke shrugs. <em>I thought you were supposed to be a disengaged bystander</em>. Rin replies that she is invested in the well-being of the village. Sasuke shrugs. <em>I don’t really care</em>.</p><p><em>You never admit it until it is too late, Sasuke</em>. He frowns, and stomps out of her office.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>It is 4 AM. The clock mocks Hinata with its bright red numbers. She rolls over, trying to find a comfortable position. She picked someone up at the bar tonight. He was tall, handsome enough. But he didn’t have the right chin or back or shoulders, and when she said <em>treat me like an animal</em>, he had laughed and called her <em>precious</em>. She had nearly gagged.</p><p>Sasuke would have taken her seriously. He would have flipped her over and done exactly what she asked. She would scream and he would bite her right where her neck meets her shoulder. She closed her eyes and thought of Sasuke showing her what it feels like to be an animal, and she managed to come hard enough to make up for her partner’s deficiencies. She kicked him out anyway. She has work in the morning, and she has to shower.</p><p>In the shower, she thinks about how she probably didn’t actually want to have sex with that man. She simply wanted to prove that Sasuke didn’t have a hold on her. She thought she would be fine. All she needed was to be with someone else. In the process, she only saw how wrong she was. She ends up screaming into the emptiness of her shower, hoping her neighbours think she is having sex rather than an ongoing crisis.</p><p>She got out of the shower and pulled the brick red sweater over her head and tried to recall the smell of Sasuke’s sweat. She would know it anywhere, but she is finding it harder and harder to recall it from memory. It is enough to make her think about calling him over, just to talk, so she can hug him and stick her face in his armpit like she used to. He always asked her why, even when he knew the answer. He just liked hearing how badly her body craves his.</p><p>It is 4:15 AM. She blinks up at her ceiling. Her body will always want his. She has accepted this truth. She often wonders if maybe, she doesn’t want acceptable treatment. Hinata never asks for it slow, or gentle; she always wanted Sasuke to give it all to her. He was always careful when it came to her, but he never gave her the one thing she wanted, in the end. The security that comes from knowing that everyone else knows that someone is your partner. That you are both taken, claimed by the other. She thinks of her father, who is cold to this day. How could she know what love is, what acceptable treatment looks like, when she never experienced it in childhood?</p><p>She thinks people can change. She hopes Sasuke can, for his own sake. Hinata runs her hand down her stomach, hoping an orgasm will push her into sleep. She closes her eyes, and thinks about what sex with Sasuke was like, their endless game of trying to prove who desired the other more. It was never the most, because that implies that there could be a limit to desire. They both know that their desire for the other is limitless, bottomless. They could live every life time together and Hinata still thinks that they would never truly express the full extent of their hunger for each other.</p><p>She flips onto her stomach, her forehead on her forearm. Hinata thinks about Sasuke treating her like an animal. His chest on her back, his mouth her ear, the <em>slap slap slap</em> that always disgusted her before she knew him. She screams as she thinks about the noise he would make when it was finally over, how she would feel it begin to vibrate in his chest before it tore from his throat. She tells herself, selfishly, that they could only find satisfaction in each other. If she is condemned to think of him every time she has sex with someone else, he must be too. With a bitter mixture of horror and joy, this is the thought that pushes her over the edge. The idea that they will only ever come that hard with each other.</p><p>It is 4:35 AM. Hinata rolls onto her back, spent. She feels gross and selfish, but at the same time, satisfied. Even having sex with the memory of his shadow is enough. She doesn’t remember falling asleep, but she is relieved to wake up knowing that it was dreamless.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>For someone who insists that they are independent, Tenten has really grown to need people. She still sleeps at her place, but at least three times a week she will stay on Sasuke’s couch. It’s very comfortable, since he bought it as a place to do his crosswords. Her staying there is a win-win for both of them. Neither of them has to be alone, nor do they have to spend time with people who would want to ask them about how they are coping. Tenten doesn’t have to be alone with her doubts and Sasuke has a mess to clean up after.</p><p>It’s early in the morning, and she woke up to him cursing the coffee maker. She sits up on her elbows, her eyelids still a little droopy. He hasn’t turned the kitchen light on, which is a part of the problem. He’s thoughtful, in his own way, so he was clearly hoping to not wake her up. <em>Oh well</em>, she thinks. She stands up, and walks over to the kitchen and turns the light on. Sasuke doesn’t jump, but he does freeze before he swivels his head around.</p><p>He glares at her. Tenten crosses her arms and leans on the doorframe. She smiles at his grumpy expression.</p><p>“The Last Uchiha,” she says, “outsmarted by a coffee maker.” Sasuke frowns.</p><p>“Whatever,” he says, “I was too distracted by this.” Sasuke holds up the plastic container where he keeps the butter.</p><p>“Butter?” she asks. Sasuke rolls his eyes.</p><p>“Where does it live?” he asks, irritated. Tenten shrugs.</p><p>“I don’t know. It’s butter.” She shrugs, “you can leave it out.” Sasuke makes the same face he makes when Shikamaru or Neji say something particularly bossy.</p><p>“No,” he says, “it doesn’t live out here. It lives in the fridge.” He drops the container on the counter, clearly in a mood. “I can’t believe Sai let you live like this!”</p><p>“Is this living?” Tenten sighs, walking up to the sink. She reaches over and takes the coffee pot, filling it with water. Sasuke, in a mood, stomps around the apartment. Tenten wonders if he was like this with Hinata. She can’t imagine their relationship would have lasted for as long and had run as deep as it did if he acted like this.</p><p>In a fit of pique, Sasuke throws himself onto the couch, over her duvet. “Why are you so insistent on keeping butter in the fridge?” Tenten calls over her shoulder as she pours the water into the maker. Sasuke already got the coffee out, so all she had to do was open the lid and scoop the grounds into maker.</p><p>“Hinata hates how butter left on the counter looks the way some people hate how mayonnaise looks in the jar, even though she eats it.” Sasuke rolls onto his back. He sounds profoundly sad. Hinata never spent much time here, but he still consciously shapes his life around her. Tenten gives him a soft look. Finishing with the coffee, she puts the lid back on and walks out to the living room.</p><p>She walks over to the couch, and moves Sasuke’s calves so she can sit on the couch seat, her legs bent over his own. He grunts as she sits down.</p><p>“Sai is the kind of boyfriend who forces you to go to the dentist.” She says in a quiet voice. Sasuke makes a face.</p><p>“Are you ever going to go home?” he asks. Tenten rolls her eyes.</p><p>“Maybe I will, after you pissed all over my attempt to bond over our mutual pain,” she says. “Do you want me to go?”</p><p>“That’s not what I said,” he replies.</p><p>“That was your implication,” she rebuts. He frowns.</p><p>“I don’t like being alone either.” He says, “do you think I’m too damaged to be different?”</p><p>“Aren’t we all?” Tenten sighs. Sasuke looks uncertain.</p><p>“My therapist said all I can do is live my life differently, now that Hinata is gone.” He says, “I’ve been trying to figure out what that would mean.”</p><p>“That sounds like shitty advice,” Tenten says. She has never considered living her life differently. She always sticks to her vision.</p><p>Sasuke shrugs in response to her comment. “I’ve been seeing her for years, I’m not surprised that she is giving me that kind of advice.” He tilts his head, “I always knew that it was on me to fix myself, I just never realized how much I needed to change while I was with Hinata.”</p><p>“That’s because she loves you.” Tenten puts her hands on her tummy, giving Sasuke a knowing look. “When someone loves you, properly, they don’t make you feel like you need to be fixed or change for them to love you.” Tenten smiles. Sasuke frowns.</p><p>“She broke up with me.” He says softly.</p><p>“Because you weren’t going to give her something she needed to be in a relationship. Rather than change you, or make you into something you’re not, or become resentful, she left.” Tenten sighs. “She should have told me that was on the table.” Sasuke replies, “I deserved to know that she would leave me.”</p><p>“Would that have changed anything?” Tenten asks, “if she told you how she honestly felt, and put it all on the table, would you have changed?” she asks this for herself. She wakes up every day regretting that she told Sai to leave and never come back. Tenten thought she was protecting them both, but she thinks that she was simply trying to make things easy for her by acting as if they weren’t on the same team, or two pieces of the same whole.</p><p>Sasuke senses this, and he sits up on his elbows. He furrows his brow before he speaks, a sign that he is thinking. “If I were given the choice in those terms, I would choose her, because we are on the same team.” His gaze softens, “I didn’t act like it, and I regret that, because at the end of the day we were on the same side.” Tenten puts her head into her hands to rub her face, and Sasuke blinks, looking away.</p><p>They need to laugh. If they don’t, they might die. “When you started staying here, I thought I would get to complain about you eating all the food,” he says. Tenten laughs. “You don’t eat as much as I thought you did.” She shrugs.</p><p>“I don’t feel like eating,” she replies, “and I don’t want to listen to you complain.”</p><p>“But I buy you food so that I can complain about you eating it. Now I just have all this stuff in my fridge that goes uneaten.” He says. Tenten rolls her eyes.</p><p>“Then complain about the food I waste.” She drawls.</p><p>“Wasting food is just gross,” he snorts, “just give me a list of things you do eat, so I can complain about you eating.” Tenten sighs.</p><p>“I’ll have a list for you when you get home.” She replies. Sasuke smiles.</p><p>“We aren’t leaving Konoha tonight,” he says, “we could watch a movie.”</p><p>“Do you want to sit and complain through that too?” she replies. He pulls his legs out from under her, and she squeaks as she falls out of balance.</p><p>“Maybe,” he smirks. He stands up and walks over to the coffee maker as she throws herself down onto the couch.</p><p>When he leaves for work an hour later, Tenten tucks herself back in on the couch and sleeps until noon, because it is her day off.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Hinata is perched on her stool in Yamanaka Flowers, sipping a coffee and glaring off into space. She deeply regrets her one-night stand. It just made her feel more alone. All she learned is that she still only wants to have sex with Sasuke, and frankly, she didn’t need a mediocre one-night stand to know.</p><p>She has been thinking about the precise details of how Sasuke would treat her like an animal.</p><p>Ino studies at Hinata, who is too busy trying to bore a hole into the wall with a look alone to really notice. Hinata is a very pretty girl. She spent their childhood and adolescence hiding under baggie clothes and poor posture, so no one ever noticed. Then she turned eighteen and suddenly, she started dressing like a woman. Even with a mesh bra and bare stomach, it still took Naruto six months to notice what all the other boys in their class did. Little Hinata had grown up.</p><p>Hinata and Naruto dated for a few years, before amicably breaking up. They had learned a lot from each other, but they had gotten as far as they could. Ino had seen Hinata after the break up; she had cried, but only for the first two days. Another two weeks, and she was over it. It has been a few weeks since whatever between her and Sasuke had ended, and she still hasn’t mentioned it to Ino. She is stoic, but Ino has never known Hinata to be too proud to cry.</p><p>Something is wrong. Ino can just tell, the way friends do. “Hinata,” she says, “you know you can tell me what is bothering you, right?” Hinata doesn’t look at Ino as she sucks in the side of her cheek.</p><p>“I have a migraine that won’t go away.” Hinata says. It’s not untrue. It simply isn’t the whole truth. Ino blinks, and puts a hand on Hinata’s arm.</p><p>“Are you sure nothing happened with Sasuke?” Ino asks in her gentlest voice. She only uses it with Chouji or Sakura. She never loved Sai or Neji enough to bother, and she has decided to reserve it for when Shikamaru absolutely hits rock bottom. It sounds like the beat of butterfly wings on a hot summer’s day.</p><p>Hinata turns to look at Ino, and for a second, the mask drops. Hinata doesn’t have a mom to talk about these things with, and she would feel silly talking about this kind of heartbreak after her childish fixation on Naruto. She places her coffee on the counter, and tries to keep her face from crumpling.</p><p>“We didn’t want the same things,” she says in a whisper. Hinata looks broken. <em>Sasuke is insane to let her go</em>, Ino thinks, <em>he will never find someone better</em>. She makes a mental note to tell Shikamaru to ruin Sasuke’s life. It’s too bad that Sai will be dragged into it, but Tenten told Ino about her fight with Neji at lunch, so Ino is out for blood. He and Tenten aren’t together anymore, so he doesn’t have to be protected. <em>Sai will understand</em>.</p><p>“It happens that way.” Ino says.</p><p>“We were together for a year,” Hinata says quietly, “he didn’t want other people to know.”</p><p>“He didn’t want people to know?” Ino makes a face. Hinata nods.</p><p>“It’s because everyone is always in his business. I think he wanted to have something just for himself.” Hinata dips her finger in her coffee, just to see it ripple. “So, I told him I couldn’t accommodate him anymore, and I ended it.” Ino nods.</p><p>“You are better than I,” she says, “Shikamaru could keep me a secret forever, if he told me he wanted to feel me inside of him.” Hinata laughs, which makes Ino smile. They both know Shikamaru is too well-adjusted to have a secret relationship. He would never see the point.</p><p>“It felt dishonest.” She sighs, “but I went and had sex with someone else last night, and I can safely say that it is more dishonest to come while thinking about someone else. Bonus points if you are still in love with that person.”</p><p>“Woof,” Ino replies. Hinata nods.</p><p>“The sex was so disappointing.”</p><p>“You can’t hit it out of the park every time,” Ino shrugs, “maybe you should give this guy another chance.”</p><p>“I will not,” Hinata replies, “I can tell we aren’t compatible.” Ino smirks.</p><p>“Do tell, Hinata.” Ino has learned more about sexuality from Hinata than any other friend. She has never known someone so…<em>hungry</em>.</p><p>Hinata shakes her hair down over her back, like inky black waves. “Do you ever want to be treated like a thing? Like an animal?” Ino blinks. Hinata is totally serious; she can tell by the shape of her mouth.</p><p>“You’re upset that your one-night stand treated you like a person?” Ino asks. Hinata rolls her eyes.</p><p>“That is such a Shikamaru thing to say.” Hinata retorts.</p><p>“Well, I mean, Hinata…” Ino trails off, tilting her head.</p><p>“I can’t explain it. It’s like…I have felt electricity, the real kind. I already had epic romance, and it feels like nothing will ever compare.” Hinata blinks. “Go home tonight, and tell Shikamaru that you want him to treat you like an animal. I guarantee that he will be able to show you what I mean.” Hinata frowns, and turns to look into space. “I miss having sex where I could say “fuck me like an animal” and the other person would just get it.” She crosses her arms, and glares at the door.</p><p>Ino sighs. She is glad that Hinata is at least able to talk about Sasuke, but she thinks that Hinata should probably talk about her feelings instead of the sex she wishes she were having. The revelation is just a little much. Nonetheless, Ino promises that she will ask Shikamaru tonight, just for Hinata.</p><p>Ino eats her words the next day, as she walks into work with a coffee for Hinata and a sheepish look on her face. She is unusually quiet. Hinata nods, and when Ino leaves to use the bathroom, Ibiki asks <em>what’s wrong with her?</em> Hinata smiles and replies <em>she thought my advice was dumb, and now she knows I was right.</em></p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Neji and Sai have never had anything to say to each other. Sasuke and Tenten were always the talkers. Tenten is gone and Sasuke is late, so it is just the two of them waiting in the lounge. Sai has been subdued recently. He doesn’t doodle or smile anymore. He simply sits and looks out into the middle distance. He isn’t as vacant as Sasuke was that week he took Klonopin, but he is noticeably withdrawn.</p><p>Neji doesn’t think that he is such a bad guy, but he knows that Tenten’s suspension has done a number on Sai. He feels guilty for separating them, he really does. He isn’t jealous of Sai, so much as resentful of the person Tenten has become thanks to him.</p><p>In all their years of working together, Neji has never shown much interest in Sai or Sasuke’s inner worlds. They were all just different versions of the same person: a guy who overthinks every little thing to the point where he just gets stuck in his own head, hurting everyone around him because he can’t get out of his own head. That Sasuke and Sai thought they could escape this fate without getting out of their heads was laughable. Neji crosses his arms and tilts his head, watching Sai’s defeated expression. <em>You can’t be anyone other than who you are</em>. It’s fate.</p><p>Sai stands with his hands at his side, holding his mask. His shoulders slump, and he doesn’t look Neji in the eye. Sai has nothing to say to Neji. He misses Tenten, and every time he looks at Neji he feels complete anger. He hasn’t forgotten the night Tenten came into his kitchen crying. He hadn’t pressed her for answers, but he has a feeling that she had spoken to Neji. Sai may act deferential, but that is because if he acted any other way, he would send Neji flying until all his bad feelings went away. So he takes the posture of submission, to keep his temper in check.</p><p>Neji is the kind of person who believes that fate can never be changed. Sai frowns, keeping his eyes lowered. Despite everything, he is convinced that he and Tenten are soulmates, that it is their fate to be together. He knows that Neji always believed that he, Sasuke and Sai were always doomed to be alone. But he disagrees. Sai is not meant to be alone. Tenten made him realize that there is something different for him.</p><p>Or was. Sai looks at his feet. He sighs, crossing his arms. Neji is a total pill without Tenten to keep him in check. Shikamaru isn’t the only one who is angry that Neji went ahead and suspended Tenten for doing her job. Kakashi refuses to assign them a stand-in. He actually said that if Neji wants to act this way, then he can have a three-man squad. <em>Put yourself and your teammates in danger because the one person you can work with did something you didn’t like</em>. <em>I truly do not care</em>. Kakashi had waved them out of his office, and Shikamaru had smirked.</p><p>Sai is surprised and relieved that Tenten has not come back to work. It makes him feel good to know that she needs time apart from him. That he still has some power over her. But he figures that he ought to make it easier for her to come back.</p><p>Sai clears his throat, and Neji looks at him. “Tenten and I aren’t together anymore,” Sai says quietly.</p><p>“Oh,” Neji replies. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Sai shrugs. Neji frowns, concerned. He opens his mouth to say something else, when Sasuke finally joins them for work.</p><p>They leap away together, and Neji doesn’t look at Sai for the rest of the day.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Tenten sits on the curb, Kiba beside her. They went on a walk today, and he listened to her talk about her conversation with Neji, how she broke up with Sai. Kiba tries to make her feel better, making jokes about Sai being soulless. But they make Tenten angry, because it wasn’t his fault at all. Breaking his heart is the worst thing she ever did, and she has murdered countless people in the line of duty.</p><p>“Kiba, please stop joking about Sai.” She says quietly, “It’s not his fault.”</p><p>“Then whose fault is it?” he asks, leaning back on his hands.</p><p>“Mine. That’s why I want to throw up all the time.” Tenten traces a circle on the curb. He watches her, frowning.</p><p>Putting his frown away and tired of looking at the dead expression on her face, Kiba smirks and looks up at her.</p><p>“If it will make you feel better, I will let you make out with me.” He says. Tenten laughs, and he smiles.</p><p>“No thanks,” she says, “I won’t be kissing anyone for a while.” Kiba snorts.</p><p>“You won’t even call me dog breath?” he asks, “commit to rejection!” Tenten snorts.</p><p>“Anyone could call you dog breath,” she replies, “besides, I don’t want to hurt your self-esteem.” Kiba laughs and leans back, kicking out his legs.</p><p>Tenten leans back too, and Kiba turns to her.</p><p>“But are you okay?” he asks, worried. She blinks back a frown.</p><p>“Eventually,” she says, “I will be.”</p><p>Kiba nods and stands up. He puts his hand out, and helps her onto her feet. He takes her for ramen, and they sit there until she has her fill, which isn’t as much as he would like but is more than she can comfortably stomach.</p><p>When she gets home, Tenten lies on her side and thinks about how much better she will feel when she wakes up feeling empty.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Ino makes Hinata spend lunch with her and Shikamaru. It’s awkward and she would really rather be alone and sad, but Ino won’t let her. So Hinata sits on a bench beside Shikamaru while Ino stands in front of them, talking about her plans for her mother’s garden.</p><p>“Does your mother know you want to change her garden?” Shikamaru asks, sipping Ino’s iced coffee.</p><p>“Ino, it’s her one creative outlet. I think you should let her do what she wants with it.” Hinata says in a soft voice.</p><p>“She hasn’t changed it since dad!” Ino says, “they used to change it every year. He wouldn’t want her to live like this.”</p><p>“But she’s an adult, and if this is how she wants to live, you have to let her.” Shikamaru says. Ino frowns, and opens her mouth, when a familiar porcelain mask appears over her shoulder.</p><p>Sasuke looms behind Ino, and she jumps. “What’s wrong with you Snake!?” she shrieks at him. Hinata can tell that he is blinking at Ino. It hurts, how she still knows how his face reacts. It stabs her in the heart. She wants to jump on him and cry into his neck, but that wouldn’t be appropriate. So she looks at him while he avoids her gaze. Ino and Shikamaru watch this unfold.</p><p>“Well, do you have an answer?” Ino asks Sasuke. He shrugs.</p><p>“I have a file for Shikamaru.” He says in a flat voice. Shikamaru sighs.</p><p>“Is it important?” he asks. Sasuke wants to snap that of course it is, he wouldn’t approach Hinata if he didn’t have to. He knows she is looking at him. It hurts him all over.</p><p>“It’s from the Hokage.” He says. Shikamaru groans.</p><p>“Will I ever know peace in this life?” he groans. Sasuke deeply relates to his statement. He gives Shikamaru the file. While it hurts to be close to Hinata, he finds himself wanting to stretch this moment so that it will last longer. He is still in love with her; he will always want to be with her. Hinata is too busy looking at Sasuke to notice the man approaching them before it is too late.</p><p>He clears his throat, and all four of them swivel their heads to look at him. He is tall, his dark hair in a ponytail. Hinata looks up, and bites her lip. Her eyes go wide and she smiles nervously. She didn’t even bother remembering his name, let along the fact that he is a ninja from Kiri, here on a diplomatic mission.</p><p>When she kicked him out of her apartment, Hinata believed that he knew that she never wanted to see him again. That it was mutual. However, it would appear that they had two very different understandings of their relationship.</p><p>He smiles at Hinata, and Shikamaru figures it out first. He smirks, and looks at Ino and Sasuke, to see who figures it out next. The man waves at them, but he only looks at Hinata. To Shikamaru’s amusement, Sasuke and Ino realize this at the same time.</p><p>“Hinata,” he says. Hinata grimaces.</p><p>“Hi,” she says softly, trying to keep her face as neutral as possible. He checks her out, and Shikamaru watches Sasuke stiffen.</p><p>“Hi no name,” Shikamaru says. The man laughs.</p><p>“You’re funny,” he smiles. Shikamaru smirks.</p><p>“Guilty as charged.” He drawls.</p><p>“I didn’t think I would see you around,” he says, smiling. Ino smirks, looking at Shikamaru.</p><p>“The world is full of surprises,” Hinata replies. He appears oblivious to Hinata’s obvious disinterest. It doesn’t escape anyone’s notice that she doesn’t use his name.</p><p>“Do you want to come get coffee with me?” he asks. Hinata wants to say <em>no</em>, because she would rather stay in Sasuke’s shadow. But to her horror, she hears herself agree, and watches herself get up to follow him.</p><p>She flashes Sasuke an apologetic look, and Ino and Shikamaru look at Sasuke’s fist as he digs his nails into his palms as they head off.</p><p>“He’s cute, don’t you think?” Ino looks at Sasuke.</p><p>“You’re a poison, Ino,” he growls, before disappearing in a swirl of leaves. Shikamaru looks at the file in his hand.</p><p>“That was kind of rude,” Shikamaru says. Ino shrugs.</p><p>“He has nothing to worry about,” she says, “Hinata didn’t like that guy very much.”</p><p>“She went to get coffee with him,” Shikamaru points out. Ino waves her hand.</p><p>“That means nothing.” Ino says with an evil glint in her eyes, “he can’t fuck her like an animal.”</p><p>Shikamaru opens and closes his mouth, like a fish. Ino has never seen him make that kind of expression before. “Them?” he finally gasps. Ino nods.</p><p>“Hinata and Sasuke,” she says, “ballads could be written about them.”</p><p>“Gross,” Shikamaru rolls his eyes, standing up. “I’ll walk you back to T&amp;I.” He hands the iced coffee back to Ino, who sips it while he begins to read the file.</p><p>He groans when he realizes how much work this will involve, and Ino warns him that he will prematurely wrinkle if he continues to carry all his stress in his forehead. <em>Do you want to look like an old man?</em></p><p><em>At least my looks will match how I feel</em>. Ino scolds him, but Shikamaru tunes her out like he does with all her tirades. It’s actually meditative. Shikamaru might ask Neji about it sometime, when Ino isn’t around to berate him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Referenced works:</p><p>Neji thinks he, Sai and Sasuke are Hamlet</p><p>Sai is thinking of “Although of Course You End Up Becoming Yourself” David Lipsky</p><p>I promise, I will come back and fix the typos. Stay safe out there!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. A Rift</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Heat, the neck of a deer and a red slushie.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em>“Hey maybe that’s just life sometimes”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Haim “The Steps”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sitting across from Tenten at his kitchen table, watching her eat and read an intelligence report, Sasuke chews on the pork he made for dinner. They have become so used to each other that she no longer jumps when he drums his fingers against the table, and he isn’t offended when she ignores him.</p><p>Tenten is really pretty. Sasuke can admit it. Not in an unconventional way like Sakura, or Prettiest Girl of All Time like Ino. She doesn’t have anything close to Hinata’s ghoulish beauty, which will most likely haunt him for the rest of his natural life. Tenten is a wholesome kind of pretty. Sai said that she was like a doe, and Sasuke has to agree. Her skin is fawn, a golden tan that lasts even in cooler months. He once read a poem with a line that described a deer with a “suede neck,” which reminds Sasuke of the column of her throat. Her doe suede neck. Her eyes are large and expressive, and she is muscled and lean.</p><p>She is heat. That’s the best way Sasuke can describe it. Her beauty is incredibly warm, and it isn’t stunning or striking but nourishing; something to bask in. In their short time living together, Sasuke can see that people are always approaching her, as if they want to linger in her shadow. It doesn’t surprise him that both Neji and Sai slept with her. Tenten is everything they are not: sunny, warm and approachable.</p><p>Sasuke would throw caring in there, but that isn’t right. It isn’t that Neji and Sai aren’t caring, as much as it is that they don’t appear to be particularly kind. No one would look at those two and think kind-hearted. They are pretty, sure. But kind? Sasuke will believe it when he sees it.</p><p>Fine, Sai is actually a nice guy and Neji cares about the people around him. But the original point stands: Tenten has the kind of beauty that heats you up. She is definitely Sai and Neji’s type. If he has learned anything, Ino was the exception rather than the rule in their psycho-sexual repetitions. Sasuke swallows his pork, and puts another piece in his mouth.</p><p>Maybe Sasuke would have slept with her too, if he had never been with Hinata and Tenten had never known Sai. Sasuke doesn’t like to think that there could be a world where he never knew Hinata, and he knows Tenten feels the same about Sai. If they, god forbid, were to try and have sex now, they would come to the horrible mid-coital realization that this is most definitely not what they wanted.</p><p>He is staring off into space now, trying not to think of the look in Tenten’s eyes when they would both realize how deeply repulsive the sex would be. She would probably look like she was being murdered. It’s how he would feel, having sex with anyone but Hinata.</p><p>“What are you looking at?” Sasuke jumps, looking at Tenten, who is staring at him like he has lost his mind. Which he might have. He swallows the pork in his mouth.</p><p>“At how pretty you are,” he shrugs. It is the truth, and he would prefer to be the only one burdened with knowing how awful sex between them would be. She turns pink, and he rolls his eyes. She <em>is </em>very pretty. He doesn’t want to have to sit here and watch her struggle to accept a compliment.</p><p>“There is nothing more annoying than a pretty girl acting like she isn’t pretty,” he drawls, “I have better things to do than stating the obvious.” He looks back down at his food, pushing rice around his bowl.</p><p>“Wouldn’t it be weird if I thought I was pretty?” Tenten looks at him with genuine fear, and Sasuke cannot hide his irritation.</p><p>“Why would it be weird for you to have self-esteem?” Sasuke drops his chopsticks into his bowl. “Do you really not think you’re pretty?” Tenten shrugs in response.</p><p>“I never thought my looks were something people thought about, I guess,” she closes the file beside her plate. “I don’t think of myself as a pretty girl.” Sasuke swallows his food, and raises an eyebrow.</p><p>“Did Sai never tell you that you’re pretty?” Sasuke doesn’t know why he asks. Tenten pushes food around her bowl, not looking at him. She is thinking over his question.</p><p>“Sai never really said anything about how I look,” Tenten’s face turns red before she makes her admission, “but he always made me feel wanted, like I am beautiful, I guess.” She shrugs, not looking at Sasuke. He has crossed his arms, and he is frowning.</p><p>“Do you seriously need to tell girls that they are pretty?” Sasuke assumed that they all just knew. <em>Hinata knows she is the prettiest girl I have ever seen, right?</em> Tenten shrugs.</p><p>“Girls aren’t conditioned to think they are pretty. They are taught that they need to become pretty.” She pops some rice into her mouth, chewing while she thinks of the best way to explain this to Sasuke. “If you are confident that you have something, you don’t need others’ approval, you know?” Sasuke nods his head. He still doesn’t really get it, but on the other hand, he is a man living in a patriarchy. The world was structured so that he could move through it without having to think too hard, if at all.</p><p>Sasuke shrugs, and stands up, finished with his dinner. “Take it from someone who doesn’t want to sleep with you or keep you down,” he says, “Ten, you’re beautiful.” He takes his bowl and walks over to the kitchen.</p><p>“Is that your good deed of the day?” she calls. He turns around and glares.</p><p>“Stop making jokes at your expense and accept it. Or don’t. It’s boring trying to prop up your self-esteem.” He pulls out some Tupperware, and scrapes his leftovers into a container before sticking it in the fridge. He looks back towards the table, and he can see that she has returned to her reading. But there is a smile on her face, and it makes him feel good to know that he put it there.</p><p>Her smile falls when he opens the dishwasher to find that she has yet to retain his system. Instead, she laughs at him while he grumbles about her ingratitude.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Hinata does this thing where she acts like she isn’t as sad as she really is. She knows it is pathetic, and probably more than a little annoying to be around, but Hinata doesn’t like talking about her feelings. She still has a hard time believing that people actually want to know when something bad is happening to her. Early emotional neglect took away her ability to trust that the people closest to her genuinely care for her, even when she does things they don’t like.</p><p>She can tell that Ino is frustrated that she hasn’t said anything more about Sasuke. But Hinata doesn’t know how to say the following without sounding pathetic: that knowing what it is like to be without him, Hinata would prefer to be Sasuke’s secret rather than live without him. She has too much pride to say it, and it hurts just to admit it to herself, but she wants him back.</p><p>Hinata thinks this as Ino babbles about Shikamaru. She watches Ino’s mouth move. There is some hair stuck in her lip gloss. She isn’t really listening, but she can tell from Ino’s mouth that Shikamaru did something Ino liked. She swoons when he does the little, mundane things you have to do to be self-sufficient. He just took the trash out because it was garbage day, and knowing him, he probably got annoyed when Ino tried to jump him after.</p><p>This makes Hinata smile, since Shikamaru is always at his funniest when he is mildly inconvenienced. She can picture it now: Shikamaru frowning, trying to push Ino off of him so he could go brush his teeth or pee or whatever he does in the morning.</p><p>“I don’t get why he wouldn’t let me blow him!” Ino whines. “I just wanted to show him how much I appreciate him.” Hinata remembers what that kind of happiness felt like. It’s a dull ache.</p><p>“He was probably late for something.” Hinata sips her coffee while Ino tosses her ponytail over her shoulder. “I am sure he will take you up on your offer when he gets home tonight.”</p><p>“Did Sasuke ever do stuff like that?” Ino asks, “like, you would try to do something nice for him and he wouldn’t let you.” She has no interest in Sasuke, but she has a theory about Shikamaru’s behaviour. Hinata frowns, trying to think through the pain of hearing his name. </p><p>“Sasuke never turned down a blow job,” she replies, “we were always in sync that way.” She taps her chin. “He has a hard time with emotional vulnerability. But Shikamaru doesn’t have a problem with that kind of thing, does he?” Ino shrugs.</p><p>“In principle: no. But I think it is hard for him to conceptualize that he doesn’t have to do things for other people to love him.” Ino finally moves the strands of hair from her lip gloss. “Shikamaru’s expectations of himself keep him from enjoying the moment.” Hinata nods.</p><p>“Sasuke never had that problem,” she shrugs, “he achieved everything he wanted, strength-wise, by age twenty. Anbu is relatively easy, like he is just doing laps rather than doing anything better.” Ino smirks.</p><p>“Sasuke was a cuter kid,” she says. Hinata sighs.</p><p>“He’s handsome.” She says.</p><p>“That’s the first time you have ever admitted to being attracted to him, physically.” Ino drawls. Hinata shrugs.</p><p>“That’s why I had sex with him the first time,” she says, “I saw him, I wanted him, I had him. It wasn’t supposed to be more complicated than that.”</p><p>“It’s never supposed to be complicated.” Ino replies.</p><p>“I never thought he was my type, actually.” Hinata says, “I never had a crush on him, or anyone like him. I told him that, when he asked.” Ino snorts.</p><p>“He asked?” she has to hand it to Sasuke, he has a way of asking questions that seem to guarantee that he won’t like the answer. Hinata smiles.</p><p>“It was after the first time we had sex, actually.” Hinata says. Ino cackles, while Hinata lets herself remember what it felt like to pull away from him the first time.</p><p>She had turned around to watch him roll the condom off, and he was tying it in a knot when he asked if she had thought about him before. <em>What?</em> she asked. He gave her an unimpressed look. <em>You know</em>, he said, <em>girls usually fawn over me and remind me why I hated them when I was twelve</em>. Hinata had laughed at him. <em>No</em>, she replied, <em>I was really into Naruto. In all honesty, it never occurred to me before today that I would want to have sex with you. But I’m glad we did</em>. Sasuke had given her a strange look, before he smiled. <em>I’m not your type? Not even a little bit</em>, she smiled with all her teeth. He had nodded his head and walked into the kitchen to throw the condom out. He turned back to look at her, smiling. <em>I’m really not your type?</em> Sasuke had an amused look on his face. Hinata smiled. <em>Not remotely. Dark and handsome does nothing for me</em>. She couldn’t even see him, that’s how fast he had moved to her. <em>That just makes me want to change your type</em>, he said. She smiled at him. <em>Wouldn’t it be more satisfying to be the only one?</em> Hinata wrapped her arms around his waist, and had said it right into his mouth. <em>Only if I’m the best, full-stop</em>, he replied. <em>You want to be the Greatest Lover Of All Time? The G.L.O.A.T?</em> Hinata had laughed, but Sasuke’s face was serious. <em>Can I try?</em> he asked it in a husky voice, so of course Hinata let him split her open again. He asked if he was the G.L.O.A.T, and she said no; it’s not gloating if you can back it up.<em> I expected you to be smug</em>, she said. He smiled and said <em>no one has ever pulled that kind of performance out of me. It’s because you’re special, I can tell</em>. He took her nipple in his mouth and she bit her lip. It still makes her cheeks warm to think about what they did next.</p><p>Hinata sighs to herself. He would always be the best. “Well, I guess he changed your mind,” Ino says.</p><p>“He sure did,” Hinata replies. It isn’t a matter of taste, so much as she is certain that he is the only person she will ever want with every fibre of her being.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>People have started to notice that Sasuke and Tenten spend a lot of time together. Chouji asked her about it when Sasuke picked her up from the academy the fifth night in a row. She had shrugged and said they are just friends. Chouji replied that he didn’t know that Sasuke was friends with anybody. <em>You can’t judge a book by its cover</em>, she replied. Chouji snorted and said <em>actually, you can, and Sasuke has never been anyone but who he is</em>. Tenten frowned and reiterated that they are just friends.</p><p>Chouji and Lee haven’t asked about Sai, but that’s because they don’t think Tenten is ready to talk about him. So asking about Sasuke is the closest they have come to asking her about her romantic life. Tenten frowns as she thinks about it. She is sitting in a booth at the diner, Sasuke across from her, pushing a waffle across his plate. She watches him frown at his breakfast, wondering what on earth could be bothering him at 7 AM.</p><p>“I took Neji and Sai here,” she says, taking a sip of coffee. Sasuke frowns.</p><p>“This place will probably curse our friendship.” He says. Tenten rolls her eyes at him. He smirks. “No middle finger?”</p><p>“It’s too early,” she replies. She puts some egg in her mouth and chews.</p><p>“At least you are eating something,” he says. She leans over her food and chews with her mouth open. No one ever taught her how to eat in polite company. It’s charming, on her. He watches her pick up a piece of bacon and inspect it in the light.</p><p>“Neji always said bacon is an indulgence.” She misses him. He always knew what to say to her to make her feel better. Sasuke snorts in response.</p><p>“Everything is an indulgence to him,” Sasuke mutters. Tenten still hasn’t put the bacon in her mouth.</p><p>“Did you know that Sai never has cravings? Like, not once did he ever wake up and say, ‘Ten, I am really craving bacon’ or come home and say ‘I’m in the mood for a beer.’ When he is hungry, he is simply that; hungry.” She says, “he consumes to satisfy an appetite, but he never craves anything.” Actually, that’s not true: the only time he ever showed any specificity was with her. She wilts, thinking about this. Sasuke gives her a sad look, before he clears his throat.</p><p>“It’s fascinating to learn more about Neji and Sai, but I don’t really see why you are telling me all of this,” he says. Tenten sighs.</p><p>“C’mon, Hinata must have quirks that you think about.” She doesn’t say <em>all the time</em> aloud, but it hangs there, heavy.</p><p>Sasuke shakes his head in response. A part of him thinks that the less he talks about it, the easier it will be to live without her. “No, Hinata is delightfully well-adjusted and quirk free.” Tenten narrows her eyes.</p><p>“That is a lie,” she says, “she is a Hyuuga.”</p><p>“She didn’t really have any quirks around food. She eats a lot.” Sasuke pauses. Being silent hasn’t been easy; maybe it is time to try and speak. “She didn’t like to spit her toothpaste out in front of me.”</p><p>“That’s cute,” Tenten replies, “very ladylike.” Sasuke smiles.</p><p>“She also had this weird superstition. She would knock on things three times to prevent them from being stale.” He says, putting a piece of waffle in his mouth.</p><p>“Stale?” Tenten asks. Sasuke nods, swallowing his waffle without chewing.</p><p>“Her mom taught her that every time you use something, you give it some of your energy. So, for weapons that you use more than once, in addition to cleaning them, you have to knock on them three times to clear out the old energy.” He pauses. “She did it with my stuff all the time.”</p><p>“That is,” Tenten says, “so sweet and utterly Hinata.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Sasuke replies in a sad voice. He frowns and picks at his waffle. Tenten sighs, looking at the defeated expression on his face.</p><p>They take a few bites of their food without speaking. Sasuke swallows a particularly large piece of waffle, and tilts his head as he looks at her. “It would be easy to be vulnerable if every relationship was like this; just hanging out all the time, talking about things that upset you without either person prying.” Tenten picks up a piece of bacon.</p><p>“That’s because our relationship has no expectations.” She stuffs the bacon in her mouth, chewing thoughtfully.</p><p>“There are expectations,” he says, “like, I expect you to not annoy me, or you expect me to let you sleep on my couch.” Tenten rolls her eyes while she swallows.</p><p>“That’s not what I mean,” she says, “we don’t make any claims on each other.”</p><p>“No claims?” Sasuke snorts. “Funny, I was going to promote you to best friend.” He gives her a small smile as she laughs.</p><p>“No, like, we don’t want each other beyond companionship. We’re just vibing.”</p><p>“Vibing?” Sasuke asks. Tenten nods.</p><p>“Vibing.” He shrugs in response.</p><p>“You’re fucking weird.” He puts another piece of waffle in his mouth. Tenten gives him a thoughtful expression.</p><p>“We can knock energy out of our weapons,” she says, “just for good luck.” Sasuke perks up a little more, sitting up in his seat.</p><p>“That would be nice.” He smiles. In the name of continuing tradition, Tenten took a piece of bacon off of her plate and placed it on Sasuke’s plate. He gives her a strange look as she shrugs.</p><p>“Neji or Sai made sure I never had all my bacon. It would be weird to eat it all myself.” She picks up a piece of egg. “You also look pretty sad, and I think it will make you feel better.” Sasuke smiles and wordlessly puts the bacon in his mouth. Tenten takes a sip of her coffee, and she tries not to spit it up when Sasuke asks her if she too has pictured kicking Shikamaru out the window of Hokage Tower. <em>Defenestration</em> is the least of what he deserves, she replies, and Sasuke replied that auto-defenestration is probably his favourite word.</p><p>While arguing over whether or not they want to kick Shikamaru out the window or watch him leap out of it, neither Tenten or Sasuke notice Sai and Sakura walk into the diner. Sakura sees them first, and points them out to Sai.</p><p>“Do you want to leave?” she asks. Sai, feeling a sudden wave of possessiveness, nods.</p><p>“I think we should.” He says, leading the way out. Sai doesn’t like feeling jealous, but he can’t help it.</p><p>“I didn’t even know they were friends,” Sakura says. Sai clenches his jaw.</p><p>“I didn’t know either.” He looks away from her face as they walk over to another diner, the one by Naruto’s apartment. Sakura calls Naruto on the way, who agrees to get breakfast with them. They both know that Sai enjoys their undivided attention.</p><p>Sai is ashamed to think this, but the only thing that will make him feel better is punching Sasuke square in the face.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>One of the best parts of being friends with Naruto is that he always believes that you are capable of anything. It is also one of the worst things about being his friend. Sai and Sasuke are eating lunch on the roof of Hokage Tower, watching Naruto struggle with the straw of his juice box. Sai knows Naruto is defensive of his manhood, and Sasuke enjoys watching what he calls <em>The Eternal Struggle</em>. Sasuke sips his coffee, snorting when Naruto finally inserts the straw.</p><p>“You two need to start putting yourselves out there.” Naruto sucks on his juice. Sai wrinkles his nose at the noise.</p><p>“Out <em>where</em>?” Sasuke asks, anticipating Naruto’s follow up statement.</p><p>“About.” He says in a faux-innocent tone. “You know, maybe meet someone special.”</p><p>“Mhmm.” Sai hums. He has already met someone special. He doesn’t feel any particular desire to meet someone new. Sasuke shrugs in response.</p><p>“I have a wall to spend time with,” he says, “I am happy.” Naruto rolls his eyes.</p><p>“You two can’t tell me that this is how you want to live!” He exclaims, “what will happen when it is just the two of you?” he asks.</p><p>“Neji will be there,” Sasuke deadpans, “no one ever bothers him about being alone.” Naruto narrows his eyes.</p><p>“So you two want to end up hanging out with Neji?” he asks, “what happened to you three!?” Sai and Sasuke give him a blank stare.</p><p>“Do you want a comprehensive list?” Sai asks. Naruto groans.</p><p>“No,” he says, “I meant, why don’t the three of you want to try and love again?”</p><p>“Did Neji ever love in the first place?” Sasuke deflects. Naruto looks up at the sky, pondering this question.</p><p>“Now that you mention it, I can’t remember him ever falling in love.” He scratches his chin. “He dated Ino for a bit, but I don’t think they were ever in love.”</p><p>“Can’t blame him.” Sasuke deadpans.</p><p>“Ino isn’t that bad,” Sai replies. Ino was his first love. She helped him realize that he was capable of it. Tenten is the love of his life but he never would have known if not for Ino. For that alone, he will defend her. “She was my first love, and I am still quite fond of her.” Sasuke opens his mouth to reply, but Naruto decides to change the subject away from Ino. He wants Sasuke and Sai to think about the <em>future</em> instead of the past.</p><p>But asking Sasuke and Sai to let go of the past is like telling a fish to live on land. Just this morning, they were reprimanded by Neji for training too hard. They are both the kind of people who like to put all their bad feelings into work, and between their respective break ups, Shikamaru’s determination to work them into an early grave and Sai’s discovery of Sasuke and Tenten’s ‘friendship’, they have had a lot of painful feelings to work through.</p><p>Sai was in the middle of visualizing how satisfying it would feel to break Sasuke’s arm, when Neji walked in and frowned at them. Things have been tense on their team, and he is keenly aware that he is not their favourite person right now. <em>You two will kill yourselves if you keep going like that</em>, Neji had said. <em>That’s the point</em>, Sasuke replied, frowning when Sai backed off and sheathed his tanto. After that, they decided to get lunch.</p><p>Sai has been weird lately, and Sasuke has thought about asking if he is okay. He is a tough opponent, but he doesn’t usually try to break Sasuke’s limbs when they train. It’s probably something to do with Tenten. He still gets angry with Hinata sometimes, so it makes sense that Sai would have some anger he needed to work out.</p><p>But Sai still sits next to Sasuke at lunch. At least <em>that</em> hasn’t changed. Sasuke puts some rice in his mouth, while Naruto babbles on about girls. He and Sakura have gone on a few dates, but they aren’t rushing anything. But Naruto<em> does</em> sleep around, and he has a tendency to forget that not everyone is like him. Sai and Sasuke are both categorically terrified of people, and they know themselves well enough to admit that they need an emotional connection in order to have sex.</p><p>“You two just need to get back in the saddle, that’s all!” Naruto says brightly.</p><p>“Women aren’t saddles.” Sai pokes at his lunch. Naruto frowns.</p><p>“It’s an expression,” he says, “you know that.”</p><p>“It was a poor choice of words.” Sasuke adds. “Can’t think of any woman I’ve slept with who would be flattered by the comparison.”</p><p>“Tenten never felt like a saddle.” Sai adds.</p><p>“Was she the one doing the riding?” Naruto lets out an obnoxious laugh. Sasuke snorts, smiling until he sees the way Sai glares at him. Naruto stops laughing, and gives Sai a smile, clearly unaware that Sai was purposefully glaring at Sasuke.</p><p>“Oh, c’mon Sai,” Naruto says, “that was funny.”</p><p>“Whatever,” Sai grumbles, putting a piece of tofu in his mouth.</p><p>“That’s my phrase,” Sasuke says. Sai shrugs, putting more food in his mouth so he doesn’t have to speak.</p><p>“You two are so weird,” Naruto sighs, “why can’t you try and be normal for a bit?’</p><p>They both blink at him, and he frowns. “Sorry,” Naruto says, “it would be even weirder if you were normal.” Naruto sucks on his juice box.</p><p>Sasuke slumps while Sai stretches out his legs. Naruto treats them to another story about a girl who isn’t Sakura.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Hinata lies on the grass, looking up at the sky. Akamaru lets her rest her head on his stomach. Kiba bought her a big red slushie, the kind where the colours are the flavours. He is lying down beside her, his head also on Akamaru. Their shoulders are pressed together. She sucks on her slushie while Shino hovers above them.</p><p>Neither will come out and say it, but Shino and Kiba are concerned about Hinata. She is dull, and frowns a lot. So Shino decided the three of them would hang out with just each other, like old times. Hinata knows why she is here. She just doesn’t care. Hinata takes a long suck on her slushie, hoping for a brain freeze.</p><p>“Hinata,” Kiba says, “what happened?”</p><p>“You can’t be so obvious,” Shino says. Kiba rolls his eyes.</p><p>“She knows we are worried!” Kiba turns back to her. “Hinata, you aren’t yourself lately. What happened?” Hinata blinks at him, and sucks on her slushie again. “Okay, that is a really annoying sound.” She shrugs in response, not taking the straw out of her mouth.</p><p>“Hinata,” Shino says, “the last time anyone on our team was like this, Kurenai was crying over Asuma.”</p><p>“The father of my child wasn’t murdered.” Hinata replies.</p><p>“You sound like Neji,” Kiba grumbles.</p><p>“The point is that we can’t help you if you don’t tell us what’s wrong.” Shino says.</p><p>Hinata blinks. What’s wrong? She wears a brick red sweater to bed every night. There is an entire drawer in her dresser that she can only open and look at. No one treats her like an animal. She talks to a cactus. She wants Sasuke back. If he came up to her and told her that he wanted to come back, she would jump on him. She would wrap her arms around his neck and murmur a thousand <em>yeses</em> into the place where his neck meets his shoulder. He could do whatever he wanted to her. She doesn’t care.</p><p>Hinata sits up and looks at her teammates. “I’m not ready to talk about it,” she says, “but I went through a break up.” Kiba blinks at her.</p><p>“It was Sasuke, wasn’t it?” he says quietly. She nods. “What did he do?” Kiba sits up, sounding angry. Hinata shakes her head.</p><p>“It wasn’t like that,” she murmurs.</p><p>“What was it like, then?” Shino asks. Hinata sighs.</p><p>“It’s very hard being without him,” she says. “That’s all I have to say.”</p><p>“Well, why did you guys break up?” Kiba asks. Hinata stretches out a leg, and Akamaru whimpers.</p><p>“He wouldn’t go public.” She says quietly. “He was committed, and perfect, or as close as someone can be to that, but he wouldn’t give me the one thing I wanted.” Hinata feels the tears form beneath her eyelids. “I miss him all the time. That’s all.”</p><p>Kiba moves first, pulling a tissue out of pocket. Hinata dabs her eyes, and he puts his hand on her shoulder.</p><p>“I’ll buy you another slushie.” He says in a soft voice. She laughs.</p><p>“You don’t have to.” She rubs her eyes the heel of her hand.</p><p>“Well, what can we do to help you?” Shino asks. Hinata bites her lip, thinking.</p><p>“We can watch the clouds for a bit,” she smiles, “Ino can’t shut up for five minutes.” Kiba smiles and Shino nods.</p><p>When the three of them lie back, Hinata smiles and pretends that they are still genin and Kurenai-sensei is about to come tell them that they have a mission. She slurps her drink, wondering when it all went wrong.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Tenten rode out her suspension. She didn’t want to see Sai or Neji. On her first day back, Sasuke walks into the lounge with her. As he disappears into the change room, she walks up to Neji, who is looking at her, arms crossed.</p><p>“I’m back,” she says softly.” He nods.</p><p>“I see.” He replies. She bites her lip. He can tell that she is duller, and she has lost weight. Her face is thinner.</p><p>“Sai and I broke up,” she says. Neji looks down at the ground.</p><p>“He told me,” he says softly.</p><p>“Okay,” Tenten breathes in.</p><p>She turns around and slumps into the change room. She walks over to her locker, and has to consciously recall her combination. She peels her civilian clothes off, and puts her uniform on slowly. When she finishes strapping her vest on, she smooths it down her stomach before picking up her katana and strapping it on her back. She picks up the mask and looks at it. <em>Eagle</em>. Time to be who she chose to be.</p><p>She walks out, wearing her mask. Her team waits. They have their masks on too. Sasuke’s arms are crossed, while Neji fixes his ponytail. Sai’s arms hang at his sides, and it occurs to her that this is the first time she has seen him since she broke up with him. Tenten wants to run up to him, hold him close. But she restrains herself.</p><p>Sai can’t help himself. He has missed her beyond words. So he allows his eyes to bore into her, and he can tell she is off. Lips pressed into a line, he wonders what has happened to her since he left her apartment. Does she regret ending it? He can only hope.</p><p>“How are you?” Sai asks her. Tenten blinks at the sound of his voice, tilting her head in a gesture of submission, receptivity. She has never done so with Neji or Sasuke. Sai looks at the curve of her neck, where the carotid and the jugular hide beneath her skin. She is still golden.</p><p>“I’m fine.” She replies. Sai nods.</p><p>“So am I.” He replies. Sasuke looks between the two of them while Neji pretends that this isn’t happening. There is a long moment of silence, and the four of them realize how much distance has grown between them.</p><p>“Welcome back, Eagle.” Neji says. “We have a meeting with the Hokage. Let’s go.” Neji turns away first, and Sasuke follows. Sai spends another second looking at her, before he turns away too. Tenten stares at their backs and swallows. She doesn’t feel like she has really come back.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>It doesn’t take long for Neji to realize that Tenten has no interest in working with him. She always has this sad face when she sees him, and he doesn’t know how to say that he is sorry. So he passes the buck, and switches the team formation so Sasuke and Tenten are paired together. Sai pouts more, but Neji would rather deal with him than a morose Tenten. Much to Neji and Sai’s combined irritation, Sasuke and Tenten actually enjoy working together. They don’t want their teammates to be miserable, but they don’t really want them to be happy either.</p><p>They got back to Konoha today, and Sasuke decided that he was in the mood to buy beer and get drunk while watching something really stupid. <em>I will even let you sleep on my couch,</em> he said. After a week with Neji and Sai, Tenten is more than happy to join him. She isn’t even offended that he assumed that she would want to stay on his couch. They decide to just leave work instead of showering and changing, that is how this week has been.</p><p>Sasuke dives into the first convenience store they come across. Tenten scrambles to follow him.</p><p>“Our week wasn’t that bad,” she says, following him to the aisle where the beer is. Sasuke has his hands on his hips, looking at their options.</p><p>“Oh, it was,” he replies, “every day there was some new fuckery to deal with.” One thing he has noticed about Tenten is her ability to gloss over all the bad parts of life. Like all the shitty things are inconsequential, not worth remembering.</p><p>“You are always so focused on the negative,” she clucks.</p><p>“I am a negative person,” he deadpans, “if you haven’t noticed.” Tenten rolls her eyes.</p><p>“Whatever. Choose some beer and I will pay for it.” She says. Sasuke crouches down to pick up a twelve-pack, giving her a look.</p><p>“I can pay for it,” she says, “I am staying on your couch tonight.” He frowns.</p><p>“But if I pay for it, I can complain about you drinking all my beer.” He chooses the shittiest brand, just to see if she will say something.</p><p>“But if I pay for it, that means we can get better beer <em>and</em> I don’t have to listen to you whine about what a drain I am.” She reaches for her preferred brand, and Sasuke sighs.</p><p>“I buy you food, but you don’t eat much.” He says. Neji and Sai have been asking him if she is eating anything. While he would <em>love</em> to complain about being made her keeper, she is his friend and he would like to see her eat something too.</p><p>“We’re always on the move,” she shrugs in response. He closes his eyes, trying to think of the most diplomatic way to talk about her poor eating habits.</p><p>“You know you could get scurvy, right?” he asks. She smiles.</p><p>“A festive, old time-y illness.” She replies. He snorts.</p><p>“Just eat an orange in front of me every so often.” He stands up and holds his arms out. Tenten gives him a strange look.</p><p>“I guess I could do that,” she replies, “why are you holding your arms out like that?”</p><p>“To carry the beer, duh.” He says. She rolls her eyes and hands it to him.</p><p>“I’m still paying for it,” she says.</p><p>“Sure,” he drawls.</p><p>As they walk over the counter to pay, Hinata steps into the convenience store. Ino wants to watch a scary movie with Sakura, and Hinata is buying all the snacks. She looks around the store, and when she sees Tenten, she nearly calls out. Until she notices Sasuke carrying a twelve-pack of beer and talking to Tenten. They aren’t flirting, but Hinata can’t think of who else they would be drinking all that beer with.</p><p>She crosses her arms and frowns. Hinata is certain that Tenten and Sasuke would never hurt her. Intentionally. She doesn’t want them to see her, so she leaves the store. Later, when she shows up at Ino’s place with all the snacks before Ino and Sakura are there, Shikamaru pokes around the bags and asked why she bought so much gummy candy. <em>That shit will rot your teeth</em>. She shrugs, replying <em>so will the cigarettes</em>. He gave her a smirk and lit the cigarette that he had stashed behind his ear.</p><p><em>You’re bitchier than Neji sometimes</em>, he drawls, walking over to hang his head out of the window.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Sasuke breathes hard as Sai bears down on him, coming from above. Neji told them to take it a notch below trying to kill each other, but Sai makes it hard when he goes at this kind of pace. Sasuke does his best to simply block him, but this is getting ridiculous.</p><p>Their rules are simple: only weapons. Nothing else. Sai has never given the sharinngan the slip, but he has gotten around Sasuke’s defenses more than he should have been able to. Speaking of, he ducks Sai just in time, and blocks his follow up. Barely.</p><p>“Sai,” he pants, “is there a reason you are trying to kill me?” Sasuke has no problems with being murdered. He would just like to feel like he really earned it.</p><p>Sai gives him an angry look, and backs off. Sasuke stands up, eyeing Sai. “I asked a question,” he says, hating to repeat himself. Sai scowls.</p><p>“I heard you.”</p><p>“And?” Sasuke asks, gripping the katana. Sai narrows his eyes.</p><p>“I’m thinking about whether or not I want to answer it.” He says in the kind of polite voice that actually means <em>fuck you</em>. Sasuke puts his hands on his hips, waiting.</p><p>Finally, Sai speaks. “Are you sleeping with Tenten?” Sasuke blinks.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Are you and Tenten having sex?” Sai’s arms are at his sides, both his hands in tight fists.</p><p>“I heard you the first time,” Sasuke says, “I am just wondering why the fuck you are even asking me something like that.” It’s not that he hasn’t thought about it. It’s just that the thought repulses him.</p><p>“You like spending time together,” Sai replies. Sasuke makes an exasperated noise.</p><p>“She has a lot of guy friends.” He says. Sai frowns.</p><p>“But you’re together all the time.” He says in a small voice. Sasuke tilts his head, softening his expression for Sai.</p><p>“Well, on a squad of four, her options are the ex-boyfriend she isn’t over and the best friend she had a massive falling out with. I don’t like myself, but I would hang out with me too, given the choices.” Sasuke sheathes his katana. “Look, I broke up with someone too, and Tenten and I hang out because neither of us want to be alone because we aren’t really over what happened.” Sasuke blinks, looking right into Sai’s eyes. “She isn’t over you.”</p><p>Sai digests that information. It was something he knew, but it is different hearing Sasuke say it. “I know,” Sai’s voice is small. “I’m not over her either.” He swallows, and Sasuke nods, looking at the floor.</p><p>It’s hard, being an exceptionally smart person who gets easily overwhelmed by your own emotions. It makes them both feel powerless, because the things that they know don’t correspond to how they feel, and well, it is disorienting. Like, you know you are in a free fall but you can’t tell which way is the swiftly approaching ground and the receding sky. On the other hand, it would only occur to an intellectual, the kind who is unable to integrate their emotional and rational worlds, that there is even a way to survive that kind of fall. Most people would at least let themselves panic.</p><p>But Sasuke and Sai don’t panic. That’s why they end up in situations where they try to use their thoughts to overrule their feelings. Not once has it worked, but they don’t have the emotional intelligence to be different.</p><p>Sai wants to try and break the cycle. “Do you want to talk about Hinata?” he asks. It’s an offer of friendship, and more interest than Sai has ever shown in Sasuke. He looks away.</p><p>“How do you know?” he asks.</p><p>“Your outburst in the flower shop,” Sai replies, “your feelings aren’t subtle.” While it is hard to know what Sasuke thinks, it is never hard to figure out how he feels. He can’t control his emotions the way he can his thoughts.</p><p>“It really pissed me off,” he says, “what she said.”</p><p>“That you were just alright?” Sai smirks. People so rarely put Sasuke in his place. It was refreshing to watch. Sai likes Hinata just for that. Sasuke groans inwardly. It is becoming increasingly apparent how silly it was to try and keep it from being public. Everyone seems to have already known.</p><p>Maybe it is time to be open and vulnerable. Perhaps it isn’t too late for Sasuke to change, if nothing else, his relationship with Sai. “Hinata broke up with me because I didn’t want other people to know about us.”</p><p>“But people do know.” Sai says in his monotone voice, accompanied by a surprised blink.</p><p>“Well, I’m coming to figure that out,” Sasuke rubs his face, frustrated. “Look, between us, things were great. Like, Hinata gave me hope for the future and made the world less scary. She loved me, and I still love her.” Sasuke admits the truth like it is a shameful secret.</p><p>“You don’t have to hide it,” Sai replies, “you don’t have to pretend that you aren’t in love with her.” He shrugs. “You’re not a very good actor.”</p><p>“Duly noted.” Sasuke deadpans.</p><p>“I still love Tenten.” Sai says in a quiet voice. Sasuke puffs his cheeks, frustrated that they are both still in the same place.</p><p>“Do you think we can change?” he asks, looking up at the ceiling as he blows all the hot air out of his mouth.</p><p>“I don’t want to be any different.” Sai replies, “not about this. I want to love Tenten forever.” He scuffs his toes. Sasuke nods.</p><p>“I miss Hinata.” He says quietly.</p><p>“I miss Tenten.” Sai stares up at the ceiling too.</p><p>They sit down at the same time, looking up at the ceiling until Tenten walks in, wearing her mask. She tells them to meet her and Neji in the lounge. They have a mission. Tenten looks at them both, but her feet point right at Sai. He gives her a sad look as she turns away, and Sasuke lies down, letting his back thump to the ground.</p><p>“Still jealous?” Sasuke asks. Sai shakes his head. “Good. She only really pays attention to you.” He gets up, and offers a hand to Sai.</p><p>They are ten minutes late, and but Neji settles for glaring through his mask today, as Sasuke gives a <em>what can you do shrug </em>and Sai eyes Tenten’s arms. <em>It’s all come back to the beginning</em>, he thinks.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The poem Sasuke is thinking of is  “The Organ Donor’s Driver’s License Has a Black Check” by Mary Karr.</p><p>Insert boilerplate about typos.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. An Old Wound</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A dream of justice, a shower stall and a speculum.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“I still can’t feel my face”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Frank Ocean, Novacane</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It has been three months since Tenten last touched Sai, and the emptiness hasn’t gone away. She is back on the team, and she tries to focus on work. She pairs up with Sasuke, she exchanges superficial pleasantries with Neji, and she still cannot look away from Sai.</p><p>Even with their masks on, she knows they watch each other. There is still tension, heat between them. She does her best to fight it, but somehow, at the beginning and end of each day, every detail but the way Sai moves through the world has fallen out of her head.</p><p>She is not as sullen as she was when she first came back, but she still glares at Neji when he calls on her for anything. She has grown used to the distance between them, and unlike him, she doesn’t believe that they can be friends in a world where she must give up Sai for her to keep her job. It makes things awkward for Sasuke, who is now the glue holding their team together, but he does his best to ensure that she doesn’t have to work with either of their team members.</p><p>Today, they are on the way back to the village, leaping from branch to branch. Neji and Sai are in the lead, with Tenten and Sasuke keeping back. Her gaze is fixed on Sai’s back. She still covers for him when she can, even though she isn’t allowed to.</p><p>“Ten,” Sasuke keeps his voice quiet, so only she can hear him. “You’re not subtle.” She doesn’t turn her head, but she feels the tendon rising in her neck, and the blood thumping in her ears. “I’m not going to tell you what to do, but if I notice, they definitely do.” Sasuke jumps up ahead of her, leaving her to take up the rear.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Today was hard. Tenten was paired with Sai, and it took everything in her to not tell him how lonely she is, how much she regrets breaking up with him. In the past four months, he has only referred to her as Eagle. But today, when they were doing reconnaissance, and he had to stand behind her, she heard him mumble <em>Ten</em>. She knew she heard him correctly, by the way they both froze. It took everything in her to reply “Monkey?”</p><p>He places his palm against the back of her arm, and the side of her neck tingles. Sai then rubs his thumb against inside her arm. His hand is warm. Shifting back toward him, she hears her heart in her ears and the blood rushing down below her stomach. They stand like this for three, maybe five minutes. <em>He won’t take his mask off</em>, she thought, <em>but I wish he would</em>.</p><p>A thought, from nowhere in particular: <em>I want you to pull my hair</em>.</p><p>Luckily, their target went on the move, and they leapt apart and into action. They didn’t speak about it, because that moment simply proved the truth. They want to be together. She is grateful for her mask, because her cheeks are burning and despite herself, she is smiling like an idiot. She wonders if his face is the same; is he happy to have touched her? Or could he be angry, upset that they are still tied to each other, after four months apart?</p><p>When they finally reported back to Neji and Sasuke, they stood as far apart as they could, and she could tell that they felt the charged air between her and Sai. “Wolf,” Sai speaks first, “Snake.” She can’t see their faces, but she knows that neither Neji or Sasuke are fooled by Sai’s nonchalance. She remains silent, grinding her teeth. The place where he touched her arm burns.</p><p>After a long silence, Neji signals for them to get going. He doesn’t ask Sai or Tenten to share what they saw. She suspects he was testing them, to see if they could still work together. She narrows her eyes, as if she could melt holes into his back as they travel back to Konoha. When they arrive, no one says anything. Their masks are off, and it is immediately apparent how disunited they are. Just over five months ago, they could at least make eye contact with each other. She still looks at Neji, but she glares, her eyes boring into him. It doesn’t faze him anymore, but he won’t make eye contact with her. Sai looks at the floor, mouth in a grim line. Sasuke, who had been the moody one, was now the only team member who could make eye contact with everyone else.</p><p>They are falling apart, and all she wants is for Sai to touch her arm again. Neji nods, and his mouth twitches like he is about to open it. Instead, he waves them off. Tenten stands there, arms crossed. Neji gives her a look, like <em>whatever</em>, and he heads into the locker room. Sasuke looks between Sai and Tenten, like he is trying to calculate how much time he has to get away before it all blows up.</p><p>He backs away, before turning around, resigned to the fact that he cannot prevent the inevitable. She looks at Sai, the mask in his hand, and suddenly the distance between them feels greater than it actually is. Tenten gazes right at his eyes, until he raises them and looks at her. She sees it all: anger, regret, grief, and still, love.</p><p>“Sai,” she starts, opening and closing her mouth, as if all the things she wants to say are crammed in her throat, and nothing can pass.</p><p>He should not have touched her arm. It was a stupid thing to do. She has every right to be mad at him. When he raises his eyes to meet hers, he expects reprisal. But when he sees her, opening and closing her mouth, the sad look in her eyes, Sai realizes the profound stupidity of touching her. Four months, like that, are gone.</p><p>He wants to reach out, touch her again. Sakura was always telling Team Seven that connection was a human impulse. To seek physical comfort in the face of pain, both physical and emotional is a sign of resilience, not weakness. <em>Everyone needs a hug sometimes,</em> she had said. But he doesn’t want to stop with hugging Tenten. He wants to climb inside her ribcage and never leave.</p><p>He looks into her eyes and he knows she wants that too.</p><p>They look at each other for a beat. Maybe two. She then walks over and puts her hand around his wrist, and she starts pulling him along, because she wants to <em>talk</em>.</p><p>He lets her lead him, not even hesitating when they enter the women’s change room. It is the mirror of the men’s room. Seafoam and grey tile. Yellow lockers. Benches. She hadn’t thought much beyond wanting to get him alone. Releasing his wrist, she turns to look at him. She is surprised he let it get this far. The charge is there, and it hasn’t abated. It thumps between them, not quite a heartbeat but a distinct pulse.</p><p>The blood is roaring in her ears, and she has to close her eyes to try calm it down. She opens her eyes, and he is still there. His face is blank, impassive, but his eyes are dark.</p><p>“You wanted to talk to me?” Sai is cold, and she can’t blame him. He has every right to be angry.</p><p>“Sorry.” <em>I’m so, so sorry</em>. Her eyes are big, and she is choked up. Touching a hand to her throat, her lips move but nothing else comes out.</p><p>Sai is a patient man, but even he has his limits. Seeing someone you want every day doesn’t make you desire them less. It just feels like a taunt. <em>See who you can’t have</em>. It wasn’t until he touched her, that he realized what a poor job he’s been doing of getting over it. He thought that living without her would be okay. But she isn’t his dead brother, or his first love. Her loss still lies beyond his comprehension, like his mind only allows him to process tiny bits of grief at a time.</p><p>“Ten,” he says, “is that all you have to say?” Sai bites his lower lip, hands on his hips. Hanging back. He isn’t numb to her, and he doubts he ever will be. She exhales, and flops her arms to her sides. She shakes her head, but her mouth is closed. “May I speak?” Tenten nods. Sai steps towards her, uncertain, and he looks at the space just beside her head, collecting his thoughts. When he is ready, he turns to her.</p><p>His face is not neutral. He looks as devastated as she feels. “I am sorry for touching you. I shouldn’t have, and I won’t do it again.” This is not what she wanted to hear. She wants him to touch her, to never stop touching her, because this—this life she leads without him? It is bare life.</p><p>“I’m not sorry,” she replies, stepping towards him, “I want you to touch me, Sai.” She breathes in, and crosses her arms. “Our break up has nothing to do with you.”</p><p>Sai gives her a hard look. His brows furrow, and his jaw tightens. Then his face goes slack, all the tension released on an exhale.</p><p>“Ten?” he asks. She nods. He puts his hand to her cheek, and leans in so close that she can feel his breath on her mouth. “I want to be with you. I can’t look at you without wanting to be with you. I think you feel the same. Am I right?” Sai traces his thumb under the hollow of her under eye. She shakes her head. He tilts his head. “Is that a yes, or is it a no?”</p><p>It’s obvious. She makes the first move, flowing towards him. Her arms around his neck, her lips on his mouth. It is still soft between them, like she has just come home from running an errand. She pulls away, long enough to mutter “<em>yes” </em>against his chin. She moves her hands so that her fingers dance along his jaw, his neck before resting on his chest. She pulls back, looking at him, and then over his shoulder.</p><p>She wants to do something incredibly stupid. Looking into his eyes, she can see that he is doing the same math in his head. She goes to her locker and unlocks it, as he fiddles with the straps of his tanto. She places their masks in the locker, and he hands her his weapon after she stashes her own away.</p><p>She yanks off her vest and stuffs it in the locker, and bends over to take her shoes off. Sai looks at her back, and from the way her hips and spine jut, he can tell that she has lost the little bit of weight she gained on leave, and then some. He takes his own vest off, and he leans over her to put it in her locker.</p><p>She takes out her towel and her toiletries. Sai watches her, biting his lower lip. She pauses, thinking about undressing here. But part of the thrill was always him taking her clothes off. She can’t explain it. It is simply more fun to have Sai undress her. Tenten grabs her towel and kisses him on the mouth, before taking his hand and leading him to a shower stall. She pushes him in first, while she hangs up her towel outside.</p><p>When she steps into the stall, closing the curtain behind her, Sai fixes his gaze on her. She hasn’t put much thought into what they are about to do, so much as she has thought about how they can minimize being caught. He disrupts the circuit between her animal hindbrain and rational mind. It happened when she threw the kunai, when he touched her arm and it is happening now. She thought breaking up with him would restore the connection, but, sadly, it has not. There is a reason she had to look away from him when they broke up.</p><p>They look at each other for a second, both trying to figure out how this will work. Sex doesn’t just happen. There is always a level of premeditation. Sai’s nostrils flare, the way they do when he is trying to balance several competing ideas at once. She holds back, shuffling away from the curtain. He is free to go.</p><p>It surprises her when he reaches out for her first. When they were in a relationship, sex was always fun, light-hearted. They never had sex when one of them was angry or upset. They had time to wait. Even though Sai is still angry, he knows that they don’t have time for him to feel better. Her hands are under his shirt and her tongue is in his mouth, and the world is back on its axis.</p><p>They have been wearing the same clothes for two days. At this point, the uniform feels like a second skin, and taking it off feels like stripping away apart of themselves. She takes off her shirt, and then hooks her hand under the band of her sports bra, yanking it off. She takes off his shirt next, and she presses herself to him. She just missed his skin against hers. That’s all.</p><p>It’s cooler in the women’s room, and as Sai yanks her pants down, he finds himself worried that she will catch a cold. She steps out of her pants, and he pushes them to the side of the stall.</p><p>Smoothing her hands along his shoulders, she <em>hmmms</em> as he kisses her lower stomach, below her belly button. Placing his hands on her hips, he positions her by the wall. He kisses her knee as she spreads herself, and when he comes up from below all she can do is look up at the grey ceiling. She loves every bit of Sai, but his mouth—no other could compare.</p><p>Not for the first time, she curses her lizard brain; it takes over whenever it comes to Sai. Her care for him makes her feel powerless. She doesn’t show it as often as she should, but he makes her feel like honey on the inside. Sweet and golden and sticky. Even after four months, and especially with his head between her legs. How is it that every time they do this, it feels like he hits something new, even if he has touched that spot before? With him, she is the opposite of numb. She is one big raw nerve, bare to him, only him.</p><p>She stuffs her fist into her mouth and bites down onto her curled fingers. Her other hand strokes Sai’s hair, a gesture of tenderness. He sits back and looks up at her. She is flushed and roseate, and as she drops her fist from her mouth, he sees where she bit down on her fingers. He takes her hand, looking at the places where bruises will form. Forgetting, Sai puts his lips to the emerging bruise on her middle finger, below the knuckle. She exhales, and puts her other hand against his cheek.</p><p>“Do you want to stop?” Tenten asks. He looks up at her, shaking his head.</p><p>He stands up, a strong and tall. Tenten leans against the tiled wall. She reaches for the buttons of his pants. They are standard issue, the same as her own. She looks into his eyes the whole time. His eyes are starved. When they have sex, she always feels like he hungers for her.</p><p>“We don’t have much time,” he murmurs, as she finally undoes his pants. She looks at him, reading his mind. He steps towards her, and he lifts the leg she kicks up over his hip.</p><p>It’s awkward, trying to find the right angle. She wraps her arms around his shoulders, it takes a second, but eventually they fit together. She makes a hissing sound, but she shakes her head when he asks if they should stop. “Please,” she puts her forehead to his, so she can look right into his eyes, “go.” He nods, and he begins.</p><p>Not for the first time, Sai wonders about the secrets hidden at the back of her eyes. He wants to know how she sees the world, how light moves through to her optic nerve. They are big pools, warm and deep, and there is a ring of honey framing each pupil. Yes, Sai thinks it is generic to describe the eyes of the person he loves. It is, but now that he has known the kind of love that compels one to use cliché, he understands why it is done. Everyone should know the miracle of Tenten’s eyes.</p><p>It’s not so much about moving in and out, as it is rocking back and forth. Her breath is in his face, and she is looking right into his eyes, in the way only she can. She calls to the human Root tried to destroy. Sai kisses her cheek, and she whimpers. Yes, she makes him feel utterly and painfully human.</p><p>How can something that feels this good ever, possibly, be bad? She doesn’t understand how people can lead entire lives where they never experience this kind of moment, where everything is searing and hot and perfect. Sai never fails to pin her at the core of time itself. Her mind can’t wander, even if what she wants most is to float away. He grounds her, and she never wants this to end.</p><p>He doesn’t know this, and he won’t find out until later, but when he hits her cervix she almost, <em>almost</em>, tells him that she is taking him back, because she is <em>his</em> and <em>oh god</em>, how could she have thought otherwise? He pins her against the tile, and it takes a minute for them to fall apart. Sai carefully unwraps her leg and sets her down. He pulls up his pants, and he doesn’t look at her as he fastens them.</p><p>He picks up his shirt, and pulls it back over his head. She holds herself back against the wall, her heart in her throat. Sai finally looks at her when his head pokes out of his shirt.</p><p>“What does this mean?” Sai asks. <em>That you still make me weak</em>. She blinks.</p><p>“Nothing has changed, Sai.”<em> I’m still in love with you and I would kill for you a thousand times over</em>. He scrunches his eyebrows together. He looks like he has tasted something he wasn’t expecting. She can tell he is pushing his tongue against his front teeth.</p><p>He bends down, and begins to fold her clothes, a cross between bewilderment and irritation on his face. She stands back, still naked. Sai realizes he can see the faint shadow of her ribs. She needs to eat more. He stacks her clothes into a neat pile, and then tucks them under his arm.</p><p>He looks at her again. She can tell he is chewing on the lining of his cheek. “What is it, Sai?” Tenten asks softly. He shakes his head, before looking right into her eyes.</p><p>“We need to have a conversation, eventually.” He pauses, and the hurt in his eyes breaks through. “You said <em>yes</em>, Ten. I asked, and you said yes.” Sai looks away, frowning. “I’ll leave your clothes in your locker.” He turns away, and he doesn’t look back at her when he closes the curtain.</p><p>She looks at her hands, where her teeth left bruises. Taking her other hand, she uses her nails to dig into a bruise. Her jaw ticks from the jolt of pain.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Shikamaru wishes that someone had warned him that when he became chief strategist, that he would never properly rest again. If justice were still a possible in this world, he would wake up a giant beetle. All he would need is for Ino to open a window, and he could fly away and pass his days however beetles do.</p><p>He said this to Ino when she told him about a character from a book she was reading. He woke up a beetle, and spends most of the book fretting about his responsibilities to his family and job. He never actually panics about waking up a beetle. Ino said that this was because he was a bug. It’s why he isn’t called a beetle in the book: he is referred to as vermin in the English translation, to capture the sense that he, arguably, was always already a kind of bug, a louse in human form.</p><p>Since then, Shikamaru has clung to the idea that perhaps a higher force would take pity and grant him such an escape. Sadly, as Ino routinely liked to point out, poetic justice can’t be willed into existence. Shikamaru sighs, because a man is nothing without his dreams. He swears, one day, he will know peace.</p><p>Shikamaru finds it hard to turn his brain off. It simply takes more time for him to unwind. For this reason, Ino almost always goes to sleep before him. She is a heavy sleeper, so more often than not, he gets thirty minutes of solitude. Tonight, he only needs ten.</p><p>He is just about to doze off when he hears a loud knock. At first, he thinks it is in his head, a figment of a dream, but then it comes again, louder. He sits up with a groan, and there is another knock. Even Ino raises her head, as he rubs the spot between his eyebrows. “What is that?” Ino yawns, turning onto her back, rubbing her eyes.</p><p>“Fuck if I know,” he replies, “it’s probably work.”</p><p>“You need a new job.” She says, arching her back into a stretch. He doesn’t disagree. The only reason he is there is because the anxiety of leaving anyone else in charge of the safety of the village is far worse than being woken up in the middle of the night.</p><p>“Go back to sleep,” he stands up, deciding it isn’t worth putting on a shirt to collect a scroll. The knock comes again, harder, and he narrows his eyes. He works with some real assholes, but they were usually inconspicuous. “I wonder who it is.” Ino’s voice is still sleepy, but she sits up, going on the alert.</p><p>He strides out into the living room, and unlocks the door. He is in the middle of an eye roll when he swings it open. Before him, in sweatpants and a large sweatshirt, stands a teary-eyed Hinata. Her face is pink and puffy, and her eyes are red. They stare at each other for a moment, unsure of how to react to the other.</p><p>For all the times Ino has told each of them how alike they are, Hinata and Shikamaru have never felt compelled to say much of anything to each other. Shikamaru steps back from the door, welcoming her in. “What’s wrong?” Hinata glares; of course he wouldn’t wait to get to the point.</p><p>Her arms are crossed, and she shuffles in. She doesn’t say anything as he locks the door. She stares off into space, blinking. Shikamaru turns back, now genuinely concerned. Hinata isn’t a rude person, and it is unlike her to be so sullen.</p><p>“I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.” He goes into the kitchen, and pours her a glass of water. He comes back out, and she is still quiet. “Breathe, and drink some water.” She takes a deep breath, and holds her hand out for the glass. Closing her eyes as she takes a sip, Hinata tries to calm herself down enough so that she can talk to Shikamaru without crying.</p><p>She holds the glass with both her hands, looking into the water. He crosses his arms, and tilts his head, waiting for her to speak. When she looks up at him, she can see that, despite the irritation, Shikamaru cares about the fact that she showed up at his door, crying. He acts the way a father should. Hinata wonders if she should tell Ino this; it would probably please her.</p><p>Tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, Hinata clears her throat. “I need to talk to Ino.” He raises an eyebrow, but he shows her into the living room as he goes to wake Ino up. There is some murmuring, but it takes seconds for Ino to come out of her room, tying her robe at her waist. Shikamaru leans against the doorway to the bedroom, as the two women sit on the couch.</p><p>He can’t remember ever seeing Hinata cry. She didn’t cry when Neji tried to kill her or during the war. She doesn’t whine or complain, let alone cry in public. So he is more than a little curious as to why.</p><p>Ino puts a hand on her arm, and Hinata starts tearing up again. “What happened?” Ino asks, in her sleepy voice.</p><p>“I’m ready to talk.” Hinata says quietly. Ino’s head tilts, and she frowns. “I’m sorry that it is so late.” Ino’s eyes soften, and she takes Hinata’s hand.</p><p>“Did something happen?” Ino asks, Hinata can only nod while she starts bawling. Anger flashes across Ino’s face, as she directs Shikamaru to the box of tissues they keep on the kitchen table. He places the box on the coffee table as Hinata hyperventilates, trying to stop her tears. Ino rubs her back, and Shikamaru can tell from her face that she already knows why Hinata is here.</p><p>Eventually, Hinata is able to breath normally. Her problems are all so small, and frankly, she is embarrassed to be here. But she couldn’t think of anywhere else to go. She wipes her tears off with her hands.</p><p>“I tried to clean out his drawer,” she says in a small voice. “There are still some clothes, and his toothbrush and soap.” She looks down at her knees, wishing to be swallowed up by the couch. “I was in bed, and I couldn’t stop staring at it. So I opened it, thinking I could clean it out. That it is time to move on.” She chokes a little bit, and the murderous look in Ino’s eyes dissipates. “He is neat, and his clothes are all in such tidy piles. I hid his soap in there, because I don’t want anyone else using it. I would rather the men who come over to leave smelling like me rather than <em>him</em> and isn’t that just…insane? I broke up with him, but for some reason I am waiting for him to <em>come back,</em>” burying her head into her lap, Hinata wraps her arms around her knees.</p><p>Ino rubs her back, giving Shikamaru a look that tells him that Hinata will be on the couch tonight. Shikamaru nods, going to the closet to pull out their extra duvet. Hinata slumps up, her eyes staring into space.</p><p>“I have no right to miss him,” she says, “but I do. I really, really do.” She breathes in, and looks to Ino, as if she has all the answers.</p><p>“You don’t have to be okay,” Ino says. “These things are hard.” Hinata sits up, still looking miserable.</p><p>“I think he is the love of my life.” Hinata says quietly. “I could be with someone else, but I think a little piece of me will always want him.” She rubs her left eye with the heel of her hand. “I just have to accept it.” She flops back onto the couch. Shikamaru comes over with the duvet, and he throws it over Hinata.</p><p>“Did you have to do that?” Ino shrieks, waking both Hinata and Shikamaru up. Ino flips the blanket down, revealing a melancholic Hinata. Ino smiles in apology, but it doesn’t register.</p><p>“So,” Shikamaru says, “all this is about Sasuke?” Hinata nods at him, with the indifference of an animal waiting to be euthanized.</p><p>Shikamaru doesn’t really like Sasuke. It isn’t a big secret. He never understood how someone so hostile could have people love him with such intensity. Shikamaru had always had contempt for Naruto and Sakura’s blind loyalty. It wasn’t fake, but it seemed misplaced.</p><p>Which is why when he found out about Sasuke and Hinata’s relationship, Shikamaru had waited for the day that Ino would come and tell him about he had crushed Hinata’s heart the way he did to everyone else. It seemed like Sasuke enjoyed throwing love back in people’s faces. Shikamaru couldn’t entirely blame him—no one seemed to genuinely love Sasuke. They just wanted to pick and choose the parts they wanted.</p><p>But looking at Hinata, with her detached expression and red eyes, he feels like he, for the first time, is looking at someone who genuinely loves Uchiha Sasuke. There is the distinct sense that Hinata would love Sasuke even if he were hit in the head with a rock and forgot who he was. She sees him for who he is, and she can love him for all of it. There no conditions to meet or requirements to fill. She simply loves him.</p><p>In fact, Shikamaru would even go so far as to say that she, in this moment, has seriously made him consider the possibility that Sasuke is actually lovable. She doesn’t even want other people to smell like him, even though there is no way that Sasuke uses anything that couldn’t be found in a drugstore.</p><p>Shikamaru looks to Ino, and they exchange a look, finally grasping that which was lost.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p>Tenten absolutely loathes going to the doctor, but she has an annual physical in order to maintain her Anbu status. Her height and weight have been taken, and a nurse made a pointed comment: “you don’t have much more weight to lose.” Tenten shrugged it off. As far as she is concerned, without Sai, she has nothing to lose, except her temporary residence on Sasuke’s couch.</p><p>She was told to go into the room and change into a gown. It crinkles, and she doesn’t like how vulnerable she is under the thin plastic. Tenten holds her arms around herself, like a hug, with her back hunched over. She wonders, briefly, if any of the guys are subjected to this kind of exam. It is hard to picture a doctor asking her teammates to lie back and open their legs.</p><p>It has been impossible to fall asleep since she had sex with Sai. Tenten is pretty sure she will have to be dead to forget what happened. When she sees him in person, her face burns up, and Sasuke has started making fun of her for having a rash. A <em>Sai burn</em>. She nearly kicked him for that one.</p><p>Shizune is someone who always looks at peace, no matter what she is doing. She comes in, wearing her white coat and smiling. Tenten likes her. Shizune looks in her eyes and ears, takes her blood pressure and listens to her heart. It is going well.</p><p>And then, Shizune asks her to put her feet in the stirrups. Shizune turns away, as Tenten does her best to get onto her back without ripping the paper under her or the gown she wears. She puts her feet in the stirrups, and lies back, exposed. Her muscles clench, automatically. Tenten breathes in, and against her own comfort, tells Shizune that she is ready.</p><p>With a nod, Shizune comes over, wearing rubber gloves. She takes a quick glance, and everything appears alright. She asks Tenten if she is sexually active. <em>I wish I wasn’t</em>, she thinks as she says yes<em>, I wish I were sexless</em>. Sai would lose some of his power over her.</p><p>“Do you like the birth control you’re on?” Shizune asks, pulling out a swab and a speculum.</p><p>“It’s alright,” Tenten says, “I like it enough.”</p><p>“Enough?”</p><p>“It works.” Tenten pauses, “I’m not pregnant. It has done its job.” Shizune chuckles, like, <em>isn’t it cute that pregnancy is the last thing you want to deal with</em>. Tenten isn’t sure how old Shizune is, but she wonders if she thinks about having children. Is there a man she can’t imagine herself without?</p><p>“Okay, this is going to feel uncomfortable,” apologizing upfront, Tenten sees Shizune wrap her gloved hand around the speculum to warm it up. Tenten inhales, steeling herself.</p><p>When the speculum is inserted and engaged, Tenten lets out a hiss, and out of nowhere, begins to cry. Shizune immediately withdraws the speculum, and comes up to Tenten.</p><p>“I’m so sorry,” she says, “did I hurt you?” Tenten waves her hands by her face, still on her back and spread wide.</p><p>“No,” she gasps, “no, I just, I had this boyfriend, and I miss him.” Snot flows out her nose, and she sits up on her elbows. Shizune offers her a tissue. “I wish things were different, that’s all. I don’t know why I’m crying about it here. It really isn’t your fault.” <em>He hit my cervix the other day, and I realized that I may only experience that again during a pap smear</em>.</p><p>Shizune stands beside Tenten, looking down at her with sympathy. But Tenten and Shizune both know that she is about to say something harsh. “Tenten,” she says softly, “he is just a man. Nothing more, nothing less.” Shizune takes off her gloves and throws them away. Then she washes her hands, and puts on a new pair. “Is he in the forces?” Tenten nods, her tears having stopped.</p><p>“It is always a mistake to date within the ranks.” Shizune pulls out another speculum, and another swab. “The job always gets in the way.”</p><p>“Always?” Tenten asks. Shizune nods.</p><p>“Always.”</p><p>“Even if you’re in love?”</p><p>“Would love leave you feeling like this?” Shizune asks. It is then that Tenten realizes that Shizune has never been in love. Because the answer is: <em>yes,</em> love has the capacity to leave you as broken as it can make you feel whole. Now, would Sai want her to be broken? He loves her, in the truest sense, which means that no, he wants her to be happy and whole, no matter what.</p><p>“Love has its downsides,” Tenten replies<em>, but at least I felt it</em>.</p><p>“You want my opinion?” Shizune asks in a tone that says that she will be sharing it regardless of Tenten’s answer.</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>“You need to get over it.” Shizune’s tone is clinical. “Now, can we try this again?”</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Sai has always looked down upon desperation. He has complete and utter contempt for it. But it has been a week since he had sex with Tenten, and it is all he can think about when he sees her. His teammates went into the locker rooms to change, but he can’t stop looking at the door she disappeared behind. He looks down to his mask, at the face that has looked up at him since he was a boy.</p><p>He is keenly aware that sex isn’t a relationship. If he were to go to her again, he would do so because that is all she will give him. He misses her, and sex is a substitute for the relationship they had. He can close his eyes and pretend that they are in her apartment and he will wake up to white walls and her kicking him in her sleep. He can pretend they are doing this before the grocery store because they just have to. Last night, when he relived it in his mind’s eye, he pretended that they had just gone home after, and he had made dinner while she read out their horoscopes.</p><p>Tenten has never revelled in cruelty, but what she is doing to him, what he allows her to do to him, is torture. He was fine, until they had sex last week. He isn’t ready to admit that he hadn’t really healed at all, that he just cruised through the pain. When they had sex, it felt like a punishment, a slap in the face as much as it was an embrace, a welcome home.</p><p>The sex is both them, and not.</p><p>Which would he prefer? The answer is them, but if they do this again he may find out that it is not.</p><p>He looks at his mask, his second face, and knocks it for luck. Looking around, while knowing no one is there, he walks into the locker room. She has just taken her hair out of her ponytail, and she shakes it over her shoulders. He doesn’t bother to hide his presence. She pauses, briefly, which is how he knows that she knows he is there.</p><p>He blinks, walking up to her. Sai hasn’t thought about whether or not he has anything to say. He has said it all, over and over. She can’t not know how he feels. She shucks off her vest, putting it in the locker, where she has stuffed her sandals.</p><p>She turns around to look at him. Her expression is neutral, but she eyes him warily. She isn’t being herself, kind and open and inquisitive. It hurts, but he walks up anyway.</p><p>“We need to talk about what happened last week.” Maybe do it again. Her mouth quirks to the side, and she takes her tank top off. Sai blinks, confused.</p><p>“I need a shower,” Tenten puts the top back in her locker. Sai doesn’t know if she is playing dumb or genuinely clueless.</p><p>“Tenten,” he sighs, “I want—“</p><p>“To tell me what we both already know, again?” Tenten’s voice is sharp, as she shucks off her sports bra and throws it in the locker. She is annoyed. He can tell by the way she doesn’t bundle anything away.</p><p>“That I’m in love with you, and that you feel the same?” Sai meant for his voice to be cold, but the words come out with anger. She looks him in the eye as she unbuttons her pants and pulls them down. Tenten is silent, even after taking her underwear off. She turns away, putting her clothes into the bag she keeps in her locker.</p><p>She doesn’t say anything, because she would just scream, <em>I too, am keenly aware of our predicament</em>. The last thing she needs is for Neji and Sasuke, the only other two people around, to come in here and get visual confirmation that she and Sai are still a thing. She kind of hates Sai, because before all this, she knew who she was, and her path in life. He came along and scrambled everything.</p><p>Since her melt down at her doctor’s appointment, Tenten can’t stop beating herself for being weak. She used to be strong; she had an edge. She had dignity. Then Sai came along and took it from her, and now he wants more. She supposes that she has taken his dignity too. He has, after all, come into the women’s locker room twice to see her. She blinks, willing herself not to cry. She then wraps a towel around her body, and grabs her toiletries.</p><p>She turns around and looks him in the eye. Sai can tell that her eyes are watering. She stands in front of him, torn. She intended to just charge right past him and step in the shower, but she doesn’t really want to do that. It’s pathetic, but she wants him as much as he wants her, maybe even more.</p><p>“Why did you really come in here?” Tenten asks, tired. “Nothing has changed.” Sai bobs his head.</p><p>“I know.” His eyes are incredibly sad. It is how she knows that he has no illusions about where they stand. It breaks her heart even more than all the times she has to look at him and pretend that her decision didn’t ruin both of their lives.</p><p>Okay, their lives aren’t <em>ruined</em>. But it feels that way.</p><p>She sets her bag of toiletries down on the bench, and she goes up to him, and takes his tanto off his back, and puts it in her locker. He hands her his porcelain mask, which she places over her own. She closes the door, but she doesn’t lock it. She looks back at him, and his face has the grim expression of someone who knows they are about to do something that will hurt in the long run.</p><p>Tenten approaches him, and puts her hand on his cheek. She rubs her thumb over the sharp bone, and she kisses him, quickly. She looks at him, head tilted, and he pulls her towards him. When he kisses her back, she relaxes. Kissing Sai is easily her favourite thing to do, which is probably a sign that she wasn’t ready for Shizune to tell her to get over it.</p><p>She leans back, holding up her towel, with his hands around her waist. “I’m going to the shower now.” His arms fall to his sides, and she picks up her toiletries. He follows her, down the corridor and into her favourite stall.</p><p>Institutional tile is so ugly. It is a perfect place to do an ugly thing. She offers him a small smile, giving him time to back out. But he draws the curtain closed behind them, and turns the corners of his mouth upwards, the closest he can get to a smile. At least she isn’t playing coy, like <em>oh let’s play this game where we see who takes the bigger hit.</em></p><p>She drops her towel and walks up to him. “Do you really want to do this?” her eyes soften, and she holds his hand, rubbing a palm. He wants to laugh and reply <em>I wish I didn’t</em>, but that would kill the mood.</p><p>“Yes.” His voice is low, before he kisses her cupid’s bow. She sighs, like <em>Sai you’ve come home, you’re finally hom</em>e, and she wraps her arms around his neck.</p><p>This was easier, when they were in a relationship, because he always knew where they stood after. Now, he is less sure of what she actually wants from him. He could ask her, but her tongue is in his mouth. She leans against the wall, and he narrowly avoids his forehead colliding with the showerhead.</p><p>In their time apart, Sai has come to accept that he doesn’t hate her, not one bit. Instead, his love sits in his chest, building. It’s hard treating her like a team mate when she is so much more. Her hands are in his hair, and she is completely naked, but he still doesn’t know if he has the emotional intelligence to discern her true feelings.</p><p>Because it still feels the same. All the tenderness, the care is there in how she holds him, the way she nibbles on his lower lip, how she presses herself right up against him. The intensity remains. So how can it be this way, and yet they still remain apart? This is not a solution; this is hell.</p><p>Sai kisses along her jaw, and she begins to fiddle with the straps of his vest. He still has no idea why he is here, reminding himself of what he doesn’t and can no longer have, so he allows her to take control.</p><p>“Sai,” she whines into his ear, “you need to lift up your arms.” Letting her go, he takes care of the flak vest and his shirt, letting them fall to the ground with the towel. His eyes have softened, and when he kisses her, she can pretend that things are how they were. She misses him, and she hopes he knows it.</p><p>Sai knows why they are here, and that they don’t have much time. He pulls away and dips a finger in his mouth, running it along his cheek. She looks up at, leaning against the wall. Pressing her back to the wall, she welcomes the sting between her shoulder blades and the tile. When he leans back into her, he puts the finger against her, running the familiar circuit.</p><p>Pressing his forehead into the tile, Sai feels her hot breath on his ear, and it makes him shiver. She puts an arm around his waist, but she doesn’t turn to look at him. Instead, she uses her free hand to cover her mouth, her eyes squeezed shut. “More?” he asks, and she nods, desperate but trying to stay quiet.</p><p>She becomes softer against his hand, and she moves with him. Her body is where it needs to be, but he doesn’t want to leaving her hanging. “Sai,” she whispers, so soft he doesn’t know if it is his name or just a sigh. He closes his eyes, pressing himself against her for support, and mutters, “go”. She clamps her thighs against his hand, and buries her head into his neck. Her nails dig into his spine.</p><p>They stay suspended like this, and she releases his hand before she looks up. She kisses his shoulder before she leans back against the wall. Her eyes are lidded, and she has a dopey smile on her face. Sai smiles too, because it feels like they are them again. She unzips his pants, as he leans into her mouth. He is soft, tender. It’s like the past few months didn’t happen, and they have both woken up from a horrible dream.</p><p>When they are ready, Sai gets ready to lift her leg, but she shakes her head. He tilts his head, confused. They are still trying to be quiet, to make it seem like this isn’t happening, so he just waits for her to show him what to do. She bites her lip, uncertain. Her eyes are bright, like she can see what she has asked him to do for the cruelty that it is. The truth is that she aches for him too. She kisses the corner of his mouth, the way she would when they were at home, sitting around and in the middle of something else.</p><p>He blinks, because it represents what he wants most: normalcy.</p><p>She then pulls away, and turns around, palms to the wall. Sai tilts his head, standing back as she positions herself. When they were together, her back was a welcome sight. Now, he wonders if it is her way of making this less intimate. As if she were trying to tell him not to bother. If they can’t see each other than it’s like it didn’t happen.</p><p>Her muscles twitch, and he puts a hand on her back, stroking it. She leans into the contact, and watching her back move is enough for him to clear his mind. Sai wonders if she has been with anyone else. He leans right against her back, pressing his mouth to her ear, and asks. “Ten,” he whispers, “do we need a condom?”</p><p>She isn’t stupid. The intent of the question, the real inquiry, was whether there had been anyone else. Her body instinctively leans back against his chest, and she shakes her head, uttering a soft “no.” Sai pulls away again, to line himself up with her.</p><p>His desire for her isn’t her fault. She can’t make him do anything. He put himself on the edge of the knife, and chooses to get hurt. He holds her hips as he buries himself in her <em>again and again and again</em>, trying to block out the tile and the artificial lighting and the thin plastic curtain that floats against the back of his legs.</p><p><em>I’m a liar</em>, she thinks to herself, <em>a liar and a sadomasochist</em>. Because he is right here, and he is the one thing she wants, and yet she won’t turn around embrace him the way they both want her to. She grits her teeth and looks down at her feet. Sai, who makes sure she comes, who can look her in the eye and tell her that they love each other. Sai loves her, and she loves him, and she is putting them both through this for…what? She can’t remember. Not when he is inside her and she is biting down on her tongue.</p><p>Is it bad that he is enjoying this? Sai ponders this idea, turning it around in his head. A part of him had been looking for her to hurt him, so he could have something to hold against her. Instead, he will leave this wishing, for the umpteenth time, that she would take him back. He knows he did nothing wrong, but there are times when he wishes it were his fault so that he could feel like he had some control over what happened to him.</p><p>Because the alchemical thing that, for him, only exists with her, that little star born between them, is right there in front of him and behind his eyelids and he can tell that she feels it too. Her sigh is his name, and he can tell it is not because she came but because they were close, and it was enough for her. She explained this to him once: that being vulnerable and open to him, and him alone, was often enough for her.</p><p>It is this thought that pushes him to slam his open palm over her hand, and bury his face in her hair. He breathes in, and then out. In and out. He entwines their fingers, and kisses the back of her neck. She is shaking, and he can tell that she will cry. He withdraws, and zips his pants back up. He watches her back, the way her shoulders shake. He puts his shirt back on, and then his flak vest. It has been two minutes, and she still won’t look back at him.</p><p>Sai picks the towel up off the floor, and hangs it on the hook just outside the stall. He touches her back, and she leans into his hand, standing up and back from the wall. Her breathing slows down, and she mutters, “I’m okay.” He narrows his eyes, biting back <em>I’m</em> <em>not</em>. Instead, he presses his chest to her back, and kisses her ear. He then rests his chin on her head, like he would when he wanted to pull her attention from whatever she was doing, and turns the knobs of the shower so that the water starts flowing.</p><p>He turns it to the hottest it will go, before he steps away and ducks out of the shower. He closes the curtain, and walks out to her locker.</p><p>No one is there, and in truth, he would have simply nodded if he had run into someone. He goes to her locker, and after taking out his things, locks it. He can hear her shower running, and he knows he needs to leave.</p><p><em>If this were a game</em>, he wonders, <em>who lost?</em></p><p>She doesn’t cry until she hears the door slam and she knows he is gone, and she doesn’t leave until the water is freezing and she stops dry heaving.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p>Ever since Tenten decided that Sasuke was her new favourite team member, he and Neji make a point of not speaking unless absolutely necessary. They were never close before, but it hurts Neji every time Tenten glares at him and Sasuke wants to avoid any reminder of Hinata.</p><p>Their lockers are along the same wall, so it is inevitable that they will have to say something to each other eventually. Sai isn’t here, so unless he has gone home without showering, he is probably with Tenten again. They weren’t subtle.</p><p>Sasuke clears his throat. “Tenten won’t take Sai back without your approval,” he says, “I think expecting them to stay apart is making us all miserable.” Sasuke puts his mask and katana into the locker. Neji fiddles with the split ends of his ponytail. It is the first time Sasuke has seen him look uncertain.</p><p>“She killed an informant.” Neji looks takes his ponytail out. “She stopped thinking about the mission.”</p><p>“Her job is to protect the three of us,” Sasuke replies, “she was doing her best. She made a bad call. That’s it.” He hangs his vest up in his locker.</p><p>“I saw the T&amp;I file.” Neji’s voice is quiet. “The informant was useless.” Sasuke freezes. He swivels his head to look at his captain. He narrows his eyes.</p><p>“Useless?”</p><p>Neji looks at Sasuke like he is a particularly stupid child. “He was a member of the organization we were looking into, but there is no way he had any information.”</p><p>“You haven’t told her this?” Sasuke’s voice is sharp. “They are so in love it’s gross, and you’re letting her think her judgement was bad?” Neji looks away, peeling his shirt off.</p><p>“It doesn’t change anything,” Neji folds his shirt neatly. Sasuke turns to face him. He can feel the tendon raise in his neck.</p><p>“It changes everything.” Sasuke growls. “She thinks that Sai turned her brain to mush. But if she made the right call, she needs to know. She and Sai are in love; do you know how rare that is in this hellish world?” Sasuke thumps his hand against a locker. It rattles. Neji turns his head and gives him a pointed look.</p><p>“I didn’t know you believed in love.” Neji narrows his eyes. In this moment, Sasuke realizes that Neji <em>knows</em>—about Hinata, probably the circumstances of their break up. Sasuke grinds his back teeth, and Neji, satisfied that Sasuke has been put in his place, turns his attention back to his gear.</p><p>Sasuke flexes his hands and then shuts them into tight fists, several times. Tenten has been staying on his couch for months, losing weight and moping. Sai, already a shell of a person, has eroded more. What was being done to them wasn’t fair. She was stupid to think that breaking up with Sai would return things to how they were. But a vital piece of information was being held back from her. She had made the right call. Neji had to have known for a while. Sasuke thumps his hand against the locker door several times.</p><p>He turns to Neji, his eyes swirling. “Our team mates are hurting because you are refusing to tell them the truth.” Sasuke snarls, “I just think you should remember that.” He decides that he will just go home and shower there. If he sticks around, he will punch Neji in the face.</p><p>“All I did was tell her to decide who she is when the mask is on,” Neji doesn’t look away from his locker. Sasuke, slamming his locker shut, turns and glares right at him.</p><p>“You are making her less of a human being.” Sasuke thumps the door of his locker.</p><p>“So you won’t tell her?” Neji asks in a silver voice. <em>He is lucky Hinata loves him</em>, Sasuke thinks, <em>luckier than he can begin to fathom.</em></p><p>“You set your example with her,” Sasuke replies, “I would never disobey a direct order from my captain.” Sasuke says in as polite a tone as he can muster, which is just above a snarl. With one last thump against the locker, he walks out of the room.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>There are some memories that Hinata treasures above all others. Most of them are simply fragments of other people: her mother’s smile, Kurenai’s eyes, Hanabi’s laugh. Things like that. She can remember an entire moment, but it is the small details that she keeps close to her heart.</p><p>Every so often, a whole memory will play in her head, like a tape. She is looking over a report for Ino. She told her friend to leave early, that she could finish this report herself. Ino had left an hour ago.</p><p>Since then, Hinata has only been able to stare at the page in front of her, eyes open but unseeing. She was craving scrambled eggs, something she used to make all the time. They were always brown and dry, but she put so much salt and pepper and ketchup on them that it didn’t matter.</p><p>One day, Sasuke, on his way to shower before work, caught her eating her, admittedly, terrible eggs. He rolled his eyes and said he would show her how to make them properly when he got back. Hinata was in a mood. They had a fight about his work in Anbu; it took him far away, she didn’t like worrying about him and Neji. He fired back something like, <em>Tenten’s literal job is to keep us safe, and where does she fit into this?</em> Hinata had frowned at him, and gone to make her breakfast while he showered. Still sore from their fight, she responded to his promise a terse <em>and if you don’t come back?</em></p><p>Sasuke shrugged in response. <em>I guess you’re doomed to a life of bad scrambled eggs</em>. He had smiled, and walked right up to her to poke her forehead. He withdrew his hand, and had turned to leave, when he paused. He went back to her, and kissed her forehead. <em>Your mouth is ketchup-y</em>. He then went away for a week, and she had worried the whole time.</p><p>She came home from work starving. Then she turned around and saw him, standing in the kitchen. There was a plastic bag with groceries on the counter, and he just looked up at her with a bored expression. She beamed at him, and went up and put her hands around his waist. He snorted, telling her to get out of his way. <em>I thought you were going to teach me</em>, she said into his back. She felt, rather than heard his shrug. <em>It gives me a reason to keep coming back from missions</em>, he said. <em>You are never going to have the patience to do this yourself. </em></p><p>He was right. He explained that good scrambled eggs were cooked by slowly moving them over low heat. They tried, numerous times, and it always ended in him taking over. Sitting at her desk, Hinata smiles, thinking about how every time she had been starving and cranky, he would tell her to be patient or get another craving. By the time he was done, she was always forced to admit that yes, it had been worth the wait.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Shikamaru is thinking of the time Ino read Kafka's The Metamorphosis and Nabokov's reading of Gregor. </p><p>This is low-key one of my favourite chapters in the whole story--and yes, I will deal with the typos.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. A Bathtub and a Series of Resolutions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Popsicles, bad faith and real change.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em>“Time cast a spell on you”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Stevie Nicks, Silver Springs</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The bathtub in Sasuke’s bathroom is the only one Tenten has been in that isn’t grimy. He lives in an old apartment, with a claw-foot tub and outdated tile. The walls of his bathroom are mint green and the floor is white linoleum. The window is frosted glass, and it sits over the bathtub. There is no curtain, so the light comes in unfiltered.</p><p>On her way home from work, Tenten bought herself cheap bubble bath from the drugstore. It is lavender-scented, which is supposed to be soothing. Instead, she finds herself sitting in cold water, reeking of lavender at 3 PM on a Tuesday. It has been a week since she had sex with Sai. She has resigned herself to emptiness.</p><p>She is too depressed to move. Rather, she slumps against the back of the tub, wearing the expressionless face of an animal awaiting euthanasia. She thought about masturbating, but she can hear Sasuke clanging around out there. As a treat, she may take a clonazepam tonight and then tell Sasuke that she is too sick to come in to work tomorrow. He won’t believe her, but he would cover for her and that is what counts.</p><p>She kicks her leg out so that it rests on the edge of the tub, and she allows herself to sink further into the cold, soapy water. Tenten won’t put her head under the water, but she desperately wants to, just to feel the sudden burst of adrenaline telling her to live. She sighs, loudly. She could never do that to Sasuke. He has had enough horrible shit happen to him. Finding her dead in his bathtub would probably, actually push him over whatever ledge he is dancing on.</p><p>She can’t cry anymore, but she wipes her cheek anyways, in a swooping motion that follows the shape of her waterline. Things could be worse. She could be alone in her unfurnished apartment. Staying with Sasuke is nice, in the sense that they are both lonely people who are trying to make themselves whole again.</p><p>
  <em>Will I ever be whole again?</em>
</p><p>As she thinks this, Sasuke walks into the bathroom, holding a bowl of apple slices. He sits in the edge of the tub, looking at her with an expression that looks like disdain but is actually the closest he can get to being sympathetic when the person he is looking at isn’t Hinata or Naruto.</p><p>“It smells like a candle in here.” He says. She nods, her expression empty. Sasuke likes to think that he knows a few things about staring into the abyss, but her eyes are a void. It breaks his heart.</p><p>“You look like one of those sea turtles that has plastic blocking its esophagus so it can’t eat,” he drawls, “or an emaciated polar bear.” Using her foot, she splashes water onto him. He doesn’t even flinch. “You’re too skinny for me to call you a beached whale, but you certainly have the same <em>please suffocate me now</em> expression.” He puts an apple slice into his mouth and chews. She glares up at him, crossing her arms.</p><p>“Your point?” Tenten huffs. She looks right at him, but he remains unmoved.</p><p>“Eat something.” He holds the bowl out to her, nodding his head like <em>take one please</em>. She scowls at him. He glares back at her. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.” Tenten gives him a flat, dull look, which only irritates him further.</p><p>He likes having her around, don’t get him wrong, but he doesn’t want to sit here and watch her be miserable. She shrugs at him, making the water ripple around her. He narrows his eyes.</p><p>“I like having you around, and I feel like we have built a mutually rewarding friendship,” he says, “but you need to talk to Sai or Neji eventually. They can put up with this angst-y shit.” He tries to sound like he cares.</p><p>“I’ll talk to them when you talk to Hinata.” She rebuts. Sasuke’s jaw ticks.</p><p>“I’ll talk to her when you stop having sex with Sai in the change room at work.” Her face goes pink, and Sasuke knows that he has her there. He blinks and puts another apple slice in his mouth. Tenten thinks that if she waits him out, he may eat them all and she can continue her hunger strike.</p><p>But as she looks at his face, she sees that he is, on some level, genuinely worried for her. It says something when she is making him, of all people, visibly concerned. It is easy to worry Sai or Neji—but Sasuke is always indifferent. Maybe she should eat an apple slice, if only to appease him.</p><p>“Would you have done the same thing,” she says, “if it were Hinata?” Sasuke can tell that her question is serious from the way she asks it. He bites his lip, and shrugs.</p><p>“She doesn’t commit emotional self-harm,” he replies. Tenten’s knee bursts up through the water.</p><p>“She does,” Tenten says, “all girls do. She just doesn’t use you to do it.” Tenten is looking off into space. Does that mean that Hinata loves Sasuke more than Tenten loves Sai? Or is it the case that their love is of the same intensity, but moves through the world differently? A question worth considering. Sasuke’s eyes are dark and unreadable.</p><p>“Sai loves you,” he says, “he deserves better.” Sasuke pops another apple slice into his mouth. “Also, eat the rest of these apple slices. Neji and Sai will kill me if you waste away on my watch before you all make up.” He plops the bowl into the water, and it floats in front of her. Tenten glowers up at him.</p><p>“I’ll eat this apple if you agree to stop being miserable.” Sasuke chuckles.</p><p>“But who would I be if I weren’t miserable?” he asks. Tenten eyes him with the look she makes before she aims a kunai at a throat.</p><p>“I don’t know,” she drawls, imitating him. “Maybe you would be happy enough to let Hinata hold your hand in public?”</p><p>She nails him like an eagle picking up a snake with its talons. Sasuke glares, and being unable to offer any rebuttal, he uses his hand to splash water into her face. As he walks out of the bathroom and she calls him an asshole, he tries not to think about whether or not it is too late to tell Hinata that he wants her back.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Sasuke isn’t a fool. He knows that Sai and Tenten could literally have sex in that change room forever, and nothing in their relationship would change. But when he sees Sai’s face, he can see how much it hurts him to be with Tenten and then not. Sasuke knows that while Tenten is only looking to hurt herself, Sai is being mangled too. Now that they are friends, Sasuke knows he has to get the two of them to talk, with their clothes on.</p><p>The thing that bothers Sasuke is that he knows that if Hinata offered the same to him, sex without commitment, he would take it. He isn’t thrilled to know this, it’s the opposite really, but love has taken his pride and ripped it to shreds. So he walks up to Sai, who is putting his shirt back on.</p><p>“Sai,” he says, “want to go get a drink?” Sai blinks at Sasuke.</p><p>“When?” he asks. Sasuke shrugs.</p><p>“Doing anything now?” Sai shakes his head. “We can go when you’re finished getting dressed.” Sai nods. “Okay,” he says.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Sai has never really liked Sasuke until recently. He doesn’t know what has changed between them, exactly, but it feels as if they are now able to relate to each other properly. Sasuke sips his beer, looking at Sai intently. It doesn’t bother him. Sasuke does everything with a single-minded intensity that only rivals Neji. Tenten and Sai are the flexible ones. Yamato wanted a balanced squad. Tenten was supposed to temper them, but she was the one who ended up acting out and ripping them apart. He believes that is what most would call <em>irony</em>.</p><p>Sasuke puts his beer down and gives Sai a concerned look. “So, you and Tenten.”</p><p>“Her and I,” Sai replies. He doesn’t bother to deflect. Let Sasuke do his worst.</p><p>“You’ve been sleeping together,” he says. Sai shrugs.</p><p>“Yes, we had sex in the change room. Twice.” He doesn’t know why he easily volunteers this information. Sai hasn’t even told Sakura. Sasuke nods in response.</p><p>“You’re probably not the first couple to do that.” He says. Sai bite his lip.</p><p>“I think I should put in a transfer,” he says, “it’s too hard, seeing her every day.” Sasuke sighs. He knows the feeling.</p><p>“I think that’s a mistake.” He replies. Sasuke, so very badly, wants to tell Sai what Neji told him: that Tenten wasn’t wrong. It’s what a good friend would do, but he got direct orders. Not for the first time, Sasuke wishes that Tenten was their captain. Sai frowns.</p><p>“How so?”</p><p>“She’s just doing it because she thinks it will make Neji happy. When she figures out that there is no pleasing him, she won’t care so much.” Sasuke drawls, “give it another month, and he will piss her off so bad that she will gladly flaunt your relationship.” Sai’s frown deepens.</p><p>“She should have chosen me in the first place.” It’s something that he has been wrestling with. If the roles had been reversed, part of Sai thinks that he would have gladly left Anbu. But another part of him doubts that he could. Anbu, like it or not, was his childhood. It is his home and leaving would mean giving up a significant piece of his identity. That’s why he can’t judge her for doing what she did. It’s no fun not being whole, but it is infinitely worse to think of giving up everything you were before.</p><p>Sai looks down into his beer, angry. He can’t even stay mad at her right. Sasuke looks over at the door and relaxes when he sees it open.</p><p>“I think you’d be surprised by her choices,” Sasuke drawls, throwing some bills onto the table to cover his drinks. Sai turns around, and sees Tenten, in a short, shapeless black dress walking over to their table.</p><p>“What are you doing, Sasuke?” he looks up, a panicked feeling in his chest.</p><p>“You two need to talk in public,” Sasuke says, “and if I don’t do something, Sakura and Naruto will do something infinitely more embarrassing to watch.” Sasuke smiles at Sai. “You two are going to be okay.” Sai gives him a grumpy look, and Sasuke laughs before walking off. Sai turns, and watches Sasuke put a hand on Tenten’s shoulder. He is saying something to her, but her gaze is fixated on Sai. She nods and rushes over to the table.</p><p>She sits down across from Sai, slamming her forearms onto the table. She has a desperate, wide look in her eyes. “Don’t leave the team.” She says. “We need you.” <em>I need you</em>, she wants to say. Sai tilts his head.</p><p>“I don’t want to leave the team,” he says, “but I can’t look at you ever day knowing we aren’t together.” It’s the truth.</p><p>“You can’t hold this over my head, Sai,” her lower lip quivers, “it’s not fair to make it my fault.” Sai frowns.</p><p>“If it is anyone’s fault, it is mine.” He says quietly. “I don’t know how to not want you, and worse, even if I did, I wouldn’t commit to it.” He crosses his arms. “I can’t look at you, knowing what we have.” Actually, he can’t stop looking at her. Tenten sighs, and nods.</p><p>“I know the feeling,” she says quietly, and she puts her hand on his forearm. He places his hand on hers and runs his thumb over her fingers.</p><p>Love bites.</p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>They end up back where it all started. Sai walked her home, and she asked if he wanted to come in, and one thing led to another and now he is on top of her. They are fully clothed, but both Sai and Tenten know that won’t last long.</p><p>He probably shouldn’t have walked her home from the bar. Sai would even go further and say that he should have left as soon as Tenten walked in and Sasuke told him that the two of them need to work it out before Naruto and Sakura try to help. Actually, Sai should have known that Sasuke had something planned as soon as he asked him for a drink.</p><p><em>Yes</em>, this is all Sasuke’s fault. This is why no one ever asks him for help with their interpersonal problems. Sai and Tenten have no agency in their relationship. That’s what Sai keeps telling himself. If you put him and Tenten in any private context, they are going to fuck. It’s inevitable, like a law of the universe.</p><p>Her apartment smells stuffy, like the window hasn’t been opened. It isn’t a bad smell, so much as stale. The curtains are drawn, so the room is dark despite the evening sun. It feels like she hasn’t really been living here. Sai wonders if this will really be the last time they are together. He promised himself that this would be the case, but now, he is not so sure. They just fit together so <em>well</em>.</p><p>They had been together long enough to know how each of the other’s items of clothing work, from memory alone. Tenten is wearing a dress, which is rare for her. It isn’t a particularly flattering cut, but Sai doesn’t care. It billows around her, hiding her figure. It’s the dress she would wear when she needed to throw something over her head quickly, or when it was really warm.</p><p>Sai has his hands up her dress, and he smiles into her mouth when he realizes she isn’t wearing a bra or underwear. “You’ve prepared.” He states, and she simply nods before sucking on his lower lip. Her hands are playing with the collar of his shirt, and she sighs when he rubs against her. He sits up to unbutton his shirt, and she yanks her dress over her head.</p><p>A memory: Sai taking a bath while Tenten cleans in the other room. She entered the bathroom, wearing this exact dress. She walked up to the side of the tub, while he was reading a book. <em>I want to come in</em>, she had said. He nodded and put his book to the side. Lifting it up, up over her head, she hung it up on the back of the door before stepping in to join him. She sat at the opposite end of the tub, until he motioned for her to come over. The water sloshed, and he definitely got soap in his eye, but it didn’t matter because she was there and they were <em>happy</em>.</p><p>Tenten wonders if she should feel bad about having sex with Sai. They definitely aren’t happy, and each time they do this it gets harder to stop or remember why they are no longer together. Her hands are on his chest, and then running through his hair. No, they aren’t happy but they are having fun. Isn’t that what sex is all about—taking pleasure in being with another person?</p><p>Except there is only one person she wants to be with and he is the one person she can’t have if she wants to keep her job. But where is she, for the third time in the span of two weeks? Back under Sai, of course. Sasuke told her that this is emotional self-harm, but it’s funny, because the only genuine moments of joy in the last few months have been when Sai touched her. She isn’t doing this to hurt herself. She is doing this to feel better, although, Sasuke would argue that is the crux of the matter.</p><p>Sai always has this debate before sex: hands or mouth? Sometimes, like today, it is very clear which he should lead with. He puts his fingers against her, and she opens herself more, relaxing herself onto his hand. He kisses her, and he likes how it feels like they are a circuit. That is what this is; fellow feeling, a “sympathy and fellowship existing between people based on shared experiences or feelings.” Their relationship is deeper than the shell that they have tried to reduce it to. Sai wishes it were raining, because it makes a soft noise when it hits the ground that is comforting.</p><p>His time with Tenten was marked by acceptance, feeling whole. In many ways, being with her still feels like coming home, even after all this time. <em>I am still yours</em>, he wants to pant, <em>I still want to be. </em>Instead, he moves his fingers against her, and she presses herself closer to him, asking <em>please, please, please</em> but leaving the actual question unspoken. Maybe because they are still so close that words aren’t needed.</p><p>A stroke, a few rubs, a clench followed by a flood. Eyes big, mouth wide, all her cute teeth exposed. Sai kisses her jaw while her chest deflates, and she slumps back into the bed. Her hand rubs his side, and it makes him feel warm. She looks into his eyes, and she returns his smile, moving her hand to his back as he lowers his body down to hers.</p><p>He kisses her collarbone while they both fiddle with his pants. “Sai,” she whines, and he groans out an “I’m working on it.” Not a second later he is inside her and everything is hot and tight and silk. She wraps her legs around him, urging him to come closer, to go faster. He puts his hand on her cheek, and he looks into her eyes.</p><p>Unblinking, she puts her hands around his wrist, and moves his hand to her throat. One hand stays on his wrist, keeping him there, while the other presses his hand over her throat. She gives him one of her doe-eyed looks, the wide-eyed innocent look of a wild animal who has lost her way.</p><p>Several emotions go through him at once. The first: confusion. He has never raised a hand to her, and she has never mentioned liking anything like this. He tells himself to keep breathing, and he keeps his hand soft, even as she presses down with her own and her grip around his wrist tightens. Sai feels a little hurt, actually, because he wonders if this is something she thinks he wants to see. The last two things he feels are this: anger and care. He is angry at her, for doing something like this without asking him, which, upon reflection, is how their break up worked. He is also incredibly angry with himself, because he is still inside her, in fact, moving harder than before.</p><p>He can shake off all of the above, except for the tenderness that keeps him inside her. It is what compels him to look into her eyes and smile, even though he has every right to be upset and withdraw. He keeps his hand relaxed, and while he doesn’t press it down he offers no resistance when she does it for him.</p><p>Tenten knows he is upset. She can feel it in the way he moves, the impossibly sad look in his eyes. She has no reason for why she decided to do it. She just wanted to know what it would feel for his fingers to be pressed to her throat. Tenten only felt brave enough to do it because she knew he wouldn’t hurt her, that his hand would stay soft like this and he would let her get what she needs.</p><p>Sai looks at his hand on her throat, and he keeps moving faster, which is maybe the way she wanted him to do all along. If so, why didn’t she just ask? He isn’t in her head. He can’t read her mind and placing his hand on her throat and holding it there is a pretty ambiguous thing to do. He searches her face, and he watches it change when she begins to really press down, making him bite his lip.</p><p>Her expression is soft, and he can tell she is looking to be hurt. Tenten wishes she could talk, because she wants him to choke her, to be mad and take it out on her. Why? She has no clue. The impulse comes over her like a wave, and there are tears in her eyes, but still, his hand doesn’t move. Choking her is out of the question: he never has, nor will he ever, nor does he want to raise a hand against her.</p><p>She starts pressing his hand down further, and between that and the tears and the tenderness he feels for her, Sai pulls his hand away from her throat and back up to her cheek, stroking her under eye. “I won’t do that,” he murmurs, and she nods. She is still crying, so he pauses completely. “Stop?” Sai asks, but she shakes her head and moves her hips against his.</p><p>He puts his face into her neck and his hand down from her face to the pillow beside her head as he starts moving and moving and she feels her stomach fluttering, like her stomach is a ribbon in water. She asks for it harder and faster and this, he gives her and with a roar it is over. He is spent but they are trembling, her from the shock of her orgasm and him from the troubling realization that he fucked Tenten while she was crying. Even though she wanted him to, it still makes him question himself.</p><p>She moves to hold him but he is quicker, withdrawing and standing up. He tucks himself back into his pants while she sits up, watching him look for his shirt.</p><p>“Sai?” her voice is small. She can tell from his posture that he is upset, and she sort of knows why.</p><p>“Yes?” Sai doesn’t look up from the ground, looking for his shirt.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Tenten really doesn’t know if she wants the answer. He picks up his shirt and looks her in the eyes with an angry expression.</p><p>“I am upset.” He stands up and turns his back to her. “I am angry and hurt that you pressed my hand to your throat—did you want me to hurt you?” he turns around and his voice goes up in pitch. She has never seen him react to anything this way.</p><p>“No…I..” she searches for words, but there are none.</p><p>“I should have pulled out when you started crying.” Sai says quietly. “I love you, but whatever we are doing is hurting us both.” Sai pulls his shirt on. Tenten just blinks and watches him. Her buns are still intact. They may be a little messy, but he doesn’t think she will need to fix them.</p><p>He puts his hands on his hips and looks her in the eye. He needs to stand firm on this one. “If I can’t be with you, I am switching teams. I can’t do this anymore, and it won’t stop until we choose to remain separate or be together.” Sai bites his lip. “You know I want to get back together, and I assume you don’t want to same.” He blinks and does his best to repress all of his emotions, something that is more difficult than when he was sixteen, which isn’t how it normally works.</p><p>“I am going to file a transfer.” Sai drops it between them. Tenten looks like she will start crying again, although he doesn’t know if she ever stopped.</p><p>“No,” she whimpers, “I’ll go.” Sai shakes his head.</p><p>“Neji and Sasuke need you. I’m the easiest to re-assign, and I’m not staying on a team where they can both blame me for you being gone.” He walks over to the door, and Tenten stands up and follows him, not bothering to get dressed. Something flips in her, from sadness to anger.</p><p>“It’s not like that!” Tenten wipes her eyes. “You aren’t replaceable Sai! You aren’t disposable to us.” Her hands are on her hips, and he would laugh at the way she looks if they weren’t having a serious conversation.</p><p>“Neji and Sasuke like you more.”</p><p>“For fuckssakes,” she growls, “I wish the three of you would stop acting like I am the only person on this team with any redeeming qualities or with any intrinsic worth as a human being. Sai, I will not, for one second, indulge this idea that you are not loved or cared for by the team, because we do love you. Sasuke and Neji love you.  <em>I</em> love you.” Tenten crosses her arms, and she looks like she will really start properly crying.  Sai is quiet as he puts his sandals back on, and he doesn’t look at her.</p><p>“That’s the problem.” Sai looks into her eyes. He exhales, defeated. “I love you too.” Somehow, he looks away again, and he manages to open the door and step outside. If she stepped to the peephole and tried to look out, she would see that Sai still had his back against the door. It takes him five minutes to actually walk away.</p><p>It’s a mixed blessing that she hurls herself back on the bed and immediately starts sobbing.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>In the basement of Hokage Tower, Sasuke has built himself a little den in the Anbu offices. It is as far away from T&amp;I as one can get, and if Tenten isn’t around, Sasuke prefers to spend his nights here. He has a couch and a blanket, and that is all he needs. It’s a bare life, but it is comfortable. He sits at his desk, reading a file, when he hears a knock on the door.</p><p>“Come in,” he says. The door opens, and Shikamaru stands there, arms crossed. Sasuke looks up and blinks at him. “What do you want?” Sasuke asks.</p><p>“That’s rude.” Shikamaru snorts. He isn’t holding any files or documents. Sasuke groans.</p><p>“Is this a social visit?” he asks. Shikamaru shrugs.</p><p>“A drop in.” He deadpans. Sasuke drums his fingers on the table.</p><p>“So?” Sasuke asks. Shikamaru clucks.</p><p>“I’m not here for me,” he says, “I’m here for Hinata.” Normally, Shikamaru wouldn’t get involved. He would prefer to watch Sasuke suffer, However, Hinata is heartbroken and thanks to Ino, he believes in true love or whatever.</p><p>Sasuke bristles and narrows his eyes at the mention of Hinata. “How is Hinata?” he asks stiffly. It’s weird that less than six months ago, Sasuke could have simply walked across the basement to find out himself. Judging from Shikamaru’s tone, Sasuke doubts that she is doing well.</p><p>“She came over to the apartment in the middle of the night, upset.” Shikamaru looks at his cuticles. “Who would have thought that even after ten years, girls would still be crying over you?” Sasuke frowns. He doesn’t like knowing that Hinata is crying over him.</p><p>“It’s none of my business.” He says.</p><p>“Look, Sasuke, we aren’t friends and I don’t really like you.” Shikamaru sighs, thinking of the days when he could successfully mind his own business. Ino has rotted his brain. It’s official. “I think the two of you need to talk about a few things.” Sasuke frowns and rubs his face.</p><p>“I didn’t want people to know about our relationship.” Sasuke drawls.</p><p>“Looks like you didn’t get what you wanted.” Shikamaru shrugs. “Well, now you know how she feels.” Sasuke pouts.</p><p>“I just…I don’t really know how to be vulnerable.” He sighs, “she is important to me.”</p><p>“I figured.” Shikamaru leans on the doorframe.</p><p>“How do you do it?” he asks, “how are you able to be comfortable with being vulnerable?”</p><p>“You know that people knowing you’re in a relationship isn’t an actual problem, right?” Shikamaru replies. Sasuke frowns.</p><p>“Don’t you feel weird, letting people in?” Sasuke asks. Shikamaru blinks. “How did you take the leap?”</p><p>“What?” Shikamaru asks. It dawns on him that Sasuke is, indeed, this stupid.</p><p>“You know what I mean,” Sasuke huffs in frustration. Shikamaru crosses his arms.</p><p>“No, I really do not.” Shikamaru tilts his head. “Weren’t you and Hinata shacked up for like, a year?” Sasuke blushes.</p><p>“I don’t mean Hinata, I mean with people knowing about your relationship.” Sasuke bites his lip, “how are you so okay with being in the world?”</p><p>“What a stupid question.” Of all the ridiculous things that he has to contend with, and there are so, <em>so</em> many, explaining emotional vulnerability to Uchiha Sasuke is up there with having to find a new trashy book series for Kakashi to read.</p><p>“Well, if I knew how to be different, I’d be different!” Sasuke raises his hands in exasperation, as if reaching towards the sun.</p><p>“How can you expect to be different when you do everything to remain the same?” Shikamaru asks. “If you are going to hole yourself up in here, instead of talking to Hinata, then you have no right to complain.” Sasuke gives Shikamaru a deeply unimpressed look. He shrugs in response. “It’s scary, taking the leap, but it’s not <em>hard</em>. It’s only as difficult as you make it out to be.”</p><p>With that, Shikamaru leaves the office and closes the door behind him. He sighs and thinks about dinner. He isn’t craving anything. He might just smoke a cigarette and go to sleep. Ino will usually make a one and half portion, and she will eat half and then either wake him up or put the food in the fridge for him to eat in the morning. It’s an effective system. Shikamaru knows this because he still walks among the living.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t know what he had expected, but Sasuke thought that Tenten and Sai would have figured it all out. Walking into training the next day, he had expected Sai to be in an improved mood. Hopefully not murderous. Sasuke doesn’t have the energy to defend his life today. He spent the whole night trying to figure out how to be different. He has to admit that Shikamaru is right. It really isn’t that hard. It is just scary.</p><p>Unfortunately for Sasuke, whatever happened between Tenten and Sai has only seemed to make things worse. There is no rest, or patience, or even civility. Sai just keeps coming and coming and coming. Block, block, block. That is all Sasuke can do. He is pretty sure that Sai doesn’t want to murder him, specifically. But Sai is definitely in the kind of mood where killing something would feel nice.</p><p>Sasuke decides to be a good friend in the best way that he knows how, and simply puts up with it. Until, eventually, Sai tries an actual kill strike and Sasuke has to leap out of the way.</p><p>“Sai,” he grunts, “what the <em>fuck</em> are you doing?” Sai stands up straight and blinks.</p><p>“Training,” he replies in a flat voice.</p><p>“Training,” Sasuke repeats. Sai nods. “I didn’t know that involved trying to kill me.” Sai shrugs.</p><p>“I figured you would appreciate it.” He drones. Sasuke wonders if Sai is joking.</p><p>“I’m still not having sex with Tenten.” Sasuke replies. Sai frowns and looks at the floor.</p><p>“I did,” he says quietly.</p><p><em>Oh great</em>, Sasuke thinks, <em>is this how Shikamaru felt talking to me yesterday?</em> He groans. “I’m guessing it didn’t change anything.” He doesn’t even bother asking. Sai nods.</p><p>“I can’t sleep with her anymore. I don’t even want to look at her.” He sighs, “I am going to put in a transfer in the next few weeks. I can’t look at her every day and not be with her. It’s not fair, and if she doesn’t want me, I have to move on.” Sai sheathes his tanto. “I won’t if I stay on the team.” Sasuke nods.</p><p>“I haven’t moved on,” he says quietly, “and I don’t even see Hinata every day.” Is it weird to be jealous of Sai for this reason? Because Sasuke really would like to see Hinata every day. <em>Still</em>.</p><p>“I told her, yesterday.” Sai’s voice is soft. “I miss her already.”</p><p>Perhaps transferring will simply reveal a new circle of hell, but Sai is so tired of feeling this way. All these intense emotions that refuse to come to heel, to be controlled. If this is what is means to be a person, humanity is an even greater burden than he had originally thought. He frowns and crosses his arms, like a child.</p><p>Sasuke sighs and sheathes his katana. “Sai?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Do you want to go do something?” Sasuke asks. Sai tilts his head.</p><p>“Like we’re friends?” he asks. Sasuke shrugs.</p><p>“Sure.” He smiles, “We don’t even have to invite Naruto and Sakura.” Sai smiles.</p><p>“I wonder if they will ever figure it out.” He says. Sasuke shrugs.</p><p>“We figured it out and look at how miserable we are.” He says, stretching.</p><p>“Huh,” Sai says, “maybe that’s the secret: don’t figure it out.”</p><p>It’s rare that Sai properly and intentionally lands a punch line, but when he does, he makes it count. Sasuke bends over, laughing. Sai smiles.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Tenten sits on a bench across from the academy, waiting for Chouji and Lee to come out during lunch. She misses them, and she can’t look anyone on her team in the eye. She feels so much shame for what she did to Sai. It is easily the worst thing she ever did, pressing his hand down to her throat like that after she broke his heart into tiny, tiny pieces. And she has <em>murdered</em> people.</p><p>Guilt is a horrible feeling, but it a fraction of the harm you did to the other person. Tenten feels so bad, that when Neji sits down next to her, she doesn’t even flinch. She deserves to be punished, and if this is how the gods chose to do it, who is she to question their judgement?</p><p>Neji is stiff, and she can tell that he feels awkward. “Hello,” he says softly.</p><p>“Hi,” her voice is flat and disinterested. He frowns. It’s been like this for months. Neji has never before considered Tenten to be capable of holding a grudge. Maybe love does change people, but not in the ways you expect.</p><p>“We don’t talk anymore,” he says, “does that bother you?” Tenten shrugs.</p><p>“I don’t have much to say.” She replies. Neji gives her a hard look, but she ignores him, staring ahead.</p><p>Sai had always explained their team structure like so: monkeys and snakes kill each other, eagles can kill monkeys and snakes, and wolves can kill them all. Neji is their captain for the sole reason that, even three on one, there is a very real chance that he would win. Tenten is only ranked above Sai and Sasuke because her function on the team is to keep an eye on them. Sure, Kakashi cares about them but neither does he want to have to put in the time and money into training another Sai and Sasuke. Better to just make sure nothing happens to the old ones.</p><p>Neji is also a wolf because he is a Hyuuga, and they are all wolves. A Hyuuga couldn’t exist without another Hyuuga. Therefore, no matter what, Neji will always be himself. If he doesn’t know that it kills her to be apart from Sai by now, he will never figure it out. He is incapable of the self-reflection required to change.</p><p>She has nothing to say to him because every time he calls on her, all she can feel is the knife he asked her to stick into her own side. So, she sits and out silences him. She doesn’t even turn her head to watch him walk away.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>One of the few joys in Kakashi’s miserable life is having Sasuke escort Naruto places. Or, at least, that’s what Sasuke thinks. On the other hand, it could very easily be the case that Naruto begs and pleads with Kakashi to have Sasuke accompany him on errands. Naruto always complains about how they never see each other as much as they ought to. Right now, Naruto is babbling on and on about this bar he wants Sai and Sasuke to go to with him.</p><p>“Sai is free this Saturday,” Naruto hums, Sasuke trudging beside him.</p><p>“Good for him.” Sasuke replies. They are going to T&amp;I so that Naruto can pick up a report. Sasuke’s gut is in knots, and to be honest, he feels like a nervous wreck. Since his conversation with Shikamaru, all he has been able to think about is how to be different. He wants Hinata back, and he is pretty sure that she wants him to. It’s simply a matter of figuring out how to get from A to B.</p><p>Well, less a matter of finding the path and more about the guts to do it. <em>When did I become such a coward? </em>Sasuke stuffs his hands into his pockets.</p><p>“Naruto,” he says, “can I ask you a question?” Naruto blinks.</p><p>“Of course,” he smiles.</p><p>“What is it like, taking the leap?” Sasuke asks. Naruto scrunches up his face and ponders the question.</p><p>“The leap?”</p><p>“You know,” Sasuke wobbles his head from side to side, trying to be nonchalant. “The leap towards being with someone.” He can tell that he has only confused Naruto further.</p><p>“You’ve had sex before, right?” he asks. Sasuke groans.</p><p>“I mean, how do you go about being vulnerable with someone? Emotionally.” Sasuke looks at Naruto, who gives him a funny look.</p><p>“You want to be vulnerable?”</p><p>“Yes,” Sasuke grits his teeth as he replies. Naruto grins.</p><p>“Is it for a <em>girl</em>?” Naruto asks in a teasing voice. Sasuke considers lying, but he supposes his new thing is, ostensibly, honesty.</p><p>“Yes.” He says quietly. Naruto smirks. It always feels good when he can get Sasuke to admit something he doesn’t want to share. Like he’s won something.</p><p>“Vulnerability is one of those things where is just isn’t optional at a certain point.” Naruto says this like it is the most self-evident thing in the world. There are many times when Sasuke wonders how he was the one who knew his mother and father, not Naruto. More often than not, Naruto is the one who seems like he was raised by parents, and Sasuke the one left to his own devices.</p><p>“How do you when it’s past that point?” Sasuke asks. They are almost at T&amp;I. Naruto gives him a strange look.</p><p>“Probably when you are asking me and Shikamaru for advice.” He grins. Sasuke scrunches his face.</p><p>“He told you?!” Sasuke can’t help how sharp his voice is. Naruto smirks.</p><p>“Did you really kiss Hinata with that mouth?” he whispers, chuckling to himself at the strangled noise Sasuke makes. <em>He makes it too easy</em>, Naruto thinks. Smiling to himself, he opens the door.</p><p>For a second, he wonders if he has come to the right place. The lights are off, and all Naruto can hear is a drawling voice coming from a small, portable television. From the glow of the screen, he can see Hinata, Ino and Ibiki sitting around the desk, watching the television intently. When Naruto flips the lights on, Ino and Ibiki scowl while Hinata gives him a blank stare. Sasuke comes to stand behind Naruto, and his eyes flicker to Hinata.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” Ino asks, arms crossed. Hinata sips an iced coffee. Ibiki leans forward to turn the television off, but not before it registers to both Naruto and Sasuke that they were watching a show about people who believe they were abducted by aliens. What they don’t know is that Ibiki, Ino and Hinata will watch a whole host of different shows during the day: true crime, unsolved mysteries, aliens, talk shows, court TV—that kind of thing.</p><p>Ibiki gives them a look of disinterest, and Hinata and Ino both have the gift of being absent in their presence.</p><p>“<em>Why</em> are you three watching shows about alien abductions?” Naruto asks.</p><p>“Culture,” Ibiki says, “it is culture, Naruto.” Sasuke snorts while Naruto rubs the back of his head.</p><p>“Isn’t this exploitative?” Sasuke asks.</p><p>“You see exploitation, I see entertainment.” Ino purrs. Hinata merely blinks at Sasuke. It makes his jaw tick, because he wants to get a rise out of her, but he doesn’t want to push his luck with Ibiki.</p><p>“Shouldn’t you three be defending the free world?” he drawls. Ino frowns at him, as if he were especially stupid.</p><p>“We don’t live in a free world.” She says, standing up and stretching. Ibiki nods and stands as well, walking into his office. He has judged this to be beneath him. Sasuke can’t blame him. He watches the door close as Naruto walks over to Ino and Hinata.</p><p>“How are you two today?” Naruto asks, beaming. Hinata smiles, sipping her iced coffee.</p><p>“Just perfect,” Hinata says softly. Her eyes flick over to Sasuke, who is looking at her as he bites his lip. “And you, Naruto? Sasuke?” Hinata looks at Sasuke the whole time.</p><p>“Oh, I’m fine,’ Naruto says with a shrug. “Kakashi said there was a report for us to pick up.”</p><p>“Hinata, weren’t you working on it?” Ino asks. Hinata simply nods, and Ino narrows her eyes at her. Hinata is quiet, but she isn’t subdued. She gets up and walks to her desk, and Ino frowns.</p><p>“So, Naruto, how are you today?” Ino asks in a distracted tone. Naruto tilts his head.</p><p>“Good, I guess.” He shrugs. “I’m trying to get Sasuke to come with Sai and I to a new bar on Saturday. Maybe one of you could convince him to go have some fun.” He smiles, and Ino sighs. Naruto is a hero, but he still has moments where he is especially stupid.</p><p>“Sasuke, are you even physically capable of having fun?” Ino asks. Sasuke is too busy watching Hinata to really pay attention to their conversation. He grunts, knowing enough to be insulted but not enough to really care.</p><p>Hinata walks back across the room with the report. She holds the scroll out and away from her. She is hyper self-conscious. She doesn’t want to interact with Sasuke, because he would know that she still cares. On the other hand, he is the one standing closer to her, and if she moved past him to Naruto, everyone would definitely know that she was the opposite of indifferent. She holds the scroll out, so she can maintain some distance, if only physical.</p><p>Intuiting this, Sasuke simply holds his hand out. She wordlessly drops the scroll into his palm, looking up into his dark eyes. They blink at each other, and in a split second, she has turned her back and walked over to her desk. Sitting back down, she pulls out a file and returns to editing another report. This is the best Hinata can do, the closest she can come to indifference. It’s hard to do in the face of someone you still love, someone who hit your cervix.</p><p>Sasuke has a sad look in his eyes. His fingers clench around the scroll. Naruto frowns, but before he can say anything, Ino dismisses him and Sasuke. When they are both gone, Ino walks over to where Hinata is and sits on her desk.</p><p>“Hinata,” Ino says, “why did you act like that?”</p><p>“Like what?” Hinata blinks. Ino frowns.</p><p>“You didn’t act like yourself,” she says. “You were just silent and made things awkward.” Hinata sighs.</p><p>“I am aware, Ino.” She picks up a piece of paper.</p><p>“You definitely aren’t over him.” Ino crosses a leg over the other, not moving from the desk.</p><p>“I know,” Hinata says. Drumming her fingers on the table, Ino decides to lean down to put her face right in front of Hinata. She backs away as Ino stares into her eyes intently.</p><p>“You were never like this to Naruto,” Ino drawls, “<em>why?</em>”</p><p>It is generally well-known that Hinata was in love with Naruto for, at a conservative estimate, the first nineteen years of her life. They had broken up amicably, but Hinata’s feelings had been unmistakably single-minded and intense. But Hinata never, not ever, in the aftermath of that break up, tried to act with indifference. If anything, she and Naruto were even kinder to each other. It had been annoying to watch at the time, but now Ino regrets ever wishing that Hinata would act with more spite.</p><p>Because Sasuke deserves a lot of not nice things, but it is cruel to treat someone you love with indifference, even if it is a front.</p><p>“Naruto is different,” Hinata replies. He was a sweet first boyfriend, everything a parent would want: emotionally present, caring. Sasuke, in comparison, is a nightmare. He is inappropriate at the worst times, a neat freak and grumpy. But in his defense, he is also the best lay. Naruto never made the soap he uses smell nicer on him than in the box, nor did he ever tell Hinata to just spit in front of him, nor did he ever fuck an “I love you” out of her. It’s not that Naruto is inherently flawed, it’s simply that, like all other men, his chief flaw is that he isn’t Sasuke.</p><p>Hinata has come to the conclusion that Sasuke has left a mark inside her, perhaps a lesion on her brain, that prevents her from wanting anyone but him. So no, she isn’t going to act naturally when the person who makes her feel like the stories are real and soulmates are possible, comes into her office to pick up a report.</p><p>“How is Naruto different?” Ino asks. Hinata blinks.</p><p>“The chemistry is different,” Hinata says, “Naruto doesn’t make my brain screwy.” Ino snorts.</p><p>“A screwy brain?” she asks. Hinata nods.</p><p>Ino smirks and stands up. She walks over to Ibiki’s office to tell him that Sasuke and Naruto are gone just in time for that talk show they like to hate watch. <em>Today’s episode is about a woman with a sister who thinks she has been pregnant for nine years!</em></p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Sakura is making her horrible food pills. Sai is sitting in the kitchen, drawing while she prepares them. It gives the kitchen a particular funk, but it’s nice to be with her. He can tell that he has been really worrying her. It makes him feel bad, because Sakura has so many intense feelings that none of them are really able to understand. She really should have best friends who are more like her. Sai frowns at his drawing. He is a deformity, Sasuke is a malcontent and Naruto is just so clueless sometimes. He is surprised that she enjoys their company. Maybe she needs her brain checked.</p><p>Sakura turns to look over her shoulder, and frowns when she sees Sai. “How are you feeling Sai?”</p><p>“How do I look?” he asks in a small voice.</p><p>“In all honesty?” she sighs, “you look miserable.” Sai frowns.</p><p>“Always observant.” He deadpans. Sakura’s mouth straightens, and her forehead wrinkles.</p><p>“You’re not usually so rude.” She says, “you sound like Sasuke.” Sai puts his drawing on the table and places his hands on his lap.</p><p>“Sorry,” he says, “it’s just…what do you do with feelings you don’t want anymore?” Sakura blinks at him.</p><p>“Excuse me?”</p><p>“Where can you put them? All the things that hurt?” Sai is desperate. He would give anything, short of his friends’ lives, to know the peace emotional indifference can bring. Tenten has shattered his ability to feel indifferent about anything, anymore.</p><p>Sensing this, Sakura sighs. “It’s just a part of having feelings, Sai. You just have to feel them all. You can’t avoid feeling bad. It happens. If it didn’t, you wouldn’t be a full person.”</p><p>“Was I not a full person in Root?” he asks, knowing the answer.</p><p>“If you weren’t whole, you wouldn’t have decided to change,” Sakura says, “but you wouldn’t be a person if you actually numbed yourself out to feelings you don’t like having.”</p><p>She turns back to her cooking, and he can tell that she has decided that this conversation is over. He wouldn’t want to have to repeatedly explain very simple principles of human emotion to Sai, Sasuke or Naruto either. Granted, Naruto was more thoughtless and unfocused, while Sai is the first to cop to having a callous streak. Sasuke likes to pretend that he doesn’t have any problems.</p><p>Sai often wonders: out of the three of them, who does Sakura regard as her greatest failure? He used to take a smug satisfaction in believing that it couldn’t be him, because she beats Naruto up more and she always looks at Sasuke with regret. But Sai is beginning to think that it might just be the case that he, himself, is the one she can’t actually fix.</p><p> </p><p>                                                                            **</p><p> </p><p>When Sasuke comes barging into Tenten’s apartment, she was in the middle of getting dressed. While cursing him out, she threw on the first shirt she could dig out of her drawer. It is white, semi-sheer, and while billowy it drapes nicely. Any other day, and Sasuke would have smirked at the sight of her nipples. But he doesn’t care.</p><p>If their time together was a song, he is pretty sure that it would be the kind that sad, drunk girls listen to while gripping a bottle of wine in bed, wearing ratty underwear and a giant t-shirt they stole from a man who doesn’t talk to them anymore. Has Sasuke listened to Sheryl Crow’s “If it Makes You Happy” a few times, drinking beer while taking a bath, and thought of Hinata? Yes, <em>and what of it?</em></p><p>But Sasuke has decided that he is going to be better, so that means Tenten has to get better as well. “Ten,” he says, “you are officially being an asshole to Sai.” She blinks, walking over to her bed.</p><p>“I know,” she climbs onto the bed and lies on her stomach. He blinks, not expecting her to be so self-aware, so quickly. He always forgets that every person is complex, with conflicting desires and beliefs.</p><p>“Do you want to be with him?” Sasuke asks, his hands on his hips. Tenten gives him a strange look.</p><p>“More than anything.”</p><p>“So why aren’t you two together?” Sasuke bites his lip. Tenten’s mouth twists. “You have to decide, because this whole either/or thing is really messing with his head.”</p><p>“I chose Anbu,” she says quietly, “I don’t think I can go back and make another decision.”</p><p>“Is being in Anbu worth it without Sai? Because you seem pretty miserable.” Sasuke says. She frowns.</p><p>“Why are we talking about this?” she asks, “as if I can change anything.”</p><p>“You can change,” Sasuke exclaims, “you can be different. You don’t have to choose misery. Neji royally pissed off Kakashi and Shikamaru when he suspended you. There is no way he can fire you over being with Sai.” Tenten frowns.</p><p>“How can Sai ever trust me again?” she asks, looking up at Sasuke. He sighs.</p><p>“He still trusts you. He wouldn’t love you if he didn’t trust you.” Sasuke rubs the back of his head, “take it from someone who is sort of like him.” Tenten nods.</p><p>“Okay,” she says. She hasn’t really changed her mind, but she knows that this is one of those conversations that is actually Sasuke projecting his problems onto her.</p><p>“At least, stop being such an indecisive jerk to Sai. He nearly broke my arm in training.” Sasuke pouts. Tenten snorts.</p><p>“And there is the self-interest,” she rolls to the end of her bed, and stands up, walking to the fridge. “Beer?” Sasuke shrugs.</p><p>“I won’t say no.”</p><p>“Good,” she opens the fridge. “Have you ever heard of bad faith?” Sasuke snorts.</p><p>“Oh, the thing when you don’t live your life authentically?”</p><p>“Yes—exactly.” Tenten pulls out two cans of beer and tosses one to Sasuke. “It’s like self-betrayal, right?”</p><p>“Well, yeah, if you believe authenticity is real, which it isn’t.” Sasuke pulls the tab on his beer and takes a sip. Tenten rolls her eyes.</p><p>“Well, I read about it and it got me thinking—is it Sai or Anbu that puts me in bad faith?” she asks. He blinks.</p><p>“You think that it is Sai or Anbu’s fault that you are living without authenticity?” he snorts. “Ten, the whole point of bad faith is that you are responsible for the decisions you make and for how your life turns out. It’s not Sai or Anbu, it is <em>you</em>who is responsible for your life. You’re not just being an asshole to Sai if living your life without him is self-betrayal.” Sasuke grins, sipping his beer. It is rare that people hand you the answers to their problems on a platter like that.</p><p>Not to be outdone, Tenten narrows her eyes. “So, is living without Hinata because you couldn’t vulnerable is another example of one of us betraying ourselves, right?” Sasuke frowns.</p><p>“Yes.” He pauses, “but I am going to change.</p><p>“When?” she asks.</p><p>“What do you mean, when?”</p><p>“When will you change and stop living in bad faith?” Tenten asks. Sasuke presses his mouth into a line, frowning.</p><p>“As soon as I figure out how.” He says. Tenten rolls her eyes.</p><p>“Bull shit. She’s more obvious than Sai,” Tenten sips her beer, “and Sai is obvious.” Anyone with eyes can see how much Hinata and Sasuke want each other. Even Naruto figured it out.</p><p>Sasuke frowns. “I’m trying to change myself. The problem is with <em>me</em>, not her.” He sips his beer. “Ten, all your interpersonal problems will be solved when you figure out that you have agency in the things that happen to you.” He walks over to her window to look out.</p><p>Instead of answering, Tenten sips her beer. It bubbles in her stomach, and it makes her feel dumb instead of happy or sleepy. Sasuke leaves without finishing his beer, promising that he would come kick her ass back in gear if she kept betraying herself. <em>I just want you to be happy</em>, he smirked as she gave him the middle finger.</p><p>Hoping an orgasm would make her feel better, she masturbates for an hour. She is unable to orgasm but equally unable to forget how Sai makes her feel. Even her body is in bad faith, because no one else arouses her but neither can she find relief.</p><p>This is hell.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Sasuke sits back in the chair, bouncing his heel off the floor. He knows he needs to change, but he doesn’t know how. He isn’t a psychologist, but even he knows you don’t shrink back from love if you actually like yourself. So here he is, sitting across from Rin, deciding he is going to get better. </p><p>It is easier said than done, but the first step is…well, he isn’t sure. Admitting there is a problem seems too easy. Sasuke is painfully self-aware, and he has known there was a problem since he was seven, and he is twenty-five now.</p><p>He is so old that his problems could vote in an election.</p><p>Sasuke looks up at Rin, who is giving him a look that says that she is waiting for him to speak first. He nods, nervous. She blinks, and smiles. He inhales, telling himself to keep breathing. Rin is literally paid to listen to his problems.</p><p>“I think I’m ready to talk.” He says, voice shaking. “I want to change.” Rin nods her head.</p><p>“Speak.” She makes it all sound so easy. Like all he has to do is open his mouth. Sasuke bites the inside of his cheek.</p><p>“It’s hard being vulnerable. Everyone wants something from me, but no one has ever wanted <em>me</em>.” He pauses, scrunching his forehead. “I miss my family. They weren’t perfect, but they loved me. They just wanted me to be me…and I really have a hard time understanding why Itachi chose me over them.” Sasuke frowns. He doesn’t want to cry. It is unbecoming, and people like him, people who have willfully hurt other people, aren’t allowed to cry.</p><p>Rin narrows her eyes. “Why wouldn’t you be worth it?” Sasuke presses his lips together.</p><p>“Because I’m just me.” He says softly. “I was just seven. I wasn’t even a genius yet. I wasn’t worth anything to anyone.” Rin’s eyes soften, and she puts her notepad down on her lap. She takes her glasses off, and wipes her eyes, before she speaks.</p><p>“We all have choices. All the adults in your life, your parents, Orochimaru, Kakashi, Danzo: they all had choices, and they made them. Your brother was a child. He was extraordinarily talented, but he was a child, backed into a corner by someone who should have known better.” Rin breathes, like she has to calm herself down before she continues.</p><p>“I cannot condone what your brother did, but I can tell you why. Love is particular; it is about choosing another person above all others. Itachi was a child, so we can’t pretend that he had full agency. But he chose you, because he loves you.”</p><p>“He made a choice we all make every day. Why one girl over another, why be friends with one person and not another, why do we choose one person at the expense of others? Because one person comes<em> before</em> all others. It isn’t perfect, and it was catastrophic in the case of your brother. But he was eleven years old, a child himself, and you are his baby brother, the person he protects above all else, and he would do it again, knowing what he did when he died. You are not responsible. You do not share his guilt.”</p><p>“Sasuke, I have wanted to tell you this since you first walked into my office. It is my sincerest belief that Itachi wants you to be free, for you to live your life with the love he felt for you.” Rin pauses, and Sasuke can see the tears in her eyes, and his own eyes sting. “Kakashi and Naruto argued for your freedom because they agree with me and your brother. You were a child. We all know you were just a kid. Please, listen to me, believe me when I say this on the behalf of all four of us. You are free—from guilt. You are free to be happy, Sasuke.” Rin reaches for a tissue to blow her noise, and Sasuke blinks, trying to keep himself from crying.</p><p>“I’m really free?” he asks, not believing her. Rin smiles, and nods.</p><p>“You are free.” She says. “You are free to be happy.” A weight has been lifted. Sasuke breathes in. The last time he felt free was when he left for the academy the morning Itachi decided to murder their whole clan. It is then that the tears spring forth, falling down his face. <em>I am free, I am free, I am free</em>. Rin hands him the box of tissues, and he takes a few.</p><p>“So why do you want to change, Sasuke?” Rin blinks, and her mouth curves into a gentle smile. Sasuke blows his nose, looking at his snot in the tissue while he thinks. He folds the tissue to wipe his tears away.</p><p>“I want to…I want to be the kind of person who Hinata can love.” Rin blinks.</p><p>“She already loves you, Sasuke.” She smiles, “Hinata knew you were loveable before you did.” Sasuke shakes his head.</p><p>“No, I want to be the kind of person who can hold her hand in public and be vulnerable.” Sasuke blinks. “I want to feel like I am allowed to be happy in a world without my family.” Rin nods her head.</p><p>“What would Itachi tell you?” Rin asks, “if he were here, what would he want to say to you?” Sasuke blinks. His brother’s last words are seared on his heart.</p><p>“That he will always love me, no matter what.” Sasuke blinks.</p><p>“He said that.” Rin blinks. “What would he say, if you asked him whether or not you were allowed to be happy and in love in a world without him living in it?” Rin waits for him to figure it out.</p><p>The answer feels like his heart is being ripped out. “Itachi would say,” Sasuke tears up, “that it’s okay to love her. That she is a good thing. That it is okay to want her back. That I should smile more.” Sasuke looks down at his lap, before squeezing his eyes shut. The tears burn, but it’s the good kind of pain that makes you feel more alive.</p><p>“So, what is there to do?” Rin asks the question, and Sasuke hears Itachi in his head.</p><p>“He would tell me that being vulnerable isn’t as hard as I make it out to be,” Sasuke opens his eyes, looking at Rin. “He would tell me to go be happy, and in love, because that’s why he chose me.” Sasuke shudders. “He chose me because he wanted me to be <em>happy</em>.” Sasuke collapses in on himself.</p><p>With his head in his hands, he openly sobs. He cries for his dead clan, murdered parents, his poor brother, himself. Sasuke cries for Sakura, who he nearly killed, for Kakashi, whose gift he would have used as the weapon, for Naruto who always believed in him despite everything. From this deep, untapped well of empathy, he sobs for Neji and his dead father, for Tenten and Sai who will never be happy without each other.</p><p>He cries for all the dead fathers and mothers and brothers. He cries for the living, too, who aren’t free from the dead and never will be. He cries for all the plans and dreams that died. For all the time spent delaying, saying <em>later</em> not knowing that later would never come.</p><p>Sasuke cries for the hurt look in Hinata eyes when she told him to leave, for the guarded way she looks at him when their paths cross. For the first time, he fully realizes how much it hurt her for him to hide their relationship. He can now empathize with the way it must have felt for the person you love to most to refuse any public acknowledgement of your relationship. It isn’t murder, but it must have felt like it. And finally, Sasuke cries because he is being reborn, as he will leave this office new, and strong, and ready to try and change.</p><p>For he has always been free, and now he accepts it.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>When Sai had agreed to go to the bar with Naruto on Saturday, he thought, at most, Sasuke or Shikamaru would be there. Never, in a million years, did Sai think he would end up at a table with Naruto and Sakura sitting across from each other, <em>evidently figuring things out</em>, while Sai sat across from Hinata. The two of them make eye contact every time Naruto and Sakura do something that makes both Sai and Hinata desperately wish that they weren’t there.</p><p>It’s really hard to watch two people do the push-pull dance when you already know what deep soul love feels like when it is there and after it has gone. Sai wants to snap and tell them not to waste time. He is pretty sure that Hinata would like to do the same.</p><p>When they get to drink three, and Naruto and Sakura are clearly only going to lean forward and pay attention to each other, Hinata winks at Sai and he can tell that she is about to rescue the two of them. She says that she is really tired, like, seriously drained, and that she thinks she ought to go home. Without skipping a beat, Sai insists on walking her home, and<em>would you look at the time</em>, he is so tired that he won’t be able to come back. <em>Have fun!</em></p><p>When they are both out of the bar, and Sai turns to Hinata. “I am forever in your debt.” He says, and she smiles.</p><p>“I think Sakura knew Naruto would be there.” She says, “it’s cute, watching them.”</p><p>“Only for the first five minutes.” Sai replies, hands in his pockets. “Anything more, and it gets annoying.” They walk in silence for a little bit, both looking on the ground. The truth is, they have both been feeling a little lonely.</p><p>“You know, I’m not actually tired,” Hinata says. Sai nods.</p><p>“Neither am I,” he says. “Do you want to hang out for a bit?”</p><p>“That would be nice,” she smiles. “Do you want to get a popsicle or something?”</p><p>“A popsicle?” Sai smiles, “couldn’t hurt.”</p><p>“It may almost be pleasurable.” Hinata replies.</p><p>“Just almost,” he says, looking around for the nearest convenience store. He points one out and they both walk over to it, Hinata hugging herself tight and Sai with a determined look on his face. They are going to salvage their evening. Hinata picks out a lime popsicle, and Sai gets one shaped like a ghost. It tastes like some sort of fruit; probably a mix of several different flavors. They sit on a bench, and they don’t talk for the first little bit.</p><p>Sai is wearing a black, button down jacket and trousers, and Hinata is wearing one of her white sundresses. They have the Victorian ghost child look down, except Hinata’s tongue is a neon green. Sai thinks it is cute, if not a little ridiculous.</p><p>“How is your popsicle?” Hinata asks. Sai licks his upper lip.</p><p>“Delicious,” Sai replies, “it doesn’t taste like anything in particular. It’s nice.” He makes a slurping sound, and Hinata giggles. “What?”</p><p>“That was a funny noise.” She says gently, “I didn’t think you were capable of something like that.” Sai gives her a confused look.</p><p>“No one thinks I’m a human being,” he frowns, “no one but Tenten.” Hinata gives him a soft look.</p><p>“That’s not what I meant,” she says, “you’re simply a very put together person. It’s hard to picture you slurping.” Grateful for her kindness, Sai chooses to believe Hinata.</p><p>“You’re very kind,” he says, “it’s hard to picture you torturing people with Ino.”  </p><p>“It’s more of a loud versus quiet cop,” Hinata says softly, “it is disorienting in interrogations. We don’t really torture unless we have to.” She looks beside herself. In all honesty, her job depresses her. But it is for the good of the village, and even though everyone says it, it still means something to her. Besides, Sasuke’s team is deployed based on intelligence she gathers. For his sake alone, it can’t be anything but perfect.</p><p>She bites her lip, thinking about him. “Your team uses a lot of my reports.” The chaos at the border has been her and Ino’s special project for the past two years. Sai nods.</p><p>“It’s a good thing you like Neji as much as you do. Your information has really helped in the past.” He smiles. Hinata looks out straight ahead, pressing her mouth into a line.</p><p>“I worry for him.” She says softly, and Sai is sure that it isn’t Neji.</p><p>“Everyone knew,” he says, “and if it makes you feel better, I think he is trying to be different. Give him time; it’s hard to believe in love and vulnerability when the people who made you, for whatever reason, don’t exist or where taken away. Even if they were bad parents, and Sasuke’s were not.” Hinata nods. She can’t say that she loves her dad, but she can’t imagine what it would be like to live without him.</p><p>“I wanted people to know for a lot of reasons, but,” she says softly, “I wanted to be the person who would get the call if anything happened. It was horrible, and it still is, waiting to know if he is okay.” Sai tilts his head, looking at her with one of his thoughtful expressions.</p><p>“I’ll tell you if something happens to Sasuke,” he says. Hinata looks up at him with a grateful look. “I’ll tell you if anything were to happen to Neji, too. Sasuke is fragile when it comes to brothers and Tenten is fragile when it comes to Neji.” Sai doesn’t know how it happened, but he is probably the member on his team who is best equipped to deal with unimaginable loss. Maybe because he lives with it, every day, at the forefront of his mind. His brother, Tenten; he thinks about them all the time. Tenten can’t remember her parents, Neji doesn’t think about his dad like Sasuke doesn’t think about his brother.</p><p>Hinata smiles at Sai. “I always told Sasuke that you love him. At the time, I wasn’t sure, but now I know.” Sai looks at her with surprise.</p><p>“I love him?” he never thought about it.</p><p>“You wouldn’t do things like this for him if you didn’t love him.” Her smile fades. “I miss him.” Sai knows the feeling.</p><p>“I miss Tenten.” He blinks, “I see her every day. I can’t imagine how it would feel not to see her at all.” Hinata smooths her skirt with her hand.</p><p>“It is hell,” she replies quietly. “Going without him.” To be honest, she would barely call it living. Sai frowns.</p><p>“I slept with her, a few times. Does that make me a bad person?” Sai has wondered since she put his hand over her throat. Hinata sighs and shakes her head.</p><p>“It makes you normal,” she says, “everyone makes toxic decisions sometimes. It’s what you do after that matters.” Sai nods.</p><p>“I think I want to put in a transfer.” He confesses, “but I keep putting off the paperwork.” Hinata nods.</p><p>“It’s hard committing to a decision like that,” she says, “when you don’t really want to do it.” Sai licks his popsicle.</p><p>“Maybe if I keep saying I will do it, I can find the resolve,” he says. “I’ve been thinking about getting a cat.”</p><p>“They’re sweet,” Hinata says, “what kind of cat?” Sai shrugs.</p><p>“I’ll know them when I see them.” He nibbles his popsicle. “I don’t think it is the right time. I’m away a lot for work.”</p><p>“I can take care of it while you’re gone.” She says, licking her popsicle. “My family had a cat, growing up.” Sai smiles.</p><p>“I’ll keep that in mind. I don’t think there is a point in having a pet if you won’t be there to spend time with it.” He says. Hinata shrugs.</p><p>“My offer still stands,” she says, sucking on her popsicle.</p><p>While the two of them sit on the bench, watching people walk around in the night, Sasuke and Tenten are walking up the street. When she spots Hinata and Sai, Tenten puts her arm out to stop him. She points to the bench, and Sasuke blinks.</p><p>“They’re probably just friends,” he says, “like us.”</p><p>“Then why does it feel like we’ve stepping into a horrible, alternate dimension?” Tenten asks. Sasuke frowns.</p><p>“Sai isn’t over you, and Hinata isn’t cruel.” He says, “what would they even talk about?”</p><p>“They just match; you know?” Tenten crosses her arms. Sasuke tucks his hands into his pockets.</p><p>“They aren’t superficial like that,” he drawls, “we shouldn’t jump to conclusions.” Tenten looks up at him.</p><p>“You’re really trying to change.” She smiles at him. He rolls his eyes.</p><p>“Someone around here has to, eventually.” He sighs. “But we should go back. I don’t really want to watch this either.” It hurts. He quite honestly can’t picture Sai and Hinata, but he knows that the more he sees, the likelier it is that he will fixate.</p><p>“Okay,” she says, turning around. Sasuke resists taking one last look, before he turns away.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Sai sits in the lounge, drinking a coffee, early to work. Neji sits across from him, eyes closed. Sai doesn’t yet have the resolve to tell Neji that he wants to transfer, but he hopes that talking to him will help get closer.</p><p>“Do you remember when we talked about conspiracy theories?” Sai asks. Neji opens his eyes, and blinks.</p><p>“You mean the chemtrail conspiracy?” he asks. Sai nods. Neji shrugs. “It was tame, compared to the time Tenten and Lee got into the lizard people.” Sai tilts his head.</p><p>“The lizard people?” Sai asks. Neji yawns.</p><p>“It is so stupid. Basically, all world leaders are this secret, humanoid race of reptiles. I didn’t pay much attention.” He says. There are times where Neji wishes that he had participated more in his team discussions, but quite frankly, it would have rotted his brain. He doesn’t know how Tenten can be so sensible and levelheaded, while entertaining so many ridiculous things, like ghosts, astrology and conspiracy theories. “One time, Tenten and Lee debated whether or not Mars is real.”</p><p>“What?” Sai asks, eyes wide.</p><p>“Don’t worry, Tenten thinks Mars is real,” Neji says. “But it was ridiculous to watch.”</p><p>“Do you think our team should try and make more memories like that?” Sai asks. He wants to leave, but he also wants to be closer. Neji tilts his head.</p><p>“You want our team to debate the merits of conspiracy theories?” he asks. It must be true: Neji is the last sane man. Sai presses his mouth into a line.</p><p>“It doesn’t have to be conspiracy theories,” he tilts his head. “It would just be nice for us all to be able to talk again.” Neji hates to admit it, but the months that Tenten and Sai were together are probably when they all got along the best.</p><p>“It would be nice.” Neji replies, and Sai smiles, because that is all he wanted Neji to admit.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>One citation:</p><p>"Fellow feeling" is the google definition verbatim.</p><p>I'll fix typos eventually (my computer incident has shaken me to my core)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. A Day at the Beach</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ars erotica and a man under the moon</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em>“So we spent what was left of our serotonin/ to chew on our cheeks and stare at the moon”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Phoebe Bridgers, “Graceland Too”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tenten’s forehead is pressed against the window, watching as the countryside blows past. She is sitting in Sakura’s father’s pick-up truck. It is beige, with a big silver grill on the front. Sakura is driving, while Ino is in the front passenger seat. Hinata sits behind Ino, sipping a coffee. Tenten looks over at her friends. Sakura and Ino are babbling about the <em>totally fun</em> time they are all going to have. Hinata blinks and drinks her coffee, while Tenten sighs and looks out the window.</p><p>Sakura had barged into Tenten’s apartment this morning and forced her to wake up and pack a bag for the night. Tenten was barely conscious, so Sakura did most of the packing while Tenten got dressed. Ino’s family owns a beach house a few hours away, and Sakura’s dad agreed to lend her the truck, so the three of them plus Hinata are going to go spend a day at the beach. Tenten had yawned and pulled on a pair of shorts and t-shirt. She didn’t even bother putting her hair up.</p><p>When she climbed in to the truck, Hinata was already there, sipping a coffee while Ino was eating a banana. The truck is old, and Sakura has to turn the wheel left to right while turning the key back and forth in order for it to start. It took a minute, but the engine started and Ino started crowing about the music they were going to listen to. She turned her head and asked if Tenten or Hinata had any preferences, but Tenten shrugged and Hinata just blinked. Ino puffed her cheeks and slumped back into her seat.</p><p>Ino and Sakura are doing this because Hinata and Tenten haven’t been themselves recently. It has been five months since Tenten and Sai had broken up, and six since Hinata had dumped Sasuke (although Hinata had only recently been able to admit that last bit). The point is that it is time for Sakura and Ino to gently encourage their friends to start living their lives.</p><p>“You know, we will be so far away from Konoha that you don’t need to hide your tattoo,” Ino turns to Tenten. Suddenly, the ink makes her arm burn. She also won’t be with any member of her Anbu team. It will look like a random symbol without meaning. She has started putting her palm over her tattoo when she is lonely, which is funny because she also avoids looking at it in mirrors. Grief makes the heart do funny things. If it weren’t for Sasuke or her active status, she probably would have skinned her arm, trying to get rid of it. Through her friendship with Sasuke, it has one good association.</p><p>Before answering, she puts her hand over the tattoo, as if it were a bleeding wound. “I wonder what people will think it is.” She smiles, and for a moment, the old Tenten is there in her smile. Ino shrugs, says a sun, or a fireball. <em>That’s the point,</em> Tenten thinks. <em>It is a symbol of overwhelming, precise and catastrophic force</em>.</p><p>Hinata looks out the window. They have been on the road for two and a half hours. She had forgotten that Tenten had the same tattoo as Sasuke. Hinata wonders if Tenten has seen his curse mark. Has she too put her mouth to it? Felt the ridges, the scar under her lips, how it tastes no different but feels alien, like it isn’t a part of the rest of him. She could feel how he had attempted to reject it. His body accepted the Anbu ink; it is smooth, no scarring. But the person who put it in him wanted it to heal properly. Orochimaru had done a rush job and Sasuke had resisted. Does Tenten know what that kind of resistance, that terror feels like under her tongue? Hinata has been assured that they aren’t sleeping together, but she doesn’t <em>know</em>.</p><p>The worst is that she can’t even hate them. They look natural together, and they spend all their time with each other. Like they belong together. She would rather lose him to another woman than to death or hatred or him moving away. He would still be close, and she could see him be happy. It’s all she wants. For Sasuke to know a semblance of peace, for him to stop looking over his shoulder. She still loves him, viscerally, and she has accepted that it may be forever. But she dumped him. She can’t judge him for how he wishes to move on with his life.</p><p>She doesn’t even notice when Sakura pulls into a rest stop until the truck is in park. Sakura needs to pee, and they probably need more coffee, right? Hinata nods, and steps out of the car. It’s windy, and Ino’s bangs blow across her face. Cornsilk hair, cornflower blue eyes. Such a beautiful girl, Hinata can’t even be mad. Ino turns to her, frowning.</p><p>“I want you to have fun.” Ino says. Tenten and Sakura are already halfway to the building. Hinata nods.</p><p>“I want to have fun.” Hinata says, “but I am in love with him.” She frowns. “I think it’s terminal.” Ino rolls her eyes, and takes Hinata’s hand in hers, pulling her along.</p><p>“You aren’t sick,” Ino snorts, “you won’t die.”</p><p>“You sound like Shikamaru.”</p><p>“He’s never wrong.” Ino shoots back, and Hinata smiles, squeezing Ino’s hand.</p><p>Rest stops are full of men who have nothing better to do but watch women who have no interest in them. Horny teens on school trips, bored dads waiting for their spouses and kids to finish in the washroom, men both married and unmarried with wandering eyes. A teenage boy points at their hands, gawking, and Ino winks at Hinata.</p><p>“Act like my boyfriend!” She teases. Hinata rolls her eyes.</p><p>“You drag Shikamaru around too,” she says. Ino goes to let go of her hand, but Hinata clamps down. Ino smirks.</p><p>“<em>That</em>,” she says, “is a very good impression of Shikamaru.”</p><p>“He is going to be jealous when he hears that I held your hand,” Hinata smiles, “he won’t say anything, but it will annoy him for a good week.” Ino places her hand over her heart, and beams at Hinata.</p><p>“Thinking of ways to annoy Shikamaru,” Ino crows, “maybe you really are after my heart.” Hinata laughs, and Ino runs a thumb over her knuckles. It doesn’t even make her miss or think of Sasuke, one little bit.</p><p>Tenten is in line for coffee, tapping her foot. Ino still holds onto Hinata’s hand, and Tenten smirks when she sees.</p><p>“I can’t tell if you are baiting the men around you to say something to you or trying to keep them away.” She smirks. Ino shrugs her shoulders.</p><p>“I wanted someone to hold my hand.” She replies, “is it so wrong to seek human affection?” Hinata smiles alongside Ino. Tenten nods her head, thinking, not for the first time, that the world truly is beautiful, if for the simple fact that Ino and Hinata found each other.</p><p>“What do you two want to drink?” Tenten asks, the line moving up.</p><p>“Coffee. Hot for Hinata, iced for Ino.” Ino says, smirking at how easy it is to remember their drink orders. Tenten smiles. “With room?” Hinata and Ino both nod, asking for lots of cream. Sakura waves, and they go to where she stands. Tenten waves for them to go back to the car, knowing that by the time she collects their order, Sakura will have only just started that shitty truck.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>When Tenten was five minutes late for work, they had assumed she was just later than usual. When twenty minutes passed, Sasuke had started throwing his mask in the air and catching it, and shrugged when Neji asked if he knew where Tenten was. Sai felt his gut prickle, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that she wasn’t going to turn up.</p><p>Another thirty minutes go by, and they can’t delay their meeting with Shikamaru any longer. Putting on their masks, they leave the lounge and walk down the hall. They enter his office, to find him sitting at his desk and Naruto on top of it, swinging his legs. Every so often the backs of his heels thump the desk, making it shake and Shikamaru glare.</p><p>His office is bare. A dark wood desk, an ergonomic chair. He hasn’t changed his office from when his dad occupied it. Sai wonders what it is like to live in a grave, and he thinks this is the closest you can get to it. Shikamaru has a pressed flower on his wall, a gift from Ino made by Hinata. A picture of his family, his genin team. A picture of him, Ino and Chouji as children. A photo of Mirai glowering. One of him and Ino.</p><p>They got together a few years after the war. Inoichi and Shikaku were dead, and Sai wonders if losing a parent as an adult creates a bond the way that growing up an orphan does. He thinks of the day Tenten kissed his neck and asked if it was weird that she didn’t feel empty the way other people without parents are supposed to. Sai is the only evidence that his parents ever existed, so he shook his head. Thinking of his brother, brought back from the dead for him to face in combat; that loss made him feel empty.</p><p>Having to send Shin back to the grave was the only thing worse than losing Tenten. That said, Sai has had nine years to process his brother’s second death, and it has only been a few weeks since he had decided to no longer have sex with Tenten. He looks inside, and there is nothing. Sai meditates on this emptiness, while Naruto enthusiastically greets the team, completely forgetting their code names. Neji is so deeply aggravated by Tenten’s absence that he says nothing.</p><p>“Apologies for being late.” Neji says, “Eagle is sick.” Shikamaru looks up from his file, bored.</p><p>“You don’t have to cover for her,” Shikamaru replies, “I gave her two days off.”</p><p>“Why?” Neji’s asks. They can all tell from how quiet his voice is that he is angry.</p><p>“Ino and Sakura wanted to go to the beach, they wanted to take ‘Eagle’ and Hinata with them.” Shikamaru shrugs. The last time he had been at the beach house, Shikamaru had been a child and his father had been alive. He avoids the place for that reason. But Ino loves it, so he makes sure that she always has someone to go with her, until he can face the absoluteness of his father’s death.</p><p>“You gave her the two days off to go to the beach.” Neji repeats, dumbly.</p><p>“The beach, huh?” Sasuke says softly. Sai would say it was almost wistful.</p><p>“You sent Eagle to the beach without telling me?” Neji is hung up on this particular point. Shikamaru narrows his eyes.</p><p>“If I recall,” he drawls, “you suspended her without prior approval.” Shikamaru leans back and crosses his arms. “Look, she too is my favourite member of your squad, but it isn’t a secret that she hasn’t been thriving. This could help her feel better.” He shrugs.</p><p>“She is exceptionally competent.” Neji hisses. He still cares for her, deeply. Shikamaru frowns.</p><p>“She was flagged after her last medical exam.” He replies, “she has lost fifteen pounds. You three all know you need to meet physical requirements to maintain your status. Maybe this will help her reboot.” Shikamaru picks up a file and hands it to Neji. “You’re all on desk duty today. Don’t say I’m not benevolent.”</p><p>“Is this benevolence?” Sasuke asks. Shikamaru, already over Sasuke’s attitude, glares.</p><p>“We are all going to Lee’s for dinner,” Shikamaru says, “at Ino’s insistence. I am giving you the day to prepare yourselves emotionally.”</p><p>“Lee isn’t that bad,” Naruto says, “he is a lot of fun, actually.” Shikamaru sighs.</p><p>“You and Lee have the same energy levels.” Sai replies. Naruto nods, not really listening. For a few seconds, there is total silence and Sai thinks they will all get out of this office without Shikamaru or Neji losing it.</p><p>“There is something really sexy about beaches, don’t you think?” Naruto looks out the window, sipping his coffee. His heel thumps Shikamaru’s desk.</p><p>“Stop disrespecting women,” Neji retorts. Sai and Sasuke look at each other, not disagreeing with the sentiment, but his reaction seems excessive.</p><p>“You’re the one with the byakugan,” Naruto drawls, “the rest of us only have our imaginations.” He winks, oblivious to the glare that Neji is most definitely shooting him. “Well, I guess between the five of us we have seen all the girls naked.” Naruto chuckles to himself, oblivious to the irritation on Shikamaru’s face, the rage emanating from Neji and the way Sasuke and Sai have positioned themselves to intervene, should Neji actually lunge at Naruto. Not paying attention, Naruto slaps his leg, turning to look at all of them. “We should all go drinking tonight!” Naruto smiles, “Neji, give Lee some dex, so he can participate too!” Shikamaru groans, audibly. Neji, Sasuke and Sai feel that groan in their souls.</p><p>“Will you get work done?” Shikamaru asks, rubbing his forehead, anticipating the headache he will develop tonight. Naruto nods enthusiastically. With that, Shikamaru points to a stack of files and dismisses them.</p><p>When they leave the office and go down into the bunker with all their files, Neji doesn’t say a single word to Sasuke or Sai. However, remembering what Naruto said, Sai blurts out the first thought that pops into his head.</p><p>“Have either of you slept with Sakura?” Sai asks. Neji and Sasuke both look at him like he has lost his mind. They blink when they realize that this is a serious question.</p><p>“I have never considered it,” Neji replies, looking back at his file.</p><p>“Hell would have to freeze over,” Sasuke drawls. Sai’s mouth quirks.</p><p>“I haven’t, and there is no way I can imagine her or Shikamaru sleeping together.” Sai says, “so that means Naruto is the one who saw her naked.” Sasuke pauses, and looks up at Sai. They exchange a look, like, <em>how did our best friends fail to tell us about this very important development?</em> Neji simply shrugs.</p><p>“I am sure he will screw it up soon.” Neji replies. “I give it a month.” Sasuke scowls.</p><p>“Naruto is a lot of things, but he really cares about Sakura and her feelings.” Sasuke picks up his file. Sai clears his throat.</p><p>“This has been a long time coming,” he blinks, “she really likes him too. I hope it works out for them.” Sai picks up his file, and sits down to read about their latest target. He tries not to think about Tenten on the beach.</p><p>“It’s kind of like finding out that your mom and dad have gotten back together.” Sasuke wrinkles his nose, and Neji snorts.</p><p>“What are you two going to do if Naruto and Sakura have an actual baby, and you move down their list of priorities?” Neji asks. Without skipping a beat, Sasuke answers.</p><p>“Celebrate my freedom.” He says, “and you, Sai?”</p><p>“Help Sakura baby proof the house.” Sai shrugs, “he’s hopeless. He will need our help, Sasuke.” He groans.</p><p>“I don’t want to help them.” Sasuke whines. “I want to live alone and die in obscurity.” Sai smirks, and Neji actually laughs.</p><p>“Since when have Naruto or Sakura ever supported any of your life choices?” Neji replies. Sasuke groans again, making Sai and Neji laugh harder than before.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>There is something about the sensory input of being at the beach, whether it is the heat or the sand or the salt, that makes Tenten desperately wish Sai was here. Of their many months together, not once had she imagined them at the beach. She had never thought of them as a couple that vacationed together, or that they would ever need to get away. Now, they have been apart for as long as they were together.</p><p>But right now, as she sits on a towel, imagining how his bare back would rise out of the sea, she thinks they ought to have at least tried to use some vacation time together. Tenten lies back on her towel, sitting up on her elbows. Hinata lies down beside her, wearing an obnoxiously large pair of sunglasses on her small face. Ino sits behind Hinata, with a large sun hat on. Ino’s legs are sprawled out in front of her, and Hinata’s head rests on her thigh. Ino and Hinata are speaking their own language, while Tenten waits for Sakura to come back from the beach house.</p><p>After another minute of this, Tenten stands up, stretching. Ino watches the long line of her back, and the faint shadow of her ribs.</p><p>“You’re skinny.” Ino remarks. Tenten shrugs. Everyone has been telling her to put weight back on, as if this was intentional. But she just doesn’t want to eat. Food is purely fuel, and she likes to run on empty.</p><p>“It’s Anbu.” Tenten replies. Actually, she is going to have to figure this whole eating thing out soon, because she would be put on leave otherwise. It’s actually because of the pain of being away from Sai, and the way her anger at Neji devours her stomach from the inside. Between pain and rage, she has no energy left to think about food. Then she has Sasuke, telling her to eat, and he means well but he doesn’t seem to understand that she physically cannot.</p><p>Tenten feels self-conscious in her swimsuit. She looks like a woman, but she isn’t as well padded as Hinata or Ino. Her bikini is small, and red. It matches the tattoo on her left bicep.</p><p>“Anbu.” Ino repeats. Tenten nods, her face turned away.</p><p>“I am going to go for a swim.” Tenten says, striding towards the water. It is cold and blue. She wades into the water, and when she is waist high, she makes a shallow dive, her back to the sun. Neji had once told her that he had wanted to explore the ocean when he was child. Not for the first time, she feels angry that life cheated him. <em>He ought to be free</em>, she thinks to herself.</p><p>She comes up for air, treading water. She looks back at Ino and Hinata and Sakura, all talking in the sun. Three beautiful girls. Three beautiful, loved girls, who have families who care for them and people they could turn to other than the one co-worker who isn’t in love with them or their best friend in the whole world. Tenten feels hot tears prickling the corners of her eyes.</p><p>Squeezing her eyes shut, Tenten takes a breath and dives down into the water. She wants gills in the side of her neck, and fins and scales, and to swim away forever. Instead, she comes back up for air, her lungs burning. She keeps kicking, and the waves push her along to the shoreline, until she can stand up and walk back to her loved friends.</p><p>She sinks into the wet sand, and her feet cut against the shells and rocks. She is ankle deep when she is approached from the right side. He is tall and dark. He has a nice smile, and towers over her. He is the tallest man she has ever seen. She can see all his teeth; clearly, he is not a man of restraint. “Nice tattoo.” His voice is smooth. She is used to this kind of attention. This is why she actually hides her tattoo. Men use it as an excuse to touch her. This man stands out because he doesn’t pet her.</p><p>“It means nothing.” She adds, “like life.” When did she start speaking like Sasuke? Whatever. It’s better than the truth: she shares this tattoo with her best friend, the first man she had sex with, and the love of her life, and she doesn’t speak to either of them anymore. It’s a curse. Just ask Sasuke. The man laughs, thinking she is joking.</p><p>“Meaning isn’t real.” He rumbles.</p><p>“There is someone else.” She replies softly.</p><p>“But I don’t see him anywhere, and I am here.” He shrugs, and she smiles. It’s a victory for him, and he takes it.</p><p>“I’ll see you around.” He gives her his full smile. She nods, and he walks off. It’s a small town. There is one bar. They know that they will see each other later.</p><p>Tenten walks up to her friends, and Ino asks her a pointed question about the man. Tenten shrugs, says he is handsome. Liked her tattoo. Just a normal guy.</p><p>“Normal, huh?” Ino bats her eyelashes. “Didn’t think you liked normal.” Tenten winks.</p><p>“I’m changing.” Slowly, but surely. <em>Maybe</em>.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Tormenting himself, Sai thinks about Tenten in a swimsuit. He thinks about the day he picked out her underwear. She was right. The allure of a swimsuit and lingerie isn’t in how much they show, but in the little that they hide. They escalate the allure of all clothes; they hide the body in plain sight.</p><p>Sai crosses his arms, watching Naruto open a bottle of pop with his teeth. Naruto spits the cap out into the palm of his hand, before taking a big swig of pop. Sai never bothered to register the flavour. Long ago, he decided to ignore the extent of Naruto’s bad eating habits. Sai puts a carrot in his mouth, crunching on it. Naruto swallows the pop and burps.</p><p>“What’s wrong, Sai?” Naruto asks, smacking his lips. Sai wonders if there is a purpose in drinking something that will only make you thirstier.</p><p>That’s what having sex with Tenten is like. It doesn’t satiate. It only makes him hungrier.</p><p>“Thinking.” Sai sticks another carrot in his mouth. Naruto narrows his eyes.</p><p>“You don’t have your thinking face on.” He pauses, before adding, “you look like you are trying to pretend that you aren’t sad.” Sai nods. He is like a wild animal, in the sense that he doesn’t like to show when he is in pain. He swallows.</p><p>“I miss Tenten, that’s all.” Sai replies, “she and I have slept together a few times, and it makes me miss her more.” He rubs his forehead, aggravated that he still feels this way.</p><p>“You don’t think you can work it out?” Naruto takes another swig. Sai presses his lips together.</p><p>“She knows I want to.” Sai slumps against the wall. “that doesn’t bode well, does it?” dropping onto the floor, Sai sticks out his legs ahead of him. Naruto thuds down beside him.</p><p>“She is figuring it all out,” Naruto says, “Sakura and I have spent ten years figuring it out.”</p><p>“Since we were sixteen.” Sai thumps his heel against the floor.</p><p>“Relationships aren’t linear, Sai.” Naruto screws the cap back on the bottle. Sai nods, and Naruto lets them fall into silence.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>After a day at the beach and a long, hot shower, Ino forces Tenten to wear her oyster purple dress for dinner. Tenten thinks the dress hangs off of her. Ino rubs her back, and remarks that Tenten only says that because she dresses like a boy most of the time<em>. You spend too much time with men</em>, Ino says, <em>it’s like you have forgotten that you are a woman</em>. Tenten smooths her hands across her stomach, trying to feel like a woman. She pouts in the mirror, and leaves the bedroom.</p><p>Ino wears a red sundress, a simple one with a nipped in waist. Hinata wears a white, apron top, exposing her back, with a pair of shorts. Sakura wears a loose, blue slip dress that hits her at mid-thigh. It’s too hot for a bra or shoes that require socks. Hinata volunteers to be in charge of one of the house keys, and Ino brings her purse. The house is at the end of a quiet street, and it is a short walk to the main drag. Ino decided they were all going to eat oysters tonight and go dancing.</p><p>The restaurant is a Western type of establishment. Ino explained that a lot of tourists from America visit in the summer. When they are finally seated, Ino handles ordering the oysters and sparkling wine, while Tenten puts her chin on a hand, and Hinata fiddles with the napkin on her lap. Sakura drums her fingers against the table.</p><p>When the oysters arrive, it is just as slimy and salty and indulgent as Ino promised it would be. Tenten is always nervous, even though she knows that you are supposed to chew the oyster instead of simply swallowing it.</p><p>“Is it bad that I feel weird about eating these in public?” Tenten dips another into her mouth. Ino smirks.</p><p>“It’s because they are an aphrodisiac.” Ino sips her wine, “we live in a prudish, hyper-masculine culture that conditions us to be uncomfortable with a sexuality that isn’t…how did you put it Hinata?” Ino looks to Hinata, who doesn’t miss a beat.</p><p>“A sexuality that isn’t predicated upon conquest.” Hinata smiles and tilts her head. “It’s nice to get away from the guys. You can’t take them anywhere nice.” Hinata puts her hand against her neck, frowning to herself. Actually, you can take Sasuke to nice places. His mom trained him well.</p><p>“Do you two sit around in T&amp;I and come up with these bits?” Tenten sips her wine. Ino shrugs, while Hinata sucks on her lower lip.</p><p>“What do you two even do in T&amp;I?” Sakura asks. No one can picture Hinata or Ino torturing anyone. Shikamaru told her that was the point, but still. Little Hinata and charming Ino, torturers. Kind of like how Tenten is a state-sanctioned murderer. Sakura is the only one with a job that matches her looks.</p><p>“Stuff you need clearance to know about,” Ino shrugs, before downing another oyster. Hinata nods, sipping her wine.</p><p>“Ha ha,” Sakura deadpans, “on to more interesting things, I am so bored and lonely that I may go after Kiba.” She blinks as Hinata’s face shifts from a neutral to a thoughtful expression, Ino looks at Sakura like she grown two heads and Tenten frowns.</p><p>“Leave Kiba alone!” Tenten says, “he’s a nice boy. A legitimately nice one. Like, hold back your hair when you vomit and pat your back nice.” Ino nods.</p><p>“Who would host our parties! Hinata? No offense.” Ino looks to Hinata, who has her typical, owlish expression.</p><p>“He takes the rule seriously,” Tenten adds, “he loves having a moral high ground.”</p><p>“He’s cute.” Sakura remarks, sticking a piece of bread into her mouth.</p><p>“Neji is cute too!” Ino says, “you can have him. Kiba is off limits.”</p><p>“Me and Neji?” Sakura laughs, “I don’t think we have ever spoken to each other.” Tenten and Ino start giggling, and Sakura chuckles to herself. Hinata still blinks, her look neutral.</p><p>“But don’t you actually like Naruto?” Hinata looks right at Sakura, before picking up another oyster. As Hinata chews it, Sakura makes an indignant squeak that wipes the smile right off her face and makes Ino and Tenten double over in laughter.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Of all places, Shikamaru is standing in Lee’s kitchen, watching Chouji and Lee work over the stove. In addition to hanging out and doing drugs without him, Ino, Sakura, Hinata and Tenten will also have sit down meals with Lee, Chouji, Kiba and Shino. Shikamaru glances over at Sai and Sasuke, who are watching Naruto and Kiba have one of their debates that makes you feel dumber from acknowledging it alone.</p><p>Neji sits on the couch, glowering while Lee tells him to cheer up. Shino looks at the books on Lee’s shelf, as if there could be anything remotely enlightening. Shikamaru stares at the fridge, which is a collection of postcards, birthday cards and pictures of Lee with the girls. Not for the first time, it occurs to Shikamaru how small Lee’s world is without them. He had told Ino to just bring Lee along, but she explained that it would leave Kiba, Shino and Chouji in a lurch and that this will maximize Tenten and Hinata’s chances of sleeping with someone else.</p><p>By someone else, Ino clarified that they could meet someone who had minimal chances of being murdered by Sasuke and Sai in some bizarre ‘accident’. Shikamaru had explained that there is nothing accidental about Sasuke and Sai killing anyone, and they don’t go after villagers. He also pointed out that Hinata’s one-night stand who didn’t treat her like an animal is still walking amongst the living, so give them some credit<em>, but if you insist</em>, sure, go to the beach.</p><p>Lee is still high energy, but he seems dampened. When Naruto asked if he still missed the girls, in an uncharacteristic fit of pique, Lee shot back <em>none of you are even shadows of their shadows</em>! Naruto had this puzzled expression on his face, but Kiba let out a cheer and Shino raised his glass. Chouji was grinning, until he made eye contact with Shikamaru, which caused him to stop smiling and turn back to what he was doing.</p><p>“Don’t take this the wrong way Naruto,” Kiba says, “but it is no fun hanging out with you if Sakura isn’t around to tease you.” Naruto blushes, and Sasuke nudges Sai.</p><p>“Lee, what do you think the girls are doing right now?” Chouji asks, changing the subject. Lee looks up at the ceiling, a dreamy look on his face.</p><p>“I hope they are on the beach, and Tenten and Hinata have found their new beaux like Ino and Sakura planned.” Lee sighs, “those two are too sweet and pretty to be alone in this life.” Sasuke and Sai don’t consciously react, but Shikamaru watches the former flinch and the latter freeze, with his mouth pressed closed. “It would be so dreamy to meet the love of your life on a beach.” Lee finishes his thought, and returns to his attention to dinner. Kiba snorts audibly, before turning his back to look at the little alcove, where Lee keeps his computer.</p><p>When Kiba yelps, Naruto jokes that he must have been a spider. When he walks over to check it out, Naruto’s face turns pink, and he sputters, “what the hell is <em>that</em>?” pointing at the wall. Sasuke, Sai and Neji walk over. Sasuke steps back, putting more distance between himself and the object of offense. Sai makes a pinched expression, his own small way of demonstrating disgust. Neji looks like he swallowed something bad. Shikamaru, curious, walks through the kitchen to stand beside Lee, and looks over with Chouji.</p><p>The wall behind Lee’s computer is covered in porn and erotic art. There is no other way to put it. There are postcards of Michelangelo’s <em>David</em> with his privates covered with puffy heart stickers. There are vintage woodblocks to pulp from the 80s. There are stately, dignified portraits of courtesans alongside lewd depictions of anal sex. There is high art and mass produced prints. Pin ups, tentacles, bondage. There are some writings tacked up there as well, and Shikamaru is sure they will all be treated to a reading.</p><p>It’s not that it’s tasteless, although it certainly is. It’s just that there is such…<em>variety</em>. Shikamaru tilts his head to the side. He always thought Lee was a weirdo, but there is no way that one person can be into so many different genres of pornography. He doesn’t care how strange most of Lee’s tastes are to him, Shikamaru refuses to believe that Lee can get off to every single piece on that wall. <em>For fuckssakes</em>, the internet is a beautiful thing. Leave it on your computer like a normal person. If you don’t live with a busy body like Ino, don’t clear your browser before and after.</p><p>They all look at Lee, who has a hand over his heart and a starry look in his eyes. He looks at the wall like it is the most tasteful thing ever. “Ino and Hinata found some porn in an old Vatican archive Inoichi stole in the 80s, and well, it started a contest between the four of them.” By <em>them</em>, he means the girls. He steps out from behind the counter, and Shikamaru has been around Kurenai long enough to know the look on Lee’s face: the expression a proud mother makes before she points out every last detail of the macaroni art her child made.</p><p>Shikamaru looks around the room, just to ensure that everyone else is equally horrified. Lee clears his throat, and begins to take them all through a brief tour of the most noteworthy pieces. The first is an 1875 woodblock print showing a woman serving her husband his mistress’ genitals, which Ino apparently discovered. Shikamaru’s groan is met with a scornful look from Lee, who continues despite the interruption. Hinata and Sakura had added several of pictures of Toshio Saeki’s subversive illustrated erotica. Tenten had chosen the most tasteful piece: <em>La Grande Odalisque</em> by Jean Auguste Dominique Ingres. It shows a woman with an abnormally long back, looking over her shoulder at the viewer with an enigmatic expression. Tenten also found a few photographs featuring BDSM by Robert Mappelthorpe, the most graphic being a bull whip inserted into the, ahem, subject.</p><p>Lee points to a sheet of paper with a poem on it. Apparently it is written from the perspective of an ardent lover who wants to eat his lover like a pizza by the fire. It is from Renaissance Italy, and Sakura found it in the library.</p><p>The pièce de résistance features a woman and tentacles. “Isn’t this just a marvelous find!” Lee exclaims, clasping his hands together in admiration. “Hinata found it in the library—of course, it started an arms race between her and Ino, but it was worth it.” Putting his hands on his hips, Lee grins at his wall one last time before turning back towards his guests.</p><p>“Who thought Hinata had it in her,” Kiba says, biting the bullet and starting the conversation. Sasuke bites his tongue as Sai looks over at him.</p><p>“That explains why Ino was in that weird part of the library.” Shino puts his hands in his pockets. Lee perks it up, and they can all tell that they are going to be treated to a fact none of them really wanted to know.</p><p>“Philosophers such as Denis Diderot wrote pornography to support themselves,” Lee chirps, “Sakura said that every time there is a technological advancement people always use it for sex.” He smiles dreamily. Chouji, still by the stove, tilts his head, pointing to an image featuring cunnilingus.</p><p>“Is that what girls want you to do with your mouth?” he asks. Shikamaru and Sasuke both look deeply embarrassed. Neji sits on the couch, resigning himself to suffering. Sai’s face remains blank. Shino and Kiba shrug at each other.</p><p>Naruto, for once, judgement free, looks at Chouji and says, “if they want it, they will tell you.” Shikamaru is pleasantly surprised by his diplomatic answer. Chouji nods, and returns his attention to cooking.</p><p>Unhappy with the quiet, Kiba decides to bring the party back. “Have none of you seen a vagina before?” he asks.</p><p>“I don’t think they would be excluded from these gatherings if they hadn’t seen at least one,” Shino deadpans. Kiba gives a mean snort.</p><p>“Well, how about I refresh your minds,” Kiba inhales, and then speaks in his most pretentious voice. “Now, when a man loves of woman—“</p><p>“That’s not how that reference works.” Shikamaru cuts in, making Kiba frown. Naruto scratches his head, still looking at the wall.</p><p>“Do we want to call that love?” Naruto asks.</p><p>At this point, Lee puffs his cheeks, tired of them making fun of his porn wall. “You are all just jealous that the girls are open and honest about their fantasies with someone who isn’t you!” Lee points at them indiscriminately and accusingly. Kiba, Shino and Chouji carefully back out of the way. Neji, dismissive and used to these outbursts, sips his beer. Sasuke’s jaw clenches and the tendon rises in Shikamaru’s neck. Sai presses his lips together.</p><p>Typical Naruto, he struggles to figure out how offended he ought to be. Lee gives up on him understanding, and puts his hand down, stalking over to the kitchen. Chouji cackles, and Kiba grins.</p><p>“I’ll mention this to Hinata when I see her.” Kiba laughs before sipping his beer. Lee sighs.</p><p>“I wish they were here,” he says, “it would be so much more fun than this pale imitation of a dinner between friends and comrades.” Lee sighs again, before looking into the pot. Shikamaru and Sasuke exchange irritated looks, since this isn’t exactly their idea of fun either. “Ooo,” his tone brightens, “dinner is ready!”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>When dinner is finished, they decide to really start drinking. They are all on beer number three. Sai and Sasuke are sitting at the table, while Shikamaru and Chouji sit on the couch, Kiba sprawled at their feet. Shino sits in an armchair, while Naruto is slumped against a wall. At the kitchen counter, Neji gives Lee a full 5 milligrams of Dexedrine, which Lee tosses into his mouth.</p><p>“You guys should have brought us some drugs,” Naruto looks at Kiba and Shino, tapping the side of his nose.</p><p>“We gave Sakura the rest of our coke.” Kiba shrugs, “they needed it more than us.” Shino nods, sipping his beer. Shikamaru says a silent prayer of thanks that he will not have to deal with a coked up Ino. Naruto frowns.</p><p>“You gave them all the coke?” he asks, “why?” Kiba shrugs.</p><p>“It seemed like the charitable thing to do,” he drawls, “I mean, they do save lives.”</p><p>“I am hoping they meet some who can afford to supply them with coke,” Shino says, “someone nice and boring with a profitable career.”</p><p>“A lawyer or a doctor would be nice,” Chouji adds. Shikamaru shoots him a look of betrayal, to which Chouji shrugs and replies, “Ino is a lot cuter then you, Shikamaru. She has options.” Shikamaru thumps him, causing Chouji to yelp. Sai and Sasuke can’t really blame Shino and Kiba’s impulse. The girls have been out through a lot. They deserve nice, normal lives with regular people who aren’t in perpetual danger.</p><p>Naruto, either uninterested or oblivious to the implications of Shino’s words, scratches his head. “Are you sure giving them all that coke was a good idea?” Naruto asks. Kiba dismisses Naruto with a wave.</p><p>“I have seen all four of them rail the stuff,” Kiba says before sipping his beer. “They’ll be <em>fine</em>.”</p><p>It is then that the Dexedrine hits Lee, and he stands up and decides it is time for everyone to dance. Shikamaru stands up and walks across the room to slump beside Sai, hoping this will mean that he will be left alone. “You know,” Shikamaru mutters, “some coke would be really helpful right now.” Sasuke nods and Sai knocks his beer bottle against Shikamaru’s, in a sign of solidarity.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>There is no better way to end this topsy-turvy day then by doing coke under a cotton candy sky. All four of them have crowded into a stall in the bathroom of the bar. They had arrived later than they had intended, but that just meant that they avoided the awkward in-between hour when the bar opens versus when it fills up. Hinata sits on the back of the toilet, with Sakura perched on the seat. Ino and Tenten stand by the door. It is a tight squeeze, but it could be worse. They are all a little buzzed from dinner, and Ino can’t stop giggling.</p><p>Hinata takes out the spare house key, and they dip it into the baggie so they can do bumps. Kiba and Shino had generously donated the blow, free of charge. Sakura, the cokehead out of all of them, takes a big bump and inhales, then leans her head back, looking up to the ceiling. She passes the baggie and key to Tenten, who snorts at the dumb look on her face.</p><p>“You want the boys to think you’re innocent,” Tenten says, “but you love coke the most.” Sakura smiles dreamily.</p><p>“Coke is <em>yummy</em>,” she smacks her lips. She always says this when she does cocaine. The music is muffled, but they can all hear it in the bathroom. <em>Day to night to morning, keep with me in the moment/ I'd let you had I known it, why don't you say so? </em></p><p>Tenten does her bump, and passes it to Ino, who is already sped up from the first. She dips the key in while she talks. “Did I ever tell you about the woman who wanted to know if it was safe to snort her boyfriend’s come?” Ino drawls. Hinata starts laughing, as Tenten and Sakura’s faces contort in horror.</p><p>“It was on this podcast we listen to at work,” Hinata explains, hands on her stomach. Ino nods, taking only a little bit of coke on the tip of the key. “She wanted to snort fresh semen.” Tenten wrinkles her nose.</p><p>“Can you imagine wanting to snort come?” Tenten asks as Ino takes a big sniff, before passing the bag to Hinata. Ino leans her head back to catch the drips.</p><p>“That’s the hard line in my love for Shikamaru.” She replies. Sakura snorts.</p><p>“I think it’s Shikamaru’s hard line in his love for you.” Sakura says, tapping her foot.</p><p>“It’s kind of cute, in a perverse way.” Hinata chirps, dipping the key into the white powder.</p><p>“That’s because you are a perv.” Ino declares. Hinata shrugs in response, taking a sniff and deciding to hold onto the coke, so they don’t use it all in one go.</p><p>“I guess it is harmless,” Tenten says, enjoying the speedy whirring of the coke. “I think it is sweet to love someone that much.” Ino grins.</p><p>“Would any of you…” her voice trails off, and Hinata, Tenten and Sakura immediately exclaim, in unison, “NOPE!” Ino cackles, deciding to pick on Sakura.</p><p>“Sakura, I bet Naruto would shoot a load up your nose if you asked him nicely.” Sakura turns pink, and Tenten and Hinata grin at each other.</p><p>“He seems obliging like that,” Tenten crosses her arms, giggling.</p><p>“I’m sure he likes you that much Sakura,” Hinata teases in a quiet voice. Sakura makes a face and crosses her arms. From the tendon in her neck, Ino can tell that there is blood in the water. Hinata beats her to the punch.</p><p>“Unless he already has?” Hinata asks, and Sakura turns to yell at her, but stops when Ino crows out, “believe it!” in a masterful impression of Naruto’s dumb voice.</p><p>“No, he has not, nor will he ever.” Sakura retorts, as Hinata passes her the coke. “If you must know, Naruto and I had sex and it was uneventful.” Sakura fidgets with the key, and they all immediately know that she is lying. If it were uneventful, she wouldn’t have said anything, or she would have complained as soon as his name came up.</p><p>“What is the craziest thing a man has ever said to you in bed?” Ino asks another one of her invasive questions. Tenten thinks for a second, while Hinata leans back against the wall.</p><p>“You first.” Hinata says to Ino, who smirks in response.</p><p>“Shikamaru once told me that he was going to fuck me into next week.” Ino replied. Hinata rolled her eyes. Ino had needed a Tylenol the next day, and Hinata forced her to walk around, to work out the soreness. Hinata and Ino’s eyes lock, and the latter blushes when she remembers Hinata telling her <em>you don’t get to complain when you asked for it.</em></p><p>“Sai told me he wanted to watch me come,” Tenten inspects her cuticles, “like, he just wanted to sit back and watch, no kissing or anything.” She says nothing about the hungry way he looks at her, or the way he kissed her ear in the shower after she had her back to him the whole time. There are no words for the tenderness and care with which he treats her, and Ino isn’t interested in that anyways.</p><p>“Sasuke fucked an ‘I love you out of me once’, and he asked me <em>please</em> come on his hand.” Hinata presses her mouth together. In all honesty, <em>make me feel like you are inside of me</em> is the craziest thing he had ever said. Or the time he asked her to call him<em> daddy</em>, and she <em>obliged</em>. But she felt yucky, sharing the personal bits of a relationship she wouldn’t admit to being in for the last few months.</p><p>“Who knew Sai and Sasuke had it in ‘em,” Ino said with pride, like they had surpassed her expectations. They all look expectantly at Sakura, who shrinks from their gazes.</p><p>“We had sex once!” Sakura hisses.</p><p>“So?” Ino replies. “That doesn’t mean he didn’t say anything crazy.” Sakura puffs her cheeks.</p><p>“Is that why you wanted to sleep with Kiba?” Hinata asks, and Sakura sighs and puts her head in her hands.</p><p>“It made me feel weird,” Sakura admits, “I felt like I was melting into him, but like I have never been more whole in my life.” Shaking her head, her pink hair fluffs out. Hinata takes the baggie and the key, so they can do one more round before actually dancing.</p><p>“That’s the best,” Hinata says softly, “it is even better than drugs.” Closing her left nostril, Hinata takes a big inhale, passing the bag and key to Sakura before tossing her head back.</p><p>“Who would have thought sex with Naruto could be better than drugs?” Ino cackles, and they all know she was right by the way Sakura kicks at her shin. Deciding to push her luck, and not wanting Sakura to feel like the only one with a man Ino feels contempt for, she makes one last comment.</p><p>“I, for one, am simply surprised that the men of Team Seven can’t be easily replaced with a weighted blanket and a vibrator.” Ino smirks. “What a world.”</p><p>Everyone is surprised when Hinata is the first to volley back <em>at least I don’t have to suck Shikamaru’s dick</em>.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Any stimulant, speed, coke, whatever, makes you feel like any idea you have ever had is a Good and True Idea. Hinata breaks away from her friends when she eyes a cute enough stranger. They watch her go away, Ino muttering <em>that’s my girl</em>while Tenten and Sakura exchange worried looks.</p><p>It is then that Tenten turns to see the man from the beach staring at her. When their eyes lock, she freezes. The lights are blue and red, and Ino smirks before whispering that she and Sakura will be fine<em>. Go to him</em>. Weaving through the crowd, Tenten races to crash headfirst into what feels like destiny.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>This is the worst party Sasuke has ever been to, and he spent three birthdays with Orochimaru. He, Sai and Shikamaru are still sitting at the table, while Lee reorganizes his porn wall, giving up on getting anyone to dance. Naruto is slumped against the opposite wall, next to Kiba. Chouji is sprawled on the couch. Shino is still on the armchair. Neji sits on the kitchen counter beside the beer, arms crossed, looking even more bored and indifferent than Shino.</p><p>“Why do you three look so bored!” Naruto points at Sasuke, Sai and Shikamaru, who all blink at him. “This is a PARTY!” Naruto and Kiba put their fists in the air. Shikamaru lights a cigarette and Sai blinks. Raising his beer can, Sasuke drawls, “party, party, yeah,” before taking a sip.</p><p>“All I asked of the girls,” Kiba says, “was that they date someone normal, who we don’t know and can easily cut out when it goes to shit, and what do I get?” Kiba points to Sasuke, Sai and Shikamaru. “The two most maladjusted people I know and this miserable asshole!” Naruto starts laughing.</p><p>“I really don’t know what Ino sees in Shikamaru either.” Naruto replies, “but Sai and Sasuke are pretty. Who cares about their personalities?” Naruto and Kiba cackle out loud. It is hard to tell who feels more betrayed: Sasuke, Shikamaru or Sai.</p><p>“You guys don’t have to <em>understand</em>.” Shikamaru shoots back. Sai nods, thinking of the two sets of logic Tenten explained to him a year ago. His jaw sits tight on his face when he remembers the red straw. He still wonders, which set is the correct one? The one only the two people can see, or the one visible to everyone else?</p><p>Glowering, Shikamaru jumps when a still from an 80s porno flutters to his feet. “Lee!” Shikamaru grabs the picture from the floor, waving it at him. Lee turns around and reaches for it. “I swear, that wall has been staring at us the whole time.” Shikamaru puffs on his cigarette.</p><p>“You say that because you don’t understand portrayals of sexuality that aren’t based on conquest.” Lee says. Sasuke squints his eyes.</p><p>“Do you know how much penetration is on that wall?” Sasuke asks. “Because I am pretty sure a ‘sexuality without conquest’ wouldn’t have so much penetration.” Lee twirls around on his office chair, narrowing his eyes at Sasuke.</p><p>“What are you two talking about?” Shikamaru asks, still agitated by the wall.</p><p>“I am still surprised that Lee knows words like ‘sexuality’ and ‘conquest’ and can use them in a sentence.” Sasuke retorts. Neji looks at the three of them, intrigued by the show. Sai really feels like he ought to get out from between Sasuke and Shikamaru, but there is no easy way for him to do that without bringing attention to himself.</p><p>“Ino and Hinata taught me.” Lee says in a sticky sweet voice, eyes still narrow. Sai watches the tendon in Shikamaru’s neck rise, and he can feel Sasuke suppressing his killing intent. <em>Why do they always do this when I am around?</em> Sai thinks to himself.</p><p>Naruto, ignoring the tension across the room, says the first thing that pops into his mind. “What do Ino and Hinata do all day?” Naruto’s arms fall to his sides, and Kiba nods beside him.</p><p>“They sit in a flower shop or a basement in Hokage Tower and plan the downfall of free society.” Chouji replies, draining the last of his beer. Neji puts his hand in the case beside him and tosses Chouji another bottle, which he catches.</p><p>“That isn’t what they do,” Shikamaru says in an aggravated voice, backed by Sasuke’s pointed glare. Sai’s unimpressed face cuts some of their combined menace.</p><p>“You and Sasuke are instrumental to their plans, “Chouji drawls, before opening his bottle with his teeth. “They weren’t going to tell either of you.” Neji, entertained, sips his beer.</p><p>“Inoichi and Hiashi have totalitarian leanings,” Shino adds, “it wouldn’t be a surprise if they inherited them.”</p><p>“Sakura and Tenten definitely believe in human rights.” Kiba says, “it isn’t even a question.”</p><p>“Hinata and Ino believe in human rights,” Shikamaru retorts, “even though they don’t really exist in a martial culture like ours.” Shikamaru crosses his arms, “and leave Inoichi and Hiashi out of this.”</p><p>“Actually,” Shino says, “before we get to that, I think it is important to acknowledge that Sakura and Tenten have simply accepted the status quo for what it is, which I think is more depressing than Hinata and Ino reimagining society according to the combined philosophies of Inoichi and Hiashi.”</p><p>“What did he just say?” Sasuke points to Shikamaru, who nods at Sasuke.</p><p>“Hiashi was willing to kill Hinata to make a point.” Shino rebuts.</p><p>“He also killed for her to do the same.” Neji adds. Sasuke glares at Neji, who shrugs. Neji thinks that Sasuke has never handled the truth very well. It is a personal failing of his that, ironically, he refuses to acknowledge.</p><p>“Either way you put it, Hiashi is willing to kill to make a point.” Kiba shrugs<em>, like what can ya do?</em></p><p>“Inoichi made people’s brains melt for a living and taught Ino how to do the same thing.” Chouji drinks his beer. Sasuke, over this conversation, grits his teeth.</p><p>“My dad was actually complicit in a conspiracy to commit a coup d’état and Shikamaru’s dad was a master strategist. Hinata and Ino aren’t the only ones whose fathers had sociopathic streaks.” Sasuke says this as if this somehow disproves the theory that Hinata and Ino are planning a hostile takeover of the state.</p><p>“I take it back,” Chouji says, “the two of you are complicit, and Ino and Hinata didn’t have to do anything to get you two to cooperate.”</p><p>“I guess it is cute that you all found each other.” Kiba drawls, “it seems like the four of you were bred to destroy the free world.” Kiba sips his beer and Naruto bobs his head in agreement. “Ino just dumped Sai and Neji because they were useless to the cause.” Neji laughs, and Sai shrinks away from Shikamaru, bumping into Sasuke, who rolls his eyes and decides against elbowing Sai. Shikamaru throws his cigarette into an empty beer bottle. “That sounds like a lot of work.”</p><p>“Yah,” Naruto says, “but the two of you would do it for Ino and Hinata if they asked. I don’t know why the two of you act like you wouldn’t. Stop lying to yourselves.” Naruto drinks his beer, and Kiba snaps his fingers in approval.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>They don’t kiss at the bar. Nor do they kiss in the street, or on the flat expanse of the beach. Tenten wanders just ahead of the stranger, whose name she forgot on purpose. She leads him into the crop of trees towards the end of the beach, where the grass is long. There are probably a lot of bugs, but Tenten has seen various weapons and entire arms plunged into bodies. She has ripped throats apart with kunai. Anbu beat the petty fears out of her. Bugs don’t scare her.</p><p>When he follows her into the bush, she turns to look at him, opening her arms for him. He doesn’t talk very much, something she likes. She just wants to see if she can stomach someone else. She doesn’t care who he is. He kisses her bottom lip, and already, it feels wrong. His hands are all over her, and it’s confusing and exhilarating and wrong wrong wrong. But does that stop her?</p><p>No. It doesn’t. Tenten wasn’t taught to be a quitter, or to stop when she was uncertain. Guy always trained them to keep their foot on the accelerator, to keep going for more and then past more to whatever lies beyond.</p><p>He gets on his knees and tries to part her thighs, but she refuses him. She isn’t ready for someone other than Sai to put his mouth there. Tenten motions for him to lie back, and she straddles him, sliding on easily, and she looks up to the sky. Will the stars judge her? Do the trees and the grass know what she is trying to do?</p><p>She sighs when he puts his thumb to her clit, and she remembers that Sai isn’t the only man and she isn’t the only woman. She starts moving, and they both groan as they rock together. No, Sai is definitely not the only man, but there will only ever be one sky, one Sai.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Sai takes one last look at the porn wall, as he waits for Naruto to finish pissing in the washroom. Shikamaru and Sasuke are going to help him get Naruto home, but they have chosen to wait outside. He can’t blame them. They got picked on tonight.</p><p>Before Lee had said anything, Sai knew that Tenten had chosen <em>La Grande Odalisque</em>. The impassive face, the elongated back, the tease. The way the woman both shows and withholds her sexuality, her desire. He stands before the Odalisque as if she were the sphynx who was telling him the riddle of Tenten. He is tired of games and wrong turns and false starts. He stands before her, and all he can do is ask: <em>what more do I have to give?</em></p><p>But she is a picture, and she can only stare at him. It feels like she is appraising him, as if she were evaluating as to whether or not he is worthy of gazing at her core, and by extension, Tenten. Yes, this painting is deciding whether or not he has permission to gaze at their core.</p><p>Despite the many ways in which they were taught to kill, the spine is not the core of a person. Rather, the spine if a false core. From killing so many people and from loving Tenten, he now knows that the real core is deep inside the abdomen. It is the artery that thumps from the heart down the torso to the legs.</p><p>Sai snaps out of it when he hears the toilet flush and Naruto wash his hands, calling for him to hurry up. He takes one last look at the Odalisque, and running his pointer finger down her spine, asks for her to please bring Tenten back to him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Stimulants provide an eagle eye view of yourself with a gutting clarity. There is nothing worse than the inevitable comedown, when the Good and True Idea you are about to realize loses its veneer and you realize that it is the exact opposite what you really want to do. There is nothing less fun than when stimulants, rather than pumping you up, make you more self-aware.</p><p>Hinata, holding the hand of the man she met at the bar, has come to the startling revelation that she does not want to sleep with him. Like, she really, really, <em>really</em> doesn’t want him to touch her. It’s nothing personal. He just isn’t the person she wants. He stops, and turns her around to initiate a kiss, but he catches her frown before she leans in.</p><p>His palm tastes metallic, and she opens her eyes to see that he has put his hand between their mouths. He gives her a sad look, and puts his hand down. “It’s not fun if you aren’t into it.” He releases her hand, and offers to finish walking her home. Hinata tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, and shakes her head. He nods, and she leans forward to kiss him on his cheek.</p><p>She watches him fade back into the night, her arms crossed. Hinata turns around, and walks up the road, letting herself into the dark, empty house. She leaves the lights off, and she wanders upstairs into her room. Hinata looks out the window, at the big moon. She thinks about how she and Sasuke still share the same moon, sun and stars. She smiles, and walks over to her phone. She should call Ino, tell her what happened. Ask her and Sakura to come home.</p><p>But the comedown is hard, and she now knows with a startling clarity and awareness what she really wants to do.</p><p>Sliding it open, she finds the name she is looking for, and she hits call. She paces until she hears it pick up. Plopping on the end of her bed, she hears a gentle <em>hello</em>, and she blinks when she hears his voice. <em>He didn’t delete my number</em>. The hot tears sting her eyes.</p><p>“Snake?” Hinata asks, quietly.</p><p>“Yes,” Sasuke murmurs on the other end. Hinata slumps, her back curving out as she curls around herself.</p><p>“I miss you.” She whispers, like it is a shameful secret. “I’m sorry. You probably don’t want to hear it.” She stops breathing for a second, waiting for him to respond.</p><p>“I miss you, too.” His voice is still soft. It’s not like his sleep voice, or just before bed voice. It’s the voice he uses when he talks into the side of her head before he leaves for work. She can feel the trembling starting in her stomach, traveling up to her voice.</p><p>“I love you.” Hinata says. “Like, a lot.” She sniffles.</p><p>“I love you, too.” Sasuke feels like he has been punched in the stomach. He has wanted to hear this for six months. Hinata telling him to come home. It is all he wants, trailing behind a drunk Naruto, who Shikamaru and Sai are right behind.</p><p>Sasuke pauses, waiting for them to get further ahead. The night is quiet and dark, and he wants it to feel like they are the only two people in the world. Her voice is hot and the night is cold, and he wishes she did this in person.</p><p>“Sasuke,” she begins, “do you want to know what I’m wearing?” Sasuke smiles.</p><p>“I’m not at home.” He drawls, and he hears a laugh cut through her sadness.</p><p>“It’s not like that.” She says, “I’m wearing that apron top you like. It is just as dumb and impractical as it was when I bought it.” Hinata scoots back onto the bed, so she can wrap her arms around her legs. She wiggles her toes, looking at the silver toe ring Sasuke brought back from a trip for her. It is a simple, thin band, but she wears it every day.</p><p>Sasuke knows the top she is talking about. It is a white linen and it is essentially backless. The collar is high, and it covers her front completely, but she can’t wear a bra with it. There are two straps at the top, which cross over each other, marking an X right in the middle of her shoulder blades, and they are buttoned on the inside of the shirt. There is a belt that wraps around Hinata’s waist, and it can loop around twice before it is knotted. He has helped her get it on several times.</p><p>“Do you still need help getting it on?” Sasuke asks. He can’t hear her nod on the phone, so it takes her a second to answer.</p><p>“Ino is better at strapping me in.” Hinata murmurs, “she is more professional than you.” Sasuke snorts, looking up ahead to watch Shikamaru and Sai trying to stop Naruto from stumbling into an empty fruit stand. They don’t grab him in time. There is a loud crash, and Shikamaru is looking back at Sasuke, eyes narrowed. He swallows, because he has to go soon.</p><p>“Why did you call me?” Sasuke asks. He doesn’t think he could handle anything but the answer he wants.</p><p>“I want you back.” Hinata says softly. “I’m sorry for what I did. I overreacted, I should have given you time…” She trails off, and he can hear her crying. He feels his stomach drop.</p><p>“I want you, too.” Sasuke mutters, “look, I have to go, but I need more time, because things need to be different.” <em>Do they ever</em>. Hinata sniffs.</p><p>“All you need is more time?” she whispers.</p><p>“Yes,” he says softly, turning away from Shikamaru’s glare. “More time.” He pauses. “But I want you, too.” He looks up at the night sky. “We are under the same stars.” She laughs on her end.</p><p>“That’s what I was thinking, before I called you.” Sasuke smiles, looking up at the sky.</p><p>“I need time,” he repeats himself. “But I love you, and I am coming back.” <em>I promise</em>, he thinks. Promises are shallow, because they can be reneged at any time; you are never the same person as you were the day you made the promise. It is better to leave them unspoken.</p><p>“You are going to come back.” Hinata states, more for herself rather than him. “Please, <em>please</em> come back.” She whispers. There is so much time between now and whenever he will come back, and so much has already gone wrong in their short lives.</p><p>“It’s fated.” Sasuke replies, “that’s what it means when I say it under the stars.”</p><p>“The same stars as when I told you I love you.” She whispers, and he smiles at the memory.</p><p>“The very same.” It takes millions of years for a star to die, and he likes to think that none have passed in the year between these two sets of <em>I love you</em>. Perhaps more have been made.</p><p>Naruto is rolling around in the mess he has made, and Shikamaru is calling for him. Sasuke sighs.</p><p>“You need to go,” she says, knowing his voice, in all its nuances.</p><p>“I’ll get in touch,” he replies. “I love you.” <em>So much, I feel like I am crawling out of my skin</em>. He nods at Shikamaru, giving him a gesture to wait.</p><p>“I love you,” she replies. “Please, don’t make me wait for long.” <em>I might die</em>, she thinks.</p><p>“Not for long.” He replies, “just enough for me to figure out how to be different.”</p><p>“Okay.” She says, knowing it means that he loves her. Things can’t be the way they were. They would end up in the same place if they just went back to how it was. “Bye, Sasuke.” She hangs up the phone, and throws it on the bed beside her.</p><p>She lies back on the bed, and stares up at the ceiling. She blinks, and closes her eyes. Hinata unbuttons her shorts, and rolls onto her front. She rests her forehead on her left forearm, and puts her right hand between her legs. Closing her eyes, she thinks about how they share the same stars, how they still love each other after all this time trying to be apart. Hinata thinks about what it means to really, really love someone, so much that you can call them after six months of silence and all you say to the other is <em>thank god you came back; I was worried</em>. She touches herself until an ugly noise comes out and she feels like she is floating in deep outer space.</p><p>Suddenly, she’s crying crying crying and it looks like she is swimming in her sadness but really, Hinata is being reborn.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Naked, Tenten throws up in the bushes while her poor stranger rubs her back. She wretches, knowing that she wanted to trigger this reaction. The confirmation that her body would never accept another. Her orgasm was real and her disgust is genuine. In fact, she is puking as if she could undo her orgasm with the same method that Anbu conditioned her body to get rid of ingested poisons.</p><p>She is surprised that he stayed with her, rubbing her back and muttering nonsense stories about foxes and dolphins and crows. He is nicer than she deserves. She used him to make a point to herself, and here he is, treating her like a person.</p><p>“Is this because of that someone else you mentioned earlier?” his voice is soft, like velvet, and it would smell like a campfire. She catches her breath, and spits up one last phlegm-y glob.</p><p>“Yes.” She looks up at him, and he wipes a tear from her cheek. He smiles at her, his big, unrestrained smile.</p><p>“What’s this guy like?” he asks, “it might make you feel better to think about him, instead of avoiding it.” She laughs, and he does too.</p><p>“His name tastes like the sky.” She says, looking at the ground. He rubs her back two, three more times.</p><p>“He has the same tattoo, doesn’t he?” the stranger asks. Tenten nods, looking at him.</p><p>“Yes. How did you know?” she asks. He blinks.</p><p>“Because you said it was meaningless.” The stranger looks right into her eyes. “You don’t seem like someone who does anything without a reason.” She bites her lip.</p><p>“Are you mad that I had sex with you?” Tenten looks at him, and he looks taken aback.</p><p>“I mean, I wasn’t, even though I knew you were into someone else,” he pauses, “you wanted to, right?” Tenten nods, standing up first.</p><p>“I wanted to,” she says, picking up her underwear. She shakes the black lace out, before stepping into them. She pulls the underwear up on her hips, and then looks for Ino’s dress.</p><p>“Good,” he says, more for himself than for her. “Good.” She hears him rustling around, looking for his clothes. She turns around to look at his back, blinking before turning away.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Licking the pink popsicle juice that runs down her arm, Sakura thinks that tonight has been a good night. She and Ino don’t spend a lot of time together anymore, and it was nice to revisit their teen years. Ino laughs as she licks the juice off of her arm, even though her popsicle is just as sloppy. They thought about buying a box, but it would have melted in this heat, and they agreed that they wanted Tenten and Hinata to have as much privacy as possible.</p><p>But eventually their feet and legs are sore and they figure that there is no way that Hinata and Tenten can still be fucking guys they met a few hours ago. The pavement is still hot as they walk back to the house.</p><p>“So,” Ino says, “Naruto?” Sakura nods.</p><p>“Naruto.”</p><p>“Why now?” Ino asks.</p><p>“Why Shikamaru?” Sakura shrugs. Ino smiles in response.</p><p>“I want you to have something like that,” Ino says quietly, “I hope it goes better than whatever happened to Tenten and Hinata.” Sakura slurps her popsicle.</p><p>“Sasuke and Sai are good people,” Sakura says, “they are a lot of things, but they wouldn’t like knowing how hurt Tenten and Hinata are. They haven’t told Naruto or I anything. All we want to do is help, but they never tell us what happens in their heads.” She puts her popsicle into her mouth, and slurps the rest of it off the stick. Ino hums, waving her bare stick in her hand.</p><p>“Hinata only just told me what happened.” Ino says. “It took her five months to confirm that they were even in a relationship.”</p><p>“They were so obvious,” Sakura puts her head into her hands. “Maybe if Naruto and I had gotten to him faster, or if we had found him before Itachi…maybe if we had been stronger, we could have saved him. Maybe he would let himself be happy.” She blinks back her tears. “And Sai…he loves Tenten so much, and he just won’t tell me what really happened. It’s like they want to be unhappy forever, and I want to take them by their shoulders and shake them and say that you don’t have to suffer!”</p><p>“Sai and Sasuke know you love them,” Ino says, “they just think that showing other people how hurt they are will make things worse.”</p><p>“They are so dumb.” Sakura scoffs. “I swear, they are dumber than Naruto.” They are five minutes away, when Ino stops, and grabs Sakura’s wrist.</p><p>“Do you think Tenten and Sasuke ever…?” Ino gives Sakura a hard look. Ino loves all of her friends, but Hinata is her best friend. She helps her with her weird sex injuries and glares at rude customers and was the person who sat in the bathroom when Ino had a pregnancy scare and needed to be talked into peeing on a stick. Ino needs to know if anything happened between Tenten and Sasuke so that she can soften the blow. Hinata doesn’t have a mom, and her father is useless. She needs someone to protect her.</p><p>Sakura frowns. She shakes her head, slowly. “No, I don’t think so. Tenten and Sasuke aren’t happy the way they were with Sai and Hinata.” Sakura bites her lower lip. “I think Tenten and Sasuke just find it easier to hang out with each other. Neji kicked her off the team for saving Sai, and then she had to break up with Sai so Neji would let her be on the team.” Sakura sighs. “No, they haven’t slept together. I think they just needed to be lost with someone else who gets it.” Ino breathes in, and releases Sakura’s wrist.</p><p>“I didn’t think they would,” Ino muttered, “but if…”</p><p>“If,” Sakura replies, “Sai and Hinata would want us to let them be happy.” Sakura looks up at the sky. “They wouldn’t want us to hurt either of them.” Ino nods.</p><p>“Sai and Hinata are too sweet for their own good.” She says, and Sakura laughs, nodding.</p><p>“What do you think the boys thought of the porn wall?” Sakura asks, changing the subject as they start walking. Ino suppresses a cackle.</p><p>“Oh, I’m sure that once they get over it, it will be fine.” Ino smirks, “there is way worse on the internet.” Sakura laughs as they walk up the driveway, and past the pickup truck.</p><p>Ino walks up to the door, and finds it ajar. Frowning, she pushes it in and steps inside the dark house. Sakura steps in after her, and turns on the light while Ino calls out for Hinata. They hear footsteps, and soon Hinata is downstairs. Her shirt is rumpled, and her eyes are red.</p><p>“Hinata,” Ino drops her purse to the floor. “Are you okay?”</p><p>Hinata blinks, and she is crying again. Ino immediately wraps her arms around her friend, and Sakura asks if Tenten is here. It is 12:30 AM. Hinata shakes her head, and Sakura puts her shoes on again, and says she is going to check the beach. Ino nods, and turns to Hinata as soon as Sakura is out the door.</p><p>“What happened? Did he hurt you?” Ino snarls the last question. Hinata shakes her head.</p><p>“No.” Her voice is small. “We didn’t do anything. He knew he wasn’t who I want.” Ino puts her hand on Hinata’s cheek.</p><p>“If nothing happened, why are you crying?” Ino does her best to channel Shikamaru. He has a very particular way of cutting through the noise. Hinata looks right into her ocean eyes, and blinks. There is a point right before deciding to lie to your friend about a boy, where you ask yourself how mad they will be that you thought they would judge you for being a human being. Hinata bites her lip.</p><p>“I called him.” Hinata whispers. “I called Sasuke, and told him I miss him and love him and want him back.” She pauses to breathe. “It hurts to pretend otherwise.” Ino wraps her arms around Hinata again, and pulls her close.</p><p>“He better have been nice.” Ino growls, “like, really fucking nice.” Hinata sighs.</p><p>“He says he needs time to be different.” She hugs Ino back, “he needs time but he feels the same, too.” Ino makes a happy noise in the back of her throat, jostling Hinata around, until she suggests they make tea, for when Sakura and Tenten come back.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>The beach is cold. It doesn’t take her long to find Tenten, who is still throwing up on the beach. It’s just bile now.</p><p>“What happened?” Sakura runs up to her, and starts rubbing her back. Tenten puts her hand up, waiting for one last heave. Tenten has never properly looked for anyone else. She doesn’t think her body is stuck on Sai; her orgasm proved that. But she had done this to trigger her gag reflex, to see if her body still works. She came, but at a price.</p><p>Tenten thinks her soul knows that Sai is the only person she wants. She waits for one, two, three seconds, and puts her head up. She looks at Sakura, whose eyes are filled with worry.</p><p>“Nothing bad.” Tenten replies. “I had sex with someone else, and I wasn’t ready to.” When she starts crying, Sakura pulls her into a hug. Tenten feels her hot breath on her back, and allows herself to lose it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>They come back to the house at around 1:30 AM. The lights are on, and Ino and Hinata are waiting up for them. They are still wearing their clothes from earlier. Tenten heads into the kitchen for water, her throat raw from puking. It is like she has undergone a trial or a ritual cleansing. She is famished. Absolutely starving in a way she hasn’t felt in five months.</p><p>“What happened?” Ino asks. Sakura quietly explains while Tenten pours a glass of water and chugs it. She licks her lips after, as she looks over the counter to see Hinata looking at her.</p><p>“Do you need to talk?” Hinata asks. Tenten looks at the ground.</p><p>“I just miss Sai.” She shrugs, turning away. “Also, I’m absolutely starving. I can’t remember the last time I was this hungry.” Her appetite roars to life.</p><p>Ino claps her hands together and decides that they should all eat something. Hinata immediately decides to make herself useful, while Tenten leaves the kitchen to brush her teeth. She changes into her pajamas, and when she comes back downstairs, Hinata is telling Sakura how long she and Sasuke were together.</p><p>“About a year.” Hinata says, looking in the pantry. Sakura wrinkles her forehead.</p><p>“But Sasuke said that Sai made a move on Tenten first,” she says, “he said that I won the bet.” Tenten takes a seat beside Sakura.</p><p>“He lied so Naruto would pay on your date.” Tenten reaches for an orange, and rolls it on the counter before peeling it, like Sai does. Sakura doesn’t comment on the habit.</p><p>“He is traditional that way,” Hinata adds. She picks up a box of expired pancake mix. “Does this look good Tenten?”</p><p>“Yes,” Tenten replies, “I could eat anything, now.” The two women smile at each other while Ino looks for some sort of cooking oil and Sakura talks about her date with Naruto.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>They go to bed at 3 AM and wake up at around 10 AM. It doesn’t help that the cocaine sapped all their dopamine. It takes several hours, but eventually they all get to Konoha in one piece. Sakura drops all three off at Hokage Tower, before driving home and sleeping for the next ten years.</p><p>Tenten decides to head over to the academy, since she doesn’t want to deal with her teammates. She feels better, but she looks like she hasn’t slept well. Ino walks home, while Hinata waits for Neji.</p><p>It takes an hour, but Neji, Sai and Sasuke eventually emerge. Sasuke looks at her and waves. She smiles, but she calls to Neji. Sai looks to Sasuke, and she can’t hear their conversation but they walk off together. Neji opens his arms, and Hinata runs into them, pressing her face into his chest.</p><p>“Is everything okay?” Neji asks, his smile falling. Hinata nods, but he can feel her tears soaking his shirt. “Most people who are okay don’t start crying in public.” He mutters under his breath, and Hinata laughs.</p><p>“Yesterday was a lot.” Hinata pulls back, and Neji wipes her tears away like he did when he was four and she was three.</p><p>“I thought you went to the beach.” He replies.</p><p>“I did, and it was…far from horrible.” Hinata pauses, “but it wasn’t fun.” Neji laughs.</p><p>“Beaches are the worst.” He hugs her again.</p><p>“I just feel weak, I guess.” Hinata returns his hug, and Neji sighs.</p><p>“You’re not weak at all.” He replies, “not one little bit.”</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>When Tenten finds Lee, he is sitting on the bench at the academy. He pats the spot next to him, and she drops her bag before sitting beside him.</p><p>“I feel like shit,” she groans. Lee smiles.</p><p>“The philistines didn’t appreciate my wall of erotica.” Lee says. Tenten snorts.</p><p>“They don’t get culture.” She puts her head in her hands, and Lee nods.</p><p>“I told them that, but they didn’t even try to listen.” He crosses his arms, offended all over again.</p><p>“I had inadvisable and poorly thought out sex.” She rubs her eyes.</p><p>“Is there any other kind?” Lee asks earnestly. Tenten turns to look at him.</p><p>“What kind of sex are you having?” she asks, before wrinkling her nose. “Wait, do I want to know the answer to that question?” Lee smiles, shaking his head.</p><p>“What happened?” he asks, changing the subject back to Tenten. She frowns.</p><p>“I had sex with a stranger on the beach,” she shrugs, “and then I puked my guts out.” If he is disgusted, he doesn’t show it.</p><p>“You are going to be okay.” He rubs her back, and she sighs. He is the closest thing she has to a mother.</p><p>“I have also been really hungry, like, all day.” She sighs. Lee smiles.</p><p>“We should go get something to eat.” He stands up. “How about ramen?” Tenten nods, and stands up while Lee picks up her bag.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p>Ino slinks home, and she is grateful to see Shikamaru on the couch. Every so often he works from home. Today must be one of those days. She drops her bag at the door, and after kicking off her shoes, pads over to him. He looks up, blinking at her tired face. He figured she would be in a mood from destroying her dopamine receptors, but he didn’t think she would look half-dead.</p><p>“How was the beach?” he asks, unsure if he wants the answer. “Can your brain still make dopamine?” Ino glares at him, but she doesn’t change her course.</p><p>“I have an emotional hangover,” she whines, falling onto him and the files on his lap. His arms are under her, and he decides to ride this one out. She will get uncomfortable and move. Eventually.</p><p>“How?” he asks. She glares at the irritation in his voice. He gives her a <em>what?</em> expression.</p><p>“Tenten had sex in public and then puked on the beach, Hinata called Sasuke telling him that she wants him back. Oh, and Sakura and Naruto slept together.” Ino sits up, and moves the files from his lap to the coffee table, giving him the chance to move his arms.</p><p>“Fuck,” is his only response. He tilts his head and blinks, both trying to picture all of this and repress it from his memory. Ino flops back onto him, pressing her face into his lap.</p><p>“I <em>know</em>,” she says. She puts her head up to look at him. “You aren’t allowed to break up with me, or to let me break up with you. Tenten and Hinata are stable and look at them. I’m too cute to be that messy!” Her voice is shrill at the end, and he frowns.</p><p>“I have more dignity than to beg you not to break up with me.” Ino glares at him, and he shrugs. “It could be fun to watch you be that messy.” He snickers, and Ino goes to thump him. He catches her wrist in time, but he lets her lie on him like a dead fish for the next hour before he moves her off, muttering about <em>deadlines</em> and being <em>the only competent one in that goddamn office</em>. So Ino curls up next to him and looks at her nails until he tells her to just go to bed and sleep until her brain starts making dopamine again.  </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Okay, so this is probably one of my other favourite chapters--it was a lot of fun to write, and I got to put in a lot of dumb details. I would love to hear comments/feedback on this one, since it was one of the earliest chapters written. I will come back and fix the typos. </p><p>The below are all real, and with the exception of the songs and the several references to Nabokov, they are all explicit. You can look them up, or not, it is up to you. I have summarized them all, so you aren’t missing out on anything in the context of the story. </p><p>The podcast Hinata mentions is the Savage Lovecast, and the particular episode referenced aired the week of June 5, 2020.</p><p>There really is an 1875 nishiki-e showing woman serving her husband’s mistress’s genitals to said husband (photo: Osaka nichinichi shinbun).</p><p>Toshio Saeki was an actual Japanese artist. Most of his work combined pop culture and mythic imagery. There is a good article about him on artsy.net. </p><p>Robert Mappelthorpe was an American photographer. He is famous for his black and white portraits, as well as his pictures featuring BDSM. He was pals with Patti Smith. </p><p>There really is an erotic poem about eating someone out like pizza by the fire. I read it during my undergrad, but alas, the document has been lost on my computer. You are all just going to have to trust me on this one. </p><p>Les Grande Odalisque by Jean Auguste Dominique Ingres is owned by the Louvre. It is famous for the anatomically incorrect back, which adds several vertebrae to the subject’s spine.<br/>The song playing in the bar is “Say So” by Doja Cat.<br/>I listened to “Cayendo (Side A)”  by Frank Ocean while writing the scene between Sasuke and Hinata.<br/>The overall mood is  “Graceland Too” by Phoebe Bridgers.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. A Shitty Car Ride and a Turned Corner</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A step above a pet rock and real change.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em>“And if my heart is really yours/ Boy, you’ll come back to me”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Teyana Taylor, “Come Back to Me”</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It has been a few days since the beach, and Sakura still hasn’t fully recovered. She has been sleeping well and eating properly, but there is still a big fat rock in her gut. She is angry, but she has been trying to supress it. Her wrath won’t make anything better, and none of it is her business. She is learning to not meddle in the affairs of others. If Sai and Sasuke want to allow their lives to be ruined, who is she to have an opinion?</p><p>She is in the back of her father’s pick up, wedged between Sasuke and Sai, with Shikamaru driving and Naruto in the passenger seat. They are coming back from the farm Sakura’s mom likes to buy her produce from. Shikamaru’s mom wanted some vegetables too, so she sent him when Sakura’s mom had mentioned the trip. They also have a bakery, and Sakura had promised Sai that she would buy him a muffin. He, Naruto and Sasuke had nothing better to do, so they simply tagged along. To her left, Sai eats his muffin while looking out the window. Sasuke’s muffin sits on his lap, untouched.</p><p>Her arms are crossed, and she is frowning. Shikamaru keeps looking at her in the rear-view mirror, and Naruto is trying to poke at what’s wrong. She has been in a mood all day, and unlike Sai and Sasuke, Shikamaru and Naruto don’t feel at ease in the face of Hurricane Sakura. Sasuke always said it gave his life a certain level of predictability, knowing that she would occasionally blow up at the three of them. Sai has simply dealt with worse.</p><p>Naruto looks back over his shoulder, and while Sasuke and Sai are more or less content, Sakura looks even angrier than before.</p><p>“Sakura,” Naruto says gently, “are you okay?” Shikamaru grips the steering wheel, anticipating her blow up. She is worse than Ino.</p><p>“No,” she says quietly, “I am not okay.” Sai pops the rest of his muffin in his mouth and turns to look at her. Sasuke sighs loudly. Shikamaru and Naruto exchange looks. She isn’t quiet unless she is really, really angry. Shikamaru considers pulling over.</p><p>Sasuke picks up his muffin and starts picking at it. “Learn to feel nothing like the rest of us,” Sasuke says with his mouth full, “whatever it is, it probably isn’t important.” Naruto and Sai make eye contact. That is the wrong thing to say. Sakura puffs her cheeks, until she blows up.</p><p>“That is such bullshit,” she says, “bullshit, bullshit, <em>BULLSHIT</em>.” She thumps Sasuke and Sai’s respective thighs with each ‘bullshit’. Sasuke’s muffin falls to the floor as he tries to catch her arm, and Sai presses himself to the passenger door.</p><p>“Why are you yelling?” Sasuke asks, “and why are you hitting us?”</p><p>“Did we do something to upset you?” Sai asks, as Sasuke catches both of her wrists. She starts kicking out, and Shikamaru swears loudly.</p><p>“Yes,” she replies, “I am very upset with both of you!”</p><p>“Sakura, do you have to do this <em>now</em>?” Shikamaru asks, looking for a place to pull over.</p><p>“Yes, I do.” She keeps squirming, and Sai presses down on her legs to keep her from kicking out. Sai and Sasuke have never made her this angry before. She normally reserves this for when Naruto endangers himself. In a way, Sai is touched that they could affect her so.</p><p>“Just tell us what we did,” Sasuke grits his teeth, “and we will take it back, I swear.” He holds back the <em>you are not cute enough to act like this</em>. He doesn’t know how, but he does. Growth.</p><p>“<em>NO</em>,” she yells, “there is no way that you can just take it back.” She stops squirming, but they don’t let go.</p><p>“What happened?” Naruto asks, confused. He feels like he would have remembered whatever Sai and Sasuke had done to deserve this reaction.</p><p>“Wait,” Shikamaru says, “aren’t you with them all the time?” Naruto nods in response, and Shikamaru groans. So, no one knows why she is this angry. <em>Great</em>.</p><p>“These two are choosing to be miserable for the rest of their lives,” she says, “they are actively choosing to be less human…”</p><p>“What are you talking about?” Sasuke, irritated, tries to keep his own temper in check.</p><p>“I’m talking about Hinata and Tenten crying during our trip to the beach because you two can’t get your acts together.” Sakura huffs. Sai and Sasuke leap away, as if repelled. Sai’s jaw is clenched, and Sasuke’s eyes are swirling. Ino had once told Shikamaru that she would never want to be around if Sai, Sasuke and Sakura were all to lose their tempers. <em>They are all fire signs</em>, Ino had said, <em>they are wild</em>. He wishes his mom hadn’t run into Sakura’s mom that day. He could be at home with Ino, instead of in a car with four of the strongest ninjas in Konoha, three of whom are deciding to hash out their differences in a moving vehicle. <em>Just my luck</em>, he groans.</p><p>Sai narrows his eyes at Sakura. He is mad that she is doing this, but he also feels sick in his stomach, knowing Tenten cried. “Why were they crying?” Sai asks, quietly.</p><p>“Because you two aren’t doing anything to get them back!” Sakura shouts. Sasuke narrows his eyes, because she is wrong. But he is also angry that she is airing out their personal business.</p><p>“Tenten broke up with me,” Sai says quietly. “Her decision is why we are apart.”</p><p>“So did Hinata,” Sasuke replies, “I am respecting her boundaries.” Sasuke crosses his arms. He is not about to tell her about their conversation on the phone.</p><p>“Have you not spoken to them?” Sakura retorts.</p><p>“Well, when someone breaks up with you it is generally bad form to not accept it.” Sasuke drawls.</p><p>“<em>SASUKE</em>!” Sakura exclaims. Shikamaru somehow keeps the car on the road, and Naruto covers his ears. Sai frowns, and Sasuke sees red.</p><p>“Ah yes,” Sasuke drawls, “yelling at your friends about relationships that don’t involve you. That is what the sane and well-adjusted do. Sai, take notes!” Sasuke snarls. Sakura shoots a look at Sasuke, before Sai gets her attention.</p><p>“I have no idea what you have heard, but I have made it very clear to Tenten that I would like to be with her. She should have spoken to me instead.” Sai crosses his arms, and glowers into the back of the driver’s seat. “Shikamaru, could you please pull over? I am going to walk back.” Sakura, incensed as Shikamaru pulls over, glares at Sai.</p><p>“She puked after having sex with someone else because she only wants <em>YOU</em>.”</p><p>There is a moment after you hear something you should never have known, where you feel a sick satisfaction for still being alive after a piece of your soul dies. Sai blinks. He takes in a breath. He can feel all his fingers and toes. Shikamaru puts the car in park.</p><p>Sai has never been angrier with Sakura. Definitely angrier than when she went and nearly got killed by Sasuke, and he had been <em>angry</em>. She is his best friend, and while he knows why she is doing this, he still didn’t need to know that Tenten had slept with someone else, or that she puked after.</p><p>“I have told her, for months, that I am ready for her, and that she is the only one I want.” Sai inhales. “Forgive me, if I am angry that she can tell everyone else but me.” Sai unbuckles his seatbelt and opens the car door. He starts walking, and the decides to take off into the trees. Shikamaru and Naruto watch his back disappear, while Sakura collects her wits so she can turn on Sasuke.</p><p>“What is your excuse! All Hinata wanted was for to hold your hand in public. You are such a <em>coward</em>!” He wants to say something poisonous, something that will tear Sakura apart. Sasuke wants her to feel the kind of pain he is in. But he bites it all back, remembering when he told Hinata to take five breaths before reacting in anger. Sasuke frowns and unbuckles his seatbelt and gets out of the car. He takes five breaths, keeping his back to the car.</p><p>Inside, Sakura struggles with her seatbelt. “I can’t believe those two!”</p><p>“I can,” Shikamaru replies, “I don’t think I have ever truly empathized with Sai or Sasuke before.” She swears under her breath, ignoring Shikamaru and Naruto’s pleas to calm down. She gets out of the car, and slams the door shut as Sasuke turns around.</p><p>“<em>Sasuke</em>! Do you think I am doing this for my health?” Sakura flails her arms.</p><p>“No, I suspect you are doing this out of a misplaced sense of care,” Sasuke does his best imitation of Sai. It only makes Sakura frown more.</p><p>“Do you think Naruto and I want you and Sai to be miserable and alone! We want you two to be happy!” Sakura stamps her foot, “and I <em>refuse</em> to stand by and watch you two choose to be unhappy when I know that Hinata and Tenten want you two back.” For the first time, it registers for Sasuke that Sakura is crying. Naruto scrambles out of the car, and Sasuke looks between his two friends.</p><p>“This is how you think you are going to make Sai and I happy? By berating us?” Sasuke tries to use his inside voice. Sakura sighs.</p><p>“You two don’t listen unless I’m screaming.” She says, “when it comes to this stuff, the two of you think you have to suffer alone.” She blinks, and for the first time, it occurs to Sasuke that Sakura knows him just as well as Naruto. His mouth twitches, and he looks to Naruto.</p><p>“We all knew about you and Hinata.” Naruto says. “It wasn’t a secret.” Sasuke looks to the ground, trying not to think about the stinging in his eyes.</p><p>“You all knew.” He says this quietly. He knew this already. But to hear it? Well, it murders something in him.</p><p>“You weren’t subtle.” Sakura rubs her arm, looking at him. Sasuke starts nodding, turns around, and walks back towards to village. Sakura looks back into the pickup and sees his half-eaten muffin on the floor of the car. She picks it up, and throws it into the woods, as Naruto hops back into the car.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Sai’s anger makes the walk back to the village pass quickly. Unfortunately, he doesn’t feel any better. He gets to the village and walks around, aimlessly. He doesn’t know what upsets him more; knowing that Tenten had sex with someone else, or that she puked after. <em>Did he hurt her?</em> Sai wonders. The thought makes him clench his jaw. He would gladly hunt him down, if asked. All she would need to do is ask. It’s not a noble impulse, but it is there.</p><p>Sai decides to go and buy something to eat. Hands on his hips, he looks down at the ready-to-go meals available to him. Rice balls, sandwiches, salads. Nothing of great appeal. He wishes that he had bought another muffin. That would have been a nice snack. He sighs, resigning himself to hunger, when Yamato comes up behind him.</p><p>“Sai,” he says, “how are you?” Sai considers lying. It would be harmless, he thinks. But Yamato is the kind of person who wants to know the truth.</p><p>“I don’t feel well,” he says. “I’m going through a lot.”</p><p>“What does <em>a lot</em> mean?” Yamato asks, looking down at the sandwiches. He is craving ham.</p><p>“Tenten and I were seeing each other,” Sai begins. Yamato smiles.</p><p>“Ah yes,” Yamato says, “dating someone on the same squad. Always a mistake.”</p><p>“It didn’t feel like a mistake,” Sai counters. Yamato looks at him with a sympathetic expression.</p><p>“The past tense is the key here.” He says.</p><p>“It still doesn’t feel like a mistake,” Sai adds, “but she and I are no longer together, and I don’t think I can work directly with her, anymore. It hurts too much.” Sai watches Yamato pick up a ham sandwich, choosing one that isn’t smooshed, and read the ingredient list.</p><p>“Then request a transfer,” Yamato says, “you aren’t the first person this has happened to.”</p><p>“You think I should do it?” Sai asks. Yamato sighs.</p><p>“Do you want my advice, or do you just want to talk about the problem you are having with someone who hasn’t heard about it before?” Yamato expresses his kindness in his directness. It is an indication that you have his respect.</p><p>“I would be happiest if we got back together.” Sai keeps his voice even, “but she doesn’t want to.” Yamato nods.</p><p>“All you can do is make the decision for yourself, Sai. Stop thinking about what you want, or what she wants, and what you need to move on and do your job.” He does his best to look at Sai without pity. “It’s your life, Sai.” Yamato tosses the sandwich up in the air and catches it, before waving goodbye.</p><p>Sai looks back down at the sandwiches, and frowns. It’s true; his life is his own. But Konoha claimed it for itself as soon as they assigned him to Root and conditioned him to repress his emotions. In a French book he is reading, the authors suggest that society trains people to not only repress themselves, but to also desire that repression. In other words, you internalize the laws of society so that they are enjoyable to you, in the sense that you find more security and safety in upholding them than in for looking out for your actual best interests. So, while your life may, at face-value, be your own, it is shaped by forces that condition you to uphold the status-quo rather than challenge it. Sai now knows that this process is what being <em>normal</em> is about.  </p><p>But Tenten, she changed him. She is the first person who didn’t care if he were normal or expected him to do things that made her more comfortable in his presence. She just liked him. It made him so happy, that their relationship was always on her terms. They both want the same thing, but it feels like she is the one who is in actual control.</p><p>What bothers him is that he has made it so painfully clear, over and over again, that he wants her, and she has said repeatedly that she feels the same way about him, but she always finds a reason to say no. He wonders if maybe Tenten gets some pleasure out of telling him no, leaving him dangling off of a metaphorical cliff.</p><p>He has been dicking around, not putting in the paperwork but telling everyone that he wants to leave. But Yamato is right; it is Sai’s life, and he doesn’t want to continue cruising along and accepting whatever treatment that comes his way.</p><p>He is going to look into the paperwork as soon as he gets home.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t know how it came to be this way, but whenever Sasuke runs into a problem that he can’t solve on his own, he walks over to Tenten’s apartment to see if she wants to talk about it. He walks up the stairs, two at a time, and knocks his distinct tap-tap-tap.</p><p>She answers the door wearing a big navy sweater and shorts. Tenten is chewing something, and she waves him in, hand over her mouth. Sasuke figures she must like what she is eating, because she has a habit of speaking with her mouth full. It’s one of her more charming quirks.</p><p>“Hi Ten,” he says, “do you have a few minutes?” Tenten nods at him, before she swallows her food.</p><p>“I always have time for the Great Uchiha Sasuke,” she smirks, “do you want a pancake? I’ve been craving the all the time lately.” She walks back to the kitchen, and Sasuke spies a huge plate of pancakes. “They are chocolate chip,” she says, picking one up off the plate and tearing it in half. She stands by the counter, watching as he takes a plate out for himself and puts two pancakes on it, before walking over to her bed and sitting on it.</p><p>“You need to get a chair.” Sasuke licks a bit of chocolate off of his finger.</p><p>“You came here knowing I don’t have one.” Tenten bites off another piece of pancake before swallowing the first piece.</p><p>“It’s because I hope that you will change.” He drawls, “I’m an optimist now.” She snorts.</p><p>“Oh?” she asks. “Here I was, thinking you were about to vent.” Sasuke shrugs.</p><p>“How was the beach?” he asks. Tenten frowns.</p><p>“I told you already. I ate oysters and did coke.” She didn’t really want to tell him about the rest of her trip.</p><p>“When were you going to tell me that you had sex on a beach with a stranger and puked after?” Sasuke bites into a pancake and watches her eyes go wide. Her face turns pink, and then white. “I am guessing that you wanted to repress that particular memory. I don’t blame you.”</p><p>“Who told you?” she asks. Sasuke blinks.</p><p>“Sakura,” he says, “she got mad that Sai and I are ruining our lives by not being with you and Hinata, and when told that it wasn’t her business, she let that slip. Naruto and Shikamaru know too.” Sasuke puts another piece of pancake into his mouth. “These are really good, Ten.”</p><p>Her mouth is open wide, and she looks like she is still in shock. “She was yelling at us and blurted it out. You know how she gets.” Sasuke waves his hand. Tenten sputters.</p><p>“Sai <em>knows</em>?” she asks. He nods. She looks crushed.</p><p>“He also knows how badly you snore, I doubt this will change how he feels for you.” Sasuke pauses. “Actually, he seemed pretty jealous.” She has a panicky feeling in her chest; she doesn’t want him to leave the team and knowing this may actually push him over the edge.</p><p>“I have to tell him that I’m not over him,” she says, looking around for her keys. Sasuke blinks at her.</p><p>“What?” he asks.</p><p>“I have to go find Sai and tell him that this doesn’t mean I’m over him.” Tenten is biting her lip, wondering how in the hell she lost her house keys in such a barren apartment.</p><p>“Why are you telling him this?” Sasuke asks. He has a feeling that her answer won’t be a good one.</p><p>“Because he can’t leave the team. I don’t want him to leave, I don’t want him to think that I am over him!” Tenten, in hysterics, is waving her arms around. The tears are gathering in the corners of her eyes, and Sasuke can tell that if he doesn’t intervene, she really will make an ass of herself.</p><p>“You want to go tell him that having sex with someone else meant nothing, because you don’t want him to leave the team?” Sasuke asks. She nods, chewing on her lower lip. “Does this mean you want to be with him? Because that is the logical follow up question.”</p><p>“I don’t deserve it,” Tenten says, “I don’t deserve him, not after what I did.” Sasuke sighs and gets up. He embraces her, and she buries her head in his chest.</p><p>“Don’t go and tell him that,” Sasuke says, “it would only hurt more to hear that you don’t want to move on, but that you also won’t give him what he wants. Let Sai know some sort of peace.” He can feel Tenten begin to shake, which is how he knows that she is crying.</p><p>“But…I…I…Neji will be mad, and I hurt Sai so <em>bad</em>,” Tenten presses herself into Sasuke, like she is trying to burrow into him.</p><p>“In your defense, you are just trying to punish yourself.” He sighs, holding her tight.</p><p>“I can’t go back and change my mind,” she says quietly, “I don’t know how to admit that I was wrong.” Sasuke knows the feeling. But Hinata called him and told him to come home. The frustrating and beautiful thing about life is that change is always possible.</p><p>“You can always be different,” he says softly, “you don’t have to be the same person you were the day before. It’s not too late to change your mind, but the longer you wait, the harder it will be.” Tenten cries harder, and Sasuke looks up at the ceiling. “If this isn’t what you want, don’t sit here and act like it. Go and tell him that you want to change your mind, if he is still open to it. But only when you’re ready. Because what you have now is wishy-washy.” He smiles as she laughs against him, and she turns her face up to look at his. Her eyes are big and red and shiny.</p><p>Sasuke wonders about disobedience. He used to find it easy, but now, not so much. Resistance got him nowhere, and he always tried to resist the wrong thing. But looking at the pain in Tenten’s eyes, he can’t hold it in anymore.</p><p>“Ten?” he asks.</p><p>“Yes.” She replies softly.</p><p>“Neji and I talked about the target you killed. T&amp;I confirmed that he was useless.” Sasuke says, “your instincts were correct—he wouldn’t have been valuable at all.”</p><p>“I did the right thing?” she asks, blinking. Sasuke nods. Tenten doesn’t know why, but she just starts crying again. Sasuke stands there until she is okay.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Two weeks roll by, and Ino decides that Hinata and Tenten need to be tested for STIs. They don’t question her. They simply obey. This is an indignity that they, quite frankly, deserve. Sitting in the waiting room, Tenten leans back, looking up at the ceiling, while Hinata stares straight ahead. They can’t help but think that this all could have been avoided if they had the self-awareness to know that they don’t enjoy one-night stands. Sai and Sasuke aren’t the best with feelings, but they knew themselves well enough to know that they don’t like to have sex without feelings.</p><p>Neither woman is in a talkative mood. Tenten feels more than a little ashamed, and Hinata wonders if Tenten has been with Sasuke. She’s more than pretty enough, and they spend a lot of time together, drinking. Her jealousy makes Hinata upset. She’s been jealous before but never to the extent that it throws her whole being off. So, she decides to bite the bullet and be honest.</p><p>“Tenten,” she asks in her silver voice, “did you ever sleep with Sasuke?”</p><p>Hinata doesn’t look beside her. She prefers to stare ahead. But she hears the startled noise Tenten makes, and the way she slams her hands down on the armrests of her chair.</p><p>“No, fuck, no.” Tenten swears. A mother covers her daughter’s ears. “Why would you ask me something like that?” she hisses. Hinata’s lower lip trembles.</p><p>“Because you are with him all the time. You always look happy together,” her voice is small, and she clasps her hands together.</p><p>“To Sasuke, I am a step above a pet rock.” Tenten says, “and I have never had any interest in him.” She stretches her legs out in front of her, tapping her heels on the floor.</p><p>“Really?” Hinata asks. Tenten nods.</p><p>
  
  <em>Really.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Hinata hasn’t seen Sasuke in three weeks, since she saw him leave Hokage Tower with Sai. Every day she wakes up, hoping he will come back. Stretching an arm, she will smooth over his side of the bed. Whenever she tried sleeping with someone else, she would pretend that his side was actually hers. Hinata never liked the idea of someone taking his place.</p><p>She is tempted to tell him that nothing needs to change. But that would make her a liar. At the same time, waiting is killing her.</p><p>She walks down the hall, delivering an intelligence report to Shikamaru. Hinata is thinking about all the things she has to buy from the grocery store after work, when she looks ahead to see a familiar mask. He is already standing still. He saw her first. Hinata stops, looking at him.</p><p>This is the same hallway where he first showed her his face. Sasuke tries to think of all the things he wants to tell her: how he is learning to be free, that he spends all his energy thinking about how he can make things different, set a new tone to their relationship. That he wants to touch her, to wrap his arms around her and murmur how much he loves her into the side of her head.</p><p>But he is on duty. Snake isn’t supposed to be weak, not like Sasuke. He puts his hand out. “Shikamaru wanted me to pick up the file,” he says softly. It’s the same voice from their phone call. Hinata’s mouth goes dry, and she has to fight the urge to jump him. She holds the file to her chest, staring into the holes in his mask.</p><p>She should be avoidant and professional. But he is the love of her life, and she has been without him for what feels like years. She has been pretending she is okay, that she is indifferent to all of this, for so long. She can’t deny him anything, and all he wants is time. But time is a finite resource, and neither of them knows how much there is to give before it is too late.</p><p>Hinata walks up to him and hands him the file. He takes it from her hand, but he doesn’t move. “Snake.” She murmurs. He nods, and steps back. When he turns away, Hinata feels the tears sting her eyes, and she calls for him again. “Snake!” Hinata exclaims, and he freezes. “Please, come home soon.” He turns on his heels, and she doesn’t know what he is thinking, until she sees him put a hand behind his head and unbuckle his mask.</p><p>For the second time, Sasuke sheds Snake for her. Her chest flutters, and something about seeing his whole face soothes her. Like she needed visual confirmation that he is still among the living. He doesn’t look like he has been sleeping well. But his eyes are still the same. His mouth is set in its line, but his jaw is soft, and she knows in her heart, that he is happy to see her too.</p><p>“Hinata.” He says her name quietly, like the way he says it should remain a secret. She smiles, even though her eyes are watering.</p><p>“Do you still need more time?” Hinata asks. Sasuke opens his mouth to answer, when a swirl of leaves appears, and Sai stands beside him. Well, Monkey.</p><p>Sai doesn’t know what to think when he sees Sasuke without the mask. He is about to rebuke him, when he turns to see Hinata, tears sitting in her eyes and a smile on her face. She and Sasuke both look at him, and Sai exhales. He leans into Sasuke’s ear, and mutters so Hinata can’t hear him. “Be in Shikamaru’s office in a minute. Put your mask on. I’ll cover for you.” Sai leans back and nods at Hinata, before disappearing.</p><p>Sasuke looks at Hinata, and he blinks before putting his mask back on. She crosses her arms, sensing the inevitable and hating it. “Soon.” She blinks, and Sasuke is gone too.</p><p>Hinata swallows, and rushes back to her office, where Ino sits, reading a file. Hinata slams the door, crying, before Ino rushes to her and asks what happened. All Hinata can do is gasp <em>soon, he said soon, what does soon even mean?</em> Ino pats her head and tells her to get a grip. He said he was coming back. Just trust him.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>For reasons none of them can fathom, Sakura doesn’t cancel team breakfast and Naruto, Sasuke and Sai all show up on time. They don’t say anything as Sakura prepares the food, and when they sit down, they can tell that even after all this time, Sakura is still angry. Naruto sits beside her, obviously nervous. Sasuke and Sai sit across from them, as if Naruto and Sakura are their parents and they have gone and massively pissed them off. Like, royally.</p><p>Sakura pokes at the eggs on her plate, while Naruto chomps on bacon. Sai sips his tea, and Sasuke decides to try and be vulnerable. If he can’t be honest with the three people who still feel obligated to like him, it will be impossible to do so with other people. Sasuke reaches for the milk and pours some into his coffee before clearing his throat to speak.</p><p>“I haven’t been myself lately. I was with Hinata for a year and we broke up a few months ago, and because I lied about the relationship, I thought I had to suffer in silence. Every time a shitty thing happens to me everyone knows, and I wanted to try and deal with this on my own.” Sasuke pauses, thinking. “But Hinata asked me to come back, and things need to be different. I have to be a better person, and that means being vulnerable and okay with people knowing that I am in a relationship with her, which shouldn’t be a problem but is actually really scary to admit.” Sasuke picks up his mug and swirls the coffee in it. “You’re the people I love the most, and I thought you should know first.” Sasuke sips his coffee. Sakura and Naruto look at him intently, the latter opening his mouth to speak, when Sai speaks up.</p><p>“I want to transfer from my Anbu team. Tenten always said that I cruise through life, and it’s true. Bad things happen to me and I just go with it. Our whole relationship has been on her terms, and I just accepted what she was willing to give. But I don’t want to wait around anymore. It’s my life, and I want to live it. I want to stop cruising. I want to be able to move on, and that won’t happen if I see her at work.” Sai picks up a piece of egg and puts it into his mouth.</p><p>Sakura and Naruto stare at the two of them. This is the most open and honest either of them has been in a long time. They turn to look at each other, before they look back at Sai and Sasuke. Sakura speaks first. “Okay, we can work with that.” She nods as she says this, the way moms do when they look into your eyes and tell you that you are going to be okay.</p><p>“Thanks for telling us,” Naruto smiles, “is there anything else we should know?” Sasuke sighs.</p><p>“Our team is in fucking shambles.” He crosses his arms. “I’m the communicator now. <em>ME!</em> I’m a temperamental asshole.”</p><p>“He really isn’t very good at it,” Sai confirms. “We are all off. It is…”</p><p>“A total fuck show.” Sasuke finishes Sai’s thought for him. Naruto laughs from his belly, and Sakura smirks.</p><p>“That’s actually pretty funny,” she says, putting a piece of bacon in her mouth. “You want to hear something gross?”</p><p>“Do we have a choice?” Sasuke asks. Sai and Naruto don’t bother asking.</p><p>“Hinata and Ino listen to this sex advice podcast, and a woman called in wanting to know if it is safe to snort fresh semen.” As soon as the words are out of her mouth, they react. Naruto makes a retching noise, and Sasuke chokes on his coffee. Sai looks like he swallowed a lemon. Sakura cackles. “Sorry, I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I was the only one on the team who knew that this kink exists.” Sai recovers himself first.</p><p>“This is worse than Lee’s porn wall.” He says, “at least that had artistic merit.” Sasuke snorts.</p><p>“Sure.” Sasuke smirks, “so, Naruto, would you blow a load up Sakura’s nose?”</p><p>“What!?” Naruto slams his fists on the table while Sakura makes a face of disgust. “Why are you asking me that question?!”</p><p>“Because you two slept together and thought we wouldn’t figure it out.” Sasuke sips his coffee as Sai nods. Sakura and Naruto stay silent, so Sai decides to needle them a little more.</p><p>“Sakura,” Sai says, “would you like to snort Naruto’s semen?” Sakura suddenly comes to life, and she throws her plate of food at Sai’s head. Anticipating this, he dodges, and it ends up on the floor behind him. Sasuke smirks when he sees it.</p><p>“I feel a lot better, don’t you Sai?” Sasuke asks. Sai smiles, while Sakura complains about her broken plate and Naruto still tries to breath after Sai’s question.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I will get to the typos. Sai read Deleuze and Guattari's Anti-Oedipus.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. A Failed Transfer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>To lines of flight, choices and finally feeling like an animal.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em>“I’ll be your animal”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Billie Eilish, bad guy</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sai and Neji stand before Kakashi and Shikamaru, waiting for an answer. Sai had done the paperwork, and Neji signed it without question. Now, all they have to do is get Kakashi’s stamp of approval, and Sai can transfer to another squad.</p><p>Kakashi looks over the paperwork while Shikamaru looks through some personnel files, presumably for Sai’s replacement.</p><p>“So, you want a transfer,” Kakashi blinks lazily. “Any reason why?”</p><p>“Irreconcilable differences,” Sai replies. It takes a second for them to realize that Sai was making a joke about divorce proceedings on purpose.</p><p>“Hm, is there a real reason?” Kakashi asks. Sai frowns.</p><p>“I want to try something new,” he replies. “I don’t want to be on the hit squad.” Kakashi snorts.</p><p>“So, you’ve developed a conscience?” his voice is full of amusement. “How many years did it take?” Sai clenches his jaw.</p><p>“More than it should,” Sai replies, “a testament to Root training.” There is a minute of silence where Kakashi pins Sai with a hard look, appraising him. It’s awkward for everyone but Kakashi.</p><p>Shikamaru clears his throat and begins to speak. “We should be able to accommodate a transfer,” he says, “Neji, every person in these files has been handpicked by me. They would all be good fits for the team.” Neji steps forward to take the files, but Kakashi puts up his hand.</p><p>“I’m sorry, but I’m not convinced that there are adequate grounds for a transfer.” With a shrug, he puts the form on his desk.</p><p>“Pardon?” Sai asks, feeling empty. It’s like the universe wants him to remain unhappy.</p><p>“What?” Shikamaru makes a confused face, except his confusion is accompanied by an undercurrent of frustration. He spent a long time looking for potential replacements that Neji would be able to accept.</p><p>“The current line-up is strong,” Kakashi replies, “since you won’t tell me the real problem, I can only surmise that it is personal. Whatever it is, fix it.” He picks up another file on his desk, and apparently, Neji and Sai are dismissed.</p><p>“He wants a transfer,” Shikamaru says, “he has the paperwork and everything.”</p><p>“He doesn’t have everything without my approval.” Kakashi reaches for a pen. Sai wilts, and Neji sighs. “You two can go back to work. Sai, figure it out. Hokage’s orders.”</p><p>Sai leaves the office first, with Neji following him. He feels a hand on his arm, and he turns to see Neji. There is a frown on his face, and Sai wants to ask him why he is the one who is upset when Sai is the one condemned to a life of suffering.</p><p>Okay, so suffering is an overestimate. But Sai thought his determination to live his life would be met with encouragement. Of course, Kakashi wouldn’t be a government official if he weren’t trying to keep Sai down.</p><p>“Yes?” Sai asks. Neji sets his mouth into a line, pressing his lips together.</p><p>“Do you love her?” he finally asks. Sai blinks. He tries to keep his face arranged in a neutral expression, but it is obvious that he has a lot of conflicting emotions.</p><p>“Yes,” Sai replies. “I do.” A lot, actually. Unbearably.</p><p>Neji nods, giving a quiet response. “Okay.” He nods, and walks past Sai, leaving him alone.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Sai has been reading a lot of French theory. He doesn’t know why, not really, except it is hard and dense and requires a level of research and concentration that keeps his mind busy. It fascinates him, how much significance the West invests into things like the incest taboo, the generative prospects of language and resistance to fascism.</p><p>The social structure of wolves isn’t actually well-known. Most studies project human structures, such as patriarchy, kinship and heterosexuality onto wolves. The animals are there, but the logic is all human.</p><p>If you think about it, it is entirely possible that the kinship structures between wolves are completely alien to our own. In short, wolves can’t commit incest, for it is a human social structure, necessary for understanding how humans relates themselves to their kin versus those who are not their kin, i.e. how to determine who is inside and outside the family circle. Even then, the law against incest is violated when it suits the clan, or a pack of humans; you don’t get a sharinngan or a byakugan without inbreeding. If the incest taboo is innate, there wouldn’t need to be a law against it.</p><p>Sai sits at the table, explaining all of this to Sakura, Naruto and Sasuke. He acts like this is totally normal conversation. It is obvious that Sai finds all of this informative and interesting. Sakura is doing a lot of polite blinking, and Naruto has a mixture of confusion and disgust on his face.</p><p>The cherry on top is that Sai looks like his typical handsome, Victorian skeletor self.</p><p>Sakura and Naruto have decided that they need to see Sasuke and Sai more frequently. One of the consequences is that they have both become privy to all the weird things that Sai thinks in his head. Sasuke reads similar stuff, so all of this is more or less old news to him. It is kind of funny watching Naruto and Sakura react to something that they can’t comprehend at all, because it challenges their core beliefs of what it means to be in relation to other people.</p><p>“The French sound fucking weird.” Naruto says.</p><p>“It’s just a few theorists,” Sasuke drawls, “not the whole country.”</p><p>“Who wants to read stuff like that?” Naruto squawks. Sasuke shrugs.</p><p>“People who think authoritarianism has its roots in the very foundations of society itself.” Sasuke plays with a hang nail. Root was an apt name for what happened to Sai.</p><p>“Still, incest?” Sakura says, her nose wrinkled.</p><p>“It is probably the oldest social law,” Sai adds.</p><p>“Don’t dismiss something you don’t understand.” Sasuke doesn’t feel like explaining his ambivalence towards Anbu, that he is really only there because it is the closest to a consistent challenge that Sasuke can find. Sai is there because Anbu made itself a core component of his personality.</p><p>Nor does Sasuke want to explain that their Anbu team is a family whose kinship is organized around trauma and loss. They all strive for a sense of self that isn’t based on the horrible things that have happened to them, and repeatedly come to the disappointing conclusion that you really can’t help who you are. You are always, horrifyingly, yourself. You can change your actions, how you behave in the world, but you can only do so when you accept that you can’t change what made you. Sasuke was seven when he was reborn, and it has taken him nineteen years to accept it.</p><p>That’s what Sakura and Naruto don’t understand about what Sai looks for in French theory. He is looking for a way out, “a line of escape.” A self that is anti-authoritarian. Or, at least, a self that can recognize authoritarianism for what it is. Resistance is always possible where revolutionary change isn’t.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Neji has debated telling Tenten the truth for a considerable amount of time. He doesn’t hold back because he was wrong. Rather, he doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t want to admit that all the hurt he has caused was entirely avoidable. Before he goes to sleep, Neji will count up all the damage in his head: his relationships with Tenten, Sasuke and Sai; Sai and Tenten’s relationship; the respect that Shikamaru and Kakashi once had for him as a captain.</p><p>All because Tenten did her job. Why he didn’t trust her judgement, he doesn’t know. But Neji knows he has to try and fix their relationship, and to do that, he has to be honest. Neji figured Sasuke probably told her the truth, despite his warning not to.</p><p>It was a dumb order. Sasuke would be right to disobey it.</p><p>Like it was fated, when he decides this, he looks up to see Tenten sipping an iced coffee on the street. She is looking in the window of a store, and Neji jogs up to her. As if she sensed him, Tenten turns to see him. She tilts her head and Neji stands beside her.</p><p>“Ten,” he says, “do you have a moment?”</p><p>“Is that a command or a question?” she asks.</p><p>“The latter,” he says in a soft voice.</p><p>“I guess.” She sips her iced coffee.</p><p>“I need to tell you something,” he says, “and you aren’t going to like it.”</p><p>“It’s been awhile since you have done anything I’ve like,” she replies. He narrows his eyes.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he says, despite his irritation with her. “I’m sorry for making you choose between Anbu and Sai. I had no right.” Neji tucks his hands into his pockets. “You don’t owe me anything.” Tenten listens to him intently. He can tell by the pinched look on her face.</p><p>The silence stretches between them. Finally, she speaks. “Thank you,” she says softly. Her face relaxes, and it makes Neji soar.</p><p>“The person you killed, he would have been useless,” Neji says, “and besides that, I shouldn’t have questioned your judgement in the first place.”</p><p>“Oh,” she replies softly. In truth, she thought he would never be honest with her. She has never seen Neji without his pride. It’s strange, to see him so vulnerable.</p><p>“Ten?” he asks, uncertain and seeking her reassurance.</p><p>“Thank you for being honest,” she says, “Sasuke told me already.” It’s why she isn’t reacting. All the crying and yelling and laughing has been exhausted. Neji sighs.</p><p>“I figured he would. It was a dumb order.” He says, “he had every right to disobey.” Tenten smiles at him.</p><p>“Maybe you have changed.”</p><p>“Why?” he asks.</p><p>“I never thought I would see the day that you would be okay with Sasuke disobeying direct orders.” Neji smiles.</p><p>“You don’t have to stay away from him, for me.” She exhales.</p><p>
  <em>Thank you.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Parties aren’t fun. Tenten and Sasuke both agree on this point, which is why they arrive at Kiba’s house at the same time, half-cut. They are two hours late, ensuring that everyone else will be drunk by the time they get there. When they arrive, Kiba, Naruto and Lee are dancing, while Sakura and Ino laugh at them. Shikamaru and Chouji are getting stoned with Shino. Neji and Sai are speaking to each other, while Hinata is sitting alone with Akamaru. His head is on her lap, and Sasuke feels something in his chest lock up.</p><p>Tenten turns to look at him, but when she sees who he is looking at, she touches his arm and offers an encouraging smile. “You’ve changed, right?” she pats his arm and walks away.</p><p>Sasuke <em>could</em> play it cool, but he really doesn’t want to. It’s also something the old him would do. So, he swallows and walks up to her. Hinata looks up at him, and he sits down beside her. She sips her drink, waiting for him to speak.</p><p>“How was the beach?” he asks. She smiles.</p><p>“That was weeks ago.” She smiles, “it actually wasn’t a lot of fun. Very salty.” He smiles.</p><p>“Beaches are pretty hit or miss.” He sighs, “I like going to the beach with you.”</p><p>“We always had fun,” Hinata smiles, and Akamaru stretches his neck for a deeper scratch.</p><p>“I’ve been meaning to call you,” he says, “I think I know how to make things different.” Hinata puts her hand on his arm.</p><p>“You don’t need to,” she says softly. He looks around, and no one is paying attention to them.</p><p>“I want to,” he replies. It’s true. Sasuke wants to be a better person, if not for the people he loves, to make his life easier. He deserves to be happy.</p><p>Hinata bites her lip. “So, what did you come up with?” </p><p>“Well, I know this isn’t a great time and I’m not a great guy, but I was wondering if you wanted to go on a real date with me. In public. I’ll even hold your hand, if you want me too.” He puts his hand over hers, and she tries to hide her smile. She doesn’t want him to know how happy it makes her. He already knows how easy it is for him to please her, but she would like to pretend to not thirst for him. She doesn’t want to seem desperate.  </p><p>“Really?” she asks quietly.</p><p>“This week,” he says. She smiles.</p><p>“I can one-up you,” she says quietly. He smirks.</p><p>“How?” Sasuke can tell, in the pit of his stomach, that she is going to say something that he will really like.</p><p>“You should come back home tonight.” She leans in so that her face is close to his. He can feel her breathing on his cheek. He missed this.</p><p>“Home?” he asks quietly, looking at her mouth.</p><p>“Yes,” she replies, “home.” She bites her lip, before leaning forward and pecking the corner of his mouth. He blushes bright pink, as she turns back to Akamaru. Ino isn’t yelling, so Hinata thinks that no one has noticed.</p><p>But when Sasuke turned his head, he saw Tenten smile and give him a thumbs up. He makes a whining noise in his throat and buries the side of his face into Hinata’s shoulder, so that he can only see the wall they are both leaning against. Hinata leans her cheek against the top of his head, and she frowns when she sees Neji smirk at her.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>After watching Sasuke bury his head into Hinata’s shoulder, Tenten feels like she is finally able to relax. After dancing with Lee and Kiba, she decides to go out onto the balcony for some air. Waving her hands in her face, she enjoys the cool breeze. It all feels so nice.</p><p>She hears the door open behind her, and she smiles when she sees that it is Sai. He holds out a glass of water for her, and she takes it. She takes a sip, and then places it on the ground. He crosses his arms and walks over to the railing, looking over Konoha. They both hope that, at the very least, things can be normal.</p><p>“Do you remember the day I saw you on the bridge?” she asks. Sai pouts, refusing to look at her.</p><p>“I was reading that dumb romance novel, wasn’t I?” he asks. Tenten nods.</p><p>“Yeah,” her voice is soft.</p><p>They don’t know what they hope to accomplish by sorting through the wreckage of their relationship. Neither of them wants closure, but they don’t necessarily want to rip the wound open. They just want to poke around, to make sure that it still hurts the other to think about.</p><p>“You were right, about relationships.” Sai says, “ours is messy. The messiest one I have ever been in, at least.”</p><p>“Same here,” she sighs. “Are you still transferring?”</p><p>“Kakashi rejected it,” he replies, “I wouldn’t give him the real reason, and he surmised that it was entirely personal. We work to well together as a team to be…”</p><p>“Broken up because of your dick?” Tenten asks. He smiles at the lightness in her voice, even though he doesn’t want to.</p><p>“I resent the implication,” he says, “your vagina is just as responsible.” Tenten giggles, since it is pretty funny listening to Sai say the word ‘vagina’ in his even, prim voice.</p><p>“Okay, fine.” She smiles at him, and when he turns to look at her, it doesn’t hurt. “Sai, about what Sakura said…” she trails off as she watches him frown.</p><p>“I don’t want to talk about it,” he says. He has decided that it is none of his business. How she chose to get over their relationship is entirely up to her.</p><p>“It’s not what you think,” she says softly. “I…I’m not over you. That’s why I threw up. My body just did it.” She hugs herself, and Sai watches her eyes well up with tears.</p><p>It’s fucked up that she feels like she owes him an apology, but it is as equally fucked up that he knows what happened in the first place. “I’m not your boyfriend,” he says, “you didn’t do anything wrong.” <em>Except making me want to comfort you over this</em>, he thinks.</p><p>“You’re more,” she says quietly, “you’re more and I don’t know how to make you less.” Sai nods.</p><p>“I know,” he says softly, reaching for her against all his better instincts. She throws herself at him, and it kills him to admit that he is pleased to know that she still feels this way. It’s sick. Probably a toxic impulse. He should be encouraging her to move on.</p><p>“Do you think we can be normal, one day?” he asks. She locks her arms around his waist before answering.</p><p>“Is it bad that I don’t want to be normal?” she asks. He stiffens against her.</p><p>“We have to either be together or normal,” he says quietly, “I hate not knowing what we are doing.” It won’t heal until they decide what they are going to do. Tenten whimpers into his chest, and he feels it in the core of his being. “I want to be with you.” She looks up at the underside of his chin and moves to look at his face. “I’m in, but I can’t be for much longer if you aren’t interested.” He swallows, as he looks down at her face. She nods once, twice.</p><p>This is his last stand. If she doesn’t choose him now, it’s over. It has to be. He bites his lower lip, waiting for her response. “I need time,” she says quietly.</p><p>“Time for what?” he asks, taken aback. “You can’t keep answering neither to a yes or no question.”</p><p>“It’s not a neither,” she says, “I need time.”</p><p>“For what?” Sai asks quietly.</p><p>“To figure some things out,” she replies. Her head is still spinning from the fact that she was right, and she knows how she needs to change. But she needs time to get there.</p><p>“I can’t keep doing this,” he pulls away, “I can’t keep giving you time. Either you want me, or you don’t.” His voice rises, and Tenten goes back to hugging herself. The music is still going, but out of the corner of her eye, she sees Shikamaru peeking out at them.</p><p>“Why are you yelling?” she asks. Sai grits his teeth, willing himself to stay calm. He wasn’t yelling, technically, but he was on his way towards getting there.</p><p>“Because I don’t think you realize why we are where we are.” He puts his hands on his hips and frowns.</p><p>“Of course, I know that it is me!” She keeps her voice quiet, so it comes out sharp. Sai frowns.</p><p>“Then you need to make a real choice: either you are in or you are out.” He steps back towards the door. “I am in, but I can’t hang in much longer.” Tenten looks at him, a sad look in her eyes.</p><p>“Do I still have time?” she asks. Sai hates seeing her cry.</p><p>“Always,” he says softly.</p><p>“I promise, I won’t waste it.” Sai wants to tilt his head back and laugh, because while she probably has, he doesn’t feel like that is the case. He will give her everything.</p><p>Instead, he sighs. “I can’t wait much longer. Please, choose me.” He has never said something so singularly pathetic. <em>Please, choose me</em>. Never in his life, did Sai think he would be reduced to this. Tenten opens her mouth to speak, but he can’t stand here and listen to her say she needs more time. So, he turns and leaves the balcony, cutting through the party and straight to the door.</p><p>He slides his feet into his sandals as Shikamaru stands by the door. “You leaving?” he asks.</p><p>“Yes.” Sai replies, not looking at Shikamaru. He stands up, and Shikamaru gives him a knowing look.</p><p>“I’ll make sure Naruto doesn’t notice.” Shikamaru walks back into the party before Sai can even say <em>thank you</em>.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Hinata had gone over all of this with Ino. When Sasuke finally crawled back to her, Hinata was going to take things slow. Ino said that it was rude that he didn’t crawl back immediately after Hinata had asked him too. Ino would never stand for it if Shikamaru ever pulled that shit on her. <em>Men have to know their place in your life</em>. Ino had flung her hair over her shoulder and gave Hinata a worldly look. She resisted pointing out that Shikamaru and Ino’s relationship thrives on mutual antagonism. Ino wouldn’t want him if he did what she told him to do.</p><p>At the time, Ino had been arranging a bouquet, and for all her posturing, Hinata knows for a fact that Ino will always forgive Shikamaru. It is impossible to resist something that feels an awful lot like fate, even though Hinata is certain that what some call fate is just a series of choices and their inevitable consequences.</p><p>But, for the life of her, Hinata cannot deny that being with Sasuke is the closest she has ever come to believing in a higher power. She had promised Ino that she would take things slow. Instead of immediately leaving the party together, they had waited until after Shikamaru and Ino left. Sasuke kisses her jaw, and Hinata sighs. It was progress—staying away from him had been hard, and who was she to deny what they both wanted?</p><p>Her skirt is bunched up at her waist, and her hands are up his shirt. “I missed you,” she says, not for the first time. She feels him smile against her neck. It’s true, and they both know that one of his quirks is that he likes to know how much she desires him. For someone so terrified of being claimed by other people, he likes hearing how badly she wants him, how deeply he was missed. She told him once that he was eroticising the thing that he feared the most: someone demanding commitment while pledging their devotion. He said <em>hmmm </em>in response and flipped a page in his book. It is how she knew that she was right.</p><p>“Are you bored of hearing about how badly I missed you?” Hinata looks up at the ceiling. She knows he isn’t bored, not one bit.</p><p>“It’s nice being wanted.” Sasuke finally pulls off his shirt. He then unzips her skirt and hooks his hands in the waistband of her underwear to take them both off in one go.</p><p>“I dare you,” she says as she lifts her hips, “to fuck me so hard that I tell you I love you.” Sasuke snorts at the challenge, throwing her clothes to the side.</p><p>“Isn’t love supposed to be unconditional?” he stands up, pulling his pants off. She smiles, because he is naked. She yanks off her shirt and throws it at him. He catches it, raising an eyebrow at her.</p><p>“But it will stroke your ego, if I say it like that,” she sits up to unclip her bra. He sits back on the bed in front of her.</p><p>“I have also already done that,” Sasuke says, “if you are going to give me a challenge, it needs to be something new.” Hinata thinks about how she ought to respond, while he watches her struggle with the clasp. He almost offers her help, until it finally gives, and she throws it across the room. He leans in to kiss her, but she pulls away.</p><p>“Do you know how to treat someone like an animal?” Hinata asks. Sasuke gawks at her. “Because that is what I want you to do. I want you to fuck me like an animal.” For someone who rarely curses, she somehow has the filthiest mouth he has ever heard. Once, he asked if she had spoken like this with anyone else, and she shook her head. Apparently, he has a way of needling at her more perverse tendencies. Sasuke is more than happy to play along.</p><p>“What kind of animal?” he asks, innocently. She narrows her eyes.</p><p>“<em>Sasuke</em>,” she growls. He smirks. <em>Check</em>.</p><p>“There are a lot of possibilities. I mean, I could just go with dogs because doggy-style, but bonobos fuck a lot and dolphins have clitorises,” as he lists off different animals, Hinata feels her patience grow thin.</p><p>“<em>Sasuke</em>,” she grits her teeth. He smiles and leans in to kiss her. She hums into his mouth, expecting him to finally give her what she wants, when he pulls away quickly, smiling.</p><p>“I really wish you had given me some notice,” he snickers, “I need to do some research.” Her face scrunches, and he can tell that she is trying to figure out just how stupid he really is. He sits back and gives her the signal to get on all fours.</p><p>“You know what I mean.” She looks at him over her shoulder.</p><p>“I do,” nodding, Sasuke gets behind her.</p><p>“I think,” she sighs, “that you are the only man who understands what it means.” She invokes the other men on purpose. Partially because she wants to admit just how badly she screwed up, but also because she wants to see how he will respond.</p><p>He frowns, putting a hand on her back. He drums his fingers on her spine, until he moves them down to between her legs. He is silent while he touches her. He knew she had been with other people. Fuck, one even approached her at work. But he doesn’t like feeling jealous. It has only ever made him a worse person.</p><p>At first, she moves with his hand. But he is too quiet, and when she looks over her shoulder, she can tell he is brooding over her comment. She stops moving, and she looks at him until he comes out of his head. “You were with other people,” he says plainly. She nods.</p><p>“Are you upset?” Hinata asks, although the last part comes out a gasp as he plunges a finger into her.</p><p>“Upset isn’t the right word,” he sits back, focusing on touching her. “Just jealous, I guess.” His dark eyes look into hers, and she swallows. She looks ahead, at her grey headboard.</p><p>“They all sucked,” she replies, “it made everything worse.” <em>Exponentially</em>. She moans, loudly, and Sasuke is soon back to his old self. As long as he is the best, he can’t stay too mad for long.</p><p>“To think,” he drawls, “you once said I was just fine.” He can tell she is ready, and she asked to be treated like an animal, so he withdraws his hand and lines up behind her. She groans.</p><p>“Focus!” She is tired of waiting. She just wants him, now. He glides in and kisses her spine.</p><p>“Yes, yes,” he rumbles. “Fuck you like an animal. I heard you the first time.” <em>You don’t need to tell me twice</em>.</p><p>“Finally,” she murmurs, and as he comes home her mind clears. Hinata does not believe in fate. But when he is inside her, and they move together and he is breathing down her neck, she wonders how she could have ended up anywhere else. Yet she looks back, and she can’t locate the choice that put her down this path.</p><p>His palm on her stomach, slides up to her back. The spark of something, the birth of a star, the nothing that becomes a something. Hinata and Sasuke, two halves of the whole, bound together at last. There is no certainty in this world, but she absolutely believes in Sasuke. His voice is in her head, he is in her bones, in her dreams. He does this so well that she doesn’t even need to tell him what to do. She wants something, and suddenly he is there, and there, <em>and </em>there all at once.</p><p>She’s loud, and when he finally rips through her, it is her scream that heralds his own end. He sits back as she sinks forward.</p><p>“That,” he starts, “was a lot.” He came so hard he felt his brain melt. She rolls onto her side, stretching her legs.</p><p>“I want more.”</p><p>“You always want more,” he snorts, “you are insatiable.” A bottomless pit, really. He is probably the only person who knows how much she eats and fucks, which is a lot for such a tiny, quiet person.</p><p>“It’s not my fault that you’re good at fucking me.” Hinata turns onto her back, putting her hands behind her head. Sasuke rolls off the bed and stands up.</p><p>“Is that the only thing you like about me?” Sasuke stretches tall. Hinata shakes her head.</p><p>“We just fit together,” she replies, “I can’t explain it. It’s just a law of the universe.” He smiles and walks over to her side of the bed. “I just really like you. I can’t help it.”</p><p>“Did you ever try to stop?” Sasuke doesn’t know what compels him to ask this question. Hinata looks at him, thinking.</p><p>“Briefly,” she says, “but it made missing you worse.” He nods, scuffing his foot against the floor. She sits up, looking at him. “The actual reason I keep you around is in the top drawer.” Sasuke gives her a weird look, but he says nothing as he pulls it out.</p><p>It slides open easily, and inside are three distinct and neatly folded piles of clothes. A few t-shirts, a pair of fatigues, sweatpants and underwear, right where he left them. His soap and deodorant are in there, as well as his toothbrush. “I couldn’t empty it,” she says, “I put your soap in there because I couldn’t to get rid of it and didn’t want anyone to use it.” Sasuke turns to look at her, dumbstruck. It’s one thing for someone to want you to treat them like an animal and come inside them. It’s different when they reserve a place in their lives for you, one that they refuse to concede to others.</p><p>“Hinata,” he says, voice floaty.</p><p>“You’re a disease,” she says, looking at him. “You have left a lesion on my brain.”</p><p>“Hinata,” he repeats, and she quiets down. “I couldn’t keep butter on the counter.” Her face goes slack, and then brightens.</p><p>“I haven’t eaten scrambled eggs since you last made them,” she replies, voice light. Sasuke looks back in the drawer, a smile on his face.</p><p>“I haven’t made them since. They make me think of you.” He pauses, “I still knock three times on all my weapons, to kick out the bad energy.” He turns to look at her. He watches her stand up and walk towards him. She wraps her arms around his waist and kisses his shoulder. “I kept the place clean for you,” she murmurs, “I never really acted as if you weren’t coming back.” Sasuke nods his head. He puts his arm around her shoulders, while still looking in the drawer. “We’re in love for real, aren’t we?” she says, like a statement rather than a question.</p><p>“Sadly,” he smirks, and she can feel him laughing against her. She rolls her eyes and disentangles herself.</p><p>“I’m going to brush my teeth. Your toothbrush is in there with your soap.” She walks towards the door of her bedroom. He watches her back, entranced, before he remembers to needle her.</p><p>“You kept my toothbrush?” Sasuke snickers, “that’s just gross.” She turns and pins him with a glare. It thrills him, when she looks like that. It makes him feel warm.</p><p>“Love is gross,” she replies, before continuing down the hall.</p><p>Hinata always has a way of leaving him speechless. Sasuke picks his toothbrush out of the drawer and follows her down the hall.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Second last chapter, THANK GOD. If you have been reading along, thank you. As always, I will come back and deal with typos. I was able to recovery Roses in full (thank you to my pal Bawgdan, who eyeballs my stuff beforehand because if not for her I would probably have lost everything--or, be ten times more anxious that I have). My computer hard drive is coming out to day, I have a few more fics on the go on there, so please send me some good thoughts!</p><p>So Sai and Sasuke read a lot of French theorists such as Deleuze and Guattari (where 'line of flight' is from), Irigaray, Kristen, Foucault and Levi-Strauss. </p><p>Yes, Sai most definitely has a Grey's Anatomy moment, accept he quietly says "please choose me" instead of shouting "choose me, love me" at a brain surgeon. </p><p>The last chapter, which is thirty-seven pages long and probably the heart and soul of this entire story, will be up later today. I'll probably add a few more of my thoughts in the final end notes, since the vision will be up and complete.  Thank you for reading. Please feel free to leave a comment!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. A Real Ending</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A diary, a cat; a future.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em>“Change is more than pennies layin’ on the floor inside the well”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Mac Miller, “We”</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sai sits on a bench, hoping that he doesn’t see anyone he knows. He can tell that people pity him. Everyone around him seems to be in a philosophical mood. Naruto tried to use ramen as a metaphor for Sai’s broken heart, which was fruitless and ineffective. Sakura talked a lot about the dumb soap opera she and Ino watch. Apparently, there is a subplot that is <em>just like</em> Sai’s life. Kiba bought him a rice ball, and Chouji offered to take him out for ramen. Lee keeps encouraging Sai to put himself out there and enjoy the Springtime of Youth. Hinata offered to paint his nails while he vented to her and Ino. Shino said that they could talk about it, if Sai wanted to.</p><p>He knows he ought to appreciate it, but he really doesn’t want to talk about his feelings.</p><p>Mercifully, Sasuke and Neji mind their own business and treat Sai with dignity. Tenten hasn’t said anything to him since the party. Sai would like to think that Shikamaru would also show him mercy, but as soon he plops down onto the bench beside him, Sai know he is about to get another lecture. Sai tries to project cheery indifference.</p><p>“How are you?” he asks Shikamaru. He watches him take a cigarette out from behind his ear. Shikamaru nods, putting it in his mouth. They sit in silence as Shikamaru lights his cigarette.</p><p>“I’m fine,” he replies, the smoke coming out of his mouth in a plume. “And you?”</p><p>“Alright.” Sai looks down at his feet.</p><p>“Just alright?” Shikamaru asks. Sai looks down at the backs of his hands.</p><p>“Only just,” he mumbles. Shikamaru nods.</p><p>“You know, you get more than one person. It doesn’t feel that way when you are in love, but the reality is that there is more than one person you could be with.” Shikamaru says. He has always been good at getting people to stop pitying themselves. It’s his specialty.</p><p>Sai frowns. It’s not like he doesn’t know that he could be with someone else. It’s that he just wants Tenten. “I wonder how Temari and Ino would feel about that.” Sai presses his tongue to the roof of his mouth. The truth is that Ino is such a far out memory that Sai doesn’t really remember the time when he thought they were forever.</p><p>“They would say the same thing,” Shikamaru puffs on his cigarette. “They both use their heads.”</p><p>“Ino wouldn’t,” Sai says, “she doesn’t want anyone else.” Shikamaru frowns.</p><p>“You have a point.”</p><p>“Just because you can be with someone else doesn’t mean you want to be with someone else.” Sai pouts, “I don’t want someone else.” Shikamaru sighs.</p><p>“I’m trying to give you hope.” He drawls, “or at least get you to use your head.”</p><p>“I thought I already did.” Sai crosses his arms, and Shikamaru sits with him until he finishes his cigarette.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Tenten lies down in the middle of her apartment. Her arms hurt and it ate up her day off, but it is finished. Her apartment isn’t just furnished; it also has pale yellow walls. Lee sits on the floor next to her, and Neji is standing, looking out the window.</p><p>“Thanks for helping me,” she says, sitting up on her elbows.</p><p>“It’s our pleasure!” Lee exclaims, throwing his arms up in the air.</p><p>“I cannot believe that you lived without a bedframe for years.” Neji says, turning to walk back over to them. Tenten shrugs.</p><p>“I needed to figure some things out.” She sits up and picks up her open beer.</p><p>“The colour is nice.” Neji says.</p><p>“I thought it would be sunny,” Tenten says, “but in all honesty, Sai is the one who suggested it.” Neji and Lee exchange a look. She hasn’t told them very much about why Sai stormed out of the party at Kiba’s place, but they have an idea.</p><p>“Well, it’s painted. You have a bedframe, a couch, a table and chairs.” Neji says.</p><p>“And a bookshelf,” she adds, sipping her beer.</p><p>Lee pops open a bag of chips, and stuffs a few into his mouth. Neji picks his own beer off of the floor and swirls it around in the bottle.</p><p>“It was time for me to grow up. Settle,” she says. Neji sips his beer.</p><p>“So, this is twenty-seven.” Neji says.</p><p>“Yep, twenty-seven.” Tenten replies.</p><p>Wordlessly, Tenten and Neji raise their drinks in the air, and Lee does the same with his bag of chips, in silent acknowledgement that they are getting closer to thirty every day.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Hinata had wanted to get to the bar early. She had changed at work just so she wouldn’t have to go back home. Ino had made fun of her for being so eager, but Hinata wanted everything to be perfect. She wore the pink slip dress Ino told her to, because it would unexpected. Hinata had replied that it made her feel naked, and Ino winked and said that was the point, and if <em>you want to look cute, you don’t get to complain</em>.</p><p>So here Hinata is, walking into a bar in a dress that makes her feel as if she is wearing nothing at all, thinking she will have the upper hand. She sees him first, hunched in the corner, reading a book. His eyebrows are pressed together, and he is frowning. It is the face he makes when he is enjoying a book. She smiles and approaches the table. He looks up at her, and something flickers in his eyes before he blinks. Hinata sits across from him, and from her relaxed mouth he can tell she is happy to see him.</p><p>“Hinata,” he says, knocking the table with his knuckles. She blinks at him, resisting the urge to smile.</p><p>“Sasuke,” she replies in a soft voice. The air between them is immediately charged, and they both know that being here will be worth it when they stumble back into her apartment, which is only a block from here. That is, after all, where they went instead of this bar on their actual first date.</p><p>“We finally made it to the bar.” He sits back, looking at her in his intense way. She is used to it, as she picks up her glass of water. He watches the condensation on the glass as it drips off, and the way her throat moves as she swallows. She sets her glass down and wipes the corners of her mouth with the back of her wrist. If she is toying with him on purpose, she is doing a remarkable job.</p><p>“I am surprised you remembered that this was where we were supposed to go,” she smiles at him, setting her chin on her hand.</p><p>“We only made it because we came here separately,” he replies, his expression rakish. “And of course I remembered.” His voice drops off midway through the sentence, like he had begun defending himself only to realize that he didn’t need to. Hinata smiles. Her eyes flick to the waitress, who hasn’t noticed them.</p><p>“You don’t forget a thing.” She pauses, “in that case, what would you like to know?” Sasuke wrinkles his face, pretending to think.</p><p>“Whatever you want me to know.” He drawls, and Hinata wills herself not to blush. He gives her a pointed look, and she crosses her legs. He smirks as she shifts in her seat.</p><p>“I missed your non-committal responses.” Hinata replies, leaning back and squaring her shoulders. Her collarbones are fine, and he finds it hard not to stare at them. He missed the beat, and Hinata smirks, knowing she has won this round.</p><p>“Not as much as I missed your evasive questions.” Recovering his composure, he sees her eye his book.</p><p>“What are you reading?” She puts her hand out. He hands his book to her, and she looks at the cover. It is an eggshell blue, with a worn cover. She opens it, and glances through the first few pages. The handwriting is neat. She looks up at him, questioning. He shrugs.</p><p>“It’s a diary.” He blushes, and Hinata can tell he is going to reveal something he has judged to be embarrassing. “It was my mom’s. I just got to the part where she met my dad.” Sasuke pauses, because it is not lost on him how weird it is to read his mother’s diary, especially the part where she met his father, on his second first date with the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Hinata looks at the book. She places her hand on the cover, pressing her palm to the worn leather. Looking at Sasuke with care, she tucks it into her purse for him. They both know they will be going home together before they even set a date.</p><p>“How did they meet?” Hinata asks softly, and Sasuke bites his lip.</p><p>“Like us, I think.” He turns bright red, “I like knowing that they were people, that they got to have experiences like me, before, well…” Words tumble from his mouth, and she sits there, mouth soft and relaxed.</p><p>“Everyone should have a first date like ours.” She smiles, and Sasuke exhales, his lopsided grin coming out. It is a sign that he has relaxed, all embarrassment gone. He tilts his head, and from the look in his eyes, she can tell he is about to tell a joke.</p><p>“How would you have reacted if it had been a copy of <em>Icha Icha</em>?” Sasuke smirks. Hinata blushes, but her reply is firm. “It would depend on the volume.” Sasuke blinks, and while he isn’t the kind of person to laugh out loud, he chuckles, nodding his head towards her, conceding defeat.</p><p>“Well you won the date,” he passes her the menu, “I’m paying.”</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>They only made it through one drink, before Hinata had flicked her head towards the door and Sasuke got the check. They don’t run back to her apartment, but they walk briskly, Hinata’s nails biting into his wrist. He won’t even notice the imprints until later.</p><p>They take the stairs two at a time, and she flies to the door, unlocking and pushing it in. Following her, he closes and locks the door behind him. Hinata’s arms are crossed, and when he turns around, it strikes him that she looks incredibly impatient. She strides over to him, confident, and he can tell she is going to kiss him. All he can do is welcome her home.</p><p>She always sighs when they come together. Like she can finally relax, now that they are once more entangled. Her hands are on either side of his face, in his hair, on the back of his neck. The fabric of her dress is soft, delicate. It was probably expensive, and even if she comes so hard that killing him isn’t an option, it isn’t worth tearing it off. She looks hot in it. He wants to see her in it again.</p><p>“Your dress is too nice for this,” he says into her mouth. She smiles around his upper lip.</p><p>“That’s why I chose it,” she pulls back, looking up at him. “I want you to mess up my nice dress.” He snorts, and pulls away. She pouts, until she feels him turn her around. Running his hand from the top of her spine to back of the dress, he easily finds the zipper and pulls it down the long line of her back, down to her tailbone.</p><p>The top of the dress hangs open, and he bends down to the hem and pulls it up, over her head, and he hooks the straps on a coat hook by her door. She turns around, curious to his plans. The dress is inside out, but it was the thought that counts. Sasuke turns to her, with a proud look like <em>hey, aren’t I thoughtful</em>. He opens his mouth to gloat, when he remembers that she is pretty much naked. He closes his mouth, opens it again, trying to think.</p><p>How many times have they been here before? Yet, he can’t seem to recall any of those memories, like his mind has been wiped blank. She tilts her head, looking at him, before she pulls him to her. His memory returns, and he kisses her neck, right where she likes it. She hums, an impossibly pretty sound, and she pulls him back into the kitchen.</p><p>This isn’t their first time together, but if it is a do over of their first date, Sasuke thinks they should really try and properly relive it. She shivers against him, and he frowns. “Are you cold?” Sasuke asks, looking at her with one of his intense looks. She is only wearing her underwear. He rubs his hands over her upper arms, and she licks her lower lip.</p><p>“Warm me up,” she says. Sasuke smiles, bowing his head.</p><p>He lifts her up onto the counter, and she swings her legs open. Not for the first time, she is glad to be flexible. She runs her hands under his shirt, and she is nowhere near as careful as he was with her dress. He’s warm, impossibly so, and she presses herself to him fully. Her nipples sort of poke him, something he finds amusing enough to register but not enough to comment on. He puts his arms around her, and they pause. He kisses her forehead, and she blinks.</p><p>“This is the first date I remember.” She had been bent over the counter, her hands spread and flat to the wood. Hinata, now comfortable, kisses his chin, and she taps the inside of her right foot against his thigh.</p><p>“You’re still as handsome as the first time.” <em>I could make out with your chin all day</em>, she thinks to herself. The thought makes her glow inside: an eternity kissing his face.</p><p>“What if I weren’t handsome?” he rubs a hand along the curve from the top of her shoulder to the back of her hip. Is there a part of her hasn’t touched? If so, he was going to fix that.</p><p>“Impossible,” she whispers, “it’s practically bloodline.” Her voice is quiet, and he turns to look right into her eyes.</p><p>“How would you know?” Sasuke asks, casually. This could either go well, or terribly. It is really up to Hinata.</p><p>“I’ve seen pictures of your parents,” she shrugs, “they were good looking people.” Sasuke thinks about how he would like to react. There isn’t anything to be mad about, and in all honesty, it is kind of funny that she would bring them up now. He smirks at her, eyes dark.</p><p>“You think of my parents in that way?” Sasuke teases, and she goes pink. She digs her fingers into his hips, and her nails are going to leave marks.</p><p>“That is not what I said!” She wants to be mad, or at least, properly indignant. But he is Sasuke, and when they got back together, she decided that she would never stay mad at him again.</p><p>“So,” his voice is low, “my mom or my dad?”</p><p>“Stop it!”</p><p>“I mean,” he smirks, “your parents made you, and I think you’re pretty cute. You take after your mom, right?” Hinata is bright red, and he kisses her cheek.</p><p>“You are such a <em>perv</em>.” She grumbles, and he can only laugh.</p><p>“We are here because you,” he points to her chest, right through her heart, “are the bigger perv.” Hinata sighs.</p><p>“I meant that there is no universe where you aren’t handsome.”</p><p>“You really care about what I look like.” He kisses her ear. He doesn’t mind when she objectifies him. He likes it when she makes him feel wanted. She circles her arms around his waist, waiting for him to be done. She wiggles her hips too, but he is content to make her wait. She is being especially funny tonight.</p><p>“You are,” she moves her face, so she is speaking right into his ear, wanting him to feel her hot breath. This is her ace, and she thinks this will really make him shut up and fuck her. “Put a baby in me handsome.” He makes a choking noise, and she leans back, smiling. He is frozen, unsure how to precede.</p><p>“Put a baby in me handsome?” Sasuke croaks.</p><p>“Yes. Put a baby in me handsome.” Hinata smiles.</p><p>“That sounds like something Ino would say,” he replies. Hinata smiles and nods.</p><p>“She did, and I agree.” She nips an earlobe. “She did superlatives today.” She whispers in his ear, recounting this story as if it were innocent, like she and Ino had been filing routine paperwork. Ino had done one for each of them, but Hinata wanted to needle his competitive streak. “Shikamaru is the smartest, Naruto is the biggest class clown, Neji is the most graceful, Sai is the sweetest, but you—<em>only you</em>—are put a baby in me handsome.” She kisses his jaw, and Sasuke hums at the contact. “It wasn’t even a contest.”</p><p>“I,” he begins, “am so glad that I beat your cousin. He is <em>very</em> pretty.” Hinata nips his jaw and he smirks. She knew who to list off, and he knew which nerve to hit.</p><p>“Creep.”</p><p>“You are the one who brought up your cousin,” he kisses her shoulder. She moves her head, giving him access to her neck.</p><p>“Only because I know you want to beat him.” She sighs, “I only listed the guys you consider competition.” She puts her hand out to his cheek, pushing him back so they can look at each other. He swallows, taking in the edge of her jaw and her swollen mouth. “I only think about you, but I thought you’d like knowing that you are not just a trophy, but <em>the</em> trophy. You are the trophy boyfriend.” She pecks his lips. “You’re a Leo, right?” Sasuke smiles at her. It is a wicked smile, the one that stops her heart.</p><p>“You’ve talked about how attractive my parents are, said I am put a baby in me handsome and called me your boyfriend. This has never happened to me on a first date,” he says. “You are killing the mood.” He moves his hands to her underwear, and she raises herself onto her hands so he can slip them off. He drops them to the floor, and he puts a hand between her legs when he kisses her. She hums into his mouth. She pulls away, rocking against his hand.</p><p>“I was stupid to break up with you.” She says, before planting a kiss on his chin.</p><p>“It happened,” he replies, “I needed a kick in the ass.” He is half paying attention to their conversation. When they are together, he likes to pay attention to what her body is doing. It isn’t quite where they need it to be. “Put a baby in me handsome…I have never gotten that before.” He increases pressure while slowing down the circle he is tracing. She sighs, taking his hand and changing his fingers around. He snorts, but he follows her silent instructions.</p><p>“If that was your way of asking my intentions, I’m not ready to be a parent.” He puts his cheek against hers, so he can speak right in her ear. She presses her cheek against his, waiting. “But if it gets you off, I will talk about putting a baby in you.”</p><p>“Gross.” She is the opposite of disgusted. He can tell it excites her, from the way she presses closer to him, and rocks herself against his hand. It excites him too.</p><p>He isn’t ready to be someone’s dad, but the idea of creating new life with Hinata stirs something in the pit of his stomach. He pulls his hand from her, and she whines. He gets on his knees, but she pushes herself off the counter, landing on the balls of her feet. She runs a hand through his hair, and he looks up at her, waiting for instructions. She takes his hand and helps him up, and she leads him, wordlessly, into her bedroom.</p><p>“No sex on the counter?” Sasuke quips. Hinata shakes her head, climbing onto the bed.</p><p>“I want to have sex properly.” She pats the bed beside her. He snorts, falling beside her.</p><p>“I am pretty sure we know how to do it,” he says, maneuvering himself so that he is between her legs. She smiles.</p><p>“I am not conceiving our hypothetical child on a kitchen counter.” Sasuke smirks up at her, resting his chin on her lower stomach. His scruff rubs against her skin, and it causes a buzz that moves up her spine.</p><p>“I would love to think of that counter whenever I look at our child. That counter has been good to us.” He says, before moving his face down. He kisses her first, before putting his mouth against her.</p><p>Sometimes, she will look away while he warms her up. But tonight, she refuses to. She wants to see him, all of him. She reaches a hand down to touch the nape of his neck, brushing the knot at the top of his spine. What would their baby look like? For her, it is a question of when, not if. She muses over this, until he plunges his tongue in her and her mind goes blank. <em>Fuck, Sasuke</em>, she grinds out, squeezing her eyes shut.</p><p>Something inside her coils around itself, like her nerves, her body is trying to curve around him, to maximize contact. She missed this feeling, of being made for someone. It is at this moment that he hits something inside her, a spot that had never been touched before, and she gasps, unprepared. The end comes out like a soft scream. When she opens her eyes and looks down at Sasuke, his gaze alone nearly hurls her back over the edge.</p><p>Her mouth hangs open, and she thinks <em>yes, yes, yes</em> as he keeps going, deep and strong and certain, like her body is an extension of his. No one else has ever made her body feel like this: warm and molten and liquid. Sasuke flips her inside out, so everything soft and gentle becomes exposed.</p><p>When he pulls away from her, they both stare at each other, breathing hard. He sits down, and Hinata crawls to his lap. She kisses his cupid’s bow, and he happily moans into her mouth. She wonders, briefly, if anyone else they know has ever felt this happy, or if it is just a thing between her and Sasuke. While she wants everyone to feel this, whatever this is, she selfishly wants her and Sasuke to only have it with each other.</p><p>She moves her hips, and he groans a little bit, before kissing inside her collar bone. She wants to weld herself to him, she wants him that bad. She wriggles on his lap, and he smirks.</p><p>“No condom?” Sasuke asks. It’s a moot point. She is on the pill and was tested before they got back together. She wraps her arms around his neck and kisses his ear.</p><p>“I thought we were going to conceive.” She mutters, and he kisses her shoulder.</p><p>“Alright,” he replies, “come here and let me put a baby in you.” She giggles, and he laughs, but he pulls her closer, and she guides him in. She hums when they finally join, and they sit like that, and tonight Sasuke waits longer than they normally would for her to adjust to him. She shifts slightly, but he puts a hand down to keep her still. <em>Wait</em>.</p><p>He wants to enjoy this, since he doesn’t think they have ever fucked quite like <em>this</em>. When they start moving, it’s slow, purposeful. Like their entire lives have culminated in this one point. If this is the summit, he wants to make it count. They move together, and it is her, with her hands in his hair and at his back, her hot breath in his face; her, his home.</p><p>Hinata wraps herself around him, softening herself, relaxing so that she can leave a trace of herself in him. That when he is out in the field, or in the grocery store, he will feel her, like this, in his bones. She always wants it deeper, harder, stronger. She pushes her pain tolerance in every other area of her life, but it is the inverse with Sasuke. Like she is trying to increase her threshold for pleasure. Like, at one point does it all become too much and she has to shut down?</p><p>She can feel her threshold approaching, and she wants him to join her. “Please”<em>,</em> she mutters, “please, please, <em>please</em> put a baby in me.<em>”</em> He hears her and he starts moving faster, leaning into the immense swell that pulls him up and out. Hinata is pulling him out of himself but also pushing him back down into his body.</p><p>There was once a time when he thought that he would have to get used to being alone forever. It was the only way to live in a world without his family, after Orochimaru. But Hinata continually gives him hope for the future. That’s probably why the idea of a child does the exact opposite of sending him to the hills. Here, in their knot, he has a brief vision of the rest of his life. Sixty years with his face buried in her neck, in her; suddenly, mortality is a small price to pay.</p><p>When it’s over, she kisses the side of his face, and she moves away first. She stands up on the bed, hopping off to use the washroom. When she comes back, he is sprawled across the bed. She pushes him over, and he grunts, making room. They lie down beside each other, on top of the duvet, looking at the ceiling. Hinata smiles and turns on her side to look at Sasuke.</p><p>“I should tell you to put a baby in me more often.” Sasuke starts laughing, rubbing a hand against his face. The irony is too much: two people who had horrible childhoods, having an impregnation kink.</p><p>“Do you think our parents were the same?” he asks, not knowing why he is so interested in their parents’ sex lives. Hinata snorts.</p><p>“Isn’t this how your parents met?” propping her head up with her hand, she watches him roll his eyes. She laughs, “my parents’ marriage was arranged.” She pauses. “I’d like to think that they had something like this, but it is hard to picture my dad being affectionate.”</p><p>“People say the same thing about me.” He mutters, looking away. Hinata reaches a hand out to play with his hair.</p><p>“People are dumb,” she mutters, “and I don’t like the idea that you would be affectionate with anyone else.”</p><p>“You have a possessive streak,” he grins, before it falls in a smile.</p><p>“My own private Sasuke.” Hinata sits up, “it has a nice ring to it.”</p><p>Without warning, Sasuke rolls onto her, and in a testament to their bond, she splits her legs in the second before he lands between them. He moves, so his chin rests on her stomach. “I could make out with your belly button,” he declares, “is that weird?” Hinata runs a hand through his hair, and he closes his eyes.</p><p>“I was thinking the same thing about your chin, on the counter.” He presses his face down into her abdomen, and while he doesn’t kiss her, she feels him smile against her. Her face softens, and when her head hits the pillow, she thinks that this is how she would want to do the real thing, how she wants to live the rest of her life.</p><p>Lying in her cool bedroom, hidden away from the rest of the world.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Neji blocks Tenten’s fist, and he flattens her on her back. The air is knocked out of her lungs, and it takes her a second to sit up.</p><p>“Are you alright?” he asks. She nods.</p><p>“I think so,” she stands up and stretches out her arms. “Yeah, I’m okay.” Neji gives her an inscrutable look, and she tilts her head. “Is there something wrong?”</p><p>“Did you know that Sai was trying to transfer?” he asks. Tenten frowns and bites her lip.</p><p>“He told me.” She says quietly. Neji searches her face. It hurts him to see how much pain she is in.</p><p>“Kakashi wouldn’t put the transfer through,” he says quietly.</p><p>“I know,” she replies, her arms hanging by her sides. She slumps all over, and Neji frowns.</p><p>“He loves you,” Neji says, “the real kind.” Tenten’s face beings to crack, and she looks at Neji like she is beaten.</p><p>“I love him too,” she says, “even though it makes me weak.” Neji gives her a soft look.</p><p>“No, love doesn’t make you weak. It makes you strong,” he says quietly. She lets out a laugh.</p><p>“Sasuke said that to me once.”</p><p>“We all get it right once, even him.” Neji deadpans, and they both laugh. “Look, I’m not saying this for the team, I’m saying this because I am your friend. You and Sai need to stop torturing yourselves.” He breathes out and puts his hand in his pockets. “He’s over across the hall, training with Sasuke.”</p><p>Tenten stares at Neji dumbly, and he sighs. “Go get him, Ten,” he says. “I want you to be happy.”</p><p>“You mean it?” she asks. He smiles.</p><p>“I always have,” his grin is big, “now go,” he waves his hand, and she doesn’t have to be told twice. He smiles at her back. She always does the right thing, in the end.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Sasuke can tell that Sai and Tenten didn’t make up at the party. How, you ask? Because Sai is coming hard and fast, and Sasuke is finding it challenging to keep up. They are both so focused on each other, that neither notice when Tenten comes into the room, or when she decides to throw herself between them.</p><p>It’s like one second there’s nothing, the next there is Tenten. Sai blocks Sasuke, and the latter pushes back and away, dropping his katana.</p><p>“What is wrong with you!?” Sasuke exclaims, “you could have gotten seriously injured.” Sai stands back with his arms crossed, and Tenten looks between them.</p><p>“I want to talk to Sai,” she finally says. Sasuke huffs, picking up the katana.</p><p>“Please, whatever is happening between the two of you, leave me out of it.” He sheathes the weapon and grumbles on his way out. The door closes, and finally, it is just Sai and Tenten.</p><p>Sai’s arms are still crossed. He hasn’t forgotten how it felt to ask her to choose him, and for her to essentially say not yet. He keeps his features flat, but there is a hardness in his eyes that gives his anger away. “What would you like to tell me?” he asks.</p><p>“You’re mad,” she says. She sounds a little bit like him, actually.</p><p>“I’m irritated.” He replies, settling for a smaller, more manageable emotion.</p><p>“I spoke with Neji,” she says, “he said it was okay.” Sai bites his lip.</p><p>“You should have chosen me because you want me, not because Neji said it was okay,” he drops his arms to his sides, and he looks at her with a defeated expression.</p><p>It kills her, knowing that she did this to him. “Should I leave?” she asks. He shakes his head.</p><p>“No. I don’t want you to.” He will never want her to leave. She walks up to him, her hands clasped together.</p><p>“Can we try again?” she asks softly. He looks up at her, dead in the eye.</p><p>“What do you mean?” he asks. She walks up and takes his hands in hers, looking up at him. She swallows, because she wants to get this right.</p><p>“I mean, I want to take you on a date,” she says. He blinks.</p><p>“A date?” he asks. She nods, smiling.</p><p>“I want you back, and I want to woo you.” She smiles. Sai blinks.</p><p>“You want me?” he says dumbly. She nods.</p><p>“Yes, I want you back, but you can tell me to leave, too.” Her eyes are big, and he stares into them.</p><p>“You want me.” He states again. She nods.</p><p>“You don’t have to want me back. It’s been months, and I know I will have to earn a chance because, fuck,” she rambles, “I was such an asshole and you really can tell me to fu—“ She is cut off by him pressing his mouth to hers. He pulls back and touches her face, smiling.</p><p>“Please stop talking,” he says quietly.</p><p>He isn’t ready for the way she hugs him, or the way she kisses him back. She wraps her arms around his waist and presses herself to him. He has wanted this for so long, that he can’t quite believe that he’s finally got it. She pulls away from him, and she takes in his dazed expression.</p><p>“I want to make it up to you. I need to prove myself…fuck, Sai, I am such a dummy.” Before she can insult herself more, he puts his hand to her cheek and really kisses her. The kind of kiss you feel in your soul.</p><p>When he pulls back, he touches his forehead to hears, and they look into each other’s eyes in their own little mind-meld. “It’s fine,” he says, “it’s fine, and it has always been fine,” he kisses her again, and she reciprocates fully.</p><p>It’s all fine, as long as they make it home.</p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>There are a select few people in Ino’s life whose quirks are worth remembering. The way her father smiled when she mastered a new jutsu. Her mother’s humming, which is the same in the morning and at night. Sakura’s big forehead. Chouji’s face when Ino had threatened to beat his ex-girlfriend into the next life time if she so much as breathed near him again. Asuma’s raspy voice saying <em>calm down Ino</em> or <em>you don’t have to kick Shikamaru and Chouji across the field to make your point, Ino</em>, before lighting a cigarette and watching her ignore him. The wheezing noise Shikamaru makes in his sleep.</p><p>And now, she can add the innocent look Hinata has on her face when she tells Ino about the filthy things she and Sasuke say to each other during sex. Hinata’s voice is quiet, and her eyes become wide and serious, just like her father.</p><p>“You said <em>WHAT!</em>?” Ino slams the magazine onto the counter. All she had asked was how Hinata’s date had gone and well, she found out more than she had bargained for. Hinata is bright pink, while Ino laughs out loud.</p><p>“Well, if Sasuke didn’t freak out, I am sure Shikamaru will be fine,” Ino wipes the tears from her cheeks. “You’ve inspired me.” She smiles at Hinata, who grimaces. Hinata feels more than a little possessive over her and Sasuke’s new game, and she really doesn’t want to be dragged into Ino and Shikamaru’s sex life. Ino is still laughing in fits, and her face is completely red. Hinata hands her some water, which Ino waves away.</p><p>“Now I know why he was so offended a few months ago,” Ino breathes slow and deep, trying to contain herself. Hinata rolls her eyes.</p><p>“Don’t indulge him.” Hinata looks at her nails, “he still brings it up sometimes.”</p><p>“I would too!” Ino shrieks. “You called him a nobody in front of me and Sai, and then you tell him <em>to</em> <em>put a baby in you</em>.” Hinata merely blinks, and puts a berry in her mouth. “Who would have thought that you, Little Hinata, had that kind of mouth on you? Sasuke, I could easily imagine but <em>you</em>?”</p><p>Hinata blinks, and puts another berry in her mouth, turning her lips red. Ino smirks, and now, she just wants to provoke a reaction. “You know, it’s kind of hot. I think you two would make a very cute baby.” Hinata swallows, and her eyes narrow.</p><p>“Ino…” her voice takes on a possessive lilt, similar to the voice Shikamaru uses on Ino when he is tired of her teasing him. It makes Ino double down on her taunts.</p><p>“Well, I am <em>honoured</em> to not only have chosen the dress you were wearing—“</p><p>“He took it off,” Hinata interrupts. Ino flips her hair over her shoulder.</p><p>“To have not only chosen the outfit, but to have given you the superlatives, which you used like weapons,” Ino makes a chef’s kiss, before continuing, “you are no longer the student. You are the master.” Ino looks at Hinata with more pride than Hiashi when she finally began to make progress in her training. Hinata blinks, not sure what to do in the face of such adoration.</p><p>“You have to name your baby after me.” Ino puts her face right in Hinata’s, making her nearly fall over the back of the stool, trying to put some space between them.</p><p>“There is no baby.” Hinata replies, regaining her balance.</p><p>“You won’t know for another two months.” Ino replies, sitting back on her stool.</p><p>“Ino!” Hinata says sharply. The last thing she needs is Ino willing a baby into existence.</p><p>“I am torn between wanting to tell Shikamaru about this when he gets home from work or watching his face when I tell him who inspired me to ask for his baby.” Ino taps her nails against the counter, weighing her options. Hinata sighs.</p><p>“I am pretty sure it would make him hate Sasuke more.” Hinata picks up the magazine, flipping it open to a feature on how television is actively melting people’s brains.</p><p>“Oh, it is all in good fun.” Ino looks over her shoulder. “You and Shikamaru are too possessive for your own good. You two need to learn to take a joke. Sex is all about having fun!” Hinata smiles at that, and Ino taps her fingers against the counter. “However, you and Sasuke are such pervs. Talking about each other’s parents and then asking for a baby. Not only that, but you put him in competition with Neji? I wonder how your dad would react not just to a kid out of wedlock but one conceived like that,” Ino prattles, “maybe your dad is a freak too and that’s where you get it from.”</p><p>Hinata, tired of the subject, picks up a berry and throws it at Ino. It bounces off her head and onto the counter, and Ino gives Hinata vicious look. “Oh, I am definitely going to tell Shikamaru after. The story is just <em>too </em>good, and his face is going to be so funny.” Ino rubs her hands together. “Sakura and Tenten won’t believe me. You have to be the one to tell them, I swear, no one could organically picture you asking Sasuke for his baby as some sort of weird kink.” Ino smiles to herself and does a full body wiggle in her stool. Luckily, a customer comes in before Ino can say anything else.</p><p>Hinata picks the berry up off the counter, and throws it into the pot of a big, bright green jade plant while Ino is distracted.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Tenten pulls Sai through the door of her apartment, and when she first turns on the lights, he isn’t sure what he is supposed to be looking at. She gives him an expectant look, and he smiles, taking off his sandals. He walks into the middle of the room, looking around. He notices the walls first. They are pale yellow; like the inside of a banana.</p><p>She has a table over by her window, with six chairs around it. There is a bookshelf, where she has placed her scrolls and books. There is a navy blue couch. The mattress is on a bedframe. He blinks, and looks at Tenten.</p><p>“The colour is nice.” He says. She smiles.</p><p>“You give good decorating advice.” She shrugs.</p><p>“You’ve settled.” Sai’s voice is quiet. Tenten nods.</p><p>“I’m ready to settle.” She smiles. Sai looks around.</p><p>“You didn’t have to do this for me.” He replies. Tenten shrugs.</p><p>“I wanted to do it for me.” She crosses her arms. “I want to be my own person, and part of that is making a space for myself, instead of relying on you, Neji and Sasuke to put up with me.” Sai stays in place, looking at her mouth as she walks towards him. “I want to be whole.” He nods and places a hand on her cheek when she is close enough.</p><p>Her arms open, and she wraps then around Sai’s waist. He looks at her face, and smiles to himself.</p><p>“What?” she asks. Sai shrugs.</p><p>“I’m thinking about settling, that’s all.” He replies. She narrows her eyes.</p><p>“How?” she asks. Sai wants to laugh at the expression on her face. She gets indignant about the funniest things. Like, it’s okay for Neji to push them all to the breaking point but Sasuke isn’t allowed to point out when Sai leaves a hickey on Tenten. It’s not like they aren’t all adults, or their relationship is a big secret.</p><p>“I want to get a cat.” Sai replies. “Hinata said she would look after it when I’m gone. I want you to come with me to choose one.” Tenten blinks at him, before smiling.</p><p>“You’re going to be a good cat dad.” She kisses his chin.</p><p>“So you’ll come?” he asks. She nods.</p><p>“Of course I will.” Tenten tilts her head, “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”</p><p>“You’re not allergic, right?” Sai’s forehead wrinkles. Tenten smiles.</p><p>“No.” She buries his face in his chest, and in an uncharacteristic move, she squeals. Sai laughs.</p><p>“What was that for?” he asks. </p><p>“I’m just excited for you.” Tenten looks up at him. “You deserve everything you want.”</p><p>“Everything?” he asks. She nods.</p><p>“You’re gentle and quiet and sweet. You’re a perfect person.” He’s not, but he appreciates that someone can look at him and think that. Sai nods, and looks back at the couch. Tenten puts her lips against his breast bone. “I promise, that I will go with you to choose a cat.”</p><p>“A promise?”</p><p>“Yes.” She says, “a promise.” Sai turns to kiss the top of her head, before looking back at the couch.</p><p>“You know what I really think we should do?” he asks, smirking. Tenten, confused, shakes her head. “We should break in the couch.” He picks her up, even though she isn’t that much shorter than he is, and takes her with him as he thuds down on the seat.</p><p>She doesn’t hesitate, kissing him first. She is very into the idea that the first time they are back together is on her couch. She is wearing her black slip dress, the same one she had worn the day she pressed his hand to her neck. She has underwear on this time, but still no bra. She had been hoping to get lucky. “I wore this dress for you.” She says into his mouth.</p><p>“It’s not your nicest one.” He replies in his matter-of-fact way. She shrugs.</p><p>“It’s easy to take off.” She kisses his lower lip. He smiles, running a hand up her stomach. <em>That it is</em>. It’s nice, to be this wanted.</p><p>Tenten rips off her dress, and throws it across the room. Sai kisses her chin, and she whines when his thumb moves over her nipple.</p><p>“You’re a tease.” She sighs.</p><p>“I’m not as quick as you.” He shrugs. She pulls his shirt over his head, and dumps it on the floor behind her. The edge of his jaw fits perfectly between the life and love lines of her palms. If that isn’t fate, she doesn’t know what is. She kisses him all over his face, because she adores him so much. He blinks, happy for the adoration but trying to focus on slipping his hand into her underwear.</p><p>“You’re distracting me, Ten.” He mutters. She grins.</p><p>“That’s the point.” She replies. He rolls his eyes.</p><p>“I’m trying to get into your underpants.” She kisses the side of his face.</p><p>“Why don’t you just rip them off?” Tenten shrugs. They aren’t her favourite pair. She is only wearing them because she has nothing else. The lace is scratchy and worn. She won’t be sad to see them go.</p><p>Sai looks at her for a second, as if he is looking for a trap. But he shrugs and digs his hands down past the waistband and through each leg hole. The backs of his hands rest against either ridge of her pelvis. He tightens his grip and looks up at Tenten. She nods.</p><p>It is one thing to know how strong Sai is, and another to see him on missions. But it is completely different to see him use that strength to rip her underwear apart. What would have taken another man minutes, takes Sai seconds. He drops the tattered cloth on the floor.</p><p>“Am I still,” he frowns, “how did you put it? Gentle, quiet and sweet?” Sai asks, placing his hand on her stomach, before running it down between her legs. He smiles when he feels how much she has been anticipating him. She sucks in a breath and presses down onto his hand. It’s been awhile but her body hasn’t forgotten. She nods and leans forward.</p><p>“You are,” she says, “you ripped off my underwear but you didn’t yank me around.” Sai doesn’t do anything he doesn’t mean to. It means a lot that she can look past who he was trained to be and see who he is.</p><p>He slips inside her, and it surprises him how little he has to think about what he is doing. His thumb works its familiar circle, and his fingers move gently, slowly becoming faster and faster. She rocks against him. He still keeps that one-two-three beat. It’s not a drumbeat, but the hoof beats of a horse. Don’t ask her how she knows. The answer simply presents itself in her soul.</p><p>He takes her nipple in his mouth, and he looks up at her. Her own mouth hangs open, and it makes something in him soar. He wins, every time he makes her come. It’s like hitting a bullseye or executing a technique perfectly. It feeds his ego. He touches the flat of his tongue to her, and he feels her fingers tighten around the hair on the back of his head. So he does it again.</p><p>Sakura has asked him how he could trust Tenten so easily, after everything that happened between them. His answer had been simple. Despite the push-pull between them, he never, for a moment, doubted that she loved him. He could doubt her intentions. If he were pragmatic, he would. But one can only have faith if they have the capacity to doubt. It doesn’t matter that she could leave him. He has absolute, unshakeable faith that she is his soulmate, and that she won’t leave him again. He tried explaining this to Sakura, but he could tell that she didn’t get it. He eventually gave up and told her that he just trusts Tenten. She isn’t a liar, and she wouldn’t be cruel enough to leave him again.</p><p>Tenten knows Sai is good, but sometimes she forgets how good he is to her. She puts her hand flat against the wall by his head, and leans down, running her fingers through the hair on the back of his head. His hair is silky. In all honesty, it is nicer than hers. She thinks this when he moves inside her and all she can do is throw her head back and moan. The flicking and the sucking and the rubbing all eventually do their job, and she curls around him, gasping into his ear.</p><p>He has her ride it out, and only when she is still does he move his hand. She sits astride him, and when he rubs the thumb that was inside her over her lower lip, she opens her mouth and takes it in her mouth. She holds eye contact with him, and he swallows as her tongue presses onto the pad of his thumb.</p><p>She opens her mouth to let him go, as she takes his wrist. Sai sits back and watches her, fidgeting against her. He wants to point out that she is a bigger tease but talking would break their moment. Tenten holds his hand in her own and flicks her eyes up at him.</p><p>“You are gentle, and quiet and sweet.” She kisses his knuckles.</p><p>“You are really testing me.” Sai breathes, and she smiles.</p><p>“How so?” she asks, innocently.</p><p>“If you keep doing that, I won’t be quiet, or gentle, or sweet.” He says. Tenten smirks.</p><p>“Good.”</p><p>She moves to put his thumb in her mouth again, but he moves too fast for her. He pins her to the couch and kisses her throat while they both fiddle with the zipper of his pants. Once free, he doesn’t need her help; he finds her himself. She wraps herself around him and moans when he starts moving.</p><p>She can feel him holding back from her. She looks up at him, frowning. “You are being gentle.” Sai grins.</p><p>“I thought you liked it.” Tenten sighs.</p><p>“I do. But I don’t want you to be gentle.” She kisses his chin. “I want you to be really, really rough.” She wants to feel how much he wants her. Sai presses his mouth into a line. It’s not that he hasn’t thought of giving it to her this way. He just isn’t sure. “I can take it,” she says, “I want to feel how badly you want me.” Sai pauses above her, and she is afraid that she has frightened him off.</p><p>But he starts moving again, and he is doing what she wants. It’s pure heat, and she blinks, completely unprepared for the force of him. She would never have guessed that she made him want to do her like this. Sai is biting his upper lip, and she can tell that he is concentrating. It hurts a little. But she begs and begs for more, and that’s what he gives.</p><p>The friction between her back and the couch gives her a little shock of static, and she keeps moaning even more. <em>Please, don’t stop, please</em>, encouraging him. She wants to see the animal in Sai. Her hand rests on the small of his back, and she digs her nails in. Something snaps, and he moves like he never has before, and all she can do is brace herself for both of them.</p><p>He makes an ugly face before he groans one last time. He thrusts so hard his forehead collides with the arm of the couch with a <em>thunk</em>. Tenten immediately puts her hand on his forehead as Sai winces. “You okay?” she says quietly. He nods, but his eyes are shut. Using both hands, she clears his bangs. It isn’t red or swollen, but it looked like it hurt. She kisses his forehead, and he sighs.</p><p>He finally slumps against her, and she keeps kissing his forehead. It wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t pushed him.</p><p>“You can stop,” he says into the base of the throat. She smiles against his forehead, before moving her chin.</p><p>“I never want to stop kissing you.” She says. Sai sits up, hovering over her.</p><p>“I don’t think anyone has ever liked me this much,” he says, “and I’m cute.” He has never had a problem attracting women. But none of them pushed him this far. They always like sweet and gentle Sai. His history in Root and his job in Anbu were supposed to be wounds for women to heal. But Tenten wants the whole man, the sweet and gentle guy who paints and cooks and wants a cat, and the scarred man with a violent past. She doesn’t think he is wounded at all. A little beat up, perhaps. But she loves him as is.</p><p>She loves him so much that she called on the violent part of him. She wants to feel every part of him, to leave no part of his psyche untouched. Tenten smiles up at him. Sai moves, and as he pulls out, she winces and he spots some blood. He frowns and puts his face down between her legs to make sure she isn’t hurt.</p><p>“I don’t think anyone has wanted me enough to make me bleed like that.” Tenten is surprised. It didn’t really hurt, and she had been pretty wet. It was probably her period. Sai looks up at her. He gently puts a finger in her, and she bites her lip.</p><p>He checks his finger, and there isn’t anything to suggest that she is bleeding. “Does it hurt?” he asks. Tenten sits up.</p><p>“I’m a little tight and sore, but it’s nothing I haven’t felt before.” He is sitting, looking at his finger. Tenten scoots to puts her legs around his waist, holding him from the side.</p><p>“You realize it’s probably my period.” She was due yesterday. It always starts weak.</p><p>“You sure?” Sai looks at her. She nods.</p><p>“I would have let you know if it went too far.” She kisses his shoulder. Sai looks deflated. Tenten thinks she knows something that will help him recover his good mood.</p><p>She unwraps herself from him, and she stands up. She stands in front of him, bare, before sinking to her knees. She sticks herself right between his thighs. Sai blinks, looking down at her.</p><p>“You don’t have to.” He sighs. She hums.</p><p>“But I <em>want</em> to,” Tenten says. She reaches for him, and he sits back and lets her.</p><p>“You don’t want me to wipe myself off?” he asks. She shakes her head.</p><p>“It’s just us, Sai.” She smiles before taking him in her mouth. He bites his lip as he sinks into the couch.</p><p>If he wasn’t sure that she loved him before, she has destroyed all doubt.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>They’ve played their game two more times now, and the novelty hasn’t yet worn off. Maybe it never will. Sasuke lies in bed, on his stomach, watching Hinata get dressed for dinner tonight. He likes it when her clothes come off but he is equally enthralled with how she puts them on. He likes seeing how she comes together and falls apart. Her underwear is blue, with a bow stitched to the middle of the waistband. She is wearing one of her unlined, unpadded bras. He can see her nipples through the lace.</p><p>Hinata turns to him, holding up two options. A lavender silk dress, or her white apron top. Sasuke points to the dress, smirking.</p><p>“You’re already wearing a bra.” He says.</p><p>“I could take it off.” She shrugs.</p><p>“We would never get out of here.” He sighs, sitting up. Hinata smiles at him.</p><p>“I have something to tell you.” She turns to him with one of her rare smirks.</p><p>“What is it.” It’s a question, but he says it like a statement.</p><p>“I told Ino about our game.” Sasuke looks at her with confusion.</p><p>“Our game?”</p><p>“You know, me telling you to put a baby in me.” Hinata laughs at the look on Sasuke’s face. It is all Pikachu.</p><p>“You told <em>Ino</em>?” he asks, trying to recover himself. It’s not that he’s mad. Just surprised that Hinata would share something like this—although, recalling their car ride nearly seven months ago, he shouldn’t be.</p><p>“She asked how our date went.” Hinata goes to their dresser to swipe on deodorant. Well, it’s actually her dresser. She simply refers to it as theirs.</p><p>“What did she think of our game?” Sasuke asks.</p><p>“She understood why you freaked out in the flower shop.” Sasuke stands up, a victorious look on his face.</p><p>“It was bullshit, you calling me fine.” Sasuke walks up to dresser to get his own pair of underwear. Hinata smiles up at him, watching. He can walk while he puts his underwear on. She stands still, and has only ever seen others stand still to do it. But Sasuke walks into them, stepping forward into each leg and pulling them up.</p><p>“Apparently, we’ve inspired her.” She smiles.</p><p>“What?” Sasuke walks to the closet, where he keeps most of his clothes.</p><p>“She used it on Shikamaru.” She turns to put on her dress.</p><p>“But it’s our thing!” Hinata has the dress over her head, but she can hear the petulance in his voice. He doesn’t know why he is possessive over their game, but he is. For each of the three times she has said <em>put a baby in me</em>, he feels like he hits the truth of who they are together, as a couple. He is increasingly tempted to tell her that he makes enough money, he can put a baby in her now. He doesn’t, because it is too soon and things have to be different but at the same time, he knows they are going to make it. Sasuke doesn’t see a reason to hesitate when their future is already here.</p><p>Hinata can admit this: she was a little possessive at first too. “It is still our thing. We made it. No matter what they do, it will always be something we made together. Besides, he will probably put a moratorium on it when he gets tired of being reminded of us whenever she says it.” She smooths the dress out, and she goes to pull the zipper up. Instead, Sasuke steps behind her. A bit of the lining pokes out at the bottom of the zipper, and he tucks it back in, the back of his hand touching the lace of her underwear. She stands there as he pulls the zipper up. As her back disappears from view, he thinks about when he will see it again. He pulls her hair up and out, making sure none of it is stuck or caught in her dress. She smiles, because it is the small gestures like this, that make her feel the most loved.</p><p>Maybe he will tell her that he wants to put a baby in her, just to see how she will react to the change in script.</p><p>“I guess you’re right,” he murmurs, stepping back from her. Hinata rocks on her heels, and he can tell she wants to say something.</p><p>“Ino wants us to name our baby after her.” Sasuke blinks.</p><p>“We are not going to do that,” he says, before turning to the closet. He pulls out a pair of pants and steps into them. Zipping them up, he pulls out a navy turtleneck. Shikamaru wears his uniform everywhere, so he doesn’t see why he needs to dress up.</p><p>“There is no baby.” Hinata says, turning to look at him as he goes to put on deodorant, his shirt in his hand.</p><p>“Isn’t it too early to know?” Sasuke says this with his back turned. A part of him really hopes there is a baby in her. He wouldn’t play the game if he didn’t want it to be real. Deodorant on, he pulls the shirt over his head, and as he turns around to see her,</p><p>Hinata is blushing, bright pink, something he will never not find cute. He’s lucky that she and Naruto didn’t work out. They were seventeen, so it was doomed to fail, but still. He should be nicer to the knucklehead, just for that.</p><p>“I will name our child countertop before I name them after Ino.”</p><p>“Sasuke,” she says, “the baby doesn’t exist!”</p><p>He smirks and replies <em>how do you know</em> instead of <em>it will soon</em>. Hinata frowns and replies that she would feel it inside of her soul, that’s how much their baby would mean to her. She doesn’t feel it, but she <em>wants</em> to. Her mouth hangs open after she says it. She looks a little green actually.</p><p>Grinning, he nods his head and replies that he will <em>happily</em> put a baby in her, if she really means it, when she is ready. He was just waiting on her. But they have to go deal with dinner now, so they should hold off until Ino and Shikamaru leave. He walks out the bedroom door, and Hinata gapes at his back, kind of mad that they already had plans tonight.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Sai sits up, his arms around his knees, looking around the beach. It’s salty and breezy. Tenten has pressed herself to his side, with both her arms wrapped around one of his own. They just got back out of the water, and he can safely say that swimming in the ocean is way better than being in a lake. He told her this, and she smiled, saying that she agrees with him. She kissed his chin.</p><p>Sai likes how needy she is when they are alone. The side of her face is pressed to his arm, and she knows she will have a red mark on her face when she pulls away. They are staying at Ino’s beach house, and he thinks this is the beach where Tenten tried to get over him.</p><p>“Is this the place?” he asks. Tenten blinks lazily up at him, frowning.</p><p>“Yes,” she says quietly. “I’m glad that we came here. This place deserves a better memory.” He looks down at his feet.</p><p>“Sakura shouldn’t have said anything,” he says. He digs his toes into the sand.</p><p>“Did you try to see anyone else?” she asks. He shakes his head.</p><p>“I didn’t want to.” She nods.</p><p>“I didn’t really want to do it.” She says, “it was consensual, but I wish that I could undo it. I wish I were like you, Sai.”</p><p>“How so?” he looks at her. She smiles.</p><p>“You always know who you are. You don’t compromise yourself.” She kisses the top of his arm. “I want to be more like you.” It makes his tummy melt.</p><p>“What do you refuse to compromise?” he asks, smiling at her softly. Tenten nods.</p><p>“You,” she says softly, “I choose you, and I won’t settle for anyone else. Unless you make me, but even then, I’ll probably just become a spinster.”</p><p>“I won’t put you in that position.” He says, “I promise that I will not make you live without me.”</p><p>“Forever?” she asks.</p><p>“More than,” he murmurs, and he squeaks when she pulls his arm down so that she can kiss his face. “I don’t remember you being this needy,” he says.</p><p>“I know what it’s like to be without you,” she sighs, “I don’t want to waste time. And you have a cute face.” Sai rolls his eyes and pulls her onto his lap.</p><p>“We’re in public,” he mutters. Tenten pulls back.</p><p>“You pulled <em>me</em> onto <em>your</em> lap,” she says, and when he kisses her shoulder, all he can taste is salt.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>If given the choice between having dinner with Hiashi and Neji or Shikamaru and Ino, Sasuke would always choose the former. Always. Hiashi and Neji are predictable, quiet. Sasuke is used to being around quiet people. It would remind him of his father and brother. It would be comforting.</p><p>But Shikamaru and Ino are the opposite. He and Shikamaru don’t get along at work, and in all honesty, they are indifferent to each other on a good day. Sasuke thinks Shikamaru is petty with some sort of bitter vendetta against him. It could be totally justifiable, like for Sasuke’s crimes, as it could be trivial, like Ino’s long dead crush. The only good thing about their relationship is that Sasuke and Shikamaru both share the opinion that it isn’t worth trying to get along. They will probably sit and avoid talking to each other.</p><p>But Ino, his former fan girl, is too much. She has this shrill voice and low cunning that grate on his nerves. He can’t get anything past her. He won’t even be able to sit and frown at Shikamaru with her there to remind him that he has to be nice, <em>for Hinata</em>. She always smirks like she knows something that he really wishes she didn’t, and she will tell him what at the most inopportune time. Why Hinata chose these people is beyond him.</p><p>Well, why Hinata chose him is also beyond Sasuke. It’s her thing.</p><p>He feels like he is meeting Hinata’s parents, if her father and mother were two of the most antagonistic people he had ever met. He agreed to do this to make her happy. He spent a year denying her these kinds of things, and he has to admit, the idea of dinner with other people doesn’t upset him. He just thought they would do this with Team Seven and Tenten first. You know, people who don’t need to be convinced that Sasuke is a good person. Baby steps.</p><p>Sasuke can’t stop fidgeting, and Hinata has told him several times that he has nothing to worry about, <em>this will be fun</em>. He glares at her every time she says it, but she holds firm. Hinata is determined for Ino and Sasuke to get along. Shikamaru is invited because Hinata thinks that he and Sasuke already get along. Neither have had the heart to correct her. Sasuke because he doesn’t want to disappoint her, Shikamaru because he has actually come to really like Hinata. He is now willing to entertain the possibility that Sasuke is likable, simply because of the way Hinata talks about him. She was right about Naruto, who says she wouldn’t be right about Sasuke?</p><p>Sasuke drinks a beer, watching Hinata greet their guests. He tries to think about who is more likely to annoy him. Ino will be vocal, but Shikamaru is smart. She will be the good cop, he will be the bad cop. Or maybe they will both be terrible but one will be loud while the other is silent. He sips his beer and tries not to reflexively scowl when Ino makes eye contact with him. His face sort of spasms, and Ino smirks, while Hinata offers Shikamaru something to drink.</p><p>Shikamaru isn’t excited to be here. He told Ino that they should cancel and just stay in bed, but she insisted that they had to go. He replied that he is pretty sure Hinata and Sasuke would rather fuck around with each other too, but Ino had glared and walked over to her dresser to get clean underwear.</p><p>So here he is, drinking a beer, watching Ino snoop through their things and Sasuke and Hinata navigate the space together. Ino’s arms are crossed, and she is looking at a book shelf. Hinata and Sasuke are a lot of things, but they aren’t dumb, and they both read a lot. Hinata sidesteps to allow Sasuke access to the fridge, and Shikamaru takes a moment to admire how they both move. They are a graceful couple, and when Sasuke looks at Hinata, Shikamaru sees the cracks in his mask of patrician indifference. A small smile there, a hand on the shoulder there. It’s sweet.</p><p>Ino steps towards the table, and Shikamaru just knows she is going to talk about the cactus. It is has grown, since Sasuke bought it.</p><p>“I knew this cactus was for Hinata,” Ino smirked, “Don’t worry, I made sure that he bought the cutest one. He was looking at a few really ugly ones.” Hinata looks up, blinking, while Sasuke steps behind her, frowning.</p><p>“No, I wasn’t going to buy an ugly one.” He replies.</p><p>“Even I know a cactus isn’t a good choice.” Shikamaru drawls, sipping his beer. Sasuke opens his mouth, but Hinata speaks first.</p><p>“Don’t say that about Sasuke Two.” She says, without thinking. Her mouth freezes open, and Sasuke sighs. Shikamaru grins.</p><p>“So you bought her a prickly cactus to remember you by? That makes a lot more sense.” Shikamaru says, “I actually respect that choice.” He looks to Ino, who nods, before moving to look around again. He spots Hinata look at Sasuke apologetically, and he shrugs.</p><p>Shikamaru has never seen Sasuke shrug off anyone revealing personal information to Ino. It’s weird, watching him being in love.</p><p>Ino picks up a book on the coffee table. Hinata looks up and smiles.</p><p>“That’s the book I was telling you about at work,” Hinata says, “I’m really enjoying it so far.” She turns away, preparing to serve dinner, as Ino opens the book to her place. She pauses, and smiles, touching the bookmark. Keeping Hinata’s place with her finger, she holds the picture up.</p><p>It is a picture of Sasuke, with forget-me-nots behind his ear. He is look away from the camera, smiling shyly. It was clearly taken from the side. Ino can’t even make fun of it, it’s so sweet. Shikamaru makes a face, narrowing his eyes. Hinata turns red, while Sasuke looks away.</p><p>“Would you do this for me?” Ino looks to Shikamaru expectantly. “You know I need to be adored like this!” He can tell that this both is and is not a joke.</p><p>“I’m not like Hinata.” He replies. “I’m not as sentimental.” Ino frowns.</p><p>“Yes, you are!” Ino says, “you are the emotional backbone of this relationship.” She pauses, before adding, “I would name a cactus after you.” Shikamaru looks to Hinata and Sasuke, who both shrug. Apparently, they accept this version of their relationship.</p><p>“So, you want me to take a picture of you and use it as a bookmark?” he blinks, “that would make you happy?” Ino nods. Most of her requests are ridiculous, but Shikamaru finds himself acquiescing every time. He doesn’t have a line that he wouldn’t let her cross. “It’s on the to-do list.” He grumbles, and Ino smiles, tucking it back into the book before placing it on the coffee table.</p><p>Hinata and Sasuke have a table, but they aren’t eating anything that can’t be had standing up. Hinata and Sasuke stand behind the counter, while Ino sits on a stool. Shikamaru stands beside her. Out of the four of them, Ino is the most childish.</p><p>Sasuke and Shikamaru are having a very nice conversation about work. It was fine, but it is honestly more entertaining to watch Ino and Hinata crack jokes. Shikamaru has the most responsibility and Sasuke has the most grunt work, but Ino and Hinata inarguably have the most violent jobs, and it is endlessly entertaining to learn about the ways that Ino, Hinata and Ibiki pass the time between interrogations. They will make mood boards or friendship bracelets, that kind of stuff. It’s all very relaxing, after a day of dealing with the worst of humanity.</p><p>Apparently, they have a lottery pool. Maybe they will win one day. Ino would probably just let the money sit in her account, while Hinata would invest. Ibiki swears that he will buy a private island and retire there. He promised that Ino and Hinata are on the list of ten people who could visit him.</p><p>A lull settles while everyone eats, and even Shikamaru would admit that he is having a nice time. Ino makes eye contact with him, and he can tell that she is going to say something that will make them all choke. There was once a time when he would try to head her off at the pass. But Hinata and Sasuke both know who she is, and Hinata likes her for it and Sasuke likes Hinata too much to say anything.</p><p>“So, Hinata,” she smirks, “has Sasuke actually put a baby in you?” Hinata makes a gagging noise, and Sasuke looks like he has tasted something bad. Shikamaru doesn’t know what his face is doing, but is has to be somewhere between the two.</p><p>“I don’t know,” Hinata breathes, “has Shikamaru put a baby in <em>you</em>?” Ino is shameless. She grins and crosses her arms, sitting back to watch the chaos she has caused.</p><p>“Too early to tell,” she shrugs, arching her brow. Shikamaru takes a bite of food and lets it sit in his mouth. Sasuke blinks, still processing the fact that this is happening. This is his life now. Hinata pouts.</p><p>“Hinata,” Sasuke begins, “tell me again, why did you tell Ino?”</p><p>“Because I am her best friend!” Ino declares. Sasuke glares at her.</p><p>“Do Neji or Kiba know that?” He turns to her, a mean look on his face.</p><p>“You are going to name your baby after me,” Ino says, “I have already decided.” Sasuke’s jaw ticks, and Hinata blushes. The food still sits in Shikamaru’s mouth.</p><p>“There is no baby.” Hinata grumbles. Shikamaru swallows his food without tasting it. Sasuke looks like he is about to cause a scene.</p><p>“Well, you and Shikamaru are going to have to name your baby after me or Hinata!” Sasuke fires back. Ino narrows her eyes.</p><p>“Hinata, like Ino, is a gender neutral name.” She turns to Shikamaru. “We are naming our baby after Hinata.” Shikamaru sighs and rubs his forehead. He looks up to the ceiling, wishing for nothing more than a swift death. A nice lightning bolt; something that would incinerate him and leave nothing behind. Ino has turned back to Sasuke, who is still glaring at her.</p><p>“This is the dumbest fight I have ever listened to you two have.” Hinata says.</p><p>“She stole our thing!” Sasuke replies.</p><p>“He called me nosey and poisonous!” Ino counters, arms crossed.</p><p>“He really isn’t wrong.” Shikamaru sighs. Sasuke looks vindicated, while Ino looks betrayed.</p><p>“HINATA!” She yells, her voice shrill and piercing. Sasuke glares while Shikamaru winces. Hinata covers her ears and sighs.</p><p>“I cannot engage with you two when you are like this.” Hinata says. Shikamaru admires her ability to remain calm with both Sasuke and Ino riled up.</p><p>“Hinata,” Shikamaru says, “Do you think this is what our after lives will be? Listening to Ino and Sasuke fight about something you said during sex?” Shikamaru is just curious to see how she will answer.</p><p>Hinata puts her head in her hands, as everyone awaits her response. If she were younger, she would have demurred or fainted by now, but she is twenty-six. She is an adult; she ought to act like one. “Is it bad that I still would have said it?”</p><p>Ino has told Shikamaru countless times that he is like Hinata. He has never really seen it before, but as he looks at the frustration on her face, he starts laughing. Out loud. He finally sees what he and Hinata have in common. Hinata starts laughing, because she gets the joke, and Ino and Sasuke join in not long after.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Being at the Yamanaka’s beach house is surreal, for Sai. He has been here before, as Ino’s boyfriend. This is where Ino taught him how to build a sandcastle; they lost their virginity to each other in the room facing the beach. The memories aren’t unwelcome. They are a part of who he is. But Sai would be lying if it didn’t feel strange to be here with Tenten. Ino was his first and Tenten will be his last. It fits if he thinks of it like that.</p><p>They have been on the beach all day. Their hair is dry, but their swimsuits are still damp and cold, despite the heat. Tenten, who is more intolerant to the cold, runs ahead of him and opens the door. She rubs her feet on the towel by the door, and Sai looks at the muscles in her legs. She steps off, and he steps onto the towel, drying the bottoms of his feet.</p><p>Tenten stands in the middle of the living room, staring at him. Her swimsuit is red. She has regained the weight she lost in their time apart; she fills her suit out nicely. She has a small smile on her face, and he grins, knowing what that means for him. He turns and locks the door behind him, and he steps up to her.</p><p>“You look cold,” he says in his blank voice. Tenten smiles.</p><p>“Warm me up.” She replies. He sighs.</p><p>“When you put it like that,” he says, “who am I to refuse?” Sai circles her, smiling the more impatient she gets.</p><p>She stomps her foot and he finally steps behind her and undoes her top. She turns to look at him, before gesturing to the floor. He nods, watching her as she lies down. Her body is a lean line, and he never gets tired of it. He gets on his knees and moves over her. But instead of kissing her mouth, he plants open kisses on the cold, damp skin that was covered by her swimsuit. He sometimes worries a patch of skin with his tongue, and she sighs. She wishes she could crawl into his mouth. She’d even let him swallow her whole.</p><p>Sai kisses down her stomach, the skin still cold but not as clammy. She tastes like herself and the ocean. There is some sand in his mouth, but he simply swallows it. She sits up on her elbows, watching him as he unties the sides of her bikini bottoms and pulls them off her. He kisses all the cold, damp skin he can reach, while she wiggles under him.</p><p>When he finally puts his mouth to her, she lets out a long sigh. Not for the first time, she laughs at the fact that she always gets naked right away, and Sai always seems to have a piece of clothing on. She has teased him about it before, but he shrugs and replies that he is so busy looking at her that he forgets himself.</p><p>Which is true. Sai has never met a woman who didn’t look better naked but Tenten’s body is so nice that he can’t decide whether or not it’s a crime that she has to wear clothes all the time. He likes her <em>that</em> much. The salt of the ocean just enhances her taste, and he sighs as his tongue slides against her.</p><p>Tenten puts her face up towards the ceiling, letting out a long moan. Sai has always been good at this kind of thing. She really owes whoever taught him how to do this so well. <em>She’s a real feminist</em>, Tenten thinks. When he is against her, she likes to lie back and think of nothing else but his tongue. Sai is a beautiful man and a kind soul, but his tongue is one of her favorite parts of his body. It’s cute and pink and it just does these <em>things</em> that make Tenten swear that she sees the place where souls are born and light originates. She rocks against him. If it were possible, her pelvis would tie itself in knots trying to get closer to him.</p><p>“Sai,” she whines. He doesn’t look at her. Rather, he adds his fingers. Her tummy tightens and she swears, loudly.</p><p>She needs him, badly. Tenten wishes he were an ocean, and that she could simply jump in and be surrounded by him. He is taking his time, and she is thankful for it, but at the same time—she wants it all, now. She was without him for months that they will never get back. She needs to make up for all the times she would have had him inside her.</p><p>For his part, Sai likes to take his time with her. They never get to take a vacation together, and he doubts that their lives will remain so commitment free for long. Thirty isn’t far away, and he knows that they have it all in their future: marriage, kids, dying of old age. He wants to enjoy the finite time they have to be young and irresponsible. They won’t always get to have sex on the floor of someone else’s beach house. They ought to savor their time together.</p><p>So he restrains himself when she asks for more. Their time apart helped him figure out how to become less of a people pleaser. Now, it is sometimes about what he wants. And right now, all he wants to do is eat her out so thoroughly that he tastes her in the back of his throat and she vows that she will never leave again. That last part was a joke. The former was not. She is tasty.</p><p>“Sai,” she whimpers. He groans into her, and she would narrow her eyes if it didn’t feel so good. “This feels good,” she breathes. He is a sucker for praise. She wants him all, now, and if begging won’t work than perhaps affirming him will. “Sai,” she lifts herself using her hands, so she can look down at him.</p><p>His eyes are dark, and he is daring her to tell him that this needs to end. She exhales. Tenten can admit this; if he ate her out for eternity, she wouldn’t mind. But this isn’t eternity, and she wants him inside her while she kisses his jaw and tells him how much she loves him.</p><p>“You’re so good, that I don’t want you to stop,” she says, “even if your tongue cramps and your jaw falls off, don’t you <em>dare </em>stop.” Maybe in telling him to go on forever, he will end it. He shrugs. He won’t be satisfied that she has learned her lesson until she feels so good she can’t use words.</p><p>He isn’t a petty person. He just thinks it will be therapeutic for both of them if he makes her feel so good that she can’t speak correctly. </p><p>Sai looks up at her, blinking. She rocks into his mouth, and she can feel him smile against her. She lies back down, and lets him take her for a ride. He keeps pushing her up, to the peak and past it, into the sky. She is making ugly noises, and she feels raw. She had started out with her familiar incantation, <em>please, please, please</em>. Now, all that comes out are moans. Tenten tries to speak, but her tongue ends up in knots and her brain is scrambled; even if she could speak, she wouldn’t know how to form sentences anyway.</p><p>She is pulsing, and he keeps provoking it. Sai finally, finally decides that she has learned her lesson, and in three spoken one thousands, he presses into her and it’s over. Tenten slams an open palm to the floor and screams. She comes so hard that she still twitches after, and she squeezes the muscles in her thighs to hold onto the feeling. Sai sits back and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.</p><p>Her jaw is still slack, and she looks stunned. There is a sticky, sweaty sheen all over her skin. She sits up, closing and opening her mouth. For a second, he fears that he went too far. Tenten swallows, and crawls to him. She looks into his eyes, and he can tell that she is still trying to recover. She places a hand on his cheek, tracing the downward curve of the hollow of his eye with her thumb. She can’t stop thinking about how he just made her feel.</p><p>Tenten crawls onto his lap, and she kisses him with the everything he gave her. He closes his mouth and sighs.</p><p>“Sai,” she says quietly.</p><p>“Ten,” he breathes, putting his forehead against hers.</p><p>“That wasn’t fair.” She smiles, because she isn’t mad at all.</p><p>“How so?” he nips her lower lip.</p><p>“I wanted you to keep going until your tongue cramped and your jaw fell off.” She says, “I feel cheated.”</p><p>“Cheated.” He repeats, like an echo.</p><p>“Hoodwinked,” she adds, “bamboozled.”</p><p>“Those are two very funny words.” He presses her into him, and he sighs when she wriggles her hips. “You’re not really mad, are you?” Tenten shakes her head. Not after that orgasm. She will never be angry at him again.</p><p>“How should I pay you back?” she asks, putting her arms around his neck. He smiles.</p><p>“You don’t have to.” He says, “it was rewarding to make you unable to form words. It’s my proudest achievement.” Sai kisses her shoulder, so he doesn’t see how brightly she blushes.</p><p><em>Sai makes me lose my mind</em>, she thinks to herself, not for the first time. She touches her hand to her face and drums her fingers against her cheek.</p><p>“How do you want me?” she asks. Sai tilts his head, thinking.</p><p>“I want to see your front.” Beyond that, he has no preference.</p><p>“Can I be on top?” she asks. He smirks.</p><p>“Of course.” Sai will never get tired of the way she looks when she is over him. She is objectively beautiful, but that is probably her best angle. It’s what he thinks about when it is just him and his hand.</p><p>“Okay,” she scoots off of him. “You’ll be more comfortable on the couch.” She stands up, and he watches her walk over to the linen closet and pull out a towel. You would think that after seeing her naked so many times, he could look at her body without feeling aroused. That isn’t the case. She smiles at him as she walks past him and over to the couch, placing the towel over the seat.</p><p>He thinks about how he can still taste her in the back of his throat.  </p><p>Sai stands up, brushing himself off. He pulls his swimsuit off. Her eyes darken as she watches, and he sees her jaw tick. She isn’t tired of seeing him naked either. He strides over to the couch, and sits down. She climbs on, her calves pressed into the sides of his thighs.</p><p>“Why the towel?” he asks.</p><p>“It’s not our couch.” She says. He snorts, “Ino and I didn’t use a towel when we…” Sai trails off, blushing. He hadn’t meant to bring that up. Tenten blinks at him. She always forgets that he and Ino were a thing.</p><p>“You were inconsiderate teenagers.” She replies. Sai nods, wanting to change the subject. But Tenten has a thinking look on her face.</p><p>“Am I better than her?” Tenten asks. Sai blinks.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Am I better than Ino?” she repeats the question.</p><p>“We were seventeen.” Sai shrugs, “it wasn’t very good.” Tenten pouts, and he sighs. “Neither her or I want to circle back to see if things are different.” He is over this conversation. She shrugs and gives him a few strokes before getting on. Now that he is thinking about it, his body has never been this reactive to anyone else, not even when he was seventeen and with Ino. Tenten sighs, smiling at him.</p><p>Sai groans. He will never get tired of being buried in her, for as long as he lives. He puts his hands on her hips and gives a little thrust. Tenten kisses his lower lip, and she starts moving. He holds her steady, and they fall into their familiar rhythm.</p><p>Tenten rolls her hips, and Sai is quickly panting into her mouth. She knows that she has nothing to worry about, but she can’t help but feel competitive. She wants to be the only woman who can make Sai feel like a man, and she wants him to say it. She kisses his jaw. He puts a hand down to her clit, which only makes her go faster. He rushes to join her. He can tell that she isn’t in the mood to wait.</p><p>Leaning forward, Sai kisses her shoulder. Tenten hums. He makes her feel full and whole, and she could really and truly do this all day and not get tired. But today isn’t that kind of day. She kisses his lower lip, slipping her tongue in. Sai reciprocates, as he always does. She puts her hand on his cheek as she pulls away. His eyes are lidded, and he whines in the back of his throat.</p><p>She smiles, picking up her pace. She is going to go hard and rough—she is going to ride him into the ground, just to prove that she can. “Sai.”</p><p>“Yes?” he breathes. His tummy is already in knots, and he does not want to come undone so soon.</p><p>“Am I the best you’ve ever had?” she asks. She chooses to have these kinds of conversations at the strangest times.</p><p>“Of course.” He replies. She clenches around him, and he chokes. She wants to do the inverse of what he did to her. She wants to take him down so fast that he can’t think straight. Tenten is simply paying back the favor.</p><p>“That wasn’t enthusiastic.” She smirks, and Sai would pout, if whatever she was doing didn’t feel so good. He grits his teeth as she does it again, stronger and faster. <em>She is going to end this quickly</em>. He doesn’t give her the satisfaction of a verbal response. He grips her hips and gets her to slow down a little bit, but she doesn’t care how badly she bruises. She wants to make a point.</p><p>Tenten kisses him, open mouthed. Sai eagerly leans in, and the back of his neck tingles when her hands land on either side of his face. She really is the best he has ever had. He responded the way he did because he was surprised that she even asked the question. She should know that she is the only woman who makes him feel this melty, this happy. She is so good that sex is still fun when she gives it fast and hard.</p><p>She pulls back, and Sai relaxes his grip, surrendering himself to her. He sighs. Tenten smiles at him, kissing the corner of his mouth. They are both on the edge, so she can afford to slow down a little bit. She doesn’t want to give him complete whiplash. He sits back and looks into her eyes, enjoying the rolling in his belly, the way the backs of his thighs tingle the closer he gets. He meets her thrusts with his own, but she is running the show.</p><p>“You have beautiful eyes,” she says, out of nowhere. She had simply been staring into them, and she simply felt like she ought to tell him. He smiles at her, a little dopey, because people very rarely comment on his eyes. Seized by a tenderness she doesn’t fully understand, she leans forward and kisses each of his eyelids, before rocking faster. She doesn’t have to use the words “I love you” to let Sai know how much she cares for him.</p><p>Keeping his eyes closed, Sai moves forward and finds her throat, planting open mouthed kisses up the column of her neck. He can feel his end coming; she is fucking him hard and fast, and there is a fire building in his stomach. His skin prickles and his spine is tight. It feels like something is rising in him, fluttering and fluttering, hitting the ceiling but somehow, still climbing. It makes him feel weak kneed.  </p><p>She is chasing it down for the both of them, and to her satisfaction, he goes first. He feels a searing in his brain and he reflexively growls, jerking up and into her. It happens so fast, that the feeling blindsides him. He remembers himself enough to keep thrusting as she hits her peak, and she cries as she tumbles after him.</p><p>Sai presses is face into her throat as he waits to remember what thinking feels like. Once he can remember that the sum of 1+1 is 2, he sits back to look at her.</p><p>“So.” He says, trying to act casual, like his brain didn’t short circuit.</p><p>“So,” she nods.</p><p>“Do you still wonder if you are the best?” he asks. Tenten smirks and kisses his jaw.</p><p>
  <em>No.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Hinata is so, so glad that Shikamaru and Ino left earlier than she had expected. She had prepared Sasuke for her and Ino to end up drunk babbling at each other until Shikamaru or Sasuke finally drew the line. But love has changed Ino, and as soon as Shikamaru started to look a little droopy, Ino decided it was time for them to leave. He and Sasuke were both pleasantly surprised at this turn of events, but if asked, Hinata would say that she ended up being the winner.</p><p>The dishes are done; the kitchen is clean. Sasuke stands back, sipping a glass of water, for once feeling like a real, genuine adult. He even smiles to himself. Hinata is watching him, arms crossed over her chest. He looks over and grins. “It’s all done,” he says.</p><p>“No, it isn’t.” Hinata smiles. Sasuke feels a trill go up his spine, and he knows he is going to enjoy whatever she is about to tell him.</p><p>“What’s left?” he asks, quietly. He puts his glass down on the counter, watching her. Hinata uncrosses her arms and smooths the purple fabric down the plane of her stomach. She tilts her head in her dollish way, and he watches the way her neck curves to the side.</p><p>“You have to do me.” She replies.</p><p>In a matter of strides, he is across the apartment, but he does not stop at her. Rather, he walks past her and into the bedroom, turning around to look at her.</p><p>“I have to?” he asks. His face is blank, but she can tell that he is teasing her. She walks in, right up to him, looking into his eyes.</p><p>“You don’t <em>have</em> to,” she says, “but I would really, really, <em>really</em> like you to.” He looks down at her, his mouth a line.</p><p>“Okay,” he says quietly. He puts a hand to her face and kisses her gently. She wraps her arms around his waist. She hadn’t expected him to be gentle tonight. But there is something she has noticed over the last few weeks. Sasuke seems content, settled. Like he has found his place. He holds her hand and has lunch with her at work. They go on real dates. He isn’t just more committed; he’s allowed himself to relax into that commitment. To enjoy it. To put it under his tongue and savor the idea of knowing he was going to spend the rest of his life with Hinata. She is an absolute truth in the same manner as gravity. It is her.</p><p>He kisses her lower lip, and she sighs, making his insides feel warm. They were going to do a lot more than kiss, but it is nice to stop here for a while. He opens himself to her, and she presses forward and inward. If she asked, he would let her eat him all up. It wasn’t until her that he understood how awful his fan girls were; that they would tear him up into little pieces, until he turned to nothing. He wouldn’t do it for anyone but Hinata, and she would never ask, because she likes him whole and together. He is so in love he understands why people will allow themselves to be gobbled up, but is lucky enough to have a partner who would never ask him to do that. The things they hunger for in each other are the things that are infinite in nature: love, sex, stability. The kind of things with which you can build a future. A real one.</p><p>Hinata pulls away, eyes lidded, and turns around to show Sasuke her back. She pulls her hair away and over her shoulder, so he can see the zipper.</p><p>Pinching the top of the dress between his thumb and both his pointer and middle fingers, he slides the zipper down to the bottom, and pushes the dress off Hinata’s shoulders. She pulls the sleeves down and off, and lets it pool at her feet. She steps out of the dress, and picks it up, hanging it back in the closet while he undresses.</p><p>When she turns around, he is completely naked, sitting on the bed. She smiles at him as he eyes her. He is incredibly still. Hinata feels her tummy prickle as he watches her take off her bra, and then step out of her underwear. Only the silver toe ring remains.</p><p>Picking up her underwear and her bra, she walks past the end of the bed, and drops them in the laundry hamper. She could have thrown them, or left them behind. But Hinata wants him to wait. She has a feeling that it will be rewarding for her if she does.</p><p>Over his shoulder, he watches as she gets up onto the bed, and wraps herself around his back. She presses her chest to his back and kisses his spine, while her feet hang in the open space between his thighs. He takes a hold of one of her feet, and she giggles. He smiles at the toe ring. He had given it to her, and he hasn’t seen her without it.</p><p>“I don’t think it will work this way.” He says quietly. “I can only touch your feet.” Hinata hums.</p><p>“But I am touching all of you.” She wraps her arms around his waist as he slouches forward.</p><p>“I can’t put a baby in you, not like this,” he replies. For a few minutes, he wonders if it was the right thing to say, until she presses herself into him and he can feel her getting wet.</p><p>“You weren’t kidding?” she whispers. Hinata, really and truly, wants to have his baby. Their baby. A being they created out of their love. It’s fast, she knows, but shinobi live their lives at warp speed and she knows that she and Sasuke are ready for each other.</p><p>Sasuke smiles at her foot, and nods his head. “I will put a real, live baby in you, if that’s what you want.” He pauses, “I want to, but I will always want to have a baby with you. We don’t need to do it now.” He runs his thumb on the sole of her foot.</p><p>“I have to take my pill in an hour,” she murmurs, “but if we’re going to do this, I won’t do it.” She kisses his shoulder blade.</p><p>“Okay.” He smiles, looking at her toe ring. Will their baby have her feet? Her feet are really pretty.</p><p>“We are going to try?” she asks.</p><p>“We are.” He replies. Hinata tightens herself around him.</p><p>“That makes me really happy.” She releases him, and he lets go of her foot. She moves back on the bed, while he turns and falls to her. She kisses his chin as he hovers over her. He runs his hand down her body, and he grins when he feels how wet she is. She kisses his smile off of his face, and when his hand moves, she moves with it, sighing his name. He kisses up her neck, feeling her pulse under his tongue. Hinata makes him feel like a human being, but she also makes him feel like an animal. He presses his tongue over her pulse as she digs her nails into his side. Her heartbeat is clean, fresh. It doesn’t taste like her mouth or the place between her legs. It cleanses his palate.</p><p>She is convinced that his eyes, their eyes, must be specially equipped to peer into each other’s bodies. They have never had unsatisfying sex with each other, and it has to be because they see something in each other that no one else can see. They have never tried to use their doujutsu during sex, but she thinks that they ought to start. If things are this good when their eyes are off, imagine how good it could be with them on? It’s probably not how Hiashi or Fugaku imagined their children would use their inheritance, but that just makes it extra fun. The thought makes Hinata rock against his hand faster, and he can hear the whimpering in the back of her throat.</p><p>It’s soft, it’s butter, it’s velvet—and then he touches something hard and she gasps, so he keeps going. <em>Fuck</em>, she thinks, <em>fuck</em>. And then, she can’t think, because she falls into the place where the only thing to do is feel incoherent sensation. He kisses her throat while she comes down, and he finally moves his hand on her sigh.</p><p>He doesn’t even think when he does this, it’s simply instinctual. He puts his finger in his mouth to taste her. Hinata, blinking at him, tilts her head.</p><p>“What are you doing?” she asks. Sasuke wrinkles his forehead. He hadn’t put much thought into it.</p><p>“You taste nice.” He shrugs. “I’ve been around, but you taste the best.” Her brow furrows and her mouth scrunches up. He smirks at her reaction.</p><p>“Rude.” She says. He smiles.</p><p>“That’s why I said it,” he replies, “and if I recall, you told me that I was the only man who can fuck you correctly, and there is no way you learned that by staring at a wall all day.” Hinata sighs.</p><p>“You win.” She sits up on her elbows. “But what makes me the tastiest?” Sasuke blinks at her question.</p><p>“What do you mean?” he asks. Hinata blinks, and she wears a mask of faux-innocence.</p><p>“Well, I can tell you how you fuck me right.” She says, “I just want to know how I became the tastiest.” She blinks, fighting to keep the smile off her face.</p><p>Not to be outdone, Sasuke smirks. “Open your mouth.” She does, and he places his pointer and middle fingers in there, gently. He feels her tongue, and he tries not to flinch. Whoever flinches first loses. But it’s hard to look indifferent, doing what they’re doing. He removes his fingers from her mouth, and he tilts his head. “Do you get it?” Hinata smiles, and shakes her head. Sasuke smiles.</p><p>“You sit on my tongue the right way.” He says, “I don’t know how else to describe it. Other women just didn’t fit right.” He shrugs. Hinata looks up at him, and traces his lips with her fingers.</p><p>“What are you doing?” he asks softly. Hinata smiles.</p><p>“Thinking about how right we are for each other.” Her voice is humming, and he opens his mouth to capture one of her fingers. His teeth hold her finger in place. “Bite me,” she says. Instead, he lets her finger go, and puts a hand up from under her thigh to push her open.</p><p>“This isn’t a day for biting,” he says, while she pouts. “I’ll bite you some other time, deal?”</p><p>Hinata smiles and opens. “Deal.” She reaches down to line them up, and she looks in his eyes one last time.</p><p>“Are you sure?” she asks, quietly. Sasuke nods.</p><p>“Are you?” he murmurs. Hinata smiles.</p><p>“Right in my soul.” Then, in one movement, they are together.</p><p>He kisses her lower lip, moving in her the way he always does; strong, certain. Hinata is his favorite place to be. It’s as simple as that. She opens herself completely and accepts him. As he looks down at her, all he can do is think about how much he loves her. It is a sappy thing to think, and his inner twelve-year-old is grossed out and his inner sixteen-year-old is rolling his eyes, but at twenty-six Sasuke can admit that this is the kind of life he wants. A quiet one with Hinata and a baby and their cactus. All the bad things that have happened to him are hard to remember when Hinata is looking up at him with her flushed face and open mouth and messy hair.</p><p>She makes him feel like normal person. No one has ever done that, not like her.  </p><p>Hinata smiles when he lowers his face down to hers. She kisses his cupid’s bow, and he moans into her chin. A little bit of drool gets on her face, and she doesn’t know or care who it came from. When they are like this, the boundaries between them collapse. <em>My mouth is your mouth, and your mouth is mine</em>, she thinks, <em>my body is yours and your body is mine</em>. It’s a loop, an infinity knot. She doesn’t say any of this, not because he wouldn’t want to hear it, but because all her thoughts would tumble out together and she wouldn’t be able to articulate all the big, impossible things he makes her feel.</p><p>His face floats above her, and he smiles down at her. Hinata returns it, and she places her small hand over his throat, his Adam’s apple in her palm. Sliding her hand around, she runs her fingers through the hair on the back of his neck. He leans down further, and they are nose to nose.</p><p>They are both so close. It’s like they are on either end of a rubber band, and if they pull it tight enough, it will snap and they will collide at a speed that will leave them both shattered.</p><p>“What do you want, Hinata?” Sasuke always likes to double check. Hinata breathes in his face.</p><p>“I want to feel you right in my soul.” She replies, kissing his chin. He groans. There isn’t enough time. There never will be. “I want to you to tell me why you’re inside me.” Hinata gives him a pleading look, and he smiles.</p><p>He puts his forehead against hers, and he looks into her eyes, making him feel like he is looking right at the white-hot light of a star. “Why, Hinata,” he pants, “I am putting a baby in you.”</p><p>“I’m the only one?” she asks. He bites back a sour <em>obviously</em>. This moment has no room for snark.</p><p>“Only ever you.” She is the only woman who makes him want to be a father. She moans.</p><p>“It’s only you,” she pants, “it’s only you too.” She gets up on her elbows, so the tip of her nose rests on his cheek and she is speaking into his mouth.</p><p>“Please put a baby in me,” she asks. Sasuke moves in-out, in-out pulling the band between them tighter and tighter.</p><p>“I <em>am</em> putting a baby in you.” He groans, and within another two in-outs the tension releases and he buries himself in her. Hinata springs shut around him as he puts his head into her shoulder.</p><p>It takes a second, but in her lower stomach, at the base of who she is, Hinata feels the spark of something taking root. It’s too soon, but she knows that they will get it on the first try. Sasuke lifts his head lazily, to see a big smile on her face.</p><p>“I feel it.” She says excitedly, “right in my soul.” He blinks. It takes him a second to get his head straight.</p><p>“Already?” he asks. She nods.</p><p>“Right in my soul.” Hinata takes one of his hands in hers, and places it on her stomach. Sasuke prepares himself to tell her that he can’t feel anything, when he feels a twinge of recognition. He presses his palm to her stomach, and she is right. It doesn’t exist yet, but in his soul, he can feel the piece of him that is taking root in her to make a them.</p><p>He bites his lip and looks down at her. “I feel it too.”</p><p>“Right in your soul?” she asks in a whisper.</p><p>“Right in my soul.” He smiles.</p><p>He rolls over onto his back beside her, and they stare up at the ceiling. She turns to kiss the top of his shoulder, and Sasuke sighs, and tries to figure out how he is going to keep this a secret from Team Seven and his Anbu squad, because he feels really happy, and he thinks he will probably never really frown again. They’ll definitely know something is up.</p><p>Hinata looks over at him. “Sasuke?” she asks. He turns to her. “How do you think Kurenai and Kakashi-sensei will feel about us having a shot-gun wedding?” Sasuke laughs to himself.</p><p>“You’re worried about their reactions?” he says. Hinata gets up and moves to straddle on him. Sasuke rubs a hand on her thigh.</p><p>“I just can’t predict how they’ll react.” She shrugs. Sasuke smiles.</p><p>“I can’t believe we had sex like that and they are the first thing you think about.”</p><p>“Technically, the first thing was our baby.” She replies. <em>Baby</em> comes out soft. Sasuke takes both hands and puts them over her lower belly like a frame.</p><p>“Baby,” he says. His grin is big and lopsided.</p><p>“Yes,” she says, “a baby.” She pauses. “You’re going to be someone’s daddy.” Sasuke smiles and rolls over on to her. She squeals, and he kisses her up and down her neck. She wraps herself around him, because she is so happy and never wants him to stop.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Of the many reasons Sasuke has to miss Itachi, this is probably the most bittersweet. Their father was emotionally absent, but Itachi was always there when he could be. He told Itachi’s remains about the baby, but it’s not the same as being able to tell him face to face. It’s been two months, and they both agreed that they each get one person to tell before they hit twelve weeks. Hinata told Kurenai, since she doesn’t have a mom to teach her how to do mom things. Apparently, Kurenai is happy for them.</p><p>Sasuke sits on the bench of the locker room, back curved in with his elbows on his knees. Hinata told him that telling Itachi’s ashes was great, but that he should tell a second person. It’s important to her that he sees how happy people will be for them. Fatherhood is a big step, and there are days where Sasuke is afraid that he won’t be up to the challenge. No one taught him how to be emotionally present, he simply knew how devastating it could be for a child to grow up without it.</p><p>He can’t tell Naruto, because he can’t contain himself. Sakura has more self-control, but her reaction would be just as sappy. He doesn’t know Yamato like that, and while Kakashi would be honored, he is the kind of guy who prefers to know when things are certain. He would like to think that their baby is firmly rooted in there, but another four weeks have to roll by before it is safe to tell everybody. Sasuke frowns to himself. Tenten would want to tell Sai. Neji should find out from Hinata.</p><p>There is only one person he knows who can keep a secret, and who may be able to react the way Itachi would. Sasuke turns to his left, where Sai is standing, shirtless, using a towel to dry his hair. Sasuke feels a little dumb, doing this in his underwear, but Neji is in the shower and they are alone.</p><p>“Sai,” he says, “can I tell you a secret?” Sai stops toweling his hair.</p><p>“Yes.” He tilts his head and smiles. It’s a real one, too. A good sign, maybe from Itachi. Sasuke inhales.</p><p>“Hinata is pregnant.” He says quietly, “it’s only been eight weeks, so we can’t tell everyone, but I wanted to tell at least someone and…”</p><p>“You’re having a baby with Hinata?” Sai asks, quietly. Sasuke nods, not even upset that he was cut off. Sai smiles a little bigger. “Congratulations.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Sasuke says with a sheepish expression, looking at the ground. “Can you keep it a secret? From everyone, just for now.” Sasuke stands up, and turns to his locker.</p><p>“Can I tell my cat?” Sai asks. Sasuke blinks at him.</p><p>“Your cat?”</p><p>“Yes, my cat.” Sai smiles. “She can’t talk, so it will stay safe with her.” Sasuke nods.</p><p>“Alright.” He reaches for his pants. Sai tucks his towel into a bag. “I’ve been thinking a lot about my own father. I miss him, but he wasn’t very easy to read. He was always concerned about the Uchiha legacy. He pushed Itachi into Anbu, and that led to…well, the thing that happened.” Sasuke and Hinata have talked a little bit about this. Their child won’t be a pawn, and will be protected from her family by the Uchiha name. But that doesn’t mean that they won’t worry about the piece of their fathers that exist within each of them</p><p>“You’re going to be a good father.” Sai says, “people with terrible childhoods know just how damaging things can be. I read it in a book.” Sai moves his things around, while Sasuke smirks.</p><p>“Are you and Ten?” Sasuke waves his hand. Sai blushes.</p><p>“No.” He replies, “I simply get anxious by the prospect of fatherhood as well.” Sai hangs his mask up on his door. “But I’d like to be one, one day. Good news for us, what we have lived through doesn’t disqualify us. Besides, you’re a good person and you treat those you love well. I am sure your child will love you.”</p><p>Sasuke smiles to himself.  He had a shitty childhood, and it means a lot to know that Sai thinks that Sasuke won’t just avoid traumatizing his child, but that having him as a dad would make his child happy.</p><p>“You’re good at this kind of conversation, Sai.” Sasuke pulls his pants up. Sai shrugs his shoulders.</p><p>“The cat and Tenten only respond to words of affirmation,” he says, “I have a lot of practice.” Sasuke starts laughing, and he can’t stop. Sai watches him turn bright red, blinking. Sasuke leans his back against the locker, and when Neji walks in after his shower and asks <em>what’s so funny</em>, Sasuke calms down long enough reply that Sai uses words of affirmation to train his cat <em>and</em> to talk to Tenten.</p><p>Neji snorts and raises an eyebrow at Sai. <em>Really?</em> Sai nods, not quite sure why they are both laughing.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p>They have a staff meeting to get to in five minutes, and Tenten knows she is running behind. In a panic, she doesn’t change into her sports bra, instead, picking up her tank top, vest, katana and mask and rushing to the door. She pushes it open with her hip and drops everything but her tank top on the floor. In one smooth movement, she stretches up and pulls her tank top over her head.</p><p>As she smooths it down over her stomach, glad to just be fully dressed, she looks up. Her teammates are blinking at her, still registering the fact that they all just saw her nipples through a lace-y purple bralette. She feels her face heat up, and she keeps a straight face as she bends over to pick up her vest and put it on, and then her katana, and finally, her mask.</p><p>She frowns when she sees the three of them looking at her, apparently stunned. “Stop looking at me like you’ve seen me naked.” She adjusts her mask.</p><p>“<em>Technically</em>, I haven’t seen you naked.” Sasuke drawls. She gives him the middle finger.</p><p>“And you won’t ever.” She says. Sasuke mock pouts as he puts his own mask over his face. Sai follows soon after, and Neji puts his on last.</p><p>“Is everyone dressed?” he asks, and they all look pointedly at her.</p><p>“What?” she asks, her hands on her hips.</p><p>“Just that if you forgot something, now is the time to go and fix it.” Sasuke says.</p><p>“I may actually kill you one of these days.” She hisses.</p><p>“I’ll take that as a yes,” Neji turns around and leads them out the door to the Hokage’s office. Sasuke follows him, while Sai and Tenten hang back. He touches two fingers to the inside of her wrist. It takes them a second to notice that Neji and Sasuke have both stopped and are glaring at them for moving so slowly. Sai doesn’t move his hand, but they do pick up the pace.</p><p>When they file into the Hokage’s office, Kakashi looks at them with disinterest. “Thank you for finally joining us.” He glances at Sai’s hand. Only then does he move it from Tenten’s wrist. “Shikamaru, could you please tell them why we are all here?” Kakashi likes delegating the smallest things. They all suspect that he finds it immensely funny to watch Shikamaru wrangle them.</p><p>“There is more unrest at the border. I am going to need to send you out tomorrow to look into it. Any questions?” Shikamaru asks. They all look at Sasuke, who usually would make a smart remark. But he simply shrugs.</p><p>This is usually when Shikamaru would say something to provoke Sasuke for the fun of it, but he just nods his head and goes over the finer details of the mission. Not like they’re friends, but like they respect each other. Kakashi looks surprised. Tenten leans into Sai and whispers, “what do you think happened?” Sai shrugs.</p><p>“Growth?” he replies. When they look back, everyone is eyeing them.</p><p>“Anything you two would like to share with the rest of us?” Kakashi drawls. They both shake their heads and step apart from each other.</p><p>Kakashi thinks they’re cute. They are infinitely more entertaining than Shikamaru going for Sasuke’s throat. He wonders if he has just gotten old, but Kakashi prefers peace and quiet these days. This generation has lapped his in all sorts of ways, but their ability to form stable attachments is what he envies most. He looks around, and everywhere, there is a promise for new life.</p><p>Maybe, there will finally be peace.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Tenten is in the middle of eating a sandwich when Sasuke decides to make his big announcement. “<em>WHAT</em>?!” she exclaims. He winces, unprepared for her to be so loud.</p><p>“I told you, she likes me so much that she actually let me put a baby in her.” Sasuke says. Tenten is still stunned that Hinata and Sasuke, of all people, would be so desperate for the other.</p><p>“I mean, congratulations.” Tenten smiles. “I always figured she was a freak, but I never expected <em>that</em>,” she laughs to herself. Sasuke rolls his eyes.</p><p>“Like Sai is better.” Sasuke is convinced that Sai must be a freak; he is too weird not to be.</p><p>“Leave him out of this,” she replies, taking a bite of her sandwich.</p><p>“He would probably say something weirder, like ‘I want to lay my eggs in you’,” Sasuke does his best imitation of Sai, which isn’t very good. Tenten thumps him so hard he nearly coughs his food back up. “<em>OW</em>.”</p><p>“Leave him alone,” she hisses. Sasuke smirks.</p><p>“You don’t want him to lay his eggs in you?” Sasuke moves quickly to avoid her strike, getting across the staff room in a blink.</p><p>“Shut up!” She replies. This only makes Sasuke want to double down.</p><p>“You should tell him to put a baby in you, just to see what he does,” Sasuke laughs to himself, imagining Sai’s stunned expression. His brain would probably blow up. <em>What a funny way to go</em>. The first man to die because a woman asked him to put a baby in her.</p><p>Tenten frowns and throws the rest of her sandwich into the trash. “Leave us out of your weird kink.”</p><p>“And Ino and Shikamaru’s.” Sasuke smirks. Tenten wrinkles her nose.</p><p>“How do you know? Are you and Shikamaru supposed to be friends now?” Tenten sips her water.</p><p>“Ino and Hinata are friends and share weird details of our sex lives with each other. The least we can do is be nice.” He pauses, “But Hinata and I came up with put a baby in me.”</p><p>“Ew, that is too much information.” She says. He shrugs.</p><p>“I just want to make sure we get proper credit.”</p><p>“You two are sick.” Tenten thought she was desperate for Sai.</p><p>“Speaking from experience, it is a real thrill. I just want to make sure the people who use our game name their kid after me or Hinata.” Sasuke bites into a rice ball.</p><p>“How are you going to someone’s dad?” she asks. Sasuke smirks, and she immediately shrieks, “don’t tell me!”</p><p>“I’m just saying,” he shrugs, “is it really good if you don’t want Sai to put a baby in you?”</p><p>“I miss the days where you didn’t tell me any of this,” she replies. Sasuke tilts his head, giving her a curious look.</p><p>“What is the thirstiest thing you’ve said to him?” he asks. Tenten groans.</p><p>“Why do you want to know?” she asks. He shrugs.</p><p>“I’m trying to understand how Sai is remotely desirable,” he deadpans. She winds her arm to chuck her water bottle at him, and he raises a hand in surrender. “Just humour me.”</p><p>She bites her lip and thinks. “Don’t get mad if you find out something you didn’t want to know.”</p><p>“Why would I get mad?” he asks, “the very idea that someone wants to have sex with Sai is entertaining.” She pins him with a look, and he waves his hands like <em>sorry-sorry</em>.</p><p>“The first time we had sex, it was without a condom and I told him I was happy that he didn’t pull out, like, right after.” She wrinkles her face, embarrassed that she had said something so baldly desperate to Sai. She wants some mystery.</p><p>Sasuke blinks, and then starts laughing. He holds his stomach and leans back on his heels. It is the most obnoxious noise he has ever made. “That is basically put a baby in me.” Tenten gives him a sheepish look, and he rubs his face, trying to stop laughing. “This was the first time?” Tenten nods her head, like an idiot. Sasuke snorts, “I guess Sai really isn’t the weirdo after all.” He chuckles, and when Shikamaru walks into the staff room, Sasuke immediately tells him what happened.</p><p>Tenten sits there, blinking, as Shikamaru snorts. “Unprotected sex the first time. Wouldn’t expect it from you and Sai. You are both so responsible.” Shikamaru pours a cup of coffee.</p><p>“This staff room is for Anbu,” Tenten shoots back. Shikamaru shrugs.</p><p>“I don’t care,” he replies. “I’m still hung up on the fact that someone is capable of wanting Sai that badly.”</p><p>“Even Hinata and I had safe sex the first time,” Sasuke says.</p><p>“Same with Ino and I,” Shikamaru replies.</p><p>“While I’m truly honoured to know that you two feel like you can tell me that, I really don’t want to know,” she replies. Shikamaru narrows his eyes.</p><p>“Ino for sure has told you about us.” He says, “knowing her, it is probably way more graphic.”</p><p>“I’m just glad that we all know why you killed for him,” Sasuke drawls, “I feel like I have solved a mystery.” Shikamaru grins.</p><p>“Ino says that she would kill for me, but I can’t be as certain as Sai is about you. She could very easily change her mind and let me die to make a point.” Shikamaru sips his coffee.</p><p>“I’ll ask Hinata tonight,” Sasuke says, “if she would kill for me, for the sex alone.” Shikamaru guffaws, while Tenten frowns.</p><p>“Why are you two making fun of me?” she whines.</p><p>‘Making fun of Sai is like kicking a puppy,” Shikamaru says, “he wouldn’t get it and I don’t like hurting what few feelings he is capable of having.”</p><p>“Stop making fun of him,” she says. Shikamaru shrugs.</p><p>“You also make it really easy to get to you.” Sasuke stuffs a rice ball in his mouth as Shikamaru nods.</p><p>There are times where she truly despises the two of them. This is one of those times.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Sasuke holds Hinata’s hand as they walk down the street, his fingers intertwined with hers. Her stomach is starting to get rounder. They had said <em>fuck it</em> and decided to get a shotgun wedding. Kurenai was their witness, and in half an hour, they were officially husband and wife. Hinata said her father seemed kind of proud that she had struck out her own, and her sister had forgiven her. Sakura was a little mad to have been left out, but Ino and Naruto got over it when they realized that there was a baby to compete over.</p><p>Naruto declared that this baby is an honorary Uzumaki, and Ino talks to Hinata’s stomach. They are even squabbling about who will be the child’s guardian, in the event of Hinata and Sasuke’s premature demise. Hinata’s family is out of the question; she does not trust them. To break the tie, they picked Sai and Tenten. Two emotionally stable people who could care for a sentient being.</p><p>Hinata squeezes his hand, and Sasuke bites his lip. A significant part of adulthood is coming to terms with how lame he actually is. He wants boring, reliable, happy things. Gone are the days of anger and revenge. Sasuke is happy with who he is, for the most part. He still has off days, but they don’t derail him anymore. He looks at Hinata, and her stomach, and their little cactus, and suddenly is isn’t hard to affirm being alive and happy. He has a reason to get out bed in the morning and to come home from work. He has lost his fatalism, and he can’t say he misses it.</p><p>She looks up at Sasuke, and Hinata wonders what he is thinking. She smiles at his stupid handsome face and rubs his knuckles with her thumb. She won’t ever know the inner workings of his mind, but she knows he that he has found peace. It’s in his face when he looks at her. Gone is all the doubt, the uncertainty. It’s all she has ever wanted.</p><p>“Do you think we should get another plant?” Hinata asks. “Ino has a jade plant she wants us to take.”</p><p>“You mean buy?” he asks. Hinata shakes her head.</p><p>“No, she wants to give it to us for the baby.” Hinata replies.</p><p>“What is the baby going to do with a jade plant?” Sasuke can’t pretend that he understands Ino’s reasoning.</p><p>“It’s for good luck,” she says. Sasuke looks down at her and smiles.</p><p>“Good luck, huh?” his voice is soft, and he leans in to say something else. He is interrupted by a familiar, lazy voice.</p><p>“Young love,” Kakashi says, holding a peace lily. Kurenai stands beside him, carrying a spider plant. Sasuke reflexively scowls, and Kakashi smiles. Hinata turns to Kurenai, who smiles at the two of them.</p><p>“How are you two?” Hinata asks. Kurenai looks at Kakashi before answering.</p><p>“I finally convinced him to buy some plants for his office.” Kurenai holds up the spider plant. “Oh, that reminds me; Ino has a nice jade plant waiting for you at the shop. She wanted me to remind you, if I saw you out and about.”</p><p>“She has one waiting?” Sasuke asks. Kakashi nods.</p><p>“I wanted to buy it, and she refused to sell it to me,” he says, “she disobeyed her Hokage.”</p><p>“You can’t compel people to sell you things,” Sasuke says, “you aren’t supposed to be a tyrant.” Kakashi grins under his mask, and Sasuke frowns.</p><p>“You know, you can’t go wrong with a cactus,” Hinata says, “they last forever.”</p><p>“Should we go back and get one?” Kurenai turns to Kakashi, who shrugs.</p><p>“I’m fine,” he says.</p><p>“I bought a cactus, and I haven’t killed it,” Sasuke says, “they truly thrive on neglect.”</p><p>“I take care of Sasuke Two.” Hinata says.</p><p>Sasuke winces as he sees the downright evil expression in Kakashi’s eyes. Sasuke has seen the same look in Ino’s eyes, and it has never ended well for him. Kurenai smiles, because she thinks it’s cute that Hinata and Sasuke got together, even if it meant she lost her bet with Kakashi. She’s lucky that he isn’t a glutton, but that is for another story.</p><p>“Well, we should get going,” Kurenai says.</p><p>“See you around, Hinata, Sasuke One and Sasuke Three,” Kakashi says, following Kurenai as she walks away.</p><p>“Have a good day,” Hinata smiles and waves at them.</p><p>“I am never going to live that down,” Sasuke groans. Hinata shrugs.</p><p>“It’s cute,” she replies.</p><p>“You’re lucky you’re cute,” he grunts. She smiles at him, and his mood softens. The sun is bright, and the way she looks at him makes him think about all the good things that are coming. Without thinking, he presses his lips to hers, and leans in when she presses her hand to his cheek. She pulls back and smiles up at him.</p><p>“We should probably go get that plant instead of making out in public.” She says. He frowns.</p><p>“I thought making out in public was going to be one of upsides of people knowing about us,” his voice is soft. She beams up at him.</p><p>“We have a jade so nice the Hokage wants it.” She squeezes his hand, “we can make out on the street some other time.” Sasuke smiles.</p><p>
  <em>Deal.</em>
</p><p>**</p><p> </p><p>Tenten sits on his kitchen countertop, holding his cat in her arms. It makes him feel warm, seeing Tenten cradle something in her arms. He’s been thinking about the future a lot lately, and it looks bright. Being with her makes everything feel possible.</p><p>Sai is preparing the rice for dinner, and Tenten is smiling at him. He hopes they get to do this kind of domestic thing forever, or at least, the rest of their lives.</p><p>“Sai,” she says, “do you ever think about the meaning of life?” Sai likes all her strange questions. She is one of the most thoughtful people he knows.</p><p>“You always ask the big questions,” he replies.</p><p>“It’s how I roll,” she smiles, stroking the cat’s back.</p><p>“If I had to answer the question, I would say that life has no meaning. It just is.” He says. Sai sets the rice down to soak in the sink and walks over to stand right in front of Tenten.</p><p>“It just is, huh?” she bats her eyelashes at him. He sets his hands on her thighs.</p><p>“Yes,” he replies.</p><p>“That is your final answer?” she asks, setting his cat down on her lap. It jumps down to the floor, and Sai watches it walk away.</p><p>“Yes,” his eyes flick back to hers.</p><p>“You’ve given me something to think about,” she says in her best Sai voice. He rolls his eyes.</p><p>“Are you making fun of me?” he asks.</p><p>“Maybe,” she replies. They look into each other’s eyes, just smiling at each other. It’s the kind of thing they do that grosses Neji and Sasuke out.</p><p>“What do you think the meaning of life it?” he asks. Tenten looks at his mouth.</p><p>“I don’t need to think about it.” Her voice is tart.</p><p>“Why?” he asks.</p><p>“I really like where I’ve ended up. I don’t care about meaning anymore.” She pecks the corner of Sai’s mouth, and he smiles.</p><p>He shakes his head and walks over to the fridge. She watches him as he opens it. She could stare at his back all day.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>IT'S DONE.</p><p>I am sure there are typos I have missed, but thank god, this baby exists in the world. When my computer melted, it was this story and my thesis that were at the forefront of my mind (don't worry, I am recovering, my life is getting back on track). </p><p>Thank for reading my dumb little word baby. </p><p>I wanted to write a love story with men who are don't blame women for their feelings and between people who, despite what happens, know that they want each other. I can only hope that I achieved this. </p><p>I will probably revisit this world, SaiTen and SasuHina in other stories, but this is my ballad to them. They deserve it. </p><p>The last line is a reference to Mitski's "Pink in the Night", which is the ultimate SaiTen.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Finally delivering on a ballad for SaiTen, with some SasuHina for fun. Neji is alive (like he deserves).</p></blockquote></div></div>
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